When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
raks
February 7, 2018 at 7:53 amWhen I was 25 I met my Narc age 35 who was already going through a divorce. 13 years later I am now 38 he cheated on me with a 44 year a woman older than me and I also found out through her that he got the vasectomy after me suffering from a still birth. I found out in NYE 2017 and still trying to get over him. I had to block him from all social media and my phone. with all the crazy shit he has done to me all I feel is numbed. trying my best to move on.
Gisella
January 15, 2018 at 5:45 amI met my ex narc on a dating site 6 years ago. I was attracted instantly to his profile picture. We chatted for 2 weeks before we actually met in person. I did however ask him if the photo of him was recent he said it was 6 months old. (First lie)
The day finally came and I was nervous as hell, I have never met anyone from a dating site before, but I was also excited. I opened the door and there he was looking about 10 years older and larger in size than his photo. I just wanted to vomit.
He definitely wasn’t my type. I thought to myself, just go with the flow, get out of the house, give the man a chance and try have a good night.
We ended up getting along really well. He knew exactly what I wanted to hear. He was a real gentleman. So I decided to put my feelings about him to the side and take a day at a time.
Two years down and we were practically living together. I could see that he had massive insecurity issues and he liked to control me. I didn’t think much of it because before him my ex husband of 28 years was exactly the same, so to me it was familiar. I didn’t let him get away with it all the time, the times I was annoyed by that behaviour he would turn on me and make everything out to be my fault. He would start an argument if he saw me talking to people or on the phone with my children or friends.
I lost all my friends and most of my family members because of him. They all started to see through him except for me.
I continually stuck up for him. Went against everybody that would talk bad about him. I was in love him at this point.
After my father passed away, I noticed this massive change in him. It was almost as though he was grieving. He was continually starting arguments with me. I couldn’t have an opinion and whenever I did he would storm of not be seen or heard from for 2 weeks.
Then the hoovering started, I’d get a msg “Hi, thinking of you, hope you’re well”. I’d feel bad and reply, still unaware what he was up too.
This went on and on for another 3 years. I would get blamed for everything. I was the one always apologising. I was the one that was putting in the effort to make it work. But it made no difference to him.
I then decided to dig a little and came across numerous conversations with woman from 8 different dating sites.
He had been sourcing different prostitute locations. He had been on many dates. Slept with quite a few of these woman. He, had excuse after excuse for not be able to spent time with me anymore. Too busy with work, building my mates car. Can’t leave my 16 year old daughter at home with my dying mother. The list goes on.
He recently told me he was going interstate for work. I found out he was still at home and dating a few different woman.
I asked to talk to him. He said he’d meet up with me. So, when I met him he lied about everything I put in front of him. He bought up things that happened 5 years ago. Twisted the stories to suit himself. Made me look like I was crazy and forgot everything.
He couldn’t look me in the eyes. Lie after lie after lie. He thinks I’m stupid.
This disgusting piece of shit of a man He has never apologised for anything nor has he acknowledged what he has done to me. If I was to write everything that he put me through. I would be here for the next 3 days.
The fact that I wasted another 6 years of my life on an animal that never even loved me to begin with, has destroyed me, my confidence, my self esteem. I won’t be able to trust another man again.
2 failed relationships, both cheated, both narcissists. Great life
I am going to get through this one way or another.
I have picked myself up once before and am determined to do it again.
No one is worth the tears and heart ache.
Good luck to the new victims. I wish them well.
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 11:25 pmHi Gisella,
I apologize for the delay in responding, girl, and I hope you are well. I would have to say that one of the lessons taken from your story would be this: if we open up the door on a first date and the person on the other side makes us want to vomit then it’s a good bet nothing good will ever come of the relationship. You will be able to trust a man again because this douchebag is not representative of all the men out there. Hi bad behavior is pretty awful even for a narc. Look, please update us on your recovery from this nightmare and I can also be reached via the Contact Me page if you want to share privately. I stayed 13 years and some people have stayed even longer. To dwell on that part of it (the self-blame) is never productive. Like you said, you did it before and you can definitely do it again…..life is here for us for one shot only. Have no regrets and just concentrate on going forward…it’s all we can do.
Zari xo
Andrea
December 18, 2017 at 9:14 amWhy do men or narcissist would date a young woman?
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2017 at 5:13 pmHi Andrea,
You wrote in your other post…I know she is just another victim who he is manipulating he cant with a woman his age therefore he has to look for young and naïve.
Girl, you answered your own question:)
Zari:)
Christine
December 18, 2017 at 5:26 pmI second Zari that you already know the answer! I’d also add that the narcissist probably dates young women to try to look “good” to others and pump his own ego–to project a false image that look, he’s such a stud because he can get this much younger woman.
Of course, that’s probably delusional LOL. If anything, I think most 19 year olds would make a 37 year old look old and haggard by comparison. I’ll bet he looks like a fool next to her. If anything, whenever I see a man my age (I’m 38) with a much younger woman, I don’t think that he looks like a stud…I assume she must be after his wallet! For instance, this is an extreme example–but did anyone think Hugh Hefner was some awesome person for marrying a 20-something who could be his granddaughter? No, they laughed at him and thought he was a fool and she was a gold digger.
But, since narcissists don’t have that level of self-awareness, they don’t realize that.
I know it hurts now but let him delude himself, while you move on to find someone who you really connect with. Hey, I was once with a narcissist and am now happily married to someone else (and couldn’t give a flying you-know-what who the narcissist is with now). If I can do it, so can you.
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2017 at 6:12 pmHappy New Year, Christine!….xoxo
deanna smith
February 18, 2018 at 5:47 am“But, since narcissists don’t have that level of self-awareness, they don’t realize that.”
Exactly. I would tell my ex that he looked like a fool bragging to people about his drinking. He is almost 60 and still brags about it. I explain to him what a fool he makes of himself bragging to people about doing something that they can do if they want to. That fact that they do not do it is because they do not care about it and are not impressed by it. And i would just watch the embarrassed looks on their faces as they tried to figure out what to say to it, usually when he was completely lit up. He just could not get that fact through his head-how could anyone not be wowed by me?
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2018 at 5:39 pmHi Deanna
“He just could not get that fact through his head-how could anyone not be wowed by me?”
That is sooooo right!!! LOLOL
Zari xo
Andrea
December 18, 2017 at 9:12 amI am here thinking about my ex even thought as you say I shouldnt give a shit!! because he was shit, I recently found out he is dating a 19year old girl he is 37!! he can be her father I don’t know why I am mad I know I don’t want to be with him but I can’t help it. I know she is just another victim who he is manipulating he cant with a woman his age therefore he has to look for young and naïve.
Ashley
January 1, 2018 at 4:09 pmSame here! My narc is now dating a 22 year old ex-stripper (or so she says) he’s 31. He left me as his wife of 10 years and our 2 children. He went to a new town and started a new life overnight.
Katie
December 12, 2017 at 3:09 amHello Zari, and thank you your most comprehensive insightful posts on this topic.
I married my first husband after a long distance relationship in which I dismissed some “red flags” because I thought I would be criticised for being “oversensitive”/”making a mountain out of a molehill” His job meant he worked away so for the first 4 years we were married I saw very little of him. I asked him to change his job so we could be together more. He did, and that’s when I began to see him for what he really was. He was moody and uncommunicative, prone to “stonewalling”, subtley chipped away at my self-esteem, manipulated me, said hurtful things etc. I realised I din’t know this man at all.
After 2 years I knew I couldn’t take it much longer and told him he would have to change and “step up to the plate”. His response was to start an affair and I divorced him.
Finally, he married his affair partner and they have been together 20 years. Your post says that usually these people don’t change, and I believe that.
However, I am curious to know what it is about her that enables her to stay in that marriage to him without being psychologically destroyed?
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2017 at 1:35 amHi Katie,
Well, I can’t presume to know what’s in her head but I suppose she might be staying BECAUSE she is psychologically destroyed OR she might stay for the same ridiculous reasons I stayed for 13-years and others here have stayed for much, much longer. Each person is different. Maybe they have kids together or maybe she just got complacent or maybe he’s gone enough with work that she can deal with it or maybe he future-fakes and bamboozles her into staying when she threatens to leave or maybe she just lets him do what he wants and looks the other way or, again, maybe she’s too messed up and confused to go anywhere. Who knows? Although we’ve all threatened to leave at various times, not everyone has the guts to leave when they say they will and the more we let the narc get away with, the less motivated we become. Sometimes its easier to look the other way than face the pain and the next thing you know, another year has whizzed by. For you, you obviously did the right thing and I hope you went on to have a happy, peaceful life without him:) Thanks for sharing, sister!
Zari xo
JULIE UDICS
December 3, 2017 at 9:38 pmThis is a wonderful article but i wish i could believe it is true. I spent 22 years with my husband and he left me and came back to me over and over for 16 years. This time Im done because I cant take it anymore. He has been gone since June. He lied and played so many games w me after he left. We are no contact. I have him blocked and the only thing he can do is leave a voicemail. I left that open because we have children. He leaves me a voicemail about once a week. He is with a woman 13 years younger than him and it seems like he loves her so much. Ive read it a thousand times but I just cannot stop my mind from thinking how can he love her and he couldnt love me or his children? Why cant i believe what i read? I wish i could see it all play out and know for sure. How do we stop our minds from thinking about them all the time?
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2017 at 6:45 pmHi Julie,
You said it yourself…he came back to you over and over and over and over for 16 years. The only reason that back and forth has ended is because YOU ended it. At some point, they have to move along. I’m sure there was always someone in the sidelines with whom he was cheating on with YOU, do you know what I mean? As for him appearing happy, how is he supposed to appear? Of course they will appear to be in “love” but the truth is that they love no one…as you said, not even his own children. That’s all you need to know. They adapt for each new person but in the end, it always comes out. All you need to know is what he did to YOU and the children. For you to really think that he LOVES this new person, you would have to think he really is a nice, normal guy who happened to create a bad family who he simply couldn’t love and who now found the love of his life. That’s ridiculous and you know it. He’s the same person. Narcs just move along and they always will. You did the right thing by ending it or else he’d still be lurking around, interfering with your life. YOU put a stop to it and you did the right thing. Wishing you a peaceful and narc-free 2018, sister!
Zari xo
Jill Brostowski
November 29, 2017 at 1:35 amI’ve read a ton on narcissism and this article is the closest to bang on as I’ve seen. The narc and I were married for 24 1/2 years(still waiting on divorce papers 2 1/2 years later) when he told me he was leaving me. I just had a gut feeling there was another woman. I later found out from my son that this was probably not his first affair. He is still with her. She is 15 years younger than him. He said she stroked his ego. He also tried to blame me for him leaving. No apology. I’ve gone 99% no contact. Only emails to do with our teenage daughters. Still recovering but so very thankful that he is no longer in my life. Getting stronger every day. Thank you for this article.
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 4:50 pmYour welcome, Jill, and it sounds as if you are doing everything right. Even as a co-parent, he only deserves 1%. There are several articles on this site about co-parenting which may encourage you further. Have a great holiday…a new year is coming….xo