When we dump a narcissist or a narcissist dumps us, one of the first things that they do (to make themselves feel better) is embark on a smear campaign. Somehow, running a smear campaign provides the narcissist justification as to why we were never worthy of their presence to begin with. By talking smack around town about the discarded partner…by getting “the word out” about how horrible the ex is…the N feels pumped up and vindicated about however the relationship came to an end.
Most of us who’ve been involved with a narcissist have experienced being the target of a smear campaign at one time or another. It might even be that, with a break-up on the horizon, you’re worried in advance of what you already know will certainly be one. After all, breaking up with a narcissist isn’t exactly like any other break-up or divorce on the planet. If there are mutual friends, co-workers, or children involved, there will always be radioactive fallout but it’s not nearly as scary as it appears to be. In fact, by making one amazingly simple switch within our reaction to it, we can all but instantly change the dynamic of the smear itself. The key, my friends, is to say NOTHING at all…not a single world…and, believe me, there will be power in your silence.
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Naturally, when someone is talking shit about us to others, our first reaction is to want to defend ourselves. In many situations, of course, defending ourselves is the right thing to do but when the person talking smack about us is our narcissistic ex, I have found that silence on our part is the absolute – and only – way to beat him at his own game. In fact, I discovered that our silence during the smear campaign exposes him for the asshole that he really is. Our silence actually creates plausible denial in the smear, ultimately causing the truth to prevail.
The fact is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST DOUCHEBAGS. We just don’t. The fact is that a narcissist will talk bad about us to everyone anyway– his family, our family, our kids, mutual friends, co-workers – and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. The smear campaign is one of the oldest narcissistic tricks in the book. Sure, we can run around behind him doing damage control or talking smack back but we’re dealing with a narcissist here and he will use our defensive reaction as proof that we are exactly as he describes. This is what he is counting on. This is, in fact, a narcissist’s end game throughout the entire relationship!
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I’m here to tell you that, throughout all of the N’s smearing during and after the relationship, all we ever have to do is be quiet and be normal and the N will quickly end up looking like the piece of shit that he is. Yes, it is hard to do but – OMG – the rewards are amazing and they come quickly. This strategy works, by the way, even with narcissists that are well liked and even loved in the community. It always works.
Think about the scenario objectively. Imagine that you’re part of a group and one of the couples that you know is in a tumultuous relationship. Together or apart, they’re always causing drama and within the group, everyone is annoyed. So, the couple finally breaks up and now you start seeing them each separately. You notice that the guy does NOTHING but talk shit about his ex for hours on end but when you see her, she says nothing about him at all. She doesn’t even talk – or want to talk – about the break-up. She just mingles with the group like she always has. It’s awkward at first because her ex is like the elephant in the room, having said some horrible things about her…but everyone soon gets over that. As time passes, who is going to look more favorable in your eyes? The person who talks all kind of smack about the ex or the the ex that is normal and nice and never even mentions the other one? The answer is obvious. I’m serious, even if the one half is spewing word garbage week after week that his ex is a murderer, the fact that she never utters his name and is as sweet as can be whenever you see her is going to cast doubt on everything he says. It creates plausible denial in her favor and, again, it always works! Eventually, he will have to stop talking.
Wayne – the ex of my book When Love Is a Lie – was a shit talker. It didn’t matter if we were together or broken up or where he was when he did it, if there were people within earshot that knew me or knew of me, he happily talked shit about me. Throughout it all, I said not a word. In fact, I was so silent about him, that most people who knew both of us weren’t sure if we were really even together. One couple pulled me aside and asked if I knew who he was!! Here’s Wayne talking crap about me to a group of people that we both know and they’re all thinking Holy Crap, does Zari even know this guy? She never even mentions him! Because of my silence, when the relationship was really over, these friends automatically gravitated towards me and they had been HIS friends to begin with. As a narcissist knows, silence can be very powerful. Ha-ha!
Was it hurtful to know that my ex never had a nice thing to say about me behind my back? Of course it was. It devastated me. Did I feel embarrassed sometimes to be around people KNOWING what he must be saying when I’m not there? Of course I did. But the truth is this: people really don’t want to hear about your drama and they will WELCOME your silence. We imagine that people hang on the narcissist’s every word but this just isn’t true. No one loves the narcissist unconditionally like we foolishly did. No one! The narcissist, if you allow him to talk unfettered, will eventually alienate the world. Everything he says inevitably goes out the window.
This strategy is foolproof…and why? Because in the end, the truth really does prevail and our silence allows it to happen. People aren’t stupid and not everyone buys into the narcissist’s shit. We only think they do because we’re the target. I don’t care WHAT he is saying about you or how awful it is…just stay silent! This means when daddy is talking smack about mommy to the kids, mommy, although she wants to, does not reciprocate. The kids will figure it out and so will everyone else – and all without you ever saying a word in your defense. In this case, silence is a foolproof solution to a very big problem and you will have finally beaten the narcissist at one of his own fucking games.
Has your narcissist subjected you to a smear campaign? Let me know in the comment section!
Jared
March 24, 2019 at 7:37 pmDavid,
I have a story similar to your own, and I have been left with no one to open or talk to. My own support system has betrayed me and undermined me continuously – as they either just think its ridiculous, only want to offer tough love, or want to manipulate to have their agenda played out. I think maybe it would be good to share stories to each other – if and when we are willing to do that (I know I have a subconscious psychological block, impairing me at times to even recall any of it). I can’t really give you my email in a public post – but perhaps Zari Ballard could email both of us – each others email address; as she can see more information than the average public user can. I have been discouraged for years – as I still have not recovered because even my psychiatrist view has been distorted by manipulate/controlling parents (I’m 29 btw…yea…what gives them the right?). I have taken traumatizing blow after blow, from all angles, always needing to defend myself. I turn for help and my legs are taking out from under me….I am frankly surprised I am opening up tonight. I am extremely avoidant and have inconsistent socialism because I know that I don’t have to explain (its a long story – as is every narcissistic abuse story it seems) or defend myself or justify my inability to function – from/to myself. I guess email me – if the possibility becomes available.
Hang in there,
Jared
{Mrs. Zari} – you hold the power to exchange or not exchange info here….
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 1:01 amHi Jared,
I’m so sorry for the delay in responding to my comments! I just wanted to let you know that I went ahead and emailed “David” for you with a copy of your post and your email address. I explained that you had a similar situation and perhaps he could reach out to you. The rest is up to him but I wanted to let you know that I did email him today (05/04/19):)
Zari
David
January 26, 2019 at 1:41 pmThank you for this article Zari. I do try to remember that articles may use the male pronouns since obviously your narc was a male and I have read your letter to male victims and am comdoetable here because my covert narcopath was female. Although I now am able to keep silent and it is really hard especially at church, Unfortunately i was not in a position to remain silent in the beginning. She filed false DVO against me and enlisted mutual church friends and family as her flying monkeys and “witnesses” in court to testify. I could not afford it since I had been blind-sided and sent packing with nothing after returning from 4 weeks away helping my sister who has stage 4 cancer. I spent 4 years of my life giving everything including providing a much improved financial position to CLA includung a house only to be ruthlessly discarded in an attempt to utterly destroy me spiritualky, financially, physically, emotionally…well, you know the drill,,,me the ultimate bad guy, she the poor misunderstood unfairly mistreated victim in public, major abuser and life-sucking vampire behind closed doors. I violated the all things must be kept secret rule so the devalue process escalated rapidly and viciously into the ultimate public humiliating discard….I just did not know it yet. I only knew things were off and not awate she was narcissistic let alone sociopathic.
But i digress. I borrowed the money for a Christian attorney and after 5 grueling hours in court…..with me 3-1/2 hours on the witness stand forced to hear her malicious attacks on my character and only having to actually answer half a dozen questions that were allowed, she proved herself to be ingenuous and malicious even to the jusge (a stauch woman rights advocate). She and her witnesses had ample time to get their stories straight but each one of the six contradicted the orher wirnesses’ testimony abd the final witness actually asked the judge not to testify on her behalf. All I did was tell the truth, not embellish, pray and do my best to maintain my composure even while my heart broke and was ripped to shreds. I was completely exonerated, she was admonished and then the smear campaign especially at church ramped up.
CLA even texted my mom wanting to be friends and facebooked the one friend I had remaining asking him to be her friend. He has not to my knowledge.
I could not just remain silent and be falsely convicted in court. I did not involve anyone else. I brought no witnesses, though I had a few. ..I chose not to involve people from church. I felt it should remain a safe haven for all and serve its place of worship and Biblical trurh, not become a battleground or entertainment of gossip place. Unfortunately, again, this is not what CLA chooses to do, knowing I am actively engaged in several ministries at church. I have known the cold stares from previously friendly people and fellow-believers I considered friends.. To them I say nothing and do my best to keep things as normal. To a select few, who have renained friends and already in the know of our situation nevause of her comnents to them, or to those men who I am accountable to in each ministry I have given the briefest explanation. I never paint her as being an evil person, although her actions may be, she is just the product of an abussive childhood who now is a covert narc and unable or unwilling to change. For this, i am sad for the person I loved and for the person I see trapped inside who she could have been and never will be, but I have to remember who she is and that she has absolutely no problem nor concious to prevent her fromi taking pleasure in utterly desyroying me and leaving my life a scorched earth. For her, it will always be me or you, and I will always lose that battle. Im an empath. I can’t help but see the bigger picture and all sides of the issue. But I do need to engage in more self-care and healing. So, although I do mostly maintain a keep silent about her policy, occasionally I do talk. We have no mutial friends or family left. People seem to have picked sides, mostly hers. But, although hurtful to lose people I trusted, I am left with a clean slate of acquaintances to start fresh.
Not sure if this is the right way to approach things or not but it works for me.
I will say if I had known I was being set-up in the beginning on the same day of her final discard, I would have remained silent and not stood up for myself within earshot of friends she had already groomed to believe I was abusing and controlling her….because when I defended myself and pointed out she was not keeping her promise to me she had made just 3 hours previously this gave her “the proof” she wanted them to see and they became her witnesses in court. Ultimately, their own reputations suffered as a result and for that I am sorry. K,owlwdge is strength. Sharing is caring.
Hope this may help someone.
May God bless and give each of you strength as you navigate and heal from your own narcissistic ordeal.
DM
Zari Ballard
January 31, 2019 at 7:02 pmHi David,
Wow! Listen, you sound like a very honest person who believes in doing the right thing. You’ve clearly taken the high road against some very, shall I say, satanic forces. People do pick sides but by not saying anything from here on in, by being confident in the truth that you know, you don’t have to defend yourself anymore. They have a way of tricking us into talking, defending, explaining…..you don’t have to play into that game anymore. I wish so much that you didn’t have to deal with this every week in church or during your ministries. So sorry! Thank you so much for reading here and for sharing your story. You are right, knowledge is strength and sharing is caring…
Zari xo
Shannon Myers
December 16, 2018 at 2:48 amHello. My narcissist has experience in audio and he eacesdrkpped.and recorded.conversations. I am a writer, and .my computer and devices have been hacked an d one of his flying.monkeys stole and distributed my book; now people.are.quoting.my book back ro me. I wish I had known about.keeping.my mouhr shut years ago. This man refused to leave.my life.alone. I began recording.messages to him on my personal.digital recorder, knowinf that he had somwthow tapped into it and could hear my recordings. I thought that if I siad really mean, nasty and heinous things to him that he woul d give up and leave.me alone. I was so wrong. He uses my defense method against me with all new.people that I mwet, and because of these recordings, they all thin k I am a horrible person. There is another flying.monkey born every moment, it sems, and they use overt harassment against me, trying to undermine my peace. As time goes by, I have learned to keep my mouth shut in the hopes that people will understand that my actions toward him were defensive. But I feel like am stalked. I am working hard to discredit the stigma that has been attached to me. i am not.perfect, and I have my moments, but I am not.an evil, heinous person.
Lynn
March 6, 2022 at 11:04 pmShannon – I know this post is very old but I had similar things happen to me. A narcissist in a political activist group I was part of who started to stalk me after I refused his advances. When I told him off (being rather narcissist-illiterate at the time) he began a smear campaign that lasted for several years. He destroyed my reputation at my place of worship. He may have been involved in a harassment campaign at my job. He enlisted flying monkeys to harass me and I don’t know how, but hacked into my cell phone. He had his friend then harass me by repeating my own private conversations back to me. The smear thing spread to my job, to a Reverend at a church, to neighbors who I had hardly met.
During this period I was working on writing in a literary workshop. A new writer came to the workshop. She began to steal my writing. She incorporated events from my actual life, which I had probably shared with the narcissist when we were friends. She reads her “writing” and has a main character who looks like me, who lives in a house described exactly as my house (an A-frame type cabin, yellow) With a cat like my cat. And wearing clothing items that I posted for sale online like a red velvet carnaby street jacket, a boater hat with a red band, and other items. It’s all in this sarcastic, abusive manner like it’s funny. This woman actually found and took descriptions of things I had posted for sale on craigslist and ebay (I was moving and selling I had stuff in storage) and Incorporated this into her “story.” So now this third party is proxy stalking me on behalf of the narcissist. And of course “bad stuff” is going to happen to the woman in her crappy story…
I think people may be more likely to encounter the plagiarist narcissist in a creative field. It seemed that way to me. The original stalker was a “poet” and the woman he enlisted had already written a published novel. They were more accomplished than me but seemed to despise me although I did nothing to them. They were extremely insecure people who felt they had to become famous, although they were not famous.
Troy
April 5, 2018 at 5:08 pmAnd what about when a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder such as my father extends the smear campaign to law enforcement and gets me arrested by making very serious false accusations? After 30 years of being abused by him I developed C-PTSD and I began the process of getting away from him but then he found out and decided to regain control by using police as instruments of his abuse. The police officers who arrested me are from the Domestic Violence Unit and due to their inexperience with NPD they ended up mistreating me and retraumatising me during the interview and I was fingerprinted and then taken back to the house only be told I had 4 minutes to get what I needed before I was evicted and banished from the property. I grabbed my dog and forgot to get my medication and medical devices that Ineef due to the fact that I have a disability. I’ve now ended and up homeless and sleeping in my car due to the abrupt eviction and I’m also under criminal investigation while the abuser sits back and has a field day with the sucess of his deceit and games. The whole thing has taken a major toll on my health. And as a cherry on top, my abuser also made false accusations about my mental health by convincing police that I had schizophrenia and mental health problems in order to discredit me from exposing the truth. And it seems to be working a treat because the false schizophrenia allegation was treated as a motive for the alleged domestic violence as well as refusing to take me seriously when I tell them of the abuse I’ve endured in the past 30 years. The whole thing is so twisted and sickening and the police misconduct and negligence has only added to the problem.
D P
February 9, 2018 at 12:39 pmCan you please remove my name and just put my initials, thanks
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2018 at 5:44 pmDone.
D P
February 9, 2018 at 10:43 amNot working in my case. I have said nothing and she has her flying monkeys spreading shit about me. The problem is that many people if not most don’t give a shit about the truth. It’s not as interesting as juicy gossip. Everyone feels bad for. She plays the victim role to a tee and people seem to be afraid to go against her flying monkeys less they be ridiculed too. So your advice, while it sounds good, and it is really the only thing I can do, is not really working for me. Maybe because she is a woman and I am in an office primarily of women. Whatever the reason, I am planning on leaving my job.
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 10:57 pmHi DP…I would have to say that the fact that she is a woman and you work in an office of primarily women is the key to the problem. In these cases, you simply have to be confident in the truth that you know and carry on. Deep down, gossip or not, the truth really does shine through to all these idiots. They just don’t have the balls to stand up for it…it’s a shame but it’s no reflection on you:) Stay strong…..xoxo
Glanedys Alexander
December 18, 2017 at 10:06 amI have been going through this for the past 2 years regarding my youngest child’s father. Apparently I’m evil and bitter about not being “chosen” and that’s why I’m “doing what [I’ve] been doing” (whatever that means). I’m also “drama filled” “unreasonable”. Other than wanting him to follow the visitation order regarding his child and telling him repeatedly that I’m frustrated that he doesn’t make any effort to see his child except for around holidays and his birthday, I haven’t done anything (no stalking, attacking his girlfriend, threats, etc). Up until the middle of last year I used to try to defend myself against his claims, especially as it has been very uncomfortable being around his family the few times he has seen his child. One day, it just kicked in that I should just stop. I know that the things he’s saying aren’t true and that the people he’s talking to about me don’t know who I am and I don’t know them, and probably never will. All of it hurts, but the only thing I’m responsible for is how I react and making sure my kids are protected from all of it (our son is only 2, almost 3, but my twins from a previous relationship can read). Thanks for this article and sorry for this wall of text.