So they’ve been quiet for a while, but then they sent a card & check for my dd’s b-day, & then another for my son’s b-day a few weeks later. I wasn’t sure what to do with it so I put them aside; they are not cashed.

So now my father is emailing me (they are both narcissists I believe) to cash the checks as it’s ‘messing up’ his ‘bookkeeping’. When I ignored the email, sent a few days ago, he today sent another one saying “please respond”, which just validates that it is not ‘messing up’ his bookkeeping, but rather that he’s provoking a response.

The reason I won’t cash the checks is I don’t feel right taking from them when we don’t have a relationship. The kids know there are issues, each to their level of understanding, but I don’t make it worse by putting their cards out etc. I don’t want them sending money anymore but I didn’t want anymore contact either. So he’s provoking this & again I’m resenting it.

At this point I’m leaning toward putting ‘return to sender’ on both envelopes & sending them back, if the PO will do that. Or I could just take the checks & stick them in an envelope & send them back. The thing is I don’t intend on sending a note, because any notes will show an interest in communication – to them, at least.

Such a sticky situation & I really believe they thrive off this stuff.

Taylor wrote… I am wondering if I have to worry about hearing from him one day, and him turning my world upside down more than he has already. I hope at that point I am strong enough to not want him back.

Hi Taylor,

I hear a lot from partners or ex-partners of pro players. Like you said, the false sense of entitlement is crazy. Look, narcissism is not defined by whether a person comes back or not. Even in “normal” break-ups where people cheat (yes, not every cheater is a narcissist), a partner may return. You have to continue on as if he WON’T be back. The bottom line is that this guy is a complete asshole and you don’t need that in your life. A narcissistic pro player is a very busy guy with a world of supply so don’t worry about him returning any time soon, if he even does. Block him so he can’t contact you even if he wants to and you won’t be thinking about it as much. No contact is more for YOU than it is for him. You have to put space…create TIME…from the break-up so that you can heal. No contact means that you won’t be there when and if he EVER returns.

Zari xo

Hi Kevin,

You can imply that, I suppose, if you just read one article. This blog is very open to men who are victims of female narcissists as this article clearly states. If you read the stories in the comment section under that article, you will see many just like your own. Also, I have written a book just for the men about the female narc called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. Because this blog is written from my own experiences and I am a female (who had a narcissistic boyfriend), it only makes sense that I write it from my own perspective. To continually refer to narcs as he/she, her/him etc., doesn’t make for a very good read and takes away from the flow of the article. Other than that, I’m the biggest female advocate for the guys that you’ll find on the internet.

Zari:)

Hi Tired & Drained,

I’m sorry that you are going through this but I can tell that you’ve made your peace with this a long time ago. I give you a lot of credit for not completely cutting them off. I know it is so difficult but you are being so strong. The only thing you can do here is either stop responding or, if you don’t respond, block their email so that all messages go to spam or to a folder that yo don’t have to look at. You could possibly write them a letter and send it snail mail, stating that this is the last straw and you do not want to have to cut them off completely but you will if they don’t stop. I wouldn’t normally say that because narcs, as a rule, do not even deserve an explanation for the cut-off. These are, however, your parents and I don’t know how you feel about doing that. No matter what you do, I agree that it all must end. YOU are NOT the problem.

Let us know what you decide. Children of narcs come to me all the time seeking support and I admit that the issues that spawn from having narcissistic parents are not discussed as much as they should be here or at other sites. We would all appreciate your input and to hear how you handle the situation going forward.

Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo

Hi Lilybean,

Yes, he may be done with you although hoovering by proxy does happen…if it does or you are suspecting it, just ignore it. You have to continue on “as if” he is NEVER going to contact you again. If you want him to be “done” with you, then he is…that’s all there is to it. He can’t have anything to do with you if you don’t allow it. Luckily, narcs are really not motivated people and will not go out of their way to contact you if you block them all around. As long as you ceased looking at posts, you won’t be kept up to date on what he’s doing. Never respond to smear campaigns…they soon fade like everything else.

So, yes, breathe all you want!!

Zari xo

Hi Cindy,

Unfortunately, a narcissist can no more be a good parent than he can be a good partner and children inevitably suffer. However, what can you do about that? The choice to make no contact include the children as well has to come from the other parent, if there is one, and even then that could become a legal issue. So, I guess my answer to your question is it should mean the children that he abused too but that unfortunately isn’t always possible. In that case, it would be up to the other parent to run interference as best as possible to ensure that the children get the help that they need.

Zari xo

Does no contact mean the children he abused too? I took a step-mother role with them and they have been left with an eating disorder, panic disorder and addictions.

Hi Sara,

Wise words that say it all! Thank you for sharing:)

Zari xo

Hi Bradley,

Well, it’s posts like THAT that keep ME motivated to keep the mission going strong! Congrats on your promotion and what a sweet, amazing REVENGE if there ever was one. Let your happy speech and you as the center of attention be the last thing that bitch remembers as she staggers through her miserable life. Rock on, brother!

Zari xo

“Even if he leaves you, that should mean for you no contact game on! And make sure the door hits him on the way out! ” …followed by ” cut the asshole off at the knees”….it gave me the motivation I needed.

I did slam the door on her ass…by shutting down all means of communication, especially work instant messaging. And changing my schedule to not see her at work over the last 41 days.
My ” little win” today is that despite never ever going TWO DAYS in the last four years without contact……when she disappeared, so did I. 37 days ago. And from work calls we have attended (one yesterday), she knows I got a promotion, knows everyone made me the centre of attention on the call (which she would hate) and knows that when I had to talk for 15 minutes, I sounded powerful, happy, confident and energetic. This is NOT the person that was a bundle of anxiety, insecurity, confusion, uncertainty and pain…just 37 days ago. I’m coming back…I’m finding me again.

Thanks for your support.
Stay strong everyone…….be happy.
Brad

Hi Moski,

Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. If you can, please download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because I think it’s exactly what you need right now. We can’t beat ourselves up for having loved these people because, seriously, it wasn’t our fault. How were we supposed to know if we’d never experienced the dynamics of this kind of relationship. It’s not abnormal to assume that the person that we love and who supposedly loves us back is telling us the truth. Narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. They are very convincing. I can’t even count the times I took my back over and over rather than fathom that he really meant to do what he did! It can be a very passive-aggressive kind of evil.

I apologize for taking so long to respond and I hope you are doing okay. Keep reading here and at similar sites and please do get the book if you can. It will give you a new perspective on the situation, I guarantee it.

Stay strong and write anytime…I’m here to support you:)

Zari xo

Hi Amy,

Oh my…ignore the bastard. PLEASE BLOCK HIM from being able to contact you so that this doesn’t happen. Until you do that, you will never be able to move forward. Block every access…phone, text, social media. if he writes, return to sender. It’s the only way!! if you can, read my book Narcissist Free which will help you get past this point and on with your life. No more!

Stay strong!!

Zari xoo

Hi Amy,

No, you’re not the narc. I guarantee it. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will confirm what I am saying. In this book, I explain my 13-year nightmare with a narcissistic boyfriend and the games that he played and how I reacted to every one. I did exactly what you did and he responded as well…that’s all part of it. Everything is about making us appear – even to ourselves – as the crazy one, the one who won’t leave them alone, the Drama Queen.

I assure you…the way you are feeling right now is just what he intended. However, the truth is that YOU were never the problem.

Zari xo

Tries contacting me again. Just to say bye I’m better than the lost soul u told me I am.

Ugh.