Who said anything about co-parenting “peacefully”? Narcs will use the kids as a pawn as long as they know it will get under their ex’s skin…this is a given…and of course they suck as parents. They are narcs, after all. I assume all of this is why you are divorced. As for MyFamilyWizard, of COURSE it’s not about “communication” to a narc because that’s not what he does. However, let him act like an asshole in words all he wants where it all becomes documented. As long as he looks like the unreasonable and uncooperative parent and you appear as the level headed one, who cares? My ex threatened to call the cops and DID call the cops for ridiculous reasons during and after the divorce but he looked like a complete fool. Narcs are cop callers…that’s a fact. You can certainly be angry but keep your cool and you will win. The best defense to a narc’s smear campaign is no defense at all. As long as you react with fireworks and anger, he wins. Take away your reactions and the wind gets sucked out of his balloon. There are obvious things about the divorce you can’t change, you can only change your reaction to it. Never discuss or comment about dad when you’ve got the kids. Just don’t do it, no matter what he does or says. Your kids will know and appreciate this even if they are little. It works every time to stay quiet. The kids learn soon enough who is in the wrong even if they love this person. When I “got this”, it changed everything. You may not be able to co-parent peacefully, but you can definitely be the peaceful co-parent. Stay calm, don’t ever give him him more than ten minutes of your time to talk or text then cut him off, let him call the police but have no reaction, walk away and shut the door to his bullshit, don’t talk smack about dad to the kids behind his back not even to defend yourself…it’s just not worth the long term repercussions….it’s not easy, but when I stopped losing it, it put me automatically in control. Narcs will always be assholes and this is why we divorce them. Change your perspective for you and for the kids and see how miracles happen. Your suffering changes nothing so given this fact, we can choose not to suffer. It’s the only thing that breaks the cycle, girl. Been there, done that….you can too:)

You encourage someone to act with entitlement by moving a child away from a parent and then have the audacity to lecture about entitled behaviour???? You are poison to children.

Hi Esmeralda,

lol…Leaving the state would help but narcs DO like the world to think they are great parents so he will likely stay in contact for awhile. If he is paying child support, he will feel ENTITLED to stay in contact but only until the child has a mind of its own and can think for himself or herself. Usually, at this point, the narc fades away. Keep your fingers crossed. It can go either way but the means to an end is the same…to stay connected to YOU and continue controlling your life. Simply do NOT allow it and he just might disappear a whole lot quicker….

Zari:)

Hi Mud,

It’s all good, brother! No harm, no foul. I know how it is and you are in a difficult situation. With the courts, it can go either way. Seems of late that it doesn’t matter whether the narc is a girl or a guy, the narcissist is winning and I find that odd because for a long time, I felt that judges were catching on. I think that they likely were but those in authority are getting complacent now about everything and they’re not paying attention. It’s not a good sign. I agree wholeheartedly that the world is FULL TO THE BRIM with dangerous people. I see it all around me and it scares me for all of our children. After we’re gone, I don’t want to imagine:( I’m sorry that you were treated like that. I know you are in the UK but I fear it is no better here. We can only hope that the truth will prevail.

Listen, I sent a PDF copy of my book (that I wrote for the guys) to the email that you used for this most recent post – the “apology” post lol! So, please look for it. Maybe it can give you comfort in some way. Write anytime….like I said, recovery is a team effort….

Zari xo

Hi Zari,
Pretty much straight after making my comment I wish I hadn’t written it. I thought to myself “she didn’t deserve that” so I sincerely do apologise. It was out of frustration of desperately trying to search for help on how to deal with such toxic types in a family court setting, which I have been doing for about two years now with absolutely no joy. Sadly, the only advice available (to date) is from mothers advising other women to push and frustrate the toxic individual out of theirs and their children’s lives. This is where the psychological mine field begins for us men. If we show any frustration to this frustrating attitude, we are branded as narcissists. If we come across as desperate to be involved with our children, once again we are branded. Walk away from it all (go “no contact”), I need not reiterate the attitude that brings on us. This is why I assumed you would do the same, for which again I apologise. I have received pretty much that judgement, or similar by everyone I go to for advice, whether they be friends, solicitors, judges, etc. I called my sons nursery to ask for an update on his development after months of court battles asking for more information, to only be denied any opportunity to know anything about my son and to be spoken to like I was a threat to women and children. When I asked the judge at court if I could be granted the information on where my son lives, he lost his temper with me. I dared to ask any more questions after that. I think the reason for this attitude is that sadly there is a wealth of information on the internet (just type psychopath into netmums) nowadays that can easily be used by the wrong personality type for negative purposes (personal gain). All good and well intended advice that’s sadly all too readily available to paint anyone you don’t ‘like’ a narcissist, or simply want to justify brutally selfish intentions by refusing to take responsibility.

Being the type of people we are means we want to help others. The idea that the information we provide could be used for totally the opposite reason doesn’t even occur to us. The world is full of dangerous people and the internet is a perfect library to find the information one “wants” to hear. Narcissism is out of control in modern society and the internet supplies the justification.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. I think you’ve had more than enough of me by now. I just wanted to apologise and retract my comments. I haven’t replied to any other threads before and I chose the wrong person to air my frustrations. In fact I’d like to thank you. Having the time to reply with such sincere thought was uplifting for me in itself. I doubt anyone can help me or my sons situation but at least having an understanding person somewhere out there means we have hope there might be someone else.
Many thanks Zari.

“Hugs can do great amounts of good, especially for children” Lets hug narcissism out of society. x

Kindest regards,

Mud

Hi Mud,

There’s not much I can do about the “he said” since this blog is about my experience and it happened to be with a boyfriend. Obviously you didn’t see this article that (actually – an apology letter) that I wrote to the guys about the very thing you speak of. I’m the first one to say that the female narcissist is the worst of the worst and that she has the male narcissist beat hands down in the evil department. I speak with guys everyday in your situation and if you look at the comments under that article you will see that you are not alone. I don’t claim to be a psychologist. All I can do is give advice based on my experience and from the thousands of people I have corresponded with and speak to. And why would I tell you how much of a narc you are? I don’t even know you. I’m sorry that you feel the way that you do and I am sorry also for what you must be going through. It is a very difficult situation with many complicated facets ESPECIALLY when you are co-parenting. I wish you the best…

Regards,
Zari

Hi Kate,

I realize I am late in responding but I would love to hear an update and see if somehow I can guide you through it. Please contact me through the Contact Me page on this website and it will take you to my personal email. Without knowing the details, it’s hard to tell you which way to go. Obviously, you feel some sort of intimidation and if you truly believed that your marriage was “near perfect” up until this past January, something very horrible must have happened. If you are the victim here, you can leave and take the kids with you but yes, first you need to take care of that legal part. I am assuming he does not know that you know although he may by now.

I am hoping you are okay. Please do send me a message, girlfriend:(

Zari:)

Hi Alex!

It sounds as if she is out of control. I’m sure this is because you are dating. Narcissists do not like this because it means you have moved on. Is there any way that you can file for full custody?

Zari:)

Hi Roberta,

Woow..I am so sorry for your troubles. First of all, you do not have to stand for these attacks. I have two other articles on co-parenting and one of them outlines a strategy for sanity that includes not giving this man more than TEN MINUTES of your time during any phone call or conversation. If this means that you have to set a timer, so be it. In your case, I dare say FIVE MINUTES would be enough. This man is really awful and extremely narcissistic and you do not have to put up with any of it. YOU are NOT the problem. It’s about time that you stood up for yourself and got that divorce moving along.

A narcissist’s whole life in everything that he does and with whomever he engages with is all about what he can get away with. You don’t have to be part of that and you should also NOT ALLOW his mother to enable his atrocious behaviors by flaunting this new woman around to your children in pictures. Who DOES that? It is unacceptable. Thankfully, your children see what is happening. Children are very smart and they will know what happened and always see you in a better light. I am sure they are grateful he is not under the same roof to continue the abuse to the family.

As for whether or not he is happy, here is an article for that too. A narcissist never changes but that doesn’t need to even be your worry. Somehow, you must move beyond the sadness and get your spirit back and it starts by NOT engaging in conversation with this man. Why does he need to talk to you about the kids? It is up to YOU whether or not you have these conversations. Put your foot down! The attacks should NEVER be happening. Break the spell by slamming down the phone or simply not answering it. You have the RIGHT to do this because YOU are NOT the problem.

He’s not and never has been an “amazing” guy. Your children, however, sound VERY amazing and this is where you will find your solace. You are obviously a lovely person and caring mother and don’t let this asshole tell you differently.

Sending you hugs across the miles,

Zari:)

T.L. wrote…But after all my efforts, he goes back to the silent treatment again only this time I don’t care. I seen the truth. My daughter who had to grow up without him realized his truth years before I did. I learned children are resilient, and not to underestimate the power of faith and love.

Thank you…so, so true! xo

Thank you
Alexander Bird

Hi Sherry,

I don’t know to which post that you refer but whatever I wrote I stand by it. I speak with men everyday who deal with female narcs and I am probably the ONLY one online that states flat out that the women narcs are far worse then the men will ever be. I have also written a book for them BECAUSE I know all to well that society offers them no help whatsoever. On this blog, there is a letter I wrote as an article that apologizes for this fact and welcomes to this site. Now, having said that, I call people out as I see it and because I do have experience (13 years with a narcissist and a lifetime with a narcissistic sister) and also because I have spoken to hundreds of people all over the planet and I understand what they are going through. If I called a guy or a girl out after their comment on my site, it’s because I’m saying how I think and, for the most part, I can not be fooled.

Zari:)

What happens when she’s been alienating the kids’ from their dad for 6 years and it’s gotten to the point that they’re so poisoned against dad, stepmom, step & half siblings, now as teens they refuse to visit unless unreasonable ultimatums are met (‘you can’t lecture me about stealing from you and lying or failing my classes etc’)and are nasty and disrespectful to everyone when they do, creating even more conflict and stress?

Mom eats it up and encourages them to send hateful texts to dad and refuse to go with dad when he arrives to pick them up…then she pretends to have had no part in it and is only trying to help or says “they don’t feel safe”, or “they’re afraid you won’t let them go to baseball practice as punishment for doing something not that bad” or “they only want to visit with you not the other family members in the home” Or whatever baseless bs excuse comes to mind to help pretend she’s not at fault and a great parent. N Mom has rewarded such disrespectfulness toward dad to the point that if they want something and are told no by dad, they fly off the handle and refuse to be picked up for visits. Yes, they have learned to manipulate just like N mom.

Yeah, you could use the court to force visitation compliance, but then you’d have visits with angry teens who lash out even more and may invent abuse allegations, have mom or a friend pick them up in the middle of the night, destroy your property so you won’t want them around, or something.

When the damage has already been inflicted for 6+ years and there’s only a lose-lose option, what then?Do you keep letting N mom and now teen children manipulate you by dictating the terms of your relationship with them and others, wreaking havoc on your home environment with spouse, other kids, extended family? Do you stick to your guns that in our home we treat each other with respect and we talk about our problems, this is what to expect if you come here so take it or leave it? Or do you cut bait, allow the refused visits to go unchallenged, and hope one day the teens realize what they and their mother have done to push away a father who loved them dearly?

Hi “they not he”,

I’ve answered this question before but I will again: 1) these articles and my books are based on my own personal experience with a narcissistic boyfriend so this is my approach, 2) you must have missed the article specifically for the guys here which actually includes my apology for the way information appears to always be about “he” when actually women narcs are far worse, 3) I wrote an entire book about the female narc for the guys to make sure the information was available, 4) I counsel nearly as many men as I do women and I host one of the only NAR websites online where we NEVER bash men in general because we all know the difference, and 5) to use the word “they” or “he/she” for all cases makes for bad sentence structure and an overall awkward read and I like my articles to flow.

Now, having said all that, there are over 90 articles on this website and there are many where I slip in he/she throughout …you need to read here more and you’d find them. You couldn’t have read as much of my website as you claim if you missed all that. And while I appreciate the backwards compliment on the information I provide, perhaps you didn’t pay close attention. Perhaps YOU are the close-minded one.

Be blessed and thank you for your insight.

Be blessed and thank you for your insight.