Comments on: Trauma Bonding & the Narcissist – Twisted Attachment

By: JP

JP — Fri, 22 Apr 2022 19:23:20 +0000

I was married to a covert narcissist for 39 years. I started seeing the pattern of gaslighting by 2014. He ruined our retirement by losing all of our money and not confronting the situation and then he went bankrupt after being in business for 30 years. I could not figure out what was happening and I never knew what gaslighting was until 2019. When I learned about this a lightbulb went on and I began to see the constant pattern of never taking my advice for our future, never trusting me but trusting a stranger who was a fraud instead. Then I started noticing the silent treatment and I became incensed and needed to be heard. But no way was I getting any affirmation from him he held tight and never gave anything. When I woke up to the emotional abuse and toll it was taking on me after 39 years I left. I’m still a year later not able to completely
Break off all contact despite trying hard. It is the worst thing anyone can go through and of course my adult children never saw any of it and so they blame me which keeps the circle of abuse going. I hate this man more than anything on earth. But honestly I know that he knew exactly what he was doing and it was all some sick twisted idea to trap me in a horrible situation. It was INtENTIONAL! I would have never believed this before as I kept making excuses for him. But they get off on the abuse. That is what you need to understand. Don’t let them do this to you and ruin your life like he did mine!

By: Ruth

Ruth — Tue, 02 Nov 2021 21:22:04 +0000

I’ve just got out of a narc relationship of 7 years on and off. He had 2 serious relationships while with me. Kept me a secret all this time. It ended as his newest conquest (who he was living with her and his son who called him daddy) saw a message from me. He chose to be the coward and stay with her. I chose myself and I have realised how much of a narcissist he is. I saw it. I just didn’t want to realise it. I didn’t want to believe and still don’t that he didn’t really love me. That I wasn’t the love of his life. He messed with me so much. I even got a message the other day after nearly 4 months from his “fiancée”. Yea he proposed to her 2 weeks after she found out about me!!! She asked me to help her understand better what happened. How he was with me, what he said, why he was with me. This after telling me I was a home wreaker and a tramp who will always be alone.
I am having a bad week now after this message from her. I was doing well with not looking at messages. Not looking at his social media. Now it’s all back in my head. Luckily I see a counsellor every week so I have someone I can talk to.
Your blog helped me see the patterns. Thank you.
R

By: Eda

Eda — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 09:53:28 +0000

I had been married to a narcissist for 15 yrs with 4 children, the abuse was too much. The cycle run all the time we had been together. He never let me go anywhere only when he took me. Then after so long he divorced me and took away my children. I was left with nothing. I had no job the time I was with him because he couldn’t let me despite me being so qualified. Now that he is gone, it’s been so hard to move on especially that he is with someone else and he treats her way better than he treated me. How do I cope. I am finding it difficult.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 23:50:29 +0000

In reply to amess. Your welcome, amess!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 08:57:21 +0000

In reply to Molly.

Hi Molly…so sorry for the delay. I am trying so hard to catch up with y’all. Girl, I wish I could give you a big hug. I am not a doctor or professional therapist but I would have to say that the suicide…well, wow…there is some major trauma there. You surely have (false) guilt and even “SURVIVOR’S guilt” and PTSD and all that and yes, staying with this awful person is both your own punishment upon yourself and a distraction from having to deal with the memory on its own. The very fact that you have already considered the possibilities of WHY you may be putting yourself through this tells me that deep down you are more on point than you even know. However, understand that the suicide…you were NOT the problem. He decided his own fate…nothing you could have done would have changed that outcome then or later. People we love can have unimaginable demons but, in my opinion, unless these people are our children, we are not obligated to be saviors. There are things in this life that we just can’t control…such as your ex’s decision to take his own life. There is no reason on this planet for you to punish yourself but there are many, many reasons to turn your pain around. The comparison with your mother and how you handled her obvious narcissistic behaviors …that is something you probably set aside and never really dealt with at all. And now this is happening with the current narc abuser. Damn, girl!!! I’m thinking it’s time to turn this shit around.

I’ll share something….One day, when I was at the bottom of my barrel, consumed with “mother’s” guilt yet not able to think about anyone but my asshole narc, partied out, exhausted emotionally and curled up in a ball in the dark while my young son knocked on my bedroom door, ..a morbid thought got me up and out of that fucking bed. I thought, this planet could implode tomorrow, next week or next year and if there’s an afterlife, the last thing I want to be doing is floating around between this world and the next with REGRET. The thought horrified me then and it still horrifies me NOW and it’s kind of a selfish thought because it’s all about ME but you know what? It FORCED ME to do the right thing then, to realize that my suffering didn’t change anything, that I better at least TRY to break the cycle of abuse before I became a regret-filled ghost. To this day, this thought forces me to do CLOSE to the right thing at LEAST 5 times a day every day. It steers me in the right direction from the wrong direction and has made me a kinder person. I’m not saying we have to be perfect in this life but I do think we have a responsibility here to be the best person possible otherwise what has this all been about? If we have to be alone to get it started, so be it. You can do it, sister. I know you can. It’s never too late but life itself is too short. So just DO it…and you owe NO ONE an explanation for doing what you know is the right thing. If you have to, just up and leave. Trust yourself and be confident in the truth that you know….and you DO know the truth. You just needed someone to confirm it:) On the chance that we could all end up as sad little regret-filled ghosts, it’s simply time to make a move…Much love to you!!!

By: Molly

Molly — Sun, 12 Jan 2020 12:21:37 +0000

I’m have been reading your articles for hours now, ever since he had a tantrum during sex and got up right in the middle of it, got dressed and left. Just like that. This is the worst human I’ve met in my life. He has caused me to lose everything from my beautiful apartment to my kids (who are 14 and 21) my job and so much more. He got me hooked on drugs, (but I’ve been clean 7 months now, only cuz he said he would leave me if I didn’t quit, and I honestly believe he thought I wouldnt be able to quit .. thanks to methadone ) and the list just goes on. I’ve also recently realized that the only times we had mind blowing sex was when my older son was home, and I think he did it on purpose to try to show some sort of “ownership”over me or something.. thoughts ? After reading your articles I understand so much better now, but I am curious about your opinion about this. First of all, growing up, my mother had manic depression and she used to flip right out and reduce me to a puddle of sadness then she would calm down and apologize , only laying it on so thick that i would end up feeling horrible for being upset , and the eventually I learned to quietly wait out the “episode” anticipating the unrealistic amount of love that I knew came next.. my boyfriend also loses his mind, screams at me, gets violent with me, but if I employ the same coping tactic I used with my mother I get a similar result... Secondly, three years ago , after a bad arguement with the love of my life, I kicked him out for beating me up. I had never been assaulted by him before, I was so strong then. But then he went and hung himself off a fence. I wonder if I am in some way punishing myself for his death because I didn’t let him come home, or if I’m unable to leave him because of how bad things went with my ex. Like I am allowing this man who I’ve been with for 2 years treat me so horribly and I don’t leave or make him leave, maybe due to fears and trauma from my past ? I know I need a therapist , lol but I’m just so busy catering to his every whim while my life just crumbles .. I feel like a passenger in my own mind n body, but your articles really resonate with me and for the first time I feel a bit stronger, so I sincerely thank you , and I hope I get a reply thanks

By: amess

amess — Thu, 03 Oct 2019 14:52:08 +0000

Oh dear God. I was living this insanity for 32 years and he’s still trying to contact me 4 years after our separation. I now can tell a therapist exactly what my problem is. What a relief to be able to have it spelled out and diagnosed something I could never put into words. Thank you.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 04 May 2019 07:30:47 +0000

In reply to Chelsea.

Hi Chelsea,

Yes, I don’t want you to mess up a wonderful opportunity either! I do believe that the rape may have something to do with the intense connection although most of us here have not suffered that horrific experience and still find or have found that same obsessive connection. Look, the only way around it that I see for you is to change your perspective. It comes down to being realistic about the future. The bad ex – the narc – is not a sustainable partner NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL OR FELT ABOUT HIM. It doesn’t matter what he doing because you know he is simply doing the same thing! Narcs don’t change…all they do, as you say, is twist our sense of reality. We forget what is normal and what is not. However, you actually have something to compare it to and while the narc gives us a certain type of “excitement”, it is really about anxiety and stress. There’s nothing good about that type of intensity. It’s not sustainable for the long term. I do hope you give this new guy a chance. Look at it for the LONG TERM. Do you quit trying and keep pining for a guy who treated you like shit and who will never keep a single promise he makes to you – EVER? Or do you simply cut your losses, accept the memories for what they are (and see them in their proper light), and move along with a guy who will likely be there for the long term? I don’t know, we tend to like the bad guy and it always turns out to be one of the worst decisions we make in our lives. Good guys are hard to find. Ya gotta stop thinking with your “heart” and go with your head. Eventually, your heart will catch up and all will be well. Give yourself a chance while you can…..

Zari:)

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 04 May 2019 07:16:24 +0000

In reply to Tarina Thomas. Hi Tarina, He sure doesn't sound like a very nice person whether he's a narcissist or not. You say I feel like a used up whore and I have never been treated like that or felt like this. This tells me he treated you like shit. Isn't that a good enough reason to tell someone off and then leave? When is enough enough? Don't feel bad for telling him the truth and calling him out on his bullshit. If he had treated you better, you would have had no reason to act that way, right? What came first? He treated you like shit came first and your reaction came second. That's the way it should be and you have no reason to feel guilt. Thank God you got out now and not a year or more from now when you would have wasted more time. If you are hoping he doesn't ever come back, don't worry about it. If he calls or texts, simply DO NOT RESPOND and he should get the hint. Have no worries and NO GUILT. Zari:)

By: Chelsea

Chelsea — Fri, 26 Apr 2019 15:25:24 +0000

Like so many other comments before, I was meant to find this article. I have been in a traumatizing narcissistic relationship on and off for the last 4 years. I have tried to go no contact after the inevitable breakups a number of times, but end up always wanting and taking him back. I had always prided myself on being a strong willed person until him. It has come to the point where I hate myself for missing and longing for someone who is such a horrible person. I recently blocked him completely and there are moments of relief, I mostly feel anxiety and loss and pain. And then angry with myself for feeling those things. I think he twisted my sense of what a relationship is, of what love is that I don’t know if I would recognize what healthy love looks like. I recently started dating a wonderful man, but I find myself comparing him to my ex. And that he doesn’t make me feel as “high” or “intense” as my ex did. I went searching for answers and help because I desperately don’t want to mess up the best thing I have had in a long time for a person who isn’t worth it. But I can’t seem to get away from it. Any more words of advice would be so appreciated. I find myself not sleeping, just thinking about my ex, wondering what he is doing, if he has tried to contact me, etc. Thank you for writing this article and for all the responses. It makes me feel a little less alone, a little less messed up. Does previous trauma make this type of bond more intense? I only ask because I had been raped and abused previously to dating my ex and was wondering if that somehow set me up for more intense bonds to the narcissist. Thanks again and God bless.

By: Tarina Thomas

Tarina Thomas — Wed, 24 Apr 2019 12:30:00 +0000

Zari, I am on week four NC. I can’t stop thinking I was wrong in blaming him or that he is right that I’m the problem. Some of what you list is weirdly accurate, but some does not apply, is that because mine was only 5.5 months. I did think it was odd how everything was a milestone, like when our children take their first steps. But he wouldn’t spend much time with me at all, it was always a 2 to 4 hours and then gone and it was always no when I would ask to see him. Then every time we had sex it was him leaving or walking me out the door. Never stayed the night no cuddling nothing. I feel like a used up whore and I have never been treated like that or felt like this. Ugh I digress, I just want to know if he is going to come back because I want to change my number. I put him down so bad after, I told him I knew he was lying, that he was using me, that I had been with someone for over a month, that he is a loser and should look into getting a pill to help him satisfy a woman and that women like me deserve kings not toadstools. I’m really hoping he doesn’t come back ever. But I also can’t stop blaming myself 🙁 sorry so long…

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 26 Oct 2018 20:33:23 +0000

In reply to Kelly.

Stay strong, Kelly!! You are NOT crazy…have confident in the truth that you know….xo

By: jesmile arvelaez

jesmile arvelaez — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 15:52:57 +0000

i believe that these people are dangerous. Im with one right now and hes making me lose light in my life and i still manage to not leave. I make excuses for his horrible behavior. I cant just block him and dip… hes even manipulated me into thinking that me asking for respect is me being an asshole and a control thief

By: Kelly

Kelly — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 05:21:22 +0000

This was the most spot on article I’ve read regarding this. Right down to the 13 years. It’s given me hope & helped me understand how/why I could miss someone so deeply who was a horrible person.

By: Robert Mulraney

Robert Mulraney — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 11:34:16 +0000

Hi there..
I have just come out of a 5 month relationship with a narc. She herself was obsessed with narcissism and would talk about controlling exes and her abusive family all the time. She treated me like a million dollars at first and i regretfully ended a long term relationship to be with her. It was fine for a month, but then i noticed she started to try and start arguments and pecking at me. After two months she started saying we were ‘incompatible’, but i begged her to stay as i had changed my life around to be with her. She went from saying ‘never leave me’ to ‘this isn’t working’ within a very small space of time. I noticed i had become tearful and depressed, jealous of other men she hung around with, most of them she had slept with previously. She had slept with an unnatural amount of men and seemed to enjoy surrounding herself with people who fancy her. I also found it weird that her average relationship would last just a few months. She said she was pleased with herself for splitting me up with my ‘evil’ ex. I started drinking, and on a couple of occasions getting angry and throwing things (not at her, i would never hurt anyone) in frustration, because part of me knew I was now caught in a web of her control and it had hurt me, she repeatedly used these occasions against me, even though i apologised sincerely and my outbursts were extremely far and few and felt provoked. Sex was awkward and started to feel like a treat, using numerous excuses not to do it throughout the relationship, even though she told me i was the best she had had. I found myself cooking, shopping, and moping around my flat every day while she put her social life way before our relationship, and she would make that clear that’s what she was doing. Also i started getting horrible texts at work when a few hours previously she would be fine with me. She made me give up weed, which was a good thing, but left me during the withdrawel, and it felt like part of her game, rather than benefitting me, she was back days later. She seemed to accuse me of things she was doing, like reverse psycolology. Part of her was funny, generous and affectionate. She left me and came back 4 times, each time leaving me alone and empty. My trust was broken when she met up with an ex and told me she had ‘bumped into him’. This caused an argument, ending up with us spltting yet again. The contrast of our activities while we were split was incredible. She would be out partying and i was sat at home crying. Also she made out that i was the Narcisist and she was a Super Empath. She came back two weeks ago after splitting yet again(!) and it lasted 3 days, we were split for ten days and she admitted that already she had been dating guys she didnt fancy for their money so she could afford to move back to her hometown and publically smear her dad for child abuse, then dump them after 4 months. I knew now about ‘supply’ and the narcisists tendency to return if a new source has failed. I told her i had now researched narcissism on line, then she admitted she had become narcisistic, she had become plotting. She left me again three days later on the grounds that I questioned her intentions and got angry, even though i am not aware of using any threatening behaviour, she said that I was insane and terrifying, saying i was a diva and an attention seeker. I started to realise the woman I love is most probably a compulsive liar. I have had tears in my eyes since she left me. Also have dreams about her cheating. I’ve ended up in a bad way. She smeared her last boyfriend on line, branding him a narcisist, i am worried she will do the same to me. Thanks for reading.

By: Nicolette Cuevas

Nicolette Cuevas — Wed, 12 Sep 2018 03:41:46 +0000

It is not just a coincidence that I found your blog. I was meant to see this. I connected with every word, I never talk about this with friends or family for fear of judgement. & every time I am apart from him I feel so much anxiety and sadness but I also do not like who he is as a person at all. He just really turned out to be a shitty person. I don’t want a future with him but I can’t get myself to leave. & every time we come back to each other, the hugs, the intense kissing, the makeup sex, the cuddles. I just feel so at home and can never even remember why I didn’t want him in the first place. But my happiness only lasts until he feels he doesn’t want to see me anymore or doesn’t want to answer my calls. It is a sick cycle and I really thought something was wrong with me. Thank you for giving me understanding.

By: L

Wed, 05 Sep 2018 10:11:43 +0000

My narcissistic partner has a 3 yr old dependant whom ive played step mum for over 2 years now, he is manipulative and uses his personal issues with stress and a bad temper against me daily as i am also the housewife,nanny and whore. Plus when we break up which is always a matter of me escaping” due to fear of his irrational and unpredictable temper he goed back to his ex who isnt even aloud custody to abuse drugs and find comfort in sexual acts with her even though he still comes crawling back yo me im still allowing it how can i be so aware of the constant toxic abuse yet struggle to make the next step in leaving and doing something about it for my self. Ahh men 🙁

By: Nicky

Nicky — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 05:06:49 +0000

You need to be aware of solid patterns in that relationship to get free and to stay free and get selftrust again to trust on your own intuition. Maybe a mentor or guide wh is at home in this kind of symbiotic realtionships. There is no devolopment in it and growth and it costs time and understanding

By: T. Huisman

T. Huisman — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 05:02:38 +0000

It is not a concious process. I think you need a guide to get rid of and in this relationship . It is an unconcious habit you get used to. More selftrust and awareness.. There are patterns you need to be aware of but it is not easy as it seems to be. .

By: lorraine clayton

lorraine clayton — Tue, 21 Aug 2018 17:05:56 +0000

I am now 3 month on from my narc husband of 26 year relationship and i am finally i think beginning to like myself again he has ramped up the emotional blackmail to make me sell the house by continuing with the suspected cancer and brain tumour story which i have now played detective and found out by following to his appointment was a pack of lies and he was at a orthopeadic clinic his face dropped when i walked in and he went on defense mode but insisted on telling me how much weight he,d lost how much running he,d done how great his life was and pretending to itch his stomach to show off his abs (non there) for the first time ever i told him how discgusting he was to lie about his illness to myself and our daughter. I apologised to the nursing staff for wasting there time on such a pathetic cretin and left to which 10 minutes later he was screaming down the phone to me to not call him names because he was brilliant. 4 times i put the phone down he then rang our daughter shouting at her saying she was a liar and he was coming home to sort it out. 20 minutes later he appeared raging with anger cause he had been found out and i had for once confronted him he then proceeded to push me about got a knife out waving it at us and threatened to cave my skull in. I answered back with the simplest of answers leave this house dont come back and do not ring contact or come round again. I then rang the police who have interviews him and now the only way he can contact us is through a solicitor . I hope i am getting their now with the discard its like a bereavement but on another level. I do not like him he makes me sick i cannot wish him well with his future because he is only concerned with superficial people who he thinks adore him but i have now found out from alot of people that they never liked him any way they only spoke to him cause he was with me. im a little embarrassed about this but i,ll have to get over this fact and move on for the sake of my daughter and me

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 08:43:36 +0000

In reply to Elle. Hi Elle, I hope you are still in your breakthrough and going strong...you can do this. I offer phone consults if that is something you would be interested in. Together, we can get you through it. Stay strong! Zari:)

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 08:00:48 +0000

In reply to Tina. You're welcome, Tina...take care of yourself and be strong:)

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 07:50:19 +0000

In reply to Danielle. Your welcome, Danielle! Stay strong and stay the course!

By: Danielle

Danielle — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 21:16:38 +0000

I’m currently with a narcissist and it is the hardest things I have ever gone through. I have never thought about suicide before until now. I am so glad I am getting answers. I want to get out and I always asked why I can’t. And this helps so much! Thank you.

By: lorraine clayton

lorraine clayton — Fri, 03 Aug 2018 16:50:20 +0000

wow my husband of 26 years recently walked out of the door after i did not agree to his needs which begin in may and end in august for the past 14 years during this period i have given in to what he wants ie cars, bikes, gym equipment golf gear to even buying houses to rent and moving house all to be given away after august to raise its ugly head to appear the following year with the exception of the houses this year he wants me to sort out sell both houses and give him a fast buck to fulfill his yearly fix. he still keeps coming round and the first words are will you sign to sell the houses answer NO you want it you do it i am sick of your games. after my friend told me to read up of narcissists i cant help but feel that is who i have been with the last 26 years I thought i was a stong person but on reading these articles i realise what a mentally cruel relationship i have been in. when we met i had a successful career and was the bread winner but over the years he as stopped me working to be at his beck and call 24/7. He is on to his next victim already a blast from the past lol given up all his friends because he does not need past friends he is better than any of them anyway and does not need them. i do not contact him at all but he keeps calling me once or twice a week to twist the knife, i answer his questions calmly which he hates then starts mouthing and shouting threatening me, but when i ask he does not want a divorce. Too late jog on lead a lonely life cos thats what he had before me no love from his family just ridiculed and made a fool of even disowned for the past 23 years. I feel better for writing my comment rant over i am getting my self worth back day by day hopefully.