Comments on: Narcissists & The Soul Mate Effect

By: Heather Phillips

Heather Phillips — Wed, 10 Jan 2024 20:18:19 +0000

I’ve read a lot of these comments from women currently experiencing narcissistic abuse from their partners, and while I try to be compassionate when I hear these terrible stories, another part of me wants to scream to the victims: Jesus would you please “grow a pair” already? I’m a woman who knows full well that girls are still inundated with romantic fantasies of the “knight in shining armor” coming to rescue them, (looking at you, Disney!) but when a man starts to pull this narcissistic shit on you…..you need to run as fast you can! And I do speak from experience, although I figured out what this cretin of a guy was up to pretty early on, and had a lot of fun toying with him psychologically. (Yes, it can be done, but I don’t recommend it, if you aren’t a strategic kind of thinker.) So, if you happen to fall into that category, just leave, and cut your losses. One thing to remember, is that if he sounds “too good to be true”, especially early on, that’s your first red flag. Don’t fall for it. This happened to me, but I recognized it, and let him think he was “winning” because eventually I got what I wanted from him and then left. But I never took anything he said to heart because everything he said was just obvious emotional manipulations. I’m pretty sure no woman had ever done that to him before because he was so used to the clinging, grasping, desperately in-love, type of woman, but I had a little nice tumble with him, and just up and left way before he had the chance to use his narcissistic, nasty bag of tricks on me, which I knew would eventually come. And yes, male narcissists do tend to be very good in bed, so if you’re a woman looking for that, kick the sheets with one, but don’t ever get romantically involved, or believe everything they tell you, especially the dumb “soulmate” stuff, the constant flattery, and the “future faking” bullshit! Lol! So, stop crying, ladies, hold your head up, and for goodness sakes, ditch the fantasy of who you think he is, and grow a pair! You deserve much better than to cry your eyes out over these types of men! By the way, this is the BEST SITE on the internet today for the purpose of self-education about the warped psychology of these types of people.

By: Heather Phillips

Heather Phillips — Wed, 10 Jan 2024 20:17:34 +0000

I be read a lot of these comments from women currently experiencing narcissistic abuse from their partners, and while I try to be compassionate when I hear these terrible stories, another part of me wants to scream to the victims: Jesus would you please “grow a pair” already? I’m a woman who knows full well that girls are still inundated with romantic fantasies of the “knight in shining armor” coming to rescue them, (looking at you, Disney!) but when a man starts to pull this narcissistic shit on you…..you need to run as fast you can! And I do speak from experience, although I figured out what this cretin of a guy was up to pretty early on, and had a lot of fun toying with him psychologically. (Yes, it can be done, but I don’t recommend it, if you aren’t a strategic kind of thinker.) So, if you happen to fall into that category, just leave, and cut your losses. One thing to remember, is that if he sounds “too good to be true”, especially early on, that’s your first red flag. Don’t fall for it. This happened to me, but I recognized it, and let him think he was “winning” because eventually I got what I wanted from him and then left. But I never took anything he said to heart because everything he said was just obvious emotional manipulations. I’m pretty sure no woman had ever done that to him before because he was so used to the clinging, grasping, desperately in-love, type of woman, but I had a little nice tumble with him, and just up and left way before he had the chance to use his narcissistic, nasty bag of tricks on me, which I knew would eventually come. And yes, male narcissists do tend to be very good in bed, so if you’re a woman looking for that, kick the sheets with one, but don’t ever get romantically involved, or believe everything they tell you, especially the dumb “soulmate” stuff, the constant flattery, and the “future faking” bullshit! Lol! So, stop crying, ladies, hold your head up, and for goodness sakes, ditch the fantasy of who you think he is, and grow a pair! You deserve much better than to cry your eyes out over these types of men! By the way, this is the BEST SITE on the internet today for the purpose of self-education about the warped psychology of these types of people.

By: Larry Abruzzo

Larry Abruzzo — Sat, 10 Mar 2018 06:30:29 +0000

The female narcissist uses the same soul mate bullshit.
But it felt so.real when it happened , everything we did was fun even going to the market or doing whatever.She didn’t have to.ask you want to come with me, no it was babe Im going with you. Our motto was FOREVER AND A DAY her FOREVER was a lie. Her other line after a few days of insanity was we been through so much bullshit with each other huh hon and were still together, I would reply yes bullshit you started , oh now were pointing fingers, it wasn’t just me, she would say…Fuck yes it was all her , every damn time it was her…craziness is what it was, total insanity. I think its the fact I knew it was insanity , she was evil, mean , unlikable,’ but I couldn’t leave her I made a promise to her and myself , no matter what this will work I will not give up, and I was the best man I hAve ever.been with a woman, and for what , I didn’t mean a thing to her, Double insult to my injury, A conscious effort to be the best and it’s wasted and meaning less on a narcissist. Makes you doubt yourself afterwards how could I have been so blind, so forgiving, when it was always something and it’s just me on my side she alienated my side of family , my daughter’s never met her but hated her, my ex hated her , my sister’s hated her, my work place hated her, why because on her insanity trips I couldn’t take her any more or she would verbally kick me out , she could be very abusive verbally and I would leave because I was exhausted from the.verbal attacks over bullshit that I couldn’t even defend or argue back because it was ridiculous b.s.and once away from her I just wanted a clear head but no ,the phone bombing starts, 500 to 800 text in a day hundreds of phone calls and if I answered it’s why did I bail on her , I’m back with an ex or I don’t love her , I should be there with her omg insanity, because Im missing her the moment Im awAy from her..All I want is to.be with her but it’s her insanity and she finally sees it 2,3,4’days lAter, and on several of those times I.just slept on the street, because I had no Where else to.go.I couldn’t go to.a friend again and say she’s kicked me out again, so i slept on the steet and she knew because she was bombing my phone but it still took days to finally say, ” I know I.did it again, I go to far, am I.still your little girl , daddy?” But never said , “Im.sorry” and the cycle is reset for the next round of insanity within the next 14 to 21days or less.
All the time I’m thinking maybe it won’t happen again, after all , all I.do is love her…

By: Noelle Shewan Fabian

Noelle Shewan Fabian — Fri, 23 Feb 2018 02:30:39 +0000

Wow. I’m actually feeling all of you girls. I just met this really kind and caring narcissist. I knew he is a narcissist because he made me feel outraged and numb after two months of being together, he decided to work in a far place and to be far from me. I knew he had some problems with money and in order for him to pay back his debts, I believe he is using me. He says he needed to get away for a while so that he could think and process his emotions. He didn’t want to accept my financial help, even though I am forcing it to him so that he could love me in return, the last time I saw him is two weeks ago, he asked for fare to go back home, and now he doesn’t even message me. I don’t know. I can totally relate to you girls. Any tips? I knew I am blissful and high when I’m with this person. He keeps me alive, but when he did this, he is killing me.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 01:03:44 +0000

In reply to Denisha Rivera. Hi Denisha, Read my book When Love Is a Lie before you even think about getting together with this guy. In this book, I tell my story and it will sound very familiar to you. I knew my ex too for ten years before we became a couple and then it was holy hell for the next thirteen. I must have been asleep or something the first ten because I didn't have a clue. I thought we were best friends! I guess because he wasn't my boyfriend, I wasn't paying attention. My bad!! Knowing what you know about narcs, why even consider it? If you think he's a narc, he more than likely is. Don't waste your time and your life. Read through the articles on this sight and allow me to change your mind!! Zari:)

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 22:55:31 +0000

In reply to Janey.

Hi JM,

It looks to me like you’ve got it together! Three months is very good and you’ve just got to keep going, day by day. The more time, distance, and space that we put between US and THEM, the better. You have a great reason to be proud of yourself!

Zari xo

By: Denisha Rivera

Denisha Rivera — Thu, 23 Feb 2017 03:15:36 +0000

I am currently entertaining the idea of dating a potential narcissist. He’s been there for me always. And we’ve been friends for almost 10 years. He travels a lot for work and sees me once to twice a month if I don’t ignore him over something he did wrong. He never hit me but he did get disrespectful joking about something. He basically facetiously made a comment toward me. He always apologizes when I’m mad at him and he buys me gifts just because. He seems great but because he’s an entertainer who travels I’m afraid to commit. He has n ex wife and one child both of which I have yet to meet.

By: Janey

Janey — Sun, 19 Feb 2017 18:54:16 +0000

Great site Zari, much needed validation.

My narc and I also “knew” each other for several years before we were a “couple”. He was basically waiting for an opportunity to swoop in and I know for a fact (now) I was one of many he was grooming for his next victim.

I of course received the same soulmate bs, you’re HER, you’re the ONE, I’ve never loved anyone before until you, I didn’t know what love was before you, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, I love you just for you, I GET you, I’m the ONY one who will ever really appreciate you, I’m the only one who will love you this much, you’re my best friend, we’ve known each other for so many years, you’re PERFECT and the FUNNIEST person I ever knew, all my exes are CRAZY, thank god there is a normal woman out there!, I love everything about you and we have so many exact same interests!, etc etc etc – and these phrases would repeat themselves in the devalue/ discard / hoover cycles, becoming increasingly negative and sinister.

The future faking was from the same playbook as everyone else’s, about that wonderful life we were going to have until we grew old, all that traveling and the cabin we’d buy and the house in Costa Rica, getting married in Greece…I don’t want you to have to work unless you want to, I want to take care of you and I put you as the beneficiary of my life insurance policies (all lies) ….on and on.

The most embarrassing thing about this whole thing to me is not so much that I put up with it for 4 years – all the abuse, name calling, pathological lying, accusations, paranoia, crazy making chaos, utter hell, smear campaigns, – the worst part is that I never even met the guy in person. He lives one state over from me – a 7 hour drive. He never came to see me once. I couldn’t go there because he was embroiled “in a messy divorce with children involved”, “had business financial problems” “had a bout of cancer” (if I even believe that now) which was cured 2.5 years ago – and one excuse after another.

Anyway, I am proud to say that I have had NO CONTACT for almost 3 months – he occasionally tries to hoover – first with the “are you ok?” and when I don’t answer it gets increasingly crazy with name calling “I always knew I made the right decision dumping your fat ass”(I dumped him lol) to “I always knew you were fucking your N***** boss” and even crazier and crazier accusations and how he is back with his crazy ex girlfriend and she knows ALL about me and how crazy I am.

But I will NEVER answer him, which will forever drive him nuts.

Thanks for letting me vent, glad I stumbled onto your site. 🙂

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 10 Dec 2016 01:02:16 +0000

In reply to nellie wanpis.

Hi Nellie,

Don’t let him go – say no! I don’t know what other advice I can give you, girl. If you have a good job and can support yourself, is it possible for you to divorce his ass and take the girls with you? Ignoring him but still living in the same house is no way for you to live. It also doesn’t have the same effect as leaving him. If you don’t want the girls to go with him and you don’t want to go along, then flat out say no. You don’t have any other choice except, of course, to kick him out. Send him off on vacation alone and pack up and you and the girls move out. The biggest problem for women who want to do this is the fact that they can’t support themselves. If you can, hell – run, run, run. It will be hard at first but the end reward down the road is well worth it…I guarantee it. Do NOT be intimidated.

Stay strong,

Zari xo

By: nellie wanpis

nellie wanpis — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 10:36:05 +0000

Hi,Zari
I live in the South Pacific Pacific and Iam married to a narcissistic for 17 years.realised it and now totally ignoring him.we live in the same house,we have three girls the two big girls are teenagers and my last girl is 10 years old.
I totally ignore him even if he takes his girlfriends around in his car in public for me to see an hear ,I see and hear but ignore it.
He is now trying to take our three girls to his family away from me.he wants to get a reaction from me and punish me for ignoring him.I need help please help,I cannot live without my babies but I cannot be controlled by him also.he is jealous of my job and in taking the kids away I will leave my job and follow them and he will punish me worse.please advise

By: protectyourselfatallcosts

protectyourselfatallcosts — Tue, 08 Nov 2016 20:58:13 +0000

my heart knew from the get go.. but my brain couldnt accept that such evil existed.. I schemed and made him feel he was discarding me and with tissues in my hand I pleaded and begged for his love – whilst he thought he had me groomed and helpless for his future entertainment – like a true oscar winner I ran and never looked back – this way he would leave me alone forever.. feeling his ego stroke and get an erection from thinking I am home crying and dying, and I will suffer for months to come 😉 . but im with my new boyfriend sucker-you taught me well……

By: Em

Em — Fri, 14 Oct 2016 17:35:51 +0000

Until I read the conversation, I was still foolishly questioning whether or not he was an actual “full blown” narcissist. My rational brain knew all along, but that piece changed my emotional brain to the sad reality I’ve been living.

I’ve had that conversation. 100 times or more.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 23:14:55 +0000

In reply to Hilary. Hi Hilary, I know...isn't it weird? We all have the same conversations! xo

By: Hilary

Hilary — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 17:03:40 +0000

In reply to Rosie. I just read your soul mate/ future faking dialogue. Wow! It's like you were listening in on a conversation. I

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 08:15:15 +0000

In reply to Rosie. Thanks Rosie! The feeling is mutual:)

By: Rosie

Rosie — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 14:38:57 +0000

Zari, I love your blog! Whenever I am feeling weak in my struggle to heal I read some of your articles, it always feels like a good friend talking to me. Boy, the narcs sure love the soul mate crap, he told me that on our second date, he also said that God had worked to bring us together. Oh, and that is was fate that we foumd each other, and that he had dreamed of having someone like me his whole life. Hmmm…guess he forgot all that when he lined up somebody new and discarded me in a cruel heartless manner! Keep up the great work Zari, we all need you!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 18 Jun 2016 08:42:37 +0000

In reply to Claire. I like that!

By: Claire

Claire — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 22:12:38 +0000

I used to say when my ex narc used to call me his soulmate, that I was really his cell mate!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 29 May 2016 08:35:24 +0000

In reply to Allison.

Thanks Allison…. That’s what I’m here for – reality checks:)

Stay strong!

Zari xo

By: Allison

Allison — Thu, 26 May 2016 14:15:31 +0000

OMG – I was married to that for nearly nineteen years! Doubting myself so much of the time, it became painfully yet brilliantly clear he was the sicko – I was fine. Scared to death, but the healthy one. It took a long time for me to leave him and he’s such a malignant narcissist that he turned my young sons against me (like he did with his child from his previous marriage – I was wife #2) and eleven years later, they still aren’t speaking to me. My ex is still and forever will play the victim – the “poor me” act, while wielding his arsenal of psychological weaponry. His rage is terrifying, but his narcissistic diet consists of this entree (Me) no longer. Thank you for this reality check – this book reaffirms what I have learned the hard way and is so very educational!!

By: darla

darla — Sat, 23 Apr 2016 02:46:46 +0000

In reply to JRB. i dont have time to write everything i want to right now..but i had 4 engagement rings he would act like we were breaking up.. we would take my rings back tears pouring down my face..then as soon as we walked out of jewelry store he would ask me where i wanted to go out at.. he lived with me two years..after his 6th or 7th silent treatment i made a joke about looking for revolving doors so he can come and go easier.. i cat believe i was stupid and blind ..at that time i had no idea that this type of people existed.. he rushed me to marry him kept rushing me to marry him sell my house of twenty years.. as soon as we got married he would put my name on the deed of the house he just bought for us.. at the same time i thought i was dying of cancer so i wasnt thinking right.. and of course he kept telling me how he was going to take care of me. so two weeks before my surgery i married him.. of course he never added me to the deed.. and he threw me and my 16 year old out on the street in jan.. while he rushed me to sell my house and marry him.. he was cheating on me the entire time..just couple months later he would call me on the phone tell me how much he loved this woman..ask me if it was too soon to tell her. off and on he would call me and act like i was his best friend.. 8 months later he called again telling how much he loved..at the same time i saw him on the dating site every nite until i mailed him the pictures of him on the dating site with dates and times he suddenly got off the site. just recently he started to come to my gym with his girlfriend. where ever I am he gets on the tread mill or piece equipment beside me..even with her there.. funny thing when he lived with me he lied and said he had to take his daughter to the gym twice a week and drive an hour away to do so. now that i live in same area( where we lived when married) his daughter has not been at the gym once with him amazing

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 19:06:41 +0000

In reply to Clare.

Hi Clare,

How funny…I sent a FB private message once to the girl I suspected my ex was staying with during a silent treatment, outing him about everything and making predictions and I, too, got a visit from the police! Best to let them find their way out of the rabbit hole all by themselves!

Stay strong!

Zari xo

By: Clare

Clare — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 23:45:50 +0000

Hi, I’ve spent almost ten years (on and off due to the silent treatment) with a narcissist. I got in touch with two other ladies he was stringing along. The one lady was relieved as my getting in touch confirmed to her she wasn’t going mad. The other lady I fear is only at the beginning and read my emails walking out of the airport following a lovely week away with him. I did the run down if my relationship with him and outlined how I guessed her relationship was going and even explained that he would tell her I was the psycho ex girlfriend…. She obviously believed him and I had a visit from the police advising me if I contacted her again I could be arrested for harassment. I don’t blame her as I totally understand where she is in the relationship at the moment. I also don’t regret trying to warn her because I live in hope that as soon as he starts his tricks with her she will get out sooner than I did. I keep telling the lady who did believe me that he will be in touch again and she can’t see it happening because she thinks he will despise us because we outted him. He will though!!! Finding out about narcissistic behaviour has opened up the process of moving on so much for me, you know deep down it’s not your fault but this is the eureka moment. Great find I will be sharing with the other lady so keep up the great work of enlightenment

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 30 Dec 2015 03:42:07 +0000

In reply to Haylee.

Hi Haylee,

Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for your pain with this asshole. I’m grateful that you decided to write and share your story! Yes, your ex sounds like a narcissist alright and I’d be highly suspicious of his relationship with the gay friend because narcs are NOTORIOUS for swinging both ways to get what they want. Bottom line: they’re just douchebags…every last one! I am going to send you a copy of my book When Love Is a Lie in PDF format and I’ll send it to the email that you used to post your story. Please look for it!

Stay strong, enjoy the book, and write anytime! I’m here to support you….

By: Haylee

Haylee — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 23:43:53 +0000

In reply to JRB.

I just wanted to get the courage to leave a comment here, after 3 painful years of being tangled in a narcissists web, unknowingly until up about 2 months ago when I finally pieced things together. I met my ex 7 years ago, he was still young at 19 – me being 4 years older – I fell deeply in love with him from the very beginning as he was very charming. I think it was the very beginning days of his mental health issues. He said I made him feel like less of a man as he didn’t contribute to the household with money and I was a single parent with a 3yr old son so have to admit I did have my moans and wanted him to contribute more by getting a full time job rather than part time. He used to drive me to work most mornings as at that time I couldn’t drive, so thought that was enough. Eventually the arguments about money caused us to split, he left, I didn’t say a word to him for 5 weeks and received messages from him that got angrier as the weeks went on. Eventually I cracked and thought his messages were because he genuinely missed me and wanted me back – how wrong was I. He didn’t want me as soon as I paid him attention, and a month or 2 later when he met someone else I was thrown to the scrap pile. I found it near on impossible to move on from him, I was completely sucked in by the memories of the early days, his sweetness etc…because of this my other relationships seemed very pointless, I was able to love again but I still continuously thought about him. Three years ago I decided to make contact with him again. And in those three years he has strung me along and had me in his life as many different roles, the friend he slept with when there was no one else, the friend who picked up the pieces every time another woman turned out to be not what he thought, the friend he abused mentally so I felt as small as ant and hated myself, and the friend who he one day decided he wanted to ‘marry’ and gave me 4 months of complete hell this year. He proposed to me one night in his local pub, roughly about an hour after trying to chat the bar woman up in front of me.
He spent most of his time here and craftily manipulated me into moving to the area he wanted to live in as he lived in a run down chalet that needed endless work, he was basically looking for a roof over his head. This time, after the years of manipulating me and knowing how easily I ran back after all the abuse, he knew he didn’t have to make me fall in love with him so I basically got the very scraps he had to give. Sex only when he felt like it, which he later told me was to keep me quiet as he hated having sex with me. He made no effort to be here and want to do anything with me and my son, he ended up becoming more interested in making money to pay his debts and took on a weekend bar job along side his full time week job in an office. I asked for a compromise of maybe working 2 or 3 weekends so we had time for eachother but he wouldn’t budge and of course turned it all around on me and said I didn’t support him on anything. He had no regard for my feelings, my mother sadly passed away in June 2014. One evening this summer I was having a bit of a moment at the window in tears, my ex looked at me and said ‘ why are you crying over that c*** for ‘ I couldn’t believe it…he was completely heartless. As the weeks passed by it was becoming more and more clear he was just using me and wanted a place to live which was possible if I moved into a bigger place.
His social skills are great as he mirrors everyone he meets and I have watched him do it many times. He can’t really hack the real world though and has a lot of jealousy towards other men which I found really strange. He has more female friends than blokes but generally makes everyone feel sorry for him with suicide threats and two attempts in his early 20’s have meant everyone rallies round after him to make sure hes OK. His best friend is gay and in love with him (he admitted that to me) my ex borrowed 20 grand off him which his friend took out as a loan, my ex pays him 500 a month to clear the debt, he hasn’t tried to run from it, but it means the gay friend does have a degree of power over him and I have seen my ex in some very angry frustrated states over his friend, yet he still continues to stay friends with him and go abroad together etc, his friend is always treating him to gifts as well so I know my ex is in the friendship for what he can get, and also knows his friend is in love with him so is easy to manipulate with everything.
He has been violent towards me and has severe anger issues, literally if you disagree with him on anything he goes into a huge temper tantrum and starts going crazy.
I have seen him use many women over the past 3 years, but on the flip side I have also seen him claim to fall in love with women who have damaged him even more by using him as someone they sleep with while they have partners else where. He picks on weak people to get what he wants. I have analysed his behaviour day in day out for what feels like forever now, and I now know he is most definitely a NARC but to what degree I am unsure. We split in September this year and at first I was continuously messaging as it felt like I had lost an arm, and also I was angered as I knew it should of been myself that had left, but he made sure I didn’t go first. After a month I cut contact altogether, he blocked me on everything and I threw myself into my work and my son at weekends. I thought that would be the end of it all, but then 3 weeks later along came the unblocking on messenger and a random message to do with my car. I responded a short message and didn’t speak to him for another week. Again the messages came and I gave short answers or paid no interest at all. He visited Thailand and Australia a few weeks ago and made sure to message me before and after his flight. By the time he got home I had cracked, I was missing him and after the effort he had put in, I presumed he was feeling the same. As soon as I admitted I missed him I fell back into the snake pit. He hasn’t been interested ever since and has told me his moments of missing me were fleeting ones and he has no interest. He wouldn’t block me again as he wanted to keep me on that string. I have felt devastated and so disappointed in myself that I fell back into that trap of him just needed validation that someone still cared about him and he still had someone to feed off whenever he felt like it.
I have since got a new number and deleted all social media. I will do all it takes to move forward from this. Three years of being told I am overweight, awful in the bedroom, only attractive in photos and not in real life….have damaged me….he has done all he can to ensure I will never love again. I am so determined to beat this and never go back. I hope we can all stay strong ladies. We all deserve a beautiful man with a beautiful heart and a genuine heart for us!
I wish everyone love and luck for 2016 xxx