When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
Zari’s on YouTube – Subscribe Today (This video fixed!)
The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
Get Zari’s Book – Change Your Life
You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
vivian
August 29, 2015 at 6:04 pmHi! Zari,
. After being with my narcissistic ex boyfriend for 6 1/2 years, he left me about a month an a half for someone else. He cheated, lied, disrespected me over and over again, I also took him back over and over again. Everything had to be about him, what he want, when he want, how he want, it was pure hell,.i was so unhappy. When I first found out about narcissist, my mouth dropped wild open. I had no idea what I was dealing with, I just knew something just wasn’t right. How can someone treat u so bad, I had no idea I was being that abused. When he left he said I wasn’t into him anymore, I didn’t feed his ego, he said it just wasn’t all about him anymore. I guess the new girlfriend was feeding him everything he needed now. I loved this man, he hurt me so bad. I just keep thinking how can someone be so cruel and selfish and not think of anyone but themselves. He said he was happy now and a better person. He has no drama, so to him I was the drama he created, he blame me for everything. I too sometimes wonder if he realm happy with her, and then again I don’t care. I was her one time and one day she will be me. You are right they do keep coming back, just to fulfill their selfish ego, and leave again. I’m tired and don’t want anymore of his mess. I’m moving on, its not easy, but at the end it will be worth it. I’m so thankful I came across this site, know that I’m not alone. Reading here gave me strength, thanks Zari, u r GOD sent. I also, want to think everyone for sharing, we have to stick together. We deserve better.
Zari Ballard
September 11, 2015 at 5:00 pmVivian wrote...I’m tired and don’t want anymore of his mess. I’m moving on, its not easy, but at the end it will be worth it.
Stay strong, Vivian! I am so sorry that he put you through that. If you ever get a chance, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will see yourself IN IT. When I tried to really work on my own happiness WHILE the relationship was still happening, my ex told me the same thing…that “I wasn’t into him any more.” In fact, he said that it was obvious that I didn’t “love him like I used to”. I talk about this in the book because it was a turning point for me. This was when it dawned on me – FINALLY – that he liked it when I was suffering. The more that I suffered, the more he knew I cared? What a freak! Thirteen years of that nearly put me over the edge.
You are so right – we must all stick together because recovery is a team effort!! I’m so sorry for the delay in responding to your message. I’m trying to catch up. Always know that I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Jenny
September 20, 2015 at 10:23 amHi
It’s uncanny
The ex narc said the same lines to me.. How his life is less stressful and happier now he’s got rid of me. Said the reason he drank heavy was because of me . ( I don’t drink) , said he was suffering depression because of me ( I had a breakdown and tried to kill myself)
Says he’s fitter and eats healthier now?! Says he’s back to normal sex too. ( he’d started after over 6 years together to engage in wanting anal off a man… Tranny interest etc) said that was to satisfy me not him And that I’d encouraged him with his new fetish of wearing women’s underwear! He didn’t touch me in the last year together… He couldn’t ‘ manage’ it! I wonder why?
Anyway much happier without him tho I do miss him still???
m
November 12, 2015 at 7:13 amits NOT easy… you will always be hurt an wonder why, absolutely…
time, love, always being thre for them, an I bet you always got the short end of the stick, like all of us…
I wldnt give him the satisfaction of contacting him…..
work on you read, cry, get bk to you.
nxt guy? believe what thy do, actions
learn from this!!!
hang tight! it comes bk around
jlew
August 25, 2015 at 8:09 amHello..
These idiots eventually will crash and burn.
His first words of pity and to gain my empathy was “I’m so tired”. Now I understand …. he is tired of washing rinsing and repeating. I was just another chore or project that he had to work on to get supply. His days are soon numbered he doesn’t have the energy to maintain his supply. I guess the women won’t be sticking around long moving forward. I told him there’s nothing worst then recycled bullshit. It stinks to hell!
m
November 12, 2015 at 7:06 amamen! it all comes bk around… an yes
a lot of Thyre ‘conquests’ are
RE CYCLED! otherwise Thyre contacts in phone, social media would be deleted
if Thyre truly happy!!!! Thyre not!
games, ego, all abt them always!!!!
hang in! do good for yourself!!!!!
jlew
August 25, 2015 at 8:08 amHis first words of pity and to gain my empathy was “I’m so tired”. Now I understand …. he is tired of washing rinsing and repeating. I was just another chore or project that he had to work on to get supply. His days are soon numbered he doesn’t have the energy to maintain his supply. I guess the women won’t be sticking around long moving forward. I told him there’s nothing worst then recycled bullshit. It stinks to hell!
Sharene
June 20, 2015 at 6:32 amThank you for the enlightenment. I’ve dealt with that narcissist for over 11 months. It’s been 1 week of discard. I’m glad. I found myself checking out his Facebook page, and yes, it’s torture. He has so many beautiful women on there and has more than two pages. He never post pictures of his self. What’s torture is the other girl keeps climbing up the ladder of his harem. All those months he spent close to me, I never was on the top of his Facebook tree. It’s amazing how the women go up and come down. One girl always is on the top and he’s known her for six years. They’re long distance relationship. And out of all his women no one looks like me. They’re mostly light, thick, long hair, very pretty. Anyway, I feel very scarred. I’ve evolved into a real introvert. I’m trying to get over him but I keep wanting to view his Facebook and it always gives me excitement but it hurts too. And the knew girl is so yeah I have a knew boo. And the six year girl, sits on the top. I guess everyone below is dispensable. Letting him in continuously like I did, helped damage me.
Christine
July 7, 2015 at 11:09 amSharene, I hope that you’re not still torturing yourself looking at his Facebook page “harem”. Please just keep in mind that what he put up there is an illusion. Facebook can be a great tool for keeping in touch with friends, but it’s also basically a billboard and self-promotion, which may or may not even be true. I remember one time when I was so envious of a beautiful friend of mine (seriously, she’s done modeling work, she’s that gorgeous). She posted an update about her boyfriend giving her a random gift of flowers and candy. I looked at that and thought, oh, what I would give to be a beautiful girl with a handsome boyfriend, who gives me things like that (I was single at the time). Well, later on I found out directly from her that she actually thought that gift was strange, because it came right after they had a big, ugly fight! Well, it’s not like anyone posts updates like that on there–“just had a big fight with my boyfriend!” And later on I also found out what a control freak he really is, and now I wouldn’t trade places with her for anything (and none of that will you see on her page). I tell that story to say that, to everyone out there, Facebook does NOT give you the full picture of what really goes on behind the scenes, so take it with a grain of salt.
Or better yet, don’t look at it. To me, the fact that the girl at the top of the totem pole is “long distance” shows me his emotional unavailability. Obviously the girl who is long distance will have less demands and expectations of him than a girl who lives close by–won’t have expectations of actually seeing him regularly, etc. She’s also easier to disappear on–he can see lots of women on the side without her ever being the wiser, since she isn’t there. So of course she’s at the top! And for all those other girls, it’s a matter of time before they get the same crap he dished out to you. Narcissists are unable to recognize anyone else’s needs besides their own, so they can’t sustain healthy relationships. Keep your head up and block that page out!
Naturesong
July 27, 2015 at 6:59 pmOMG; this article hits home:) Only my situation happened over 5 years ago. It took a long time to get over, because I am extremely analytical and figured it all had to be my fault. You mentioned Facebook—he used that to hurt me/toy with me so many times, I lost count. He would make it so I couldn’t comment on his page, only “like” comments. Then he made it so I could only see certain things on his page, then he blocked me all together. Every year, he sends me an email: “Hi, just sending you a greeting, as it’s been a long time. I wish you the best”—or something to that effect. So I am blocked on Facebook, but this fool still sends me emails. I ignore them and have tried blocking him from my email account. Some of his friends figured him out and he blames me for them blocking/deleting him. He has told many that if they become friends with me, they should watch out because I am evil and sinister—his words….. After he was done with me, he met someone completely opposite and had this new crowd of friends—-he was a loner previously, except for his family. Now he’s done with her and I would imagine is onto his next target. My question is….do they ever learn? Will he ever wake up sad and lonely? Do they get karma for the hurt they inflict on others? I felt compelled to share my story; I am still learning about this whole narcissist thing and continue to be baffled by it.
m
November 12, 2015 at 6:59 amI hear you we all feel the same abt narcs. Facebook is FAKEBOOK… if peeps are really happy, successful thy wnt put so much time into social media, thyd be living their life…
delete facebook, don’t check it, its
a mirage. as far as guy/girl narc posting new flames? an thy met quickly? moved in etc? red flag just a new supply, period. hard to swallow? yes.
all that glitters isn’t gold, ever.
narc discarded you? give them what thy want, vanish too.
do what you need to heal. you’re own time, your own path.
at least we have the guts to improve, heal towards a decent new relationship a good one! one we all deserve
hang on its alway process…
Zari Ballard
November 14, 2015 at 8:15 pmHi m,
Great advice about deleting FB. It does no good to check on these monsters because ANYBODY’S life can look good on FB. It’s all a creation and those pictures that haunt us represent but ONLY A SPLIT SECOND IN TIME. We know what the truth is behind the charade.
Thanks for sharing!
Zari xo
Emma
June 5, 2015 at 2:09 pmThis has been such a great blog to read. My story is very similar and its like a repeat with all these man.
I must say – my discard was almost pre-planned and calculated to the maxed. I am very impressed to how smart these people are.. I was married and dated for a long time ( 7 years all in). He always cheated and I always took him back. I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it all and I am so mad at myself for doing this to myself.
My ex is now dating the girl he discarded me for (she knew he was married). my issue is now that I am going through the divorce and he is literally trying to punish me for standing up and saying no more. Its making things much more difficult, why wont he just go away and settle? He is not coming back, lies to his family about us, obviously it is all my fault and I wont listen nor talk to him. He has tried many times, but I just dont care – this is what he tells his family. The truth is that he has not tried to do anything, and is not going to leave his new found love for me, so why lie?
I get a text that says I love you, but no action; the following week I get an email saying you mean nothing to me. I respond to neither, but it stills fucks my mind.
I am obviously not over him but I don’t take him back ever…… Its crazy making all of this stuff.
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 12:50 pmHi Emma,
I’m sorry that it has taken so long for me to respond. In a nutshell, your ex is simply trying to keep you in the queue because this is what narcissists do. He knows that a stupid three-word text or email keeps you wondering and thinking and ruminating just as you are doing. Keep in mind that NOTHING a narcissist does is random and none of it for the reasons that you might hope for. And you’re right, your ex is not going to leave his new girl (at least not right now) but that doesn’t mean he can’t string you a long just in case she gets on his nerves or kicks him out or whatever. That’s what its all about so you not responding is the absolute right thing to do!
Stay no contact with him and with his family. Cut all ties that bind and move on with your life. BLOCK HIM from texting and emailing. Unless you do that, he will always have a way to push your buttons and fuck with your head. My books (available for download on Amazon) When Love Is a Lie and Narcissist Free will help you make the right decisions going forward, I promise you. Once you change your perspective of who he is and what he really wants, the task of moving forward is much easier. But first, you must BLOCK HIM right now. It’s is one of the most important and most beneficial decisions you will ever make.
Let me know how you are doing…I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Maxie
May 9, 2015 at 10:40 amHi Zari—This is so very true, since this warped behavior has been honed and tweaked since a very early age. By the time they get to you, you’re in the ring with the Muhamad Ali of emotional abuse and you literally don’t stand a ghost of a chance. After I was heartless discarded by this monster, I couldn’t help think that she must be happy with her new replacement(s)…which by the way, she was grooming all along. Additionally, it’s mindboggling how everything is turned around to make it appear that you’re the bad guy and everything (and I mean everything) is and was your fault. How could this attractive, very successful, highly materialistic, and extremely flirtatious Facebook addict not be happy with her new conquest(s)? One answer was to look at her past relationships, including a dysfunctional marriage: one failed relationship after the next. And, with me as her recent trophy, the beat goes on. I believe the answer is they think they are happy in the next relationship because the prey is fresh. It’s just a matter of time before the new supply gets boring or their victim is hurled into the horror of reality when the mask is removed. I’ll never forget the last thing her Dad said to me when I told him how much I loved his daughter: “Good Luck”.
Thank you for writing a book on the plight of male victims of narcissist abuse. It’s incomprehensible how these pathological parasites can escape responsibility and remorse as they dance into the sunset leaving behind a trail of devastation and destruction. When I read “When Evil is a Pretty Face”, I felt as if you were witnessing my story as it unfolded while I was being systematically brainwashed. Even though I educated myself after that fact, I believe I still would not have been able to leave once I realized the toxic nature of this relationship. The magnetic force is just too powerful (as you well know). I tried leaving on three separate occasions during my eighteen months on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” but would always succumb to her Academy Award winning performances (“best actress in a non-supporting role”). It took being heartlessly discarded to escape this in emotional purgatory but I’m on the path to healing, although it will take some time.
Thank you again!
lizzie
May 7, 2015 at 2:05 amI was in relationship for 10 1/2 yrs with ex. Grew up as kids with him for 20yrs. I always knew something was fishy within the last 2 yrs but my ex convinced me i was the only one, the special only one he needed! Two months ago he broke up with me because i efused to feed his ego and be a slave at home taking care of our 3 kids , 7, and 2 and his grown jobless convicted drug felon dad and be a full time worker. He lied. J found iut twk weeks later the day we broke up he started datin another girl 10yrs younger than me. No wonder some one, totally clueless on how much i do know my ex come on we grew up as kids. Lookin back now my gosh how conditioned i was from the beginning. But he has a new gf. They supposely very happy. She comes from a wealthy family. Its no wonder. And she is very popular. Ego feeder right? Anyhow i dont care. I know the truth is all. Thats what matters. Lol to the poor girl. Unfornately three innocent kids are trapped kn between all of this. I gotten therapy and is finally stronger needless to say im finally strong enough no more tears. There will be days i know but km happier. My poor kids. I hope to god they are okay. Joint custody right now but km fighting for sole custody of the kids. My beautiful babies. But to those in same position, you know the truth. And if years from there is a change then we can all say we really saw pigs flying right? LOL!!!