Hi Precious,

It has been so long since you have written. Please send me an update and I will look for it. I apologize…things have been so swamped here. He DOESN’T treat other women so well…it only appears that way. A leopard never changes his spots. I just sent you a PDF copy of my book When Love Is a Lie to your email address in hopes that it will help you understand that it is NOT you, sister. Please stay strong…this is for the better!

Zari xo

Hi Lat,

Yes, no contact does eventually make life beeaauutifull, doesn’t it? So grateful that you escaped with your sanity. Now, as for your “babies”, they really aren’t babies and you know this. The truth is that they will have to figure this on their own. Your son needs the ex’s money for school and therefore probably can not afford to make waves. He will have to suck it up and stop crying about it. After all, he will get a medical degree out of it and hopefully far surpass his dad professionally at some point. Your daughter is another story and yes, it is sad. You can help with her simply by being the best mom ever which I am sure that you are:) The fact that they see him regularly may be an issue and perhaps that can be changed here and there so that they do not have to spend so much time. I know it is difficult but your children are grown and should be seeing it clearly at this point. Your happiness away from this man – their father – is a clear example. You can certainly sit them down to discuss the options of staying and dealing with it and accepting him for what he is and not letting it affect them emotionally OR letting him go and taking the (maybe) financial consequences. There’s nothing wrong in doing that and allowing them to make their own decision as the adults that they are.

Zari xo

I am so over my N hubby. But my babies are not. He is 21 and she is 18. She is wise to his antics but pines for a father. My son is ashamed of his father but needs his money to complete medical degree. In what way should I help my kids every time they come home crying after seeing their dad? I Know his behaviour really well but is it ok to tell them to leave him? Cos thats what I did. No contact and life is beeaauutifull! Please advise.

Lat

Hi Charlotte,

If you’re interested in helping others, then by all means write a book! All you have to do to get started is start writing and don’t stop until you’re done. People love to read stories that they can relate to and narcissism right now is an epidemic. Once it’s written, you can self-publish on Amazon Kindle and Createspace and/or Smashwords. Do some research on self-publishing and get acquainted with the process. A good book and a blog to go with it can open up a whole bunch of doors – it did for me. And in the process, you will meet an amazing group of people (from all over the planet) and feel you’ve know them your whole life. For me, this has been a most wonderful experience…wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Zari xo

Hi Suzi,

Right on, girl, and Happy New Year to you too! Stepping out of the shadows is the plan of action:)

Zari xox

I am so sorry about what happened to you. If you lost it all in three years than you can get it back again. Hopefully you got some money from the sale of the house…take it and start over. You’d be surprised how you can get it back – that which you feel is so lost. Divorce him (if you haven’t already) and be done with it. He is obviously an awful person who had other intentions. You don’t have to suffer because it’s over. Make amends with your friends. The friends that were truly your friends will be there for you – the others don’t matter. Come back better than ever and know that this will be the best revenge ever.

Stay strong & best of luck to you, sister!

Zari:)

Hi Jane,

I am so sorry that you are hurting. It’s very mind-boggling…the level of the betrayal…and it’s normal that you haven’t quite yet wrapped your head around it. The truth is that THIS IS WHAT HE DOES and nothing you could have ever done would have changed it. Please consider booking some talk time so we can work this out together. Your self-worth should NEVER be based on the bad behaviors of another person no matter who it is. Treating people badly – making people (you) suffer – is what makes them feel alive. He can’t be fixed and it was never your fault. I am a survivor and there are so many other survivors here that have similar stories. Please read through all the articles and think about talking to me. You deserve to be happy and, believe me, it IS possible. You bet it is!

Zari xo

Hi Yvonne,

Glad I could help! Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo

Zari, I’m glad to hear you are happy and at peace! You keep coming up with one great post after another. I recommend your books and blog to so many. You turned adversity into something positive that is helping so many. This problem is so much more widespread than most know. Don’t ya wish we had a Zari to go to when we were with the idiots and they pulled their first disappearing act? Hind site is 20 20 and we came out of it most likely for the better. And yes it was pretty great running into him and knowing he knows how happy I am. But the best was not feeling attracted to him and saying to myself….ewe he ain’t nothing great. ???? That’s why the no contact thing is so important. Once you disconnect the fog clears and you will never go back to that dark place. Forever grateful for the work you do and the countless people you help. Love ya Beth xo

Congrats Christine! So happy for you. We along with Zari needed to sort all this stuff out. It’s amazing how an authentic guy and an authentic life feels so good. No more analyzing, detective work, figuring out. The song “now your just somebody that I use to know” comes to mind. I love the girls part where she says “I don’t want to live this way….reading into every word you say”. Yes living well is the best revenge. They are empty vats that will most likely continue on with empty encounters, and con games that turn bad. Remember they get worse with age and they can’t get the victims as easily. ???? Game over for us and it’s all good. Stay Happy xoxo

Hi Joanne,

Wow…thank you for the update, girl. I have to say that it gave me a bittersweet sad twinge imagining the scene. Normally I might have to scold someone for popping in on the ex but I think there are some cases, such as yours, where it obviously had to happen. You felt it and you did it and now you know. And yes, you April fooled the fool! I love it that you looked tanned and beautiful, fresh off a beach chair on the whites sands of the Bahamas. Woo-hoo! That’s what he deserves. Did you go alone on the trip? I want to know….so glad that you don’t sit around.

A twinge of bittersweet does us well sometimes. Consider that the final ending – the closing scene – to this particular movie of your life. Rock on and stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Zari,
well i made it dow to LAX no prob….(spent 7 days in the Bahamas it was heaven)…way home yesterday I stopped for gas & drove past his house it was 8:00 am…I stopped & knocked on the door (i know i know stupid) it was weird cuz everything wss all closed up & he used to be an early riser plus its a work day….he comes out (obviously he has his girl living with him cuz he really was not happy to see me) &ooked just hammerd & tore back …we smoked & chatted & OMG he was so disgusting missing teeth, scraggly long hair getting greyer & thin (he still thinks hes the hot studly surfer he was 20 yrs ago he still dresses the part hangs out with his sons friends his new suppy is young) he’d lost 20 lbs (& hes not a big man) looked like a skeleton I asked why are you so sucked up? he was very subdued & said hed been sick & was getting old & was struggling financially but needed to work that day….i realized as we tAlked he was using meth….the missing teeth , just looked like a dirtbag, sleeping that late on workday & sooo skinney! I told him sbout my trip & must say i looked fabulous fit, rested & glowing picture of health….i got great satisfaction in his miserable life… i went to my car to get my phone & show him pic of my new dog but got in and drove away without saying a word……i am so happy i did ! it i feel like i killed the monster by looking him in the eyes & feeling no attraction whatsoever…..in the last 8 1/2 months i was remembering us & had everything very romantized in my head & was still sexually attracted to him even tho i knew i could never speak/see him again ..,,i was sure they were sooo happy …..I got to see the reality & it wasnt pretty & made me sick ….hes a sad pathetic little old man on meth…..(I’m sure OW he discarded me for was a tweeker i saw her with him 1 week after he dumped me & i stopped on my way back from Cabo to rub it in and was shocked to see her sitting in my chair & that fucked me up big time until now) ….. i feel i slayed the dragon & saw him for what he really is….he no longer has any power….i April fooled the fool….thank you Zari if it wasnt for your books & this site i would still be chasing him down trying to make him love me going insane in the process. xoxo

Hi Joanne,

Oh yeah, I think most of us have skipped the devalue stage more than once throughout the course of the relationship. When you’re with a narcissist long enough, you get to experience all the options and they can come in any combination. Especially after the very first Idolize, Devalue, & Discard, when he returns it’s anything goes. Sometimes they come back and it goes right to the discard with just a tad devalue. And sometimes we only THINK there was no devalue because we get used to accepting crumbs of attention. The truth is that these crumbs really were the devalue after all. No matter how you look at it, we all deserve so much better.

Hope you kept one eye closed on the 101 and made it through the drive-by…..

Zari:)

Hi Karen,

I’m glad to help! Keep reading…there’s more to come:)

Zari xo

Hi Joel,

I know…it sure seems like these human-looking creatures are not of this earth. In fact, when people sometimes refer to the narcissist’s uncanny ability to show back up at the precise moment that you’re starting to forget about him/her as some type of psychic connection, I always suggest that it’s far more demonic than it will ever be psychic! Who knows…from a “professional” perspective, I know that I’m supposed to understand that narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths are products of bad childhoods, neglect, abuse, and blah blah blah but thankfully I’m not a professional anything and therefore not tied down by psycho babble. I’m just a girl who had an experience and shared it. The real truth is that I can find conspiracy in anything because evil exists and my eyes are open. I can’t help but think that narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths are either 1) tools used for the dark side in the spiritual warfare that is pummeling the planet, or 2) defective human product that somehow found their way into the general population despite getting kicked off the evolution assembly line. Either way, someone wasn’t paying attention. Since the governments that rule the world are made up ENTIRELY of these creatures, I’d have to lean toward Option 1. It’s frightening, it really is and the numbers are growing.

To give you an example of how scary it really is, consider this: this website has been up for a little under three years and it now receives hits from upwards of 6000 NEW visitors (victims obviously) EVERY DAY. THAT’S how many aliens walk among us!

Zari xo

Hi Joel,

Wow…thanks for the props about the book. If you haven’t already, make sure that you put a review up on Amazon so that everyone knows how you feel about it….it’s the best way to get the message out to others seeking support and validation:) To contact me, you can always write me via the Contact Me form which goes to my personal email and I’ll respond. May take me a day or so but I will get back to you. Thanks again and I hope you’re out of a bad situation…

Zari xo

Zari. im amazed! is this a spiritual demons on earth kind of thing??? How can so many people be so crooked in the same way. We have souls and they dont??? Thats how I feel. unbelievable book!!!