Even though a narcissist is a pathological liar, there are times where he/she offers truth amongst the lies. We can use the ploy of projection to our advantage!
As victims, can actually get to that truth – if we would only listen. Yup, that’s right, if we really pay attention to the narcissist’s word garbage and the tactic of projection, 95% of all of our suspicions about this person would be confirmed and we’d know all we needed to know about exactly what the narcissist is up to at any given moment. In other words, it’s absolutely possible for you to read a narcissist in the same manner that he reads you and no one – especially the narcissist – will be the wiser.
You see, the reason that a narcissist is so good at what he does (i.e. sucking us in during the Idolize Phase) is because he does something that we quickly forget how to do after meeting him. He listens. From the first conversation, the narcissist begins to process our personal information, listening carefully to our words, drawing out of us the answers to all those questions that he uses to measure a target’s long-term potential. And while he mentally takes notes, honing in on both our weaknesses and strengths and calculating the future reward of each, his charm distracts us. By the time he moves into the Devalue Stage, we’re wound like a fucking top, feeling suspicious about his every word and action yet seemingly unable to dig up a shred of evidence. Like all narcissists, my ex savored this process. Slowly but surely, I transformed into the lunatic he had been cleverly creating and, ultimately, my craziness became his justification for everything he did. Thus, as a Discard approaches and the narcissist starts accusing and twisting, calling us delusional, we switch into desperation mode because we know, without a doubt, exactly what’s going to happen. He will leave or disappear, he will hoover and return, and he will continue to use, abuse, and manipulate. We do in fact, become very in tune with the pattern of the phases and can predict what this person is going to do. The problem is that the narcissist keeps us so busy apologizing for nothing and dodging distractions that we completely miss something very important – that, amidst the narcissist’s word garbage is the missing link we need: the evidence!!!!
Now, it took me quite a few years, but what I discovered was a subtle but sanity-saving flaw in the narcissist’s façade…a crack in the mask, if you will. …and, I have to admit, it fascinated me because, once I figured it out, the method itself was foolproof! You see, narcissists, despite their propensity for lying about everything, are like little children who can’t help but give themselves away when they do something bad. It has little to do with confessing, of course, and everything to do with bragging, accusing, projecting, lying, and gas-lighting all combined. Projecting his or her behaviors onto the victim is how narcissists give themselves away.
For years, just like you, I made myself insane trying to quietly validate a nagging feeling that my boyfriend was always up to no good. This feeling was usually stirred by his uncanny ability to accuse me of the very thing I was thinking about accusing him of. In other words, as soon as I’d gathered the courage to confront him with a suspicion, he’d suddenly accuse me of the very same thing before I even spoke a word. How the hell did he do that? Was he really reading my suspicious mind or was something else going on? Then one day the light bulb went off. In a flash, I realized that he wasn’t reading my mind about what I thought he was doing at all, but he was, in fact, actually giving himself away and telling me exactly what I needed to know. In effect, he was telling on himself in a big way and had been doing it for years. By suspecting himself that I was on to his shenanigans, he would attempt to distract me by accusing me of the very same thing. I finally discovered that if I stopped throwing fits when I recognized a lie or a ludicrous story or when he tossed out a ridiculous accusation…if I just sat back and really listened to what he was saying, I’d know EXACTLY what he was up to. So, I shut the fuck up!!!
In my book, When Love Is a Lie, I discuss the projection tactic – or the narcissist’s accusatory distraction tactic – in detail and I also recommend using it to get a handle on what the narcissist is up to. This is a golden opportunity to turn his projection ploy into your advantage. Either a narcissist will accuse his partner of the very thing that he is doing at any given time OR he will verbally project this behavior upon exes, friends, co-workers or whoever he happens to be gossiping about while engaging in casual conversation with you. Again, narcissists are like little children who can’t help but tell on themselves. If we stop reacting and start listening, we’ll have the answers.
- If he accuses you, out-of-the-blue, of cheating or suddenly begins acting insanely jealous, he’s either cheating or getting ready to cheat.
- If he accuses you of lying about something ridiculous, he’s worried about you catching him in a lie that he told recently. Think back and you’ll find it.
- If he casually chit-chats about a girl – any girl (supermarket checkout girl, co-worker, neighbor, etc.) – who “really gets on his nerves” or annoys him, you can safely assume he’s getting ready to put the moves on her or he’s already seeing her. Allow me to share two examples: #1 During a six-month period where my ex carried a title loan on his vehicle, he continually bitched to me about the rudeness of the counter girl who took his weekly payments. Although this rhetoric quietly raised my suspicions, the loan was soon paid, he stopped mentioning her, and I never gave it a second thought. Imagine my surprise, a year later, when a peek into his cell phone prompted me to investigate a mysterious reoccurring number which led me to a girl named “Rebecca FXXXX” who happened to be a former employee of – you guessed it – the title loan company! #2 During another period where he drove for a shuttle service based at the airport, he’d go on and on about the “loud mouth fat girls” that worked in customer service and, apparently, did nothing but eat all day. One girl in particular (whose husband also worked there) disgusted him above all the others and he simply “couldn’t stand her”. Much later, long after he either quit or got fired, not only did I discover he’d been to this “fat” girl’s house (sans husband) at least once during a time when I was getting the silent treatment, I would, over the next few years, periodically find that he had contacted her again and again.
- If he does something out of the ordinary, wears something out of the ordinary, or says something out of the ordinary, look deep into it. Quietly read between the lines and don’t take it at face value. NOTHING a narcissist says or does is random even if he is not quite aware of this himself.
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I decided to write this article not because I think you should expend all kinds of energy reading the narcissist and guessing what he’s up to but because I want you to STOP expending the energy that you do just trying to validate your suspicions. You do not have to participate in the narcissist’s game a single second longer. If you still have to deal with this person, I am giving you a great excuse to NOT become insane at his accusatory bullshit. I’m telling you that the truth has always been there. I’m telling you, this is a foolproof method for reading the narcissist. Sure, the narcissist appears to be cleverly deceptive but the truth is that he/she is only as cleverly deceptive as the transparency of the bullshit. From now on, stop, look, and listen. Trust your gut feeling – always. Take the monster’s ploy and turn it into your advantage. And then, with the truth by your side, do the right thing and go No Contact, once and for all. Do it for yourself and for the rest of your life.
Update to article posted 12/14
Candy
June 17, 2015 at 9:47 amI am so happy to have come across your website!! Like everyone else here I have been trying to find answers and I finally have! I have been a victim to all these foolish tactics! I recently went NC because he broke me! I was going crazy, I became depressed, I went through all the stages of grieving and now I am at the point of “Acceptance”. Wow this article is mind boggling! If we listen good enough they will tell on themselves. When we first met I guess I was the new supply because he totally smeared a classmate and I couldn’t understand why this person would be so hateful towards him if they were only associates and not friends. Prior to me recently being discarded, he was randomly bring up different “old” friends names so I assume those were the next victims. Its so humiliating to know your entire relationship with someone has been fake. He kept my interaction with his family controlled and I honestly think his mother wanted to tell me something but he shut the down quick. He made sure I didn’t have anyone’s numbers or I didn’t meet any of his friends so that I could be his scapegoat and he can appear as the humble, religious, charming man that he is “NOT”. Its hard to tell anyone my story because they aren’t familiar with NPD and they just assume I am dealing with an immature individual. I honestly can’t believe how I was conned. I don’t know why I still want answers not from him but from others than know him. I guess because this is all new to me I am so overwhelmed right now. I can’t believe I have danced with the devil because you would have to be a “monster” to get pleasure out of causing misery.
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 1:26 pmHi Candy,
So glad that you find the website helpful. We have indeed danced with the devil and, apparently, the SAME devil. They are nothing if not predictable, right? Stay strong and stay focused on YOUR happiness and you will come out the winner quicker than you think. I am proof that it can happen!
Zari xo
jlew
August 25, 2015 at 7:42 amThat’s what they do…isolate you because they don’t want anyone to interrupt the bullshit he is putting down. Its not until he is ready to discard you that family friends and everyone else pops up. By then you are just another person passing through. It almost feel like a joke has been played on you. I ask God everyday to take away the bitterness because I got a lot of information to get my revenge. He steals electricity, he gambles his family survivor benefits , he has a social security claim for disability when he works everyday under the table, he sells his pain medication. I’m telling you I feel like reporting it all. How dare he!
Graham Crandall
May 18, 2015 at 7:38 amI’m getting much better at “reading the garbage” and at handling it calmly. Friday, my wife told me she’d been invited to a bonfire in her home town (the night before a family get together a town over, we live about 60 miles away now). “But we have to go to your parents the next day, so I don’t know how I would do it … ” knocking the ball into my court. “Well obviously, just spend the night there,” I responded. She quickly interjected, “There won’t be any guys there, it’s just … like … a girls’ night, you don’t have to worry about anything.” I chuckled.
I guess I should explain, at this point, that my wife and I have no true relationship, physically, or even emotionally (on her part … well, unless you count utter contempt as an emotion). We haven’t had sexual relations for 6 years (with the exception of an insipid, disturbing moment about 2 years ago that I won’t get into). She has made it very clear that “WE ARE MARRIED IN NAME ONLY,” and that “we don’t have THAT KIND of relationship.” She gone as far as to say, “I am NOT your WIFE!” as if she were a Muslim sheik who can simply say, “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee,” and by her decree it is done. She has asked me many times to divorce her or “just leave,” but when I say, “If you want a divorce, then go file,” she says she can’t … she doesn’t have the money, she doesn’t have the resources, and of course, that’s all my fault too. I remain in the relationship for two reasons: 1) I love our children who will be off to college soon so I want to be around them as much as possible while I can, and, 2) I made a commitment called marriage before God, family, and friends, and I don’t take that lightly.
Back to the Bonfire. She offers this information, “there won’t be any guys there.” I hadn’t asked and why the hell would I care at this point. Besides, after being told point blank by her last August, “everything I’ve told you is a lie,” how could I trust anything she says anyway. So my response was a chuckle. This annoyed her. “What? Why did you laugh? What’s that about? You don’t believe me do you?” “First of all,” I responded, “Why would I care? We don’t have that kind of relationship. Secondly, no, I don’t believe you. How can I believe anything you say. Third, I’ve been to bonfires and even if only girls are invited, I’ve never known other people to not show up … it’s the nature of a bonfire,” calmly, “but again, why would I care? We don’t have that kind of relationship so you do whatever you want.” She grew even more annoyed and started accusing me of paranoia, living in a different reality, etc. Meanwhile, I kept my cool and simply repeated, “Why would I care either way?” When she realized I wasn’t going to buy into the fight-baiting, she said, we’ll discuss it some other time. Later, during dinner, she accused me of being crazy because I try to flatten the forks in the restaurant and pulled out a felt tip pen to sign the bill. According to her I “really need to get some help” because I like flatware to be flat and don’t like writing with ball point pens … no, two Fridays before, at our anniversary dinner, she basically told me to Fuck Off and Die, and almost every week we go there on Friday for dinner and almost every week it ends with her either calling me crazy or telling me how much she hates me in one way or another.
The point is, I didn’t ask about guys being there, she made a point to TELL me that, even though we HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP. Also, the statement, “only girls were INVITED” leaves the plausible deniability of anyone being there who wasn’t “invited.” When she couldn’t instigate an argument, the frustration led to the same ole me being crazy, paranoid, nuts, and desperately in need of help. The book is open, people, if you know how to read it.
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2015 at 7:59 pmHi Graham,
You know, you’re a very funny guy. You have a way of making fun of the situation while cleverly pointing out what its all about. I do the same because it resonates with people…helps them realize that we’re all in the same water even if our boats are slightly different. So thank you for the chuckle!
Now, having said that, I do have to remark on a couple of things that smack of something (although not sure what). You say that you are staying because 1) the teenage children, and 2) a vow before God, family, and friends. With all due respect (and I mean that), my response to that, respectively, is 1) the children are clearly old enough to deal with a divorce and probably have expected it for years. and 2) I’m fairly certain that God, your family, and your friends do not take your one-sided marriage too lightly and would much prefer to see you single, free, and happy and not picked on for everything you do. After all, flatware is supposed to be flat and felt tip pens have a much better feel to them! She should be so lucky as to have such menial things on her list to complain about.
Having said that, I think there’s much more as to why you stay because those two reasons aren’t good enough. My suggestion, of course, is to file the divorce and THEN sit down (separately) with the kids, your family, your friends, and God and let them know of your decision. THEN, if you feel like it, you can tell her but, honestly, I wouldn’t bother. THEN, I’d move out and stay out until the kids went off to college and then sell the house, split it however you see fit, and go on to live a happy life. Continuing to put up with her bullshit, her cheating (and you know that she is and so do I), a sexless marriage, and a weekly “Fuck Off & Die” dinner date for the sake of grown-up children and a wedding vow that no one who heard it even remembers is LUDICROUS. You say the book is open, but you obviously haven’t read it! Seriously, my friend, you either enjoy the game yourself or you’re hoping deep down that this is fixable. If it’s the latter, we’ve all been there and I’m here to tell you it will never ever change, it will only get worse.
When you write ..She has made it very clear that “WE ARE MARRIED IN NAME ONLY,” and that “we don’t have THAT KIND of relationship.” She gone as far as to say, “I am NOT your WIFE!” as if she were a Muslim sheik who can simply say, “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee,” and by her decree it is done , it actually made me laugh right out loud…at first. Then, as I began to type my response, as often happens, the situation becomes a bit clearer and suddenly it wasn’t so funny. Based on what you’ve told me, it actually sounds as if you’re holding her hostage in a marriage she does NOT want to be in…a marriage that she has, quite literally, begged you to get out of. Let the bitch go and be done with it! Obviously, she doesn’t have the resources to divorce you or she would but if you do, then FILE. Its almost as if you’re keeping her married to you as a form of punishment for her behaviors and what on earth is the point of that?? Why are you two still going to dinner together on Fridays and who’s decision is that? Something about your story is not registering with me and I’m thinking that maybe even YOU don’t know what’s happening. Maybe the books open in front of you and the pages are blank…who knows? I’m assuming that you hold the money in the relationship, is that right? Is it about having to pay child support or alimony? Is it about waiting until the kids are out of the house and then having the pleasure of booting her to the curb without a dime? If that’s the case, the effect on the children will be just as difficult if not more so. If you’re worried about the children, why give them something to be upset about as they start college? Isn’t it better to do it now so that things have a chance to settle down before they leave? Bottom line is that if she doesn’t love you and you don’t love her, then get the fuck out of the marriage. Until then, it appears that you going to live with someone who really truly feels that she is NOT your wife. Keeping her in the marriage…holding her to that vow….is not going to change that fact. What good is making yourself beholden to a vow that no one else is keeping or caring about but you? Even God knows that’s ridiculous and, no matter what the Bible says (remember…God didn’t write it), we don’t get any brownie points for wallowing in bad situations. I’m fairly certain God wants us to be happy.
Wow…okay, I’m done with my rant. I truly wish you the very best and you really do deserve to be happy! Let me know what happens and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Kate
March 26, 2015 at 2:18 amHi Zari, Just wanted to say you are a hell of a funny writer – really enjoying having a good ol’ laugh while I read through your posts. I’ve just gone definitively no contact with a lying, cheating, disturbed narcissistic sociopath. After many attempts, this is the one. Your site and a couple others round the web are so helpful at the moment. I’m in day-2 pajama mode. House is a mess. Eating toasted sandwhiches and canned foods. Gotta do it, gotta get through this and make sure I don’t pick up that phone!
He’s a scumbag, I know that. Last time I crawled back to him, he declined to tell me that he’d already slept with his new mark two days before, without a condom, then slept with me, without a condom (I had been seeing him for 14 months) and also, hold the chuck bucket, without showering in between. Now, that’s more than I can overlook. Finished. I scratched his face up somewhat and broke several cups and sundries.
He’s a pretty bad guy. He asked me to have his baby on the third “date”. I knew he was warped, I thought I could change him. Lesson learnt! Hope I haven’t got a sexual disease for the privilege of learning it! He told me he’d started a newspaper at 18. In fact, the man who he used to provide sexual favours started the newspaper and gave him a job at it. No doubt, that poor man cried his fair share of tears over his golden boy. This guy has been using and abusing people for a very long time. I fell head over heels for him. He was so nasty to me, such a scummy person, maybe one day soon it will all seem like a bad dream. I hope so. This pile of human refuse has had enough of my life. Thanks for website and really interesting and entertaining articles.
Zari Ballard
March 26, 2015 at 10:26 pmHi Kate,
Well, I’m glad I could give you a chuckle during this rough time. Believe me, I didn’t exactly know things were so funny until I started writing my books and then I couldn’t stop finding funny scenarios to write about. If you get a chance, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It explains my story in detail and also describes how I mentally broke free from the nonsense. It took 13-years but I did live to tell about it! My second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, is a workbook that will walk you through the steps to recovery. While you’re munching on a toasted sandwich, you’ll be getting better:) You’re right to allow yourself the time to get through it. It’s like a necessary detox….a purging of all of that narcissistic junk. My ex did something very similar to yours and I too was worried about an STD. Luckily I dodged the bullet but it’s worth getting checked to know for sure.
Hang in there, girlfriend, and I wish the best for you. Keep reading and writing and I’ll be here if you need me….
Zari xo
Kate
March 27, 2015 at 10:17 amHi, thank you. You’ve got a very forensic mind! I can relate to that, I used to try to suss him out all the time. Thought I could “help” him – aaargh! If only I could hygiene his mind, all would be well. Eventually, I got over this delusion as well. Playing detective helped though, I read texts in the end in which he said exactly the same crap to his new woman. Exactly. People have no individuality to him. Except for other creepy, abusive men. He talks to them as peers. Luckee! Anyway, Cheers.
poisoned rationality
May 23, 2015 at 5:54 pmThis is an excellent article. It is so very true. I am still in a relationship with a N (I don’t have whatever it takes to get myself out of it). And I have found that all you have said is correct. My N lies all the time, but in listening to what is being said, about anything, I can find some of the truth. My N seems to be unable to keep all of their indiscretions to themselves. It’s like she has to boast about it because she thinks she is being so clever in getting away with it. Therefore, my N “tells” me in a few different ways.
Dreams: if my mate tells me about a “crazy dream” she had the night before, then it’s something she has done. I.E. “I had this crazy dream last night that I was making out with (someone she knows)”.
It happened to someone she knows: if my mate tells me a story about a relative, friend, or co-worker (but is vague about them), then it’s something she has done. I.E. “I had this friend once…totally cheating on his girlfriend for years, and the girlfriend never knew a thing”.
Things she has been pondering: when she mentions something philosophical that she for no reason has been thinking about, and/or she asks my opinion, then it’s something she has done. I.E. “you know…it’s possible for someone to live a double life and for those around them to have no idea.”
If I am questioned about things I have done, or thought (related to cheating and lying), then she has done them. I.E. “since we have been a couple, have you ever been attracted to anyone else?”
A comment is made that is said “jokingly”: if she says something poinant in a joking or jovial manner, than it is true. And this is emphasized if I have any adverse reaction to it. I.E. “ha, yeah, I wasn’t actually at a work meeting, I was out having drinks with someone.” And when I “overreact” (usually by a dumbfounded look on my face) that’s when my N emphasizes “I’m JUST joking!”
toby
March 15, 2015 at 4:28 pmAlong with what I just posted, if I didn’t have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ I don’t know how I would be making it.
Zari Ballard
March 21, 2015 at 4:26 amAmen to that, Toby!
toby
March 15, 2015 at 4:25 pmI’m a male and my daughter is 10 I have been dealing with her for 10 long years. I left her when my daughter was 2 but have fought with her and have been there every step of the way 4 my daughter.
It is so hard teaching my daughter correct morals and values. But she understands I think but she doesn’t get to do anything she wants to do soccer softball karate because she (mom) doesn’t have time. When I first got back from Afghanistan and went to her 3rd grade teachers conference she was failing mom blamed it on the teachers. She has had 8 different boyfriends in 8 yrs all live ins with her giving her 2 boys from previous narrate their own bedrooms while my daughter slept in the same room as her and her boyfriend who ever it was at that time.
I’m sick, esp. 4 my daughter, am trying to find some attorney help but just don’t have the funds. I need custody of my daughter!!!
Zari Ballard
March 21, 2015 at 4:50 amHi Toby,
I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. Narcissistic females are the absolute worst and have their male counterparts beat hands down. I don’t envy your situation. As for your daughter, does your ex have full custody through the courts? If so, I would go to Legal Aid in your state and see what they can do for you. I would hate to think that just because you can’t afford a lawyer you won’t be able to fight for custody. There has got to be a way. If you were trying to get more visitation, you would have to go back to the courts, right? It’s the same thing. Either way, please try because you obviously feel strongly about it (and I don’t blame you). Narcissists do not make good mothers but the the good news is that you’re her father and she has you in her corner. No matter what happens, just be the best dad you can be and the love will protect her. It kills me to see dads such as yourself in pain over their children. Please let me know how you are doing…I would love the updates.
I am going to go to my private email right now and send you a PDF copy of my new book about female narcissists to the email that you used to post this comment. Please be sure to look for it. At the very least, it will let you know that you are not alone in the fight, my friend!
Zari xo
Cheryl
February 24, 2015 at 12:57 amWhile your book was so accurate about my experience. This is the one area that isn’t textbook for me. He never accused me of anything. I cannot recall him ever accusing me of cheating and maybe once in over three years he almost seemed jealous of someone.
He was never overtly mean (except for the silent treatment which is beyond devastating). We had only a small handful of what I would call fights in all that time. During the entire “relationship” we never lived in the same city. Maybe that is why this part of the dynamic is different.
Zari Ballard
March 8, 2015 at 12:18 amHi Cheryl,
Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for the delay in responding. You’re right, I do agree that the fact that you weren’t in the same city had much to do with his behaviors. Out-of-site-out-of-mind and also the fact that you were far enough away that he could get away with whatever he liked and still keep you in the queue. In other words, he didn’t have to be a complete asshole to keep his worlds from colliding, know what I mean? Either way, silent treatments are horrible…I understand that all too well. It’s almost WORSE than getting into fights, right?
I hope you’re doing well and far away from him!
Zari xo
Beth's
March 22, 2015 at 2:33 pmCheryl, my Narc wasn’t overtly mean. I realize now it was his way of making me the bad guy. Some are masterful at this game like mine who showered me with expensive gifts during his hooovers, talked calmly to me while lying his ass off and making me look and feel pyscho. He loved getting a rise out of me. They are all the same yet their games are different. It’s much harder to leave an altruistic narcissist. They are convincing, charming and masters of the game. Yet another great post Zari! I found the same to be true when my ex casually mentioned a woman. He once told a story about this woman who lied all the time blah blah. Found out later he was seeing her during one of our break ups/silent treatments. You hit the nail on the head again!
Georgina
June 11, 2015 at 3:44 amHi Beth
I think mine was definitely an altruistic narcissist. He was still being nice and fun and seemingly loving and charming right up until the moment I caught him cheating. Like you say, he could make it seem like I was the suspicious, emotional one. But that is why it is so hard to deal with the shock of it because there were a lot of times when I was really happy with him. But the things I have now found out about him and the way he has acted since have to be enough to cancel out all the ‘good’ times
Gx
Bethd
June 15, 2015 at 7:19 pmGeorgina. It is very shocking. I feel your pain. I had some amazing times and they were hard to forget. It was also hard for me to cut him off He was in disbelief when I went no contact and made it very hard for me. It really was a long healing process but at the end i was determined to be free from the craziness and dysfunction. Learning post break up he was a Narcissist made all the difference. I accepted I had to let him and the relationship go. Hardest thing I ever did but happy I did it! Stay strong. It gets better. Xo
Katy
April 18, 2015 at 8:50 amHi Cheryl,
I understand and was too involved with a narc that never attacked me or outright belittled me. He chose to maintain his “good guy” image at all times as it “excused” anything he did or said that didn’t add up. He also chose to selectively withhold certain behaviors and words from me that he knew I loved. This was worse for me than if he had just been outright with insults. It left me pining to hear those wonderful things and wondering what I had done to “make him change.” I now believe he had studied me enough to know that this tactic would cause me more pain. My therapist also agreed and stated that this withholding has actually been used as a weapon of torture on prisoners of war. Messed up, huh? Don’t know if this applies to your situation, but I thought I’d share. Best of luck!
Katy
35yearswithNarc
February 21, 2015 at 5:19 amI am presently going through a divorce after 35 years of marriage to a Narc. Your books saved my sanity. I didn’t understand what I had gone through until I read an article entitled How to Know if You Are a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse, I could have written it. At that time I was 8 months into getting a divorce but I kept thinking I could say the right thing to make him see it was over. After reading that article and reading 2 of your books, it all fell into place and I just shut up and have been gaining power ever since.
I walked out of our home in the middle of making a meal & was on a plane to Portland,Ore by 6 the next morning. I was going to stay with my daughter but as things started to fall into place, I wasn’t sure what he was capable of & didn’t want to involve my daughter. All it took was 5 days of separation from him and his mind games and I could see it all. Well, a lot of it anyway, more has come to light since than but it was enough for me to know I was soooo done. But until I read your books I didn’t get it. I didn’t have a name for what I had gone through, I didn’t know there was a name for it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!
Zari Ballard
March 5, 2015 at 8:29 amHello 35yearswithNarc,
OMG…35 years is too long to endure such suffering! Forgive me for the delay in responding. Thank for both reading my books and for sharing with us. If you would be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon, I would be most appreciative. I’m sure that my words only validated what you already suspected…that there is something very wrong with ANYONE who could ever behave that way for SO many years. I can only imagine the stories you could tell! The mind games and manipulation is something that those who have never experienced it would never ever understand. Thank God for your “a-ha” moment because it will now move you forward. If you would be so kind as to leave a review on Amazon, I would be most appreciative.
Please write again and let me know how you are doing. 35 years is mind-boggling and your mindset during the journey would be so helpful and completely inspirational to many who write here. I pray that you are well on your way to a sane, peaceful life away from this person. Stay strong, girlfriend!
Zari xo