When we dump a narcissist or a narcissist dumps us, one of the first things that they do (to make themselves feel better) is embark on a smear campaign. Somehow, running a smear campaign provides the narcissist justification as to why we were never worthy of their presence to begin with. By talking smack around town about the discarded partner…by getting “the word out” about how horrible the ex is…the N feels pumped up and vindicated about however the relationship came to an end.
Most of us who’ve been involved with a narcissist have experienced being the target of a smear campaign at one time or another. It might even be that, with a break-up on the horizon, you’re worried in advance of what you already know will certainly be one. After all, breaking up with a narcissist isn’t exactly like any other break-up or divorce on the planet. If there are mutual friends, co-workers, or children involved, there will always be radioactive fallout but it’s not nearly as scary as it appears to be. In fact, by making one amazingly simple switch within our reaction to it, we can all but instantly change the dynamic of the smear itself. The key, my friends, is to say NOTHING at all…not a single world…and, believe me, there will be power in your silence.
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Naturally, when someone is talking shit about us to others, our first reaction is to want to defend ourselves. In many situations, of course, defending ourselves is the right thing to do but when the person talking smack about us is our narcissistic ex, I have found that silence on our part is the absolute – and only – way to beat him at his own game. In fact, I discovered that our silence during the smear campaign exposes him for the asshole that he really is. Our silence actually creates plausible denial in the smear, ultimately causing the truth to prevail.
The fact is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST DOUCHEBAGS. We just don’t. The fact is that a narcissist will talk bad about us to everyone anyway– his family, our family, our kids, mutual friends, co-workers – and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. The smear campaign is one of the oldest narcissistic tricks in the book. Sure, we can run around behind him doing damage control or talking smack back but we’re dealing with a narcissist here and he will use our defensive reaction as proof that we are exactly as he describes. This is what he is counting on. This is, in fact, a narcissist’s end game throughout the entire relationship!
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I’m here to tell you that, throughout all of the N’s smearing during and after the relationship, all we ever have to do is be quiet and be normal and the N will quickly end up looking like the piece of shit that he is. Yes, it is hard to do but – OMG – the rewards are amazing and they come quickly. This strategy works, by the way, even with narcissists that are well liked and even loved in the community. It always works.
Think about the scenario objectively. Imagine that you’re part of a group and one of the couples that you know is in a tumultuous relationship. Together or apart, they’re always causing drama and within the group, everyone is annoyed. So, the couple finally breaks up and now you start seeing them each separately. You notice that the guy does NOTHING but talk shit about his ex for hours on end but when you see her, she says nothing about him at all. She doesn’t even talk – or want to talk – about the break-up. She just mingles with the group like she always has. It’s awkward at first because her ex is like the elephant in the room, having said some horrible things about her…but everyone soon gets over that. As time passes, who is going to look more favorable in your eyes? The person who talks all kind of smack about the ex or the the ex that is normal and nice and never even mentions the other one? The answer is obvious. I’m serious, even if the one half is spewing word garbage week after week that his ex is a murderer, the fact that she never utters his name and is as sweet as can be whenever you see her is going to cast doubt on everything he says. It creates plausible denial in her favor and, again, it always works! Eventually, he will have to stop talking.
Wayne – the ex of my book When Love Is a Lie – was a shit talker. It didn’t matter if we were together or broken up or where he was when he did it, if there were people within earshot that knew me or knew of me, he happily talked shit about me. Throughout it all, I said not a word. In fact, I was so silent about him, that most people who knew both of us weren’t sure if we were really even together. One couple pulled me aside and asked if I knew who he was!! Here’s Wayne talking crap about me to a group of people that we both know and they’re all thinking Holy Crap, does Zari even know this guy? She never even mentions him! Because of my silence, when the relationship was really over, these friends automatically gravitated towards me and they had been HIS friends to begin with. As a narcissist knows, silence can be very powerful. Ha-ha!
Was it hurtful to know that my ex never had a nice thing to say about me behind my back? Of course it was. It devastated me. Did I feel embarrassed sometimes to be around people KNOWING what he must be saying when I’m not there? Of course I did. But the truth is this: people really don’t want to hear about your drama and they will WELCOME your silence. We imagine that people hang on the narcissist’s every word but this just isn’t true. No one loves the narcissist unconditionally like we foolishly did. No one! The narcissist, if you allow him to talk unfettered, will eventually alienate the world. Everything he says inevitably goes out the window.
This strategy is foolproof…and why? Because in the end, the truth really does prevail and our silence allows it to happen. People aren’t stupid and not everyone buys into the narcissist’s shit. We only think they do because we’re the target. I don’t care WHAT he is saying about you or how awful it is…just stay silent! This means when daddy is talking smack about mommy to the kids, mommy, although she wants to, does not reciprocate. The kids will figure it out and so will everyone else – and all without you ever saying a word in your defense. In this case, silence is a foolproof solution to a very big problem and you will have finally beaten the narcissist at one of his own fucking games.
Has your narcissist subjected you to a smear campaign? Let me know in the comment section!
Nick
December 17, 2023 at 1:33 pmI wish I had read this 5 years ago when I left my wife. Or maybe not. It would not have done any good I guess, because her narcissistic abuse was so insidious, it wasn’t until 3 years later when she literally made my 8 year old son cry on purpose to gain a custody concession out of me until I started to ask myself “maybe the failure of the marriage wasn’t all my fault?” Now I realize that while I was far from perfect, I was basically a good husband while she abused me emotionally. I started looking back on events in the marriage that I knew at the time were just not normal but as a defense mechanism I just ignored that knowledge and accepted the gaslighting. Then I figured out why her family, friends, and many of our mutual friends had been looking at me differently since the break up. I did pick up a bad habit for about a year after the marriage, and my ex became aware of it, but I have had scientific and legal proof I had abstained from that habit since and she has that proof in her possession. They all seemed to still treat me like I was an active addict, and now I know why. And having not been armed with the proper knowledge, I did defend my reputation to her brother and a mutual friend. Now I am thinking I could probably show them the drug test results and they would think it is a fake. I could even sign a release with the drug testing company so they could call themselves and verify, but they would think I bribed the owner. It’s pointless. The one thing I did do right, is I have never spoken ill of my son’s mother to him. Not once. It is almost automatic for me. Sometimes when I am with him and close family who I have confided my frustrations to, I will be talking about his mother to them, and then when I finish I am like “wow, I can’t believe I didn’t say anything bad about her”. it’s like a reflex. I want him to have a close relationship with his mom. She does not feel the same alway about me. But 5 years later, my son and I are closer than we have ever been.
Anne Wood
August 20, 2023 at 8:44 pmHello Zara, I’m so drained from all this rubbish from being tangled up with my now x narcissist friend, she was always a odd bod but I didn’t know what a narc was just thought she was over the top. I always thought I wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of her. Over 12 years friendship I found myself in situations that I got the blame for, and when talking to her about it, didn’t help she still blamed me or others for her short comings. I’m a kind person, quiet and don’t go out of my way to hurt people. And now I’m in a smear campaign because I told my friend at the time something on the day upset me, if it happened to her I’d make her feel better by surporting her, and going out for coffee then it would be forgotten about. but with me she took it all over the town and told friends that I was mentally and very unwell and she was so worried about me. She has a vile tongue, and when you would mention the way she would talk about people she would yell at you. So over the years I learnt to shut up, we live in a small town and she has told lies, half stories ect to different people, she often say to others , mate mate you need to start yourself a smear campaign, It’s so crazy I feel I’m crazy because of it. Some peopl snub me, I had a stalker once and told her, she was upset that he wasn’t stalking her, so now all the men I know are very wary of me, and take off when they see me coming. So now I wander??? Has she said I think all men stalk me which isn’t the case, only one little man did and took me a good couple of years to shake him off. A neighbour of hers came to me and told me that ??? Is such a lovely person, I agreed but only if she new she has been dragged through the mud too, like everyone we knew together. This woman is 74 years old. The last few years her company was getting worse, throughout the years she has done nice things and sometimes over the top, and felt uncomfortable when she would do and give, I always find I owed her something, and felt she owned me. Now I see all of this as a way of keeping tabs on me. And as I have researched she is the perfect narc, Iv seen her act like a baby sometimes, and talk about people even if they were in the room, and if I would pick her up on it she would talk louder, I felt sorry for that poor person that she would be shaming or defaming. But she has a way with people and a lot of people out there, I think??? Love her even when she is talking dribble. It all came to head when she wanted things to go all her way, my father was dying at the time and I was at the end of my rope and had know patients for her, I started to stand up for my self and stopped passerfiering her and showed I was a little angry with her abusive actions, she spat the dummy and went into a rage when she sore a friend give me a huge hug, her eyes went black and in a devils voice she let me know she wasn’t happy. From that day she texted that she had know idea what had upset me, and that she hadn’t talked to anyone behind my back, your my mate she repeated. She made out she was baffled to why I was upset with her. She pushed my buttons all week long, and shamed me in public. I was in a trance and couldn’t believe this was all happening to me, and I kept letting her do it, I felt I had no controll, I rang my husband in tears, he worked away and told him what was happening, he told me to get away from that woman she is evil, and that he was sick of her abuse towards other people, and so I did I went no contact, she has tried to get to me through other people, the smear campaign has been going for over 12 months now, some people ignore me some give me a grumpy hello, some yell out a big over the top hello, and some are very unsure. I’m so deverstated I lost a lovely old friend that my narc was jellouse of and alot of town people that think I am mentally ill, I’m not disrespecting mental illness, I just know I’m not, and have never been diagnosed. Throughout this horrific odeal I’v had to work very hard at keeping my cool and still being kind to these people, I went through the depression, I don’t want my xnarc friend to know that as she makes fun of people who have it, and hates it if people cry in front of her. I still hate going up town never is a pleasant exsperience, and come home feeling down as I do today when someone I see and use to be fond off is a enemy on their part. I’ve recently been diagnosed with scalp cancer and big opp ahead of me. I wish these nasty people on no one, it’s amazing how one single person can do so so so much damage to a innorcent human being, I would have rather a punch in the face! Please don’t print email address. Looking for peace! Thanks. Annie
Liz
January 16, 2022 at 1:51 pmHi. Truly sorry for what everyone is going through! Mine made a fake post or three and made me look evil. He’s accusing me of exactly what he is! I know that this is no surprise to any of you. The key is to stand Strong. Survive, no matter what. No drinking excessively. Watch your conduct. Accept that some people will believe the exaggerated or outright false narrative. Keep your head up. Don’t fall into the role of victim. Be a survivor. He tried to kill me several times. Then played victim. One day,there will be a reckoning. God will be the judge. Accept that he or she is hurting in some way or just plain scared he’s going to be found out. If you have to,live for the day when other people get burned by him and abandon him. You can fill some of the people some of the time,but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.Its very true that within a few minutes of good people meeting him,that they didn’t like him. They tried to warn me.So, some people can see it. Not everyone is so easy to fool.You cannot fool a gut instinct.He also has nothing but contempt for anyone around him. Called them down behind their backs:-(. Just an all around nasty person. Anyways,go away for a weekend. If you can. Get a good person to support you. Deal with it directly and say, he’s got a hidden agenda. Then go on with your life. Feel sorry for someone like that. They are deeply unhappy bitter nasty individuals. I find compassion helps. Stay strong! Have faith, and fight the good fight. Be a model of integrity and distract yourself . God bless you all.
Zari Ballard
May 8, 2022 at 1:56 amThank you, Liz!
Shannon
October 31, 2021 at 10:39 amHi Zari,
I’ve been discarted a few months ago by my N and currently trying to get through this nightmare. I made some good progress lately and I’m seeing a psychologist. I’m somehow feeling a lot better even if everything is still often really painful. The abuse I endured was nasty and I often felt like a was not a human being to my N. I didn’t not write to my N after the dumping except to get back my stuff at our place.
I’m working things through with my psy and really focus on how I feel and see things. I started to open up about the abuse I went though after the end of the relationship. All those years were lies and I still have trust issues. I know N never loved and cared about me, and never will. It seems no one really liked N because of how N treated me badly and couldn’t get along with pretty much anyone. Well, I think they don’t like my N. I talked to some of those people, they are friends we made while being a couple, and sometimes it’s people who knew my N before we were together. I told them how I felt by explaining some of the abuse I was dealing with. I had a lot of people telling me they didn’t really liked my N or tolerated my N because we were together.
I try to listen to me more to break this pattern of ignoring my gut feelings (it’s an old childhood thing) which leads to constant insatifaction and my needs being unmet. Did I made a mistake telling these people we have in common how I feel, some of the nasty things he did to me, and how I’m healing? I’m a bit confused…I really want to stand up for me and live a happy and heathy life. I also thing it means being in adequation with how I feel, who I really am.
I’m happy I discovered your blog. Your articles are so high quality content and it helps me very much.
Thank you for the time you put to read me XO
PS : if my email appears in my comment, could you please remote it? Thanks.
Lea
April 25, 2021 at 7:45 amHow do you protect your own children from the narcissist’s smear campaign? Often narcissists not only smears their daughters or sons but also their own grandchildren and they use them for information about you. I know the narcissist in my life does this as she has divulged personal information to me about my golden child sister and her kids when she’s angry with them. I let it go in one ear and out the other and now I’ve distanced myself from her. However if she’s doing this to my golden child sister then she’s definitely doing it to me and my kids too. What can I do to protect my children from her?