Comments on: Narcissists & The Substance Abuse Excuse

By: Joanna S Ayres

Joanna S Ayres — Wed, 22 May 2019 20:26:46 +0000

Hi Bleak,
Joanna here. I have done tons of phone sessions about my alcoholic narc. In fact a narc will do anything necessary to get there supply. If it’s alcohol they will tell you they want to marry you have kids and love bomb you. You become codependent just like we do w a narc when we are all out of money or had it with there narcissistic drunk foolishness or they
Are pissed we are out of money on to the next female they can drink with. Alcoholism is a disease npd is a dx meds and therapy can’t help they are God just like drunks. 80% of alcoholics never get clean as once again nothing is wrong state of denial. Most die drunks. Ever heard of a dry drunk I suggest you go on psychology today and read about addiction and narcs. Try dating a dry drunk good God now an even meaner narc. I myself have used that line and said she is not a therapist who is she to tell me what to do. I’ll tell you this every time I take her advice my life goes well when I use that mean line at her I’m booking again and apologizing profusely. Zari, since you are basically a celebrity let’s get you that l.c.s.w. degree if anyone can rock the mic it’s zari and rock the mic right. It’s her page I give you a Jesus pass father forgive her she knows not what she do.we forgive you bleak now I’m going to hustle to help zari get that license as I want to be a therapist as well. #rhodeislandstandup #teamzariballard

By: Andrew Nolen

Andrew Nolen — Mon, 20 May 2019 12:46:47 +0000

When I met my Narc, she was a full blown alcoholic, or so I thought. She would get stupid drunk. Not long after we met, she drank a whole 5th of Gentleman Jack at my company BBQ and acted an ass. I took her home and she physically assaulted me in front of my kids. Finally I got her in the house and she became violently ill, vomiting all night, It was one of the worst nights of my relationship with her. I told her it was me or the drinking. It was like she turned it off like she had a thermostat. This should have been a red flag to me. Normal folks just don’t turn off an addiction. She did and used it to her advantage, as she would want me to praise her for doing so well at controlling her alcohol intake and behavior. She fueled off of Pitty and Praise. I also found boxes of cigarettes when I helped her move out of her house and in with me. I only saw her smoke a cigarette twice in our relationship. She stopped cold turkey when she met me and for what reason I dont know, because I occasionally smoke. So I think Zari is very much on to something here.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 04 May 2019 08:12:00 +0000

In reply to bleak.

Hi bleak,

You can beg to differ, of course. I don’t know why you are calling me out because I clearly state that it was just my THEORY based on my experiences talking and corresponding with 1000’s of narcissist abuse victims where the narcissist was a substance abuser. I am not making any “claim” at all. Since this is my blog, I can post any theory I feel appropriate.

Another thing: a narcissistic personality can NEVER be cured and that’s a fact that any PROFESSIONAL will tell you. I assume when you say that “narcissism” is “cured” by the 12-steps, you speak of the BEHAVIORS which tend to be narcissistic in nature that cease to exist once an substance abuser stops abusing, right? This may be true but the narcissists that we talk about here on my blog and in my books remain the same whether they abuse a substance or not. The behaviors in a true narcissist continue and can not be cured.

Thanks for writing in…

Zari:)

By: bleak

bleak — Thu, 28 Mar 2019 05:54:07 +0000

Oh, I beg to differ.

I appreciate your experience with narcissists in general and alcoholics and drug addicts peripherally but, from my experience as a real (and recovered for many years) alcoholic and drug addict, mind-altering substances (especially alcohol) do not discriminate between different types of psychological disorders. Period. In fact, the lowest common denominator of alcoholics is narcissism. Page 62 of Alcoholics Anonymous states, “Selfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.” And it is.

So what is the difference between an alcoholic in general and an alcoholic/narcissist? Not a damn thing and it only varies by degrees. Any real alcoholic will use any means at his or her disposal to live their chaotic and destructive life without the least bit of consideration for anyone, but again, with varying degrees of subterfuge. Isn’t that what a narcissist does? And the conniving manipulation of others is especially applicable to the real alcoholic. I know this from my experience and the experience of other alcoholics with whom I’ve recovered.

I’m reading your book, When Evil Is A Pretty Face, Zari. In it, you state that you are not doing a clinical analysis of narcissists and that your writing is based on your non-professional experience. That’s fine. My point is that because you are not a professional psychologist or psychiatrist, you (or anyone IMO) cannot draw a line and make the claim that a N can’t be a real alcoholic (or drug addict).

Another thing; there is a cure for the narcissism in alcoholics. The twelve steps of AA.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 07 Feb 2019 20:28:38 +0000

In reply to Susan Christensen.

Hi Susan!

Thank you so much for writing in, for sharing your story (so sorry for all that happened!) and also for validating my theory on narcissists and substance abuse! Isn’t it the weirdest thing ever how they can start and quit, drink or do drugs and go to work, move beyond and even bypass the typical hangover,etc. Some people might contribute the ability to do this to simply being a so-called ‘functional addict’ but anyone who has ever been with a narcissistic partner/substance abuser knows it goes far beyond this. It is almost a SUPERHUMAN ability because even ‘normal addicts’ have limitations. Thus, my theory was born! I believe it all stems from a narcissist’s inability to ATTACH to absolutely ANYTHING…even a chemical!

I am grateful you are on a journey to discovery and if you ever need to talk about, I do provide consultations and would be happy to offer whatever insight I could into your situation. Hang on to that psychologist because if she has helped in any way, she’s a keeper! No one deserves to be emotionally abused or to be subjected to narcissistic shenanigans. Once we see through it…once we have the eye-opening moment, the path is there for us. We just have to put one foot ahead of the other to find our way out. I am coming out with a new book that talks all about the recovery and re-building what the narc tried so hard in the relationship to destroy so watch for it. It’s called Vacancy in the (Relationship) Rabbit Hole.

I wish you nothing but the best, sister! Enjoy your life and all the goodness it can bring to you….

Zari xo

By: Susan Christensen

Susan Christensen — Tue, 22 Jan 2019 09:14:48 +0000

Hi – Zari I do believe you have e real point there concerning Narcissists and their alcohol addiction. My (soon to be ex) husband of 34 years has all through the years and more so when he was younger – he is 72 now – been able to drink heavily for days at a time – and I mean really heavily – and he NEVER has hangovers and he can always stop drinking, no matter for how long a period he has been drinking, like cold turkey and never has withdrawal symptoms!! He is a workaholic and gets up at 3.30 am and even if he went to bed at say 11.00 pm really, really drunk to the point where he would be unable to talk, he would ALWAYS get out of bed on time the next morning and be able to drive to work and work hard for say 10 hours! Sometimes he had sober periods of a month or more and that didn’t bother him one bit. I have always wondered about this and I don’t know anybody who could do the same….P.S: I have just finished reading your book “When love is a lie”. It was a real eye-opener for me and even though I’ve been in this marriage 34 years I really didn’t know anything about this personality disorder. Well…I did know something was really off and my husband fits all the traits and I am in total disgust and amazement that I stayed in the marriage for so long…..In September my husband announced that he wanted a divorce and that he had found a new love. She is a young (married with two kids)employee in the firm where he is the boss. I was in total shock and hadn’t seen it coming. I cried for 2 months – I couldn’t eat – I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t think..A total mess. In November I started seeing a psychologist and she has helped me to stop crying and start to think straight. I did a bit of detective work and the affair has been going on for more than a year, but also he has been having sex with all sorts of dubious characters over many years..My goodness a wake-up call… So now I am searching to get knowledge about this Narcissist trait and apart from your marvellous book, I have read “Emotional Vampires” by Albert J. Bernstein and have been listening to various therapists on Youtube…Thanks to your enlightening words and the bit at the end of the book about “Stop spinning – start breathing” I do believe I will come out of this mess with my head up and my feet firmly on the ground. I am glad that I am 71 and not on the market for a new partner..I am afraid I would fall all over again for the same type of charming, unreliable SOB!
Thanks for being there and offering advice for us..
Best regards
Susan

By: Christopher Dunn

Christopher Dunn — Thu, 03 Jan 2019 19:05:05 +0000

Being with the a Narcissist is like sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised – you could waste your whole life sitting in front of it only to realise it’s nothing but a reflection of your heart’s desire

By: Gay Berg

Gay Berg — Thu, 22 Nov 2018 02:10:20 +0000

The bible talks about pseudo alcoholism. Yes I lived the fake drunk story 28 years.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 19:00:52 +0000

In reply to mag.

Hi Mag,

I understand about addiction but you are missing the point of my article. I am basing my “theory” on many, many examples where “addiction” – with a narcissist – becomes just another tool of manipulation and can be turned on and off at whim without seemingly no trouble at all. It doesn’t even appear the same as a person who has a physical addiction and goes through withdrawals, etc. They can turn it on and off at very convenient times. It is a very strange thing to watch given all that we’ve learned about addiction and how it works. This is an observation and I was just putting it out there. Too many people have told me the same story and I couldn’t ignore it. Thank you for writing in….

Regards,

Zari

By: mag

mag — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 17:00:20 +0000

Addictions are complicated. Because people are complicated and our brains are complicated. The best reasearched addiction is alcohol addiction. And even then there are several subtypes of addicted persons. Only very small number can stop addiction if they want – generally before they have biological dependence. So THC addiction is theoretically easier to stop than alcohol addiction, when you are motivated. Most of addicts have some type of personality disorder. So IMO saying that narcissist can stop if they really want is generalization. Big enough generalization that it is untrue. Thinking that you can stop addiction if you want is the fantasy about omnipotent control. Both co-dependent and narcissist tend to think that. As the autor says – narcissists she knew – stopped for some time and started substance abuse again. So yes – they were addicts with periods of abstinence – when they were motivated. So still addicts.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 00:23:12 +0000

In reply to Aly.

Aly wrote… I totally believe he’s using the (AA) meetings to prey on others..especially women. It’s the PERFECT territory for a predator…

Hi Aly,

That’s exactly right. I hear it time and time again. Any type of “support” meeting for the narc’s “issues” becomes another fun thing to do, a place to go where they have an automatic clean slate, and a roomful of vulnerable people who can be preyed upon. Very, very twisted. Trust your intuition…so far, you are spot-on.

Zari:)

Yes!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 00:16:54 +0000

In reply to Jennifer.

Hi Jennifer,

When he told you that he could stop at anytime with no issue, that’s what I call “a narcissist’s snippet of truth”. He’s right…which goes with my theory. He doesn’t stop because he doesn’t WANT to stop…and, moreover, he wants to make you a participant. Girl, just the fact that he is pushing for threesomes…get away from this asshole. He’s telling you flat out that he wants to be with other people. There’s no reason to stay around or to even be sad. He knows right from wrong, he just doesn’t give a shit! Don’t go back…

Stay strong,

Zari

By: kristina f. daniels

kristina f. daniels — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 20:43:14 +0000

I have gone from one of your posts to another for a couple of days now and am in awe! It amazes me that the “N” is so predictable from one to the other…it is like another breed that we do not hear about…EVERYONE of your articles is one I relate to and see the pattern over and over again.
My “N” is a 62 yo male…. thinks he is so cool ..never married.. several relationships..all failed ..I was trying to get him to quit drinking and only after I caught him cheating with miss 30ish and broke up with him ..NOW he has quit drinking and doing drugs and going to church…from a falling down daily drunk to sober in a week…I almost fell for it…

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 18:03:30 +0000

This one is a bit confusing for me. I was with my ex N for just a year and a half. From my observations he was an alcoholic and was addicted to porn, gambling, and meth. I never saw him able to stop any of those things but he would always say that he could stop any at any given time with no issue. Maybe he just didn’t want to? Idk he tried manipulating me into things I didn’t want to do. The biggest was threesomes. I never did it with him but he would constantly try and push me to do it. He would break up with me to try and manipulate. He finally found a better supply and I’ve been NC for 5 days now. I do not want to go back to that hell.

By: Aly

Aly — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 23:03:50 +0000

This narc told me he was 30 years clean from meth and attends AA meetings regularly. Finally realizing he is a narcissist, I couldn’t comprehend how he could be working a program. The program, as you know, stresses abolishing character defects, confessing one’s faults and cleaning up past wrongs. How in the hell does he get away with this in a 12-step program?! Because he’s only showing his good side during meetings and when he supposedly “works” with a sponsor. It’s a façade. I totally believe he’s using the meetings to prey on others..especially women. It’s the PERFECT territory for a predator…and I’m so disgusted because that’s where he manipulated me.

By: Larry Abruzzo

Larry Abruzzo — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 23:56:09 +0000

I think I agree with you. My ex went from drinking a lot
to stopping routinely. She did the same with her faith and going to church. Everything with her was either on or off, even her sexual habits, from full slut to abstaing from sex. Nothing was constant with her. Is this normal for many narcissists?

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 21:14:43 +0000

In reply to KittieKelly.

Yet narcs are addicts in that they absolutely cannot escape the need for supply, so they are, in a very real sense, attached to that.

Hi KittieKelly,

You are right about that but don’t forget that “attachment”, in a narcissist’s world, has an entirely different definition. lol In a narcs world, these attachment come and go and change in an instant so are they really “attachments” or just fleeting “events” that satisfy an immediate urge but can be easily dismissed? So complicated, isn’t it? Hard to wrap our head around it. Thanks for writing…

Zari:)

By: Gable Young

Gable Young — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 20:01:44 +0000

I think that you may be on to something here. My ex used a lot of pot, cocain, and nitrous oxide to name a few but seemed to be able to go on a vacation with no withdraw. Heck I didn’t even know about it for most of my 26 year marriage. It actually gives me some hope because my 20 year old son acts very much like his father but seems to have problems controlling his addictions. At this point I think anything is better than a narcissistic diagnosis. I guess that only time will tell.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 13:45:51 +0000

Thanks for another great post Zari. I could see this pattern absolutely in other areas for sure, and so this also makes perfect sense to me. All of it, was as, …just exactly as you describe. X’s

By: KittieKelly

KittieKelly — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 07:57:37 +0000

Fascinating, Zari. Yet narcs are addicts in that they absolutely cannot escape the need for supply, so they are, in a very real sense, attached to that. If the additional substance addiction forms part of their supply, as is generally thought, then surely they will have to find another such source in their new relationships (assuming they have kicked the original habit cold turkey)? No one person, new relationship or not, is going to be able to satisfy their craving?