Narcissist Abuse: Finding Support When Nobody “Gets It”

talkingFor narcissist abuse victims, the key to recovery is finding support from those who actually know what we’re going through…and by this, I mean really know what we’re going through. Family and friends who try to console us grow weary of the drama and sometimes run the other way – and we can hardly blame them. Even the victim knows that unless a person has truly experienced a relationship with a narcissist, they’re simply never going to “get it”. As a result, we resort to suffering in silence, scouring the internet for answers day after day, and recovery seems light years away. The truth, however, is that support is the only way to ever get out of the rabbit hole!

While many of you who visit here have already utilized my consultation/support services, there are so many more that either don’t know the service exists or, worse, don’t understand the importance of such a service. This type of support, no matter where you find it or who provides it, is important because it encourages an action that is vital to finally ending our relationship addiction with the narcissist: the action of talking about what happened. If you haven’t considering speaking with me one-on-one, you need to. Everyday, I receive emails and comments from women and men who feel isolated from those family members and friends who can’t understand the dynamics of being involved with a narcissistic abuser and it is for this reason that I’m writing this post. It’s time to consider expanding your method of recovery because, in doing so, you will speed up that recovery three-fold. I guarantee it.

The Path of Least Resistance

Not having a sounding board for what we’re going through is, I think, one of the biggest reasons that we slip so easily back down the rabbit hole at the first sign of a narcissist’s hoover. Without the ability to vent, the sadness and anxiety just soaks in. Suddenly, it’s easier to simply go back to the one person who obviously understands the problem because – shit! – he created it! We go back to this person in hopes that he’d care as much to fix it (once and for all) but he never does.

narcissist-abuse-supportMany tell me that they’ve tried professional counseling and therapy only to come away with the feeling that they are the ones with the problem…that the narcissist is just a symptom of their own personality flaw…that they, as victims, are the problem…that they somehow can’t recover unless they accept responsibility. To hell with that, I say! I refuse to subscribe to the “victim-blame” style of recovery and it’s not because I don’t feel that, as partners of narcissists, we don’t have a hand in our codependency because surely we do. I don’t subscribe because, to me, therapy that focuses on victim blame is completely counterproductive to recovery from narcissist abuse because of the type of abuse that it is. A narcissist spends the entire relationship falsely projecting blame onto his victim even though it is he who commits the worst emotional crimes imaginable. How can we subscribe to any style of therapy that appears to subscribe to the narcissist’s agenda? I can’t and I won’t and either should you. Therapy is awesome as long as you know that the therapist knows about these types of personality disorders. From what I’m told by people who’ve tried, therapists and psychologists either “get it” or they don’t so pay attention. There’s can be no in between. The relationship dynamic between narcissist and victim is different than even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships because of the depth of the betrayal and manipulation.

Schedule a Consultation

For those of you who have friends, family or a therapist who understands, this is a rarity and please take advantage of it. But for those who don’t, this is why I’m here. I’m not a therapist but I’ve walked in your shoes. By simply working together, we’ll cut your recovery time in half, empowering you to move forward. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to the narcissist because you’re riddled with anxiety and have no one to talk to. Trust me, one conversation and it’ll feel like we’ve known each other forever. Contact me and we’ll come up with a strategy.

With narcissist abuse, recovery has to be a team effort. There simply is no other way.  We have to help and support each other. Talking about your experience with people who “get it” will free you from the suffering. Find your sounding board. The whole point is that you know that you are NOT in this alone. Life is short, YOU deserve to be happy, and the time to make a plan is now:)

Much Love,

Zari

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11 Comments

  • Agatha

    September 1, 2016 at 5:22 pm Reply

    IMPORTANT POST ABOUT THERAPISTS:

    Zari, your blog is amazing and it is being very helpful for me. Thank you!

    I was involved with a narcissist, in a long-distance-relationship, for 3 years. During the “relationship” I broke up and moved back with him for thousands of times, however, last January I broke up with him for good. From time to time, we develop some work together. Last April, I met him again and finally realized he is a narcissist. All of his behaviors, compartmentalized life, triangulation, cell phone game, lies, manipulations, abuses, grandiosity and lack of empathy made sense for me at that time. He never assumed me as his girlfriend and one time when we were discussing that, he said: don’t you think you are too old to demand that from me? I will never be able to forget his cold eyes when I was crying and he refused to support me and just said “I am being honest with you”.

    I think most of the times, therapist can’t help after the narcissist abuse, but in my case was even worse, because the therapist practically threw me on the arms of the narcissist. After a very painful break up with a non-narcissist boyfriend, I decided to make psychotherapy. In the meantime, I met the narcissist with who I was involved. Different from my ex, he was charming, successful and highly educated. My therapist said with these very words “finally you met a man for you”. He told me that he was not divorced, but was separated from his wife for 10 years. I didn’t see any red flag at that moment. He used to visit his family every 2 to 3 months, because they live in different states, and at the beginning I naively imagined he used to be hosted in a hotel. However, in the first Christmas during “our relationship” I discovered he used to stay in the house with his wife and kids. He said he didn’t sleep with his wife, but anyways, for me, this was a huge red flag. When I learnt that, I had already bought a plane ticket to visit him and I considered giving up of the trip and of the “relationship”. However, my therapist convinced me to go and she used arguments like that – if he is separated, he is not going to have an affair with his own wife; he is a successful man, then I can conclude that he is an honest person; everyone changes and soon he will be assuming you as his girlfriend; if he doesn’t do that, you will break up with him.

    The therapist was not aware that narcissists are charming, have a very compartmentalized life and that they search for success to supply their egos. And worse, she was not aware that, after be hooked by a narcissist, there is a possibility to be addicted to them. And she knew that I had some co-dependent traits, because we discussed that.

    I don’t know if my therapist hadn’t say that, if I would be brave enough to break up with him before that visit and if I would keep my decision for good. However, what I know is that this “relationship” was the most painful experience I had in my life and that I am now much more aware of whom I am than four years ago. And what I can say for sure is that some therapists are not prepared to recognize a narcissist and help their patients to avoid them.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2016 at 10:59 pm Reply

      Hi Agatha,

      I’m grateful that you got away but girl, PLEASE consider booking consultation time with me next time because I can help where these loser therapists can not. I marked your post as important because I agree, there are many many therapists who don’t get this at all and it’s horrible. They either get it or they don’t…there seems to be no in between! When it comes to this weirdness, only someone who has been there, done that can guide a person out of the rabbit hole.

      EVERYONE: If you’re determined to speak to a “therapist” to recover, PLEASE perform due diligence and find the right one. If you just want to get better quickly, book some consultation time with me. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and I’ll set you straight. Guaranteed.

      Zari xo

  • Cat

    June 16, 2016 at 6:41 am Reply

    Thank you! A friend who “always” understands told me that once I’m “over it,” I can rent a room to the narc next time he’s looking for a place.

    I kept wavering with “no…yes….no….yes…” and ended with a “hell no!” She doesn’t understand just what we have dealt with from the narcs, but will never admit that. She just gets all chirpy and peppy and says I’ll be fine…which I will, but I resent the tone/attitude about it.

    Does everyone find themselves re-evaluating all their other friendships after going NC with a narc?

  • Jean

    June 14, 2016 at 1:26 pm Reply

    Hi Zari , I have been reading your newsletters through emails for along time now, I was with my n for 5 years , I was lucky my family and friends refused to leave me , I nearly lost them all but they stuck together and would not let me go , I read what you said that that is rare for that to happen, I was about 3 years into the relationship when his sister who had never got on with him seen a program on television on narcissism and said she thought he had it. I started to read all about it , she was right , I thought now I know maybe I can live with it and see the signs so I carried on for another couple of years, no no no , then I came across you and your articles you saved me along with my family , 2years now not letting him near me , he still call to give me verbal abuse or try’s to be nice but now I don’t answer, he leaves voice mails but not heard from him in2 months , will never ever let that monster back into my life , every word you have said in your articals was spot on and I have saved every email thanks so so much Zari

  • Dr T. Roberts

    April 4, 2016 at 3:27 am Reply

    To all those here who have commented and to all those whom sadly will come to these pages, my love and blessings are with you all in your time of need. My experience of narcissistic abuse is not only professionally as a clinician but also from personal experience. I hope I am not breaking any rules of this blog by suggesting you read my article on the subject here http://www.bournemouthhypnotherapy.co.uk/narcissistic-abuse/ Given the comments above I hope that it will be of use and comfort. Heartfelt thanks to Zari for her excellent work and raising awareness of this subject/

    • Zari Ballard

      April 4, 2016 at 4:06 pm Reply

      Hi Dr. Roberts,

      No rules broken and thank you for sharing…..

      Zari xo

  • Christine

    March 22, 2016 at 5:53 pm Reply

    You hit the nail on the head with this post. I seen a therapist after the 2nd discard, and she refused to acknowledge NPD, that I discovered on my own, by a Google search of the silent treatment. I eventually stopped seeing her. And I sadly returned to the Narc and was discarded again the day before VDay (sound familiar?). But this last time I watched it all unfold as it has in the past, but only this time I knew what was happening. It hasn’t been as hard this time around. I’m thankful for the silent treatment. But fear the hoover because I think he’s probably wondering why I’m not begging for him to talk to me. I actually have a filter on this email that will bounce back that this email no longer exists, and I have blocked him from every outlet possible. I have also lost trust in supposed professional help, and greatly rely on the Internet to read, read, read. Thank you for your work. I will be purchasing your books!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      March 24, 2016 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hi Christine,

      Yes, it is my experience in speaking and corresponding with soooo many people who have tried professional therapy to get through this that they either get it or they don’t. There is no in between. I believe my books will help because they will absolutely validate you. I am not surprised at all that bad therapy can send you right back to the beast that was hurting you…after all, he created it…we assume he can fix it. But he can’t. This is the saddest part of all.

      Keep in mind that I do provide phone consults that are very different than any therapy you’ll ever find. I help you to change your perspective…to see it for what it is…to see the ABSURDITY of the narcissist’s behaviors and how it is NOT your fault. The last thing you’ll want to do when you hang up the phone with me is call the N – LOL. And that’s the whole point! We’ve got to help each other until the medically profession updates itself. I do think it’s getting better and that there are great counselors out there who do (and have taken the time to) understand this dynamic….but they are still far and few between.

      Good luck to you, sister! I’m here if you need me…

      Zari xo

  • Pete

    February 5, 2016 at 6:18 pm Reply

    My experience with a female narcissist, to whom I was married and subsequently divorced, has been an exhausting, emotional roller-coaster. I will tell everybody here and now…you cannot help these individuals. I know, because I tried to do just that. What happens is they “come and go” via the “I am sorry” routine. You let your guard down. The minute they sense they have you back (emotionally) they become abusive ( emotionally, if you simply talk to them) again and BAM they are gone. It will ALWAYS be “your fault” despite ample proof they are the cause of why you find yourself, where you do. My advice, after trying to be understanding for over 2 years is this: “Cut them out of your life completely. You may feel you are helping them, but you are wrong. You are enabling them, because they are some of the sickest people (emotionally) you will ever encounter. Nobody is immune from their manipulations…trust me on this. Cut the strings and run. You may be lonely, but it beats being abused by a long shot. Life will improve, trust me.
    ( It probably cannot get much worse, right?)

  • Rosemary

    February 5, 2016 at 2:03 pm Reply

    Thanks, Zari. The point about therapists in these cases is important. I went to speak to one soon after meeting my narcissist, and he said he saw no red flags!!! He obviously had no training in this area! And the point about friends and family – I lost friends over it. They think they are dealing with normal ‘man’ behaviour, or I kept getting “maybe you are not compatible”, which was one of the worst comments because it missed the point, downplayed what I was being put through, and almost equalised the blame between me and the narcissist for the dramas.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 5, 2016 at 3:17 pm Reply

      Hi Rosemary,

      Yup, that’s it…sorry that you had that experience. It really is difficult to find someone among our immediate circle that has experienced it to give us support. Then, when we put our faith in a therapist, it can take a very bad turn if the one we pick doesn’t get it. We feel bad enough going in, right? Just so sad.

      Zari xo

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