Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.
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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.
The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.
On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.
Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.
You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.
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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.
In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?
Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.
The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.
Nina
July 2, 2015 at 5:43 amGoogling narcissist and sex brought me here.
I’ve always been in love with an older man. I am also now more convinced than ever that he is a N.
I met up with him at the weekend knowing he was married. I’m not here for condemnation. I get how stupid I am, I’ve spent five years thinking he’s God’s gift. I’ve ached for that man. I got in touch with him about a fortnight ago regarding something completely unrelated to sex. In fact I sort of needed his professional wisdom. The conversation soon turned quickly to flirting and then became full blown sexual in nature including intimate pictures and videos. He told me he was married but that he still wanted to f*** me. I thought I could handle this so after he paid for my flights, I got on a plane and flew out to where he was.
The first time we slept together was five years ago. It was like meeting a different man this time. No affection, intimacy, nothing. He barely kissed me in fact. The sex was cold and detached despite my wanting there to be more than that. The level of intimacy from him was non existent. I humored him for the weekend. We even had a row Friday night during which time it became apparent that he really does have selective memory. The sex was all about him. We’d slept together before this row and then literally as we were still in the middle of it, he said we needed to go to bed and acted like nothing was happening, just showing enough “softness” to make me think that its ok again. We slept together again. It was like being with Jekyll and Hyde. Literally nothing. I’ve rarely felt so blindsided. Oh and here’s the kicker, he’s been married 8 months and has cheated 3 times already. I know I’ve no room whatsoever to moan being as I’m the one sleeping with a married man but I’ve loved this man but it was all an illusion. He’s not capable of love. Even referred to cheating as “what he does and its a chink in my armor.”
And now he’s gone silent and no doubt will do until the next time he wants sex and which point he’ll be told where to go.
He professes to love his wife and they married because she was given a 40% chance of survival against Breast Cancer which she’s fought successfully for the second time but she can never find out about this liaison. I know I’ve been ridiculously stupid and callous and I never intend to make the mistake again. I actually can’t get across just what a pathological narcissist this man is. I’m still a bit stunned to be honest, but very glad to be out his clutches.
Zari Ballard
July 17, 2015 at 4:40 pmHi Nina,
I apologize for the delay in responding and I’m sorry you are feeling stuck in your situation with a narcissist. I’ve been there, rocked that, and I know what you’re going through. If you can, please download or order my book When Love Is a Lie (Amazon) because you will see yourself all over it. I was with my ex for 13-years and it the sex was what held it together. Even though I hated the way he treated me…the hot and cold…he had managed down my expectations to just about nothing so that I was willing to accept crumbs. It’s ludicrous, it really is.
I don’t know how much you really know about him (except what he told me) but I highly doubt the validity of the “breast cancer” story. Narcissists who are married always have some odd story of why he stays or why they got married or whatever and it’s never true. Not that it matters either way, but I’m just pointing it out because I’m sure that you’ve had your doubts about the story too. Narcissists lie even when the truth is a better story because lying it what they do.
Please read my book because it describes and explains his behaviors and will answer all of your questions as to your own behaviors and feelings. I guarantee it. My story is your story is her story is his story. All of our lives become interchangeable when a narcissist is involved!
Stay strong and write anytime. I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Luke W Lopez
July 1, 2015 at 4:14 pmMy father is an N…..I have come here several times and tried to comment but didn’t…..I can’t understand why it is SO hard to write a comment about ME? I could comment about Congress, complaining for days…..but every time I try to comment on a site like this I get freaked out. I don’t have a Facebook page, well I do, but it is for keeping MyVegas points backed up, I don’t have ANY FB friends.
I don’t feel like anything I say about me could possibly matter to anyone. I don’t have or want real friends either…..I am basically a shut in at this point.
My whole life I have been a target for narcissists, and I hate them. My dad is in a nursing home a mile from where my mom, husband and I live….I haven’t seen him since November, he doesn’t notice or care that I have gone no contact…..they cannot be punished for a lifetime of bullshit because they are oblivious. (My dad has convinced himself that he is an undercover state
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 4:25 pmHi Luke,
Thank you for writing and I am grateful that you found your way to my website. It’s not true that no one cares about how you feel because I do and I want you to come here and write anytime that you want. If you prefer to contact me privately you can write me here and I will respond via email. There are so many others here who are struggling through the emotional dynamics of having a narcissist parent and I hear from them all the time. Although it may feel like it, you are NOT doomed to a life with these creatures…you are NOT doomed to having them affect your ability to have happiness in your day. It’s all about breaking the mental connect, my friend, and, while it’s not easy, it certainly is not impossible. You DESERVE happiness and security and friends. You DESERVE it.
Please feel free to write and share anytime, Luke. It helps to put it down in words…believe me, it is very cathartic…and there are many, many people who can relate to what your going through and you are NOT alone. I, for one, am here to support you:)
Stay strong and don’t be a stranger……
Zari xo
Tash
June 27, 2015 at 8:29 pmHi folks, it is.possible to.overcome this traumatic.situation and move on. I was married to one for 9yrs smd.had 2 kids..got iut and was hopeful only to meet a worst emotionally abusive one in my work place and start a relationship. After dating for 1 yrs with numerous cycles of idealisation – devaluation and discard the final discard made me strong enough to ensure that it was FINAL..I went home one weekend a crying wreck when he rei.forced how much less of a person i was for having kids and being previously married and tellig me that he was ready to start dating..I made up my mind to come back a changed person after that wknd..Monday when he came to see how much of a wreck i was ti his surprise I was fine and intiated No contact rigt hen and there for office space and anywhere period..He was so shocked he begged me to talk to him and explain what had changed..It felt GREAT to regain my control and take back that power that he felt hw had over me and now watch him confused, begging and anxious..I have fully educated myself and set strong boundaries that he cannot even get a word in edge wise..It is the most difficult thing i have had to do since I work with him and of course see him seeking attention elsewhere..but I feel good about myself in doing it and journaled all the highlights or rather lowlights of the relationship and review it along with sites like then whenever I feel sad and week. i am now working on myselfy with a therapist to gain the self appreciation I never had that allowed me to settle for.this nonsense..Everyday I get stroger and pray that I will change ti attract a healthier relationship to be happy long term..meanwhile instead of dreading seeing him everday I am now viewing it as a reminder of where i do NOT want to be! If I can do this anyone there is hope for others who have endures this..
Susan Hopkinson
June 20, 2015 at 12:41 pmCan you please explain why my ex-husband dressed up in female clothes and underwear to have sex with me. It still bugs me. He was a total narc. thought he deserved the best and tried to take the house I bought from me went we seperated. He drove his ex-wife mad and she tried to take her own life. I fell in love with a shadow. His daughter is the golden child – a weired relationship with his daughter- He ignores his son. The daughter has no contact with her mother since he went to prison for raping her (said he never did it) His had numerous affairs during our marriage and I took her back ever time. More fool me. He has tried to destroy me and sent drug dealers to my door and even called the police on me on several occasions. I believe that he may be a sexual as I think he has affairs with men in prison. Thankfully I am divorced from this monster. Every time he opened his mouth he lied. I would really like to know why he had to dress up as a woman in sex. It sicknened me but he said it was fun? Would appreciate a reply please. Thankyou.
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 9:00 amHi Susan,
I believe you answered your own question. The guy is obviously a psychopathic freak. He drove his ex-wife to near suicide and then went to prison for raping her, he has a weird relationship with his daughter and ignores his son, he was a chronic cheater throughout your marriage and then tried to take YOUR house when the marriage was over, he’s basically tried to destroy you and your reputation by sending nefarious people to your door and calling the cops….it doesn’t surprise me in the least that he likes to dress up as a woman when he has sex. He’s a freak! Narcissists are notorious for being bisexual and will basically fuck anything that moves. Please don’t take his fetishes personally because they had nothing to do with you except for the fact that you’d participate. Truthfully, as disgusting as it is, his transgender fantasies pale in comparison to his felony conviction for rape (he did it, believe me) and a relationship with his daughter that I’m sure is even weirder than you think. Forget you ever met this madman and move on with your life. He’s even LESS important than a piece of shit on your shoe.
Zari xo
shannon
May 28, 2015 at 10:55 pmI have recently just ended my relationship with a borderline narcissistic man. He was engaged in sex sites registered in swinger clubs and soliciting for gay sex on Craigs list. I turned our devices over to a domestic abuse center who involved a detective with the police after all this he continues to deny the evidence and say that I was responsible for that material on our devices. Articles like this bring me better understanding and comfort to realize he is sick and will never take accountability for his actions. Thank you ~ Shannon Tyler
Zari Ballard
June 10, 2015 at 6:51 pmHello Shannon,
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for the delay in responding. I do hope that you continue reading here and at other similar sites because it will empower you. We have all been at the precise place where you are now and I am here to tell you that you are stronger than you even know. Narcissists do their best to keep us from ever feeling the confidence and strength that we once had – it is their sole purpose in keeping us in the queue. Always remember that YOU are not the problem and never were….and that, above all else, you deserve to be happy.
Stay strong and I am here to support you…
Zari xo
Kristen
March 15, 2015 at 4:35 amFINALLY!!!! This was it, this is the article my brain needed!!! I’ve researched endlessly on narcissism just so I could make sense of my life. Everything I read made perfect sense, there was no doubt I married a narcissist, in the past six years he has discarded me over 20 times. I always took him back because no matter how badly he treated our marriage, the sex made me think this was my soulmate. This article was my life!!! He discarded me again a few days before Valentines Day, but this time he filed for divorce. I am finally going to be free, but thinking about the sex makes me feel like I’ve lost a limb. I cry and wonder, how will I ever find that amazing sexual connection again. After reading this article and knowing it never meant anything to him, I feel hurt, but at the same time empowered to find a more meaningful deeper connection with someone who can truly love me. I will never take this man back….never. Thank you for this article, you opened the door at the end of the tunnel…..I can finally see the light, and I’m running towards it. 🙂
Zari Ballard
March 21, 2015 at 4:35 amHi Kristen,
I’m always grateful to help. Yes, for me the sex was the hook as well. And I won’t lie and tell you that 2 1/2 years later I don’t still think about it every once in a while. The difference, however, is that the thoughts are quick and without pain. It’s all just a distant memory. But, yeah, I do get the feeling of feeling as if you’ve lost a limb. That’s a perfect description. Please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because I talk about this at length and I tell my story. You will no doubt see yourself on every page. I wish you nothing but the best. You are on the right path and need only stay the course to find happiness. I’m proof that it can and will happen for you:)
Zari xo
shelly
May 10, 2015 at 2:35 pmThis is my fucking life…………OMG……………all of it…..he told me bi-polar and i have made excuses for years………………………………….i stumbled on a narcissist quote and now i found this..I evicted him 8 months ago..i make it about 6 weeks..then i meet him..he gets so nasty, if i do him he lets up..i also love it……it not nasty at all, its beautiful `…….i know hes pure evil, im selling my house and leaving…i know i need to meet someone..i wouldnt bring anyone into this mess……….
zora
March 6, 2015 at 5:08 amWow you explained so much. It’s all been done to me. Including being raped while in relationship.
Zari Ballard
March 8, 2015 at 12:08 amHi Zora (our names are sure close!),
I’m grateful that you found your way here and I’m sorry that happened to you. Hopefully, you are far away from that relationship and that awful person! Stay strong…
Zari xo
zora
March 8, 2015 at 1:57 amThank you. Yes. I’m currently no contact. He is the father of my three children. We were never married and I did not let him sign the birth certificates. Although I did put him on child support (which he is evading). He still does not have visitation and cannot have it until he hires a lawyer. Which I highly doubt he will do that. It took me a long time until I realized the problem is not with me but with him. And I’m getting my life back together now. He is still trying to contact me, but I know better than to respond. He has resorted to all sorts of measures to make contact (including sending me naked pictures of a used to be “friend” to get a rise out of me) but I won’t give in. I have cameras set up outside my house and a security fence wrapped around the front. I hope he doesn’t try to come anyways. He’s angry now with me. P.s. zora it’s a fake name.I really like your name though.
michele
March 11, 2015 at 5:48 pmYes I know all about the great sex, cheating AND even forcefully sex…
It’s so sad, and I feel so trapped… I know I should be done..With this relationship.
zora
March 14, 2015 at 8:43 pmI hope you can find the strength within you to leave. It’s never easy. It must be done though to keep your sanity. Get information anywhere you can. From here or you tube…just anywhere. Be encouraged and trudge through until you get out the relationship.