How about take time OUT & ask urself what U really want from a partner? As there’s a BIG difference between falling for DRAMA & HIGH-CONFLICT…than just needing a little EXCITEMENT in your life.

Narcissistic & sociopathic personalities (altho often high IQs – have NO emotional IQ – ie. NO empathy & it’s NOT by CHOICE – so can’t be changed – they seriously ARE brain-defective from NORMAL ppl) – KNOWN as HIGH-CONFLICT personalities DUE to their lack of empathy (along with a FEW other personality types on the mental health spectrum – that feed off drama)…so AVOID if possible, esp on an intimate personal level.

And take note of the numbers: as far as SOCIOPATHS: 4% population…3/4 are men….constantly roaming from relationship to relationship….so the older U get…they are out there in bigger numbers.
These ppl can’t be swayed on reason esp if that reason is to TRY understand your feelings – as they have NONE.
A relationship with them is like being caught in a NEVER-ENDING court-case of LIES. They are INFORMATION gathers so anything PRIVATE they learn about you will be thrown in your face without care….& they WILL destroy your relationships with others…as they don’t value relationships.

PULL OUT of the sociopathic-circus of CRAZY making…there IS an EXIT!
It’s called NO CONTACT…CUT them OFF (no excuses)…& pull out of their CRAZY ‘game’…so U can find ur SANITY again!

Hi Megan,

Look, I can assure you of one thing: you are NOT a narc. How do I know this? Because you give a shit about your past behavior and actually care how this person makes out in life. Your last statement “I feel responsible for how he makes out in life for some reason” says it all. A narc would never say that and mean it and I feel that you mean it:) As for what happened, I am pretty sure you were on autopilot, trying to cope. Please forgive yourself. We all feel this way when we’re in abusive relationships and find ourselves acting just like the abuser. Sometimes, other than leaving, it seems like the only option. There’s almost nothing you can do if you stay, you will find yourself playing the same games. It does suck, I get it. But apparently you got out and THAT was the ending that needed to happen. He will be fine and if he isn’t, it will have nothing to do with you. Take care of yourself…it’s time to heal all the way through….xo

Hi Morgan,

Look at your sentence My narc ex always seemed sad that he was destroying me. You use the word DESTROY yet you somehow scrape to see an ounce of compassion in the destruction. You are settling for crumbs, girlfriend. And how can you say he “let” you go and get your degree as if you needed his permission. Even he knew that it wouldn’t look good to the world if he deliberately held you back. He may be narcissistic but he’s not stupid. He knows how to play the game. Nothing about anything you described tells me that he cares at all. All it shows me is that he is a textbook narc, playing the seduce and discard game, pretending to care because the truth is, he likes to see you sad because when you’re sad he can pretend he cares, giving you a very false hope. He knows you will grasp at anything to see some ounce of goodness and this is how he gets away with all of it.

Stand up for yourself and let him go. He may not have held you back academically but he sure knows how to hold you back mentally and spiritually and it’s a very covert operation. Do not fall for the ruse because he’ll play it until the end of time.

Zari:)

Hi Rogo,

In my mind, having a narcissistic parent – especially when it’s your mom – must be horrible and I’m sorry if you are going through that. I speak with people often who struggle with this in their life and it’s not easy. It depends a lot on how old a person is and whether they can leave the home and sometimes how far they can get. If there are grandchildren, this can cause a whole other set of problems because the narc grandma is either missing all together (which isn’t always bad) or completely in your business (always bad!).

The truth is that dealing with a narcissist mom has got to be about changing your perspective and not allowing her to “hurt” you (no matter how hard she tries). Even though she’s your mom, you have to remove the “personal” aspect and treat her, in many ways (but not all), like any other narcissist. Sometimes, if the situation is conducive, you have to cut the ties completely. She can’t be allowed to interfere in your own family if you have one. You’d have to put your foot down no matter what the consequences…take a stand for your own life.

It’s very difficult, I know, and you just inspired me to write an article about this. It’s a delicate balance to deal with a narcissistic parent and the reasons are obvious. But you, as a true and loving person, deserve to be happy and there truly are strategies to help you find that. I’m happy to support you….stay strong, my friend…

Zari:)

Hi Marilyn,

I hope you enjoy it! Believe me, if your ex is a narc, you’ll see yourself on every page. I just finished another little book called Narcissism In a Nutshell which lists and describes the 13 most blatant behaviors of a narcissistic partner. I think maybe I’ll send it to you in PDF to the email that you use to post your comments. It will give you a jumpstart! Watch for it….

Be sure to send me your feedback here and also to post a review on Amazon. It really gets the message out. Remember that knowledge really IS power and that recovery, in these types of relationship situations, is really a team effort:) I’m here to support you…

Zari xoxo

Hi Zari as I said in my earlier reply to thank you. I have just ordered your book When love is a lie from Amazon just to set myself straight about narcissism. As I do not know if my former boyfriend was or wasn’t. I think if I read your book I may find out things that yes he was a narcissist. He certainly had some traits but not all of them but maybe I was just being selective in wanting to see only what I wanted to. I will give you some feedback when I have read the book. Marilyn xxxx

Thank you for that Zari. My contact with him is infrequent to say the least. I had just had enough of him to be fair. I am an educated woman and hold down an important position. I really didn’t have time for his silly games and I told him that. I am now seeing someone who is so far away from Roy’s narcissistic love it feels wonderful. I don’t know what he was Zari narcissist or whatever else but I now know he wasn’t my reality. Love to all Marilyn

Tara,
Hi, I too have recently begged on my hands and knees one more chance! And his response was,Why? You’ll just do it again. Because you just keep getting worse, and worse, & worse.” So no forgiveness, the next day as I went about my business ignoring him. He texted me from work like nothing ever happened. As usual. Then a day later he told me about how “his ex just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Until he finally got a divorce.” And it dawned on me that he said that same thing to to me. The crazy thing is, that I met his ex before she was his ex. And she really was as bad as he says. So that’s why I am so confused! As well as the fact that everyone keeps saying that an N doesn’t have any empathy nor can they love. And anow exceptional list of other things that my possible N’s personality does not fit into the criteria. Because he is capable of empathy and can love. Because I do believe that N truly loved me until my attention got diverted in another direction. Thenot he changed. So I believe that as long as he is the only one that I love and pay attention to, he is faithful to and spends all of his time with. But I don’t know if I can get his love back. Or if I even want to.

Hi Marilyn,

My guess is to keep on doing what you are doing – keeping sex or anything sexual out of it. This will keep you from getting the full-on effect of his behaviors that you obviously felt before. The last thing you want to do is feel that again, right? Having said that, you have to decide if it’s a “friendship” worth keeping at all. His intentions – as well as his definition of what “friendship” really is – will always be different than yours. You certainly don’t have to “hate” him at all but you do have to watch how much energy you put into any relationship when you’re not getting anything in return of value.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Tara,

Thank you for writing and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. You will recover from this, I promise, but you have to give yourself a break. We become attached to the perpetrator in the same way that hostages become weirdly attached to their kidnappers. And, no, nobody but someone who has experienced it will ever understand. You have to change your perspective of the situation and this takes time and determination. At some point you simply have to ask yourself if this is way that you want to spend the rest of your life, girl.

Please read through the articles on this site because they will help get you through it. Also, be sure to read the comments below each article because you will see literally thousands of stories just like your own. We are all here to support you. If you feel like talking about it, I can give you a boost toward recovery so please consider a consultation. There are many options and you don’t have to feel isolated or alone in this at all. We all understand.

Stay strong, sister. You are perfect just the way that you are:)

Zari xo

Hi Grace,

Wow…be glad that you are free of THAT creature, girl. He sounds like the typical narcissistic predator on Plenty-o-Fish and let the other girls have at him. Shake yourself off and get back in the swing. Block him and refuse contact no matter what. He shouldn’t be abler to toss you a text whenever he feels like it – and, believe me, he WILL try at some point and when you least expect it just like they all do. Leave no doors ajar…like you say, HE’S DEFINITELY NOT ALL THAT!

Stay strong!

Zari xo

What followed was his insistence that we be exclusive. Little did I know that only restricted my dating others, not him. He would text 30 times a day and profess to miss me, but make no effort to see me. Why did I continue? I am 56 and divorced many years. Ive never had continued attention from men I’ve dated casually, let alone a request for exclusivity.

I ended our situation when he had an affair with my friend and denied it. She told me the truth. He lied constantly about not seeing others, only to be caught in lies. He refused to let me come to his house because he had two roommates, one is a woman. Well, it’s his house, they’re paid boarders! No sensible man prefers to pay $125 for a motel room for intimacy for a few hours when his own home is five minutes away, or let his sex life be impeded by boarders. He claims the woman isn’t a fwb but he lies constantly. He later lied and claimed I was welcome there any time, which is very false.

I told him goodbye, and I believe this time he has several hot replacements that have his attention, because he only tried emailing me five days after no contact. Before, he would blow up my phone with dozens of messages.

He really got under my skin. I pity any woman who is conned by him. He’s definitely not all that!

Hi Degina,

Now, I don’t know enough about this guy to say he’s a full-blown narcissist but what I DO know (from what you’ve shared) is that he’s 1) a BULLY, 2) a BULLY and a user, 3) a BULLY, a user, and a church con man…oh and did I say he’s a BULLY??? Good God…he sounds very strange. Honestly, I’m not so sure about that “virgin” thing and same goes for the “dirty-sex” claims that he was making…but you never know. I do have a feeling that there’s something odd about his parental ties but I don’t know what it is…something seems “off”. I’m also not sure if he really tithed his whole check….did you SEE him tithe his whole check every week or did he just TELL you that’s what he was doing? If you actually saw him doing this, HE IS A SICK MAN, GIRL. Quitting his job and going to bed for days…he’s either a big crybaby or he’s got some kind of depressive disorder. BUT WHO CARES??? LET HIM GET MARRIED….HE IS A CREEPY PERSON.

Look, can you go to a different church? Can you avoid anyone and everyone that you know will happily give you updates on his whereabouts and what he’s doing? Cut the ties that bind. You know those keys will be in the woods again…this is no innocent dude. HE is, in fact, a GOON to beat all GOONS. All narcs make themselves appear to be so happy on FB…it’s really silly and, yes, you need to stay away from it. When I stopped looking, so much of my anxiety and angst went away. This is where that saying “what we don’t know won’t hurt us” comes in very handy.

You’re angry because of the wasted time and the wasted vows AND THAT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL. It’s much better to be mad than sad, my friend. From here on in, I’d skip the marriage part and keep it simple. I don’t know what town you’re in but I picture it small where everyone knows each other’s business. I hope that I am wrong and that you can pull away, creating distance between you and ALL of the nonsense.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Judy wrote…. Someone said if you cut your own hair it means you’ll start afresh. Either that or I’ve gone totally bananas from the stress of being driven insane by the constant mind games

I don’t know who told you that but it’s YOUR interpretation that’s true. It doesn’t work that way. You have to be feeling good FIRST and then cutting your hair becomes a symbol of empowerment…of you happily starting over. If you cut it all off while you’re still feeling sick and wounded, that is typically NOT a good sign. Girl, you need to book a talk with me. Something has to give here…worried about you.

Zari xo

Your welcome, Christen, and thank you for reading!

Zari xo