Hi Jeff, I am so sorry it took me so long to respond to you and I am sorry for your pain. Look, when we meet people online, there is always the risk of deception…that is the norm. But this Philippines thing…these women have a very different lifestyle. I know single American men who have moved there, gotten married to a native and then moved a native girlfriend in as well, even while the wife was pregnant. Apparently, they are all one big happy family. I don’t believe for a second that this girl you speak of does not sleep with her husband. I just don’t. I also don’t believe that she was forced into a reconciliation and he may have even lived there the whole time. You will never be sure.

Don’t blame yourself for believing because we ALL want to believe. Narcissists are so good at this nonsense, the gas-lighting, the accusations, etc. In the Philippines, though, I don’t know if it’s narcissism or just a cultural thing the way the women collect and juggle partners, boyfriends, and husbands.. I know the women there can be very deceptive to get what they want but some “extended” families seem okay with it. Don’t forget, this is a third world country, even with all it’s beauty. I am sure that having the attention of an American is very satisfying. Please don’t fall for the ruse. I hope you are feeling better since you wrote to me! Blessings to you, brother…..xo

Thank you.
Jeff S.
Tennessee

Then time to get out, girl! Life is way too short to put up with this nonsense….xo

Rella57 wrote… Thing is, I knew this would end badly. I’m just glad, although he was cheating, that I left first without feeding his ego with any pleading crying or begging.

That’s all you need to know, girl. No need to beat yourself up. You’re done and it’s over with. As good human beings, we WANT to believe that what people tell us is the truth and that they are good deep down. This is normal and is the reason why we allow it to happen. But the truth is that there are deceivers everywhere and we have to be watchful and aware for the next one that approaches. Next time you will trust your gut. That is your lesson and we have to have the experience to learn it and you did. That’s all it is. Now go forth and be happy because that is what you deserve.

Zari xo

Hi Andy,

What do you want me to spell out? You can’t think of a single reason why he/she would prefer you two not to be at his/her place right now? If you are a narcissist’s victim, then all of those reasons are why you come to websites like mine and others. The reasons are different for everyone but nothing a narcissist does is random and therefore I’m telling you that there IS a reason and it is typically nefarious.

Zari

Hi Alexa,

I’m going to respond to your post by speaking to several of your points. In doing that, maybe you can find your own answers in your own words. Sometimes I think it would take someone to simply re-read their own comment here to understand what they are doing. For example:

If the person who you love and claims to love you so deeply says ‘you’ are self-absorbed, ignorant, a liar, disgusting surely it must be true? How so? I don’t care WHO it was…if anyone said those things to me, I would AT LEAST say “Fuck you!” and slap him in the face even as I cried. I just don’t understand this. Even when my ex was on a verbally abusive rampage (which he would be a lot!), I always KNEW it was him not me…that HE was the douchebag. I may have cried and pleaded for the relationship to work, blah blah and I may have reluctantly forgiven him just to appease my anxiety, but it never occurred to me that ANY of the names he called me were TRUE! That is a fact. Why on earth would you BELIEVE that? I mean, consider the disgusting source!! I can understand wanting to believe the narcissist when he says “I love you” or when he’s future-faking but to believe that you are actually an ignorant, self-absorbed whatever simply because he calls you that? I just don’t get it. How can you look at someone who is so absolutely awful and take him at his word?

I can’t help but question what on earth I did to make a man who loved me so much that he wanted to marry me within a month, to saying I was disgusting and would never marry me… I know after all this I should hate him but it has made me want him more. First, YOU didn’t do anything. Again, why do you give this awful person so much credit and why hasn’t it occurred to you, after all that you’ve read, that every bit of the nightmare belongs to him. HE is the evil one. Just because he’s good sometimes doesn’t make him a better person than you…it just makes him a person that can be good sometimes. Even a narcissist likes to have fun. The problem is he doesn’t mean it. As for missing him more after he called you horrible things, I don’t believe it. You can’t possibly miss THAT. What you miss is what you imagined but it was never there. He doesn’t deserve you and you need to understand that.

I know I shouldn’t want him to want me anyway, and I’m better off without (That’s right!) but every day I miss him. I miss the feeling of being ‘the one he chose’… But the truth is he never “chose” you and you were never the “favorite”. A narcissist sees everyone on the same emotional level meaning we are never any more important than the next girl or the next stranger he meets. We were, however, the most convenient.

Please keep it in perspective…it is the only thing that will save you. In order to let it go, see it for what it is and see HIM for who he was – a nothing and a nobody. Then, go forth and be free finally and forever. Life is too short for this ridiculous nonsense.

Zar xo

I am so depressed with the situation with my ex boyfriend who as it transpires was possibly a narcissist. I feel like I was duped into loving this man with all I could (unfortunately I am a highly perceptive/sensitive/anxious type which has made it so much worse…).

For about 8 years before we got together he seemed to focus a lot of his attention on me, and out of his entire ‘harem’ of women he would flirt with online I seemed to be number one. I falsely thought this meant we had the deepest of connections, and that it was just timing that had kept us apart (we’d both always been in relationships, never single at the same time), but now I believe it was just that he wanted something superficial that I had to offer and I would be able to raise his profile and get him more attention than the other women. I won’t go into why as I would like to remain anonymous but based on how he ‘used’ me during our time together I’m assuming this is possibly true.

We got together and everything was amazing, we said we’d loved each other for 10 years and it felt like the most romantic beautiful love story ever told. This didn’t last for too long (maybe a few months) before I started having trust issues with him. Nothing seemed to add up and he was always distant and dismissive when I had an issue with him completely ignoring my messages. I felt so alone, and wondered what I had possibly done to deserve this treatment and it only got worse.

He had a really dismissive way of arguing, and I would become so frustrated during arguments that I would end up screaming and crying hysterically, to which he would call me crazy and shout at me for getting so worked up before completely ignoring me to browse the internet whilst I lay in bed crying for anything up to 2 hours… He would refuse to hug me and when I said I’d never been like this in relationships, and that it was the way in which he was blanking me that was escalating things he just called me every name under the sun. His name calling was so brutal and shocking I should have left the first time, but in these situations you always doubt yourself so much. If the person who you love and claims to love you so deeply says ‘you’ are self-absorbed, ignorant, a liar, disgusting surely it must be true?

He then went on to flirt outrageously with other women online, and guess what. I found out, was given proof and I forgave him. I recognised that he ‘needed validation from other women as he had low self-esteem so thought I owed it to him to stay, and ‘help’ him to become happy within himself.

The same issues seemed to repeat themselves over and over until I came to the conclusion that he resented me and hated me so much that I would continue to be emotionally abused until I left.

That was 7 months ago, but as soon as I left him our ‘relationship’ became perfect again. We seemed to get on so well when we weren’t living together that we decided to start seeing each other… This is when the demise really began and to be completely honest this period of time has become so destructive for me. I started to read up a lot about psychology and found various brackets that I felt he belonged in, and in my new found confidence I had whilst apart, I told him what I thought his faults were (I guess a part of me was retaliating for all those horrible names he called me). During this dating period he lied about me, denied dating me, lied to his family, added his ex-girlfriend on FB and asked to meet her, sent both me and my parents letters (image building), told me he loved me but at points also said he didn’t and resorted back to calling me horrific names and saying he would never marry me.

I can’t help but question what on earth I did to make a man who loved me so much that he wanted to marry me within a month, to saying I was disgusting and would never marry me… I know after all this I should hate him but it has made me want him more. I know I am happier when I am not with him but I miss him so so much. I am sick of feeling so empty and worthless…

He’s now not bothered about me at all… He’s not contacted me, and when I broke it off finally he just agreed with me. This was the first time I really pulled him up on lying and being selfish and it seemed like he just didn’t want to acknowledge it, so the best thing to do to avoid talking about it at all was to just agree and cut me off. But then part of me thinks I’m just not worth the chase…

I know I shouldn’t want him to want me anyway, and I’m better off without but every day I miss him. I miss the feeling of being ‘the one he chose’…

Thank you for sharing, Melissa! Yes, the truth does reveal itself without fail each and every time. Actions should always match the words and this is the biggest red flag. The first time this happens we need to boot a person to the curb. This is the type of behavior from a partner that mind boggles us and keeps us in the loop hoping that the NEXT time he/she will actually mean what they say and say what they mean. If they are narcissists, as we know, they never will. I’m glad you are free!

Zari:)

Hi Jae,

I hope you’re doing okay! Please read all the articles on this website because it will bring great clarity to your situation. The problem is NOT you, it is HIM and you do not have to endure this. They will cross all boundaries and just when you think they have crossed them all and you are safe, they find one you didn’t even know you had.

Stay no contact. It is the only way. If you need to talk about it, consider booking some talk time with me so we can work it out. Staying no contact will bring you amazing peace…you simply have to allow it to happen!

Stay strong!

Zari xo

We met online (shocker!) He couldn’t believe “we found” each other, how much we were alike and felt the need to tell everyone about us. I liked him, but didn’t see his self described similarities of why we were SOOO meant to be together. I would overhear him on the phone or skyping, he would tell his friends we were the perfect “attractive” couple and he couldn’t wait to introduce them to me. That seemed odd to me because we had been dating less than 1 month and who describes themselves as being a part of an attractive couple?

He had many amazing stories about his life and his accomplishments. At first his stories were interesting to anyone willing to listen. But then many of the stories carried a similar theme about him being very wealthy, expensive cars he had owned, the expensive labels of clothing he owns and all the celebrities he knows or that know him (which seemed to be a very important point). He talked about all the high profile dangerous work he did in the military and his post military career in private security, protecting famous people. He even asked me, how does it feel to date a bad ass ninja? I just laughed because, again, who says that? Most guys that I know that are ….don’t talk about it, they just ARE. It screamed insecurity and was ultimately a huge turn off

By the second month, it was the holidays and he introduced me to his parents. He said he was living with them to take care of them. His parents were really nice but i could tell they didn’t seem to share everyone else’s same enthusiasm about his self absorbed stories. It also did not really seem as though they required his care, they seemed pretty self sufficient.

Barely into month 3, he said he was in love with me and wanted to get married within the next year. Never asked my opinion or whether i felt the same. During a party that he asked me to throw and invite my friends, two strange things occurred: 1) Behind my back, he complained to my friends that he just did not understand why i wasn’t in love with him. He told them he is a really good guy and all he wanted to do was to take care of me. He was trying to get them on his side. 2) Subtle Gas lighting: If I said oh isn’t this a lovely red table. He would say, as if I was dumb, oh…sweety that table is orange. My response, Ok then, isn’t that a nice orange table……the point is, do you like it? Then he wouldn’t respond. He would just kiss me on my forehead. This didn’t strike me as odd at the time, but when I look back, it happened on many other very irrelevant topics and he would argue that he was right.

He wanted to spend all his time at my house. Yet, he was suppose to be caring for those ailing parents. One evening, he was going to come over late because he was taking his mom to dinner and then wouldn’t arrive at my house until after 11pm. I’m pretty darn sure his 70 year old mum didn’t stay up past 9pm. I told him, he should come over the next evening and we will cook dinner together. He arrived the next evening at 4pm with flowers and wine. After midnight he received a call from a girl. He didn’t answer the phone but he actually showed me that she was calling . He had her picture saved with her contact detail. He told me she was obsessed with him and was some random girl /military groupie that he slept with before he met me. Well, that was a lie, because he had told me he was in a 8 year relationship and dated only one girl before me. Plus he has not been in the military for more than 13 years, so his story was a lie. I made a mental note and laid down the challenge: I told him it was inappropriate for him to show me that she was calling and that if we are in an exclusive relationship because he loves me “SOOO MUCH”, he should simply handle the situation appropriately and not include me in this drama. This is where it gets good: His response, had absolutely nothing to do with the topic. He said, I was the one that was wrong. Because I cancelled on him the night before, he drove from his parents house to Tampa and stayed in a hotel because he did not want his ailing mother to know I cancelled on him. Nice way of trying to divert attention, not accept responsibility and attempt to make me feel guilty. I listened, realizing this jerk was most likely on a date with this woman that just called. Why else would she be calling late at night. I glossed over it, didn’t accept responsibility and told him it was his own free will choice and he failed to mention it through the various texts he had sent that evening and the next day. So, I told him, no I don’t feel bad about it at all.

His actions never matched his words or what he claims as his past professional career. He would put us in odd situations where my security felt compromised, he would get disoriented or belligerent after only 2 or 3 drinks, and would contradict previous stories told. When asked to clarify a contradictory statement, his response was, “oh you must have misunderstood me” and his final words to me were to, shut up, That disrespectful “shut up” gave me the excuse to tell him to leave and never call me again.

After I broke up with him, he texted and called many times throughout that evening saying he missed me. He went out of the country for work for a month, he texted and called several times a week. I listened, but said I did not feel the same and am happy with my decision. When he returned, after 1 week, he was posting pictures on FB with THE very girl he “claimed” was obsessed with him. I got rid of him on FB and luckily have not heard from him.

My motto has always been, the truth always reveals itself in time. Watch peoples actions and if they do not match what they say, then it is definitely an inconsistency. I got my answer and am glad he is “GONE” and I’d like him to stay that way.

Jae

Hi Carmel,

I don’t know if he’s a narcissist but I’m sure glad that he didn’t hang around long enough for you to find out! Whatever and whoever he is, he is nothing nice. Yikes!! I dare say that you dodged an enormous bullet, sister. Whew! Forget it ever happened, seriously. The experience isn’t worth a second of your time. Unfortunately, narcissists and sociopaths LIVE on the internet and LOVE online dating so buyer beware the next time. But now that you’ve been researching it, you definitely know what to look for. This guy is a complete asshole!! Go forth and be happy:)

Zari xo

Zari xo

After reading your articles I think he is narcissist. During our first meeting he did tell me that after many years of marriage, his
wife told him “she no longer loved him” and wanted a divorce,

Judy

Hi Martin,

Actually, I’m already taken seriously and with good reason. Yes, 7 out of ten online and I’m talking about the dating dynamic. But before you jump to conclusions read this. I’m all about supporting the male victims because I actually think the female narcissist has the male narc beat hands down in the evil department. I’ve also written a book about it. So, things are not as they appear.

Zari:)

my now ex N. told me all the time that he demands respect from me, my last words to him walking out the door was BTW dumb ass, you earn respect you cant demand it. we were married for 20 years. don’t ever stay with a narcissist, they will rip you of your dignity.

Jo.

Hi Zari,

The more I read about this, the more I realize that I am a textbook case…My aha moment came from talking to his ex wife. She had been discarded and then he was hoovering and started talking to her while I was getting the silent treatment. I reached out to her and was amazed how our stories matched. He has since come back to me. I discarded him but have not been able to do the ‘No Contact’ yet. I am working on it. He keeps coming back and asking me to take him back. Thank you for the reinforcement I need to go ‘No contact’. I keep reading this site over and over again. I hope to be completely clean of my ‘N’ addiction soon.

Hi Bridgett,

Well, girl, that’s about as sad and heart-breaking a post as I have ever read. Please forgive me my delay in responding. I really wish I could give you a big hug and take you away from that mess. Narcissists are not our “punishment” for anything we’ve done in this life – do not feel that way, sister…please! A mother of ten…OMG….how on earth do you handle a narcissist in the middle of it? A child with terminal cancer? A son who has passed away? There is nothing good about this man that will ever carry you through any of this hardship and heartbreak. He IS a criminal and should be treated as such…he, of all people, deserves to be punished.

Please contact me so I can send you my books in PDF. If anything, my words will validate and confirm your experience and provide you some tools to hopefully move beyond this pain. I really am here to support you and wish I could do so much more…

Zari xo