For narcissist abuse victims, the key to recovery is finding support from those who actually know what we’re going through…and by this, I mean really know what we’re going through. Family and friends who try to console us grow weary of the drama and sometimes run the other way – and we can hardly blame them. Even the victim knows that unless a person has truly experienced a relationship with a narcissist, they’re simply never going to “get it”. As a result, we resort to suffering in silence, scouring the internet for answers day after day, and recovery seems light years away. The truth, however, is that support is the only way to ever get out of the rabbit hole!
While many of you who visit here have already utilized my consultation/support services, there are so many more that either don’t know the service exists or, worse, don’t understand the importance of such a service. This type of support, no matter where you find it or who provides it, is important because it encourages an action that is vital to finally ending our relationship addiction with the narcissist: the action of talking about what happened. If you haven’t considering speaking with me one-on-one, you need to. Everyday, I receive emails and comments from women and men who feel isolated from those family members and friends who can’t understand the dynamics of being involved with a narcissistic abuser and it is for this reason that I’m writing this post. It’s time to consider expanding your method of recovery because, in doing so, you will speed up that recovery three-fold. I guarantee it.
The Path of Least Resistance
Not having a sounding board for what we’re going through is, I think, one of the biggest reasons that we slip so easily back down the rabbit hole at the first sign of a narcissist’s hoover. Without the ability to vent, the sadness and anxiety just soaks in. Suddenly, it’s easier to simply go back to the one person who obviously understands the problem because – shit! – he created it! We go back to this person in hopes that he’d care as much to fix it (once and for all) but he never does.
Many tell me that they’ve tried professional counseling and therapy only to come away with the feeling that they are the ones with the problem…that the narcissist is just a symptom of their own personality flaw…that they, as victims, are the problem…that they somehow can’t recover unless they accept responsibility. To hell with that, I say! I refuse to subscribe to the “victim-blame” style of recovery and it’s not because I don’t feel that, as partners of narcissists, we don’t have a hand in our codependency because surely we do. I don’t subscribe because, to me, therapy that focuses on victim blame is completely counterproductive to recovery from narcissist abuse because of the type of abuse that it is. A narcissist spends the entire relationship falsely projecting blame onto his victim even though it is he who commits the worst emotional crimes imaginable. How can we subscribe to any style of therapy that appears to subscribe to the narcissist’s agenda? I can’t and I won’t and either should you. Therapy is awesome as long as you know that the therapist knows about these types of personality disorders. From what I’m told by people who’ve tried, therapists and psychologists either “get it” or they don’t so pay attention. There’s can be no in between. The relationship dynamic between narcissist and victim is different than even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships because of the depth of the betrayal and manipulation.
For those of you who have friends, family or a therapist who understands, this is a rarity and please take advantage of it. But for those who don’t, this is why I’m here. I’m not a therapist but I’ve walked in your shoes. By simply working together, we’ll cut your recovery time in half, empowering you to move forward. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to the narcissist because you’re riddled with anxiety and have no one to talk to. Trust me, one conversation and it’ll feel like we’ve known each other forever. Contact me and we’ll come up with a strategy.
With narcissist abuse, recovery has to be a team effort. There simply is no other way. We have to help and support each other. Talking about your experience with people who “get it” will free you from the suffering. Find your sounding board. The whole point is that you know that you are NOT in this alone. Life is short, YOU deserve to be happy, and the time to make a plan is now:)