Narcissist Abuse: Finding Support When Nobody “Gets It”

talkingFor narcissist abuse victims, the key to recovery is finding support from those who actually know what we’re going through…and by this, I mean really know what we’re going through. Family and friends who try to console us grow weary of the drama and sometimes run the other way – and we can hardly blame them. Even the victim knows that unless a person has truly experienced a relationship with a narcissist, they’re simply never going to “get it”. As a result, we resort to suffering in silence, scouring the internet for answers day after day, and recovery seems light years away. The truth, however, is that support is the only way to ever get out of the rabbit hole!

While many of you who visit here have already utilized my consultation/support services, there are so many more that either don’t know the service exists or, worse, don’t understand the importance of such a service. This type of support, no matter where you find it or who provides it, is important because it encourages an action that is vital to finally ending our relationship addiction with the narcissist: the action of talking about what happened. If you haven’t considering speaking with me one-on-one, you need to. Everyday, I receive emails and comments from women and men who feel isolated from those family members and friends who can’t understand the dynamics of being involved with a narcissistic abuser and it is for this reason that I’m writing this post. It’s time to consider expanding your method of recovery because, in doing so, you will speed up that recovery three-fold. I guarantee it.

The Path of Least Resistance

Not having a sounding board for what we’re going through is, I think, one of the biggest reasons that we slip so easily back down the rabbit hole at the first sign of a narcissist’s hoover. Without the ability to vent, the sadness and anxiety just soaks in. Suddenly, it’s easier to simply go back to the one person who obviously understands the problem because – shit! – he created it! We go back to this person in hopes that he’d care as much to fix it (once and for all) but he never does.

narcissist-abuse-supportMany tell me that they’ve tried professional counseling and therapy only to come away with the feeling that they are the ones with the problem…that the narcissist is just a symptom of their own personality flaw…that they, as victims, are the problem…that they somehow can’t recover unless they accept responsibility. To hell with that, I say! I refuse to subscribe to the “victim-blame” style of recovery and it’s not because I don’t feel that, as partners of narcissists, we don’t have a hand in our codependency because surely we do. I don’t subscribe because, to me, therapy that focuses on victim blame is completely counterproductive to recovery from narcissist abuse because of the type of abuse that it is. A narcissist spends the entire relationship falsely projecting blame onto his victim even though it is he who commits the worst emotional crimes imaginable. How can we subscribe to any style of therapy that appears to subscribe to the narcissist’s agenda? I can’t and I won’t and either should you. Therapy is awesome as long as you know that the therapist knows about these types of personality disorders. From what I’m told by people who’ve tried, therapists and psychologists either “get it” or they don’t so pay attention. There’s can be no in between. The relationship dynamic between narcissist and victim is different than even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships because of the depth of the betrayal and manipulation.

Schedule a Consultation

For those of you who have friends, family or a therapist who understands, this is a rarity and please take advantage of it. But for those who don’t, this is why I’m here. I’m not a therapist but I’ve walked in your shoes. By simply working together, we’ll cut your recovery time in half, empowering you to move forward. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to the narcissist because you’re riddled with anxiety and have no one to talk to. Trust me, one conversation and it’ll feel like we’ve known each other forever. Contact me and we’ll come up with a strategy.

With narcissist abuse, recovery has to be a team effort. There simply is no other way.  We have to help and support each other. Talking about your experience with people who “get it” will free you from the suffering. Find your sounding board. The whole point is that you know that you are NOT in this alone. Life is short, YOU deserve to be happy, and the time to make a plan is now:)

Much Love,


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  • Agatha

    September 1, 2016 at 5:22 pm Reply


    Zari, your blog is amazing and it is being very helpful for me. Thank you!

    I was involved with a narcissist, in a long-distance-relationship, for 3 years. During the “relationship” I broke up and moved back with him for thousands of times, however, last January I broke up with him for good. From time to time, we develop some work together. Last April, I met him again and finally realized he is a narcissist. All of his behaviors, compartmentalized life, triangulation, cell phone game, lies, manipulations, abuses, grandiosity and lack of empathy made sense for me at that time. He never assumed me as his girlfriend and one time when we were discussing that, he said: don’t you think you are too old to demand that from me? I will never be able to forget his cold eyes when I was crying and he refused to support me and just said “I am being honest with you”.

    I think most of the times, therapist can’t help after the narcissist abuse, but in my case was even worse, because the therapist practically threw me on the arms of the narcissist. After a very painful break up with a non-narcissist boyfriend, I decided to make psychotherapy. In the meantime, I met the narcissist with who I was involved. Different from my ex, he was charming, successful and highly educated. My therapist said with these very words “finally you met a man for you”. He told me that he was not divorced, but was separated from his wife for 10 years. I didn’t see any red flag at that moment. He used to visit his family every 2 to 3 months, because they live in different states, and at the beginning I naively imagined he used to be hosted in a hotel. However, in the first Christmas during “our relationship” I discovered he used to stay in the house with his wife and kids. He said he didn’t sleep with his wife, but anyways, for me, this was a huge red flag. When I learnt that, I had already bought a plane ticket to visit him and I considered giving up of the trip and of the “relationship”. However, my therapist convinced me to go and she used arguments like that – if he is separated, he is not going to have an affair with his own wife; he is a successful man, then I can conclude that he is an honest person; everyone changes and soon he will be assuming you as his girlfriend; if he doesn’t do that, you will break up with him.

    The therapist was not aware that narcissists are charming, have a very compartmentalized life and that they search for success to supply their egos. And worse, she was not aware that, after be hooked by a narcissist, there is a possibility to be addicted to them. And she knew that I had some co-dependent traits, because we discussed that.

    I don’t know if my therapist hadn’t say that, if I would be brave enough to break up with him before that visit and if I would keep my decision for good. However, what I know is that this “relationship” was the most painful experience I had in my life and that I am now much more aware of whom I am than four years ago. And what I can say for sure is that some therapists are not prepared to recognize a narcissist and help their patients to avoid them.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2016 at 10:59 pm Reply

      Hi Agatha,

      I’m grateful that you got away but girl, PLEASE consider booking consultation time with me next time because I can help where these loser therapists can not. I marked your post as important because I agree, there are many many therapists who don’t get this at all and it’s horrible. They either get it or they don’t…there seems to be no in between! When it comes to this weirdness, only someone who has been there, done that can guide a person out of the rabbit hole.

      EVERYONE: If you’re determined to speak to a “therapist” to recover, PLEASE perform due diligence and find the right one. If you just want to get better quickly, book some consultation time with me. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and I’ll set you straight. Guaranteed.

      Zari xo

  • Cat

    June 16, 2016 at 6:41 am Reply

    Thank you! A friend who “always” understands told me that once I’m “over it,” I can rent a room to the narc next time he’s looking for a place.

    I kept wavering with “no…yes….no….yes…” and ended with a “hell no!” She doesn’t understand just what we have dealt with from the narcs, but will never admit that. She just gets all chirpy and peppy and says I’ll be fine…which I will, but I resent the tone/attitude about it.

    Does everyone find themselves re-evaluating all their other friendships after going NC with a narc?

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