When the narcissist is confronted with a lie, he will instantly create plausible deniability so that doubt is cast on the very facts/evidence laid out before him (or her!). Within seconds, a narcissist can spin a story to cover a story to cover a story, intentionally confusing the accusing partner who has typically taken great pains to present evidence that couldn’t possibility be denied. It’s amazing how they do it and it’s even more amazing how we fall for it or accept the lie that covers the lie. But this is how the narcissist gets a free pass in everything he or she does.
Plausible deniability is what makes us look the other way, give this person another chance, give the benefit of the doubt. With just enough plausible deniability in a story, a narcissist can get away with murder while holding the bloody knife! This is truly a talent because the narcissist, as busy as he is day to day, must always be ready to create a story on the fly to cover the initial story that he spun to perpetuate the lie – but he does it and he does it well! What do you mean you saw a naked girl running out the back door this morning? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Was my car here? No! What do you think – that I parked it down the street? Yeah, right! I went to work early…call my boss…go ahead do it. Unless you have pictures, you better fucking back off. Somethings wrong with you. And unless you DO have those pictures, what the fuck are you going to do? It doesn’t matter that you saw it with your own eyes!! It doesn’t matter that you chased her down the street!! His car WASN’T there (how convenient!) and you better shut the fuck up! Yes, plausible deniability is an amazing thing.
I really started thinking about this particular narcissistic maneuver yesterday after receiving a heart-breaking comment from a woman who is going through hell right now and happened to stumble across my book. Her descriptions of her narcissistic husband’s crazy-making behavior, the silent treatments, and her manipulation-induced reactions were a chilling reminder of how often I dealt with the same crap no matter how many facts I laid out before my ex. The standard response was always to deny, deny, deny or to completely ignore – and then distract from – the obvious truth by shifting the blame onto me somehow until he had me begging to be forgiven for confronting him. How crazy is that?
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To create plausible deniability is a narcissist’s tactic – a defense mechanism – for automatically kicking back the insinuation that he would even ever consider doing whatever it is you’re accusing him of doing. It matters not that evidence of his betrayal is front and center. Evidence and fact mean absolutely nothing. Evidence, in fact, will piss him off.
What are you talking about? You’re delusional.
That’s right..just keeping bring up the past!
Now you’re just making shit up. I think you’re bi-polar.
Now I know why nobody likes you. You’re a liar!
I think you need to get professional help. You’re paranoid.
Oh…and let’s not forget the silent stare (which says all of the above and more).
The words used by narcissistic partners appear so amazingly similar and universal because narcissism stems from an ideology that runs very deep…an one-way ideology that spawns the pathological relationship agenda that I talk about in my books. This particular manipulation is so nefarious and passive-aggressive that it is often referred to as covert narcissism. And, yes, it most certainly does appear many times to be a covert operation, doesn’t it?
Because it is extremely hard for someone normal to fathom thinking in the capacity that it always appears a narcissist is thinking, we choose, instead, to “sort of” believe the lie. Sometimes the narcissist’s lie is so ludicrous that it’s even easier to “let it go” rather than imagine that he really meant to do what you think he’s done. We bargain with logic. Sometimes we’ll let the evidence go in lieu of confronting him at all lest we take the risk of stumbling around trying to get our words right. We develop that crippling codependency to hope that does nothing but get us into trouble. The N, of course, is hip to all of this and counts on our confusion – and his own absurdity – as his free pass to do just about anything he pleases during the relationship and get away with it. We start to count on the plausible deniability ourselves so that we don’t have to deal with it after all!
I mean, it’s not as if we’ve never tried to get the truth out of the narcissist, right? And when we do dare to attempt it? Well, here’s an anecdote from my own relationship archive that describes what happens:
[One time, way back, I was driving my car with the N in the passenger seat and I, for whatever reason, felt triggered into bringing up a still-unresolved situation where I knew for a fact he had lied to me. I wanted the truth and I wanted it right then but he would have none of it. The loud and very heated conversation (that I’m sure many of you will find familiar) went something like this:
Me: (screaming) What about that?? Tell me the fucking truth! Why did you disappear?? Where did you go??? Why did you do that to me??
W: I already told you.
Me: Told me what? No, no, no…what you told me a lie. You vanish for two solid weeks and then text me with a frigging lie about flying back east to see your dad?? I SAW your truck in town and I want the truth!
W: (very calm) Wow…you’re not well…what is your problem? What brought all this on?
Me: Answer the question! I saw your truck…I checked the airlines. You didn’t GO ANYWHERE. Don’t you get it? DON’T YOU GET IT???
W: (talking over me) There is something wrong with you. I’m sick of this shit. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.
Me: Don’t try to twist this around. Just tell me the truth. For once, tell me the fucking truth. Where were you those two weeks? Do you have PICTURES of your trip? A boarding pass? ANYTHING?
W: Oh my God, just shut the fuck up.
Me: No, you don’t. You just expect me to believe a ridiculous, stupid story. You don’t even own a suitcase! You’re not going to tell me, are you? I just have to let it go, is that it?? Is that my only option to everything??
W: (screaming) I SAID I TOLD YOU ALREADY! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?
Me: What?? That you went back east?
W: YES!!
Me: But IT’S A LIE!! I saw your truck and Chris saw you!
W: Really now? Did Chris see me with someone?
Me: No, but that’s not –
W: See?? What more do you want from me? Shut THE FUCK UP!!!
Me: Stop telling me to shut up! The fact is that YOU WEREN’T AT YOUR APARTMENT FOR TWO WEEKS!! You were somewhere with SOMEONE, now tell me the truth!
W: I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS!
Me: Stop lying! Oh my God, I’m begging you to STOP LYING.
W: You’re just a bitch. You never believe anything I say anyway, so what’s the point?
Me: (sobbing) Please…the truth. Just tell me the truth.
W: That’s it. I’m done. Let me out of this car!
Me: It never ends…oh my God…
W: Yeah, tell me about it. You must really, really hate me. I am so sick of this.
Me: Over and over and over….please…
W: That’s right…just keep bringing up the past…
Me: The past? How can you say that? We’re talking about last month!
W: We were having a great day and you just had to fuck it up, didn’t you? That’s what happened here so don’t try to blame it on me. No wonder everyone thinks you’re a bully.
Me: A bully?! Who’s everyone?? Name someone!
W: See? This is what I mean.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? That’s a distraction! I know what you’re doing…
W: Oh yeah, I forgot…you know everything. You’re just so much smarter than everyone else. Tell me, how does it feel to be so smart?
Me: Oh my God…you are so mean. Please stop.
W: Stop what? I didn’t start this. You did, you moron!
Me: (sobbing)
W: Yeah, it’s always my fault. If I’m so bad, then what the fuck are you with me for?!
Me: All I wanted was the truth. I don’t even know.
W: Yeah, well, that makes two of us. You better just take me fucking home before I lose it.]
Sound familiar? I have a name for this type of manipulation – the distraction reaction – and if it wasn’t so despicable, it would be actually very funny. We’ve all been there and I’m sure most would agree that the above conversation describes, more or less, one of the more fairly common manipulative, word-twisting narcissistic scenarios that occur whenever we dare to request the truth. And, although it’s exhausting for us, for the N, it’s just business as usual. The narcissist enjoys The Lie so much that he’ll lie even when the truth is a better story.
Yes, I remember it well…the stuff nightmares are made of. It is these types of conversations that should remind us how just how sacred No Contact really is…how beautiful and calming is that lovely sound of silence.
Repost Update
Shoshannah
November 19, 2015 at 1:55 pmI was calling my XN out on his bullshit behavior for the 2 last months we were seeing each other. 2 months of such conversations. He would either ignore my confrontations, or gaslight me, he would give me a different explanation (often contradictory to the previous one) each time I brought the same subject, he would subtly change the topic and talk about something else.
For example,
ME: How come you were proposing to me and at the same time grooming another girl behind my back? My relationship with my fiance is almost destroyed, you have never thought about that?
R: I have never proposed to you, it was a purely theoretical conversation about my idea of a marriage (WTF?) You misunderstood something,
Two weeks later
ME: I didn’t misunderstand anything, but that’s fine, you had a right to change your mind.
R: concerned stare (apparently, he did want to marry me, but he didn’t know what to say about the other girl, so now he was concerned that I assumed that he just changed his mind).
One month later, again:
ME: Okay, maybe it was not a ‘proposal’, but at least a suggestion.
R: No… it was a theoretical conversation.
ME: Even if it were theoretical, you are not stupid, you must have been aware of the ambiguity. So that was a manipulation.
R: It was no manipulation. I wanted to talk to someone about my vision of a marriage and I thought I could talk about it to you.
ME: (hopelessly laughing at that stage) You talked about marriage for a couple of hours and then asked ‘who do you want me to be for you?’ So how was I supposed to understand this question.
R: Well yes… I did meant it… but it didn’t mean we are exclusive.
Whatever. After finding out about the other girl I finally told him I prefer to be his secret lover than his partner anyway (I knew something is too off with him, but I was naive enough to think that we can be friends with benefits regardless), so it doesn’t really matter what he meant by his proposal.
Another example
ME: How could you do that to this girl, she was your student. This is sexual harassment.
He left the pub immediately, leaving me with a whole pint of my beer and gave me a few hours long silent treatment.
After those few hours
ME: I am sorry, I told you I am over sensitive to the subject of harassment. But that’s what she told me.
R: Okay, well, what I did had nothing to do with our personal relationship with that girl and everything to do with her poor work.
ME: See, if you weren’t hitting on your students, there would be no such misunderstandings.
R: I have never been hitting on you when you were my student.
Whatever. First of all, he was hitting on me when I was his student. Second, we weren’t talking about me, but about a different girl. But I just gave up.
In addition to gaslighting, stonewalling etc., he would often bring it up that I constantly attack him (I admit I was quite confronting, but that was because I was so confused I just wanted to know where I stand… and maybe hear an apology. I’m sure we’ve all been there) and compare me to his friends (triangulation and so called psychopathic comparisons) who do not attack him. For example, if I asked him out, he would say ‘I already have plans for tonight (of course, our dates were only on his terms, not even once I succeeded with inviting him somewhere) and moreover, these are plans with people who do not attack me all the time’.
Finally, one night when the chaos reached its apogee I lost it. I did attack him, kind of, in front of other people (most importantly, in front of a girl that as I now know he was interested in). I started to mock his, so to speak, sexual habits, saying that he sleeps with anyone in town, that he has hurt me because of that, because my relationship with my fiance has fallen apart and finally I said that I never want to see him again.
Huge injury. We’re now on month 6 of a silent treatment for which I am grateful.
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2015 at 1:56 pmHi Shoshannah,
Girl, when I read this:
For example,
ME: How come you were proposing to me and at the same time grooming another girl behind my back? My relationship with my fiance is almost destroyed, you have never thought about that?
R: I have never proposed to you, it was a purely theoretical conversation about my idea of a marriage (WTF?) You misunderstood something,
Two weeks later
ME: I didn’t misunderstand anything, but that’s fine, you had a right to change your mind.
R: concerned stare (apparently, he did want to marry me, but he didn’t know what to say about the other girl, so now he was concerned that I assumed that he just changed his mind).
I laughed right out loud! That is frigging hilarious and so, so typical of the word garbage and, lacking that, the STARE of the narcissistic abuser. Thank you for sharing all of it and then some. You are spot-on!
Zari xo
Samantha outlaw
September 18, 2015 at 12:18 pmI have been reading about narricist for a year or so now as I believe my partner of 10 years is a narricist … all areas of this sight make me nod my head in agreement… I have children with this man …He a abandoned me N children many times when I really need ed his support… I suspect he has cheated on me a number of times but have no real proof…I want to leave him for me and my children as it’s not a healthy relationship …maybe I’m weak ..sometimes he’s ok and will help with kids … but our relationship is very unbalanced and I feel like I’m losing my mind …If I knew for definate he’s cheated I would defo leave ..wouldn’t I ?? I deserve to be loved…. why do I let this go on and on …help????
Zari Ballard
September 29, 2015 at 12:38 amHi Samantha Outlaw (awesome name!!!),
Yes, you deserve to be loved, my sister, and I’ll tell you what…if you wait to “catch him” cheating to leave, you’re in it for the long haul. VERY RARELY are they ever caught and, believe me, they ALL cheat. You’re gut instinct has always been right…all those times that you suspected his infidelity were spot-on. We’re not talking about the typical asshole here; in fact, we’re not even talking about the typical cheater (and you know it). Narcissists are different and this is why a search for answers to the mind-boggling behaviors of these jerks leads to websites like mine. The deal is this though: narcissists can never be fixed – not with love, not with therapy, and not with any magic pill. It hurts to accept this but it’s your answer.
If you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will open your eyes and empower you. I guarantee you will see yourself in my story. You deserve to be happy and only you can make it happen…
Stay strong…I’m here to support you…
Zari xo
Broken Woman
November 1, 2015 at 10:03 pmI’m so happy to find out I’m not crazy. I’ve been with a N alcoholic for 7 hard years. I find myself trying to help fix him. Accepting infedelities, blaming, badgering and verbal abuse. I found on his phone many pictures of naked women and I spotted him in the mirror ( my only piece of sanity) in one photo. He still denies it and tells me I’m making these stories up in my head . I keep saying ok he’s broken . If I accept him as he is maybe he will love me . Maybe he will change .. But sadly after much reading i don’t think it will ever get better. I’m so broken .. Broken hearted .. I feel like he’s hurting my insides .. My mind, body, heart and soul are aching
Zari Ballard
November 21, 2015 at 12:43 pmHi Broken Woman,
Obviously, I am running so far behind in my responses and I hope you forgive me. All I can say to you, girl, is that you KNOW what you saw in that mirror! Kick is narcissistic ass to the curb. You KNOW what you saw! That’s all the validation/confirmation that you need. End the insanity. You will survive it, believe me. If you haven’t already, read my books and then re-read them. You don’t have to ache and be sad. I can’t repeat it enough – YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAW.
Stay strong and trust your own eyesight and every gut feeling that you’ve ever had….
Zari xo
Carol
November 21, 2015 at 1:44 pmTrust me, Samantha,me has,mins and will continue to cheat! Why? Because he can! We allow it. The difference between the N and NORMAL people is, we love, trust and respect and a N does not! I just finalized my divorce after being with him for 27 years, 5 kids and grandkids! My ex once asked if I wanted to fix us and I told him NO cause I didn’t rust him, his response, “so, what do you need trust for” are you fucking kidding me….my then, 12, year old found his disgusting “dick” on his phone in a video and pictures!!! He tried to deny it of course! He went to MY mother telling her how crazy,etc I am.,when she asked if he had affairs,me said yes, BUT, it’s her fault! He telling my own mother this in a rectory no less. Sitting there lying in front of the Lord! Please know, you’re not alone, or crazy or unlovable…keep strong and fuck him. It’s hard to have no contact when you have kids together, but try hard! Love to you, sweetie…
Craig
July 4, 2015 at 10:07 amI was the scapegoat of my family growing up, and just in the last year i started to break free of that role! Growing up I can recall a few scenarios looking back that verify my feeling of low self worth being untrue. If i were too share every story it would be longer than any novel! Ill share a few just to paint the picture bob ross style lol! (nice and fast)
One time when i was maybe 10-11 years old, the girl that lived down the street came over and we would ride bikes like all normal kids do. My brother (the golden child) was outside playing hockey and decides to start shooting hockey pucks at me and my friend, knocking us off our bikes. I got angry and tried standing up to him. So he put his hockey stick in my spokes and I went flying of my bike chipping my tooth and splitting my lip open on the belgium blocks that lined the driveway…. Bleeding profusely from the lip, scrapes all up my chest from sliding across the asphalt… my brother proceeds to break my ankle with his hockey stick while i lay on the floor bleeding. When my mother came home from work, she made him lunch and gave him an ice cream while I waited to be brought to the hospital. I knew she would somehow make this my fault so i initially limped around swearing to god that I was “ok” and didn’t need medical attention because I knew the wrath I was about to face from my narcissistic mother! I couldn’t bear any weight on my ankle because the growth plate was shattered! The whole way to the hospital I got yelled and screamed at trying to make me admit that i did “such and such” to my brother and i got what i deserved!
In 7th-8th i was bullied by everyone in school after a kid in my school got in a car accident with his father and both passed away.. somehow the role of scapegoat proceeded outside of my family and i was blamed for their death. Instead of my mother being a person that i could confide in… i would come home to being told that I’m overly sensitive and that its my fault that i let them bully me. I was told i deserve this treatment and she did nothing nut punish me for crying to her about what was going on at school. I was pushed down two flights of stairs by kids at school and beat up at least once or twice a week! I was all alone and had nobody in the world to turn to. Anyone who was once my friend didn’t want to be my friend because they were scared that they would get beat up just for associating with me.
then when i was a teenager my parents would go to professional hockey games with my brother and only buy three tickets. then yell at me saying that i don’t wanna be part of this family and that id rather hang out with my friends than be with them. In fact it was the exact opposite. They didn’t want me in the family cause by that time I started calling them out on their BS and whistle blowers tend to take on the scapegoat role.
Now in my 30s i am happily married and have a BEAUTIFUL baby girl! the attempts of lowering my self worth are still perpetrated by my mother. She is a master of gas lighting and lying by omission! When cornered and caught in her lies she shifts gears to some other event that happened just to redirect the blame from her to me!
this is where your article really resonates with me! You called it the “Distraction-Reaction” I have always tried words to explain this and could never come up with it but your article…or just those two words you wrote summed it up better than i can ever express!!
I now haven’t spoken to my brother in over a year!! Now as of yesterday i think we (my wife and I ) finally experienced the straw that broke the camels back! We decided that my mother is no longer allowed in our lives!
Every year they have a 4th of july party. So two weeks ago i ask her what she is doing on the 4th and she gives me some BS story about how she isn’t having a party this year. My wife also asked my mother a week ago and my mother gave her a different story about not making the party this year for the 4th…. So my wife and I make other plans. Then yesterday (the 3rd of july) i ask her “so what are you doing this weekend?” She tells me her plans for that night and tells me what she is doing on the 5th but avoids mentioning her plans for the 4th… So i got more specific saying “what are you doing on the 4th?” She then tells me “oh we are having a party like we do every year!” So, she obviously lied to us cause she didn’t want me there. I then call her out on it and she turns it all around saying that she was offended that we made oner plans and she was mad at us for not coming to her party! Mind you she lied to us in order to keep us from knowing that she was even having a party then makes us the bad guys when we made other plans instead of going to the party that we never knew was even happening. When I call her out on that…she then starts the DISTRACTION REACTION….. She starts talking about things from the past that have no relevance to the issue of her lying to us about the party… or pretty much brings up anything that diverts from the argument at hand where she lied to us about the party cause she doesn’t want us there. Then says stuff like “HOW DARE I TALK TO HER THAT WAY” or “when you are ready to talk to me like a human being call me” So i stand up to her again and call out her BS and go back to the fact that she purposly didn’t tell us about the party and she is a {insert four letter word of your choice}… So when she is cornered and realized that she is losing this one she then starts attacking my wife saying that my wife is tearing my family apart!
So as of yesterday my wife and I decided that we won’t stand for it anymore!!! my mother is dead to us! She will never see her grand daughter again and can no longer control me. I have been in therapy for over a year now and have been standing my ground against my mothers narcissistic ways. She has realized that the dynamic has changed and she can no longer treat me the way she was so used to. However a narcissist needs a fall guy. So thats where my wife comes in! I WILL NOT ALLOW MY MOTHER TO DO TO MY WIFE WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO ME!
It was not easy for me to get to this point of breaking free! I just hope that even one person can read my experience and learn that they can overcome this and they are NOT worthless like their narcissistic family has taught them to believe
Zari Ballard
July 20, 2015 at 1:56 amHi Craig,
Thank you for sharing your story and I apologize for taking so long to respond. Wow….your childhood was, well, words can not describe. All I can say is that I am glad you’re a grown-up with a family of your own and a beautiful baby girl. I whole-heartedly agree that it’s time to pull the plug on the toxic bond that your mother and brother have kept you tethered to for so very long. If it’s any small comfort, I hear from men and women every day that are struggling with the parent/sibling dynamic and it’s always the mom and then, of course, either a brother or sister (depending on who the Golden Child is). All say that to pull away completely is not an easy decision and I get this, I really do. But, to me, there comes a time where you have to make a break if for no other reason than to protect the family that you’ve created away their evilness. Seriously, you’ve paid your dues, done your time, and you and your wife deserve to be happy and your daughter deserves to grow up without the chaos.
As you already know, your mother and your brother will never ever change. They will always enable each other as partners in crime. To make the break and not allow their deception and manipulation to be constantly seeping into your life will actually be a blow to their agenda – and so be it. What we allow, will continue, brother. Now that you realize the significance of a distraction reaction, you can easily see how she uses it at every turn to gas light and guilt you and confuse you and annoy you and to get a reaction out of you (the ultimate goal) so that she can blame you….and it goes on and on.
I thank you again for writing, my friend, and I wish you and your family nothing but the best. Feel free to write anytime because I am here to support you….
Zari xo
Bekka
June 20, 2015 at 5:44 amI literally have CHILLS reading this. I cannot believe how accurate this is. Reading it, I felt like I was having a glimpse of my past relationship. My ex never did anything like fly off for two weeks, because he was too lazy and never wanted to leave the house. But anytime I’d bring up something he did that really hurt me, he would ALWAYS do this. In the end, I’d be apologizing, being left so confused, questioning my sanity and blaming myself. He’d make me feel bad for always causing us to fight. I get it now, wow what an eye-opener. Thank you so much for this blog, you have no idea how much this has helped me with my very recent break up.
Zari Ballard
July 3, 2015 at 9:45 pmHi Bekka,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. If you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will see yourself on every page. The more we read and learn and the more stories that we can relate to, the better. Believe me, you are not alone.
Stay strong and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Nicole
May 17, 2015 at 7:48 pmI have been with my recently turned ex-narcissistic bf for over 5 years. Ours is a very long story, so I won’t go into it right now.
However, this post compelled me to comment. My ex-N’s favorite response when I complained that he wasn’t there for me…”I’m here now.” It didn’t matter if I really needed him last week, or last night. No matter what I said, he would just repeat, “I’m here now!”. Talk about crazy making!
I have been researching narcissism for the past month and I cannot believe how many stories I can relate to. For the past several years, I have suspected that he was a narcissist, but was not convinced until I went from his Primary Source of supply to his Secondary. (He is a cerebral narcissist!) I didn’t even recognize this person! He acted completely different towards me! Actually, in some ways, even nicer, or at least it seemed so. But then he began withdrawing. No interest in me sexually! Contact became less and less and when we were together, he treated me more like a friend than his lover. I was baffled. But, after reading multiple articles about narcissism, it makes sense now.
The best part is knowing that I am not the crazy one. However, I do feel sorry for him. This is the person whom I have loved deeply for the past 5+ years. I would have done anything for him. Now I realize he will never really know the joy of what it is to love and be loved by someone. I’m not sure why…but I can forgive him. I guess it’s because I finally realized he no longer has a hold on me. He can’t hurt me anymore because now I understand where his motivation comes from. It really has nothing to do with me!
Anyway, I am beginning my path to recovery. I know it won’t be easy, but I am finally ready to commit myself to being strong enough to work through this pain and let go. It’s comforting to know that there are great people, who share similar experiences, to help support such an agonizing decision!
Thanks!
Zari Ballard
May 18, 2015 at 6:00 pmHi Nicole,
OMG…my ex used to say “I’m here now” as well. I would cry and cry, begging him Where were you? You’re never there for me. I really needed you…and you just vanished! and his response “What can I say? I’m here now.” Over and over and over. And get away with it he did! You are a much better person than I in that you feel sorry for him. I suppose I might feel that too if I thought narcissists (all types) actually felt sad about their lack of love – but they don’t. In fact, they like their life just fine and only claim NOT to when they want some sympathy and something else. Narcissists think that they are the smart ones and the rest of us idiots are here to serve them. Sure, once in a while they might feel a little butthurt (narcissistic injury) but that’s all it will ever be. Then they just brush themselves off and keep on keepin on. Nothing about that makes me feel bad.
Hang in there and stay true to yourself, girlfriend! I’m here to support you!!
Zari xo
Sophia
May 1, 2015 at 1:57 amI have never caught my n ex cheating or lying, but I have seen him lie to other people. My story is a little different in a few aspects, as I dated a cerebral narcissist and I believe you and most of the other commenters dated somatic narcs. He has however always accused me of lying and used a particular event that happened at the beginning of our relationship, where I had in fact done nothing wrong, to motivate his lack of trust for the whole 6 months that we were together. He’s been checking my phone, checking my subway card, checking my bank account!!! and I foolishy thought that if I allowed that, he would see that he can trust me. We had permanent fights over completely unimportant things, like science news, when we would disagree about a certain topic the fight would always turn into something very similar to the above dialogue. Even tho we fought about something entirely different than your dialogue, when I read it, it totally hit home. He always said I am the one who is twisting words, however, I was always so confused at the end of a fight not being able to understand what on earth just happened. How could I end up crying after a freakin conversation about radiation poisoning !?!!? Or about religion or politics, where we mainly had the same ideas to begin with! Or after a conversation about cars! How can a conversation like that turn personal !?!? It turned personal because he could’n’t stand the fact that I had arguments and he had to deflect the whole conversation from the main topic, and accuse me of always wanting to win, to get me in deffensive.
Teresa Everett
March 8, 2015 at 3:28 amGET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! YOU STOLE THIS CONVERSATION OUT OF MY BEDROOM!!! My husband took off for 2 weeks with his Gf with my car–oops, his car–i SAW him over there and EVERYTHING he said is right off these pages! Me being bipolar, me being a bully, me bringing up the past, hebwanna get out the car cause he sick of me and he about to lose it!!!!! Why are all Ns the same?!? Thank you for bringing me back to reality!!! I have known about NPD for about 2 Yeats now and i don’t know WHAT came over me this last time that I forgot what I was dealing with and let him back–oh yeah I dropped out of my support group when I closed my Facebook page….thank YOU SO MUCH for this!!!!
Zari Ballard
March 8, 2015 at 12:16 pmHi Teresa,
I’m glad I could smack ya back to reality – and thanks for the chuckle! If it weren’t for the fact that they fucked with our lives, the whole thing might be hilarious. It’s amazing how alike they all are as they came off the same chopping block, one after the other with only the faces different. If you think my conversation in the article was like yours, you should really read my book When Love Is a Lie because you’ll think you wrote it. In it, I tell the story of my 13-year hell with a narc boyfriend and you will no doubt relate to every word. If you get a chance, check it out.
In the meantime, stay strong and stay in reality. We spend so much time in the chaos that we completely forget what’s normal in this life and that we deserve so much better than they could ever give us. Thanks for writing and write anytime!
Zari xo