Hi Mag,

I understand about forgiveness as well but when we are trying to recover from this type of strange and bewildering abuse, focusing on forgiving this person before we allow ourselves to move forward simply doesn’t work. The forgiveness will happen over time naturally as it should. When we’re involved with these types of people, we forgive and forgive and forgive throughout the entire relationship and all it does is keep us in the cycle. All I’m saying is that it doesn’t need to be a prerequisite for recovery because we’ve been doing it all along. Narcissists UNDERSTAND that empaths will forgive and forgive and so they use it to inch their way back. Victims become “trained” in this manner and to forgive becomes just another way to “justify” going back. You discuss addiction and forgiveness as if we are dealing with a person with “normal” dysfunction and we’re not. I am very big on forgiving ourselves for staying too long or for not seeing the ruse – in THAT, I agree. Without a doubt, I feel that we MUST forgive OURSELVES for our part in it to begin the recovery but to have to forgive the narcissist in order to begin? No, not so much. Once recovered, we don’t hate anyone at all – even the narc – and the forgiveness happens naturally. By that time, though, we’re already in a safe zone and can handle it without moving in the wrong direction. Again, thank you for writing.

Zari:)

I’ve just stumbled on your post. Everything you say about the N completely makes sense and that I can identify with. I have filed for divorce after 16ys of marriage and two gorgeous boys. I would rather be up to a firing squad than continue with this relationship ship as either way your dead anyway.

I’ve been on the receiving end of the silent treatment for nearly a year now and he still lives in the same house with us albeit another room, which absolutely suits and is convenient for him, he has another woman or should I say victim, sleeps out weekly and does whatever he feels like doing with no consideration to the example he should be showing our teenage boys.

I know that the next few months will be rocky as the Divorce NIsi beckons, he wants to sell our family home to leave us financially ruined although he has another property he could move into.

I found the comment where you described using the silent treatment as a way forward of establishing no contact so very useful as I do not speak to him anyway and also your comments on forgiveness spot on.

Anyway I am looking forward to this arsehole being out of my life in the not too distant future and whilst the emergence of a new dawn awakes and I will most likely experience trauma bonding I am satisfied within myself that I have absolutely made the right decision to end this chapter of my life which only brings, misery, suffering and pain.

Can any of your books be bought through amazon or audible?

Keep up the good work, your doing a great job.

Kind regards,

Rosie UK

Hi Linda! Thank you for ordering the books…I know they will help you:) Check anytime along the way. xoxox

sorry for my english, I’m not used to speaking or writing, but I understand almost 100%.

Hi Dorian,

Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will relate to my story and feel empowered. Although she’s a narcissist, the mother is NOT the problem…not now anyway. Mine was a 13-year relationship and he had a narcissist mom too and he went back and forth, blah blah, but the truth is that THESE GUYS ARE GROWN MEN. For him to LEAVE YOU…basically ABANDON you with children…is UNACCEPTABLE. This “bad” of his, I assure you, is as good as it’s ever going to get. He’s a bullshitter who gives you just enough just in time to keep you in the loop, always waiting for him (which is basically waiting for nothing). Read my book and your eyes will open as to what he is up to. Also, keep in mind that I offer phone consultations as well. If he even cared one little iota, he’d be with you and tell him mother and family to go to hell. Plain and simple. No excuses.

You will begin to get better and then he will push the reset button to make sure that you never move on. It’s not worth it. The years you have together – and the children – don’t mean a thing to him. He has already proven that to you. Save the rest of your life…it’s way too short as it is for all of this back and forth pathological nonsense.

Stay strong,

Zari xo

He was just here visiting for 6 months. He left for work & he came back after only a month. I thought that was a good sign, but it makes sense now why he came back. He needed me because his mother, the real N in this whole situation, had kicked him out for being with me, his family for so long. So, he was here another month & then left. I talked with him for about 2 weeks after he left & then it started again. It’s been about 3 weeks & I sent emails, to which I got one nasty response blaming me of course. It’s been no contact for about 2 weeks.

I go back & forth from believing this is who he is, to trying to sort out all the wonderful things he’s done, to blaming myself for my shortcomings. I think that he can’t be this person because I know he loves me. Then I think if he did there would be no way he could ever do this to me, to us, to the kids. I know he has problems & I blame his horrible N mother for most of them. We even talked about that when he was here. I felt like we got so close this time. I could almost breathe… Like I said, it’s been 10 years & a lot of separations. I feel like I’m doing better this time, but I don’t really know myself anymore either. So, I have no way of really knowing if that’s true.

Hello my sister BethD! Happy New Year to you too:) As always, it’s awesome to hear from you and I wish you an awesome 2017. You know that I so appreciate you, girl. You have been coming here since the very beginning and that means a lot to me. No matter what, I know you’re always in the background supporting the cause. Thank you for that:)

Big Love & Hugs to you,

Zari xoxox

Hi Rosie,

Thank you and I’m grateful that you found your way here, girl! Happy New Year to you too!

xoxo