When learning how to deal with a narcissist, there are really just three steps to follow that will get you to a position of power. As we know, when we’re involved with a narcissist, there is not always the opportunity to just walk away from the relationship…to break up with the narcissist. If we’re involved romantically, of course we know intellectually that we should leave the situation but our heart is powerful and often wins us over. This is why people stay for years with a personality disordered person. If we’re involved professionally and the situation is beneficial to us, obviously we’re not going to just up and walk away from it. If we have to co-parent with a narcissist, then we have no choice – we simply have to deal with it. Given these above situations, there’s only one thing we can do while staying in it so that we do not lose our sanity – and that is to MITIGATE the situation. It’s not easy but – oh yeah – it’s possible.
So here are three keys to remember when having to deal with a narcissist:
- Be confident in the truth that you know. Stop waiting for the narcissist to give you the answers you’ve been waiting to hear because it’s not going to happen. In other words, stop waiting to hear the truth because you already know it and, more importantly, so does the narcissist! When you have confidence in the truth that you know, it doesn’t matter whether the narcissists admits his or her wrong doings because the truth is the truth. This leads to….
- Stop explaining. From the second you “grasp” this point, you don’t have to argue with the narcissist anymore. When you become confident in the truth that you know, you relieve yourself of the burden of ever having to EXPLAIN anything to a narcissist ever again let alone over and over and over. How many times can recall having the same argument with your narcissist literally hundreds of times? Most of our “arguments” involve us trying to explain, for the 100th time, why the narcissist’s behaviors hurt, why what he or she did was wrong and how they need to repent! All the while, the narcissist stands there with his dead stare or cocky smirk, watching us fumble over our words. Did you ever feel better about any of it? No! Once you have confidence in the truth that you know, you simply stop freaking yourself out. By refusing to explain, you are automatically moved into the power position. This goes for texting too. Keep it short and sweet. During any argument with a narcissist, the only have to say two connected little truisms…
- I know the truth and so do you. That’s it! No matter what the narcissist says, that’s all you have to say. He already knows the truth. Remember that a narcissist knows right from wrong, he just doesn’t give a shit. LIMIT YOURSELF to variations on that one sentence and you will WIN every argument every single time by default. If the punishment for you calmly telling him confidently that you both know the truth is a silent treatment, then so be it. Let the training begin!
You have the power to win every time without feeling anxiety or doubt. When I realized this, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t done it sooner. Will the narcissist get annoyed? Of course! But better he or she be annoyed than you feel frustrated and invalidated on what you BOTH already know to be true. Stop explaining and be confident and watch the miracles happen in your own head.
Trinn
March 31, 2019 at 8:07 amGlad you used the word “repent,” Zari.
My covert narc ex-wife apparently thinks she’s going to be the first and only person admitted into Heaven without having to ever repent of sin. It’s breathtaking. She’s got all the Churchianity stuff down pat. She’s a church-aholic now.
But repent? Nah. That’s for other, lesser people.
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:46 amHi Trinn.
lololol….Yeah, without a doubt, there will be a line of narcs at the pearly gates FULLY EXPECTING to get in. It IS a mind-boggling phenomena, isn’t it?? That false sense of entitlement is something else! lol For once, the joke will be on them:) Thanks for stopping by today and making me smile…
Zari:)
Shilla
March 7, 2019 at 2:49 pmHi, I am glad I was able to read this. I think that I am in this situation too. I have tried for years to understand but every time he just pushed me away. Knowing I can never leave him. I love him so much and tried to understand his behavior since I understand where his hurts and pains in the past is coming from. But, every time he has to deal with himself he is actually hurting me and pushing me away as if I am just nothing and not important to him. We have a huge age gap he is older and me of a much younger age. We have a different culture as well and came from a different country. Almost from East to West love story. I grow up with a single parent and with grand parents but in a loving and happy family. I never lack love and attention since they have given me every thing I need since childhood because of what happened to my mom. We are not rich nor poor but they were able to send me in one of the best Universities in the a big City. I married young at the age of 23, 4 years after I graduated college and was separated eventually for almost 5 years now from my ex husband. he already has his own family too. Though we are not officially annulled as we don’t have divorced here but we have our own lives now and are just civil for our only child which happens to lived with his parents. My grandparents are both dead and so is my mom. Basically I am living alone with my friends in a house we rented with each four of us having our own rooms. I have a very good relationship with my daughter which is 11 years old with constant communication and visitation rights.
I met Him when I was separated for a year or so, after that we develop a romantic relationship. I am actually attracted to a much older and matured guy because I find them responsible enough and mature to handle relationship. My ex husband was almost 10 years older than me and not he is more than 30 years older than me.
To cut the long story short we have know each other for 3 years and 8 months now. Then all of a sudden he just ended it all like I really don’t know what I did or have done. He frequently visits me here in my country every 2-3 times a year. And every time we had this simple argument it seems always that it is my fault. He enjoyed annoying me and making me feel bad about myself. I am not perfect, I have my flaws too, but I know myself I have this very huge tolerance of patient and understanding. Now, I really don’t we had this nice and loving relations when he was here last December. I have been loyal and faithful. He knows that. he knows my friends and my colleagues. I value trust as I know He has this “Trust Issues” before and I understand that. I know he has plans to come back by Feb. this year the last conversation we had I thought in his email that he is not coming but then suddenly without telling me. He came back. good thing I have his local number here in my country. Then just all of a sudden when I met him the day after he arrived he just ended it all. But, before that a month earlier he has been avoiding me and stop talking and blocking me off. I really don’t know what to do, I tried everything. Calling him. Going to the hotel waiting for hours and hours. I am absent from my work just to give time to talk to him and all but still he refuses to talk to me and see me. The last time we talk he can’t even see me straight eye to eye. I felt really something is wrong. But, I am so concern of him. For his health and his safety being vulnerable because he has a back problem. My friends kept telling me to stop because they felt hurt seeing me begging and chasing but I am just so concern for him. I sense he is not telling me something or I don’t know it might be just on my mind. God know how much I loved him. Even with our age gap and the impression of some people that I am just after for what he can give. I don’t mind because those are not true. I have a very good and well paid job on one of the biggest company in the world. I don’t need his money or so. If I want to I can get a much better guy but my hearts felt for him. I just can’t. If I haven’t had this much faith I don’t know if I can go through each day without missing him. The sad part is the hotel where he stayed is just too blocks away from my home. Imagine he is already near yet can’t see him. It really hurts and its so sad.
William Mathieu
February 19, 2019 at 7:52 pmHello sweet women. It has been a little while since our last conversation. After reading your post it gave me a smile from ear to ear. I had been unjustly divorced by a narcissist last December and she has already started trying to get back into my life, which has been unsuccessful for her ( this is where my smile comes in ) because of the very same way I confronted her as you mentioned to your readers. I have always enjoyed truth, we can’t run away from it or even debate it. She knows now that I know, but even so, she still tries to hurt me. No problem any more! I have the truth and the truth set me free. For those of you that may read this, let this be known, that Zarri has a good grip on this character person and a big heart for those that have been brutalized by them. Taking this advise from her will set you free to. Thank you for your love Zarri. Your recovering neighbor William
Concerned empath
February 12, 2019 at 6:10 amI think im in trouble. I haven’t been involved long but I have this bad feeling. He’s angry right now, he saidd that I was freaking out. He said he was done with me. I’m worried that help me back. I think I need to be done with the situation get some part of me wants it to be OK. I think I’m in trouble
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 12:51 pmHi Concerned empath, If you think you are in trouble, then YOU ARE. Your intuition is never wrong. The accusation that you are “freaking out” and punishment (the anger) is all a distraction to keep you quiet no matter what you think he is doing. Keep reading and you will see that this is typical behavior. Stay calm and plan an escape from the madness. A narcissist never changes. Blessings to you….xo
Monet McIntyre
February 11, 2019 at 7:21 amThank you .
Im going to put this advise into action ~ & see what happens
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 12:54 pmHi Monet (beautiful name!)….yes, try it. It takes practice but it’s foolproof. Be confident in the truth that you know, stop explaining (because he already knows what he has done!), and only respond with “I know the truth and so do you.” He may get mad and go silent or whatever his punishment may be but this only tells you that you are spot-on. All a narc wants to do is knock you out of the power position. Stay ahead of the game….xo
Monet McIntyre
February 11, 2019 at 7:16 amExcellent advice . Im going to implement that tactic today ~ & see the response I get from my husband / narcissistic psychopath.
This ought to be interesting . In tired of going round & round , arguing with him .
Zari Ballard
February 15, 2019 at 1:19 pmDo it and let me know! The circular argument never ever works and this HALTS IT DEAD IN ITS TRACKS. You watch!
David
January 28, 2019 at 8:45 pmThank you Zari. Your article explains much and has been an important confirmation to me. Engagement with CLA, my ex and her flying monkeys is still unavoidable at church and in court because they are not done yet…even 6 months later. Because of the rapidity of the horrendous discard, literally in one afternoon on church property, it has been hard with CLA. Recognizing that not only her father is covert but she as well, i still find myself struggling with whether he manipulated her or she him. Ultimately it really doesn’t matter. Just getting healthy does. At least I have a way to stream-line my response when future engagements occur. I do know the truth. That I never lost sight of. So its easy to just say. I know the truth and so do you. Thanks again! DM
Zari Ballard
January 31, 2019 at 6:41 pmHi David,
YES, you got it! It’s all about “stream-lining”! I probably should have used that word because that’s exactly what I meant. The three steps I lay out are so you can keep your sanity by keeping it simply without giving up the truth. To simply say “I know the truth and so do you” is 1) the truth, and 2) SO MUCH EASIER on your head than having to explain and convince someone who could care less what you’re saying and loves to see you agitated. I’m so sorry you are still having to deal with this crap and at church to boot. Honestly, I don’t know if going through all that at church would be worth it. Be confident in the truth that you know, my friend! You deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Zari