Narcissistic partners may discard us but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we will feel broken-up. Narcissists may give us the never-ending silent treatment but that doesn’t mean we feel any more disconnected. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. The more a narcissist “breaks-up” with us, the more irrationally connected we feel to this person…sometimes to the point of feeling compelled to demand that we remain together. Our suffering comes from us not wanting to lose our place in line. In the silence, we fear that our position has been downgraded to one that isn’t even worthy of a hoover. The problem with the latter is that there’s no way to know for sure about the downgrade until either the hoover comes or doesn’t come. And so we wait. And while we wait, there’s always something about this particular discard or break-up that just doesn’t seem real…but if it’s not real, then where is the narcissist? Fucking around, of course…doing what he always does! And this surreal feeling he leaves us with? Well, it is absolutely done with purpose and with the intention of keeping us in limbo until he finally decides he’s ready to come back.
It’s amazing how hard we will fight for an imaginary place in line that means absolutely nothing to the narc. The truth is that a narcissist sees all of his targets, conquests, affairs, relationships, acquaintances, passing strangers, enemies, fuck buddies, etc. as all holding the same position. This is my theory and I’m sticking to it! As much as we’d ALL like to think that we’re the favorite…the one that he just can’t live without…the truth is that the imaginary line is horizontal and very straight, not vertical with a hierarchy and with us at the very top (as we’d like to believe). Us and all of those not-so-imaginary people that we imagine he engages with are equal in value to the narc. This is the very concept that we can’t grasp and this is ONE of the reasons why the discard by a narcissist never seems real. He couldn’t possibly have left me for real this time. I’m in top place!
When I speak with people during consultations, inevitably I am forced to push my theory that a narcissist sees all of us on the same “emotional” level – and needless to say, no one wants to hear it. How do I know that the narc doesn’t care about us any more than he cares about the girl who rang out his smokes at the Q-T? How do I know that we can work our asses off to be the prettiest and sluttiest girl at the narcissist’s party and it won’t mean shit to a narcissist who never compares credentials? I know in the same way that, deep down, all of you know…because of the countless times that each and every one of us has been shell-shocked as to whom the narcissist cheats on us with. It’s never the type of person that we imagine. Ever. It’s never anyone who’s as hot as we think we are or as funny or whatever. How many times have you found yourself wondering “Oh my God, that’s who he left me for??? “ Now, not that these new targets are ugly by any means or lacking in moral character but they’re simply not…well..us. And why is that? Because a narc would just as soon fuck whoever is at position six on the imaginary line than he would the top position holder. Because he has no standards that he sticks to which, in other words, means he will fuck anyone (often male OR female although we can rarely prove this).
When we date or marry “normal” guys, it’s usually because we fit into what he considers his “type”. Even if he cheats, it will usually be with somebody close to what we are and how we look. This is just human nature. The narcissist has no “favorite” anything or anyone and, if he does, the reason for it is very self-serving. Sure, we may be the narc’s “favorite” but that’s only because we are the most convenient, not because we’re the best. Don’t ever forget that a narcissist is every bit an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense. If the person holding the fourth position on the imaginary line grants him an opportunity – oh well!!
Another huge reason why a break-up with a narcissist never seems real is because, over the course of the relationship, we can rarely prove that there’s anyone else on the imaginary line at all!! A narcissist is so good at keeping his worlds from colliding that we can never be sure he left us for anyone all let alone someone with a lower position. This is nerve racking to say the least. However, do not be fooled into thinking that a narcissist is EVER alone when he leaves because he certainly is not. He just, as they say, is “keeping it separated” and if he can’t keep it separated he’ll do it simultaneously but it will still be hard to prove. Narcissists are good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. Having said that, when a narcissist leaves or discards us or breaks-up with us and we can’t imagine that there’s anyone else because we have no proof we tend to live in that limbo land of whether this is really the end and inevitably we decide that it’s not!
If we understood that our intuition is never ever wrong, we would know that every suspicion is spot-on and that we’re supposed to be broken up with these bastards whether we feel it or not or whether we have proof or not as why it should be over. If we understood that there is no imaginary vertical line with us in the top position and that we’re only the favorite for reasons that are less than complementary, we could break the irrational mental connection we feel to these emotional retards. For me…when I had the “a-ha” moment and finally understood these things…it was as if someone opened a door to freedom and I flew right through it. It was easier for me to fathom that he didn’t care about me any more than he cared about, say, his mom’s landscaper than to fathom that he really loved me and did what he did to me anyway. Just think about that and let it sink in and you will see.
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When we get dumped or discarded or when we find ourselves living, as I did for thirteen years, in a perpetual silent treatment, we need to make that break-up real and the only way to do this is by going full-on no contact. It simply must be done. You don’t have to tell him or send a message or anything of the sort. You just have to do it. He can think you’re in limbo until the day he dies if he wants but that’s his problem. The bottom line is that this surreal bullshit keeps us from ever moving on which is exactly what this narcissistic tactic is intended to do. And moving on is what you need to do.
Don’t allow the narcissist’s compartment to become your gilded cage. Unfortunately, this is our reality during these types of relationships and we can’t recover if we don’t start somewhere. Today, by the way, is a great day to get started…one small choice at a time, my friends.
FINALLY FREE
August 26, 2016 at 4:40 pmC and Zari, is it possible that these so-called “friends” have been caught in the Narc trap just as we were? I believe so. The N worked his charm on them and all it takes to get sucked in to their lair is a few manipulative words and actions. Like the dinner C spoke of. Mine tried charming my parents, my sister etc… and he used his Mom to work me!! They are fucking crazy! They use anyone around them and create a chess game of pawns to assist in their win! After all was said and done my family hated him… but then his last hoover seemed “so nice!!’ and they even said “maybe he has changed?” ughhhhhh!! NOOOOOOOO!! OH HELL NOOOO! HA! Well, he didn’t convince me one bit but he still found a way to ‘get me back’ in the end (for leaving him, cause of course he wanted to be the one who left me)!!! Fortunately I do not have any mutual friends with his dumb ass and the ones I did have weren’t close to him. I unfriended anyone with any ties whatsoever. He’s tried having allusive friends request me on FB, but I never took the bait. I may have seemed dumb at times in the relationship (and I certainly felt it), but ‘surprise!’ i’ve smartened up! ha!!! It’s very difficult to make anyone who’s not been in the same situation fully understand. But that’s ok, it’s not about getting others to understand, it’s about getting YOURSELF FREE! <3
Zari Ballard
September 16, 2016 at 5:43 pmHi FINALLY FREE,
It’s very difficult to make anyone who’s not been in the same situation fully understand. But that’s ok, it’s not about getting others to understand, it’s about getting YOURSELF FREE! I couldn’t have said it any better. That IS the answer.
Zari xo
C
September 20, 2016 at 1:32 pmOh, these “friends” were absolutely caught in the narc trap just like we were … but it’s not like he was 100% charming to them. He abused them too! I guess I understand since hey, I can’t talk since I stuck around while he abused me. But hindsight is an amazing thing. I look back and laugh at how brainwashed I was, thinking I was obligated to stay, that leaving wasn’t an option, that I had to justify why I deserved common courtesy and basic respect.
When I went no contact, the narcissist went insane, literally insane, spamming my email demanding to know why I’d left. I hadn’t even SEEN the guy in 5 years, and he was now married to someone else! Any illusion of friendship had gone out the window years earlier, and now here he was demanding to know where I’d gone and was I okay? Like I owed him an explanation?
Years earlier, I might have felt I owed him an answer. Now I don’t care and I never engage.
But about the enablers. I think when you look back from a place of power and self-esteem, tolerating abuse looks crazy. It’s only now that I realize how obvious it is the narcissist abused his enablers and that they knew about it 110%. They just never did anything about it except grumble under their breath and continue to verbally fellate him.
Sick of BS
September 20, 2016 at 10:42 pmCHARM? it’s not charm…ANYONE could appear so sociable & worldly if they were willing to go around & make up so much lies about themselves. It’s the poor KIND honest individual that’s never played on anyone, who has to really start having some well earned scepticism. Yes, these creeps invade ur family & friends…but anyone so easy WANTING to believe them…then sadly, U have to look at those ppl too. Coz, good family, good friends…even if U have ur harmless differences (as they know they also do) wouldn’t engage in it. I LOVE ppl with different approaches to life…but definitely NOT ppl who are bothered to join a posse to HURT or ostracise others.
C
September 24, 2016 at 10:40 amTotally agree, there’s something sick about enablers. That’s why I cut them off too. In my opinion, they’re as bad as the primary offender.
C
August 26, 2016 at 9:56 amZari, I wondered if you’d touch upon the phenomenon of enablers. Personally, I know I wouldn’t have stayed with my ex NEARLY as long as I did if I didn’t have so many friends defending him and telling me I was the problem.
The thing I don’t get is, people HATED him! They frequently bitched to me about his misbehavior, the comments he made, the stunts he pulled.
Yet they stayed friends with him and NEVER defended me. They’re still friends with him on Facebook!
One couple even told me they forgave him and would “overlook all his future petty stunts” because he showed up at one of their parent’s house one day with dinner. What they saw as an act of kindness, I saw as a creepy hoover and an act of malice. At that point, they hadn’t spoken with him in years because he’d stalked them and tried to break them up. They’re now friends with him again. I’ve since cut ties with them and every other enabler my Nex still talks to.
I don’t get it. If I was half the asshole this guy was, none of these people would ever talk to me again (and rightly so). Yet these nut jobs feign kindness one time, and suddenly people treat it like a sighting of the Virgin Mary and bend over backwards for him.
Meanwhile, I was an innocent victim and everyone treated me like a pariah.
Do these people have no standards? Are they that desperate for any resemblance of friendship that they’ll accept it from a bully?
Zari Ballard
August 26, 2016 at 4:00 pmHi C,
Oh, I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. The narcissist has a way of turning the very people who appeared to hate him during the relationship into flying monkey enablers. It happens all the time. And yes, I had to completely cut people off – even female friends – who chose to be “friends” on FB with Wayne after the fact. These are female friends who were smack dab in the middle of it while he was torturing me. One girl (who’s divorced now) was married to Wayne’s best friend and the four of us hung out most of the 13 years. I can’t count the amount of times she had to come and rescue me when he’d just dump me off on the side of the road after raging, driving off and leaving me stranded. I considered her a best friend yet there she was as his Facebook friend after the break-up. Moreover, HE always claimed to hate HER throughout most of the relationship…yeah right. Needless to say, I promptly de-friended her and refused to have anything to do with her since. Even recently, she got a message to me through another mutual friend asking that we meet for lunch and how her kids want to see me, blah blah. No way. I didn’t say why I said no, I just said no. If she’s smart, she’ll figure it out. I will never consider her a friend ever again. This is very typical.
Now, with HER, I suspect nefarious reasons for their “friendship” but this is not always the case. I have been a singer in this town for years and this is how I met my ex. Right now I rent a studio with about 11 guy musicians, many of whom I have known for as long as I’ve known Wayne, who is also a musician. Recently I noticed that suddenly several of my guys were FB “friends” with Wayne. Two of the guys Wayne barely even knows so I am sure Wayne sent a FB friend request and they just okayed it without even thinking. I promptly de-friended them just to avoid having Wayne poke around my FB as a “mutual” friend and they didn’t even notice. My thinking is that some people – guys mainly – don’t think like we do and will “friend” anyone, giving the appearance that they are all good buddies. As long as they’re not bringing him around the studio, I don’t care but I understand that it gives you a weird feeling. I have felt that way many times.
You have to remember that, when people aren’t directly connected to the narc like we are, they will forgive/forget just to keep things moving. The memories aren’t as sticky as they are with us. You have done the only thing you can do – cut them off. You don’t have to explain or try to defend your actions. Cutting the ties will send your message. Even if it doesn’t (because some people not only don’t have standards, they are just stupid), at least you don’t have to deal with it anymore. Let them be pals with the narc until the day they die.
You’ve done the right thing. There are plenty of new friends out there waiting for you who don’t know the narc even existed in your life and those are the ones you want to gravitate to:)
Zari xo
C
August 27, 2016 at 7:52 amHaha, interestingly, when I cut off the enablers, the only person who seemed to care was the narcissist! There was an extinction burst lasting almost two years where he tried to hoover me and got so upset that I wouldn’t respond. His last attempt was last year and he demanded to know why I’d cut off his spy ring.
I hear you when you say these people aren’t connected to the narc like we are but … to be honest, I still don’t get it. The enablers in my case are split pretty 50/50 between genders, and everybody has horror stories about the narc: he spread revenge porn of someone, he publicly humiliated someone else, he tried to break sooooo many people up because he wanted their girlfriend, he made fun of them. It’s not even like he had a nice guy mask on and only reserved his abuse for me. He’s treated everybody like shit, and people hate him, yet they still defend him.
THAT, I really don’t get.
gneleah
August 21, 2016 at 4:04 pmThis blog is my #1 place where I turn to when I’m having a setback in the struggle to free myself from the influence of my ex N. This is the best remedy I’ve found.
A few weeks ago, I checked in on him on social media and found that he had a new woman to whom he seems to give the sort of exclusiveness that he didn’t to me (he wanted polyamory, despite calling me his soulmate etc.). As far as I know, this is his first relationship after me. He had also suddenly acquired 750 Facebook friends in mere 4 months (you, Zari, took up that fb phenomenon in another blog post, thanks!) with an account that had naught else than a few photos of him – looking like a Russian pimp – and a couple of landscapes (he used to be a loner).
This social media visit hit me very hard. I haven’t recovered. Well, why on earth did I make it?! Because after him, or thru him, the light in my heart eclipsed. I can’t really move on when no one else & nothing interests me. Nothing gives me pleasure. Yet, I wouldn’t have him back either (it was me who left).
I’ve been thinking how come the connection I have with him inside me isn’t getting any weaker as months pass by… I sort of feel his presence within. So it’s hard to move on. I’ve been starting to wonder – as a Christian who knows evil spirits exist – if this power the narc has over me is demonic… the darkness that gripped my heart thru him… and this lingering connectedness to him. Even sexual desire… although we never even had sex, I still desire him.
Anyway, thanks to all who share their stories on here and especially to you, Zari, for this helpful blog <3
(I commented earlier on "the truth about suffering" with a nick I've used elsewhere on social media. I change it now for I don't think it's a good idea to write about him with my rare, recognizable nick/name.)
Zari Ballard
August 21, 2016 at 11:46 pmHi Gneleah,
Well, to answer one of your questions…without a doubt, I think that this time on our planet is one of spiritual warfare and these creatures are absolute tools of this. So, yes, demonic is the way that I’d describe it!
As for why you are still connected, the fact that you feel connected but wouldn’t want him back tells me that you are at least headed in the right direction. Time is the answer…and you must pass the time because time must pass. Do not give up. And NO MORE SOCIAL MEDIA. It does no good and you will never even have a chance to meet anyone interesting if you are still keeping tabs. You know that so I’m just reinforcing the fact, girl! He’d been working on those “friends” for a long time, make no mistake. And he only does what he does with the new target because they ALL do that. IT’S WHAT THEY DO!!!
You’re okay…just push through it. There’s no magic answer but not being alone should be a comfort. I’m here as you know and so is everyone else. We’re in it together so never fear….
Zari xo
gneleah
August 23, 2016 at 6:16 amHi Zari :))
Thank you so much for your warm and welcoming reply! <3 I've been reflecting on whether or not to share the issues I've been obsessed with since spying on him on the web, a few weeks ago. I feel somewhat ashamed… but here they come:
Me and my ex-N met in a social media community of poets. He was pretty invisibly posting his verses, a loner, not known in the community. I found him. We started to exchange poems via private msgs, creating a chain of poetic communication – which I had done before but he hadn't. He wasn't good at it and was also socially awkward. I was very frustrated with him, about to give up many times… but persisted and got him to open up and become more fluent in communication – poetically and otherwise. I also gave him tips on how to make his poetry more visible in the community and thus have people find it.
To make the long story short, he put my tips in practice… and more and more female poets started to appear… praising his poetry and sharing it (he said he didn't want to clutter his timeline by sharing others' poetry… and rarely did so). After I broke up with him, I witnessed his popularity growing – I hadn't yet figured out he was a covert narcissist. If a woman commented that his poem was beautiful, he replied, "so are you" (regardless of her looks or the quality of her poems).
As I checked on him in social media, I learned that a published female poet had taken him under her wing: presented him on her poetry homepage and told him her publisher would check out his poetry. Well, my ex-N narc has made some big changes in his social media behavior since then… e.g. made his poems visible only to a select group and posts a lot less than before. It seems to me that he might be having his poems published and that's why he can afford to withdraw from his "old circles". Also, quite a few of his new 750 fb friends are published writers.
Well, my shameful problem now is envy. I'd want to get MY poems published too (not thru self-publishing). I write in English which is a foreign language to me. I don't live in an English-speaking country (as he does). I'd need help from a native speaker to perfect my poems, other kind of help too – and I don't have it. As I witness (or assume) him getting the publishing contract dropped in his lap without needing to do anything… because women do it all for him… I feel envious. I know he wouldn't have made any attempt at publishing unless it were made this easy.
Quite a few times, I've got praises and people have urged me to publish, some even saying that my poetry is among the best they've read… but no male poet has taken me under his wing and had his publisher check out my verses 😛 Women do this sort to men, we nurture, pave the way, create opportunities…
I see a clear connection between how I helped him out of his isolation and social awkwardness – and inspired some of his best poems – to where he is now. I feel bad about it. Feel bad that I need to work hard, and get discouraged by the hardships, when he gets things dropped in his lap without giving anything in return. He's not a generous person and feels no shame in just taking.
And shameless as he is, I also fear that he might use some of my poetry or metaphors. So although I'd want to hurl him behind me altogether and not look back… I've now this gnawing feeling that when his book comes out, I'd need to read it to see if he's plagiarized. And since I don't know when it comes out, I'd need to look his way to know. And this would continue to keep me captive 🙁
I left the community where I met him. Since then, for a few months now, I've had no inspiration to write new poetry. My heart eclipsed.
Here I am… in inner darkness, obsessed by these negative feelings & thoughts. I feel resentment due to the unfairness of him not needing to give anything to get something – for we women make sure these guys get the best of our resources for free. And I feel regret for doing so.
I wrote this all out in hopes that the mere "confession" would help a bit. And maybe someone out there can relate to the envy, too. I'm not expecting solutions, but I'd welcome ideas as to how to let go of envy & break free from these obsessions, esp. the plagiarism one. I'd appreciate to hear analogous stories, too. Thank you for reading mine. Thank you, Zari <3
Finally Free
August 22, 2016 at 8:18 amThis is for gneleah and anyone (perhaps most of you) who just can’t “get rid of the monster in your soul”… Give energy healing a try!! Find a specialist in “polarity” it is quite amazing and extremely healing !! My experience was so intense and freeing ! Sometimes we need more than our own understanding of what we “know” we should do, sometimes we need help in releasing the negative soul sucking energy of the beast! It did wonders for me! Along with that and Zari’s help (yes it does take time) but I’m finally free. I don’t “feel” him anymore … I can talk about him and not feel affected. When I ponder the past and all he put me through I just think “ugh, thank God that’s over!!” Then I count my blessings!!!!! ????????☀️???? You can to!
Noelle
August 22, 2016 at 11:15 amGneleah,
I went through exactly this same thing with the same feelings as you. I too, felt mine truly had evil in him. Even to this day when I pass him on the road, the second I see his car I feel as if a black cloud is coming my way and a wave of depression comes over me, I can almost hear the theme song from Jaws playing as his car is approaching, I never make eye contact! When I try to explain this to my friends they look at me like I’m crazy or that I’m exaggerating but unless you’ve been with a Narc you will never understand. He even told me one time that he felt like a black cloud hovered over him, he was such a bitter, negative human being, I truly do believe they have evil in them.
I don’t know how long it’s been for you but I can honestly say time really does heal old wounds. I too felt joy in nothing! Didn’t want to be around friends or family. Even went on anti depressants for a month but I didn’t want to take them anymore. After 1 full year of no contact I can finally say I’m over it! Maybe not 100% as I still think about him but I’m much happier now and no longer obsess!
And I did the Social media thing too, I even looked up his new victim that he’s currently living with, it hurt a lot especially since he was never friends with me on there. But that is a big no no, and it will only set you back. I barely go on Social media anymore because of him, we have some mutual friends so even when I see his name pop up under something he liked on my friends page, it was like a knife in my heart so I no longer go on and it has helped so much in the healing process.
Life is too short, it’s such a waste of time to let every second of the day become consumed with your ex Narc, especially when he’s not letting every second of his day being consumed by you. This new person he’s with is not any better than you. We all have special people in our life, Some are #1 to us, some are #2 etc. but with a Narc no one is special ever! whether it’s you, her, the gas station attendant he got gas from this morning, the librarian, or the cashier at McDonald’s, everyone has the same place in line! Always remember that! That is one of the major things that helped me move on, I want someone that holds me up high, that thinks I’m special and so should you!
I hope you heal soon so you can start enjoying life again!!!!! XOXO
Beth D
August 17, 2016 at 10:55 amNo truer words spoken. It’s amazing that when we are with them we really think we are so “special”. When they hoover we think “awe, he can’t stay away and really does love us” The truth is just what you said. We are just convenient and really good supply. Nothing more nothing less. I will actually support your comment on with something my ex N said to me. When I found out he shagged his ex during a breakup/silent treatment and begged to know why his answer was “She was there and it was easy” Ugh How he got me back after that is beyond me but I made him pay in spades for a long long time. Of course declaring victory for myself because I thought maybe I had him under control… when now I realize I prolonged the agony and got caught up in the con games for another 5 years. One thing is certainly true about keeping contact. Hearing from your Narc ex equals POS with nothing to do aka low supply. When you think of it that way there is no nostalgia left. Move on…a great life is waiting for you with a peace that you can never get with these bastards. Keep up the fight Z! Love ya xoxo
Zari Ballard
August 26, 2016 at 1:55 amI just wrote a note to say I love and appreciate you and I don’t know if it posted so here I try again! I love & appreciate you, sister Beth! Thank you for visiting…it’s always awesome:)
Zari xoxoxox
Christine
August 16, 2016 at 1:58 pmTo everyone here, please do yourselves a favor and get out of the narcissist’s line! All of this nonsense is only a reflection on the narcissist and his/her inability to love. Please don’t waste your lives on crap that has nothing to do with you.
The “break-up” is all the proof you need to leave the narcissist for good. No person who cares about you will EVER treat you this way. Someone who loves you, will make you the priority. And you’ll KNOW you’re the priority too, from how you’re treated.
I realized this once I entered a normal relationship with my fiancee. He never dreamed of just disappearing on me with no explanation. He always regularly contacted me in between our dates, no matter how busy or tired he was after a work day–to let me know he was thinking of me. He tried to see me for dates as much as he could. Now, while living together, he’ll text me even if he’s just five minutes late coming home! In every way, big or small, he lets me know how important I am to him.
Please free yourselves so you can be open to real love…and close the door on these clowns for good!
Sick of BS
September 9, 2016 at 7:54 pmYep, u’r right…says it all in…
http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/05/23/how-to-stop-feeling-sorry-for-narcopaths-and-other-toxic-people/
Take care ppl…learn to duck & weave from the psychos with NO life
Noelle
August 15, 2016 at 6:34 pmIt took me literally an entire year to finally get over a Narc that I dated for about 8 months, was depressed the entire time I was with him and for an entire year afterwards but thanks to all your helpful insight and all the other countless stuff I’ve read online I can finally say I am 100% over that monster! He is currently living with his newest victim and although I feel so bad for knowing everything I know and not warning her as I wish someone would had warned me, I can honestly say I am just so happy it is not me! To all the people that are going through a hard time please just keep reading and reading everything you can about narcissism. You WILL eventually get through this. I never thought I would but I did and I just can’t stop smiling!!! I guess it’s all those smiles that had been stolen from me these past 2 years or so, they finally found their way back to me! Don’t give up!!!
Karen miller
August 15, 2016 at 2:01 pmThis is my life . I love your words . Thank you.
Zari Ballard
August 15, 2016 at 5:35 pmThank you and I’m glad you’re here, Karen:) xo