The narcissist will always be the Grinch that steals our Christmas.
With that said, I bet I could leave the rest of the page blank, letting you fill in the blanks! Yes, it’s that time of year again, friends! Readers who suffer the Holiday Discard will always understand what I’m talking about because narcissists and holidays never change. We’ve all felt the heartache of being abandoned and/or rejected over the holiday season by the one person – our narcissistic partner – that we yearned to celebrate it with. Typically, it happens over and over to the point that we don’t even expect this person to be around much past October or November. At least it was this way for me. My ex – the narcissist of my books – was the Grinch that stole my Christmas every year for 13-years.
I won’t repeat my entire story because When Love Is a Lie says it all. What I will say is that the memory of those Christmases past is vivid even today. The N was present, of course, for our first holiday season but that was only because we got together in October and he had no choice. After all, the Idolize, love-bombing phase must go on. But after that, my narcissist would disappear every October and not return until – I kid you not – January 2nd. This isn’t to say that he didn’t think of me at Xmas. In 2010, ten days after I tearfully sent a Facebook message to the girl I suspected he was staying with, he was thoughtful enough to have me served with a restraining order at 8:00pm Xmas Eve night. My suspicions, obviously, were confirmed. My heart, obviously, was shattered in a million pieces.
So, why do they do it? Why is every narcissist the Grinch who steals not only our hearts but our holidays as well? Christmas comes but once a year…you’d think that even a narcissist could manage to stick around or at least be pleasant for those few days but they can’t. It’s not in their nature. With the possible exception of the very first Xmas of the relationship, the truth is that nothing and nobody is ever going to turn him into Santa. So, what does the narcissist do over the holidays, then, when he’s not with us? And if he is around for Xmas, why does he have to make it so miserable? I mean, what kind of person plans to ruin the holidays?! Although I can’t, of course, presume to know what every narcissist is thinking at Xmas, I believe it must have something to do with at least one or some combination of the following:
- He’s a seasonal narcissist – meaning that he spends his holidays with someone else every year. This is, of course, refers to the vanishing narcissist. The Houdini of the Holidays. The pattern and the length of time he’s gone will always provide clues as to what he’s up to. Because my N consistently vanished from October until after New Years each year, I wasn’t stupid enough to think that he was really staying at his mom’s during that time as he would insist. He’d turn off his phone and/or change his cell number AND sometimes even move out of wherever he was living. I mean, he disappeared. In the early years, I was able to find him, but later on and towards the end, I had no clue where he was at. I only had suspicions. Towards the end, it occurred to me that it was quite possible that – even after all those years “together” – I was actually the other woman the whole time. Talk about an “a-ha” moment! The bottom line is that if your narcissist is a Holiday Houdini, you can safely assume that he is NOT alone and that when he returns, someone else is getting the silent treatment.
- It’s too much responsibility. No narcissist wants personal responsibility, least of all at Christmas time. If there are children around, all the more reason for him to run for the hills or become sullen – even if the kids are his. The festivity of the season is simply too much and, besides, it’s not all about him. Even a narcissist knows that with certain celebratory events come certain expectations – expectations that he has no intention of filling. So, rather than wing it like a normal guy, a narcissist would rather act like a dick so that no one has a good time OR remove himself from the situation completely. It matters not that your heart will be broken or that you’ll have to explain his absence or surly demeanor to his/your children. A narcissist’s only concern is that he be able to resurface with no repercussions. He’ll fully expect a post-Xmas pass for his bad behavior and then some hot post-Xmas make-up sex…and he usually gets what he wants. And if he’s been gone and the story of where he’s been sounds suspicious, refer above to bullet #1.
- It’s not about him. Narcissists keep us busy day in and day out with one crisis after another…and it’s all about him. No matter what we’re doing, he wants us to be thinking about him and it doesn’t even have to be a positive thought. Negative thoughts work just fine and, in fact, actually work better because negative thoughts that go unresolved will always last longer than happy thoughts. The holiday season, because it automatically causes us to focus on family and friends and gifts and parties and trees and children, is a source of angst for every narcissist on this planet. For this reason, he will start a fight, opt out on presents, give you the silent treatment, go to Xmas parties without inviting you, triangulate, and cause general suspicion until your brain is consumed with figuring out what the hell is going on. The narcissist’s holiday chaos will last until the season is well over and all outside influences and commitments have faded away.
The truth is that the narcissist is a year-long Grinch…he’s the Grinch who steals birthdays and holidays and anything that takes the focus off of him. He is a celebratory buzz kill and he plans all year to be the best buzz kill he can be.
This year, do not allow any narcissistic person to interfere with your celebration. For those who co-parent with a narcissist, your job is more difficult. You will have to mask the anger and/or sadness for the sake of the children. You will have to make up for everything he lacks or doesn’t bring to the party but you will be the better person. For all others, if the narcissist in your life vanishes or refuses to cooperate in a civilized manner, do your own thing and cancel his invitation. Cross him off your Christmas list.
This year, participate in the holiday season as if it were your last one. Make memories with your children or your friends and family and fuck the narcissistic Grinch. We have no clue what life will serve us tomorrow and time is a’wastin. The narcissist only thrives when you suffer so begin to break free one small choice at a time. If you’re not together, commit to a holiday “no contact” like no other and follow-through.
Finally, remember that in two weeks, we get a new year, a fresh start and an empty canvas upon which to paint any fucking picture we please. Let’s make it good, my friends, because life is short. For 2017, paint yourself a masterpiece.
Much Love…
(Updated from 12/15/15)
Angela
December 24, 2015 at 1:45 amThank you so much for this article. I currently split from my ex narc in October after he assaulted me and I had him arrested. For years I’ve lived in turmoil over the Christmas period, wondering how I was getting everything so wrong and managing to be in turmoil each holiday. My poor family and me have suffered and I’m doing my best to control my pain this Christmas and focus on the true meaning. Thank you for giving this information I am truly grateful.
Elena
December 22, 2015 at 4:46 pmNarcissists are shitty gift givers too. IF you get a gift, they will let you know how much time they spent figuring out the right gift, or how much it cost them. IF, you get a gift, it will be in front of someone so they see how generous he/she is.
Once upon a Christmas past, I got a gift from my nasty narcissist boyfriend. With much flamboyant fanfare, he handed me a box. He knew what I liked and made a big deal about how much it cost him. A lovely amethyst geode!
His comment as I opened the box, “It reminds me of you–an ugly rock outside and beautiful on the inside”.
I wanted to bash his head in with a 5 pound geode. For the sake of my children present, I decided not to disfigure his leering eel-like face on Christmas day. I was going to pawn it after the last silent treatment. Now it sits on the bookshelf as the last reminder of my torturous years with him. Later I found, the geode came from E-bay and he got a great deal on it.
Beware of narcissists bearing gifts!
Christine
December 30, 2015 at 2:25 pmElena, may I ask why that geode is still sitting on your bookshelf? Is there a reason why you have to keep it? Far be it from me to tell you what to do, but I would seriously pawn it, sell it on E-Bay (or craigslist, or any of the other numerous online sellers) or do whatever it takes to get rid of it. I would just hate for you to have ANY reminder of that turd whatsoever. I personally felt a huge weight lifted off of me when I threw away the flowers my narcissist had once given me, and just not having any reminders of him around. How about getting rid of that geode, and getting something else that you truly love and putting THAT in its place on the bookshelf–to symbolize your new beginning?
Same Boat
December 31, 2015 at 3:38 pmI need to chime in on Elena’s post and agree with Zari’s response on not keeping her geode. Oh man, get that freaking thing out of your house! Seriously… you don’t need it to remind yourself of the hell you went through! My N gave me a teddy bear on Valentine’s Day (during a bit of a love bomb phase after I had left him the first time… I’m now guessing he bought several and passed them around his harem). Anyway, I cherished this stupid fucking thing and told him sleeping with it made me feel like he was there (on all the nights he ‘didn’t feel good’, or ‘just remembered he made other plans to help a buddy’ etc. etc.) yuck… bucket please!!!! One day during a 2 month discard my sister came over and I said “please take that damn bear and put it somewhere, don’t tell me where, just get it away from me!” She hid it and for 5 months I had no idea where it was (and did NOT try looking for it). I came upon it (in my basement) a couple of weeks ago. She had hid it well, I give her credit, but sometimes when you move stuff….. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about what to do with it. Ideas such as: ‘Rip it’s head off and put it on his front door step’ is one. ‘Rolling it in my dogs shit and leaving it on his front door’ is another one. Perhaps a combination of both!?? lol. No, I won’t do that simply cause I don’t want his backlash. Things are nice and quiet now and I’d like to keep it that way… but oh, how sweet it would be. What do you think Zari? 😉
Same Boat
December 31, 2015 at 3:39 pmI meant “Christine’s” response 🙂
Elena
December 22, 2015 at 4:14 pmAnother perfect post at the perfect time! Narcissists have all the allure of a “seasick crocodile”. In fact, I would rather take my chances swimming with a croc then spend a lifetime with these sick, twisted souls from the core of hell. Spent 30 years with various types (mom, husband, boss and recent boyfriend). It was an unending sequence of agonizing torture–but I learned finally! They are all the same– just different torture methods. If you ever watch a croc attack–they pull you under and roll until the prey is dizzy and suffocates.
Thank you again Zari. This blog has been a Godsend.
Diane
December 21, 2015 at 9:29 amDear Zari,
It’s been over a year since I first reached out to you after being silently dumped by my narc after four years. Remember me? Lover man went into yet another inexplicable rage as he was asking me to to travel with him to Jamaica. I knew what was coming next: a silent treatment. But this time I head for the hills. We have not talked since. I can’t thank you enough for the support and encouragement you give through your wonderful wit and wisdom. Around this time last year I was so desperate I invested in a phone consultation with you. I certainly needed it.
Time is an amazing healer. With your help and help from the many postings on your site, I pulled myself up from wallowing in the mud. I have discovered that I am co-dependent, which is why narcissists can spot me from a mile away. I am in counseling, attending co-dependents anonymous meetings and determined to break my life-long addiction to unhealthy relationships with people who are unavailable. I will be forever grateful for your help.
Zaris,I hope you have a joyful and love filled, narcissist-free holiday and all the happiness that you deserve in 2016.
XXOO,
Dianemarie
Zari Ballard
December 21, 2015 at 12:02 pmHi Diane!!
Okay, instant tears just now! Of course, I remember you! I am so grateful when my friends from here check back at a milestone to let me know they survived it and they’re still alive and well. I check in for awhile – especially with those I have spoken with – but then I think..well, maybe no news is good news and the last thing I want to do is remind people of the exact thing they want to forget:). So, when I receive a post such as yours this morning, you have no idea how it makes me feel. I am overcome with emotion. Like I’ve always said, recovery is a team effort and this is why we’re all here.
I wish you nothing but the best. You keep doing what you’re doing and thank you for sharing this point in your journey. Again you made my day and I am further inspired to keep the mission going:) Have a joyous holiday and New Year, Diane, and I am sending you a great big hug across the miles…
MUCH LOVE,
Zari
Jen
December 19, 2015 at 8:55 amThis article could not have come to me at a better time! Thank you for writing about it because unfortunately I’ve been sucked back into the nonsense by my N recently. He was good for a week or so but now it’s getting closer to Christmas and of course, he’s fading away. It just clarifies everything I know about him but have been ignoring. Hope you have a great Christmas and keep the articles coming! I have read all your books and they have been very helpful.
Zari Ballard
December 20, 2015 at 12:40 amThanks, Jen:) Hang in there, girl. Believe me, if he fades away, it might be sad but at least it’ll be peaceful. Enough is enough…you deserve to be happy…
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Lisa
December 16, 2015 at 3:54 pmMy first thanksgiving: ( dating 6 months) Had my parents, his parents, my immediate family, and friends. Total 20 people. He smoked weed ( the guy is almost 50!) and “checked out…. Hid upstairs and kept sending his youngest daughter down to get me to come up, I was trying to get dinner on the table and entertain guests
My first Christmas: traveled put of state to my family, he felt he was treated badly and we left the next day ( I even read my fam the riot act! ) isolation plan working….
My first Valentine’s Day: he needed to have a daddy / Daughter weekend alone with his girls… I went out with friends, he did NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL… Got my first silent treatment….
My first Easter: and my stepson’s wedding: got my first discard ( via text from out of state and after another silent treatment)
I could go on…. But you get the picture. Fast forward to the final discard… We planned his daughter’s birthday party at my restaurant WITH HER INPUT…. she was turning EIGHT
Asshole.
Carol B
December 16, 2015 at 2:30 pmHi Zari and Happy Holiday to you….My situation with my N is difficult because we do have children but only one is a minor. My problem is this and any suggestions/advise you may be able to give me would be greatly appreciated.
I recently divorced my husband after 25 years of fucking lies and bullshit and cheating and blaming me for his cheating, etc., you know the drill. OK, well this is the second Thanksgiving he blew off his kids-told me he is busy will celebrate with them another day (that was last year) this year, he sends a text to all of our children wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving the problem-the fucking text was at 4 in the morning!!!!!!. and never reached out to our children the rest of the day. Last Christmas he thought is was going to dictate how he was coming to my house in the early morning hours to play Santa and open gifts together-I nipped that in the bud real fast and tried to compromise telling him he can pick up his kids in the afternoon. Not good enough for him so he opted to not see his kids at all!!!!! Now, this Christmas, I understand he thinks he is coming to MY house Christmas morning again! He has not mentioned a word of this to me (im guessing for fear that I will tell him no again) I’m going out on a limb here and am going to say he is just going to come by unannounced cause with my grandkids here he knows I wont tell him to leave! how do I handle this? I don’t want to be a bitch in front of my grandkids or my kids, however, this is my house and my Christmas too and I, personally, don’t want him in my house. Why does he feel that we can still do things as a family! He reuined that by putting his “dick” in places or people it should not have been (and that’s only a bit of crap he’s done). He blames me and our kids for his crap. How do I set boundaries? He is a very vengeful person and will withhold the support money or ignore my kids and I don’t want that. I am still dependent on him financially and he knows it and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want and deserve to be happy as well. I am not the one who had girlfriends and was supporting them too!!!! I didn’t walk out and leave my kids for over a week with no contact to them-he did. Oh, the best was when he got on our kids for not contacting him after he left!!!!! don’t get me wrong, I threw him out but when he left he left no note, etc. for his kids-NOTHING. guess he was too busy for them. we have learned, my kids and I, that, when he has nothing else to do or nobody to be with, he is up our asses. He moved 4 minutes from us and drives by every single night too. I am about to lose my mind with this guy. How do I get thru to him without any backlash or horrible things said to or about me???? thanks for letting me vent-I know this is long and that was not my intentions. I love reading your stuff-all of it…please keep all this information coming because it does help. thank again xoxo
Zari Ballard
December 20, 2015 at 1:15 amHi Carol B,
Wow…what an asshole he is. The reason why he thinks he can just pop in whenever and do things as a “family” is because he lives in that “false sense of entitlement” fantasy land that all narcissists live in. It makes him feel better about his awful self and shows the people in his fake world that he’s “trying”. The bottom line is that you divorced him and he is NOT your husband anymore. You say you are worried about not getting the child support if you piss him off but isn’t the support for your minor child court-ordered? If it isn’t, it should be…it MUST be. And it’s never too late. He should never be able to withhold support at any time. If it doesn’t automatically come out of his pay, that needs to happen. That’s all I have to say about that. You shouldn’t have to worry getting your support…that’s should have been handled in the divorce.
As for the kids, you are not responsible for how he treats his own children. I tried to manage that FOR YEARS with my son’s father (not the narc of my books but still a narc). If he got mad, he’d disappear for weeks. If he got mad, he’d call me names right in front of our son (who was very young then). He spied on us, drove by, and was up our asses for quite a while until I finally put my foot down. You have to set boundaries and let what happens happen. If you only have one child that is a minor then you really have only one child to worry about seeing his dad. Trust me, my son’s dad was the biggest bully under the sun and and used my son as a pawn for years. Today, my son is 26-years old (and has disabilities) and we’re best buddies. His dad has hurt him so badly – it’s been six years now since we’ve even heard from him – but we made it through. I decided long ago that I wouldn’t be the one walking around talking smack. Eventually, these douchebags dig there own parental grave all on their own. You just have to be the best mom you can be and allow HIS TRUE COLORS TO SHINE THROUGH. You can’t control how he behaves as a dad…it’s not your job and it’s for the best that he stays away anyway.
As for what he says to others, who cares? Don’t be so sure that the rest of the world thinks he’s a great guy. Just be silent and don’t talk crap about him to anyone and DON’T hang out with mutual friends. Let him talk all the shit he wants. It’s all lies and means nothing anyway. All it will do is make HIM look like a shit talker. If he talks shit to the kids, so what? Don’t feed into it and don’t try to defend yourself to the kids if they ask about it. They’ll get tired of hearing it anyway and they’ll notice that it’s dad who’s doing all the talking. It will become obvious real quick. YOU HAD EVERY REASON TO KICK HIS ASS OUT and don’t let him intimidate you.
Having said all that, I don’t know if there’s much you can do about this Xmas. If he shows, he shows. I’d be willing to bet he won’t stay for long anyway. BUT next Thanksgiving & Xmas needs to be very different and you need to make this clear to him. There should be family time with you and then, if dad’s around, they can go there for awhile. If you don’t want him in your house (and you shouldn’t, I agree), then he is not to come there. He can drive by all he wants – shut the blinds or get those windows where you can see out but he can’t see in! LOL If you haven’t already, change the locks. What’s he gonna do about it? Like I said, do what you have to do to make sure that support comes whether he likes it or not. And try to find something that will bring you in some cash. You need to work on becoming self-sufficient so you won’t feel so dependent. Only you can make that happen. IT’S ALL ABOUT BOUNDARIES. Set them. Commit to them.
Stay strong and stay in touch! I’m here to support you…
Zari xo