Lol this Melody chic obviously hasn’t encountered a narcissist. I hope one day you do since you think you know it all. Miss holier tjan thou , sit your ass down!

Hi Melody, By the condescending tone in the above comment, you give the impression that you feel as if you have it together so much more than myself and the 4000+ others who have commented here. But the truth is that the very fact that you spend time trolling support blogs is contradictory to that impression. Inadvertently, you come across as having a far more serious problem with insecurity than the rest of us here will ever have. So, thank you for writing!

Hi Patty,

You wrote…All I can say is wow, hope I don’t meet another, but if I do, it will shine as bright as the sun, clouds or rain, I will see the giant red flags! That’s the ticket, girl! Go forth and be happy!

Zari:)

All I can say is wow, hope I don’t meet another, but if I do, it will shine as bright as the sun, clouds or rain, I will see the giant red flags!

Dear HeNeverLovedMe,

What a great post…thank you and I apologize for the delay in responding. Trying to catch up but I am a good month or two behind:( You typed the best three words I could read…I am free…and you need to be proud of yourself. The hardest thing to wrap our head around is the fact that we really weren’t that important. Once I grasped that, like you I felt free. We make ourselves out to be far more important than we are in their lives…but this is normal. As normal humans, we WANT TO BELIEVE THAT THIS PERSON WE LOVE IS TELLING US THE TRUTH. You can’t fault yourself for that. Be thankful you got out at three years…you made the correct choice for you and your family! I am so sorry for what you went through…it sounds like it was a complete nightmare. I wish you the best in your life…peace, happiness, and all that. You deserve it all, sister:) Thank you for sharing…I loved it:)

And yes, to be “charmed” is a bad thing because it smacks of being being under a spell and we know how a narcissist can do this……Good for you for breaking that spell!!

Zari:)

Hi kellie,

I hope things have improved for the child because no one ever wants to see a child in pain. However, if you’ve re-connected with the narc over your concern for how he is handling it, watch the behaviors carefully. A narc will also try to make the situation about himself whenever he can or make you feel as if you aren’t doing “enough”, blah blah. You know what I mean…

Certainly, in these types of situations, things can get tricky. When my ex’s mom was dying at the age of 62, we had been broken up for two years. He came knocking at the door and left me a couple of FB messages which I didn’t see until way too late. Anyway, he came to the door and I cried like a baby but I didn’t answer it. I knew that no one in his life could possibly understand the love/hate relationship he had with his mom but I just couldn’t do it. And sure enough, she passed away and I never heard from him again except from other people who said he was doing just fine! So there you go….

Zari:)

Hi kellie,

A narc can, of course, mimic an emotion but the truth is that they are detached from the entire situation. I hear it time and time again how the narc just isn’t “there” when the family needs them the most. For one, narcs, as a rule, simply can’t deal with a crisis if its not about them and therefore they can’t communicate or even commiserate in a productive manner. I would have to say that, in my opinion, if someone whom you think is a narc is actually being attentive at the bedside, emotional, and concerned over and about someone who is seriously ill or in a life-threatening situation – especially if this person is a child – then this person is likely not a narcissist.

I hope that helps and I’m sorry for the delay in responding…

Zari:)

Anyway, until I read this article, I couldn’t figure out how he could give me up so easily. We shared so many fun times and romantic experiences and laughs and passions, we had so much in common, he was so very good to my children from my previous marriage. And the sex was mind-blowing. The first year was magic, like something I thought only happens in movies. But then the predictable cycle of devaluing me began. He used the silent treatment. We would argue about something completely inane and inconsequential but that made him furiously angry, and then he would ignore me for days, walking through the house and acting like I wasn’t there while I stared at him in shock. He did this in front of my children, and to my eternal shame I let him. He would pick huge fights over nothing, especially when he knew I was already in a depressed or bad mood, and then once he saw that he’d gotten a rise out of me, he would smirk and point out how emotional I was and accuse me of loving to fight, while I gasped for air and didn’t recognize myself or the ugly words coming out of my mouth. I have never fought with anyone like I fought with him, and I swear to God Almighty that I never will again. It wasn’t me, it was nothing like me, and while I can’t blame him for my behavior, I also can’t believe the side of me that our fights brought out. I felt like I was losing my mind. Who was I, and how did I become this person? I never knew what to expect out of him on any given day. Push, pull, seduce, ignore, act as the world’s best father figure to my children while casually insulting me under his breath…it was traumatic, and I was addicted. He once broke down our bedroom door with a crowbar while drunk. A mutual friend witnessed it and told me later that it was the craziest thing he’d ever seen him do. The next day he was contrite and agreed to go to a therapist because I gave him a real ultimatum and said I would leave him if he didn’t address his anger and alcoholism. He saw that therapist a few times, said they mostly just talked about college football, and then stopped going completely. To hear him talk about it now, a year later, breaking down that door and swinging a crowbar around at me was no big deal and I overreacted, like I always do. The children were with their father that night, thank God. But I remember cowering in the bed wondering if I would have to protect myself with my gun once he finally broke through. I will never forget how scared I was that night. Our friend being there may have kept him in check.

Every time he traveled on business, he would make sure we had a massive fight right before he left so that he could go dark on me while he was gone. And he would seduce me with words, telling me all of the ways he was going to make love to me when I saw him, only to take a sleeping pill or drink himself into a stupor or simply go to bed in another bedroom as soon as the children were asleep and I was ready to go. He used sex as a weapon, doling it out less and less frequently to punish me while assuring me that he could have it with anyone he wanted if we broke up, and making sure I knew that he pleasured himself often because I picked so many fights and made his life so unhappy. It was my fault that he went to bed alone, you see. I had dared to disagree with him or complain about one of his more outrageous behaviors. They say all narcissists cheat; I never had any reason to think that he did, but he could have. As a very good-looking and athletic front man for a locally popular band who traveled constantly, he had many opportunities to cheat. I don’t know that he did, but he could have and I wouldn’t be the wiser. I have made an appointment with my doctor to be tested for STDs just in case.

When I ended things, which I did because after three years we were no closer to marriage than we’d been the first day I met him, and because I was sick to death of the gaslighting and narcissistic abuse and his rampant alcoholism, and I didn’t want to raise my children in a household where their mother was shacking up with a man outside of wedlock, he exploded with such rage and hatred that I still get chills thinking about it. The look on his face was one of pure malevolence and his voice changed to that old, high-pitched, almost old womanish tone that I know so well when he’s about to say something absolutely devastating. I’ve never made any secret about my intention to be married again one day, and he knew he’d been stringing me along for years with no intention of following through on all of his future faking. When I confronted him, the mask slipped off forever.

I’m still trying to figure out how this man fooled me for so long, and until just now, I couldn’t understand why he let me go without a fight. Surely I wasn’t so replaceable after all our shared history? But I see now that he doesn’t consider our years together to be a shared anything, and his “history” is whatever he wants it to be at the time, whatever suits him. He’s been divorced three times already (RED FLAG) and once remarked that he could barely remember any of his time with his former wives. I found that very odd, because I’ve been divorced for several years but can still completely remember many of the day-to-day aspects of my marriage, special days and occasions, etc. He told me it’s all a big blur to him, that he can barely remember what they even look like.

And now I know why–the women were all interchangeable cogs in his sick, narcissistic machine. And so was I, I just didn’t realize it yet.

I could go on and on about this but having spent the last two days feverishly reading the excellent articles and shared stories here, I know enough to give up on him and move on. A few days ago, I signed a lease on a new apartment that I will share with my precious children and beloved dog. I’ve joined several groups on Meetup to socialize with people in the area who share my interests. I have a newfound drive to succeed at my career, and I look forward to spending more quality time with friends and family. Most of all, I’m genuinely excited–elated, even–to be leaving this demented, broken weirdo behind. We own a house together but it sold very quickly and will be closing soon. That meeting at the lawyer’s office with our agent will be the last time he ever sees me–he just probably doesn’t know it yet. Full NC is just days away and I can’t wait. It still hurts, and I still miss him, but now I know that what I miss is the fantasy future I had planned out in my head. I miss the fake him, the liar, the confidence man, the soulmate who never existed. My need to be loved and my trusting heart overpowered my critical brain, but thanks to this experience, I will never let that happen again. My narc will never know this, but he has done me a tremendous favor by letting me see his true, monstrous self.

I am free.

Thank you so much for this blog, your articles, and your replies to the people who share their stories. You may not be fully aware of how many lives you’ve saved, or how much comfort and support you’ve given to so many, so let me make it clear: you are doing God’s work here. Thank you, Zari!

Hi Dillan,

As I always say, the female narcs are actually the worst and there’s an article on this website saying so. I also wrote a book for the guys about the female narc. However, since this blog is about what I’ve learned from my own experience, I write about the boyfriend:)

Zari

Good for you, Kay! Hell yeah he was wrong! And by the way, he was only projecting. There is no weaker deep down than an empty narc:)

Zari xo

Hi Mark,

She behaves the way she does, ignoring you at work etc, because she has a narcissistic personality and this is what narcissist’s do. She doesn’t feel “scared” and she doesn’t even feel “broken”…all she is trying to do is make YOU feel bad so that you always have angst about the break-up. You are getting the silent treatment…that’s all it is. Look, I personally have a hard time feeling compassion for people who are mean and who don’t care how they hurt other people and who don’t want to sincerely fix their situation. You can feel sorry for her because she passed up a good man but what good does that do if SHE doesn’t feel that she lost ANYTHING. And sure, they all say narcs lack self-esteem and that may be true but THEY don’t think so so what does it matter? She obviously is mean to the kids to not allow them to acknowledge you but again, that’s a typical narcissistic mother.

You are in a weird situation because she’s a co-worker and that’s unfortunate. If you can avoid her at all costs, you should do that. Separate yourself from her mentally by consciously avoiding her. It’s all you can do.

Zari:)

Zari,

I do understand, but now need some help into her actions. I have moved into the ostricise mode. We are co-workers. She doesn’t speak or even look at me. She avoids me to the point that it is even effecting her work. She hides in her cubical most of the day, and when I walk into her work space she leaves. Why is this. Is she scared or is something else going on. I do still feel for her, but I know she is a broken women due to her self worth, or lack of it.

When her kids come by they run over to me and play or hug and she gets on them to go back to her. I don’t know if I still have loving feelings towards her, or feel sorry for her knowing that she passed up a good man. He k I had excepted who she was and her children and she discarded.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you will reply.

V/r
Mark

Sorry…I did answer your question either below or above this post…

Hi Mark,

No, not really. They might get a little annoyed or butt hurt but it never lasts long. As always, a narc just picks up and moves on. When you don’t have a conscience or any sense of attachment to anything, this can be done. So, no, they don’t “break down” or “melt down” over who they are or because they are who they are. If they could melt down, they might actually be remorseful which means they could maybe be helped or fixed. But we know that will not happen. So, it is what it is. I wish I had better news but I don’t….

Zari:)

Hi Monica,

Yes, I would say that the big ski weekend absolutely confirmed it! He’s a full-blown asshole narcissist and you are better off without him. He and that bitch Jane deserve each other because I’ll tell you what, he will do the SAME to her eventually. Block him at all costs so that he can not contact you even if he wants to. You deserve so much better. He is a deceiver and he is absolutely cruel. Yikes! Look, you can do this, girl. If you’d like to talk about it. consider booking a consultation . Together, we could a work out a “getting-back-to-normal” strategy. It’s all about changing your perspective of who he is and what he does. Believe me, I am certain the people who have been watching from the sidelines do not see him as this wonderful person. This guy is feels falsely entitled to be an asshole. His true colors are shining through. YOU are going to be just fine….

I would keep my distance from the crowd, though, for awhile. Understand that you can NEVER reconnect with these people even just as “friends”. They don’t understand what friendship even means. Create your boundaries and commit to them for life. It is our only protection from the evils of this world.

Stays strong…I am here to support you….

Zari xo