Narcissists and the silent treatment go together like…well, like maybe bees and honey or peas and carrots or (better yet!) thunder and lightening or like any two things that can’t be one without the other. Seriously, a silent treatment can’t occur without a narcissist (or sociopath) to implement it and a narcissist couldn’t be a narcissist without having the silent treatment in his arsenal of emotional weapons used to inflict cruel and not-so-unusual passive-aggressive punishments. Without fail, every dysfunctional story ever told – including my own – that describes a relationship involving a narcissistic partner includes numerous silent treatments. There’s simply no way around it.
The silent treatment is not only the most hurtful narcissistic behavior, it’s also typically the one single behavior that finally forces a victim partner to start googling the bullshit which, in turn, inevitably leads to the “a-ha” moment that changes (and also explains) everything! To find meaningful article topics for this blog, I always turn to Google analytics to provide me the search terms that visitors use to find my articles. In other words, I really try to write about topics related to narcissism that weigh the heaviest on the minds of readers. Time after time, I find that the “silent treatment” is invariably the most popular term searched on the web by anyone looking for this type of information.
For example, when I pulled the search terms used to reach my site for the period of a few months, the following is just a very small portion of the list that came back to me from Google:
silent treatment victim
silent treatment sucks
silent treatment of the narcissist
silent treatment in relationship
silent treatment hurts the most
silent treatment from narcissist
silent treatment for over a week
silent treatment after no contact
silent treatment after he dumped me and blamed me for dumping him
silent treatment after he cheated
why does narcissist go silent again after he comes back
what does silent treatment really mean
what does it mean when boyfriend shuts off his phone
will narcissist boyfriend come back after 6 mos silence
why did ex come back and then leave again for no reason
And this list goes on and on and on in various forms and questions and shows me, day in and day out, that narcissism is out there in epidemic proportions.
After suffering through literally 100’s of deliberately calculated silent treatments over almost 13 years with a narcissist, I still carry the emotional collateral damage of the experiences. Only a complete creep uses the punishment of silence to hurt the people that care for him/her. And make no mistake about it, a SILENT TREATMENT IS NOTHING BUT A BREAK-UP IN DISGUISE. By not telling his partner anything and basically vanishing from sight, the narcissist, in effect, keeps the wheel of hope/codependency in motion so that the recipient of the punishment, never being quite sure whether the relationship is really over or not, anxiously waits for his return. The narcissist, however, will, throughout the silence, consider the relationship completely over and, thus, will (continue to) cheat to his heart’s content until he’s ready to return to the original victim (whereby making a new victim out of his newest target). If there IS one thing you can be sure of when the narcissist returns, it’s that somewhere out there some other girl or guy is getting the silent treatment from this same asshole. As the girl he happens to return to, you can choose to believe whatever you want or whatever he tells you BUT THAT IS THE FACT AND IT NEVER CHANGES. Your relationship with your particular narcissist is no different than anyone else’s relationship with a narcissist. When it comes to the silent treatment, narcissists are nothing if not predictable.
When a victim is getting the silent treatment from his/her narcissistic lover or partner, I get all kinds of questions asked of me that I know for a fact are asked only as a way to bargain with the truth and it makes me sad. I understand that no one really wants to believe that every single time a narcissist goes silent he is fucking someone else – but he is. This is why he shuts his cell phone off (to begin the cell phone game) or lets the phone go endlessly to voice mail without ever reacting to your distress or why he doesn’t answer his door (even though you KNOW he’s inside) or why he stays away from home (where he knows you’ll eventually show up). A narcissist appears to literally fall off the grid in the blink of an eye because, yes, it was all part of a calculated plan…a plan to erase you as if you meant nothing to him EVER (or at least “nothing” until he needs or wants to come back). AGAIN, A SILENT TREATMENT IS NOTHING MORE THAN A BREAK-UP IN DISGUISE.
To further amp up our anxiety over an unexpected and uncalled for silence, the narcissist reappears as quickly as he left, typically with a completely ridiculous story that he knows you’ll believe because he knows you WANT to believe it. Yes, narcissists don’t put a whole lot of thought into the stories that accompany the home-coming because he/she knows that you’re ready to believe anything by the time he gets there. As part of his pathological relationship agenda, the narcissist understands the concept of creating plausible denial, believe me. My ex could concoct the most ludicrous story at the drop of a hat if he felt that I was starting to relax at any moment during the silence. You know what I’m talking about because we’ve all been there. Just when we start to think “Hey, I can do whatever I want now just like him! Why have been I been crying like a baby for a month? I’m starting to feel good!”, here comes the familiar knock at the door or the benign little hoovering text message sucking us back into the abyss. In my mind, the narcissist’s connection to us is not only psychic, it’s demonic!!!!
All I can say about the silent treatment and the narcissist who subjects you to it is that IT ALL MUST STOP OR ELSE IT NEVER WILL. How many times has the narcissist in your life disappeared into the horrible silence for no reason at all and then reappeared only to leave just days/weeks later to do it all over again? To the narcissist, this horribly abusive behavioral pattern is what I call the sport of “seduce and discard” and it’s all part of the fun of being a narcissist. And, believe me, when he’s not doing it to you, he’s definitely doing it to someone else. Victims are puppets and the narcissist is a Puppeteer!
Look, no one – and I mean NO ONE – deserves to be erased as if they never existed after nary a fight or even a disagreement. Narcissists do not need a single reason on earth to vanish…to bring you to your knees…to make you feel like nothing more than a piece of shit on his/her shoe. As a passive-aggressive means of controlling and manipulating a victim’s reality, the silent treatment is a cruel (but unfortunately not unusual) punishment that must not be allowed. How easily we are manipulated into forgetting that normal people just don’t act that way.
At any moment during a silent treatment, you have the power (and the right!) to say to no one but yourself “This is no longer a silent treatment. This is No Contact and I’m in control.” Believe me, if he is silent, you two are BROKEN UP. Don’t be fooled by the narcissist’s twisted control/validate manipulation. You can turn his bullshit around any fucking time you want and make it stick. You can choose to never allow him to reappear. You can make this vanishing act his last.
It’s always been within your power to END THE INSANITY. I know it’s hard to believe that when you’re in the thick of it but it is true, my friends. Learn from my mistakes and from the mistakes others. Any partner, lover or friend who pulls a silent treatment on you EVEN ONCE should be immediately discarded…kicked to the curb. It is up to you to end it or it will never ever end.
Go No Contact and get your power back!
Yolanda
June 2, 2017 at 7:44 pmWe were high school sweethearts, we broke up. Two decades passed, we reconnected in 2/14 via fb. On 2/27/17, I found out that he was cheating. I attempted to confront him via text & call…I got no response. He ghosted me aka silent treatment. I’m one of those people who WILL not continue to attempt to communicate with you IF you’re not responding to me. Its been 3 months, I still haven’t heard a word from him. I swear on my life that I’ve never tried again to contact him since 2/27. I bestowed the same courtesy as he bestowed upon me, I blocked him immediately from my social media accounts. I’ve blocked him in my cell phone AND WORK phone. I’m still going through the motions because its excruciatingly painful. But not as bad as before. Any “man” that gives a woman the silent treatment is a coward…a pussy! I already got one, so I don’t need another one!
This article has really helped to put things into perspective for me. You’re amazing Zari! Thank you for everything!
Zari Ballard
June 11, 2017 at 6:47 pmAwesome, Yolanda! It really is ALL ABOUT all about changing your perspective…that’s what I figured out many years in and wished I’d done it sooner. You’ve got it now so don’t lose the feeling. Be confident in the truth that you know and go forth:)
Zari xo
Helen Torrenson
April 28, 2017 at 12:20 pmTruth!
After a year of bullshit I figured out he,was a narc. I ended it with him. He proceeded to call me daily. 2 days ago his bday. I phoned him. Now nothing for 2 days. Not a peep. I thought yesterday at the 24 hr mark. Good! This AM i laughed and thought this is now NC. Sorry you sad, sick, pathetic fuck stick. Goodbye!
Zari Ballard
May 3, 2017 at 11:00 pmOf course he went silent. They always ramp it up, texting or calling everyday and then – NOTHING. Then, when you can’t stand it (the intention!) and YOU call HIM, he doesn’t answer. Typical narc manipulative behavior!
JoJo
February 9, 2017 at 6:06 amOne month today. No contact after I did make his silent treatment and disappearing act his last after 2.5 years of narc abuse. 12 January I asked him to remove his motorbike from my garage or I would have a tow truck delivered to it. It hurt like hell, and I still miss him from time to time. But radical blocking and my mind is finding peace; my health is improving and my friendships growing. The satisfaction of ME calling it is my revenge.
Zari Ballard
February 13, 2017 at 5:19 pmRight on, JoJo! xoxo
Me
February 19, 2016 at 9:02 pmI am so glad I found this website.
Healing
October 21, 2015 at 7:28 amOk – YOU are awesome!!! Love this. Thank you!!
Porselene
October 16, 2015 at 1:09 pmI am still in disbelief and shock.I met this Muslim guy 8months ago ,I am a xtian tho!. He was rily all ova me,he is co-worker.I turned him down but he kept coming back .Finally I agreed but I told him I want the relationship on a lowkey,you know how office romance can tarnish someone’s image if not managed properly.
We started hooking up,he told me he have a girl but he has broken up with her because she is handsful and difficult,nags&e does not av feelings for her,I told him to mend the relationship with her but he said nope,so we started dating ,I told him I won’t be able to marry him cos e s Muslim,he said his family don’t mind him marrying someone who shares diff tribe&religion.
The guy was the best ,he respected me,cares about me,worships me,never let me do the dishes or wash his bedspread after sex(due to cum or body fluids lol)I had to forcefully wash his dishes after we take a meal.we talk on phone 24/7,chat,he initiates communication mostly ,I am not the clingy type .I always give him that mindset I won’t let him take me for a ride or I won’t accept less than I deserve. We have had fight on several occasions like couples do ,he always come begging even if it was his fault fully or partly.
I started having strong intuition that he has another woman. I saw red flags,I broke up several times with him,I hate relationship stress,I told him to go,hurl words at him.He swore I was the only woman in his life.
The last time we reconciled he said he will take me to his family house. Two days after we reunited,I called him up,he didn’t pick or respond to his chat asap unlike him. My instinct told me he has a woman in his crib. I took the next cab to his crib only to see a woman there ,I was totally shocked,but I didn’t catch feeling.Me and the woman talked,my guy was stuttering ,he didn’t deny me or try to throw me out like some dumb dudes would. I told the lady I never knew he has a chick,she said she knew about me and him,that she has seen us together somewhere and his neighbours called her on phone to snoop on us.
She said they have been dating since years that she has been enduring shits from him because she feels if she leaves the relationship,she does not know the character of the next guy ,she is a Muslim like him,she said she prays for him to change.
She said he does not love her that no wonder he always complain he is tired,not knowing it’s because he is shagging anoda woman.she said he pays less attention to her when they are together,all he does is pay attention to his fone and chat while she is in d bed. She said she cooks for him,washes his bedspread .she said She is the fiancee,I replied wow,when is the wedding,she told me she does not know, that the guy is unserious. I guess the girl is desperate and maybe the guy is patching up with her due to the familiarity of the two families because the guy dont treat me d way he treats her from wat r gurl said.I was encouraging her to take hart that I didn’t know about her. The guy was begging the two of us to forgive him,we slapped him on diff occasions. I told him to stay clear of me ,I threatened to hit him if he says hello to me at work.I blocked him off social apps on ma way home. He has not contacted since the past 9days now. I guess he is shamefaced to see me or got no nerves to call my fone bcos he knos I av zero tolerance for crap. I won’t take him bk anyway?. Does he rily love me or did he use me?
Zari Ballard
October 17, 2015 at 2:45 amHi Porselene,
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry it happened, I really am. However, at eight months, you’ve been given the opportunity to cut your losses early – as you surely know. It’s unfortunate that you have to work with this loser and I hope it’s not a situation where you have to see him all the time. If you do happen to cross paths, show no reaction whatsoever. Do not give him the satisfaction.
Is he shamefaced? No, probably not. Is he sorry? Just that he got caught. Did he really love you or did he just use you? Well, he obviously was attracted to you because that’s how it all started but love? No, because these assholes don’t feel love at all. The only they feel is the satisfaction of having an abundance of good narcissistic supply to which he can always be putting something over on. That’s all it is. This is why he has just shrugged his shoulders and moved on – most likely with the Muslim girl who, in all probability, will stay for cultural reasons (and for those same cultural reasons, he will continue to treat her like shit. Culturally, Muslim men don’t have the best reputation when it comes to how they treat women. Sure, at first they can be quite charming but the end of the story, from what I know, is always ugly.
The bottom line is that he’s likely a narcissist…a player…and everything in his entire life revolves around what he can get away with day to day. Stay strong, don’t give in, and you will get over this quickly and move on to a happy life. I wish you nothing but the best, sister!
Zari xo
Porselene
October 27, 2015 at 2:45 pmTnx.
Definitely am fine.Nobody can detect i went thru this unless I tell you.I am lucky to have a firm hart. I can move on immediately after a breakup.Even my girlfriends have asked me in the past how I usually live happily and even attend social events inspire of relationship issues.
The bullshit there is that we see everyday at work unless any of us goes on leave,he stares shamelessly,i pretend not to see him around,the other day he stared at me even while I was going to the ladies.He is a jerk.
I guess the Muslim guy studied my kinda person and made sure he hid things cos he knows me too well not to settle for less.He knows i don’t give cheats 2ndchance.When we dated i respected my self so much, i never stalk him even till now,i was not clingy.He gave me his phone password then and I asked for mine so we can play with our fones but i told him i wanna respect his privacy.
He says am too stubborn and egoistic and does not tolerate any shit because in the past i have dumped him and he keeps bugging my line and tries to track me every corner around our office ,i still ignored him then he gives me like 1 or some wks to ponder,then com back begging that he can’t live without me.I accepted him back but this time I won’t take him back because he lied,cheated and stringed me in a relatnshp.
It’s unfortunate he messed up,he was the best i have dated and about never loved any man the way i felt about him.He respects me,cared and was nice 101%.He usually get jealous like any guy .we talk n chat 24/7,when we 2geda,all attention on me like am a 3d view TV.He said he has never connected with any chick like me.He may be ryt bcos
Our level of connection is strong,we talk about everything,our hopes,fears and future.We even talk and joke dirty a lot and even created some slangs only used by us when we crack jokes.Our sexlife was 10/10.We were not ashamed to talk about our sexual fantasies.
Sure the Muslim gurl is surely a pathetic chick with low esteem.She said he always ignore her everytime she is in his crib,all he does is to play with his fone and always complaining of being tired not knowing he is spending his energy on another chick .She said he is not making any serious move to marry her,she said She is tired
I wish I can get another job asap or he should get another job or be transferred to another dept cos I don’t want to see his shadows around me.
Kyle
September 13, 2015 at 8:01 amMan, did I hated the abuse, I still am healing from it, and it is over a month out. Sometimes I dont think of her but then it comes back super hard, wondering if I was right to dump her.