The narcissist will, over time, manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more. This is one of the most powerful weapons in the narcissistic arsenal and it provides the narcissist (male or female) the most rewards. In fact, the narcissist personality really shines when implementing this particular strategy because it shows just how much patience he really has when it comes to controlling you. The managing down of a partner’s expectations allows the narcissist to stick close to the relationship agenda that guides him and it allows him the freedom to roam about on this planet fairly unfettered while we sit on the sidelines scratching our heads and grinding our teeth.
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Managing down our expectations is a method where a narcissist shows he has all the patience in the world. The process begins with the very first fight or the very first silent treatment (whichever comes first) and lasts until the final devalue & discard. The entire process can take many weeks, months, or even years and you won’t even know it’s happening. It’s the narcissist’s way of teaching you how to behave and how to react to any given behavior that he bestows upon you.
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The N manipulates your expectations by “training” you to react a certain way to certain situations. For example, the disappearing act. If your N is anything like my ex-N, he’ll just disappears for days/weeks at a time, not answering his phone (or changing his number), refusing to answer the door (or not being home for days), and basically acting as if you don’t exist. It causes horrible anguish and suffering – so much so, in fact, that you will do anything to make it end including forgiving his disappearance instantly upon his return. You will be so relieved to have the separation anxiety disappear that you may not even ask about or demand a single explanation. In other words, he gets away with it which is a narcissist’s goal in just about anything that he (or she) does. Now, to manage down your expectations a bit further, the next time he disappears, he will stay away just slightly longer than the time before, thus extending the time he gets to cheat on you (because that is what he’s doing, by the way) with each silent treatment. Ultimately, he will have managed down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can stay away for months on end, returning with little or no fanfare.
The narcissist uses this narcissistic ploy to his benefit for many situations including having to take you on dates (he basically never takes you anywhere because you don’t expect him to) or being with you on the holidays (you just expect that he won’t) or paying his own way. Our expectations of what is “normal” in a relationship get completely messed up and we begin to allow everything and anything to take place right under our noses. It becomes easier to look the other way…to “forgive” the indiscretions and mind-boggling behavior…rather than to call a narc out on his behaviors and risk another departure. In other words, we give everything and expect nothing in return and nothing is exactly what we get!
Everything the narcissist does or says during the course of your relationship is a means to an end and don’t you ever forget that. Nothing is ever random. A narcissist is out to get whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense and the easiest way to do it is to manage down your expectations of the relationship so that you’re willing to accept mere crumbs of attention. In doing this, he can disappear and reappear on the fly without much fear of consequence. He will count of your suffering to keep you in his queue and your acceptance of crumbs to keep him from putting to much thought into any given lie.
Think about this when you beat yourself up over why you put up with any of this shit. Your concept of a normal relationship became or has become twisted and now, whether or in the relationship or finally out of it, you have to re-train your brain back to normal. What we allow will continue and only we can make the changes that will ultimately lead to our recovery from this type of relationship manipulation.
Get started today…I am here to support you:)
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Nessy
May 2, 2016 at 11:15 amHello all,
Firstly excuse my English, I am not a native English speaker. Secondly I am sorry for all the Pain those so called narcissist have caused you. Unfortunately from a statistical point of view the population of narcissist in the western world is close to 1%. So many of you have just dated insecure, manipulative and frustrated human beings. Furthermore it seems to me that 99% of narcissist are located in the USA. Have you ever thought of the possibility of being a narcissist in south Sudan or in DRC… well it’s complicated. You can’t be a narcissist in the middle of the dessert, can you? So western societies obviously impulse narcissism. Anyways besides the sociological and psychological aspects of narcissism I would like to say that for those of you who have encountered a narcissist I feel sorry but I feel even more sorry for the narcissist itself. I am what some call a cerebral narcissist. I know what I am mainly because several psychologists and one particular ex told me so. Before that, I am 31, I felt ok. I studied abroad I worked in different countries I am good looking, charismatic, intelligent, highly educated… but since last January, after my beloved ex broke up with me I started feeling something was terrible wrong with me. I started to look inwards, a true introspection, and hell appeared. I lacked empathy (I still remember my ex crying in front of me and feeling ashamed because she was making a scene), I made her read Dostoyevsky and Hemingway so I had something interesting to talk abouy, Even made her watch CNN In an effort to help her understand the political situation of the world… eventually that sweet, loving creature decided to leave me. I never ever felt so much pain in my life. She is the sweetest human being I have ever seen, the most loving creature I have ever known and I have lived in 7 different countries. I pushed her away I criticized her I humiliated her to the point she could not take it any more. I totally understand her decision. I had to quit my job and return to my home country, and that is when it hit me hard. I was raised in hell, I am not used to being loved therefore I reject it subconsciously. I feel inferior, I feel unhuman and I feel absolutely alone unable to emotionally connect to other human beings. Now, is that the way I wanted to be created? Does anyone here t rully believe that I enjoy being me? That I enjoy not having a family who supports me? No. Narcissist are all born In hell. My parents are both high functioning professionals who have no time for their sons let alone their emotions. So how am I ever going to feel love if my mother has worked all her life from 9 till 21? if i was raised by aupairs, who came and went every semester? What I am trying to say Is that all of you have the good end of the stick. You are able to have a plentiful life, full of love. I have a drug addiction to power and success, which renders my life empty. I would not care if I was a drug dealer or the CEO of Microsoft, the output would mean the same: power and money. It is obvious why we do it. Those two are highly valued commodities in our world. If poverty was a value I would be a vagrant. I had it all, nice job, amazing gf and it was not enough to feel the void in my soul: a mother who had cared for me. So remember before you demonize a narcissist and critice his lack of empathy be the better person and try to understand the huge whole in his heart. I am not saying you must stay next to him but at least leave them alone. I have never met another narcissist but i remember how I was. Even of you told me i was wrong I would of laugh at you, I would of used a satirist comment to fence you off. What I am trying to say Is that it is very complicated for a Narcissist to recognize himself. Once he does he will open pandora’s box and that it extremely painful. Also not all narcissist Hoover, I don’t, I know my ex will have a better life without me than with me and I assure you it breaks my heart or whatever other artefact I have. bottom line if you love your narcissist and want to help him compare him to others, better looking, more successful… and tell him/her that you still love him. That will create a huge confussion in his head… how can he/she love me if I am not number 1? Well that is what normal people call LOVE! It will take time but eventually I am certain he/she will understand and open to you. And then when you see how the narcissist is in reality: insecure, lonely, ashamed, empty… we will see how powerful is that LOVE of yours. Narcissist are terrified of abandonment and losing control. Subconsciously they will do anything to push you away and control you, but if your love is true maybe and only maybe he\she will old f to you… but no one like to see a man cry like a baby over his mom… So I can understand why we hide it fearfully! Good look to all of you with your narcissist!
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2016 at 9:10 pmHi Nessy,
Before I dive head first into this response to you, let me say that I feel that you are sincere and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and observations on this disorder. It’s always fascinating to hear from the other side. However, from my perspective and on behalf of narcissist abuse victims everywhere, I must provide a rebuttal to many points in your letter and so I will….
First, let me tell you that you are dead wrong about where the narcissist is the most prevalent. Narcissism is EVERYWHERE and just as rampant outside of the western bubble, my friend. Of course narcissists can live in the desert and, in fact, can thrive there as well. I speak with victims of narcissist abuse all over the planet and I actually find that narcissists residing in places like Egypt, South Africa, Pakistan, parts of India, and especially Turkey are far more courageous and polished in their mission to be deceitful than their Western brothers. For narcs in Turkey and Egypt, I believe this is because narcs from those countries specifically target women outside of their own culture – typically tourists from the UK and sometimes the US – and they only have so much time to get the job done. I am always amazed at the depth of the lie that narcissists of this culture will tell and the EASE in which they tell it and how proficient they are at using social media as a tool to keep it all alive. Western narcs are just not that street smart and this is cultural as well. The catch to that: while non-western narcs HAVE to be charming, good-looking, and educated or else western women wouldn’t comply, western narcs can have not a single one of those qualities and still get the girl. So, go figure.
Now, I can’t speak specifically to the South Sudan or the DRC and, in my own mind, I imagine it to be an entirely different kind of narcissism – perhaps more serious and, as you say, complicated – yes, I could agree to that in some ways. My point, however, with all of the above was to address your perspective of narcs being prone to the western world and to THAT I wholeheartedly disagree. But, putting all the sociological and psychological differences aside, the END GAME for narcissists of ALL cultures is the same so it really doesn’t matter where they all live or how they go about getting it done.
But what is your definition of narcissism? I know about narcissism and it has a crystal clear definition for me and I’m not so sure that you fit the bill. This is not to say that you don’t have issues but I’m here to tell you that, based on what you’ve shared, I don’t think it’s that. More on this in minute…
***Narcissism – in the way that we perceive it here ON MY BLOG and how I know it to be true from speaking and corresponding with thousands across the globe – is about GETTING OFF on the pain and suffering of those who love you. It’s about knowing right from wrong but not giving a shit. It’s about feeling falsely entitled to do whatever you want with whomever you want whenever you want at anyone’s expense. It’s about telling lies, big and/or small, day in and day out even when the truth is a better story. It’s about making everyday, all day about what you can get away with. It’s about cheating, promiscuity, and even sexual deviancy. It’s about passive-aggression and using silent treatments, gas-lighting, and manipulation to manage down the expectations of another so that all you have to do in the relationship is show up. Narcissism is all about having a pathological relationship agenda from which you will HAPPILY never waiver. Does that sound like you? Somehow I don’t think it’s quite like that for you but I could be wrong. The narcissism we’re talking about is NOT about money and power ALTHOUGH many people who have money and power (politicians…every person in government, etc.) are not only narcissists but sociopaths as well. The narcs we speak of here can either have money or not have money…they can live on their own or live with mom…they can have a great job or a mediocre job or be jobless…and throughout it all, they are AS HAPPY AS CAN BE in a twisted, smug, falsely entitled, and very unapologetic sort of way!!! They have a specific relationship routine of idolize, devalue, and discard…seduce and discard…that they repeat like clockwork HAPPILY for years if they’re allowed. If they cry, it is only because they feel sorry for themselves or because they got caught…it is never because of what they did to others.
The narcs we speak of are NOT sad or remorseful and could care less about being introspective. They are not CAPABLE of EVER REALIZING anything let alone have a complete understanding that they treated someone who loved them like shit. However, narcissists DO like to blame their parents for everything but it’s mostly about abuse and not the fact that their parents worked long hours. Did your mother abuse you INTENTIONALLY? Did she blatantly ignore you and when she wasn’t ignoring you, was she blaming you for her own unhappiness like a true narcissist herself? In the western world, most moms HAVE to work so of course I take issue with your statement that the reason that you can’t love is because your mom wasn’t there. Where was dad and why not give him some of the blame? How are your brothers?
It appears to me that you were raised in an environment that encouraged hard work which would, in turn, would provide money and power. Maybe you took it to another level – a level beyond what you should have. If so, at least you “get it” now and hopefully won’t do it further in this life. Perhaps you’ve learned your lesson. I hope so. You seem very highly educated…perhaps this girl wasn’t at your level. This doesn’t serve to ever give you a pass for your meanness but it is an explanation perhaps as to why you felt annoyed by her. In the same vein, your preference for Dostoyevsky and Hemingway and world politics and your tendency to talk down to her was not her cup of tea and she – thankfully – pulled away. Perhaps she didn’t find you nearly as charismatic, good-looking, and interesting as you found (and find) yourself to be. Even then, you thinking highly of yourself in comparison to others, while pompous and obviously showing a narcissistic side, does not make you a NARCISSIST. You’re relationship simply didn’t work out. Shit happens. I believe that you are afraid of abandonment and rejection and losing control and BUT SO AM I AND SO IS EVERY OTHER NORMAL HUMAN ON THE PLANET. Since you appear to feel the pain of it all, then I have hope for you that you can change. Stop blaming others…your mother…your ex girlfriend…the fact that perhaps it wasn’t true love from her to you…that somehow the partner of a “narcissist” should do MORE to understand the man behind the deceit and abuse. Sorry, but no way. When you say, it takes time…how funny…I spent 13-years…some have spent 40 years…all with the same result. A true narcissist simply needs to be left to his own devices…he’s perfectly happy that way. The hardest thing is getting them to leave US alone…to stop returning to finish us off. It’s a game that simply never gets old. We only WISH that they cried inside about their own awfulness. But they don’t.
So do I think you’re a narcissist? No. Do I think you’re narcissistic in some ways? Sure, and maybe a bit more than others but oh well. It still does not warrant sympathy. Re-read my paragraph above marked ***. Is that you? If it is, nope…no sympathy from me…you deserve none of it. If it’s NOT you (like I think), then stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back out there. Send her an apology letter to get the guilt off your chest if you must and then move on. Go back to work…seek power and money but pout a different spin on it. Make a difference in the world…you’re only 31!! You don’t have to be addicted to your job or to money and power like your parents may have been but you don’t have to blame them (specifically your mom) for your bad behaviors either. Learn from your mistake and start being humble to the world and good things will happen. You’re not a narcissist just because a couple of people gave you a label. While every narcissist is an asshole, not every asshole is a narcissist. I actually have hope for you and, believe me, on this blog, I don’t say that often or lightly! So don’t let me down, brother.
Take care and I wish you only the best,
Zari
MK
July 29, 2016 at 1:06 amAbsolutely fantastic response! Very well put. My narcissist wasn’t from the US- he wasn’t even western. It’s not about the country the individual is from, it’s about the individual. Anyway, you worded everything very well. Thanks for a wonderful blog- you have been a real help.
Zari Ballard
July 30, 2016 at 9:37 pmHi MK,
You’re welcome & thanks for visiting!
Zari:)
Sick of BS
August 9, 2016 at 10:13 pmThis is a copy of words from a sociopath which I just had to make a copy to remind me, last year (I forget where I got it from)….
AND if U doubt they can be so HTless & unfeeling….JUST READ THIS……do u really want to be a part of this?
As a socio, one is not enough, just like we like to conquer the office, and the world, our partners will never satisfy that hole in our hearts. we could have one at a time, but that’s just waisting time, it’s not like we dont hope to find one person to fill that void, but really we need so much more… and the thrill of juggling (brings tingles down my spine) it starts with one delicate heart, then another, and sometimes more, sometimes you only drop one, sometimes you manage to catch them before you set them down, other times you can throw them back into the air and decide later if you will catch it, or throw it higher to see how hard it falls.
Sick of BS
August 9, 2016 at 10:26 pmAND NESSY…don’t believe a word U say.
We all know the pity-play of sociopaths!
Sick of BS
August 9, 2016 at 10:49 pmDON’T forget girls…most sociopaths have high IQ, even real high….but, zero emotional IQ…their brains are defective. No drugs, no talk therapy can help them…1-4% of the population with a big problem to the brain pre-cortex area.
Often look good, function at work as high achievers…but sadly, they have a REAL brain issue & personality disorder. It’s not just narcissism…they really CAN’T relate.
3/4 of sociopaths are males…so, yes guys…there is that sociopathic woman out there…alot less to deal with than us women have to…but, that’s not talking to the true gay community. These pigs will f**k anything – anything that has a pulse….be aware!
AND they truly don’t care…crap pours out of their mouths…they are compulsive pathological liars.
NOTHING to do with anything U thought U did wrong…in fact, they thrive on human nature making excuses for them…so, STOP it!
Is he an arsehole? That really is the only question U need to ask. And, who said that to me? A guy with Aspergers….he’s right!
Sick of BS
August 10, 2016 at 8:36 pmHi Zari, is there a reason U never posted my comments made yesterday to this guy?
Sick of BS
August 10, 2016 at 9:02 pmSorry, I see now…it’s still waiting moderation. Take care…U really are helping ppl…ISIS is full of these monsters…who care, for nothing, or no-one! Well, truth IS…there ARE good ppl out there…even, if hurt…so, I chose to keep smiling at strangers when I take my dog out…U really don’t know their stories
Sick of BS
August 10, 2016 at 9:38 pmInteresting too…the trait of sociopathy turns up in alot of blue-eyed ppl. I know that is NOT always the case…but also realise many colours will dominate blue eyes in a genetic crossing…esp brown. Just an observation….but many ppl have noted it before. Like the tortoise-colour cat can be known as skitsy or the bengal…it’s there.
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2016 at 1:39 pmHi Sick of BS,
You shouldn’t have been moderated since you’ve written before. Sorry about that. You also said you posted “to this guy” but it shows you posted to yourself. Were you posting to a comment in particular? If so, you have to click the “Reply” next to his name.
Zari:)
Sick of BS
August 15, 2016 at 1:08 amOK…got you…thanks!
Ur awareness to get it out there to help ppl is wonderful. I u/stand U got caught up for years…never understanding these monsters exist…using U as a person, over & over for their enjoyment. I got caught up in just months (when vunerable) the past 2yrs with 2 of them (not stupid tho)….both were damaging…both from my past BUT not really knowing what they were really like, back then…but, the pain is the SAME. One of these guys was the most likely reason my family treated me different when I came back from working o/seas in my late 20s (he was a hse-mate in a shr-hse for 2yrs, I thought we made gd friends – came on strong soon after I broke with the love of my life but we didn’t last long – I thought we remained friends tho)…I never u/stood the rift with my 1/2 family until I met him last yr, after he broke up with his longterm defacto (& daughters who wouldn’t talk with him in 3yrs) – he claimed the defacto wife lied he raped her…I now believe he did. I hadn’t seen him in 18yrs…& EVERYTHING fell into place. He had befriended my 1/2 brother strongly after I went o/seas (still was his friend apparently when I met him last yr…but that could have been a lie)…I thought it weird when I got back from o/seas how everyone in my family was a lil different toward me & attacked me at a Xmas celebration about shit I could never u/stand…now I know…his vindictive attitude boggles the mind. He had brain-washed them – obviously, told them a lot of shit when I lived with him…I was away nr 3yrs…he had plenty of time. Cold, calculating & couldn’t care a shit…expalins now why his family backed away from him & he never would tell me why.
Zari Ballard
August 15, 2016 at 6:00 pmHi Sick of BS,
Yup, they will talk all kinds of smack to sway the masses and make themselves look better. Also, by spewing their bullshit, they actually convince themselves that you are deserving of their ludicrous behavior. Sometimes they are able to get people to be complicit but most of the time (unless it’s family, as you know) people simple stay away or stay distant. Talking smack isolates us from others so that the narc can get away with more and more. It is, after all, all about what they can get away with. That’s the whole point of the game!
xoxo
Yulia
February 20, 2016 at 10:24 pmI stumbled upon your website while googling for something completely unrelated (search for the source of a quote to the effect like “every goal is attentable if your expectation is low enough”). Anyways, I was amazed when I read some of your articles, because these people all do the same thing! Although you call them narcissists, I feel like many traits you talk about more like belong to sociopaths. But in any event, the behaviors of sociopaths and narcissists are very similar. Every psychologist would give you slightly different differentiation between the two. My understanding is that both lack empathy and both have zero sense of right and wrong (no moral). To me the difference is in the core, a narcissist is weak and have low self esteem so they are obsessed with self-aggrandizing thoughts and like to devalue other people in order to feel superior. So narcissists are highly emotional in a bad way. On the other hand, sociopaths are invincible in their core. They are not emotional at all. In fact they have no real emotion. They are just cold and calculated and don’t mind stepping over other people’s bodies to get what they want.
Two tactics you talk about especially resonate with me: managing down expectations and future fake. I will reply on future fake in your future fake article. Here I am just going to share my experience with managing down expectations.
I met his guy in 2012. I believe he is a sociopath. He lived in my neighborhood. Basically the first date was the only real date. Then he would just casually asked me during the week if I wanted to go out for a drink in the neighborhood in the weekend. Then he digressed to last minute deals only and refused to commit any plan in advance. So I was annoyed and told him to make a date like a normal person if he wanted to go out with me. He ignored what I said while continuing to text me almost DAILY asking me if I wanted to go out “tonight.” I thought he must have brain damage for being totally and utterly unable and/or unwilling to take in what I told him. So I ignored all his texts. Then he called me on my cell phone. I ignored the calls because I saw it was his number. Guess what? That’s not the end of it. He apparently installed some app that made my caller ID show some out of state numbers so I wouldn’t know it was him calling. When I picked up the phone he asked me to go out for dinner “tonight.” I said no. Then he said “how about going out for a drink tonight”. I said no. And amazingly he said “what about going out for a walk now?” Even when I already thought talking to him was completely useless, he was still trying to manage down my expectation: making a point that if I turn down his offer, the next offer will be lower, and the next offer even lower. I blocked his number and started to hang up on those unknown out of state numbers. Then he started to email me every so often with just one short sentence “how are you doing?” Or “what’s up?” Or some version of that.
The whole time he showed zero emotion. He didn’t seem upset when I called him out in his bullshit and told him in his face how inappropriate he was. Most other men would at least feel offended or embarrassed and therefore slightly upset/angry. But he displayed none of those emotions. Just calmly pressed on trying to get what he wanted. When we were talking on a friendly basis (there was a long period of time when we were sort of friends after I told him I didn’t see him as dating material), he was most interested in my love life and would be very excited if things weren’t going well with me and the guys that I was dating. It’s clear that he saw it as my weak moments and hence his opportunity to get into my pants. So I would classify him as a sociopath rather than narcissist. I have to admit that I did go out with him a few times (once in a long while, after breakups with guys that I was dating and desperately wanted company). Eventually, after maybe 3 or 4 times in the span of 2 years, I decided that I was positive that he was sociopath so I cut him off completely. Another clue for me is from his girlfriends during this two year period. He always looked for women who were more accomplished than him career-wise and asked these women favors. For example, he got himself a girlfriend who was well-connected and was working in the company where he wanted a job. He dated her for a few months and finally convinced her to get him an interview in her company. After he was turned down by the company after the interview he promptly dumped her and hunt for the next woman.
Anyways, I want to say thank you for creating this website. Making us aware of the narcissist/sociopath behavior patterns is the best way to help us avoid these people in the future
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2016 at 11:46 pmHi Yulia,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your story! I know that my definition of narcissism may be different than others but I still think that I’m right! haha! This is how I see it and believe it: first of all, every sociopath is a narcissist but not every narcissist is a sociopath. What tips the scale from narcissist to sociopath? That little extra bit of evil, that’s what. The stories you have described all talk about narcissism or describe narcissists, not sociopaths. Narcissists aren’t motivated to go the extra mile to abuse a person unless it will benefit them in some way. For narcissists, it’s all about getting benefits out of any situation. Sociopaths goes the extra mile to destroy you because they like it and that’s as beneficial as it needs to get. Future faking, silent treatments, the Cell Phone and Text games, cheating, manipulation at a surface level, managing down our expectations, playing games…all of these behaviors and tactics are obviously narcissistic and, therefore, also apply to sociopaths. A sociopath, however, takes all of this and does something over-the-top sinister with it. He will make you feel “fearful” of things you don’t even know! He will ruin your life flat out. He will call CPS to get your kids taken away, he will call the cops, he will call your employer, he will be married already and lie about it for years, HE WILL CROSS YOUR MOST PERSONAL BOUNDARY AND LAUGH AT YOU WHEN YOU CRY. Narcissists usually cross the most personal boundary as a distraction so that they can disappear or so that they can blame YOU for why they left or whatever. As hurtful as it all is, it’s not always sociopathic. Sociopathic is the extra bit of evil included that narcissists simply aren’t motivated enough to include at that level. This perspective can also be applied to the guys that are just assholes. While every N is an asshole, not every asshole is a narcissist. See what I mean?
The next step up from a sociopath is a psychopath and a psychopath contains all the behaviors and traits of both narcissist AND sociopath PLUS he will MURDER you if he needs to. And I mean MURDER as in “kill”. This, of course, is how I see it but I believe it’s a simple and logical way to differentiate between the three personalities.
Zari xo
aaa
March 25, 2016 at 2:04 pmomg – this sounds like a guy I left 6 weeks ago after about 5 breakups.
How did you deal with him living in your neighborhood?
My ex-soc lives less than a mile away and works 100 feet from my apartment!
Zari Ballard
March 30, 2016 at 2:42 amHi aaa,
I rarely left the apartment for three years unless I absolutely had to and when I did, I had eyes in the back of my head. Now, three years after the fact, I’m back out in the world and prepared to handle an encounter. If I see him before he sees me, I will get back in the car, walk out of the store (even if I’m in the check out line) or wherever I’m at and drive away. If he approaches me (which he would – he’s like that), I will respond with detachment and indifference and quickly make an exit.
Zari xo
Yulia
March 30, 2016 at 7:41 amI am the opposite. I am not very aware of my surroundings. It’s not in my habit to look around when I walk or when i go out. So even if I walked by him or dine in the same restaurant with him I wouldn’t know. I still go about my business as usual. I never ran into him in the past 3 years even though we live literally within 5 minutes walking distance. I think it has a lot to do with we having very different tastes so usually go to different places. Our neighborhood is a very busy neighborhood with countless bars, restaurants and stores. So unless we like going to the same type of places we don’t run into each other. Also I know what his favorite spots are so I don’t go to those places. Once he called me at night to tell me he just saw me walked by him earlier that day. Being me I didn’t see him of course. I am positive he was with somebody (likely a date) when he saw me, because otherwise he would for sure have walked up to say hi and offer a drink and try to get me drunk. I notice these type of guys almost always have an object (a woman) with them at any given point of time, because they are always on the look out for new targets to add to their list to ensure whenever they want they have a dozen numbers to call. So being rejected by one (or even a few) of their objects at a time doesn’t hurt them at all. They just call the next number, and the next number. And when they feel like the viable numbers are running low, they go out and get new numbers. I know as a fact that this guy always spends a day or 2 a week hanging out in certain bars to pick up new girls. The rest of the day he calls his list of numbers to get laid.
Katie
July 22, 2015 at 8:22 amThe disappearance thing was key to everything. It happened a week after I met him – he spent that first week in my pocket and then disappeared for two weeks before coming back. It was because of that impact in the first week that I didn’t tell him where to go, if only I had, it would all have been different. It was about low self esteem with me and feeling grateful for this sudden attention I was getting. I knew very early on that there was something wrong with him but that just served to hook me and I spent many many years trying to find out what – no internet then! That is why I spent so long with him – just trying to understand. I got to the point after many years where I understood most of it and accepted that I never would know the rest and then I let go. Now I am finding out what he was – a fully paid up narcissist. So much of what I am reading about them and here on your site, fits perfectly.
I do really resent those wasted years so much. He wasted my time, my youth and my creativity which was totally curtailed. Literally the best years all swallowed up and my faith and trust gone for ever. He continued this pattern, disappearing for days, weeks, months and sometimes years. He would disappear after sex, after making arrangements for the next day and not showing up. He had me a wreck at times. After eighteen months, two years, three years he has come, always he comes back. I know in fact that he isn’t really gone, despite it being nearly three years again now. He will be back. I know this and I know to ignore him. What is more I am finally ready to do so.
When they go, leaving you to work it all out, you can be well on the path to recovery and healing before they come back and strike again like a bolt from the blue. It puts you back to square one and back on the merry go round. My emotions were all over the place. Always be aware that they get a kick from pulling your strings and reeling you in. Sometimes that is enough, sometimes they want more. I even refused to see him quite a few times and he would go away after I managed to stick to my guns. But he came back and another time it was just too difficult not to let him in. Huge amounts of energy and strength are needed to keep yourself away from someone who refuses to go away and stay away. I will honestly not be surprise if this man turns up when I am eighty.
Incidentally, not long after I met him, I told someone who knew him that I thought there was something evil about him. I still stayed though! They do tell you who they are. He told me he was bad. He was. He was also a ridiculous liar. They were so stupid, mostly I knew they were lies but it didn’t stop him. I always wanted to believe him too.
Yes mine cried too. He was a victim of abuse. That is a reason but not an excuse. He made me cry and cry but I never made him cry once. He was a drug user. He didn’t like himself or his life but he used others to make himself feel better.
Barbara
May 14, 2015 at 2:14 pmZari,
All I can say is WOW and Thank You so much for sharing your own experience and insight into the Narcissistic Sociopath. I have been reading your blog for the past 3 days, some parts over and over again. Finally, I have the answer to the question WTF is wrong with him. I have lived every word that you have written for the last 8 years of my life. I can’t even count how many times he has given me the “silent treatment” in the last year alone. I know twice in less than a year he left me and moved in with other woman. The first time they supposedly just friends. This last time they had sexual relationship that lasted about 2 months until she got smart and kicked his ass out.. He came straight back to me and like the fool that I have been took him back no question asked. During the time he was with her I was an emotional wreck, couldn’t function, I was paralyzed, crying uncontrollably everyday for weeks. Well, he came back 3 weeks ago and he’s gone again. I took a nap Sunday afternoon, Mother’s Day, and when I woke up he was gone and all of his things were gone. Tuesday I found your blog and suddenly it all started to make sense. I am 54-years-old and have been going to school the past few years working on getting a Bachelor’s Degree. When he left the time before now, when he moved in with that woman, it was midterm/Spring Break and for the first 3 weeks I couldn’t even open a book, let alone finish homework assignments. Some how I managed to snap out of it long enough to get back on track with school, IN SPITE OF HIM, Just finished last week a couple of days before he left this time. Generally, I am pretty savvy and have a great deal of insight myself and I have a strong feeling this is his final “Devalue & Discard” at least with me. I feel this way based on some of the things he said to me the last 3 weeks that he was here. It’s interesting to me that I have known for quite some time that he had serious mental health problems. I even took 5 psychology classes as I initially was pursuing a degree in that field. Thank You again for helping to me to actually call him by his true name, Narcissistic Sociopath. I think that reading your blog is helping me to better accept the true nature of my relationship with the devil and hopefully will start to heal and move on. I still feel all alone, which is why am responding to your blog. I have also read some of the other comments and who knew that there were so many other women out there like me. I’ll close with one final thought, something that had been haunting me for years now. The chaos and turmoil has been a daily thing for years and when he was treating me so badly and I couldn’t understand why, I remembered something he told me when we first met and started dating. He told me, “I am the Devil”, and I laughed it off. A close friend once told me many many years ago, “When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!”
Zari Ballard
May 18, 2015 at 4:53 pmHi Barbara,
Thank you for writing and I appreciate your story so much. Girl, it is exactly like my own… right down to me waiting until somewhere in the 8th year before I even started googling his behavior. THEN, I stayed another four, thinking I could fix it. Wrong! Please, please…download my book When Love Is a Lie</em> from Amazon because you will see yourself on every page. From the silent treatments (100’s of them) to him reappearing as if he’d never been gone to me being unable to function normally AT ALL while he was gone to the constant chaos and turmoil no matter how I tried to meet his expectations and keep him from leaving to the day, 2 1/2 years ago, that he kissed me good-by, said he’d call, and never ever came back. Sister, I have been there, rocked that and it’s all in that book. Please, please read it.
Listen to me good….block his ass so that he can’t call or text you. If he comes knocking, shut yourself in a room with your hands over your ears and don’t answer. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. Understanding this and also accepting the fact that he will never ever change is the first step toward mentally breaking free. In fact, read my second book too, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, because it’s a workbook for the anxiety of the break-up. They’re both cheap and easy reads and my words will make you see him for exactly what he is. The Devil.
You WILL heal but you must be proactive because it will never end if you don’t make an effort to separate fully. I hung in there for 13-years, a full four years after my discovery. Both books tell the whole story and you will see things differently after reading them, I guarantee it. Hang in there and know that I am here if you need me. I’m here to support you!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Barbara
May 20, 2015 at 2:53 pmZari,
Thank you for responding to my post. He’s been gone now for just over a week. True to form he left some of his things behind, his classic MO for keeping one foot in the door. He also still had my house key. There is a sick, somewhat twisted, dysfunctional relationship that he has with his mother. When I realized after reading your blog that this was a form of manipulative control I let his mother know that my locks have been changed and there is nothing left of his in my home. I couldn’t bear the thought that he still thought he had control over me, so I told his mother what I had done knowing full well she would relay that information. He called my phone a couple of days later, I DID NOT ANSWER, he left a threatening message on my voice mail. He hasn’t tried to call since. However, I have this anxiety thinking he could show up at anytime or even call. I don’t really think so, because my instincts tell me his done at least for now.
Since he has been gone this time I am not a basket case like in the past. In fact, hours and hours go by without me giving him any thought at all. There is still that lingering, I don’t even know what to call it, that creeps in now and again. Unfortunately, he has left me in a serious financial crisis as he has done in the past. This time it’s pretty bad at the present time my rent is behind 2 months and my electricity in jeopardy of being cut off. Amazingly, this past week I have experienced one blessing after another. I am looking for employment and praying to God that I don’t lose my home as I had years ago because of him. So, I can’t really afford to by your books at this time, but I promise myself as soon as I get back on my feet I will most definitely get them.
For some time I have questioned the “why” of it all. I have always thought it might be to one day share my story and help empower other women. Sometime very soon I would like to send you a copy of a paper that I wrote my first semester in college back in 2010, the assignment was to write about my success story. Thank you again for your response and your support
Barbara
Emma
April 19, 2015 at 8:00 pmHi Zari,
I just have discovered by my long term partner of 15 yrs is a real narcissist and I am completely shattered. i downloaded your third book – how to break up on going to bed and read it until the early hours. then on waking i downloaded your your love is a lie book and am left reeling.
i thought he had narcissistic tendencies but on reading your books he had all the symptoms and performed his evil as yours did on me for 15 yrs – i am in a state of shock and feel like vomiting like you did. i have my own business and have taken the day off to just process it all.
it is really quite horrific to realise that you have been lied to for so many years. i feel like such an idiot for falling for it. devastating is not strong enough a word.
thank you for your books and this site. thank you thank you. i thought it all was only happening to me and it is comforting to know that others have suffered the same thing and i am not mentally insane.
i am the normal one as the N never has validated or acknowledged or said sorry for the pain he has caused. it is so good to be finally validated and to know what i felt was so right even in the first year but he twisted things to make out that it was all ok.
my god my god is all i can say and i will never ever not trust my stomach again. i just feel slaughtered after reading it all and it will take me many days to process. just unbelievable. unbelievable – i can’t believe this has happened to me. i have had no contact for 9 weeks due to him cutting me off again as he has done millions of times and am finding it very hard. but i am never going back after reading it all. i just feel i have wasted so many hours suffering for no reason. how devastating. how devastating.
i just want to lie down and go to sleep as the shock is so great. i can hardly breathe. it is like i have entered a nightmare. i remembered i had a nightmare about 7 years ago when he had cut me off and guess what the spirits were trying to tell me something then and now i know the nightmare was in fact real. that my beloved is in fact a lying evil devil. i loved him so so much and believed every word he said – what an idiot i was – i feel really sick and so so sad. how can i ever build trust again – how can i ever love again. i am just a shattered shell. i feel like a grenade has blown me apart into a million pieces.
Zairi thank you for doing all this – you are a heroine. your books are fantastic real to life and no bullshit or jargon.
bela
April 3, 2015 at 1:30 pmI went through a very painful and hurtful year (more than a year) when m y Narc discarded me and started dating married woman, mother of three ,from my own work place infront of me.After an year when I felt that I was not coping , I changed my work place , gone far away leaving everything I made. I took up a job with less salary. He then started calling texting me and calling me when I was about to recover from the pain.I believed him and returned to my old place . Some of his friends informed me that he was dating multiple females. When I questioned him he understood that I was talking to him with proof he agreed that when I was away he made lots of friends and some of them were “sexual” and said he cannot leave them just like that . One of his girlfriend is pregnant and it’s not his child According to him he supporting her “” because she has nobody and she is a nice person,, His life is so busy now running from his girlfriends to girlfriends,I feel pity for him seeing his lifestyles, standard of his relationship and struggling to keep up with his lies. He is a total failure and no one respect him .He thinks no one know what he does , but everyone say things about him when he is not present. No one respect him. Poor man , what an empty life!
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 5:49 amHi bela,
Isn’t it amazing how they see the world from such a tainted viewpoint? In their mind, they are the shit and, sure, the world might revolve around them but that’s only because they FORCE the situations (pregnancies, multiple relationships, etc.). Otherwise, they’d be all alone. Don’t feel too much pity for him, girl, because he likes it just the way it is. He sees his life as full not empty and that’s fine as long as your not part of it. Don’t be so sure that that baby isn’t his because no narcissist hangs around ANYONE just to be a good guy. Impossible. Either he KNOWS it’s his or he THINKS it might be and she is making damn sure he hangs around…..that’s the ONLY reason he’s there. Narcissist don’t support anyone for the sole reason of supporting them. It simply never happens.
I’m sorry that he has made you run around from job to job and place to place. That is completely unfair and all he is doing is making sure that you never move on. He’ll continue to tell lies to keep you in the queue. Do not talk to him. Block him at all costs. He’s got plenty of other girlfriends to keep him busy. Don’t let him waste any more of your precious time than he already has. Have no pity for him. Again, this is exactly the way he wants it. At this point, it becomes imperative that you cut all the ties that bind – including mutual friends, his friends, and so forth. Getting updates or even allowing others to discuss him, how ridiculous he is…all it does is keep you stuck.
He may be a poor man but it sounds like his life is pretty damn full right now. He can’t just leave all of his sexual friends “like that”? He sure didn’t have a problem leaving YOU like that a while back, did he? See how ludicrous that answer is? Let him live in his own messes with all those girlfriends that he just can’t leave. Better them than you, sister! He is not and never has been a friend so don’t let him talk you into that because it’s, again, just a way of stringing you along. He’s done enough damage. You deserve to be happy and he’ll make sure that never ever happens.
I wish for you the best!! Stay strong!
Zari xo
Sophia41
February 22, 2015 at 4:28 pmSally:
Your comment seems like narcissistic “punishment.”
The reason I CHOOSE to stay away from people like this, is not because it’s just “a man” I’m dating, it’s BECAUSE I generally avoid as much negative contact with ANY number of people (boyfriend, fiance, fiends, work associates, etc.), who are toxic in general. I maintain a healthy distance and intentionally avoid any deep or lasting connection from toxic people because I CHOOSE to KEEP BETTER COMPANY, not because I “choose to make them miss me”, or “punish them for my absence.” …
… THAT is EXACTLY how a narcissist behaves and thinks. “What can I do to ‘make someone miss me, want me, desire me, worship me and follow my every whim?” … THAT is HOW a narcissist thinks, and has evidently LURED YOUR MORALS into his/her manipulative behavior/thinking trap!
Sally’s choice seems to have more of a cruel intention, rather than a personal choice to live one’s life as absent of ANY abuse as possible (including how you value you own moral choices), and I include the imposition of needlessly intrusive government, abuses of law, as well as immoral/inconsiderate and selfish neighbors, associates, and acquaintances … even family members with whom we are socially, and sometimes financially forced to endure.
It’s not easy to find really healthy people these days. Many people seem to be plotting life, instead of living it well by making great choices for ourselves and our friends.
What kind of friend would WE be to allow that behavior in our lives with the people we love? Proper admonishment for bad behavior is commendable … manipulative admonishment is abuse.
I could never shame my friends by being one of their “bad friends” that they have to “endure.” I would rather live alone than allow my own bad behavior to continue along a negative path, at least on a permanent basis, as we all make many mistake in life, not only with our own choices, but also with the choices we allow others to make within the framework of our immediate lives that directly impacts our lives.
The key is to minimize negativity in one’s life, on every level. You must confront and re-direct or reject consistently bad behavior by not allowing it the reward of your good presence, all while allowing yourself the self-dishonor of some loser’s abuses for his/her own shortcomings of soul. I know this SOUNDS a bit ‘narcissistic’ in tone, but in reality, if we ALLOW negativity without hard stance, it will knock down anything positive in its way. The key is in PREVENTING that from happening, and/or continuing, by whatever means necessary. Oftentimes, removing yourself entirely from a negative situation, and placing yourself intentionally into a positive one, you can immediately or eventually rid yourself of the greater evil.
REMEMBER THIS:
It’s HARD, in the short run, to “lose” an abuser to whom we are attracted, for whatever reason lured us towards what is missing inside or outside of our own life, especially by someone who “fills our lives” with something missing. But it’s HARDER in the long run, NOT to have lost them, especially AFTER they have ruined our lives, and the lives of others’ to whom they should have remained loyal. Once you see that someone’s loyalty is really that fleeting towards others and their own oaths, any SANE and mentally healthy person would chose to avoid negative people and situations in their lives.
Even when we are down and temporarily “allow” abuse because our defenses are down, we can also choose to be strong in time and ways that allow for some interaction, allowing to remain on a certain level. The abuser and manipulator will always demand more .. DON’T GIVE IN TO AN ABUSER, EVER, and watch out for he flattery bombs .. you are NOT “the best lover whom s/he waited for his/her whole life.” How many times do we have to be bombarded by that manipulative, verbal tactic?! That’s your basic sexual and human identity someone is toying with, simply for their own entertainment and intrigue for controlling your emotions. I rather enjoy confronting someone’s “perception” of me, especially if they are mistaken or exaggerating points to an annoyance. Many narcissists repeatedly exaggerate their “recognition” or “accomplishment” or “going above the call of duty”, making sure YOU SEE ‘how important’ s/he is”, especially those in higher social positions who CAN do this … that’s how they progressively got there in the first place. I am rarely “impressed” by pomp and circumstance, although I do respect tradition and rite, but pure BS is unpalatable.
Zari Ballard
February 23, 2015 at 10:15 pmSophia41 wrote to Sally….Your comment seems like narcissistic “punishment.” I disagree.
Hi Sophia41,
Given that you sound upset, I went through Sally’s posts and I’m not sure what you are responding to when you say “Your comment seems like narcissistic “punishment.” Are you referring to her comment that stated she was going to use the silent treatment to her advantage and turn it into No Contact? If so, there is nothing wrong with her strategy and I encourage it myself. The point is that why wait until they return to tell them that you’re done? When they give you the silent treatment that is the final straw for you, simply don’t be there when they get back. I didn’t see anywhere in her short posts that she said she was going to use the silent treatment to try to make him miss her or to “punish” him. Maybe I’m looking at the wrong posts. Or maybe you were referring to my article. As for the fact that you would never consider shaming your friends by “being the bad friend that they have to endure”, are you suggesting that this is what she was doing because I don’t see where she said that at all. And, although I completely agree with YOUR statement, let me be clear that a narcissist is NEVER your friend to begin with so he/she is certainly not deserving of any courtesies therein. Perhaps you were speaking from how a narcissist might think in which case I certainly get that. It’s just that your tone is coming across accusatory and it’s confusing.
And I think we all already understand that these are the type of people should be avoided at all costs. This is the very thing that we’re trying to work on…so that it simply never happens to us again either with the narcissistic ex or with any other toxic person. You certainly seem as if you’ve got it all together and that is admirable but not everyone is to that point yet (although I’m sure we’ll all get there). In the meantime, we meet together in places like this so that we can support each other and try to help each other to make the best decisions going forward.
Thank you for writing!
Zari