How on earth did narcissists and sociopaths ever pander their diabolical wares before the invention of cell phones, Facebook, and other forms of social media?
For those of us who’s relationship with a narcissist dates back, say, 13+ years, I think it’s safe to say that narcissists back then, sans the gadgets, were much tamer, far more cautious people with far less tools and strategies for making us nuts. Back then, it simply wasn’t as easy for the narcissist to be a narcissist because to be the best narcissist ever, a narcissist has to have weapons and there simply weren’t that many to be had.
To hear my Facebook revenge confession…click the video!
Narcissists can not be narcissists on brain power alone; they must have tools…weapons of mass destruction…options for making us insane. Back then, the N, of course, didn’t know what he was missing but you can bet he knew that he was missing something. Living in a society that’s basically driven by love and emotion and not having any extra ways to pretend that he/she had either one must have been difficult indeed. Back then, the victims, even while shocked at the weird passive-aggressive behaviors, simply thought this guy was just more of an asshole than the last guy.
But then came the cell phone and then came social media, giving the world of narcissism and sociopath a rocket-blasting boost that is still going strong. Yup, narcissism evolved right along with technology at a dizzying pace. And while the narcissists of the world thought they’d died and gone to heaven, the people who dared to love them thought for sure that this was hell on earth.
The 2-Phase Cell Phone Game
Narcissists use cell phones to hurt you by continually playing what I call The Cell Phone Game. The Cell Phone game, in a nutshell, refers to any narcissistic antic that revolves around the narcissist’s cell phone that gives you anxiety. In other words, if you’d be willing to give anything (and I mean anything at all) to have just one cozy hour alone behind locked doors with your guy’s (or gal’s) cell phone, then I’m 100% sure your N plays The Cell Phone Game.
For example, the N will use his phone as a tool to exacerbate your anxiety during certain phases of the silent treatment. First, of course, unannounced and unexpectedly, he suddenly goes silent. This is PHASE 1.
THEN, he uses his phone in a variety of ways to extend the chaos and make you crazy. This, of course, is PHASE 2, which is a doozy and goes something like this:
1) when you start power-calling his phone to find out what’s up, he deliberately lets it go to voice mail – for weeks at a time,
2) you text frantically and he doesn’t respond,
3) he allows his voice mail to fill up so that you know he isn’t even listening to your messages, 4) he blocks you from both calling and texting,
4) he changes his phone number (the ultimate rejection and my ex’s favorite!),
5) he gets a brand new phone with a new phone number (only you won’t discover this until he comes back),
6) after a long silence, he suddenly rings you with just two short rings, leaving no message, and then won’t pick up when you call back – ever,
7) he changes his voice message to something that just makes him sound single,
8) he turns the phone off so that it goes right to voice mail forever, or 9) he lets his minutes run out so that you don’t even know if he even has a phone.
And even while the two of you are technically “together”, the narcissist can still use his phone to torment you by:
1) being very secretive about what’s on it but acting like whatever is on it is no big deal (and you’re delusional!),
2) freaking out every time you even go near it,
3) appearing to conveniently have left it somewhere else whenever he comes to your house,
4) appearing un-phased by the fact that, when he is with you, his cell is mysteriously silent, and
5) pissed as hell that you even thought to bring that up! His cell becomes the perfect tool for creating plausible denial and, thus, one of the most effective ways of managing down your expectations of the relationship
And, finally, the narcissist will use his cell phone texting finesse as his favorite way to hoover or as his favorite way to accuse you of something ridiculous when you least expect it. When it comes to creating narcissistic ploys and tactics to use involving the cell phone, the sky’s the limit!
Narcissists & Facebook
Judging by the sheer volume of letters and comments that I receive detailing scenarios of narcissistic behaviors that happen to involve Facebook, it’s clear to me that this particular form of social media has become the ultimate narcissistic playground and weapon of choice. Facebook is to a narcissist what a baseball field is to a baseball player or an ice rink to a hockey player or a basketball court to an LA Clipper.
Facebook is a stomping ground for narcissists and sociopaths. It’s a place where they can shine and also shine people on. A narcissist will, among other things, find victims to target via Facebook (or be somewhere where potential targets can find him), juggle multiple relationships simply by blocking and unblocking certain victims at certain times, idolize, devalue, and even discard his victims via Facebook, create smear campaigns against victims to make himself look good, and deliberately post pictures of his newest target, professing his “love” for this person just a few short days after crawling out of his “girlfriend’s” bed never to return.
Facebook is no place for you to be if you are truly serious about maintaining no contact. In fact, blocking the ex via phone, text, email, and other avenues of social media while still checking on his life via Facebook constitutes breaking no contact even if you’ve made no contact. No contact is about you – not the narcissist – and, thus, it’s imperative that you understand the futility of stalking via social media. Doing this does nothing more than compound the anxiety that you are already feeling. Some will even tell me that they can’t help themselves but we all know this isn’t true because the truth is that we’ve always had the power to stop it. I’m telling you that you’ve always had the power and you must believe me!
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Understand that NOTHING – and I mean NOTHING – the narcissist does is ever random. NOTHING! So, when he dumps you or you dump him and he shows up on Facebook boasting about a new target and acting all in love, this is a deliberate act – a strategy! We forget that the narcissist knows us as well as we know him and probably even better (because that’s been his job, after all). He knows that you’ll check for him on social media eventually because he knows your habits. He knows you will do it and he’s going to make fucking sure that you have something to see that provides a big fat jolt of familiar anxiety.
At any given time during the first year of no contact or a break-up, checking an ex on social media will immediately set you back – even if you think you can handle it. It’s been almost two years for me and I still won’t do it. The success of going no contact and your overall recovery depends solely on your intention. Once you actually block his number (so he can’t call or text) and block him on Facebook and on all of your social media, the relief you feel will be amazing. It’s a relief that comes from never having to wait for anything from this guy ever again. No more waiting for a call and stressing you’ll miss it. No more waiting for a text and checking every five minutes. No more checking the caller ID in the middle of the night. No more checking email and social media for some snarky message or sickeningly phony-sweet hoover. Without having to wait and hoop-jump and wait some more, you’ll have so much time to be you that you won’t know what to do with it. And you will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want.
You will be free…and the journey from that moment forward is all yours.
Repost/Update from 2016
Sick of BS
February 19, 2020 at 4:54 amWell, don’t despair…ONE of the lying sociopaths that came into my life & WHY I EVER started the journey to seek some answers online from end of 2014 (yet I was just into my 50s) & FIRST TIME really learnt about SOCIOPATHY wh made COMPLETE SENSE & filled in the ALOT of holes of uncertainty (as they HAVE a pattern of EXACT SAME hidden abuse & behaviour – EVERYONE agrees on)..He died at 57yo in Jan 2019 last yr…& I actually rejoiced…as he could NO LONGER deceive anyone. The lying CLOWN was dead as far as I was concerned.
He was a 24/7 drunk (never drank anything but alcohol in my company – could never sleep for long – even found sitting on a toilet with his laptop…now I KNOW why) yet claimed to be an extremely HIGH corporate person (& YES – he ONCE worked for KMPG & poss coz he was RUTHLESS)…& watched him thru his laptop even CONVINCE corporate ppl he was capable on rtn to his home country & they believed him….& I just couldn’t believe it myself.
He made some sarcastic remark to me one nite (wh sociopaths are FAMOUS for…due to their narcissism)….HOW HIGHLY intelligent & smart he was….I simply replied – than if U are SO SMART…WHY do U drink SO MUCH that is seriously affecting ur health (as he was at doctors all the time & even trying to claim for WELFARE that never made sense to me….while he was applying to a wealthy company he worked for previously – & I watched him DO IT thru his laptop as a 24/7 drunk & it amazed me how easily he was believed).
WELL…he died as he LIED to everyone – 4yrs later. And I FELT a lil sad at the NEWS…(after all – he had me smile occasionally with his CIRCUS act) BUT I was WELL over his BS….as he was still trying to taunt me thru LINKEDIN – YRS later (a site I believe is TOO EASY to state BS credentials) even 2days before he died while with his original Asian partner that had the REAL money.
SO…U find it hard to believe ADULTS could act like that? Then where did U think the school yard BULLIES went (as we ALL recall) – let alone their flying monkeys?
Sick of BS
February 19, 2020 at 3:01 amOne mobile phone – 2 mobile phones?…how about up to 5 or MORE…altho thankfully I think govts are clamping down on it to some level – NOT coz they care about relationship CRAP…but the TAXATION Dept is watching…wondering WHY they MAY need so many ph contacts….as ALL phones or SIM cards have to be registered to some extent.
Jon Rhodes
February 18, 2020 at 2:28 amOne rule for them, and another rule for you!
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 3:55 pmYup, that’s right!
Jon Rhodes
February 13, 2020 at 10:50 amIt’s true what you say about cell phones. They use them for their mind games. I’ve noticed that a lot of narcissists have two cell phones. Hmm I wonder why?!
I once knew one who had a phone that had two different numbers. I asked him why he’d want that. He said it was so if he rings someone and they don’t answer, he can try the different number and see if they pick up. He was happy to trick people into speaking to him!
Yeh, phones are definitely a tool for the narcissists mind games. They expect you to be on constant alert if they want to contact you at ANY time of day. But try and get hold of them? Forget it!
Zari Ballard
February 18, 2020 at 12:07 amHi Jon…haha! Towards the end, I was SURE there were two phones going at all times, yet he never answer had to answer while I would just trip all over myself trying to get to my phone before the last ring. Such tricky bastards, those narcs, eh? xo
daisy
September 11, 2019 at 8:25 pmHi, I would like to say that I know these people can be top notch arsholes and hurt us so much. I have visited this website for quite a few years and it has helped me when things were bad with this man. I met him in 1995 and have been involved with him since 2008, he fits alot of stuff on here like “silent treatments” & “cell phone game” they were two of his specialties.
I have just learnt on Monday of this week 9.9.19 that he has died. Its been a huge shock and the death notice was only released after his funeral, so I couldn’t even attend his funeral. I know he was unwell and on heart medication, but I do not know the circumstances of his death. They kick you in the guts after they are dead too..
I had recently tried to leave him in the last 5 months but I had given him another chance and now I realise through all this grief all the years of your life that go by – you can’t get them back either, from putting up with bullshit from this person. I once read on here they will “steal years from your life if you let them” its so true.
I just wish I had been stronger and left him sooner and not put up with it for so long and maybe his passing away might not have been so upsetting. I’d just recently seen him he stayed with me for 2 nights and that was the last time I will see him.
If you are not happy please be strong and leave them because it seems like eventually they leave in one way or another. I used to feel like he wasn’t really there, in the way that I wanted him to be. In a way that would have been healthy and happy. There are other women and their mothers making comments on his online obituary – all this lovey dovey shit and what great, kind, helpful guy. Just stabs you through the heart even more. Never had someone this close to me die and the relationship was clearly complicated. Maybe only death will change him.
Holmes
June 12, 2019 at 9:09 pmEverything stated above is so how I felt and what he did. He would call out me and my 11 year old son as liars and what bad people we are and then turn around and lie himself. He was so mean and jealous of my son I couldn’t believe how he tore him down daily. I would try to get rid of him and somehow be brought right back into his web of deception no quite knowing how I got back there. I felt like I was in a tornado and could not escape. Mass destruction one day, sweetness the next. Cell phone games that went on for way too long. Listening to him speak of himself so highly and how he lived life thinking he was above everyone else made me sick. I chose tonight to take back my life and my son’s. Thank God he is not my son’s real father. He hung up on me for the last time, he put me last for the last time and he lied to me for the last time. I sent him a text stating: This is how much I care for you….I am changing my phone number….bye asshole. That was the last thing I said to him. I had my phone number changed after I sent the text so he could no longer make me feel guilty and worthless as a mother and woman. I’m proud I finally did it!!! NO CONTACT. I no longer have to listen to his ranting and raving when he doesn’t get his way. Unfortunately he will have to find another to take his ugliness out on. I am so thankful to be away. I will stay strong and pray for anyone else who needs to get away from a narcassist. I didn’t know what he was until I got on the internet and did some research of his behavior and relaized I just checked yes for him in every category listed of what a narcassist is, So glad to realize I am NOT the crazy one!!
Tarina Thomas
April 27, 2019 at 2:41 pmTberry.
I like you was told he wanted to wait. It was also at the 3 month mark and just like yours. Mine started to ghost me (his term not mine) he would hardly see me, maybe once a month. If zi asked to see him or I tried to call Inwas always ruining his day or weekend. He would also call me stupid, make me feel bad and crazy for wanting to talk and work things out. I have never felt so horrible about my self. Mine also never affectionate, after sex he would either get up and leave or hand me my cloths and walk me to the door. I felt like a worthless whore. Our last fight was over the phone, he said the vibe had changed with me and that he was done, this of course was after asking why he had no time for me and why he could not talk to me by phone at his home, he hung up on me, and then I let in on him Lied said I had been with someone who was able to please me in bed That I thought he was a huge piece of shit, and how zi deserve a king and not a toadstool, I have not heard anything from him in 4 weeks, I have had a lot of local numbers calling but not leaving messages. But his number is blocked. I am glad it only lasted 5.5 months. And he was 51 years. Geesh what a child he was.
Thank you Zari I don’t think I would be doing this good dmso soon had I not found your books
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:17 amI’m happy to have helped move you forward!