Thank you so much for sharing, Sarah…I posted the whole thing! Stay free, sister…peace of mind is all its about:)

A lightbulb went off when you summarised the whole N. ‘arsenal’ as passive-aggressive – the fact that it is ALL bullying. And so hard to put your finger on. I am now coming to terms with totally cutting off my grown daughter, after the latest bout of future faking. (That’s hard to justify to others, given that the bullying is ‘hidden’, and the mother-daughter relationship seemingly so ‘sacred’.)

She lives overseas, so when she plans to visit she gives me her travel dates – sometimes months ahead – and tries to rush me into agreement. These dates are supposedly fixed by now, with her travel agent and friends, while I haven’t been consulted. If they conflict with mine, or I have any reason for saying ‘no’ (eg COVID) she won’t compromise by even one day. She’ll throw a tantrum, play victim (‘You’re rejecting me again’), and hoover me (‘I’m only coming all that way, and spending all that money, to see you.’) She has usually lied and wheedled the money out of others by saying she’s concerned about her old Mom, but can’t afford it. And she never has any money herself, of course,

After a year of near-silence from her, and my attempts at grey rocking, I believe she’s now just trying to shore up her inheritance. (Her Narc father is spending his money on a much younger woman in Asia.) My mistake was to over-explain my reasons for saying ‘no’ at his time. This gave her ammunition for arguing sgainst me. She was willing to make all sorts of sacrifices once she was here – she just wanted to ‘spend time’ with me.

Finally she went for emotional blackmail: She had to come then, and if not, she couldn’t come at all. She’d put the money somewhere else. Implied: If I can’t come when I want to, I’ll miss out altogether, and it will be your fault. For once I saw the manipulation and replied that I wasn’t responsible for her decision, and wouldn’t discuss it further.

I got the predicted responses: I’m rejecting her (again); ‘something else’ must be going on with me; she would have done all she could to adapt to my needs etc. I didn’t reply, and while I felt shaky about it, I also felt a 40-year burden lifting. (Over 70 years, if you count time living with my father and her father.) Life’s too short.

I think the shedding has been made easier by distance, and mainly through the absence of anyone significant that she could now triangulate with. I have nothing to lose now (even inwardly), and knowing that I’ve liberated myself from a lifetime of conditioning, finally feel that I can find peace of mind. Thank you so much for your contributions.

Hi Rs,

No one should stay in an abusive relationship/marriage with a narcissistic cheater for the children. YOU are not the problem and he should be kicked to the curb. You have to be confident in the truth that you know because he will NEVER tell you the truth and he will always blame you. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will show you how I came to terms with what was going on and how I got it right in my head. I stayed for 13-years and wasted a whole lot of time. A narcissist has no problem at all wasting your life away while he goes about his narcissistic business. Time to make a move, my sister. The kids will be just fine….

Zari xo

Robert wrote…You assured me things would get better,and after several hoovering attempts and a few mean things from the shadows,i am standing strong on the no contact… Yay!!!!!

Hi Robert!!

No, thank YOU a million times over for such an awesome post…to read it made me very emotional:) That’s all I need to know, my brother, and if you were here, I’d give you a big hug!! I love it when I get updates and, wow, I can’t believe an entire year has gone by. OMG. Yes, no more hiding!! You are awesome and all you’ve got to do is BELIEVE that and trust your instinct. If you ever feel up to really filling me in on the entire year-long shebang, you can always shoot me an email. I’d love to catch up:)

Thank you again so much for stopping by and GOOD FOR YOU FOR MAKING IT THROUGH. YOUR POST IS PROOF AGAIN THAT IT IS POSSIBLE. Write me anytime, here or via my email. As always, I’m here to support you….

Zari xoxo

Hi Nina,

Girl, you need to read my book When Love Is a Lie because I address every issue you described in your post. The great sex (and how it changes nothing…here’s an article about that) It still amazes me how ridiculously identical they all are in their behaviors. Trust me when I tell you that they will never ever change…never! He will do this until the end of time if you allow it. It’s all about what they can get away with. If he can get away with vacationing without you and not staying in contact while he does it, he’ll do it. If he can get away with taking his ex and the kids to tropical islands and family weddings and not telling you he’s doing it, he’ll do it. As long as you let him get away with all this, he will never stop. Even if you called him out until you were blue in the face, it will never stop. The only way it will stop for YOU is for you to end it and not go back ever.

Read my book…I went through the same thing and I explain how I changed my mindset and got out of it. Be sure to read all the articles on this site because I discuss all this here as well and try to cover ever topic possible. Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo

Hi Laura,

To me, a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. What difference does it make whether he is covert, overt, classic, histronic, blah blah, know what I mean? This guy is a jerk through and through and you can label him all you want – he deserves it!!! All those little cards and texts (“are you okay”…”worried…”) are simply hoovering mechanisms to pull you back into the game. Do not fall for it, sister, as his intentions will always be bad. These people can and do not want to ever change. They like themselves just the way that they are and the game for them just never gets old.

Life is too short for this foolishness its slipping away. Make a plan for the new year that never includes him ever again.

Stay strong,

Zari xo

Thanks, Dr. Blabby! You are spot-on!…Zari xo

Hi Barbara,

Thank you for sharing your story, sister:) Yes, unfortunately, narcissists do not improve with age! In fact, they often become more polished at the con depending upon their particular talents. It’s such a weird dynamic that we just can’t wrap our heads around it and so we stay to see what happens next, hoping that our suspicions are wrong. I’m grateful that you are moving on. There certainly is no time to waste and these creatures will GLADLY waste our life away if we allow it. The game, for a narcissist, just never gets old – even if they do!

Stay strong and write here anytime. I’m here to support you….

Zari xo

Dear BAS,

I don’t know when he will treat this girl badly but since he appears to have a zillion girlfriends, surely it will happen. My question to you, since I don’t sense even the slightest bit of pain and despair in your post about a break-up, is why are you putting up with it? It seems to bother you more that you find them not as attractive as you. If they were beautiful, would you feel better? Probably not. And since he’s – by your definition – a BULL SHITTER, then don’t worry about it. Let him do his thing and get on with your life. There’s no time to waste.

Zari:)

I have been involved with at least 2 Narcissists. The first was an introvert control freak and “withholder”, the second was like a movie star, popular, big bull shitter that everyone seems to love. Mainly because he has money and buys drinks and will have a party. But he has parties where the bar already has a band, etc., so all he does is collect the recognition and really the party is free! I can’t believe everyone falls for this. He would stand up in the living room at 1/2 time of a football game and say “the plans have changed”. I figured out that the wench he is with now texted him, he would just get up and leave. So I was on to him, caught the 2 of them at his place late. Texted if he didn’t let me in, I was calling police for my stuff! She was wearing his t-shirt and lace panties, the bed was messed up and BOTH of them insisted nothing happened! They are both liars, so maybe she is a narc too?? But after 3 yrs of him, he takes the biggest, loud mouth slut to his families wedding. He is now in pix all over facebook with her. Can you tell me when he is so worried about his rep and we went to church every Sunday – why in the world would he choose the biggest Ho in Cincy to advertise himself with? I had people tell me out of all the chicks he chased, I looked pretty good in pix I posted. He didn’t want me to, but he was in ignore mood, and I thought I’d fix him. LOL So let me know why a narc would choose a lowlife to run around with, when he had a woman that gets along with everyone and is cute enough. BTW, that wasn’t the first time he cheated, there were at least 2 other chicks. They weren’t all that either. Why and how long will it take for him to treat this chick like he did me?

But how did you fall in love without meeting him? I don’t know that much about narcissists, but maybe he wasn’t really one…he just wasn’t viewing you as a real relationship.

In my online dating experience, it is never “real” until you meet. Chemistry cannot be determined online or in a phone call. And when someone drags out meeting, there’s a reason.

I wish you better luck next time. There are lots of cads, unfortunately.

Thank you for your work in helping the victims of this horrid disorder.

I met C on a dating site, and he pursued me with vigor. He said he’d treat me like a queen if allowed to be my exclusive boyfriend. What a laugh! He was painfully cheap, never bought me a single flower or gift for Christmas, Valentine’s, or my birthday. (Yet I took him out for his special days). He cheated on me with a woman weighing 300 lbs who was a senior citizen, and then lied about it (she confessed that my suspicion was correct). The most insulting thing? He refused to have me in his home, saying he has two boarders! Yes, we had to use motels. Sexually, he was very talented but mechanical. There was no genuine affection or romance. When I dated another man, he angrily asked if the lover brought me to climax–not whether I was in love with him!

He never made time for me, yet insisted on texting me dozens of times a day, even when I asked him to stop. I don’t think he was just trying to stay on my radar as a future second choice. I believe it was a control tactic so I would be reminded of him and not move on.

After not seeing him for over 3 months, the spell is finally broken. I’d rather be alone forever than used by a narcissist.

Hi Emma,

Wow…you have to know this guy is just a cad…a con man…and a super-duper player. I hope that are able to pull yourself out of it before it goes on much longer. NEVER accept mere crumbs of attention. From the moment he met you, he began managing down your expectations and now he gets away with whatever he is doing on the side scott-free. There is no way that he is NOT stringing women along on the side and I bet there is more than one.

Please know that you deserve more than this and that nothing about anything about him – not the way that you met, how he blew you off for someone else, how he acted when you ran in to him, how he pulled you up in the queue as soon as the his other dalliances didn’t work out or come through – is normal and it never will be. This is as “good” as it’s ever going to get. You don’t have to be “hooked” to less than you deserve. He is an online predator that truly is nothing nice. Be strong and send him on his way. Discard HIM before he discards you and if he does discard you turn it into no contact. Look ahead into the future and see that there is NO future with him. Sometimes we have to do the right thing for the sake of the one life that we have even if our heart is reluctant to the change.

Zari xo

Hi Eileen,

I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy of your husband’s death…40 years is an absolute lifetime and I can’t imagine how you went through that and survived!!! The good news is, however, the fact that you have lived to write here on this blog tells me that you can survive anything. A narcissist, in the grand picture of life (and especially your life with such a tragedy) is really nothing. Please look at it in this manner. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH HAPPINESS, SISTER!!!!

Please keep in mind that I do provide consultation support so that we can work it out together in real time. Sometimes a conversation with someone who has been through an experience with an N just like yourself can make all the difference. It may just be the medicine you need:)

Stay strong and please do write here anytime. I am here to support you:)

Zari xo