xo

Zari,
Thanks for setting her straight. I liker the way you think…

I’m actually only 9 days shy of a year NO CONTACT, and I’m a huge advocate of it. The writing I do is first cathartic, and therapeutic, as it allows me to not “hold” onto the yuck, as I’ve never been one to hold grudges, or even hate for that matter, in fact when I traced back my ill will, it was found in the fact she introduced me to hate, and I hated her for it, but more than anything I pity her, more than that, I pity her children.

Hi Paul,

I do remember leaving you that comment but it was either in response to your Amazon review of my book When Love Is a Lie or you had commented on MY blog here, I can’t remember for sure. I was amazed at how you expressed yourself and also how you described the content of either my book or the article you commented under. It was much appreciated. I haven’t been to your blog but I will be sure to do so.

Zari:)

Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog, and “wow!” @ “your obvious literary genius”, what amazingly kind words! So thoughtful, thank you, that means more than you can possibly imagine. Would you please tell me how you came across my blog on WordPress please? Thanks in advance… Paul

Hi Staci,

Why are you so concerned about what she is feeling and doing? Her pain is horrific and, yup, she is married to him and maybe financially dependent on him. I was a military wife years and years ago and most of the women on that base were completely dependent…it was pretty sad but not for me to judge. I’m sure that he gives her quite a story and is quite believable. You should know this since he had you fooled for awhile as well so you know how it goes. I stayed in my relationship for 13-years trying to figure it out and then finally, thank God it was over.

You say that you called her to let her know what was going on and then say…She apologizes to me and then says, “I am sorry he hurt you like all the other women as your relationship mirrors all the others”. I am scratching my head like is this woman sick??? Yes he has lied to us but he took vows with you and he has not been lying to you????? Why would you berate an apology? What did you expect her to say to you right then in the middle of the confrontation by yet another woman in his life? I suspect she was embarrassed. Moreover, when she called you later to ask if you were in contact with him, why have an attitude about the question? You obviously felt that it was okay to call her and tell her about the affair, why was it not okay for her to call you later to ask if you were still in contact. All you had to say was “No”.

Clearly, he disrespected her but how she deals with it is completely her business and is not for anyone to judge let alone one of his mistresses. You don’t REALLY know the scope of the relationship at all…I’m sure there is much involved as there usually is with a ten year relationship on and off as it likely was. In fact, I’m sure the marriage occurred when he came begging back after an affair and figured proposing to her would be the only way to keep her around. Of course, she probably saw that as him finally changing and maybe finally wanting to settle down. How embarrassing for her now but she was willing to give it a shot then. Whatever she is going through and whatever decisions she has to make, I’m sure it’s not easy and maybe she is still trying to wrap her head around the scope of it. He sounds like quite a charmer and he certainly seems to be able to make his worlds not collide at all…the creepy bastard that he is. How did you discover he was married? All the family and friends of his that you met…and the children…no one said a word? He introduced you as his girlfriend to his family? So, I take it that it was his wife who was the secret? That part is a little confusing but, well, this is how good they are at playing the role.

I wouldn’t try to wrap your head around what she’s going through or why she’s still there because its different for everyone and it doesn’t affect you. She’ll get out as we all do at some point…hopefully sooner than later. I take it that you have him blocked on all social media, right, so that he can’t try to contact you even if he wanted to? This would be the right thing to do to send a message. He obviously thinks you are still in the queue as they all do and blocking is the only way to end that without having to contact.

Zari:)

Met in Narc Dec 2012 and ended it Feb 2013 due to his selfishness and maybe my stubbornness. Reconnected in Jun 2015 with the mindset to give it another try and see if the second time around would be better. Swept me off my feet with the appearance of a perfect gentleman that may have grown a bit. He paid for me to come and visit him since he was in the army in another state from where I resided. Needless to say, we had great times that continue to another visit a few months later. At that time, he was returning back to state in which I resided and we continued a so-called relationship until September 2016 where we always went to expensive dinners daily, we worked out daily, he brought me breakfast to my job, found my daughter a job, talked about having another baby while trying to get me pregnant, taking care of my house, went to meet his family members out of town, took trips out of town, spent Xmas and Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving with me and my family, going to breakfast with his kids, attending his kids birthday dinners/parties, attending special events with his friends and my friends, close connection with my friends and family, constant “I Love You emails/texts messages daily/nightly, etc. etc. September 2016, I was informed he was married and he finally admitted it (after repeated pressure) and stated that he was in the process of having the marriage annulled but going to file for a divorce. Claim he did not want me to focus on that and wanted us to focus on us. Then he writes me a seven page letter about God and Values and how he plans to do right by me because He has never loved a woman the way he loves me. Additionally, claims he wishes when we initially connected that he would have done right by me then we would have been possibly married (ooh wonderful Huh). Then claims he married her because his mom was dying and she is a poor example of a wife and it was a mistake he married her. He also presented me with the papers to have is wife served.
At this point, I did not believe a damn thing he was saying because it was just ALL lies. I reached out to the wife and informed her of all of his lies and provided her with the divorce papers. Additionally, I informed her of all the details listed above of our encounters with all of his promises to me. I stated to her that is was not my intent to hurt her and that I felt she needed to know what was going on outside of her household. She responds to me by thanking for the information and states that I am one of many women that has contacted her and knew his pattern shortly after they got married and said he needed help and told him to get help but he has not. The trip we took out of town, she said he told her that he was at drill when he has been discharged from the army in which she knew nothing about. She also disclosed that they have been going to counseling for the last 4 months (the time we have had a so-called relationship). She apologizes to me and then says, “I am sorry he hurt you like all the other women as your relationship mirrors all the others”. I am scratching my head like is this woman sick??? Yes he has lied to us but he took vows with you and he has not been lying to you????? SMDH….. I told her that I was having a panel of STD testing along with AIDS testing and I suggest she do the same. Thanks God they came back all Negative.
Additionally, she reaches out to me two months later to ask me if I am still seeing her husband or am I in communication with her husband???? Are you F*&^%* kidding me. I was at a loss for words and felt no harm in asking me. I told her I am surprise she is in contact with him and why is she asking me this? She tells me that I reached out to her and I continued a relationship with a married man and she uplifts men like her husband and as f*&^%$ up as her marriage is he is still her husband. Then she tells me I must be armed (dummy means alarmed) that he is not divorcing her. I explained to her that I am not in communication with her husband and what is a Husband and a Ring with No Respect!!! She finally left me alone in Dec 2016. He contacts me in Mar 2017 saying he misses me and send me daily pictures of myself and ask if we can meet for a late night dinner with wine or go to some of our dinner places from the past. I ignore him. Then I get a bill in which he was supposed to pay for. I send him the bill to pay and he only pays $150 of the $850. If he can’t get the communication from me then he won’t pay the rest. I take a loss and pay for it myself. He still is trying to contact me and reaches out via pokes or likes on social media but I give no respond. I am NC and when I see him out I ignore him with no facial contact but he seems to end up in the same places I am (is he stalking me). I can’t wrap my head around why this woman chooses to stay with this creature in which she has no kids with and he has disrespected her on numerous occasions including having a baby on her and with the divorce papers he plotted to provide me that I showed her and she states “Oh those were fake”??? She is missing the point that he had them drawn up…. What is with this situation????? How does someone torture themselves in which he was with her since 2004 and did not marry her until 2014. He has a 6 years old daughter which he had during their relationship. Someone please explain.

Hi Paul,

Good God…I’m not even your girlfriend and I’m scared shitless. LOL I’m hoping that your obvious literary genius makes you only appear far scarier than you really are, brother, because revenge at that level will never work in your favor. Better to back off and go no contact to send your message. You are not a fool…just someone who fell in love with the wrong person and there’s no crime in that.

Thanks for your comments.
I am still split about her, a part of me wants her and another part says LEAVE it, but i have long since realized that nothing good will ever come out of her.
It is a bit like a drug habbit. You want the drug, but you know it is not good for you and eventually it will destroy you.
I can only imagine a life being calm and submissive waiting for the final discard must be worse than death.
Somehow i would like to see what life together with her could have been like This was bad enough but i would like to see what i have missed, at least so my doubt could be gone.

Frank wrote…I felt like i was on Cesar Milans show: The Dog Whisperer…Till this day I have no idea if she wanted me to be her new boyfriend or i was just a little snack This made me laugh right out loud! You are not alone in feeling this way:)

Hi Frank,

You sound as if you have a handle on it and the best thing to do is just keep her out of your sight. Duck around buildings if you have to in her hometown but the longer you can keep this from happening (running into her) the less chance you have of falling back under the evil spell. We all think about these jerks way too much but in the end I believe that our picture of the monster is much clearer because of it.

All you need to know is that this woman was nothing nice and keep moving forward. You deserve to be happy and there’s no time to waste!

Zari:)

Before we were in a relationship and he was my boss, I was going through a rough patch and he handed me an envelope with a poem he had written about his daughter when his marriage broke up. I’d kept it and remembered about it when the CD was really bad. It wasn’t a brilliantly written poem, but it was full of emotion and really touched me. Surely a N couldn’t have written it?

So I went looking for it and put a couple of lines into Google, all the while thinking it must be his poem, only to find it on several sites attributed to an American lady. He’d just taken out the americanisms!

Strangely, this hurt me as much as finding out about the awful things he’d got up to. I was being manipulated long, long before I realised and he wasn’t capable of the feelings I’d always assumed he had. So I’ve written my own poem in response to express the excruciating pain of the CD. I’ll never send it to him, so I’ll post it here if I may.

I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why did I let you push my boundaries
To the limit?

I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why, even though I know your mind game,
You still win it?

I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you
Why won’t you leave my head alone
For just one minute?

I love you
I hate you
My head is full of you

Hi Athea,

I responded to your request on the 29th explaining how to go about booking a consultation. I’d be happy to speak with you, girl. Check your SPAM folder…maybe the email went there. Here’s the link to the consultation page though…..and I’ll contact you again right I after I get notified. Let me know if there are problems.

Zari xo

how can i speak to you

Hi Michelle,

I know it’s in my book but when I started calling my ex a narcissist AND a sociopath, I later would discover that while he’d been playing on my second computer here (where I had, of course, installed software that recorded his every keystroke! LOL) he’d been googling all about narcissism, fascinated with his own disorder! Towards the end, I saw that he was actually googling things like “narcissist cheats on girlfriend”, “when girlfriend finds out narcissist boyfriend cheats”…can you believe it!!! They’re all the same!

As for staying busy, you are doing the right thing! As I always say, you must pass the time because time must pass.

Thanks for sharing, sister:)

Zari xo

Thanks for the response, it’s just what I needed!!
Firstly, I purchased your book and I must say that’s what’s got me through these last few weeks. I’m still NC and he hasn’t contacted me either,. Tbh I’ve got no inkling whatsoever to contact him – what for him to reject me all over again – no thanks!!

What I didn’t say last time was the fact that I called him out on being a NARC last time I got back with him, and you know what he did?, he did an online test and it said that he was borderline, although I don’t believe he answered the questions as honestly as he could have.

Anyways it’s almost 5 weeks NC and I must say I’m feeling better everyday. The fact that I’m no longer on social media or look at his has helped me enormously. So if anyone is thinking of having a peek, my advice is DON’T DO IT. It will only set you back

I’m just dreading the day when he does get in touch, but I’ve been reading your hoovering techniques, and although he has used a lot of them in the past, I’m ready and waiting for anymore inventive one’s he comes up with. Like deaths in the family etc. I wouldn’t even respond to those after how he has treated me.

I try to keep as busy as I can by going out with friends, redecorating the house and just having some me time. Having someone there who poisons your mind and makes you feel like absolute shit all the time is not conjusive to a loving relationship. I realise I was in love with an illusion, it wasn’t real, that’s what’s getting me through.

Once again Zari thanks for the advice and I’ll keep you posted on how I get on.

One thing I do know is I will NEVER be in this situation EVER in my life…Thank you xx

Hi Michelle,

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond…I am running way behind with everyone. If nothing has changed since you wrote your post, you are doing all the right things. Blocking him so that he can’t contact you and staying far away from social media (even to the point that you have to delete accounts) is all correct! It is all we can do on our end to keep the separation in place.

Understand that the internet is filled to the brim with narcissists… and Tinder and all the dating and social sites are the biggest playground for these creatures. On the Net, these guys (and girls) can be whatever and whoever they want to be and they get very good at it. If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will confirm and validate your entire experience.

You must realize that you have done nothing wrong…he is the ultimate predator and he will never ever change. Continue to keep your distance and do not ever respond to any attempts – even via proxy – of communication from his end. Your feelings will go up and down…this too is perfectly normal. The trick is to work through it because the day will come when you will feel better and stay that way, I guarantee it. I just wrote an article about that very thing right here.

Stay strong and write anytime, sister!

Zari xo

I also discovered what was happening to me by a Google search of the silent treatment. I as well was very overwhelmed. Everything thereafter that I read fit my ex to the T. As well as everything I’ve gone through. But keep reading, and reading, and reading. I read what feels like every single article on the web about NPD. Reading is what has helped me the most. When I start feeling like I want to break NC I find an article, even if I’ve read it, and I read it again. Or find a new article. Stay strong, you have support from people you don’t even know. Survivors of NPD are a tight group. My heart goes out to anyone that’s endured this abuse. Hugs!

Hi Kat,

Hope you’re doing okay….it’s taken me forever to get back to you. Update me so I can better help you if you still need me. So much can happen in just a short amount of time…

Zari xo

In a nutshell he swept me off my feet very quickly, apologised for things he didn’t need to. He also came across as being very naive and too honest for his own good, telling me things that made him look stupid to be frank but that endeared me to him more. He’s a lorry driver and he’d ask a question in his mind about whether he was going to marry me and then count the sheep in the passing fields for the answer – as you can imagine the sheep always answered a resounding YES. I thought it was strange but twee at the same time.

He wanted to leave his wife almost immediately but I was cautious, mainly because my previous relationship was also a N (although I didn’t know it at the time. We had a few arguments which always resulted in me begging for the relationship to continue. In the meantime his wife found out about us and he left her. it caused a lot of trouble within his family and most of them inevitably took her side. She called me to say that he was a compulsive liar. When I asked him about this he said ‘of course I’m a liar I’ve been conducting an affair for the last 12 months, which again I foolishly accepted. I did catch him out on a couple of silly lies early on and he’d twist and turn and rattle on for hours that I just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

He left me quite a few times and always said it was the guilt about leaving his wife and teenage daughter that caused it – or me. He even went to see a councellor to help him cope with the guilt he was feeling.

Whenever we argued he would go on and on for hours about how my anger (at what he’d said or done) that was the problem, he convinced me so much so that I paid £350 for anger management classes!!!

He even went back to his wife in the early days and told her that I was a drug dealer, a tramp and a horrible person (he told me this) AND I STILL WENT BACK. He’d drill into my head what a lovely decent man he was and that everyone likes him, which did seem to be true as he was always the life and soul of the party whenever we went out.

He’s also a BIG drinker, he says he works hard and plays hard, which is true as he works 70 -80 hours a week, but he still expected me to pay my way whenever we did anything together. Every single argument we had would result in me either apologising or feeling totally confused. Let me just say here that I’m no shrinking violet and that I always gave as good as I got (which was ALWAYS the crux of the problem).

Nearly every time we went out together would end up in a fight which of course was always my fault. He once told me that he’d got chatting to some women in a pub when he was out with friends and told them how horrible I was to him and that they’d told him to leave me , and I STILL WENT back.

I’d tell him about what a bad day at work I’d had and mention my horrible boss or a coworker and he’d be understanding at the time, but then in an argument would say that I don’t even get along with the people at work. Said I was a horrible grandmother because My grandkids aren’t with me every weekend, the list goes on and on.

Anyway the last few times he’s left I decided not to beg him back and hey presto he was always back although each time has got longer, at the beginning it was a day, then a few days, then a week, then 2 then 3, anyway last august he ended up renting a flat, but begged to move back in with me. He’d signed up for 6 months and I told him that we’d see how he went after the 6 months, suffice to say, the last fallout resulted in him buying a house, but still insisting that his ultimate goal is to rent the house out and move in with me.

He’s never been very sex orientated, if I’m honest he was a bit boring in the bedroom and said that I was sex mad – which I certainly am not. What I couldn’t understand is that he watches loads of porn on the internet WTF is that all about??

We had a big fall out in new year which resulted in me ending it, In was so fucking determined too. I lasted nearly 7 weeks in which he attempted the hoovering, texting to ask if I’d been trying to text him, that he missed me you get the drift.I ignored it, and then a few days later something happened and I was stuck and I called him, he seemed so genuinely pleased that I’d got in touch but I told him that I only got in touch as I was desperate for his help at the time. I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with him.

The ironic thing is Zari that I’d already been on your website and it had honestly gave me the motivation and determination to stay away for good and I was back to square one.

It lasted the whole of 2 weeks, we went out last week, we went back to his flat, we were happy and laughing, I went to the bathroom, and somehow the buckle on my bag had caught his shower screen and it shattered into a million pieces, In was stood there in shock not knowing what had happened, he gave me a horrible look like I’d done it on purpose and we started arguing and this resulted in him dragging me out of his flat in the middle of the night blind drunk, I’m ashamed to say that i drove the 4 miles home, although it had sobered me up, I was most certainly over the drink drive limit. The next day I called him for the rest of my stuff and he answered by saying he wants nothing more to do with me and we’re finished. He even acknowledged that he knew that the shower screen had been an accident, when I responded with the fact that id been dragged out of his flat by my hair in the middle of the night he ignored me. Not that I was bothered, he left all my clothes in a bin liner on the seat of his car saying with a note saying he can’t cope with ME and that we’re finished.

I changed my mobile number and my landline number at great expense and am determined that I will NEVER go back. I realised that I’d left my hearing aid at his flat, but knowing that he was away working and that he knows how much I need it that he would post it to me, after a week (last Friday) I emailed him and asked him to post it, he never replied, so I got my son in law to call him, well he was all sweetness and light to him saying that he would drop it off on Saturday or Sunday, he never came on Saturday and I knew that he goes to the pub on Sunday all day, so my daughter text to see whennhe was dropping it off. He replied that he’d dropped it off and that the shower screennhad cost £110!!

I can’t believe after what he did to me that he was only bothered about the fucking shower screen. I has a little peek on his twitter account which he is addicted to and what I saw made me feel sick, he was listing pics of young girls (no older than 18) his daughter is 23, he’s 50 years old. Acting like he doesn’t give a shit, I told him the last time we fell out that I didn’t look on his twitter account, I’m ashamed to say In was obsessively on it, as he says he was with mine. I have now deleted my twitter account and will not look again. I KNOW for a fact he will be in touch although the last time was 6’weeks this time it will be inevitably longer. I HATE the man with a passion, I’m wishing alsorts of horrible things to happen to him, I’m thinking maybe I’m as bad him. I wish I could just forget about everything but it’s hard. Its been 11 days now and some days I feel so optimistic and others I just cry, I can’t believe what a monster he turned our to be.

Hi Elena,

Thanks for writing and it’s my privilege to help. Everyone deserves happiness in this world and there’s no time to waste! I love how you say that you’re starting over at 50 and wouldn’t trade it for anything. That’s very inspirational for me. I’m turning 54 in two weeks and things, just in the past month, have really opened up. It really worried me for awhile…I started to think “What’s left?”. Then, it’s as if there was this turning up of something…I feel very happy. Thank you for saying that.

Choreograph your own dance is right! Life is too short, people. It’s up to us to make things happen.

Write anytime, sister!

Zari xo

Hi JS,

It’s my privilege to help….you just keep focused on the path forward and above all else KEEP PERSPECTIVE. Time will take care of the rest of it. I’m here if you need me:)

Much Love,
Zari

Zari,
I love you girl, I feel so much better that I had your support and understanding, never thought I have less and less thoughts and it seems further and further away, the clearer I see he doesn’t matter any more. It is a living hell being sucked into that. How anyone is able to do that and brsinwash them is really quite unbelievable when you see them for what they are. Like in the Wizard of Oz, a story of the quintessential narcissist, he was nothing but a little pathetic man once found out. Thank you again, you are a life saver for so many going through this.