In relationships, the hoover maneuver is a narcissist’s claim to fame and there’s a simple reason for this: it rarely fails. This is fairly amazing given the fact that a hoover, by its narcissistic definition, is never a good thing and anybody who knows anything about narcissism knows this – including the recipient. Why knowing the consequences of hoovers doesn’t immediately deter a recipient from being a recipient can be credited to the narcissist’s excellent conditioning skills and his/her ability to manage down the recipient’s relationship expectations long before the first break-up and inevitable first hoover ever happens. Not only do recipients expect the hoover, they typically know it’s coming, often wish and even pray for it, and, in some cases, can actually will it to happen by using some backwards voodoo trick of their own creation.
I, for one, knew exactly how to induce a hoover and could often make it happen within 2 – 24 hours of whatever little trick I used to do it. I referred to my process as “smoking him out” and it rarely failed as well. I dare say that I was as good at inducing a hoover as he was at hoovering non-induced. My “smoking-out” tactics would vary depending upon the emotion that was crippling me at the time. If I was pandering to my broken heart, missing him desperately and willing to forget the fact that he vanished without a word if he would just come back, my tactic might be nothing more than delivering a weepy letter (if I knew where he was living) either by friend or by mailman or by me, “cabbing” to his apartment in stealth mode, slipping it under his front door, and then ordering the driver to high-tail it out of there as if we had just robbed a bank. In stealth mode, I’d always take a cab and I expected all cab drivers – whoever they happened to be – to fully participate in the adventure!
The problem with inducing a hoover from a place of sadness, however, is that it didn’t always work. After all, what fun is it for a narcissist to return if there’s no drama involved in the homecoming?? In these instances, I could smoke him out by changing not only the tone of the letter (from weepy to pissed off) but the delivery location as well. As we all know, narcissists hate it when our behaviors threaten to “out” them to the world and therefore I knew that sending a letter to his work (but not addressed to him, know what I mean?) or directly to his mother’s house where I knew she’d get to it first would make his head explode. This tactic prompted instantaneous hoovers if for no other reason than to eliminate the chance of a second letter coming!
Yes, there were times where I was an absolute participant in the narcissist’s hoovering game. Guilty as charged. I was the narcissist’s puppet even when he wasn’t right beside me pulling the strings. He conditioned me to react to his hoover before it even happened! Crazy, I know, but then why did I do it and why do hundreds of other women and men just like me do it too? Why do/did we willfully participate when we know/knew that the feel-good rush never lasts…when we know that the relief from the separation anxiety is merely fleeting (at best) when compared to the painful aftermath of the next sucker punch? Considering that we know exactly what is going to happen next, our behavior makes no sense at all!
My point in all of this is that a narcissist is only as successful as our willingness to participate in his game. When we induce a hoover or wait for a hoover or cry into our pillow wishing it would happen, we enable the narcissist to be a successful narcissist (meaning that we enable him to be as evil as he can be). If we don’t do any of the above…if we ignore the hoover or, better yet, eliminate the possibility of hoovers by blocking him from every angle…if we get on with life and allow his hoover to fall on deaf ears, the narcissist can do nothing other than fall away of his own weight. He literally disappears into the nothingness that he is. It has always been within our power to make him/her powerless! To ignore a hoover or to make it impossible for the narcissist to hoover at all gives US exactly what we’ve always wanted – the last and final word. In other words, we finally get to have closure.
To recover from the pain of this type of relationship, we must avoid lingering connections to the culprit. A hoover, even before it happens, is a connection that we are very reluctant to let go of. Our participation is in the waiting, the hoping, and the wondering of when and if the hoover is going to come. It is our own anticipation of a hoover that allows the narcissist to continue to waste our precious time even while he’s gone. How fucking crazy is that, my friends???
Block the narcissist. Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him or her to contact you via social media, email, text, landline, or cell phone. Change you number if you have to. Once you’ve done this, then whip yourself up a cocktail or two, sit back, and enjoy the fact that you have NOTHING TO WAIT FOR, NOTHING TO WONDER ABOUT, NOTHING TO ANTICIPATE. Appreciate the silence and find your peace. If you are really serious about letting the narcissist go, it’s time to begin taking charge of your recovery. It’s time to relinquish your participation in the hoovering phenomenon. A narcissist can’t hurt you if he can’t hoover!
Maria
May 11, 2015 at 2:54 pmHi,
I went no contact from my narc 7 weeks ago.
Do you think this events below is hoovering? :
4 month ago I met one of his friends, NF (NarcFriend), over dinner together with my N. At that dinner I promised to help NF with some work related problems he had. I am very experienced in this area.
2 weeks after no contact, NF contacts me about this help I promised him months ago. I felt that I had to help him since I promised. From that day NF has contacted me either by email, phone or sms asking random questions, telling me about his projects, asking me what I am doing etc. He doesn’t mention N at all, and neither am I. This feels very strange to me.
Another thing that has happened is that N was signing up for an event on facebook that I was already attending. And he knew that, this was MY hobby, MY friends etc, he didn’t know anyone there. And he knew I always went to this events. Of course he never showed up… Only reason I know he was coming is because one of my frinds told me, I had unfollowed him on facebook and have not been on his page or instagram since first day of no contact. (But he doesn’t know that I never look at his page anymore, we are still friends on fb)
The most strange things is that I have started to get friend requests from strangers. Some with no or only one friend, newly started accounts.
The last friend request was special, created in the middle of the night, with no friends or information, only the profile picture that made me wonder if this was N’s doing? The profile picture was this: http://s661.photobucket.com/user/Composer/media/naruto-and-sasuke-head-to-head.jpg.html
My gut tells me it is, but of course it feels unreal that he would do such a thing, and why?
It could be spam also.
Gayle
May 27, 2015 at 3:58 pmOf course it is, the N is sneaky.
My ex, since getting the restraining order and telling the court that I am a monster, has shown up at my house an average of 4 times a week. The N walks right in if my door is unlocked (never unlocked anymore). The N asks me to cook dinner, make tea, etc.
I finally told the N that I tried but I can’t forgive. Since then, the N has threatened to call the police for violating the restraining order when I “allowed” the N to enter my home…
My life is in ruins all because I loved an N.
They are sneaky, make no mistake, they could not put up such a good show to the world if they weren’t cold, calculating and sneaky.
Don’t accept any weird friend requests.
khai
May 11, 2015 at 10:21 amZari how do I deal with a situation where the N is the father of my child? She 3 and lives with me. I desperately want no contact. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of calling him or texting him. But I don’t have that option. How do I maintain my sanity and ensure that he knows he means nothing to me?
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 9:21 pmHi Khai,
Thank you for writing and I have to say, co-parenting with a narcissist is one of the most difficult things in the world. I am working on a book about this very thing and hope to have it out in the next couple of months. In the meantime, here is an article about co-parenting that may help and my book Narcissist Free (downloadable from Amazon) has a lengthy chapter that goes into detail about detachment and indifference (both being the key to co-parenting survival).
In fact, in the comment section after the article on co-parenting, you will find story upon story from others just like yourself as well as my responses to their letters. This will be very helpful. The key to dealing with these idiots is to show no emotion whatsoever no matter what they do. It takes practice but it does train them to back off. Eventually, a narcissist will always dig their own parental grave and either disappear or begin to exhibit the same behaviors to the child as they did to you as a partner. It’s awful and the best thing you can do is prepare for it and just be the best mom you can be, allowing him to have no affect over your life. All communication must be kept to a minimum and show no fear. It is very difficult but if you stay focused, miracles will happen for you. You have to commit to taking your power back silently for your own sanity.
Please read the article, the comments and stories below it, and my book if you can. The more you read, the more empowered you will get. And I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
feefee
May 11, 2015 at 10:16 amIts week 4 and I’ve just realised that I’ve been almost literally holding my breath waiting for the hover or comeback. In other words, I’ve been sitting here wasting time waiting on this POS to come back and screw me up even more. Well, no more. You see, the advantage I have is knowing what he is and what I’m dealing with. Thanks for his article.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 9:11 pmHi FeeFee,
More power to you for knowing what’s up! Rock on, girl, and stay strong:)
Zari xo
Christine
May 5, 2015 at 12:16 amHmmph block this fool! I especially hate that he mentions dating other women in the same breadth as wanting to supposedly be “friends”. In other words, he wants to give you front row tickets to see his next girlfriends get the idealization/wooing phase that he’ll never give you again. Definitely pass on that show. A normal, healthy man moves on when a relationship doesn’t work out–but doesn’t feel the need to parade a new love in front of an ex and rub her nose in it either. Unless there is something really important I’d even let the items go, to not give him any foothold whatsoever back into my life. There is absolutely nothing positive this guy can add to your life and your time is better spent with REAL friends. As the cliche goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
Amanda Stone
March 27, 2015 at 7:55 amHi Zahri
You helped me in the past regarding the reverse hoover and I understand the “push and pull” techniques a little better now. I have now been apart from my narc for 4 months but for some reason I felt able to meet him for a half hour coffee this week. It was all really pleasant , we stayed on neutral ground and talked about little things and I actually felt quite relaxed. We agreed to meet up one evening this week and I suggested that I would get us tickets to see some comedy, he agreed. When we said goodbye I thought that it had been quite pleasant and easy to see him again. Then I texted him later and said I got the tickets. I received an email to state that it looked as if I was getting on with life fine without him (who would have thought) and that he had decided we must go our separate ways and not contact each other again. I challenged him and asked why he let me get the tickets. “ah well” he says, “that is typical of you, you mentioned something as you were walking out of the door and I didn’t have a chance to say no”. This is completely not true – we had a discussion about what we were going to do whilst we were still sat having our coffee.
We had a phone conversation where he started to say “well I could do with a laugh so maybe we should go” only to then spend two days sending me text messages about how he had told me repeatedly that he did not want to be with me (I never offered to him that I wanted to be with him but just said it was nice we could be close )he told me how controlling I was and how he was “nothing more than a kind and loving man who was being controlled by a manipulative woman”
It is so hurtful and I feel as if I am back to square one with a determination to prove my worth to him , he said several times in his text messages that he wanted to know what guarantees I could offer that if we got back together we would not end up in the same situation. What guarantees could I offer when it was always him that created the drama. The hoover is bad bad bad. It hurts and it sets you back. It is one of their most evil tricks in the toy box they carry with them. I have wasted another week of my life in anxiety and misery at trying to prove I am a good person……
Zari Ballard
March 29, 2015 at 1:35 pmAmanda describes the hoover....It is one of their most evil tricks in the toy box Girl, I LOVE that description so much that I just may use that for my next article!
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for writing again and I’m sorry you are going through this. Whether they hoover us or we do it in reverse, it still sucks the same but the difference is that we have a whole lot of control over the latter. And YES it is – by far – one of the most evil tricks in the narcissist’s toy box (love that!). The only thing right up there with the hoover is the silent treatment and they are both emotional cripplers. The key, Amanda, is to get right back up and keep going. Look at this recent interaction as just VERIFICATION for you that this guy STILL IS (and obviously always will be) the douchebag you always knew he was. Look at it from the perspective of you just wanting to be sure if he was really the manipulative pathological liar you remembered him to be and…DAMN, he sure was!!! Now that that’s confirmed, just move along as if it didn’t change a thing…because it really didn’t. He’s still a narcissist and you’re still the strong and wonderful person you were before the hoover. How dare he ask YOU for guarantees??? How so typically ludicrous a narcissistic request!
You are not back at square one, I promise you…it only feels that way. Breaking no contact isn’t the end of the world, it’s just the end of no contact and it’s only temporary. Be thankful that you dodged the bullet for the final time. And as soon as you want to be, you can be right back in control. Block him from texting and calling you – immediately! That should be priority #1. Delete his number. Delete the texts. Wipe your own slate clean….it was just a bad dream, girl, and it will fade quickly like a bad dream too if you just allow it. Now that you’re awake, smile and get on with your life. This time should – and it will – be easier than all the others. Pick right up where you left off because YOU are not – and never have been – the problem. Start today….
Stay strong, keep me updated, and write anytime! It was great to hear from you…:)
Zari xo
Amanda Stone
March 29, 2015 at 2:06 pmthank you Zari, your support is so appreciated and feel free to use the “toy box” ;0)
Onwards and upwards. Although it feels awful and lonely to be going through this, I clearly remember how lonely and awful it was being with him. I understand that what he did last week was the first time I could identify his raging jealousy and hatred for me. I looked ok, had my hair cut and coloured, new outfit, lots of things going on with my life and he just could not allow that to be the case. He had to emotionally stab me through the heart again in order to bring me back down to the earth he created for me – down trodden, doubting myself and sobbing at the lose of him. I remember that he 18 months ago, after 3 months apart, he got back with me when he saw a photo of me looking dressed up on new years eve. He frequently told me over the ensuing months how I had “tricked him back ” with a photo?????
I guess I understand now what he meant when he said this – that I am not meant to look ok or happy and if I do he will come along and destroy me again.
Zari Ballard
March 29, 2015 at 4:04 pmHi Amanda,
Yup, that’s what he meant alright. You being happy is not an option for him so if he sees it and has a chance to wreck it, he’s going for it. All you can do from here on is make sure he never gets that opportunity again. We can just do the best that we can…one day at a time, one step at a time:)
Stay strong, girlfriend!
Zari xo
Name Withheld
March 25, 2015 at 9:23 pmOk, so, I just want this out there in hopes that I can save someone else.
I was married to an N for 4 years. The relationship started out amazing. I fell in love in just a short time. Later, the N. told me that she made me fall in love with her. (ummm, yep).
Right before we got married, during our engagement party, the N got angry with me and left me at the restaurant / bar (after we had been celebrating for hours). I got a ride home with an old school friend that night. I had been drinking and my perception was off, I didn’t know he was drunk. He got pulled over and took off from the stop. We were chased by the police and eventually we hit a tree. My friend died and I was sent, via helicopter, to the nearest city hospital where I could be treated. I ended up being in the hospital for a week. The N came to the hospital the next day (of course I wouldn’t leave you here alone). I have terrible scars on my face and other places from the accident and subsequent surgeries.
During the time I was recovering at the N’s house, the N kicked me out once and also would not allow my 16 year old son at her house. I couldn’t go home and ended up giving up the rental.
In July of that year, the N and I got married. After we were married, the N told me that my son could not live with us. I rented another place for my son but the N went to the landlord and told him that my son was there by himself. I ended up sneaking another place for him.
In November of the same year we got married, I was diagnosed with trauma induced Graves Disease (I had it when I was younger and the accident caused it to come back). I was still affected by the accident and had Graves Disease on top of it. One day, the N kept harping on me and harping on me. I left my store (I owned a store) and went home but the N would not stop. I ended up breaking all of my dishes. The N proceeded to get a restraining order against me. That was so easy that she ended up filing six more times – all except the last time she dropped the restraining orders and asking me to come back.
We bought a home together in 2011. We moved in and everything was OK until New Years Eve when she wouldn’t go out with me and I guess the TV was too loud because she called the police. Of course, they told me that they would make me leave so I just went to bed.
Shortly after that we bought another home. She stole money from my clients account via checks written to herself) to pay for the down payment. Of course, the house was in her name only but she insisted it was our home.
After more restraining orders and more nights that I slept in my car, the police came after the money. They, of course, looked at me. The N told me that I could fight it or plead guilty and either way she wouldn’t leave me.
The N filed for divorce in June and changed it to a separation in the late part of the summer. I pled guilty (to protect the N) in September. In October, the N changed it from a separation back to a divorce but never told me and never mailed the court notices to me.
In December I walked into the court room thinking it was a separation, it was a divorce. That night, at our home that we shared, the N kissed me and said “now we can start over” then proceeded to ask me to sleep in our room with her. I said no.
The day after the divorce the N got a restraining order (surprise) to get me out of the house. I won that restraining order. As soon as the N knew that I won the first restraining order, the N made a deal to give my puppy to someone in exchange for this person lying in court. Well, the person lied and said I hit the N. To appreciate this a bit more, the N weighs 240 pounds, I am more than 100 pounds less than the N. I have a hip that was shattered into many pieces and fused back together. I cannot have any force against my hip or I am on crutches or in a wheelchair. The person and her boyfriend said that three of them pushed me out of the house after I supposedly hit the N. Of course, nobody could tell what I was wearing and nobody got the story straight as to where anyone else was during this so called assault… but they won. The person has my puppy and even though it is court ordered that the puppy is mine, the little person won’t give my puppy back to me.
So, recently, the N started calling me. Would call me every single day and night. During our last call, the N asked me to sign my puppy over to her…. the puppy that was given away and I have a court order to retrieve although the person refused to follow the court order. When I said no, the N told me that she will no longer talk to me because she is going to court against me with the person that has the stolen puppy.
Of course, the ex already had someone. An LDR in Puerto Rico.
7 bogus restraining orders….. all but the last one dropped
5 or more nights I slept in my car after being physically kicked out (aside from the restraining order)
Hovering and trying to talk to me again, over and over and over, just to pull the silent treatment when she couldn’t get her way.
There is a recording that I gave to the police that states if I got the house she would burn it down with us in it.
I have at least 4 emails to the chief of police asking him to help me.
AND BECAUSE SHE IS FRIENDS WITH MANY COPS, I GOT NO HELP.
I can’t do this anymore. I just wanted to put my story on the internet in hopes that someone can learn from this and leave a horrible relationship.
And the best part? I received a text today starting “you will never do this to me again”.
Nope, lol… I won’t.
Rose
March 23, 2015 at 10:35 pmI am so amazed reading all the stories, how many of these guys are out there. I dated mine just 1.5 years (after ignoring all signs to get out) and when I asked him who was his longest relationship besides a 10 year one, he said me. But, I found out after 1 year he was 10 years older than I thought, there were 2 marriage licenses that he never mentioned so who knows what else he lied about. We have been NC for 9 days now. Longest silent treatment was 3 weeks but I thought we were over. I don’t expect he will hover or try to come back. He used to tell stories of not calling other women back. Our argument reached a new level so I do believe it is final. As usual, the argument was nothing important and about a comment I made about one of his friends current girlfriend. He went off on me and said they could sue me for slander (WHAT?). But ironically he will go tell everyone how cruel I am (his friends all like me and I think he wasn’t expecting them to like me that much) and twist my words around so they do sound horrible, without thinking as he threatened me, I could sue him. I know it was just a mean threat meant to scare me. I do slightly expect him to show up with a few things he still has and when I don’t open the door turn it into how he was trying to be nice
I do wonder if his friends will actually believe the lies about me or will it make him look crazy. He has told them how I cook for him and even sent desserts to them at work, run numerous errands, decorated his new apartment, encourage him weekly to do cardio to get his blood pressure down. Before now, he never had a legit reason for us to split up so when he did go off on a rant and accompanying silent treatment, he probably thought if he said we had split they would question his sanity. I on the other hand had many reasons but made the mistake thinking he would eventually stop misinterpreting my words.
I hope this is the last day I obsess over this. I have come to realize that it wasn’t real love he had for me. If we were to keep dating, I would always have anxiety anticipating the next tantrum.
Rose
April 29, 2015 at 11:24 amIt’s been a little over 6 weeks of NC and he did just as I suspected. He text’d me and asked if I wanted a few items back that were at his house. I knew those were still there and had already decided to not reply. NC was worth more than anything he still has. The strange thing though was that he did not offer everything. I don’t know if he was setting me up to reply by stating I wanted the other things or saving that for future contact. But even more strange was that he ended the text by stating if I did not want the items, no need to reply. Still controlling I guess.
This breakup is so different from any other. I fantasize on exposing his behavior or pointing out the very things he accuses me of is what he has done. I know that would both serve no purpose and cause more bad behavior from him. I swap back and forth between hating him and the real mentally ill person (and feeling sorry for whatever past created this in him) and remembering how good some times were even though I know this wasn’t his true self. There were far more bad times than good if you don’t count the times I bite my tongue to prevent confrontation. Had the subject been important, I would have spoken up but they were always petty. I also can’t believe he doesn’t look around and is constantly reminded of things I did that made his life better. I realize this wasn’t by accident – it was his intention with me. I served my purpose. I guess with normal relationships, there is a gradual deterioration and you condition yourself to get over it but with a NPD, there are bouts of ideal sprinkled in there and it goes from extreme low to an occasional high. And the constant nagging feeling to prove to them that you are not the bad person he accuses you of being instead of us requiring him to prove he isn’t the bad person he is. We overlook his bad behavior so we don’t create another episode.
I continue to see the light by reading what’s out there and see others stories and replies.
Thanks!
Rose
May 2, 2015 at 7:05 amOvernight he sent me a long “good-bye” email. Told me how wonderful, etc. I was. I was the first real relationship he had since his fiancé died and thanked me for being able to realize he can move on. He is thanking me now for getting him over his fear so he can start dating again!!! This is of course a totally different conversation from the last where he said his friend’s girlfriend was more important than me, and I am a hypocrite and liar. He also hopes we can be CIVIL if we run into each other. WTF?? If he would have behaved civil before, we may still be together. So no apology for his behavior, name calling or even mention it. He still wants to return items but will respect my indication that I do not want to talk or see him (my NC on all attempts) so he will send someone else. I can’t wait to see how that goes down!
I do hate that it ended so badly that I can’t even be friends or have good memories. I certainly do not want to see his next girlfriends. He is passive aggressive and will constantly throw insults and digs my way. He keeps bringing up that I don’t want to be friends. I know that is just an attempt to keep me on the side.
Continue hope to all going through this!
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2015 at 12:08 pmHi Rose,
Block this jerk so he can’t email you. There is no reason why he should be able to have avenues of contacting you. As you know, he only wants to “be friends” so that the door remains open for him to hurt you all over again (even in friendship mode) AND so that you never get a chance to move on. And, of course, we know that the narcissist was NEVER our friend then so it can never be that way now – or ever.
Block him!!! He shouldn’t be able to call OR email OR text or any of that. If you don’t do this, he will continue to buzz around, creating confusion and rendering doubts where there shouldn’t be any. You won’t even know he’s gotten to you until it’s too late. Block!!! Delete!!!
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 6:43 pmRose wrote…I guess with normal relationships, there is a gradual deterioration and you condition yourself to get over it but with a NPD, there are bouts of ideal sprinkled in there and it goes from extreme low to an occasional high. And the constant nagging feeling to prove to them that you are not the bad person he accuses you of being instead of us requiring him to prove he isn’t the bad person he is. We overlook his bad behavior so we don’t create another episode.
Hi Rose,
Yes, it sure sounds as if he was hoovering and I expected as much (as you did). I hope that you haven’t responded because it would only create another scenario for him to control and we both know it would be back down the rabbit hole. Please block him from being able to contact you in any way. I know it’s hard to do that but it is the only way to fully separate ourselves from the “waiting game”. As long as an avenue to communicate is open, you will be waiting even if you are not aware of it and feel as if you’ve moved on. Knowing that he can’t shoot off a hoover text whenever he feels like it (to see if you’re still in the queue) is very freeing, girlfriend. We must cut all the ties that bind!!
Stay strong and please do keep me updated. It might take me awhile but I will respond:)
Zari xo