Hi veradero….first, this is my blog and my experience is with a narcissistic boyfriend so that is a big reason and second, I do try to use “he or she” as often as possible (but it doesn’t make for easy reading) or sometimes I will put a disclaimer in at the beginning of the article. I understand the problem and just do the best that I can to be inclusive. Thank you for writing…

Hi Donna,

Well, apparently, someone already has told him he’s a narc and he’s looked it up. Guys don’t just come up with words like “compartmentalizes” to describe their behaviors. When a partner who you suspect to be a narc starts casually spewing the lingo and buzz words, you can pretty well be sure he’s been called it before and had to look it up. My theory is that it actually fascinates them….gives them an “out” for their behaviors. I wouldn’t say anything to him or even anyone else except those who might “get it”. Unless a person has actuially experienced the madness, they typically don’t know what the hell we’re saying.

Tonight something happened that perfectly illustrates what I’m describing. There had been a thunderstorm earlier in the evening. We went for a drive together and the roads were still wet. A motorcyclist was in the lane beside ours. He doesn’t like people who ride motorcycles and decided to alternately start speeding up and slowing down in order to hit puddles so that he could splash the guy. Predictably, the guy got mad and started yelling at my husband. My husband rolled down my window to shout back but I promptly rolled it back up again. He continued to engage in this behavior and was clearly enjoying himself at the expense of this complete stranger he referred to as a “fat f**k”. Within minutes, we’d returned home and were out walking past a house a couple of doors down from ours and saw that one of the neighbor’s trees had been severely damaged in the storm. My husband motioned to the guy (someone we don’t know) who was looking out his living room window, and offered to help move the large tree branch that’s broken off the tree.

The one aspect that makes me question if my fiance is a narcissistic, even though he has almost every other sign, is that I don’t think he would ever just up and leave with no feelings. We have broken up where he has moved out of our house three times in the last 12 years, because of his constant partying and womanizing in the past, but we always end up staying in touch and obviously reconciling. One of the reason that he cites for getting back together, is how beautifully our blended family gets along together.

But still, although he has initiated divorce proceedings at least three times in his country of origin, he has yet to follow through to the end. So I sit here as the eternal fiancee while he gets all the benefits of having a wife, and I have none of the certainty that he will ever follow through and make it legal.

He is currently visiting his home country, and I am feeling more compartmentalized than ever. Last night was his birthday, and his friend gave him an epic party that lasted nearly 18 hours. In all that time, he never tried to call me, message me, or let me know that everything was okay (his country has political unrest so the threat of kidnapping is very real). I messaged him multiple times but I’m not sure he got the messages because he wasn’t connected to internet. When I finally called him, he picked up the phone and acted like everything was normal. It’s like he just put me in this little box to the side for 18 hours, and opened me back up again when he was free. He did the same thing when getting ready for the trip, he would go shopping for hours with his nephews and not call or message me, and then when they returned home, took me back out of the box and acted like he hadn’t disappeared for all that time.

I know many of your readers suffer with no contact for days… And I know that I’m blessed and don’t really have that. Normally we talk every few hours everyday because we are both self-employed and have the freedom to do that. But when he is with his friends, with his family, or doing some other activity, I am just set to the side until he needs me again. He doesnt help at all with housework and is extremely jealous of me having any other relationships (cultural or ??), so his attention is probably more important to me than a “normal” husband’s would be. Is there any hope for me ever feeling peaceful and stable in this relationship?

Hi Allegra,

I suspect him of being a narcissist and am hoping it’s not as bad as it probably is. Girl, it is. Your post says it all. And yes, you absolutely deserve better. Sure, he may be a distraction from everything else going on but pretty soon, if you are not careful, suddenly you will realize that he is the ENTIRE problem. It would be great if we could stay detached and if the relationship “rules” set forth by this person weren’t a ridiculous double standard, but this isn’t the case. And dare I say your description of his occupation…well, reason enough to leave, sister. It will only cause you pain. I was an army wife for seven years and his job was exactly as you say of yours and it was hell on earth. It’s a life of deception that they enjoy and what normal person would WANT to be at the tail end of that on the home front. I say take the fun that you’ve had and leave now before things start spinning. If you ever want to talk about it, book some talk time with me. I’d be happy to share my experiences all around, girl. Thank you for reading and I am here to support you….

Zari xo

I admit the relationship is, has, been a refuge of sorts, because I’m going through a lot. My life as I know it is crumbling (independently of him). He takes me away, on his frequent trips, I can escape from my reality but in truth it’s another form of boxing things: his friends, his parents, his job and colleagues. And me about once a week, or when he goes away. He’s in the armed forces and basically spies on people for a living.
In my heart of hearts I know I deserve better.
The sad truth is, I’m still grateful for it. I think it’ll be a long ride (for me to get out of this).
You’re a great writer, and I’ll be reading more when I can…

Hi Female,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so spot-in in how you now view the relationship between him and ex. YES, he absolutely did all those things, made her feel a certain way, manipulated and controlled the situation to his benefit…just as he has done with you and will do with everyone else he encounters until the day he dies. And while it may be “sad” that this is who he is, if he doesn’t worry about it, why should we??!! LOL Better to live our lives and make the most of it. The thing about these people is that the game just never gets old and therefore they have no problem just wasting our lives away. It can not be allowed because time flies too fast. before you know it, another year will have passed. So much better to be free!

Btw, narcs seem have a “thing” about trannies, I swear to God. It’s so weird but it’s true! To a narc, it’s a no-boundaries, no-preference world!!!

Stay strong and thank you so much for sharing your story…

Zari xo

I just came across two of your article “How the Married Narcissist Plays His victims” and the above. I have research a whole lot on narcissism but these two articles where extremely clarifying. I wanted to mention also something very interesting, my soon to be ex-husband even used the worlds compartmentalize in regards to his life, he used to say that he had to compartmentalize, thats the only way he’s life could work.

I was with him over nine years and all this while he kept me a secret from his ex-wife and child, claiming she was so crazy that it was the only way until the child was eighteen and I bought in. I am presuming his ex-wife was probably so hurt and resentful it may have caused here to be as vindictive as she was, she would refuse for him to introduce the child or have the child over night. I am presuming she had such a horrible time with his previous affairs and how he left her when the baby was only weeks old it left deep scars.

I presume he kept her “warm” too in order to get narcissistic supply from her as well and so she never let go of the hope of them being together. He would go on exotic holiday with them and claim he had to. He would then tell me how was suffering being around her but in retrospect I am sure it was all nice and they “played” family.

He discharged of me the moment I sent his ex-wife a very polite email explaining the reality that he had re-married and suggested that she move on with her life too. I was at the breaking point and before yet another holiday with the ex-wife and child where Iw as excluded.

Presuming, at that point, I destroyed his compartmentalized life and thus was no longer useful as narcissistic supply.

He also never wanted me to work and I did belive we would be together forever.

He made me move ut so that he could have his child there which didn’t know about me, something I agreed too. He claimed he would not date, even if we where not together before the child was eighteen.

Once I was out and the child in, he started to warm up to me again giving me hope, wound come over to my new apartment for drinks, started calling daily to talk about him (of course) similar to what he probably did with his ex-wife. I left for a trip to see family and later found out he had an affair with a transgender. A day before leaving on my trip he asked if i could stay with him, a few days later he had the transgender over (I saw the photos from our bedroom) and then proceeded to take this person on a very expensive luxury trip on our account. Similar to what he did to me when we first met and what he also did to the girlfriend before me. Presuming these trips are this way of capturing new narcissistic- supply.

He even had me buy his sister a air ticket to come care for the child while he was going on this trip. Obviously he did not tell me he was going with someone.

This is longer then I planned. Hope it can help other reader in the same situation.

It is hard to realize that love was only something you gave and to a person incapable of returning those feeling to anyone but it is also helpful in realizing it and that no one should use their life with someone not capable of loving.

In the end its very, very sad for a narcissist and the winner is always going to be the one that has the emotional register of loving and caring for others, that is what gives meaning to life.

Hi Steph,

Listen, this guy is stringing you hoping, hoping to keep you “in the queue” indefinitely because this is what narcissist’s do! You’ll never be able to convince him that he’s making a mistake because he’s going to do what he feels like doing in the moment. He’s a liar and you have wasted enough time with him. This “bad” behavior of his is as GOOD as it’s ever going to get so there is no “better and stronger”. We all want that and this is why we hang in there, wasting our lives away. He has no problem wasting your life while he does exactly as he pleases. Of course he lies to her AND to you. It’s really sickening. He is pathological and it must stop.

You should start the divorce without him. File and get the ball rolling. If you were his “best friend and soul mate”, he’d be with YOU, not her. Narcissist’s always pull that one and why we fall for it I’ll never know. I did the same thing. Begin your life with your daughter and find the happiness that you deserve.

Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo

He let her call him michael even so in all thise years tigether i never heard anyone calljng him that as he always hated it. So why let her????
Same with clothes she been buying him a brand new wardrobe. And he let her. New name new clothes???

Now if in love with her why keep lying/hidding things??
He said that once he is on better ground with her as things are a bit shaky right now because of his lies he will introduce the fact I am his friend to her and believe she will accept it. Really???talk about living in dream land. I know she won’t.
Now I know my emotions are all over the place so to be honest right now yes I would have him back. Might different in 6 months time.

I also got this dreadful feeling that he is making the biggest mistake he has ever made.
I believe we can still have that stronger and better. But like I said might be different later.

I need to understand what all this mean. The texts me and hidding it to her???

I know he lied to his dad about when they meet so neither of them are seen as a bad guys. Which to me come as they are still living a lie as neither of them are facing the truth.

What does he mean about his feelings and best friends?I know it might be just that. But still a bit confused.

What about hidding the texting??
Why doesn’t he want to talk divorce??he said to much to sort out with her before we can talk about it??

And can they last? Can they have a true relationship?
She keep texting me to move on. Is that because she feel treaten by me in some way and if I move on then she is safe with him???

Can you please give me some insight into all this???
I am trying to get on with my life with my daughter but everytime I start it feel like I am being pulled back in by them. Her texting move on and is he telling the truth.
By him when he says I don’t want to talk divorce right now and you are my best friend and soulmate and care a lot about you???

Just don’t know where or what to do. Or even if there is a chance still to save marriage.
Just so confused.

He triangulated me with a much younger woman under the guise of helping or “mentoring” and when I emailed her helpful information outside of the original request, he went insane on me. Literally had a glimpse of the compartments because he told me I invaded his private life by emailing his friend and going on about how he seperates his friends from each other and his family. Each relationship is his “private” relationship and I disobeyed him by invading that privacy. But he set me up by triangulating me! Apeshit crazy town!

When I ran into him yesterday he acted like I was a monster and when he said “It will take time to be friends” even though he was the one who hurt me and dumped me, I realized that in his weirdo mind, he really believes I am the the one who was wrong and I hurt him. It is not logical.

We can’t help or fix them. Even if people say we are demonizing them by having blogs or commenting, we still need to have a place where we can “get it.”

I think I am finally over wanting closure or validation from someone who treated me so badly in such a short amount of time. It hurt and made me feel dumb and pathetic, but in the end, we are really talking about adult people who act like they are in primary school.

The danger, of course, is falling for another monster’s love bombing or even the same monster. Knowing that they are incapable or real love and real intimacy and replace it with intensity and drama is helpful.

We can use these losers as a learning process. I realize what was so appealing for me, and I have also been looking into my past traumas. I needed validation but subconsciously I needed validation that I am worthless.

fuck that. I am awesome! We all need to remember that even though the love bombing is not sincere, It is mirroring and everything was a projection of the person they wanted to steal, consume or destroy.

Hi Ajarn,

Oh, I agree whole-heartedly. Narcissism is everywhere…it’s become part of the fabric of our society. I would take it a step further and say that our governments are filled not with narcissists but with sociopaths and psychopaths. The narcissists exist down here with us common folk…the general population. When certain narcissists become so polished that they can not only fool individuals but entire populations (big or small), they are rewarded with nefarious positions to match their escalating talents.

Since I lean toward the conspiratorial side on many things, I’d have to take it even further and say that the sociopaths/psychopaths at the top have even proven that compartmentalization, at that level of evil, is no longer needed…that, in fact, a life of border-free (so to speak) living – where one can watch all one’s victims squirm together and amongst themselves all at once (free of compartments) – is much preferred. The agenda becomes that much more sinister.

Oh I could go on and on and if this was a political blog I would. I probably have more to say about that than I even have to say about this!

Thanks for writing…

Zari:)

Hi Kay,

You go, girl! I hope to God that you’re still feeling as strong as you did two weeks ago when you wrote your post. (Forgive me for not responding sooner – I’m in catch-up mode). When the narcissist is your husband, things become complicated of course but not impossible. The fact that you’ve combined nothing and that you retained your own home shows amazing fortitude on your part. Take advantage of your intuitive good judgement and get out of there. You absolutely DO deserve to be happy, sister.

Stay strong!!

Zari xo

I’m glad you’re out of that situation now because from what I’m reading, it sure is making me suspicious as well! Your gut instinct is spot on. Why not introduce you to this nurse, if it’s all so perfectly harmless? That excuse about them supposedly joking in a way you wouldn’t understand is complete bullshit (excuse the French but there’s no other word for it). I think that if he were an upstanding guy and if this person were just a platonic friend, he would have introduced you to her. The secrecy behind the phone call is also very suspect. What is the need for secrecy, if there’s nothing to hide?

That just isn’t normal in a good relationship. My boyfriend has been proud to introduce me to his good friends and family. It makes me realize how awful being with the narc really was (when he treated me like a dirty little secret). When a man actually cares about a woman, he’ll want to make her a part of his world and integrate her with the rest of his life. Not to mention, he’ll be transparent with her, to build trust. Narcs are just incapable of this.

I’m glad you’re putting yourself first now and not lowering yourself to his level. We all deserve to only be with those who will match our integrity.

Emma, I’m so sorry you went through that and months ago, that could have been me who wrote that…believe me that I have been there and done that. Hang in there! You weren’t eaten by the wolf, because you’re here and developed the self-awareness to leave that drama behind. You may feel a bit bruised, but you weren’t destroyed. Right now you’re still reeling and might not see it, but recovery is possible. I have been where you are and now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been with a real, loving relationship and other good things happening in my life. If it happened for me, it can for you too. In hindsight even the sex wasn’t as great as I thought it was at the time, because it wasn’t based on any real emotion (and for me, it needs to have some emotional component to be good, not just physical). Hang in there!

Hi Diane,

So great to hear from you! I love the Bill Clinton reference to compartmentalization – so right you are!! He is the Master!!

Yes, unfortunately, it all starts coming back to us little by little…all those clear signs of the narcissist’s manipulation that we let pass as it was happening (no doubt because he was keeping us so busy with far more important chaos). And I’m sure you are exactly right about the nurse because, like little children, the narc ALWAYS gives himself away in everything that he does. This is why every trip the N took with “the guys”…every silent treatment that occurred for no reason at all…every phone call that catches the N off-guard and spawns a story…every “negative” comment about the bankteller that cashed his check…all of it is suspect!! Your ex’s mentioning of the nurse was probably done not so much to push your buttons but rather “to get it out of the way” (the lie by omission) since the call had just happened. But just IN CASE you were having a suspicion, the immediate sex, of course, was to make you think “Well, he’s having sex with me so she’s no big deal…”. OR we could really go out on a limb here and say that he WAS trying to make you jealous while relying on the fact that you, a person who he KNOWS tries so hard to NOT be a jealous person, would REFRAIN from acting jealous, whereby allowing him to continue the charade with the nurse unfettered!!!! Holy Crap – it’s enough to make us breathless. There is end to the rabbit hole, is there, girlfriend???

I’m so glad that you wrote because you often cross my mind…our phone conversation and everything that happened…the fact that you are still exploring the deception, taking it all in, moving forward day by day is an inspiration to me and should be for all of us. Survival is so very possible. The best to you always, my friend:)

Zari xo

Hi Sweet One,

I’m so late getting back to all and so sorry! Isn’t it crazy when you figure out why nothing they ever said to you added up (but you could never figure out the variable)? Your guess is as good as mine why they are ALL the same worldwide but, to be fair, I have to say that a narcissist personality is considered a “disorder”. If this is true, then that would explain the consistencies but I don’t care about that. The fact is that we are dealing with adults who KNOW right from wrong but simply don’t care. They will stomp on a person’s SOUL to get what they want and then move on without a smidgen of guilt or remorse. In fact, they will blame YOU for the end of the relationship. So creepy and such a waste of time.

If you get a chance to read my books, please do because you will relate to all of what I write. I did it for 13-years and lived to tell about it – and so will you! Thank you for writing and please do as often as necessary. This is a place of support:)

Zari xo

Hi Christine
yes and how scary regarding sex. -me- little bambi eaten by the wolf.( alias me (innocent dickhead) thought…. as i had not ever experienced such fantastic sex with a man like i did with N – just innocently thought it ( as us women do) that must have been the same way for him but no….. sadly this is not the reality… i have now been subjected to the silent treatment again for the millionth time now for 9 weeks and am on NC and hope to be free one day from this nightmare. he does not care if he has sex with me again – the power and control is more important. this is what has killed me the most. i thought that the sex (as it was so good – alias love for me) was really important to him but no his ego is the most important thing and his power is more of a kick for him. so so shattering… that actually blows me away…. or alternately makes me want to vomit. so so scary and so frightening that we have been in bed with a maniac that can manipulate so so much. i am very sad albiet destroyed with shock.