Plus, now I have read how so many personality disordered ex-husbands use the courts as a forum for retaliating against their ex-wives for leaving them…. it makes up something like 77% of high conflict divorces that end up in court. After going through what I’ve been through, I’d say the most important thing would be to get a lawyer and therapist before you initiate the divorce to make sure you are fully prepared for the oncoming full frontal assault! and if you can get him out or get the kids out of the house and have them with you, then all the better!

Thank you for this article!

Ugh yes, that anxiety/addiction can be so overwhelming! I just ordered your books, looking forward to the additional support I’ll find there.

Hi FoolMeTwice…Your welcome and Thank YOU. The urge to “reach out” during a silent treatment or disappearance almost killed me, I swear. I simply HAD to do it just to lesson the anxiety in my stomach. Whether it was by leaving a note on his door or a voice mail or sending a text…I just had to do it. Then, even if we didn’t connect that minute, I would get a feeling of relief that was amazing – albeit fleeting as it was. If I can STOP you from doing that and help you to realize that it just doesn’t mean anything, I’m happy. Get my book When Love Is a Lie, sister, if you haven’t already read it. You’ll see yourself all over it.

Zari xo

Hi Melissa,

Have no worries. History repeats itself. Check out this article where I explain all about this.

Zari xo

Hi Kelly,

Kudos to you for calling him out and winning in court! I’m sure that caused a bit of narcissistic injury – GOOD! It is hard when they are family, that’s for sure, but you’ve got it down. I wish you nothing but the best in this life…

Zari xo

Hi Heather,

Thank you for reading…I tried to cover every topic and scenario. I survived after 13 years and you can too. You will experience relief, I promise. Practice DETACHMENT and INDIFFERENCE and practice makes perfect. Stay strong!

Zari xo

Trisch wrote…For anyone in a relationship with a narcissist , run, don’t walk, run away as fast as you can. This toxic relationship can cause you harm long after the relationship is over. They will not change, they cannot be fixed, they lack empathy and do not care how much harm they cause you long term.

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

Your article is spot on. I started to notice a pattern during my relationship where my boyfriend would accuse me of doing the very things he was doing. If I ever dared confront him i was crazy, unstable, or had issues loving myself and needed to work on my confidence. The tell-tale sign for me were his comments just as you stated in your article. The hardest part is realizing the person you fell in love with does not actually exist and cutting off all contact 100%.

For anyone in a relationship with a narcissist , run, don’t walk, run away as fast as you can. This toxic relationship can cause you harm long after the relationship is over. They will not change, they cannot be fixed, they lack empathy and do not care how much harm they cause you long term.

Thank you; I also used to be an angel sent from heaven..) THEY say the same crap..

Not answering a question, going on the attack:
When I questioned him about something… If he didnt answer the question, and acted like I was crazy…I knew he was Guilty..i.e, “this is getting old, I can’t help you with your insecurities”

Pose an innocent question, you’re prying:
When asking how his day went, not even being suspicious, and say, ‘ oh, i thought that was next week…”.if I got, “do I have to give you a play by play?” Homey is lying about something….

Adding a detail to try and minimize guilt:
I recall saying, “we both know you did it, might as well admit it”..he said, “well, yeah, but just once”. If it was”just once” he would have said, “yeah, I did, because…”. Adding, “but just once”, told me it occurred more then once…. (like telling a cop you only had 2 drinks) Busted, admitting to something, but it wasn’t that much, is ok…..

The week we broke up, I had told him I knew so many lies he was telling me to my face. He asked what? I told him a few. He said, Maybe you should’ve thought “he’s lying to keep me from getting hurt”. Really? That’s all ya got???? Lmao. I had thought he was smart. Well, when someone sees thru your Bullshit, I guess that is your only comeback. He also said maybe I shouldn’t be “looking for lies”. (meaning I’m jealous and insecure). I didn’t have to look. The amount of lying he did, Id have to be an idiot not to spot some.

That just shows how much he thought his gaslighting had worked. This idiot, is finally over him and he won’t try to Hoover me again, because he knows he can’t fool me and I don’t want him anymore, so on to a new victim. I’m an honest person, and expect others are the same. Now I know to pay attention to things that aren’t normal human behavior nor responses. There’s your sign!

Hi Cass,

I’m grateful that you found your way here and we all know very well what the “a-ha” moment is like! When it dawns on you what this person has actually been up to the whole time, it about knocks you over. Don’t feel humiliated and all that because how could you have known? Narcissists keep us so deliberately distracted by their own accusations (of us) and the overall manipulation that we don’t know up from down. All this bullshit buys them time to do whatever they want whenever they want it with whomever. From here on in, no begging. Stop and listen and you will always know whats up.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Helen,

As I always say, a narcissist lies even when the truth is a better story! In doing this, he can pump himself up if he needs to with others and he can confuse his partner as to what is fact and what is fiction. I agree, it’s crazy.

If you haven’t read my books, please do because they will really help you. Since you like to journal (and I agree that it helps), please check out my codependency workbook for narc abuse victims. It will help you work through the remnants of the relationship and get you to a point of understanding. It was never ever you.

Stay strong,

Zari xo

Hi Andi,

BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! I put a bold “GREAT POST” above your comment because it was spot-on. You are so right…YES! There are so many ways to read the truth in the lies. Thank you for adding to the fun! I laughed right out loud about the last name give-away.

Awesome, girl…I can always use the help…:)

Zari xo

I discovered this some time ago, and it actually has a clinical name: “duper’s delight.” When I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Narcissists deeply believe in their own superiority, and the temptation to rub it in to a victim is too great to resist – they get more fuel out of an interaction when they’ve not only cheated on you, for example, but given you the hint to find it AND YOU DON’T. That’s pure gold for them. Look for the smile; they can’t help it.

My advice? Deliberately refuse to follow/friend them on social media – say “I hate Twitter!” or “I had a stalker on FaceBook – never again”, but have a mutual friend give you her password. They’ll post all day long about what they’re doing, thinking you won’t see it, then bold-faced lie about where they are, who they’re with, and grin like a Cheshire cat all the while. Get a screen shot. Confront them later and watch them twist to find a believable lie. There is nothing a narcissist hates more than being outflanked and cornered with incontrovertible evidence.

A corollary to the very true statement that disparaging a woman means he’s interested in her or already involved, it’s a huge red flag if he ever refers to a woman by her last name. If Linda Patterson suddenly becomes “Patterson”, he’s trying to neutralize her and make her one of the guys. 100% certainty he’s sleeping with her.

There are also alternate methods of projection. Rather than accusing you of something they’re doing themselves, they telegraph what they’ll do by making declarative statements to the contrary, or giving you WAY too much information. “I’ll never do X!” is a dead giveaway that he’s already doing it, and if he starts laying the groundwork to disappear for an evening by dropping hints from 10am on that he’s exhausted, not feeling well, etc., so has a ‘legitimate’ excuse not to see or even text you, engage a PI. Wait for the next day he starts scheming, then have him followed when he leaves work. You’ll find what you’re looking for, and again have time-stamped photo evidence of it.

Keep everything. They think they’re smarter than you are, so they get careless. Play into it – act dumb and happy while you take down every phone number, every piece of the puzzle, every supply source you even suspect. Then when you very unexpectedly expose him, ALL his supply dries up.

THEN you go no contact.