Why do I say ‘fake’? You know what he does NOT post? The fact that she has stolen 15K from him. The fact that he found out she’s homeless and has no credit score. The fact that he wants to evict her in but she threatened to take the script he wrote her to the medical board(he’s a physician). The fact that he moved her in quickly when he discarded me (for his issues with loneliness, he says) without a basic google check on her. The fact that she’s known locally for conning men on dating sites. The fact that she has serious psychiatric conditions. The fact that he called me crying two months into his new relationship for my legal advice and reconciliation, frantically texted me for two days that he missed me and I’m the only person with whom he can live (whatever that is supposed to mean). When I refused to take him back, back to lovey-dovey FB posts everywhere! I haven’t been looking at his page. This gets back to me through my friends who have witnessed his behavior and read all of his texts to me. They think he’s completely insane and dangerous. As an adult, I tried to politely ignore his page and do my own thing. Well, he had to have been stalking my page. I deleted all common contacts when I left him and there’s no ties, yet he reacted to a public post I posted with a sad emoji. That startled me since he has always stalked me digitally and insisted on buying all my technical devices. I found a hidden network on my computer just a month ago which I had never installed myself. Unplugged all my surveillance. He is still trying to get my attention by any means possible since I’ve ignored any further texts he sent.

Now, I finally understand why blocking/no contract is advised. They want to stay on your mind forever, make you feel guilty for leaving(even if they discarded), make you feel it’s your fault the marriage ended and you should take them back after they’ve discarded you like yesterday’s trash, the same way they are willing to discard the new supply for you as though she’s trash, too. It’s the craziest thing. There’s no loyalty. No empathy. He even referred to her as “more convenient to me in location right now”. He has been angry that I refused to sell my own home an hour away and hadn’t yet found renters interested. In hindsight, he wanted me to have nowhere to go when devaluation began. If the new supply is homeless, she more controllable. I never thought such evil existed in a marriage. You realize that the one person who vowed to love and protect you, they had an agenda to destroy you if you didn’t let yourself be completely controlled. I’m still in shock five months later. This is something nobody saw coming. Not my family, my friends, my minister, my cat, nobody. He was that good at appearing to genuinely care about me. Actually, I’m worried what he’ll do next. I’m just beginning to date after this discard five months ago. I’ve heard that’s when they get more dangerous if they find out. What are we supposed to do, live in a bubble?

Hi Sophia, The answer to your question is that yes, some will absolutely do that just to see if you will answer the phone or respond to a text, given how they know you feel. It’s all about what they can get away with.

I just dunno how after 6 days you can still respond like a jerk.

What he does right:

Helps at home
Comes on time
Usually supportive of my ideas if not mad

The odd thing is he does not initiate repair and will often shove you away when you initiate repair.

This is odd and very odd. Why I don’t think he goes around?
Because he leaves and comes home on time.
Because I don’t sense that he drools over other women.
He really does not get rejected at home.

Only way to cheat is to say he is going to work when in fact he is not.

He does use his phone often but does not seem to hide it from me and I usually catch him playing some board games or reading the news. Nothing else.

But this behavior seems off. Started to wonder if every man has this difficulty to communicate.

I wonder if this is an ego issue because at day 6 he can still shove you away. Maybe he wants to be chased. Of course being pushed away means I won’t call during the day or when he gets home.

Hi Lori…yes, a new cell number should always be suspect. I mean, who DOES that? A narc, that’s who!!

Hi Crystal,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I hope to God you have gotten away from this horrible person. I am very familiar with that weird tactic of narcs of making you think they have something important to say but then they either do not show up or they pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. It’s not that complicated, girl. All it is is a way to keep you on the hook and in a heightened state of anxiety. Stop taking his calls, do not respond to his texts. He left you high and dry girl and you made it six months. You can do it again. This is a new year:)….xo

Wow Jenn…thank you. You are absolutely right. So, I go to the article to post a comment telling the “admin” that this is my article and it is waiting moderation. I click on “contact us” and “contact” and “about” down at the bottom and nothing. It keeps me on the same page. The only good thing is that they kept the links in it so it will come back to my site if people click on the article links. But yeah, I have a feeling there are a whole bunch of articles on this website that belong to other writers. Thank you so much for letting me know. I appreciate it very much!

Zari:)

http://ushealthupdate.com/a-narcissist-always-returns-the-hoovering/

Hi survivor,

Being deleted off social media is the NORM and I’ve never heard of it slowing down or eliminating a hoover. However, you can’t be wondering or worried about that. You have to act as if he is never going to hoover and get along with your life. There is no time to waste….

Zari xo

My narc boyfriend, whom I met over a year ago, wound himself back into my life after several months no contact.
Long story short, he moved in for 3 months before hell broke loose.
It was on it’s way down as all the stories go and the formula by which this man lives by is down to the T! Incredible how predictable, I wish I read this site’s blogs before…..

he moved out just over a month ago, his first messages to me were about 3 weeks in and he started off well, but when I declined to meet up for a drink, he went off saying terrible things.
I never cared, had feelings, had heart, knew what I wanted, know who I am.
I am selfish, evil, a liar, have had men in my bed.

On and on. OH and he is in love with one woman only and i made him realise that it wasn’t me and he is back with her.
(remember he asked me for a drink before this “truth” came out 2 hours earlier in the day).

I blocked. 2 weeks later – online message- blocked. 3 days later phone call – hung up blocked the number.
He said he misses me he wants to see me only 30 minutes, why can’t we hang out, we were so close.

I have to vent because it is like NOTHING HAPPENED! Like the breakup wasn’t bad, like he hadnt just moved himself into my life to become something – being the first man to move in.
Oh and like all he said 2 weeks prior and how I am not his type or a good person = didn’t happen.

I am running, no contact, I want to know the following from people’s experience:
1- is a narc likely to show up? or they just do the minimum- calls/msgs to get back on track with you
2- how much attempts/rejection can a narc take?
3- if I DO see him in person ever, how do I respond, my instinct is to physically start running opposite LOL but I don’t know

The truth is, the calls/msgs shook me up, re traumatized me, spoiled my mood and day during/after, it is better to hear nothing the little attempts are stabs of reminders what a non-feeling person I cared for…

Hi Braxton,

Of course a woman can be a narcissist. In fact, in my opinion, the female narcs are worse than the male narcs could ever be. I’ve written a book about it called When Evil Is a Pretty Face on Amazon. I bet you’d see yourself on every page…

Zari:)

Hi Mary,

I thought I’d copy/paste your questions and take them one by one:

1). Why do I have such an issue with wanting to expose him to others? Some of our mutual friends think he is wonderful which always leaves me feeling traumatized all over again. I get the feeling that he has lied to them in regards to things about our marriage and me. We have children together so I can need fully have no contact. How do I handle these situations? SAY NOTHING and read this article about the smear campaign. It explains everything and WHY the strategy for staying quiet ALWAYS works. We imagine that people see the narc as amazing, blah blah but the truth is that, for the most part, people see through it but never say it. And the ones that don’t, who really cares. Saying nothing – even in your own defense – automatically puts you in a better light. I promise.

2) I understand the issues of Narcissism now that I have done my own reasearch / reading. I actually feel empathy for him based on his childhood etc.. and the reasons for his disorder. This sends me reeling into more self doubt that I could have done more or I need to show him love etc because his disorder is not something he choose etc… I feel out of control trying to regulate my emotions. Nope, don’t feel sorry for him. They all have a sob story about their childhood and we’ve all spent many years sympathizing and having empathy over their “situation”. What good did that do us? We don’t have to feel sorry for everyone in this world. If you and I stood in front of a room full of narcs and told them how we know deep down they don’t feel love because they were never shown love as a child so therefore we forgive them, they’d laugh us out of the building. Narcs get along in society just fine. They like themselves just the way that they are. They know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit. How much sympathy can you have for that? Save your compassion for those who are deserving, girl. Nothing you could have ever done would have fixed him. Nothing at all.

3). My children are still confused. They are 21 & 14. He plays games with them as well. Love booming then silent treatment. I want them to understand this disorder but it looks self serving. I don’t want them to become narc themselves or empaths like me in their future relationships. How do I help them? Your children are fairly grown and I’m sure that they understand more than you know. All you can do there is be sympathetic when they show hurt over his behaviors, be the absolute best mom you can be, and don’t talk smack about dad. That last tip goes with your first question above – the concept is the same. Find the humor in his nonsense with your kids so that it doesn’t feel so personal. Don’t look down about it, look nonchalant. With you as a mom, they will be just fine. As for letting them in on the secret (that dad’s an N), it would depend how close you are with them. If they are that confused, casually say, “Have you ever heard of narcissism?” and explain it’s a personality disorder that could explain dad’s behavior. Find an article and show it to them, one that lists the traits. I wouldn’t make it a totally serious conversation…again, nonchalant is key. I think they may appear more confused to you than they really are. The important thing is that they know it’s not their fault. And by the way, there’s nothing wrong with being an empath so don’t hope the opposite for your children. Empaths don’t make a narcissist. Narcissist’s just so happen to target empaths. In a healthy relationship with the right person, empathy both ways can be awesome!

4). He is dating now. Poor girl. He has introduced the kids to her, but forbids the kids from letting me know about her. Why?
I think it wrong to ask them to lie to me. It only makes them feel worse. Why does he do this? This is a common thing and it’s really no big deal. When a divorce is less than amicable, most dads do this narcissistic or not. But it’s really okay because why would you want to know about her anyway? Obviously, you do know about her because they told you, right? Let it be your secret with them that you know and simply don’t bring it up or ask questions. If they want to offer up information, well that’s fine but other than that, there’s just no need to talk about it. Thankfully, your children are old enough so that you don’t have to worry about an evil girlfriend caring for your kids on his time with them. That is great news! Basically, if you don’t make a big deal about her or him not wanting you to know, it will take the load off of the kids. In this case, the truth is what you don’t know can’t hurt you. If you had a boyfriend, it really would be none of his business, right? Same concept:)

I hope that helps, sister!

Zari xo

1). Why do I have such an issue with wanting to expose him to others? Some of our mutual friends think he is wonderful which always leaves me feeling traumatized all over again. I get the feeling that he has lied to them in regards to things about our marriage and me. We have children together so I can need fully have no contact. How do I handle these situations?

2) I understand the issues of Narcissism now that I have done my own reasearch / reading. I actually feel empathy for him based on his childhood etc.. and the reasons for his disorder. This sends me reeling into more self doubt that I could have done more or I need to show him love etc because his disorder is not something he choose etc… I feel out of control trying to regulate my emotions.

3). My children are still confused. They are 21 & 14. He plays games with them as well. Love booming then silent treatment. I want them to understand this disorder but it looks self serving. I don’t want them to become narc themselves or empaths like me in their future relationships. How do I help them?

4). He is dating now. Poor girl. He has introduced the kids to her, but forbids the kids from letting me know about her. Why?
I think it wrong to ask them to lie to me. It only makes them feel worse. Why does he do this?

I appreciate you help.

Hi Eric, I write from a female perspective because it’s my blog, I’m a girl, and my ex-boyfriend was the narcissist. Where I can, I use the “him/her” and “he/she” but it doesn’t always fit my story. To make up for this, I’ve written an apology article for male victims which you can read here and I wrote a book for the guys called When Evil Is a Pretty Face which you can buy here. I have always said that the guys have it tougher because the female narc is so very scandalous and…well…she’s a girl and a girl narc can get away with more things than the male narc. I hope that clears up the confusion…and hank you for sharing any time:)

Zari xo