Male victims of female narcissistic partners have a harder path to walk (than female victims) on the road to narcissist abuse recovery and here’s how I came to this conclusion: In making this website, I take great pains in trying to address those topics related to narcissism that weigh the most heavily on the minds of my readers. To do this, I study the analytical data and statistics of the website itself on almost a daily basis. This data provides me with the gender of visitors, the demographics, the keyword search terms that visitors use, and a whole host of additional information. From the very beginning, I noticed something very interesting – and shocking – about the gender of my readers: a good portion were male. And I’m not talking just a small percentage. I’m talking a percentage big enough that for me not to address the specific issue of male victims of female narcissist abuse would be not only unfair but completely hypocritical.
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So, that being said, I’ve written the following personal letter to all male victims who endure narcissist abuse at the hands of a female narcissist…all those males victims that visit numerous websites (including mine) looking for support on the subject of female narcissist partners, narcissist abuse, and narcissist recovery and who typically find nothing that speaks to them.
To Male Victims of Female Narcissist Abusers:
First, let me apologize on behalf of all female victims, website bloggers, and authors of books on narcissism for perhaps the biggest “slap-in-the-face” we send to the male victim of narcissist abuse: the constant referral to the narcissistic partner as he and him. Although I do make a disclaimer as to this reference in my books and have, in fact, written a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) that specifically addresses the female narcissistic partner, it still must be painfully annoying and I’m sorry for that. Now, unfortunately, having said that, it’s doubtful that, at least online, this reference to the male gender will change anytime soon. The fact is that, at least for me, it’s simply easier to refer to all narcissists as he since 1) the majority of victims who speak out on the topic are indeed female and have suffered abuse at the hands of male narcissists, and 2) most narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths happen to be male, and 3) I speak from my own experience as a female victim. So, I hope you can forgive and see past all that when seeking comfort for your own abuse on my website and others. I, for one, can promise you that the reference isn’t personal.
Second, let me say that, after reading through letters and forum posts both on my site and on other sites from male victims, I get the sneaking suspicion that female narcissists, though smaller in number than their male counterparts, might very well be the leaders in the evil department – and there ‘s a logical reason why. Considering that women, as a whole, can be fairly cunning, imagine how sneaky a narcissistic female can be! Male narcissists (MN), even while tormenting the female victim, still have to worry about maintaining the proper image in the global arena (i.e. outside world). Female narcissists (FN), on the other hand, are keenly aware that females in general pull in far more sympathy from outsiders than even the most victimized male and so the load for the FN is much lighter. FNs, without the extra workload of having to instantly smooze anyone and everyone who might sympathize with their victim, may very well be naturally inclined to do the more evil of narcissistic deeds – whatever that may be. Knowing how narcissists think, I can easily imagine an FN taunting a male partner with “Go ahead! Tell everyone that I vanished for six weeks and you caught me with someone else. I don’t care! All I have to do is cry a few tears and I’ll have the whole world believing that you are just a lazy, abusive dog and that I’m the victim! ” You get my point. There are other reasons that lend themselves to the fact that female narcissists may be nastier and I promise to address this in future articles. For now, I want you to know that I do “get it”.
I must say that I’m very proud of the fact that when I do read letters/comments from male victims, the female victims on these sites step up to the challenge of being supportive. The truth is that I think most female victims feel as I do – that male victims are very isolated in this mess (as a whole) and do not have a whole lot of male-exclusive “victim” clubs to run to for support. Another truth is that, for the most part, female victims know that male narcissists – even though there are millions walking the planet – do not, exclusively, speak for the male population. We want to know that there are good guys out there! We want to know that the male gender can actually experience the heartbreak that we feel – that it’s actually possible. You won’t find female victims accusing you of whining, I’ll guarantee that. At the peak of our suffering, male victims are our only proof we have that good men even exist anymore! So, we want to hear from you! We want you to join the sisterhood!
My point in all of this is that I encourage you – the male victim of a narcissistic partner – to seek support among us. We are here to listen and to help. Narc abuse is unique in its passive-aggressive evilness. We know that you suffer through silent treatments and deliberate acts of chaos and gas lighting and co-dependency and all the types of manipulation that we suffer through. As I said before, we may even be inclined to believe that your specific degree of suffering is a tad worse. As for me, I definitely acknowledge the credit you deserve for putting up with the inevitable reference to narcissists as male because that is unlikely to change. This must always be a point of contention and the fact that male victims, for lack of a better place to go, even dare to brave the all-female forums to share your grief is admirable. Understand that female victims appreciate this fact and will recognize your sincerity.
To everyone, with the pain of a narcissistic discard often so indescribable that we feel nothing but isolation, all victims – male and female – are welcome on this website. Together, we can spread the word about narcissism, lighten the burden for victims who follow us, and hopefully get a handle on the madness.
Your friend,
Zari
Uriel
October 19, 2019 at 12:17 pmI feel very comforted knowing that my pain is justified.
Brendan
August 15, 2019 at 11:40 amI was with a Female narcissist for a year. I have been eviscerated as a result. I once cherished the idea of having a Woman to hold (and to hold me) and enjoin all the wonderful thi hs an intimate relationship bring. But I am so turned off by Women at the moment. I want to trust again, but all of my worst fears and insecurities were preyed upon. I was one of the Good guys, but now I have to pick up the pieces of myself and rebuild.
And what’s even worse is that I’m starting to figure out that my Mother is a narcissist as well. So since birth I have been set up with this invasive type of person.
I am not able to find joy and satisfaction in much these days. I shudder to think that any Woman would want me now that I am broken and without direction (not very “masculine”).
But I am trying bit by bit to rebuild myself. I just have to get away from my Family too.
This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
Dave Weis
August 11, 2019 at 2:56 pmHi, I’m Dave, and I just got divorced from a narcissistic woman who took me on a financial roller coaster. No details needed now.. details don’t matter. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Financially, emotionally, and mentally painful in the extreme. To top it all off, I did the whistleblower thing with my supervisor regarding weapons at the workplace. Yes another female narcissist. I got a severance ( not enough, considering), and she was fired/let go shortly after I was “let go”. Double whammy and sickening. Don’t EVER think that narcissism is a male (or any other “gender” related issue). Not true;, but the stigma of being a male victim is outrageously ill conceived and, dammitatall sexist as hell. My mother is a narcissist, my dad is her enabler. Sigh. The Drama of the gifted Child, indeed. I wish to participate here, and give/receive help as I can. Thanks for your existence on the Web .
Jason
August 4, 2019 at 8:57 amThank You for addressing this issue Zari
Rahul Pandey
April 14, 2019 at 7:55 amHi,
Thanks for your support on this sensitive subject. I was, in fact, glad to read that someone has acknowledged that Narcissists in articles, blogs, videos are always referred to as “he / him”. I am with the victims of male/female narcissists and hope to stand shoulder to shoulder with them in their journey.
As a survivor of female narcissist abuse, i can say that once you see through the bullshit and identify that you were the “good one” in the relationship, the recovery starts!
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:40 amHi Rahul…thank you for reading and I always say that the female narc is the worst! You are a survivor and an inspiration and most definitely the good one, I am sure. Take care, brother, and thank you for stopping by….
Zari:)
vince Sanchez
March 30, 2019 at 5:22 amvince Sanchez
March 30, 2019 at 4:55 am
Hi, I am the HUSBAND of a narcissist wife. This information is so correct it just further breaks my heart. I knew my wife was cheating even before we got married, and we married within a year and a half of starting to date. It seems that one of my kids knew/knows of the personality of his mother though she successfully hid her ‘wounded self’ from me for nearly 18 years. Sometimes i feel like im nuts. Othertimes if feel like im so correct in my assessment that the fact that others just don’t seem to be able to comprehend makes me feel even more nuts. I am stable though. luckily my family is still intact; meaning my mother and father are still together and my siblings 5x are there to support. Also, i am grateful for the faith i was taught, beginning with the truth that we all recognize in our hearts/minds otherwise known as our spirit. I am so sad. I miss my wife very very very much. But the truth is i never had a wife given that the promise of marriage is between two people. I now know that she was spreading herself around the entire time. I was loyal, this is in my nature. After her abuses spread to our children, or more appropriately, after i realized and was finally told by my kids about the abuses they were suffering, i decided to ‘push’ her out. I did so by standing my ground one night after she covertly punched me in the eye. This sort of thing only started happening after i found her pictures, the most disturbing a spouse can find of there loved one. Things so against the sanctity you might have believed in that hurt is not a real word anymore. My wife Monique L San is still loved by me very much.. I do mean so very much. But she is not a real person. There is a Wounded Self and a Fake Self at work in her and it took me 18 years to discover this. Since i have i have been punished for every question, every suspicion. Punished to the point of sleeping in the garage having reversed the deadbolt so i could sleep…..sometimes. I still have done all i can to protect my kids; all 6 of them but there came a time when i knew it had to end. This was last Saturday. So i used the situation when she punched me to STAND. She instantly showed her hate for me and i didn’t back down. I told her the TRUTH and she got her necessities and split. Now she is claiming i am an abuser. She did this for so long and i never knew until i gained access to her Instagram posts. She GAVE me access in an attempt to appease my fear so she could covertly continue with her exploits. I looked further back than she expected however and found that she was attempting to ‘Hook Up’ with just about everyone we knew. Her work friends, those we met along the way, MY COUSINS, even my brother is holding something back but at this point i can see right through him. She is meeting mainly with people, men and women, over 60. Im not really sure why. I think it is because she has been amassing money knowing that i would eventually not accept here continued cheating. HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR SPOUSE MAKE AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE, DRIVE DOWN THE ROAD AND PIC UP A MAN OR WOMAN AND THEN DRIVE STRAIGHT TO THE NEAREST AREA WHERE THEY COULD DO WHAT THEY DO FOR 10, 15, 20, 25, or 30 MINUTES AND THEN RETURN HOME WITH THE SMELL ON HER AND IN HER CAR, WHICH YOU BOUGHT HER, AND IMMEDIATELY ASK YOU TO ‘F’ HER? Have you ever seen or felt, or smelled, the ‘Stuff’ of another person running down her legs, or soaked into her panties or just play pouring out of her and STILL ENGAGED with her? I have. THE PAIN IS UNREAL, AND THIS IS WHAT SHE NEEDED EVEN MORE SO THAN SATISFYING, OR ATTEMPTING TO SATISFY, HER HYPERACTIVE SEX DRIVE. SHE NEEDED ME AS COVER….FOR 18 YEARS!!! HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I KNEW RIGHT AWAY. DROPPED A VIDEO CAMERA IN THE BACK SEAR OF HER CAR WHEN WE WERE STILL DATING AND SHE CAME UP WITH REASON TO DRIVEW 50 MILES ROUND TRIP TO A STORE SHE NEVER WENT TO BEFORE AND HASN’T SINCE. YEP YOU GUESSED IT..I HAD TO SHUT LENS COVER BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS OPEN THE LEDs ON THE CAMERA WERE EVIDENT. SOO I ONLY CAUGHT AUDIO. THIS AUDIO PLAINLY REVEALED SEX. I WAS OBLITERATED. THEN SHE SOMEHOW DISTRACTED ME ENOUGH AND FOR LONG ENOUGH THAT I CHALKED IT UP TO ME NOT REALLY KNOWING WHAT WAS TRUE AND WHAT WASNT. This is the CONTROL she has had over me for all of these years. She demanded funds everyday. Never too much, mostly 25 or 50 her and their to just do this or that. Then she started asking for hundreds and not saying why. I gave her the money because at the time i still did not know about all of this. I did quickly realize she wasnt spending it however. I printed a transfer statement about 2 months ago because money started moving out of my account without my knowledge. Transferes and withdrawls…100 here 38 there.. SHE MOCKED ME and called a PU*** a BI*** and everything else a person can call another to make them feel…like not going on. Then she would make something to eat and bring me a plate, usually in the garage where i sat staring without meaning to, just lost in a sort of black hole. She stopped feeding our little ones.. Only tossing a bag of chips at them here and there while she made herself great personal meals. She is a very good cook. I saw all of this but really couldn’t believe it.. It is the strangest, in addition to the most terrible thing to finally realize what your life actually means to THE PERSON. THE PERSON YOU **STILL LOVE** after finding all of this. SHE IS GONE THOUGH. SHE IS THREATENING custody battle now. She didnt want to be a mom when she was here..Told me flat out many times. SHE SCREAMS CUSS WORDS AT ME AND AT THEM ALL THE TIME, like she cant even hear herself. She went to the kids school to give them some money the other day, and she told them to expect her to come for them on Sunday. Since she left i have still sent her love messages. I wanted her to know how much i miss her. What a fool i am. I hope she… I don’t actually have anything to hope for.. What is this? I know but i still don’t understand. Im sorry for my post. I needed someone, just anyone to know what me and my children are surviving. SHE went to a shelter. Im all good with that. My fear is that she is saying that i was the one, you know. She did leave the kids with me though and i think that speaks for itself. I never touched her, not one single time in an aggressive manner. I never even covered up when she struck me again and again, sometimes cutting me in strange patterns on my face with her hands. EVENTUALLY SHE DID THE SAME TO OUR SIX YEAR OLD AND I had to stand. So why am i so empty and she is so happy? What in the world makes a person do things like this? -vince
Bill
March 21, 2019 at 9:10 amThank you so much for your article. I can not begin to tell you the hell I’ve been through at the hands of a beautiful, soft spoken, lady who happens to be the mother of my children. I was told over and over all of the problems that I had and how messed up I was and eventually that I was a Narc. So I spent thousands of dollars on counselling trying to get to the bottom of this and the problem was difficult to address. I work in a highly competitive environment and I’ve had a certain amount of moderate success and I’ve always had some self confidence so it was very easy for me to assume I must be a Narc. I didn’t want that to be how people saw me. Three years after the divorce and four years after the counselling, she filed a lawsuit and made me pay the medical Bill for the treatment during the marriage. I have five kids and I wanted to be perceived as a servant leader, mostly because that is what I wanted to model for them. Years later and after I lost everything, marriage and the children who are completely alienated to me, my reputation and my job. Through the help of a wonderful counselor who I met at church. This whole world was revealed to me. I couldn’t understand why after almost 30 years of a successful career suddenly everything I touched to blew up in my face and I was at one time a very giving loving caring mentor to thousands of young people. I never changed how I treated the kids I worked with BUT….I added my own children to that group. Apparently She didn’t want me having that type of input in the raising of our children.
There isn’t enough room here for me to list everything I’ve been through, but it started with the Silent Treatment private and public, moved into (at least the appearance of affairs) she learned that having the affair was unimportant it was eliciting a response from me that she was looking for. Moved into many manipulations of my children that I was unaware of, then clearing out all of the bank accounts, (she was a stay at home mom so she handled the checking account and I NEVER checked) She then went to work in the school that I worked in, and I was thrilled family was my number one concern. As I look back that’s when my relationships in the building changed. Not my core group of friends that never changed but the peripheral relationships changed and I started to wear a black hat.
Later we divorced and she would always “imply” that there was abuse. If I asked a normal reasonable question about parenting time or finances in person she would walk away and not engage and like a dummy I would follow (until I figured it out) she would have people watching and accuse me of harassing and worse. For three years I would always go to my children’s games with a school official escort, simply for my protection so that no false claims could be made. I then went completely silent and its killing me because its costing me parenting time. I moved five hours away and The accusations keep coming and it’s almost impossible to do anything. I had four of my five kids over to their grandparents house for Christmas we live on different levels of the house, but she has my 14 year old contact family services about what “may” be a inappropriate sexual assault. Ridiculous but her sister is so brainwashed anything but the truth will come out. This is the evil that this woman is willing to inflict upon another human being who just wants to be a good Dad to his kids.