One of the most frequent questions I get asked about narcissists is whether or not they know right from wrong. It appears, obviously, that they don’t because how else could they possibly keep doing all those hurtful things over and over and over? Some people (i.e. experts) will say that they don’t as well…that narcissists can’t differentiate between the two and therefore the consequences of their actions have no meaning.
Well, I have a different theory and it’s fairly simple: Narcissists know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. To me, this explains a whole lot more about the behaviors of these people than giving them what I call the psychological “Jesus” pass. Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. I don’t think so! [By the way, I don’t believe we have to forgive narcissists either and you can read about that here]. What people seem to forget is that narcissists are grown up members of society. They know enough about the world to blend in seamlessly or else we would have never have found them.
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Certainly they know enough about people to know that mimicking certain emotions and producing certain narcissistic behaviors will bring about certain results and they do this beautifully. My ex marveled at his own ability “to read a person in five minutes” and he bragged about it regularly. This is what they do. This is who they are. Of course they know right from wrong…they just don’t care! If what they want to do happens to be the wrong thing, oh well. That’s just the way it goes. In a narcissist’s twisted mind, the impulse – no matter what it is – is well worth the consequence.
Now, we all know that narcissists and sociopaths don’t feel empathy and sympathy which is why our feelings about their behaviors mean absolutely nothing. So the next question to ask is Okay, so they know right from wrong and they don’t care. But do they ever feel guilt? To this, the experts will often say no and, based on this lack of empathy and sympathy in a narcissist, this would appear to be the logical answer. I actually have another theory which, to me, explains so many of those behaviors from the narcissist that we can’t explain. I actually believe that narcissists, indeed, do feel guilt…just not the same type of guilt as we, as normal people, will feel when we hurt someone or do the wrong thing. What we feel is remorseful guilt which is the type of guilt that makes us feel bad, see the error of our ways and change it, ask for forgiveness, and so forth. What narcissists and sociopaths feel is what I call inconvenient guilt and this is very, very different. Inconvenient guilt goes along with my “knowing right from wrong and not giving a shit” theory. Allow me to explain…
Think back to a time period when you and your narcissist were actually getting along and suddenly, one day, out-of-the-blue he just starts treating you like shit. Everything you say is wrong and you get the feeling that he (or she!) is trying to start a fight but having difficulty finding a reason to do it. In my mind, THIS is the behavior of someone (a narcissist, of course) who is having inconvenient guilt. Inconvenient guilt is usually what happens right before a silent treatment because the narcissist absolutely knows he is going to go silent….that he is setting up and he knows it’s wrong and that he doesn’t give a shit. He’s feeling guilty alright but, believe me, he’s finding this guilt mighty inconvenient! In fact, he’s finding it so inconvenient that he’s going to take his frustration out on YOU, the very person that he will soon betray. In doing so, he may even convince himself that you really are annoying him and he has every reason in the world to leave! Either way, his main goal is to get the fight going or to get you crying and confused so he can leave and get his party started. A narcissist hates inconvenient guilt because it reminds him that what he is doing is wrong and that he doesn’t give a shit about doing it. Does inconvenient guilt ever make him think twice about what he is about to do? Of course not because inconvenient guilt is very different from remorseful guilt…and because he (or she!) is a narcissist!
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So, expert theories aside (and I’m no expert!), let’s stop giving narcissist’s a “Jesus Pass” when it comes to their knowledge of right and wrong. They know right from wrong, they just don’t give a flying fuck. And the next time – today or tomorrow – a narcissist starts treating you horribly for no reason at all, stop trying to figure it out. No more suffering! Don’t blame yourself or go silent trying to make nice because it’s not you at all. Rather, look him right in the eye and say, “You can stop this right now because I’m on to you motherfucker” or, better yet, you can show him the door and go on about your life. You don’t have to stay with a narcissist – not for love or for anything at all. Either way, a narcissist is going to do what a narcissist is going to do and what we allow will continue. By understanding the enemy, doing the right thing for ourselves becomes our only logical reaction to any and all situations. With a narcissist (especially!), this should be an absolute no-brainer.
William Mathieu
October 20, 2018 at 4:37 pmGreetings sweet woman. This is my second read. The first was ( to male victims of female narcissists ). Both have been very helpful for me in my search to understand and gain knowledge. There is no doubt you have a great compassion for those whom have suffered under the perverted character of such a person and have also diligently searched to expose it’s true nature. I also have a similar desire, and being a Christ follower i thought it appropriate to begin with the spiritual, and by doing so, my journey lead me to see many things concerning the character at hand that i never saw before no matter how many times i had read about it. I had found some very good biblical insights from others also concerning this nasty person, all which was very helpful for me. But i also perused the secular, only because my generation of followers has not yet come to a higher concerning of this matter, seeing that it has been infecting our churches or that they seams to even have any understanding or acknowledgement of such persons around them. But ignorance should not be frowned on, I to was ignorant of what i was suffering from until God enlightened me through a dear sister who could see it. We all are ignorant on many aspects of life until we are learned, and in my opinion, there is no better way to learn than hands on. Yes it comes with hurt at times with all the emotions that relate, and we will never forget it in this world, but let us not forget the other side of our emotions. those that are able to forgive and love. I’m sorry dear sister,but i have been led to touch on your perspective of this LOL. I have hope my attempt will clarify whom our Lord was praying for. No! he was not praying for the narcissist. On the contrary He, prior to his crucifixion confronted the narcs and called them as they where. Jesus was praying for those whom the narcissists had manipulated and provoked into performing the narcissistic agenda by what ever means necessary to crucify our Lord. The revelation of that prayer can be seen at the day of Pentecost. In just 2 days, thousands came to be enlightened of the very act of what they had participated in which led to repentance. That had to be a very emotional 2 days. Now, to forgive a narc? I have to yes. My opinion comes from my own walk in life and from the wisdom of others that have experienced life much longer than i have. You see, the forgiveness is not so much toward the narc. In this situation the forgiveness is meant to benefit YOU. What is being forgiven is all the hurt that you have been subjected to, to let it go, that it may longer have dominion over you. Yes! we will never forget in this world, but memories and experience used wisely is one of the results of forgiveness. Another is health. If a person is unable to forgive they do put their health at risk. You see, the opposite of forgiving is grudging which culminates into hatred. This trait if harbored will eat it’s host like a cancer, and destroy them, mind, body and soul. The very thing that is happening to the Narc. How ironic is that? Please don’t get me wrong. By no means have i replied to discredit you. I personally very much enjoy all your hard work to what you are doing. Knowledge given me by the means of another is a blessing to me. I pray that you be on your guard sweet sister, because no matter the amount of good intention there is, it can turn on us with out us even knowing it, and before we realize it we to become a mess and of no good help to others. Many blessings Zari. In Gods Grace, your neighbor William.
Zari Ballard
October 26, 2018 at 1:22 pmHi William,
Thank you so much for writing and I understand what you are trying to say. However, let me clarify what I mean when I say we don’t have to forgive the narc. I know that forgiveness, in and of itself is good for US, but when we are involved with narcs, the dynamic of it being good can change in a heartbeat. First, from speaking with so many people, I see that “forgiving” the narc because people feel it is the “right” thing to do puts a strain on recovery. The relationship with the narc is so messed up that when we “forgive” him or her, suddenly they don’t seem so bad! Next thing you know, we’re back in the abyss. The narcissist TAKES ADVANTAGE of our willingness to forgive because we think we have to. He knows how people work and that we are ruled by our emotions. They wait for it and appear out of nowhere. It’s bad enough that we continually give what I call the “Jesus Pass” (forgive them father for they know not what they do) during the relationship because this is how we enable. Second, to put it simply, I say that we don’t have the credentials to forgive at that level! It’s not our place. After it’s over, our place is to just get better…because this is what happens: we “forgive” naturally. By letting it happen naturally – which takes time – we don’t have the urge to come back, go back, reach out. So, my point is we don’t have to worry about that…the forgiveness part. It will come by itself and we will be way past the point of thinking of this person. If we remove the “having to forgive for our own good” out of the equation, recovery is much quicker and speed is what we need! lol
I hope that clarifies my thinking on forgiveness, William. I love what you wrote…share with us anytime. I wish you blessings and happiness, brother…
Zari xo
William Mathieu
October 31, 2018 at 6:36 pmOh!!!! I see now how the forgiveness is perceived. LOL! i use to think the same about it myself because that is what i had been taught, and for years only new. Before i share with you a very cool and accurate definition, let me say, Hello sweet sister. I was tickled with joy to hear from you. Now, for that definition. Evidence of genuine forgiveness, is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response. Not bad huh? That turned the table for me. Looking at it from this view does not let the narc off the hook, nor is it saying that we are excepting the hurt they have caused us and every thing is hunky dorry, that’s for saps. Sorry, a little harsh there, but i used to be one. In my opinion, this forgiveness makes us the bigger person. It helps us stand straight and stay focused. The narc is the contrary to this. They want you to lose it, so they can have fun with you, feed on you and make themselves feel powerful. And if by any chance we show just the slightest act of opposition towards there treatment of us, well!!!, we just opened a new chapter of hurt, but not for the narc, we are just and emotional and mental sport to them. Considering all the evil shit!! they are capable of doing to us, and have done, would it not be a surprise that we would like to seek revenge or do something vindictive to them? This forgiveness keeps us from that while staying focused on reality. We all know the narc lives a delusional existence, and desires to keep us in it. So try this forgiveness and heal well. I know it is hard, we just had life sucked out of us, but this forgiveness works. Staying focused is a big player in this evil game. God be with you all, your neighbor William.
Alon
August 19, 2018 at 7:09 amI was trying to think why they do what they do , it seems like they have made a master degree in understanding human behaviour and the ways to control a person and the most interesting thing is that all of them developed the same tactics & cycles…
I realized that the tactics they use are the most effective ways to get what they want (fuel) , they developed it like a predator in nature which develops the best effective ways to catch his meal .
The core of these people is the fuel/supply they need badly to survive for them it’s a dead or alive situation , this fuel which was needed to flow from their parents did not come they had to find ways to extract them brutally they could not get them effortless in their childhood and when your brain knows you need something to survive it will learn and develop very fast the needed skills which are the most effective and less energy consuming for you to survive and prosper. The brain position is to keep you alive no matter what.
The narcissist was trained to believe that no one will love him take care of him and be with him from free will and good intentions , he needs to take it with force.
I also believe that because the perception of the narcissist animal brain that the fuel/supply is a necessity for survival like food and water , The brain also shut down the remorse , guilt , love compassion feelings because they are standing on the way of getting the fuel and surviving.
These tactics and cycles are the best effective ways to harvest the needed fuel for the longest period in order to sustain the ego which is for the narcissist the most important thing a survival necessity , dead or alive issue. This is why all of the Narcissist uses the same tactics and behave the same and very predictable, because it works.
Misadventure
August 3, 2018 at 1:51 amI have been conflicted whether I believe narcissists know right from wrong.
My husband has several narcissistic traits but truly he does not experience “remorse” and I honestly believe now that he does not have a concept of when his actions have been hurtful or wrong. He does not understand “guilt” or “remorse”, we have discussed this. He has attributed this to a difference between our religious backgrounds. He: having come from a Christian background (that believes in forgiveness instead of guilt/remorse/punishment), versus my Jewish Old Testament indoctrination into clear cut rights/wrongs/ moralilty/remorse/guilt/punishment.
I feel it’s utter bullshit, but then, I do understand and experience guilt/remorse myself. If spouse has ever acknowledged his behaviors were wrong……. it was mostly to appease me after a fight and me being hurt, and not to lose my love and support. BTW his transgressions never had to do with cheating, at least as far as I’ve been aware. The lies have been about money, mismanagement of finances, hiding his business endeavors from me, generally being secretive and making couple decisions or those regarding our children, without consulting me. Postscript: I never realized he was a narcissist until discovering it in another person I was close to. For a long time I attributed his secrecy, failure to take responsibility, his rages and finger pointing to having unmanaged ADD.
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 3:52 pmHi Misadventure,
I agree with you that his false-Christianity excuse is utter BULLSHIT. When I say that narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit, your husband would fall under that category. Narcissist are KNOWN for giving LUDICROUS excuses for their behaviors. He is NO Christian, sister!! He is using his “background” as an excuse to get away with reckless behaviors and he knows exactly what he is doing. Perhaps the reason that you do not feel remorse or guilt is because you don’t have a reason to, not because you don’t “understand” it. I’m not buying that and lean towards him more likely brain-washing you into thinking that you are just like him him not “understanding it”. This is called PROJECTION and narcissist’s do it all the time. They predict their inappropriate way of thinking onto you. Do not be deceived into thinking his way. You DO understand remorse and guilt – however, you have never done anything that has warranted you feeling it. But you DO understand it…EVERYONE understands it, even a narcissist. The difference is that a narcissist could care less about his reckless behavior and what it does to others. He will never say this or admit to thinking this way (because he knows it’s not appropriate), but he knows right from wrong and he could care less. I have to admit, your husband has created a clever brainwashing technique and it obviously is working but only to a point or you wouldn’t have written in.
Again, do NOT be deceived and stop making excuses for his horrible flaws. He doesn’t have un-managed ADD! He is a narcissist who is conveniently taking advantage of your forgiving nature. Yes, it is utter bullshit!
Zari xo
Joanna Tomkins
June 15, 2018 at 4:15 amInconvenient guilt, so true! That’s why the gaslighting comes before the actual event, trying to project his/her guilt on to you before it hits bottom… so true. thanks
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2018 at 2:34 amExactly!! Inconvenient guilt and gas-lighting go hand in hand…..
Zari:)
Shannon F
May 22, 2018 at 12:05 pm“Rather, look him right in the eye and say, “You can stop this right now because I’m on to you motherfucker” or, better yet, you can show him the door and go on about your life.”
“LOVE THIS, FUCKING AWESOME “
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 3:25 pmThanks Shannon…this is the way that I see it and I’m grateful that you agree:) Be happy and at peace…we only live once!….xoxo
Gee
March 10, 2018 at 12:02 amOf course they know right from wrong. They don’t care who gets hurt. He’ll keep you around for free meals and sex, but you’ll never be special. His harem is pretty interchangeable, more or less.
Example: I tried hard to please him sexually, and to be non demanding and cheerful. He asked me to take him to Ruth’s Chris for his birthday. Dinner was over $250. He barely uttered “Thanks.” He commented that my birthday was less than a month later. What did I get? Nothing but a belated text, 3 days late. When I commented that it was past, he said “Man, I’m such a screw up, can’t get anything right.”. Any can forget a birthday, but note, he did not make any effort to make amends by offering a belated dinner, nor did he send flowers. The message was crystal clear. I did not matter, not even as a friend. Yes, that was the end. I never agreed to see him again.
dupedfortoolong@48andthreequarteryears
January 29, 2018 at 10:12 pmI have broken no contact with my ex N through calling him after 3 months of NC after a nasty and typical 13 month ‘relationshit’ where I was deemed of no supply value and dumped without ceremony. Contact was a disaster as he just confirmed that he’s an N and after getting some supply (not sex, just a chance to reiterate to me that he would not hold any accountability and that he did not treat me a like a piece of crap, on the contrary why didn’t I myself walk away earlier he said ) discarded me again knowing I guess that I was still affected (though I tried to pretend not to be). I seem to be unable to accept the situation for what it is and have been variously depressed or obsessed throughout the NC. Since contact I am now also beating myself up for making contact and don’t understand why I did. This is my first experience of an intimate Relationship with someone who I now realise was an N ‘proper’ and I feel my whole personality had been shattered and my friends will not understand all the horrible PA and covert shit that went down. I am also totally averse to talking about him with others as I am afraid I will not make myself understood and in fact do not want to bad mouth him ‘out there’. Actually one reason I can’t really debrief with even closest friends is because I can see nothing was really real about this relationship, he didn’t ever ‘love’ me and it was all about him. I stayed and let it happen. I was deluded. I cannot communicate the horror and grief of this and the pain. I was 48/49 during and have recently turned 50. Will I get better?