Narcissists, Lies & the Great Relationship Reset

Narcissists love to press the Great Relationship Reset Button. In pressing this imaginary button, the narcissist gets to waltz back into the relationship without any repercussions or consequences and just pick up from the point they left off. During the course of our time with the narc, we actually become used to this reset and even wait for it – for the proverbial hoover – hoping they will attempt it so that we can rid ourselves of the separation anxiety. We are actually willing to let it all go – whatever that may be – if only for the chance to start over and pretend that none of the awfulness ever happened.

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It’s a very sad situation where we, as women and men who happen to love a narcissist, unwittingly allow our expectations of the narc’s role in the relationship – and even the relationship as a whole – to get managed down to NOTHING. The narcissist, in order to succeed with the Great Relationship Reset, will tell whatever lie is necessary to receive a quick reprieve. In other words, the narc will tell us exactly what we need to hear and they will say it effortlessly even though it has no meaning whatsoever. Because we have likely been distraught by the narc’s disappearance or by our own relationship amnesia, we are amazingly willing to put up with all this reset nonsense…and the narc, of course, knows this and takes full advantage.

The Dynamics of a Reset

What typically happens during a reset – often at the end of the first 24 hours – is that we find ourselves still feeling uneasy. The morning may appear normal enough after another dose of the narcissist’s make-up sex and a kiss good-by but somehow we’re not left feeling warm and fuzzy as he or she drives off. Something is STILL wrong despite the fact that if we took the narc’s behaviors over the last 24 at face value, everything should be just fine. The narc certainly said all the right things and even did all the right things so what is the issue? Perhaps it’s all the things he or she DIDN’T do or say that is nagging at us. To start, the narc didn’t offer up where the hell he’d been the last couple weeks or a month or whatever. As usual, he didn’t want to talk about that because then we’d be vilified for bringing up the past and the narcissist HATES THAT. Or maybe it’s the fact that while the narc talked of moving back in as soon as he walked in the door, he didn’t say a damn thing about it in the morning as he was walking out nor did he offer up a time for when he’d be back again. Uh-oh!

Look, I don’t have to go on and on with examples of what a narc does and doesn’t do to make a Great Relationship reset happen. I call it seduce and discard and we all experience the same drill. And it IS a DRILL…a dress rehearsal of sorts…for a scene in this gigantic psychological operation that he has down pat. He or she would actually much rather have you feeling a little queasy as he drives off that morning. Indeed, the narc is all about keeping you in a heightened state of anxiety…on the edge of your seat…24/7 and now is no different. And if you mention that you feel uneasy, the narc ain’t going to comfort you, that’s for sure. However, he will look you in the eye and say something like, “Wow, I can see where this is going. You STILL don’t trust me and this is our problem. If you can’t find a way to fix that, this will never work” and off he’ll go, making you want to vomit there in the driveway. The only thing you can be sure of as you limp your way back into the house is that you made a very big mistake AGAIN and oh dear, what to do now?

First, we must instantly forgive ourselves for allowing a relationship reset. The truth is that we are “normal” people who naturally would want to hear what a partner who has betrayed us has to say.  Just because we do this and get blown off yet again, so fucking what? It’s nothing new under the sun and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It’s just another day in the life of someone who has a narcissistic personality. Sometimes we need that additional reminder that the fire still burns and THEN we can chalk it up as one more confirmation that we were right all along. Our intuition was spot-on after all. It may be a momentary set-back but it certainly doesn’t mean we have to start at square one. As long as we choose not to suffer on that second day when he or she gives us that queasy feeling, we will be okay. Our suffering doesn’t change anything, as I have said time and time again, and this is all we need to remember.

The Magic of Refusing to Suffer

Choosing not to suffer no matter how a narcissist behaves is the key to winning the round and getting our life back. It is the quickest way to re-train our brain back to normal and go about our business. The narcissist will return or not return whether we suffer or not so, given that choice, we have to choose to do our best to move along. If you can get into that mindset, I promise you that miracles will occur within your psyche that will completely amaze you.

Stay on this daily path of non-suffering and the next time the narc knocks on the door, you won’t feel the urge to jump up and answer. You might even feel, like I did, that DAMN, he was back WAY too early. This is how it worked for me after 13 years of being fairly inconsolable every time he left me. The day I chose not to suffer after realizing I’d been fooled again was a turning point I will never forget. I did reluctantly allow him back in twice after that but there was no third time. On the second time, I knew that I just wasn’t feeling it. When he left two days later, I knew it was for good and I swear to God, I’ve never shed a tear (over him) since and forgiveness had nothing to do with it. It still hurt, of course, and I grieved momentarily for that lost thirteen years but I, for the first time, KNEW it was done and that I would never allow another reset to occur ever again. It was a bittersweet moment and I remember it well.

You too can have that DEFINITIVE and bittersweet anti-relationship reset moment…and believe me, it is worth the wait. If you are truly ready to let this shit go, there will be no better feeling for you at that moment and you will remember it well, just like me, for years to come.