The Narcissistic Partner is a Pretender Extraordinaire

narcissist-pretenderSince the narcissist is unable to feel true human emotion (except for, perhaps, rage), he has, throughout life, learned to mimic the emotions he needs to get exactly what he wants. He is a pretender extraordinaire…an emotional impersonator…..and it’s no wonder we fall for The Lie because this person is really very, very good at what he does. He has to be because he’s a narcissist and narcissists are chameleons.

So, narcissists may have learned to adapt and conform in society but they’ve also created a very covert way to do it that is amazingly compliant to their own terms. By mimicking emotions and appealing to the goodness in the people that they target, narcissists and sociopaths have managed to rule the world on many different levels…from the lowest levels of society all the way to top levels of government. Simply put, they are fucking everywhere.

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Think about all the things the narcissist told you – particularly at the beginning of the relationship. During the Idolize phase, the N is shrewd indeed. Typically, he/she will love-bomb the hell out of you, showering you with attention, friendship, camaraderie, romance, and all those things you’ve always wished for in a partner. He’ll make you laugh until you cry and he’ll tell you how different you are from anyone else he’s ever been with. He’ll mirror every good quality that you have until you find it absolutely amazing how many things you both have in common. The relationship itself will feel effortless in just a short period of time and your heart will feel light as a feather. He’ll use the word “soulmate” to describe how he feels about you. You’ll start a sentence and he’ll miraculously finish it as if you share the same brain. Finally, you’ll have found a lover who is also your best friend…the romantic element we always dream about, right?

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You see, narcissists can read people very well. My ex used to brag to me about this talent – about how he could figure a person out in five minutes. Over a 13-year period, I watched him use this talent to get what he wanted out of his parents, his friends, his co-workers and to hurt those that he didn’t particularly care for. Of course, I was included in his narcissistic evil plan and certainly it was with me that he was able to hone his skills.

It is the narcissist’s uncanny ability to impersonate emotions that gets us, as their partners, into trouble. Especially at the beginning, we typically have no reason to believe that what we are experiencing isn’t real…that what this person is telling us isn’t true…..that what lies ahead isn’t going to be as wonderful as he promises us. Why should it occur to us that it is inevitable that things will take a dark turn?

Humans have a tendency to believe the narcissist’s pathological lie because it’s in our nature to want to believe. Narcissists know this because, as I said, they have carefully observed the way the world works. They have figured out that humans are basically driven by their emotions in everything they do and especially in romantic situations. The narcissist uses this knowledge throughout the relationship, building you up and breaking you down over and over until you become nothing but emotion. And then he’ll hate you for being too emotional.

The narcissist’s ability to fuck with our heads is how he gets to do whatever he wants behind our back without us ever really finding out. He’s able to create just enough suspicion to keep us filled with anxiety while never really giving us any cold hard facts. It’s all about creating uncertainty and making us doubt our gut feelings (which are never wrong). Whenever I attempted to call my ex out on a suspicious behavior, he’d defiantly say, “You can never prove that!” And he’d say it with the utmost confidence. In looking back, I can see that he never really denied anything…he simply stated that I couldn’t prove it and that was that. He knew exactly how to keep me separated from whatever other world he was playing in. I’m sure that you remember plenty of times where you found yourself apologizing for the soul purpose of apologizing even though it was he (or she!) who had created the conflict. You may have even fallen to your knees sobbing, begging to be forgiven…..for what? For catching him in a lie? Oh yeah, been there, done that.

What we experience with a narcissistic partner is trickery at its best. To get us wrapped up, the narcissist puppeteer puts on his best face, becoming a Pretender Extraordinaire…molding and shaping the emotional environment of the relationship in such a way so that he can have his cake and eat it too. To get back into our good graces after a discard, a narcissist spends a good deal of time future-faking (i.e. telling us what we want to hear), saying all those things we’ve been praying for him to say and making all kinds of plans with us that he has no intention of  hanging around for. Later, when you remind him of his own words and promises, he’ll respond with nothing more than a blank stare as if he hasn’t the slightest clue what the fuck you’re talking about.

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Again, narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths are very, very good at what they do! As we move into recovery or as we struggle with No Contact or even as we suffer through a silent treatment, we mustn’t spend so much time wondering “How did I get here? How could I have fallen for this crap? I thought I was an intelligent person…”. As human beings who long for love, although we might be wary of being fooled, the truth is that it isn’t in our nature to anticipate that everyone we meet (and are attracted to) is an out-and-out con artist and pretender. This doesn’t make us stupid or naïve or anything of the sort – but it can get us hurt (as we know) at least the first time around (and hopefully not the second).

With literally millions of narcissists walking the earth, the chances that we will meet one some where at some time in our lifetime is fairly inevitable. Our only means of protection – and I mean ONLY! – is to create relationship boundaries and deal-breakers and then commit to keeping and protecting them until the day we die. A narcissist can smell a boundary from a hundred yards away and, believe me, he or she will fall away of their own weight before even considering you as a target!

Stay strong and keep to your journey!

***Updated from 2014 article by Zari Ballard

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54 Comments

  • Elaine Baylis-Slade

    December 28, 2015 at 9:47 pm Reply

    Hello…
    Hi Zari…
    I have been on your site for several hours now reading a great amount of your articles and posts from your readers & subscribers. I would like to say that I am Impressed by your writing as well as your knowledge,compassion and advice. “You know your stuff” as they say…of that…I am convinced…so bless you for that…they also say that we learn something new every day…and I do…& today has been no different…thanks to comming here…so let me just say that every day is another insight…a real substance over time moment happens for us all …incrementally… instead of time over substance moments that seem to plague that type of narcissistic living cycle…My Story… exceeds even the 43 years that one of your male writers offered. My online research started for me roughly 3.5 years ago….researching passive agressive tendancies I knew were existing in my relationship with my spouse…long story short…about a year later…these searches & research gained…I then by, lets just say a miracle one night…found Melanie Tonia Evans…& in turn through her… Sam Vaknin, then, many others including Ulrich Osterhues…which is exactly where I found the link to your site…& I am glad that I did…My story if broken down into 5 or 10 or 15 year intervals…individually, they would probably match many of your subscribers stories… so in that sense, they would not be unusual …to you or your readers…I can only say that after those many years…I have probably experienced all & everything they have combined & then some. I lived with narcissism since childhood with an immediate family member who was also of a borderline personality…I inherited the borderline personality as well as learned it…I also know now that long ago I had already started to develope inverted narcissistic behavior…and when the narcissist was not around giving their abuse to my mother & 3 sisters because they had abandoned us for a spell to what ever…I know know I was exhibiting narcissistic tendancies… at age 19…I met another Borderline / narcissist… I married him at age 22… & as they call it …the “danse Macbre” continued… for a further 24 years …we seperated 4 years ago this January & it still goes on…The things I could tell you…you have most likely read…they would be the same but different as they are all over any blog site you would care to read…you name it as they say… even the ones I read here…I offer anyone to ask me anything they wish…I have learned many things in this time…and have much to share…you only need ask…Blessings zari on your works & to you all…

    • Zari Ballard

      December 29, 2015 at 7:31 pm Reply

      Hi Elaine,

      Thank you for writing…I love your insight and that fact that you’re a survivor of the “Danse” although it continues..good for you. If you ever get a chance, read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will, no doubt, resonate with you…indeed, our lives become interchangeable when we’re involved with these monsters. Thank you for sharing and feel free to write anytime and respond to posts. Your wisdom is always appreciated here….

      Blessings to you for the New Year! Be free and be happy!

      Zari xo

      • Elaine

        January 4, 2016 at 6:33 pm Reply

        Hello 🙂 …Hi zari
        Thank you for your response, blessings & good wishes sister…they are greatly appreciated. Since last writing you, & returning to your site to read more of your articles & more of other readers stories, I came across one particular post from another subscriber that had for a spell, outwitted her “N” partner by creating a psudyom dating profile.
        I have had many thoughts as to what indeed I might share with you & the other readers next, when there have been so many, it is hard to know where to start.
        So,tonight I thought I would share with you an outwitting of my own. I think she (the author of that post) yourself for sure and indeed some of your readers will appreciate this.
        I was never one for some gadgets…the computer being one…nor did I ever have a job where the use of one was required…that was the “N’s” domain at home & I did not mind…but… I am an observer…& a quick study & did work as the head of security for a major company at one time…an “n’s” worst nightmare…like you say… My story tonight starts when my N left our home… for work in another province…first time ever…It was his bigest discard moment in our 24 years. He had always worked local… but because I was in the process of standing up to him & starting to regain some of my power back…he felt of course that he had to up the anti…& take a job that would see him away for months at a time…home for a week in between…that way, he would be in control again…or feel he was in control of us again. When he left, I cancelled the internet & took back the modem…some of the accounts were in my name only…the phone & inertnet was one…The computer sat there for about 5 months untill one day…it donned on me…turn it on…see what you can find without internet…I had not gone near one unless I was looking at the screen when he was showing me something…& what I managed to find…was a bunch of big surprises…as you would imagine. Now here’s where the story gets somewhat sweeter. prior to this, with the help of a friend, I had been using their computer to correspond with my spouse…for the purpose of sending back & forth seperation agreements & legal documents & the like. & it hit me…my spouse had connected his laptop remotely to his computer before originally leaving & not being the brightest crayon in the box sometimes, he I assumed had left it that way & for good reason & I figure that he probably did not fully understand the whole concept of remote accessing or if he did it did not fizz him because he believed it had been disconnected…and many times underestimated me…but I let him get away with most cause I really did love the idiot… So I wrote him an email one day saying how unfair it was to my friend that I was having to use his as he uses his for his business & that I might be becomming a nuisance…. he was busy discarding everything so he had no problem when I asked if I could have “our” computer…he replied with yes you can have both of them & here is one of the passwords. Bingo…so I got full ownership & a password & email proof of it all & reordered internet. as soon as I hooked them up…it immediately recognised my previous credentials as owner of the account…same as before…I got advice from google & searched every inch of that computer inside & out untill I I had 3 other passwords that were well hidden…I was then able to spy on his every move ( but not ever in any way that he could tell) nor did I ever change anything…not a dot on a i or a cross on a t or a penny…I had access to everything…his bank, his phone, his email, his dating site info, his letters to everyone!!! and proof of the porn sites…etc etc etc…in other words…the works…I knew already his every move from living with him for so long…so nothing surprised me but the fact that…everything was still being done exactly the same as before…proof as we now know that they do not change for others either…their game is the same only different players involved that replace us…proof they are no more happy where they are …or living a better life like they try to get us to believe…their only happiness is in believing they have got something over you.
        I did this for 6 months. every day, untill he returned…with his new girlfriend in tow… He did nothing out of the ordinary except spend my support money on everyone & gave me all the proof I needed…he was mortified as you would expect at me having had this private inside hidden camera into his life that he wanted me to believe was so much better without me…& you can bet I paid for it…& still am…cause the fun just never stops…but boy…what a victory at the time… it was a one off for sure…we…whom ever they choose as mates are the stronger ones…they are the weaker of the two in these relationships, their life long goal is always to be in controll… in order to do this, they feel they must take away our power to level the field…they know that if they don’t, that they will never achieve the greatness they seek as we will in their minds always out shine, out perform & out love them. & they hate us & themselves for it…but can not stop from doing it…hope you enjoyed that small victory story…thanks for listening…one small leap for human, a giant leap for human kind…blessings & love to all X’s

  • Ashmom

    December 1, 2015 at 1:29 pm Reply

    It’s sickening to know these ‘narcs’ are so smart and use it all for evil, walking off into the sunset, leaving victims scarred the rest of their lives, pretending have a good marriage and procreating too making more narcs no doubt. (I hear they literally love themselves so much that they prefer masturbation – no suprise, and sex w them ain’t all that!). Of course all their other ‘friends’ will back them up to the gates of hell to help them trash the victims when done with them – why do people believe everything they are told? Yet don’t believe the victims? Mine was a workplace friend and we, or I guess just I, thought what a fun relationship, about a year. Didn’t go past platonic and when he cut it off he really did even tho he works in just a diff area now. Don’t even see him in passing but nature of the workplace. Has not contacted me at all in the seven months since he “broke away”. Agree lots of what he talked about and statements made he actually did it or was what he said, so it can sure be the clues right in your face while the con is happening. I had called him on stuff he did and said esp calling him a pussy OMG! But I think he couldn’t deal w me anymore which of course then I was the crazy bitch. Do Ns really all have the same vocabulary and tactics and if so when is the con gonna be up? They really eff up our psyche and head and it makes me feel us humans have no chance in this game we are in on earth, you know?

    • Zari Ballard

      December 7, 2015 at 3:00 am Reply

      Hi Ashmom,

      Yup, it sure appears that they all follow the same pathological relationship agenda whether their lovers, spouses, siblings, parents, co-workers, or just “friends”. but here’s the deal: it’s in no way abnormal for us to assume that the person that we are focused on and care about is telling us the truth at any given time. It’s not abnormal for us to trust this person’s intention. This is why we have the tendency, at least for awhile, to give these monsters a pass. It’s unfathomable that what they’re doing is deliberate…it goes against the norm of what we know. And then time passes and before you know it, we’re in it up to our eardrums. So much of it is passive-aggressive too and this is why we end up looking like whiners to anyone outside of the relationship. Yeah, it’s a fucking mess alright.

      I’m glad you’re out of it and that you don’t have to see this person every day even though you’re in the same place. Friends like that you definitely don’t need. As for what he says to others, as long as you stay silent, offering no opinion whatsoever, he’ll end up looking like the asshole that he is. Trust me, I know. There is power in your silence when it’s over. His mouth runneth over and the world does see it, girl. It’s just that they’re as dumbfounded as we were once and they haven’t quite figured it out yet. Narcissists are good at what they do and it just takes a while

      Stay strong and be happy! I’m here to support you…:)

      Zari xo

      • Ashmom

        December 7, 2015 at 6:09 pm Reply

        Zari, many thanks for replying and devotion to help others out of these messes. I keep up with your blog/news on this subject and other blogs, articles and books. I like to do my ‘research’ on things and certainly this subject qualifies to get back my sanity! I hope the people he still talks with do realize his assholeness and don’t get hurt. A lot of guys say he is an ass. It’s almost horrifying to realize since Ns mirror people that is who we are enamored with and then broken by in the end, ourselves! But we are also being shown our true good selves so that could be a positive. No wonder it’s a real mindfuck! I figure if I do see him I’ll act like he’s invisible and if he’s stupid enough to talk to me I’ll be gladly ignorant!

        • Zari Ballard

          December 7, 2015 at 6:51 pm Reply

          Hi Ashmom,

          Yes, acting as if they’re invisible is the appropriate response! Turn and walk the other way. And if they see us first and come over, then we act as if they’re invisible and we’re deaf. LOL

          Zari xo

  • Kristen

    April 20, 2015 at 3:27 pm Reply

    This article describes my situation perfect

  • CJ Johnson

    November 30, 2014 at 9:11 pm Reply

    So I read articles last night and I understand concept of No Contacr DIFFERENTLY FOR 1st Time in 2.5 years I see it has his issues his sickness my choices to keep doing ALL I COULD DO TO GET A smidgeon of approval of love of acceptance by another JUST TO BE BACK IN SAME lifeboat alone TIME AFTER TIME! Well for my Health and my belief in God and his total opposite view on Jesus I primise myself to RELEASE ALL ATTEMPT TO GO TO his spots TO CATCH HIM what GOOD WOULD COME?? Nothing A LIAR IS A LIAR IS A LIARVI CANNOT WASTE ANYMORE OF MY LIFE PURSUING A PERSON INCAPABLE OF LOVE..so I have begun my walk of NC with this last message / prayer to him, I dedicate to ALL who read these words God lives in He will always be there for you HE WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU! ” Hey XX you will be 1st I know if UmI have STD since you will need to share to other partners PLEASE do me the same courtesy..REMEMBER 80% do not have symptoms so if 1 of others tells you do me favor so I can live long happy life with grandchildren I have been blessed to have in my life. Your rage against women internally is a flame which will more than likely never extinguish but your destiny is yours alone when your ashes are spread God will be the one you answer to ~ There is a Heaven and a Hell you still have a choice to believe that Jesus was the son of God and the God of Israel! ~ Dear Lord help XX realize errors of his ways and how his mother’s rage which he said occurred and pain of daughters death will ONLY be healed by accepting your everlasting love And let him drink your eternal water and not the alcohol he does to rid the pain~ I pray for myself to heal from XX inability to love since true love only comes from you and replace my pain with your joy and love. In Jesus name Amen

    • Zari Ballard

      December 5, 2014 at 1:19 am Reply

      CJ wrote....I see it has his issues his sickness my choices to keep doing ALL I COULD DO TO GET A smidgeon of approval of love of acceptance by another JUST TO BE BACK IN SAME lifeboat alone TIME AFTER TIME!

      Hi CJ,

      Thank you for sharing and for the prayer. Yes, it is so true that they manage down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and they get away with more and more. And “alone in the lifeboat” is such a sad but beautiful way to describe how we feel each and every time. It is truly time to end the madness.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Carolynn

    November 22, 2014 at 4:15 pm Reply

    Hey Zari. Carolynn here from email the other day, where I told you about how I overcame my Narc ex. This excerpt in your post jumped out at me:

    “Our only means of protection – and I mean ONLY! – is to create relationship boundaries and deal-breakers and then commit to keeping and protecting them until the day we die. A narcissist can smell a boundary from a hundred yards away and, believe me, he or she will fall away of their own weight before even considering you as a target!”

    Oh WOW. No wonder my ex fucked off after I started keeping boundaries. He stalked me for 6 months and I just ignored him, which I’m sure drove him crazy. But he’s been pretty silent the last few months since I blocked him everywhere including his number and email.

    If he wanted, he could probably still get in touch with me. We share a network and he knows my mailing address.

    But I guess I’m not as fun with boundaries.

    Seriously, if someone doesn’t respond to my email, I take the hint that they don’t want to talk to me. Why in the world would you ever think the appropriate response is to try texting, calling, and social media stalking that person repeatedly? Take a hint, dude.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 24, 2014 at 10:43 pm Reply

      Hi Carolynn,

      Yup, boundaries that we commit to are BOR-ing to a narcissist and they can smell them a mile away. On the other hand, boundaries that a narcissist can cross are GREAT FUN and, believe me, he knows the difference. The narcissist has a knack for figuring out our soft spots from the moment he meets us and he starts crossing them immediately. We’re usually not even aware that these boundaries (of ours) exist because we’ve never had anybody try to cross them and this is why we’re always so confused in the beginning when the narcissist hurts us so bad. He strikes chords that no one else ever has. It isn’t until we are up to our ears in the crap that these boundaries become clear to us…after we watch the areas of our lives were he inflicts the most pain…that we start to step up and put our foot down. And we sure know what happens then, don’t we? POOF! Off he goes!

      You got it, girl!!!

      Zari xo

      • MissB

        July 3, 2015 at 12:19 am Reply

        I wish I stuck to my boundaries. I read through chats we had right in the beginning of our relationship. It was filled with ultimatums and boundaries. But I didn’t stick to them at all. Could have saved myself alot of trouble if I did.

        • Zari Ballard

          July 3, 2015 at 6:22 pm Reply

          Dear MissB,

          You’re not alone, believe me. Crossing boundaries is a narcissist’s favorite thing to do and everyone here has allowed their boundaries to be breached many times over. The truth is that our boundaries – once we create them and commit to them – are our #1 DEFENSE AGAINST THE PREDATOR. If you can, download my book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing from Amazon because it’s a workbook-style recovery book that has an entire section devoted to creating boundaries. I think it would help you:)

          Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Catherine

    September 30, 2014 at 11:17 am Reply

    Hi Zari,
    Things not good and I am very down.
    He has been gone 2 days and although there are photos of him all over facebook partying, I have only had one pathetic smiley face picture sent to me.
    He has time to do all that, but cannot spend ten seconds to message me, knowing how I feel.
    OCD going into overdrive.
    I know he has been single for many years before he met me, so maybe he not used to what is expected in a relationship.
    How I feel now, I am not going to reply if he messages me… what is the point? his messages are so infrequent and of little content…. not even worth it
    You know what, a simple “I love you and miss you” would make me so happy and secure…. that’s the sort of stuff I sent to him… but he cannot do that for me….
    Seriously… I am not even bothered now… sick of it, let him do what he wants…. from now on, I will do the same, stop being romantic, telling him I love him first, doing his washing and cooking for him all the time…. he should be lucky to have me… I am just switching off now b*!!ocks to him.
    I am sat in the office, knowing where he is and that he is having fun without me… and I hate that!
    I want to text him and dump him for the neglect he is making me feel, to hurt him when he is having fun.
    You know, we have been together 4 months and still not slept together.
    He has ever excuse under the sun, the most common one is that he is nervous around me, but he claims to be getting better, even though last week we did not even kiss or caress for a whole week.
    He seems to be an emotional retard and the rejection of sex is making me feel so horrible.
    Am I being harsh? I trust you to be honest.
    Not heard from him for 24 hours, yet when I was away with my friend I messaged him all the time, for every 7 messages I sent him, I was lucky to get one back.
    He just for some reason cannot do it.
    I told him I don’t want to know about his exes or his past (my main OCD hang up), so I don’t know what he has or hasn’t done.
    He seems inexperienced all round…. I doubt he is a virgin from the things he has said.
    Can you imagine how horrible I would feel knowing about his past lovers when he cannot perform with me.
    I feel absolutely terrible today.
    The stag do is today over there, the wedding itself is on Thursday, then they all have Friday and Saturday night out clubbing in Aiya Napa.
    I cannot focus on anything.
    I feel dreadful.
    Love Cat

  • Catherine

    September 22, 2014 at 2:05 pm Reply

    Hi Mimi,
    If you read some of my older posts, I told Zari exactly the same thing… literally EXACTLY.
    It drove me mad.
    If they were not telling me what they knew or heard about him, they would ask me if I had seen or heard from him.
    What part of “do not mention his name to me ever” do people not get?
    In the end, I had to cut them off completely, I was sad to have to do that, but I had no choice.
    I could not move on mentally whilst hearing about my one all the time.
    And even if they did not mention him, I was always conscious they knew something anyway.
    Months have now passed and I am now in a loving relationship with a normal man.
    Now that I do not care, I have slowly brought these people back into my life and the things I hear now about him do not bother me in the slightest, in fact I laugh now.
    You must cut these people out for your own sanity.
    I genuinely think in most cases these people are not being nasty, I think it is a case of them having a lack of comon sense, nothing better to talk about and a complete lack of understanding as to how these monsters have treated us and the way our brains are messed up so badly.
    Good luck, you will get there I promise.
    Love Cat

    • Zari Ballard

      September 23, 2014 at 11:14 pm Reply

      Hey Cat,

      I was just thinking about you and wondering how the hell the vacation was!!!!! Please fill me in and you better have had a wonderful time, girl!

      Love,
      Zari xxoo

      PS Great reply to Mimi…thank you!

      • Catherine

        September 24, 2014 at 9:06 am Reply

        Hey Zari,
        The holiday was lovely thank you, great weather, food and company.
        My boyfriend is off to Cyprus this Sunday for a wedding for a whole week, 30 blokes flying out there for a stag do etc… to be honest, the whole thing is stressing me out.
        I have realised that I have zero tollerance to anything right now.
        If I don’t hear from him for a few hours I get paranoid and miserable.
        This makes me sad as I know it is unfounded, it is a result of what I went through. To have trusted Martin the way I did and to have been shit on and betrayed so badly has had a detrimental effect on me.
        I am trying my hardest not to let it ruin things, but it is hard.
        I am absolutely dreading next week.
        My boyfriend is not the lovey dovey type, he has not had a relationship for years (I don’t want to know anything about his past) but I do know he has been single for a couple of years… so he is not used to consdering another person and being romantic.
        He has said he has waited a long time to meet someone like me and he would not date someone for the sake of it.
        He has no N tendances before you say lol
        He is lovely and has done nothing wrong, but I am reading into everything and my trust levels are zero (which again is sad as my boyfriend is the least likely womaniser on the planet)
        How will I get through next week?
        Other than that I am now ANGRY… I mean really ANGRY Zari….
        I want to kill Martin, I hate him like I have never hated anyone…. worst of all I am ANGRY with myself…. more than anything about the money I lost!
        The Game Console thing is the thing that gets to me the most…… he bought me a shit ring, lied about the price of it and then demanded I bought him the console as an engagement gift (which cost more than the ring)
        AND I BOUGHT IT!!!!!
        He desperately wanted it and there was no way of him affording it!
        And he got the ring back too in the end!
        I am fuming I did this and I so want revenge…. yet I know I will never get revenge or closure…
        And that is what does me in the most!
        I want to get the console and I want to smash it to pieces.
        I hate him and I wsih him a life time of misery.
        I curse that C*nt from the bottom of my heart and if he died tomorrow I would piss on his grave!
        And I never say that about my worst enemy.
        I need to deal with this before it consumes me.
        I bet you wished you had never asked lol.
        Love Cat

        • Zari Ballard

          September 25, 2014 at 3:46 pm Reply

          Hey Cat,

          Okay….breathe girl. Everything you are feeling right now is unfortunate but absolutely normal and yes, it’s all Martin’s fault. But boy oh boy, I sure wish you had at least gotten that ring out of it! OR the chance to smash that game console. I used to feel that too about everything I ever gave him or he bought on my watch while I got nothing. I understand completely and I’ll get back to that in a minute.

          But, sister, this feeling towards the nice guy…..you know where it REALLY comes from, right? It comes from the fact that you got involved with someone way too soon after the Martin mess. Waaaaay too soon. If you get a chance, read over the end chapter in both of my books because I talk about how I treated the nice guys like shit…didn’t even give them a chance. I talk about why it happens and how staying single is the only way. Of course, I never got as involved as you have gotten with this new guy but I guarantee I would have felt exactly like you do. I would have probably casually blown him off as soon as I knew he was going on the wedding trip. I wouldn’t have made a scene or anything like that but I simply would have mentally severed the involvement and disappeared (much like a narcissist) on the poor dude. I wouldn’t have given him a CHANCE to fuck up and it wouldn’t have mattered if he was one of the nicest, most normal guys in the world.

          Now, having said all that, the fact is that you DID get involved with a nice, normal guy (albeit not the most romantic) and he IS leaving for a party week in Cypress without you. So, what do you do? You obviously don’t want to break up with him, right, now that you’re IN it but you have to make some decisions overall. Cat, by not giving yourself some alone time to recover from the residual emotional damage of the Martin mess, you’re still carrying around the baggage. Sure, you may have gotten past the desperation part and wanting to “be” with him (Martin) and all that but the only reason that happened is because you caught somebody on the rebound. I was afraid this was going to happen. You don’t even KNOW for a fact how you’d REALLY be feeling right now if you hadn’t of jumped right back in to the dating scene. You bypassed that very crucial segment of the recovery….skipped it altogether. Now, you have to deal with the repercussions of that and it’s not going to be easy. BUT, believe it or not, the GOOD NEWS is that this new guy IS going away for a week and this is where you are going to get your chance to have some alone time. You MUST look at his trip from this perspective or else you will be wasting an opportunity. A week to try to catch up with the residual crap of the break-up isn’t much but it’s better than nothing! USE THIS TIME WISELY and this means no worrying about what he’s doing in Cypress. WHO CARES??? Worrying about it changes nothing. And besides, he’s given you no reason at all to think he’s going to misbehave in any way. YOU NEED THIS BREAK TO THINK ABOUT YOU…to think about WHY you are harboring unsubstantiated feelings and what you can do about it.

          Just because our relationship with a guy like Wayne or Martin ends doesn’t mean that everything that’s wrong with US goes with them. Our psycho behaviors are like the gifts they gave us that keep on giving – only now THEY don’t have to deal with them (even tho THEY created them!). You haven’t even had a chance to look at that. Grabbing a guy on the rebound right after the end was like taking a real strong pain killer – a pain killer that is now wearing off. Now, here comes all the anger toward Martin flooding in as well as a whole lot of intolerance and impatience and non-trust issues towards a guy who hasn’t even done anything to deserve it. But the thing is, you STILL to work through it because it’s never going to go away. You will continue to have angst and anger and you must stop now and get a handle on it. I’m grateful that you recognize these issues and because of that recognition, you WILL be able to deal with it, I promise.

          So, this is what you’re going to do, Cat, and I want you to follow as close as you can: 1) You’re going to STOP WORRYING about his trip and be GRATEFUL that you’re getting a break from each other. You NEED this time to think. Write me every day that he’s gone if you need to but let him go and WISH HIM WELL. Put him on that plane with a kiss and a smile so that you KNOW IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS that you gave him no reason at all to even CONSIDER doing anything that wouldn’t be conducive to your relationship. THE WORRY AND MISTRUST STOPS NOW. EVEN IF YOU FEEL IT, DO NOT SHOW IT. First of all, he doesn’t deserve it (yet, if ever) and EITHER DO YOU. YOU NEED TO START PRACTICING BEING A NORMAL PERSON AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO STAY WITH THIS GUY THEN YOU NEED TO START PRACTICING BEING A NORMAL PERSON IN A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP. My point is that since you jumped into another relationship before you were ready but still want to keep it, then you have to work with what you’ve got…and that is to PRETEND and POSTPONE. Pretend that you don’t care at all that he’s going on this trip. In fact, you hope he has a great time. And you know what? If he – by some freak of nature – fucks up, WHO GIVES A SHIT???? See ya!!! This week is a great test for him to see that “Hey…maybe she really is normal underneath it all!” and for you to practice standing on your own two feet and dealing with these feelings. If it doesn’t work out, it won’t be the end of the world. I wish you had waited a year and THEN met him because I guarantee, you wouldn’t be feeling any of these things because you would have owned and dealt with it already. But it is what it is and we’ll get through it.:)

          Cat, this guy isn’t doing you any favors by being your boyfriend…. YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! ACT LIKE THE PRIZE THAT YOU ARE, SISTER!!! I know you can do it and you know I’ll be here for you every minute…

          And as for the anger about Martin, the only thing that will heal it is time. And the same goes for the residual issues – time is the key here and I know this is true because I am living proof of that. I’ve been single two years now and I can honestly say that if I met someone now, I’d bring NO BAGGAGE to the relationship. I’ve NEVER been able to say that! This is not to say I won’t still have all my feelings about you-know-who but I’ve taken the time to deal with it and it sits in my soul in a different place. And it will for you too….:)

          Love,
          Zari xxoo

      • Catherine

        November 17, 2014 at 3:28 pm Reply

        Hi Zari,
        A very interesting update.
        I was out with friends yesterday at the pub.
        One of the ladies I was meant to be meeting said she was in the pub next door with Martin. She was one of the mutual friends and her and 2 others happened to bump into him.
        She was giving me the heads up that he was out and about.
        To be honest I really could not have cared less, that is the honest truth.
        She said she would have a quick drink with him as he had bought a round and that she would come and see me after.
        Ok, whatever!
        Ten minutes later she messages to say to me that Martin is thinking of coming next door to where I am with her and the 2 others….apparently he said that he had no problem with me, but if I did not want him coming in, he would stay away.
        So I tell her that I do not care either way (because I do not)
        So very shortly after, she walks into my place alone and the 5 minutes after that, Martin walks into the place that I am at with the other 2 and he stands right behind me sipping a beer.
        WTF? These are my friends who he only knew a little while whilst he was with me.
        My friends would not be rude and all spoke to him, but he clearly looked out of place.
        I did not acknowledge his presence and I carried on as if he was invisible, chatting and laughing to my friends.
        I could hear him behind talking about this and that, to be honest, a load of shit and trying to impress people and act like he is successful and happy.
        He stayed for ten minutes and left!
        What on earth was the point of that?
        Came in to where I was for 10 minutes?????
        He is still in a relationship and has his GF and her kids as his pictures, so it is not as if he is single again etc…
        I felt absolutely nothing Zari, I was not nervous, sad, angry, bothered at all.
        I actually surprised myself.
        My heart did not even speed up slightly as I thought it might.
        I now know I am definitely done with him.
        What do you think?
        Love Cat

        • Zari Ballard

          November 18, 2014 at 8:00 am Reply

          Hi Cat,

          OMG!! I got a knot in my stomach just IMAGINING THE SCENE (you being me, me being you, and Martin & Wayne being THEM!). Maybe YOU weren’t nervous but I sure the fuck was!!!! LOL Wow, well consider THAT out of the way, right? Anytime it happens after this and it will be a breeze. All he was doing was feeling out the situation…doing the thing that narcissists do…perhaps laying the foundation for a possible future hoover text (i.e. “Wow, sure was good to see you. You looked great. Hope all is well. Take care now…”). Cat, if you get that now or anytime in the future, have NO RESPONSE. Right now you are the winner!! The girl with the last word!! Even though you weren’t looking for that, I’m giving it to you because you deserve it. Would hate to see him try to flip it around and get a response. Even a bland, disinterested response would be enough so never give it up.

          Good for you, girl. So, so proud of you! I honestly don’t know how I would have fared…sure as hell made me think about it! LOL I swear to God, I put myself right in the scene as I was reading and I was like “No way!!!”..big old quick knot of sisterly anxiety pangs!

          Thanks for the great update….Martin was just being Martin…doing the only things narcissists know how to do…and you were perfect!!

          Love,
          Zari xo

  • Mimi Pollier

    August 22, 2014 at 4:34 pm Reply

    Hi Zari:
    Thank you for responding… Your right about the hoovering it’s just done to cause me pain pain pain.. his motives are purely evil and cruel. He certainly doesn’t care about me or my lawn.. I am still trying to heal, but i do know it will take awhile.. I thank you again for all your support and friendship. Best wishes Mimi xxoo

    • Zari Ballard

      August 25, 2014 at 12:29 am Reply

      Hi Mimi,

      Please continue to stay in touch with me, Mimi. My heart breaks for you, it really does. I truly think you need to end it either by messaging her or him or it will never stop. All he is doing is planting and replanting that little tidbit of hope in the back of your mind every time he pulls a weed or leaves a gift. It keeps you from really moving on, Mimi. I hope that you know that this guy is not a nice person. He was never a nice person. He left you high and dry. Good people don’t do that and normal people don’t act the way he’s acting now. It’s not about him not caring about you or your lawn, girl! He doesn’t care about her either! Or anyone else! None of this was your fault and I truly hope you know that. He’s just a very bad person and leaving you was HIS loss, NOT yours.

      Please don’t disappear in your sadness, okay? I want to know how you’re doing. Be happy, sister, and stay strong….

      Love,
      Zari xxoo

      • Mimi Pollier

        August 25, 2014 at 1:39 pm Reply

        Hi Zari:
        Yes, i will stay in touch with you defineatly. your blog and personal comments saved my life, it really did. i just have to let you know everything you describe about the N’s really is dead on accurate, everything. Your insight into these disordered people is so amazing.. i know he is a bad horrible person who doesn’t care about me or any woman for that matter… i just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart your comments with insight into my life really helped me get through each day. he wiped me out emotionally and left me… and did try to convince me it was all my fault.. thank you again sister and take care mimi xxoo

        • Zari Ballard

          August 26, 2014 at 1:42 am Reply

          Thanks, Mimi. I’m proud of how far you’ve come – always know that. And I’m here anytime you need me…:)

          Love Always,
          Zari xxoo

      • Mimi Pollier

        September 29, 2014 at 1:50 pm Reply

        Hi zari:
        How are you? You asked me to please keep in touch with you..
        and not dispear into saddness.. well everytime i think im doing fine i have a set back. I went to visit friends yesterday and the same thing happened at the end the night the million dollar question came up.. What would you do if he wanted to get back with you??? I was up at my friends house bringing cookies and visting with her sick husband and a guy brought the question up.. He said he believes he does the lawn work etc because he is keeping one foot in the door to return someday if his fling with the ow doesn’t work. I dont believe this is the case… This guy i know was very nice and supportive and was trying to give me good advice.. (he’s known us both for years). But then out of the blue my friend says No i believe he likes his life and is Happy.. She says its been too long he’s gone.. It made me feel so horrible about myself again.. I do know he is gone but how does she know about N’s and the way they operate.. Then she states he mows the lawn out of guilt.. But what guilt N’s don’t feel guilt, shame or love.. I went home that night and just had a horrible night sleeping.. People just don’t know how hard it is to recover from this.. they don’t know the pain that where feeling. Zari believe me i know he has dumped me for good.. i really know this. But when people blurt out that he is gone for good with this ow it still hurts it really does.. i know it hurts because i still love him and dont want to hear it anymore. Oh, i did say yeah he’s gone for good riding this motorcyle and drinking.. and with this skank of another ow. And you call this happy and having a better life.

        What do you think about people that are so insensitive and rude.. This guy i know was very nice to me. He says i hope for your sake he never returns but keeps asking what would you do?? My point its sad how we still hold on that one day these people could see our worth and value, but i know he never will. Just had to write you i feel so terrible today.. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Take care your friend Mimi.

        • Zari Ballard

          September 30, 2014 at 10:28 am Reply

          My Lovely Friend Mimi,

          I wish so much I could pack and bag and come stay with you for a week because I surely would. I am so sick of all this weirdness swirling all around you! Is this a small town or something???? I’ve forgotten if you’ve mentioned that or not but I picture Mayberry RFD in my head when I think of your situation. You are too nice, Mimi. It’s just not fair that..here you are being the wonderful person that you are, bringing cookies and visiting with only the best of intentions and YOU end up leaving with a knot in your stomach. As far as I’m concerned, NONE of them are being kind or nice or considerate – not the guy, not your “friends”, no one. What can we do here?

          Listen, I hate that I have to repeat the following but your statement “My point its sad how we still hold on that one day these people could see our worth and value, but i know he never will…. shows me exactly where your head is at again. Please read my words carefully, Mimi: THIS GUY IS A WORTHLESS, CHEATING, LYING PIECE OF SHIT. Do you understand that? Who cares if he realizes anything at all??? I’m concerned that you do not understand that HE is the problem….that this guy is a narcissist….a manipulative con man. YOU KNOW THIS. THIS MAN TREATED YOU HORRIBLY, MIMI.

          And, Mimi, I’m gonna have to step up here and speak on behalf of pretty much everyone I have ever corresponded with on this website. With utmost confidence, I’m telling you right now that NO, the majority of narcissist abuse victims (including myself) DO NOT in any way hold on to hope that these monsters will see our worth and value!!! Who cares if they realized it tomorrow??? This is THEIR loss, not ours. Do you honestly think that asshole left you because he decided YOU had no worth or value????? Mimi, the fact is that he left you because HE has no worth and value. He’s a narcissist, Mimi. THIS IS WHAT THEY DO.

          And as for WHY he mows your lawn, what does it matter??? Honestly, Mimi, he does it because YOU ALLOW IT. You refuse to stand up for yourself and tell him to stay away from that house. Narcissists do this all the time – they do something…one thing…that will keep all victims (current and past) in the queue. I don’t get it. That guy who said that your ex mows the lawn so he might have a place to stay in case his relationship doesn’t work out appears to have a bit of insight into the sinister narcissistic agenda because KEEPING US IN THE QUEUE IS WHAT THEY DO. BUT, MIMI, THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY. The truth is that he doesn’t care if knowing he’s been around hurts you. By mowing that fucking lawn WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, he is still USING YOU AND HURTING YOU.

          Let me ask you something, Mimi….Why do YOU think he mows that lawn and leaves gifts???? Never mind what I think or this guy thinks or what that awful girlfriend thinks (that he does it out of guilt which is a mean thing to say. I’d cut her off now.) Why do you think he does it, Mimi, and what reason could possibly be acceptable to you? Even if it were true (and I’m sure it’s one evil part of his reasoning) that he’s doing it because one day (could be days, could be years) he may get kicked out and need a place to stay, is that okay with you? Even if it were true that he was doing it out of guilt (which is impossible because he’s incapable of feeling ANYTHING), would THAT be okay given the fact that he left you high and dry and cared nothing of how that made you feel???

          Mimi, I’m telling you that I know how a narcissist thinks and this jerk mows that lawn because it’s an easy way to CONTROL YOU so that you never feel comfortable enough to move – and it’s very evil. It doesn’t matter if he’s keeping you in the queue or if he feels guilt or if he is realizing your worth (Jesus!!!), it’s got to stop! And like I said before, this other woman needs to know that he is wasting your time because I GUARANTEE SHE DOESN’T and that’s one way to piss him off so that it stops.

          This guy obviously (and very deliberately) did a number on your self-esteem, Mimi, and you took him at his word and I don’t know how to fix that. You are such a wonderful, beautiful person and I just wish you could see that and I’m not sure why you don’t. What is it about him that you still love after all this time? He was so mean to you…CRUEL, in fact. Don’t you feel that you deserve better even if that means learning to be alone and loving yourself first and foremost. Mimi, I have been alone for two years now. Sure, it’s hard and I’m still pissed as a motherfucker that Wayne messed with the what should have been the best years of my life. But I’d rather be alone than be with HIM and be cheated on and lied to and controlled and neglected and abandoned and used like a doormat whenever he felt like sex and someone else wasn’t around. This guy doesn’t deserve your WORTH and VALUE and who cares if he SEES IT, MIMI???? HE CAN NOT CHANGE AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO. He is using someone else now and that was his choice. Therefore, he can not be allowed to invade your space.

          Think about what he is doing…he pulls a few weeds and mows every once in awhile (WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE!!!) and look how it makes you feels. This is what he wants. He doesn’t want you to ever be happy. And, btw, either do these people. I don’t know about this guy…maybe he did mean well…but that girlfriend with the sick husband – tell her to get her own cookies. She’s a fucking bitch!

          I love you Mimi and I want to tell all of them off for you!!!! Please stand up for yourself. Do not allow this anymore…please…please….Don’t be sad. Do something nice for yourself….you deserve it. And when you feel sad, just make a choice to postpone it for 24 hours. Postpone the sadness. It’s a game I devised to handle my own grief – Postpone & Pretend. You can always feel sad tomorrow but today, pretend all is well. Then, the next day, do it again…postpone. Day by day.

          Write me back girl….please read my words carefully. I want to know what you’re really thinking. Other people…not the ex, this strange guy, or the inconsiderate girlfriend…should have so much effect on how you think and feel, Mimi, when YOU KNOW the truth. Stop letting them get to you. YOU DO HAVE THE POWER TO DO THIS…YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER, SISTER. You need to speak up.

          Okay, I’m done. Just know that I’ve always got your back, okay? I really do.

          Zari xxoo

          • Mimi Pollier

            September 30, 2014 at 8:48 pm

            Hi Zari:
            Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your words.. Yes, you are right about everything. I think he mows the lawn to screw with me. He knows i won’t be there and he sneaks up there to let me know he has been around.. If i was to try to call him i’m sure he would not answer his phone. So i believe its his little game to torture me so more. He knows i wanted to stay with him and he wants me to feel worse about myself. He never did the lawn when he lived there now you leave me and your doing the lawn. As far as my girlfriend, i know she can be very hurtful and insensitive. It always seems she does this to me when she isn’t feeling that good about her life. She would always say over the years he’s going to leave you. She did it because she knew it would hurt me. And here i am taking care of her husband when she needs me,. helping her with insurance papers, etc. Her husband has dementia and i have been trying to support her in her effort to take care of him at home. It seems people just love to hurt you when your down. I just want to say thank you so much your opinions mean everything to me. Sincerely Mimi

          • Zari Ballard

            October 5, 2014 at 8:00 am

            Mimi wrote.I think he mows the lawn to screw with me. He knows I won’t be there and he sneaks up there to let me know he has been around.. If I was to try to call him I’m sure he would not answer his phone. So I believe its his little game to torture me so more. He knows I wanted to stay with him and he wants me to feel worse about myself. He never did the lawn when he lived there now you leave me and your doing the lawn. EXACTLY!!!!

            Hi Mimi,

            See? I KNOW YOU GET IT, GIRL! You’re not giving yourself enough credit in this life and you should be giving yourself ALL the credit. I know you understand and I also know how hard it is, Mimi. He is doing what he is doing just to keep you in the queue and it’s not fair to you. You are SO RIGHT about how he probably wouldn’t answer the phone because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO. Spot-on, sister! And as for friends….when heartbreak occurs such as this, it’s amazing how quickly we see who our true friends are and who our true friends are NOT. And although it may be hard for you not to come to this girlfriend’s aid, being the sweet person that you are, this needs to be a time for MIMI and no one else. I would say differently if she was being compassionate about your situation but she is not and you should have no use for anyone who deliberately is hurtful. I understand that she has a difficult situation but your situation is no less painful and I don’t see you being anything but helpful and accommodating even with all the hurt you feel. No more. I remember it well, Mimi, and I had to let more than few friends fall to the wayside. You are going to be okay.

            Much love to you and keep checking in…I’m grateful for the updates and will worry if much time passes without one! Be happy because you deserve it and don’t ever forget that!

            Love,
            Zari xxoo

          • Zari Ballard

            November 8, 2014 at 11:43 pm

            Hi Mimi,

            This is your internet sister here checking up on you! When you get a chance, drop me a quick line to tell me if your okay. I hope things have been well and that’s why I haven’t heard. Otherwise, if you’ve been sad over you-know-who doing random chores over there and you haven’t written to vent, I’ll be so mad (just kidding – I could never be mad at you!!!). Anyway, just wanted you to know I was thinking of ya!!

            Love,
            Zari xo

          • Mimi Pollier

            November 10, 2014 at 2:35 pm

            Hi Zari:
            Thank you so much for checking in on me.. it made my day.. I’m fine still taking each day as it comes, spending alot of time these days with my sisters and aunt.. I’m doing okay. I hope all is well with you. You truly are my sister. I thank you again for all your concern about me. Hope all is well in your life… One day at a time.. Thank you again.

            Truly Mimi

          • Zari Ballard

            November 11, 2014 at 11:18 am

            Hi Mimi,

            Thank you for the reply…..that’s all I needed to know.:) Now you just go back to doing what you’re doing, spending time with family. Good choice of activities to keep your mind occupied. The point is to pass the time because time, I promise you, is busy healing you behind the scenes. I love you and I’m proud of you and I just wanted to know you’re okay. I’ll always be checking in on you, girl, so no worries there….

            Love always,

            Zari xo

          • Mimi Pollier

            November 11, 2014 at 2:25 pm

            Zari,
            God Bless you for caring about me so much. I truly want to thank you. Take care and always keep in touch, Mimi xxoo

          • Zari Ballard

            November 11, 2014 at 10:18 pm

            I will, Mimi:) Friends for life!

            Zari xxoo

      • Mimi Pollier

        September 29, 2014 at 2:31 pm Reply

        Hi again Zari,
        I just thought of one more comment to make. I’m still struggling with the fact why he choose her over me. It’s a stuggle i have and keep going over and over it in my head.. I hope in time it just vanishes from my brain. Do most woman on this site struggle with this? In time to you get to a place where it just doesn’t matter anymore (i hope it’s real soon)?
        Maybe if you meet another person it vanishes from you brain. Anyways the why He choose Her does truly hurt and hurt deep, especially when you’ve been with someone for so long.. Most people like my friends have never experienced a relationship with a N. They truly do not know what we feel like in side and how it leaves us. I truly hope i come out of this experience a better woman and person.. And futher more they do not even know what an N is thinking and what they are going to do (because this person lives his life from moment to moment never thinking about anyone but himself). Any input would be appreciated. I truly value your insight. Take care Mimi XXOO

    • blue

      September 15, 2014 at 12:53 am Reply

      Have to say that my ex N never could read emotions or me !
      He tried to use my emotions and he wanted me to get emotional all the time (so he could tell me I was a nut blah blah blah) but he could not read anyone
      He was so much the cerebral N He was out of touch with himself If I asked him how he felt he could not even answer me!

  • Richard Burchell

    August 8, 2014 at 12:26 am Reply

    Hello Zari! I am one of “those men” who are a victim of a narc wife, daughter, three sinisters and two nieces. I came from a horrendously dysfunctional family. I’m sure one of my parents was a narc, but I’ve repressed the memories for so long I don’t remember, nor do I want to. I met my narc when I was 17, the first and only woman I have ever been with. I was with her for 43 years of hell and hope, and I didn’t even know it. I knew something was wrong, but I was taught family was everything. My daughter is a vicious narc and used my Grandson as a WMD against me. When narc and I divorced, they were a team against me. I never knew what hit me. I am now utterly ruined in every way; you know what they’re after. No friends, money, home, stability, adored Grandson, ( she had him on purpose to gain supply, and as a way to control me). Two years after the D&D I found out what a narc was. What a shock that was! I had spent two years writhing in the agony of ignorance. I’m well on my way to recovery now, but I wanted to thank you for supporting us menfolk. We ain’t all bad. Peace.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 9, 2014 at 1:53 am Reply

      Hi Richard,

      Wow…I’m truly sorry you’ve had to deal with all that horror and evil because I believe that evil and horror is exactly what it was. Your the second guy who has written to me in a week who describes being surrounded by women narcissists and I honestly can’t even wrap my head around how sick that is. Male narcissists, I find, will almost exclusively work alone and that’s how they prefer it. The male narc enjoys wallowing in another person’s misery way too much to share the experience and, besides, he knows that he has appearances to keep up around normal males. Because women, as a rule, typically like to commiserate with and lean on each other about almost anything, the fact that female narcissists sometimes work together as a “gang” to inflict emotional harm on another person makes awful sense and usually happens when there’s a family full of them.

      Forty-three years is an unfathomable length of time to endure under that type of manipulation. Add to that the fact that you come from a dysfunctional family and basically you’ve lived life without a single shred of peace – UNTIL NOW. No doubt your narc has used your weak family history to target years ago and to isolate you over all those years. I feel very badly about the daughter but especially about the grandson and I hope that, one day, he will see the light and choose to connect with you again.

      I’d like to thank you for thanking me about supporting the male victim because I really feel strongly about it and I worry that it doesn’t come across. The other day, I was scrolling through the reviews for my first book (When Love Is a Lie) and this guy (who had obviously purchased and read at least part of it) emphatically stated that my “story was bullshit and that the author (me!) was no doubt a feminist and a man-hater and had no compassion for the male victim.” I felt so bad about that because it was clear to me that he was hurting and wasn’t finding the information he was looking for and what he said couldn’t be farther from the truth. Who even cares about being a “feminist” anymore and I am FAR FROM a man-hater. All I want is for ALL OF US to find the happiness that we deserve and I just hope and pray that we do! I wrote him a note back and referred him to this website to read and get support. And I also took his comment as a sign that I need to write more articles for the guys and I am committed to doing that ASAP! Richard, I know for a FACT that all men aren’t bad and, if anything, I would think that you might be having those feelings about women (and I wouldn’t blame you one bit!). You know, while it’s so unfortunate that we spent so much time (13-years for me) trying to fix something/someone that proved to be sooooo un-fixable, it also makes the case and point for the difference between us and them. Until the end of time, a narcissist, male or female, will always be an empty, loveless soul.

      Richard, you take of yourself and stay strong so that your recovery continues to progress. I wish for you safe passage wherever you may go!

      Write anytime…I’m always here:)

      Zari xxoo

    • Mimi Pollier

      August 26, 2014 at 12:39 pm Reply

      Hi Zari:
      I’m so sorry to write again.. but i need you. Last night i came home and again the lawn was mowed by the N but this time there was a note on the door stating Warning:: Your house almost got broken into today. You need to re-install your Alarm .. Well i checked around the house i saw no signs of entry. But all night i didn’t sleep. I was so frightned seeing i live alone now. I know it was his handwriting but of course he wouldn’t sign his name to anything. Why would he now start doing this.. Last week he asked my friend for my phone number stating he lost it. He wants to come up and start a motorcyle i have for me.. but of course never heard from him. First of all if someone was really trying to break into my house don’t you think a normal person would of called me to let me know or called the police. Needless to say he just got me so shook up.. Please what to you think of this f__up person.. Why is he doing this to me. He left me. Oh also i got a bouquet of flowers recently and i think he might of saw them through the window and is wondering who they are from (maybe this prompted the note). just a thought.. please advice and so sorry for keep writing… thank you for everything mimi

      • Zari Ballard

        August 31, 2014 at 4:46 am Reply

        Hi Mimi,

        Shit, sorry I am so late getting back to you again. Mimi, like I said in my last response, enough is enough. NO ONE TRIED TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE EXCEPT MAYBE HIM! He is purposely trying to get some type of reaction from you – this time by frightening you. PLEASE RE-READ MY LAST RESPONSE AND MY SUGGESTIONS FOR MESSAGING EITHER HIM OR THIS OTHER WOMAN. It must be done. You have got to put an end to him coming over to the house. Mimi, I am very serious here. It has got to stop. Even if he DID see the flowers through the window, all that means to me is that he was peeking in your windows!!!! Please do not misread his intentions, Mimi. He is a complete asshole and he is going to do everything in his power to make sure you never move on from the pain he has caused you.

        Please be strong and tell him to knock it off, that you can do your own lawn, and that if he doesn’t stop the bullshit you’re going to tell his girlfriend that she needs to tighten the reigns. I wrote a sample note of what you can say to either him or her in my last reply. Do not fall for this very intrusive tactic or take it as anything other than his way of continuing to control you. OMG – I could kill him, I swear. Please…it’s down to the wire here. He has no frigging right to be hanging around your property. It’s just plain weird, Mimi, and it’s got to come to an end. Why should you be spooked in your own house!!!! HE’S the boogeyman – no one else.

        Write me back…I’ll be looking for it. And, Mimi, you can write me everyday if you want…seriously, I’m always here for you (even if it takes me a few days to get back!) and don’t forget that.

        Love,
        Zari xxoo

  • mimi pollier

    July 23, 2014 at 3:10 pm Reply

    Hi Zari:
    I loved this article.. so true. I’m still going no contact its been months now.. day by day. But i still notice the N has comes up to the house and does the yard work.. have heard through the grapevine he has been asking how i am. Why would he keep coming up by??? He did so much to be with the ow… i will not contact him to say thank you because i can’t deal with the pain of that. Why do N’s do this?? You won’t believe how i feel when i know he has been there.. i feel like just crying, which i usually do.. What did he really accomplish by all this nonsense. Any thoughts? Thank you kindly Mimi

    • Zari Ballard

      July 25, 2014 at 4:11 am Reply

      Hi Mimi,

      I’m so sorry you are feeling badly, Mimi, and it makes me so mad because the way that you feel is exactly what the N intends. I’m sure I’ve said this before but you have to keep this in your mind at all times: the only reason that an N returns again and again (in any capacity – mowing a lawn, doing the yard work, asking questions, sending a text, leaving a gift, all of that crap) is to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. That’s it. It’s that mean and it’s that simple. Like the article states, he’s pretending….doing things so that you always have in the back of your head that maybe he really does care…maybe he really will come back someday. It’s so sickening to me. This is a narcissist’s whole life – keeping people in the queue so that he can use them someday if he really needs them. There is no other reason for ANYTHING that he does or says. In your case, I’d sure like to know if the OW knows that this guy is doing the yard work and asking around town how you’re doing. I doubt it. I mean, where does she think he is when he’s at your house mowing the lawn!? It’s all a lie. Everything an N does is to cause confusion and upheaval in the lives of those around him.

      NEVER say thank you for anything he does (which I know that you don’t) because it’s never done with good intention. Where are you when he comes to do the yard work? Does anyone actually SEE him do this? I’m just wondering why he feels like he has the right to even come on your property and that pisses me off even more because it is SO typical. How often does this happen? It’s kind of creepy to me.

      The only way to deal with it (because I understand more than you know how one little iota of contact can send us into a tailspin of sadness and confusion) is by one of two ways: 1) to either demand that it stop…that you don’t appreciate it…that you don’t want him anywhere near the house. If you don’t want to speak to him directly than call HER or send her a note telling her exactly whats going on, or 2) since you don’t actually have to see him, then be glad you don’t have to do any yard work and ignore it.

      Seriously, you’ve done so well sticking to No Contact. I wish he would just stop the nonsense too but I do understand his intention and it is purely selfish. Do not ever be fooled, if he didn’t want to be with this OW, he wouldn’t. And I don’t think for a minute that she’d be too happy knowing that he’s picking your weeds while never lifting a finger to water a plant at their house. Trust me, I know these assholes inside and out.

      Stay strong, girl, and keep me informed…….

      Zari xxoo

      • mimi pollier

        July 25, 2014 at 1:17 pm Reply

        Hi Zari:
        Thank you for your responding to my email. He comes up to the house when i am at work. I don’t know if anyone sees him but i did ask his friend and he said it was him.. What i chose to do is ignore it…Your right he choose to be with this ow surely not my wish.. He has spoken to my girlfriend about it and says he had NO intention of being with her he was just Helping her.. Can you believe that, helping her?? Then why did you get involved with her and torture me for the last year with your games.. and how confused and torn you where all over this looser.. You can never rationalize their behaviour. If i have learned anything over this last year. Is that anything they do and say never makes any sense. They lie to everyone and just have no capacity for love.. And NO Contact its the only way for survival because anytime i did contact him he made me feel like jumping off a bridge. Thank you again for all your insight. Take care Mimi

      • mimi pollier

        July 25, 2014 at 2:45 pm Reply

        Hi Zari:
        Just had a couple of more thoughts enter my head which can also help others reading this article.. when you said Pretend Petend keep pushing out your sadness and pain. that’s what i have been doing. also Fake it to you make it.. have been doing this also. No indivdual who has never gone through this N abuse would ever understand it and know what we are feeling or been through.. it surely is a very unique kind of abuse.. i just wanted to say that. And with the hope of God i hope someday i am a whole worthy person again. Thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement. You truly are helping people make it.

        Thank you again Mimi XX00

        • Zari Ballard

          July 29, 2014 at 6:36 am Reply

          Hi Mimi,

          FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! I love it and it truly does work, doesn’t it? And yes, it is definitely a very unique kind of abuse that people just can’t understand unless they’ve been knee deep in the shit! This is why we have to help each other through this no matter what and I am grateful to have the opportunity to help in any way that I can:)

          And BY THE WAY…..YOU ARE ALREADY A WHOLE, WORTHY, & BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!! And don’t you ever forget that, Miss Mimi!!

          Love,

          Zari xxoo

      • Beth d

        July 28, 2014 at 2:44 pm Reply

        Excellent post Zari….my ex was everything you would want in a man. They are masters at projection and yes he studied people to learn what made them tick. The point about them making sure you never move on is so true too. He constantly hoovered the first three years post break up but my boundaries were un breakable. Now it’s occasional contact and I will occasionally deal with him since I moved on to so much better. My ex favorite ploy is to contact me with business. I’m sure he could go to others but he will pretend his loyalty to me unwavering. At this point nothing he does affects me. I am so on to him that the only emotion I feel is pity for his dreary, empty life even though he would have you believe he is happy as a lark. We can’t take one thing they do personally. Mine doesn’t even deny he is a narcissist now……he truly can’t change. Accepting what he is made all the difference in the world. I spent so much time resisting it and trying to change him. I didn’t get to peace until I truly understood this was never about me….it wasn’t even about “us”…..it was always about him and his disorder.

        • Zari Ballard

          July 29, 2014 at 12:35 am Reply

          Hi Miss Beth,

          Exactly….knowing what they are, how they think, and committing to having unbreakable boundaries is the ultimate protection against an emotional attack from these monsters.

          I love that you check in here when you can….always great to hear from you!!

          Much love,

          Zari xxoo

      • mimi pollier

        August 13, 2014 at 1:48 pm Reply

        Hi Zari:
        Can i ask you how long it took you to get the place you are now and if you don’t mind me asking do you have another man in your life? ( I sure hope so because you deserve to).. Its’ just that last week was my b-day and he stopped up again when iu was not their with a gift. You can’t believe how it makes me feel inside.. I know he is still with the ow…. How long does it take to really get over all this.. I keep reading, trying and praying.. Somedays you feel good other days you feel really sad and down.. Just wanted to ask you how long you felt totally right again. I stay busy with work, family and friends. Even planning a trip soon.. I just keep thinking why did he choose this skank over me.. what does she really have and will it last… Do you think it is possible to recover fully from all this and meet a good person? Thank you in advance for responding.. PS. I’ve read on other websites it can take up to twenty-four months to get over this. Mimi

        • Zari Ballard

          August 22, 2014 at 3:48 am Reply

          Hi Mimi,

          Please forgive me for taking so long to answer your questions!

          Okay, in my second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, (which is all about the recovery process), I make the statement that the recovery time will probably take one month for every year we were in the relationship. For example, if a person was in the relationship for ten years and now it’s over, if she goes through the steps and really works on getting better, she can expect to have really made progress at about the 10 month mark. But this is just my opinion based on doing the exercises in the book which are really all about facing the facts and changing our perspective of this person who has caused us so much pain. Honestly, Mimi, it’s always going to “sting” even if the time where it absolutely crippled us has long passed but how we allow the narcissist to behave has a lot to do with it as well. I’m really pissed that your ex is so deliberately working on keeping you in the queue – it’s wrong, it’s mean, and it’s completely unfair to YOU!!!! He’s DELIBERATELY doing things (gifts, coming up when you’re not there to leave signs he’s been there, etc.) TO MAKE SURE YOU NEVER MOVE ON which is what narcissists do best. It’s got to stop, Mimi, and the only one who can stop it is you. Leaving a gift on your birthday may SEEM like a sweet gesture but when it’s done by a narcissist it has EVIL intent and I am absolutely right about this. He’s getting away with it and therefore he will continue to do it every chance he gets. So, how can you stop it? You can send a note to this ow, that’s how! I wouldn’t normally suggest this but ENOUGH is ENOUGH already. In your case, I think there is no other way to get him to stop hoovering. And, Mimi, it truly has to before you waste even MORE time. It’s just not fair. I don’t know if you know how to reach her and I don’t necessarily think you have to speak with her, but a note or message saying that you would appreciate it if she let your ex know that you don’t want him lurking around the house or leaving you gifts on birthdays and holidays ANYMORE. OR get a note or message to HIM saying Look, NO MORE PRESENTS or coming up here to do things around the yard that I never asked you to do. I want it to stop because I’m moving on with my life. There isn’t a single gift you could ever give me or chore you could do for me that would ever take away the pain of what you did so stop trying to relieve your own guilt. You will ALWAYS be guilty…do you understand that? If you REALLY want to help, you will LEAVE ME ALONE. I am NOT your friend and you are certainly not mine. No friend OF MINE would have ever done to me what YOU DID! So, stay away from here or I will find a way to let (the OW) what you’re up to behind her back. You’re HER problem now and I want to keep it that way. Mimi Seriously, copy that word for word and get it to him. He’s only leaving you gifts to hurt you and to keep you from moving on and that is what ALL narcissists do.

          As for me, I haven’t met anyone but I hope I will some day. Because of the books, I unfortunately have to think about my ex every day in one way or another. For the most part, the “sting” is dull but I’m not going to lie and say that I never have those “Why????” moments because I do. The difference between now and back then (and it’s going on two years since he walked out) is that the feeling really IS momentary. Do I worry about running into him? Yup, everyday. And I might as well tell you that he DID leave a nasty note in my car three weeks ago (opened my car door and put it right on the drivers seat – ASSHOLE) which freaked me out. I read a couple of lines of it and then ripped it into a thousand pieces. Basically, from what I gathered from the few words that I read, he finally found out about the book and the website (a little late, don’t you think???? lol). My guess is that a new girlfriend googled things (just like we all have, right?) which led her to me and, ultimately, to information about him and now he’s PISSED. Anyway, that’s all I want to say about that because I’m trying to forget it but, yeah, I cried for a few days on and off. It made me feel sad and mad AND ALL THE THINGS THAT THE NOTE WAS INTENDED TO MAKE ME FEEL even though I barely read it!!! How do you like that? I’m telling you, these guys are GOOD. And he KNEW how violated I would feel at the fact that he felt he had the right to just drive on up to my apartment and just OPEN my car door (it was unlocked). Why not just leave the note on the windshield? BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THE SAME AFFECT, THAT’S WHY – and he was right. I fucking hate his guts for that. Yup, he got me good for a few days there…but it’s done and I’m over it and life goes on. He probably expected me to send a nasty letter to his mom’s in response (which I used to do when I didn’t know where he was living during a break-up) but I did nothing. Can you believe that idiot? Here I am a writer and he KNOWS this so what did he EXPECT me to do when he never came back??? lolol Anyway, I really haven’t shared that story (although I do plan to write a post about it for the website eventually) but I felt it was appropriate here because you need to know that NOTHING they do during or after the relationship is with good intention.

          Please nip his bullshit in the bud so that you can work on things, Mimi. If I knew him, I’d be doing it for you because I am so sick of these motherfuckers and their shenanigans you have no idea.

          Please let me know how you’re doing and I’m so sorry I took so long to respond. I’m thinking of you, sister!

          Love,

          Zari xxoo

    • Mimi Pollier

      September 2, 2014 at 2:12 pm Reply

      Hi Zari:
      Yes, i was totally frightened last week by his note.. i just couldn’t believe it. I keep leaving work and going to my house to check on it then returning back to work.. then got a text from him about a mutual friend that got in an accident and that is critical care. I’ve just ignored both hoovers. Why even respond back all he is going to do is try to hurt me even more than he has already done. There is just no point in talking to him he still with the ow i would quess.. But you are right about all their antics its just a way to further the pain and if i did respond he would insult me and reject me. So im just ignoring it that’s what im doing.
      Hopefully someday all the pain will be behind me.. Ps. I never thought i would go this long without contacting him…. Thank you so much, i truly appreciate your friendship.. Take care Sister Mimi xxoo

      • Zari Ballard

        September 4, 2014 at 6:35 am Reply

        Hi Mimi,

        You are doing awesome, girl.:) You know, all you have to do is scroll back through this blog to your initial posts to see the amazing progress you’ve made. I’m extremely proud of you and I never want you to think otherwise. I just wish that he wouldn’t feel so entitled to pop in and out of your life – even when you’re not there (in many ways that’s worse!). Trust me, I’d be doing the same thing as you – running home every five minutes hoping to catch him in the act! It’s just a daily invasion in your life that you don’t need. Somehow he needs to know that NONE OF IT is okay and that he can’t have his cake and eat it too (because you and I both know that’s what they want all the time in every aspect of their lives!)! If I was there, I’d tell him myself and save you the trouble, believe me! LOL

        You’re a great girl and an even better friend! Always thinkin’ of ya, sister!

        Love always,

        Zari xxoo

      • Mimi Pollier

        September 19, 2014 at 1:38 pm Reply

        Hi Zari:
        How have you been, fine i hope.. i just wanted to make a comment about people who keep telling you about your ExN.. ever time i turn around someone is telling me what he said about me and about his skanky ow.. Why do people do this.. It happened again yesterday when i was speaking with my good friend. I just don’t know why she keeps saying have you heard from him?? And then proceeds to tell me what he has said (he’s kinda friends with her husband) or how they say him with her.. it’s just so hurtful. Has this ever happened to you? And what’s the purpose of it. i never ask about him and her because i know it will destroy me, i don’t want to know anymore.. i know enough. What do you make of people like this? Do they do it to hurt you intentionally? When you have a chance reply back i do know you are very busy.. Take care and thank you Mimi xxoo

        • Zari Ballard

          September 20, 2014 at 12:39 am Reply

          Hi Mimi,

          I was just thinking about you! Listen, you brought up a very good point and I probably should write an article about it. I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about and it SUCKS. I can’t tell you how many times over the years someone would just have to mention him, ask about him, bring it up, offer unsolicited information, etc. It would give me an instant knot in my stomach and I’d want to throw up. I just couldn’t imagine what would make people want to even do that given the fact that they must know how hurt I feel about the whole thing. Here’s how I solved that and it may not be that easy for you to do it but I got so sick of it that I simply cut them off. No more. As soon as someone did that, I made a mental note that that was the end of that. I wouldn’t respond to it at all. In fact, I’d cut them off mid-sentence by saying “ANYWAY….”, making it very clear that the conversation was over. OR I’d say, “Who cares? Why would you even tell me that? I don’t want to hear about it at all.”

          Now, close friends should obviously know better but you still may have to tell them. Cut them off instantly and be firm about it. Hopefully, a close friend would get the hint immediately. But here’s the deal: you should ONLY have to tell them ONCE. If you have to tell them again in the next conversation, cut the ties. Seriously, CUT THE TIES. If they push the issue after you’ve done that, say “Because every time I talk to you, all you do is want to tell me about XXXX and I’m done with that. I told you that once and you still do it.” You DO NOT have to put up with that at all.

          As for WHY they do it. Well, unfortunately, yes..there are a lot of people in this world who like to push those buttons. It’s like they can’t help themselves. Truthfully, you are at a point in the break-up AND IN YOUR RECOVERY where you’re really going to start noticing who your real friends are. And it’s amazing how short the list becomes.

          Personally, I didn’t have any problem with ending certain relationships – especially those where they were still friends with the ex. I had no desire to even talk to them because even if we were talking about something entirely different, in the back of my head I knew that they knew all kinds of things that I didn’t want to know. Do you get what I mean? In my case, the people that I was really close to couldn’t stand my ex because they had seen what he did to me and how I suffered over the years due to his behaviors. Therefore, they were thrilled that it was over and were more than happy not to ever mention him again.

          This is another aspect to the break-up that gets tricky – especially in cases like yours where the relationship was very, very long and where mutual friends had been made. You have to decide how important these people are in the grand scheme of things. Is it worth it to hold on to these “friendships” when they obviously don’t have your best interest at heart? Do you even want to engage with people who you’ve known (and who know the situation) who would even think about telling you what asshole is saying? I mean, what kind of person does that? I think there was a name for that – “fair weather friends” or something like that.

          And you know what? The next time someone does that, there’s nothing wrong with you saying…”Really? Well, next time you see him, be sure to tell him that I’d prefer he doesn’t come around here at all for anything – not to mess with the yard or leave gifts or whatever. And why don’t you tell him when she’s around because I’m sure she has no clue he still comes by. It’s like he stalks me, it’s creepy. And lets stop talking about him anyway – I’m sick of it.” At least make their gift of gab useful on your end for a change and then nip it in the bud!

          Honestly, Mimi, I don’t have a whole lot of people I hang with anymore. There are people I work with and neighbors and some others, sure, but there are days when my phone doesn’t even ring and I’m okay with that. And for you, it doesn’t have to be forever. Eventually, after enough time passes, you either won’t care about being around these people at all (really, what’s to miss?) or they will have learned to keep quiet about anything having to do with him. Anyone who is compassionate would know that yapping to any person about your ex in hurtful. I, too, would wonder why they do it and I came to the conclusion that in some twisted way, they did do it to hurt me. I’m sure that you – just like me – wouldn’t even think of doing that to a girlfriend who just went through all that.

          I hope that helps, sister. Stand up for yourself. Who cares if they think you’re being a bitch? Be aware of who’s doing it and who isn’t and then start weeding out the diehards. All the others, wait until the next time they say something to state your peace or do it first. Remember that you should NEVER have to say it more than once. And never engage in the conversation at all. But, yes, to answer your question, this is an unfortunate fallout of the relationship. The EXCELLENT NEWS is that you’ve come SO FRIGGING FAR I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE IT!!! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU, MIMI….I REALLY AM!!!

          Write me anytime…you know I’m always here for you:)

          Love,
          Zari xxoo

        • Zari Ballard

          September 23, 2014 at 11:13 pm Reply

          Catherine wrote to Mimi…..

          Hi Mimi,
          If you read some of my older posts, I told Zari exactly the same thing… literally EXACTLY.
          It drove me mad.
          If they were not telling me what they knew or heard about him, they would ask me if I had seen or heard from him.
          What part of “do not mention his name to me ever” do people not get?
          In the end, I had to cut them off completely, I was sad to have to do that, but I had no choice.
          I could not move on mentally whilst hearing about my one all the time.
          And even if they did not mention him, I was always conscious they knew something anyway.
          Months have now passed and I am now in a loving relationship with a normal man.
          Now that I do not care, I have slowly brought these people back into my life and the things I hear now about him do not bother me in the slightest, in fact I laugh now.
          You must cut these people out for your own sanity.
          I genuinely think in most cases these people are not being nasty, I think it is a case of them having a lack of comon sense, nothing better to talk about and a complete lack of understanding as to how these monsters have treated us and the way our brains are messed up so badly.
          Good luck, you will get there I promise.
          Love Cat

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