When I asked why he didn’t care to celebrate my birthday: “why do you keep talking about this? Do you think you’re that important?”

When I asked him why he didn’t want to come back to live with his family: “There’s no privacy, so I have no time to jerk off. Our son gets cookie crumbs on the bed.”

When I asked him what he thinks about:
“Nothing. Sometimes when I’m falling asleep, I think about ways to kill people I don’t like.”

He’s a delightful individual. These are the biggest snippets of truth he has told.

There are several I could share that hit harder, but this one came to mind first:
After years and years of the circular salad conversations… of utter charades of genuine relationship communication, imparting ILLUSIONS of being heard or of changes being made (that never are), or engaging in marriage improvement exercises that never seemed to click somehow… always accompanied by the games shaming me for never being satisfied with the {illusions of} working on things, and so many other accusations implicating me as a horrible crazy person that amount of effort or the perfect husband would ever fix or be enough for…
” I always assumed that everything in marriage just works itself out on its own, and you really don’t have to do anything.”

Hi Jenna,

Yup, snippets of truth hurt when we actually pay attention. They just want to do what they want to do and to help with the partner. Pretty awful. I hope you’ve made it out to get started on a better life!

Hi Heidi…yup, those be snippets of truth!!!

And so the rollercoaster ride continued. I tried to break up with her several times. I tried no contact but she keeps undermining my resolve. The last time, she came over and we had a teary eyed conversation that felt more like an interrogation. I can’t say “no” to this girl for very long.

Tonight, she called me and we had our usual one-sided conversation with me doing all the entertaining I mean talking. Then I texted her some nice smiley’s and she did the same… followed by a link to one of her male friend’s new music (we both love the same music and I’m a musician). I became jealous which I think was her intent and texted her a gee thanks but why don’t you ask me about what I’m working on. She got angry as I knew she would and said “so what? It’s just a song I thought would make you happy.”

One more little detail; she is and has been in a live-in relationship with another male for five years and is cheating on him with me and who knows who else. I know it’s wrong and I want to stop seeing her. I was very lonely and she was someone I loved at first sight but now I think she is evil. I tried to help her become willing to be monogamous but she says she isn’t ashamed of anything. I don’t care anymore; I want her out of my life.

So, Zari, was this little music link from her friend the truth hiding in plain site? Please help me. I’m reading your book When Evil Is A Pretty Face. I wonder if I’m not the N sometimes but I’m not cheating on anyone and wouldn’t if I had the chance. My moral compass is screwed right now. It gets thrown away every time I see her. I just want to be in a healthy relationship or none at all.

And so the rollercoaster ride continued. I tried to break up with her several times. I tried no contact but she keeps undermining my resolve. The last time, she came over and we had a teary eyed conversation that felt more like an interrogation. I can’t say “no” to this girl for very long.

Tonight, she called me and we had our usual one-sided conversation with me doing all the entertaining I mean talking. Then I texted her some nice smiley’s and she did the same… followed by a link to one of her male friend’s new music (we both love the same music and I’m a musician). I became jealous which I think was her intent and texted her a gee thanks but why don’t you ask me about what I’m working on. She got angry as I knew she would and said “so what? It’s just a song I thought would make you happy.”

One more little detail; she is and has been in a live-in relationship with another male for five years and is cheating on him with me and who knows who else. I know it’s wrong and I want to stop seeing her. I was very lonely and she was someone I loved at first sight but now I think she is evil. I tried to help her become willing to be monogamous but she says she isn’t ashamed of anything. I don’t care anymore; I want her out of my life.

So, Zari, was this little music link from her friend the truth hiding in plain site? Please help me. I’m reading your book When Evil Is A Pretty Face. I wonder if I’m not the N sometimes but I’m not cheating on anyone and wouldn’t if I had the chance. My moral compass is screwed right now. It gets thrown away every time I see her. I just want to be in a healthy relationship or none at all.

Just found your site today. Very helpful, thank you. Eight months post break up, and I am still going through an emotional roller coaster, on and off. The cognizant dissonance becomes overwhelming at times. His love-bombing was quite effective on me. He dropped plenty of truth bombs, which I initially dismissed. This was before I understood that, I was being placed on a proving ground, dropped dead center into a dangerous mind-game that I didn’t know I was playing, competing with him, without knowing the rules, which were constantly changing anyway, none of which I asked for, nor agreed to. It’s still too bizarre to contemplate, and it makes my head and heart hurt to think about it.

“All I know how to do is win, Sharon.” (He wasn’t lying in a sense, although I consider him the real loser)

“I’m really a big baby, and you need to learn how to reign me in.” (When I confronted him and told him that he is a Narcissist, he didn’t deny it. He laughed, and sneered at me,”So what? So are YOU!”)

The last phone conversation we had, left my blood running cold, and gave me nightmares for weeks. The cognizant dissonance was agonizing. I could not reconcile these words with the man that I had fallen in love with, the one who swore he was in love with me, and wanted to marry me. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. These were truth bombs that I didn’t see coming, and I absolutely believe this is the most honest he ever was with me. This is how it went:

“I’m crazy, you know this, right, Sharon?” (No, I didn’t know, but now I do) Followed by, “I’m an evil person.” (Again, I now know this to be true) Followed by a graphic, step-by-step narration about how he wanted to murder his siblings, and just how he would go about accomplishing this.

This man is stuck in juvenile mode emotionally. I was REALLY tired of hearing the same stories from his childhood, over and over and over again. He is paranoid, double-minded, a pathological liar, a womanizer, and quite adept at convincing himself that he is none of these things. It’s quite scary how he operates. Like a reptile, he is indeed a very skilled predator, in constant, self-preservation mode. I became the enemy because he allowed me to get close to him, and to love him. This is when they push you away. It eventually became a daily, dizzying game of, “he loves me, he loves me not.” I was sick to my stomach with anxiety 24/7, walking on egg shells.

He actually attempted to teach me how to lie, without lying. He told me about when one of his female friends from childhood called him up, telling him that she had heard that he was in the city, meaning his home town, where he grew up. He was not in that city. He wasn’t even in the country! He told her that, “Yes, I am in the city.” He justified doing this by telling me that, it wasn’t really a lie, because technically, he was in the city, just not the city she thought he was in. So twisted. Textbook case of mind-fuckery at it’s best (or worst?).

I do believe a lot of what he told me regarding his traumatic childhood is true. There’s got to be some rhyme or reason for how dysfunctional he is? I would love to speak to his siblings, and hear their side of the story. He accused them of trying to pry into his mental health history, of stealing money from his mother, of a lot of things, which makes me wonder just what he did? You know what they say, “There are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.” However, I won’t ask anyone anything. I want no part of this episode of my past. I only want to learn my lessons, and move forward. I want him OUT of my head and heart, period, but I have not yet reached the point of indifference emotionally. I need to obtain neutrality, and it’s painfully slow-going!

Dear tavi,

I’ve been reporting disturbing sexually abusive behavior for over 12 years to the gods who compel me to rely and depend on them in order to protect my child from you know what. None of these gods of authority or the “advocates” who raise tens of millions of dollars in MY name (I am the people they are claiming to be helping with their HOTLINES and the other PROGRAMS that are supposed to assist ME and my young son) have taken ANY steps or made ANY effort to investigate or explore my reports and complaints beyond typing them down and filing them away. The gods of authority didn’t, haven’t, and aren’t asking my son’s father to explain or to defend himself. They’ve enabled him.

This is a horrible situation and I am so sorry. I believe you 100%…….listen, what you wrote above confirms for me what I have been learning about the so-called government agencies that have been put in place to “help children”. To me, the INTENTION of these agencies is THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Child Protective Services is one of the most corrupt agencies on the planet. They are given monetary incentives to remove children from the home and everyone is in on it. This is why children are taken from perfectly good homes and left in the homes of abusers (like your ex). There are so many things I have learned about these agencies and about the satanic people who run them and there are other things involved as well that I can’t go into here. I wish I had an answer for you or at least knew more about your story. If you like, you can email me through the Contact Me page on this website or continue to post here.

The reason that the god of child abuse prevention hasn’t responded is because it isn’t anything close to a “god” that is in charge. Narcissists run the planet, sister. All we can learn to do is mitigate and try to stay ahead. I believe your son is telling you the absolute TRUTH and I also believe that the caseworkers are very well aware of what you have told them about your ex and THEY ARE OKAY WITH IT and, I dare say, encourage it. Read between the lines. This is what we are dealing with. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are a wonderful mom.

Zari xo

Hi Sal…..it took me 13 years and 30 break-ups….I think we’re about even. Amazing, isn’t it?

Hi Sal, yes…that was a big snippet of truth!

Amazing that even after all this time and all the research I’ve done I’m still starting my comment by defending my child even before I begin….

I should know better by now… I thought I KNEW better by now..

I guess I’m still not over this hell …

Here’s a snippet of “truth”:

I’ve been reporting disturbing sexually abusive behavior for over 12 years to the gods who compel me to rely and depend on them in order to protect my child from you know what. None of these gods of authority or the “advocates” who raise tens of millions of dollars in MY name (I am the people they are claiming to be helping with their HOTLINES and the other PROGRAMS that are supposed to assist ME and my young son) have taken ANY steps or made ANY effort to investigate or explore my reports and complaints beyond typing them down and filing them away. The gods of authority didn’t, haven’t, and aren’t asking my son’s father to explain or to defend himself. They’ve enabled him.

12 years of disturbing behavior behind us, my son told me recently that his father deliberately left porn on his ipad for him to see on shared devices while in his custody. My son also told me (and his therapist) that he was pressured into watching while his father perused degrading dating websites depicting naked women in sexually explicit poses on more than several occasions.

PORN

I confronted the Narc via e-mail. He ignored me until I threatened to fax my concerns to his law firm’s main fax number.

His response consisted of one word:

He said my son’s version was “inaccurate”.

This is true. Snippet of truth. If my son claims his father perused the degrading Asian dating website before he watched his father shop for naked Russian women….and… got the two mixed up chronologically, my son’s version would indeed by “inaccurate”. Snippet of truth that cannot be refuted. My son’s memory isn’t photographic. “Inaccurate” can be applied to most anything.

The lawyer who made my son watch and participate at age 10 thru 11 while he surfed the net for naked women in degrading and sexually explicit poses is the text book of Narcs. He doesn’t date. Never dates. No friends. No hobbies. No interests. He’s a 55 year old man who peruses porn with a 10 year old.

This is a snippet of truth.

I e-mailed the SVU Detective assigned to another matter involving my son’s father’s conducts, twice.

I left her a phone message.

I texted our DHS caseworker twice. She was called in to investigate by my son’s school counselor after meeting with my son for a brief time.

I asked them to tell me what to do.

Snippet of truth:

It doesn’t matter in the end. No one cares to hear from children until they are harmed beyond repair.

None of the god of child abuse prevention have afforded me a response.

I had been telling him since the beginning of our relationship that it seemed like he didn’t want to be in a relationship – that he just wanted a girlfriend on call. He would always deny this. Slowly he wore down my self-esteem (which wasn’t healthy to begin with obviously) to the point I was chasing him and letting him use me. Another low point was when he was using me for sex during a breakup and he yelled at me while I was crying (after I found out he was still seeing other women), “I can fuck whoever I want!”

Also, when I asked him why he was lying about stalking his exes he responded, “The fact that you told me that you didn’t want me to made me want to do it more.” That was in the middle of our relationship. And I stayed! It’s hard to believe the things I accepted because I didn’t value myself and didn’t set firm boundaries about how others could treat me.

I hope for everyone here that we all find the strength, dignity and self love to WALK AWAY when any person treat us with such disrespect. Right away. Not weeks, months or years down the road. Anyone who does or says the horrible things to us that we have documented is a truly broken person and cannot love. We were fighting for something that would never be real. It was a fantasy in our heads.

I have been learning to forgive myself for not leaving him sooner. And all the other less toxic men that have been in my life. If you are here reading these articles and comments take pride in the fact that you have learned a lesson about learning to validate yourself. This dark time has caused you to look at who you are and how you can protect yourself in the future. This low point has made it possible for you to once and for all learn to heal from past traumas so that your life can become open to true happiness with deserving people – whether they are friends or lovers.

But, one night at a restaurant (so he could make less of a scene than usual) I asked just how he felt ok by all his thefts and techniques. His truth snippet simply a smirk and to say “you find weak people and tell them what they want to hear”.

There were so many other snippets of truth over 9 years as well. Just takes that stepping away, less reactive emotion to their shit, and a listening ear. So hard to do in the moment.

As always, thanks for your great insight and writing.