Comments on: Narcissists and Sex: Why Anything Goes…

By: Simone Furukawa

Simone Furukawa — Tue, 05 Dec 2023 22:22:38 +0000

As I read your post I cry deeply that there are many women who have suffered this abuse like myself…. And I am so sorry. I read your words like they were my own.. but unfortunately being so submissive I was the toy he used over and over knowing fully that he knew I was only doing it for him and his happy thoughts….I feel sick everyday knowing that I betrayed my body so much …just to please someone I thought may change…
They are ugly monsters. Vampires of the days…sucking every good part of you away……
….I am afraid to tell people of his doings as I know many would turn and say…..you had the choice to leave, so why did you stay?”……..to forgive yourself is the hardest thing and it plays on your mind like a broken record over and over……

I’m am so sorry for all women and men who have similar nightmares…..

By: Linda Mathia

Linda Mathia — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 15:29:09 +0000

Many times during my 4 year relationship the end the sex we had felt like violation. He would say that he wouldn’t cuddle me after an argument until I had brought us closer, and I was still reeling from his abuse and struggled to feel close. Sex felt more like rape in those times like that and I hated myself for it. Also, he was always wanting me to describe sex with other men ‘during’, and would have happily brought other men into the equation. Turned out he had done just that before and had tried with everyone he met to get them to comply. He sold the story well, describing them as a Sex Toy! But when I asked him what he did while this was happening, he said that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t something he wanted to bring into our relationship. I now know that he apparently had ‘sexual tension’ with a previous flat mate, and that was who his earlier partner and him lived with… so I think I know what he was doing now as she was the partner who did sleep with other men for him. One of the women he had ‘used’ before when he cheated on his previous partner described a conversation to me that they had had via messenger where he asked if she would like him to ‘do her’ while his mate ‘did him’ from behind. I’m just still so shell shocked that I fell in love with such a disgusting monster. Who the hell was he? Clearly not the person he led me to believe he was :'(

By: Kimberly

Kimberly — Fri, 17 May 2019 08:22:54 +0000

my ex was the exact same way. He wanted me using the dildo on him. When I asked if he was gay he acted like I was ridiculous telling me all husbands want this. He would force me to have anal sex all the time as well.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 04 May 2019 08:21:49 +0000

In reply to April. Wow April....that is quite a story and hopefully by now you have rid yourself of this sadistic person. If not, consider booking some time with me and I can help you get to the place in your head where you can do it!

By: April

April — Tue, 12 Mar 2019 21:31:09 +0000

My narcissist ex used restraints and rope and paddles on me during sex. He bought a strap on for me to wear and had me use it on him. Even though he kept saying he isn’t gay the though of him taking a 6” dildo without even wincing had my thoughts going crazy. He had no limits with sex. He would even put on women’s stockings while he had me use the strap on. The thought of all this turns my stomach. I have been dumped by him more times than I can count. This last time he turned off his cellphone and deleted the app we used to contact each other. He has gone no contact. Even with all of this I still feel broken. Wondering if this truly is the end. Wondering if he is thinking about me or if I will ever hear from him again. I feel like I am loosing my mind and I have days I don’t even want to get out of bed. And meanwhile he goes off to work and does his regular life like nothing has happened at all. He had no problem telling me to go fuck my self during an argument or yelling and throwing things or punching my car dashboard. He has smashed at least 6 cellphones because he was angry at me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really need to talk to someone and help get my head back on straight.

By: Brittany

Brittany — Sat, 09 Mar 2019 18:20:06 +0000

Like I’ve been reading and reading and I still cant wrap my mind around the fact I let this man into my life. I’m so angry. I’m confused and he does use sex to control me. For now on I will tell him no. I need him out of my life.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 09 Nov 2018 23:45:01 +0000

In reply to Amy R.. Hi Amy, You were so young when you two got together, much can be attributed to all of what happened back then, However, you talk of your memories of a "sweet young boy" yet you tell me the story of him shutting the door, then taking you to your moms, and disappearing....nothing sweet about that. The fact that the cycle repeated itself over and over, he would reappear suck you back in...again, nothing nice about that. Your memories are fictitious and you have to focus on this. Then, years later he had to reappear to put a monkey wrench in your life. What a mess he caused even now as a grown-up narcissist! It can and will get worse if you see him again. There has to be no more. There are so many women that I speak with that have left their husbands and even their families to follow a narc's broken promises and it has never ended good. Ever. At the end of the day, the fact that a relationship with this narcissist is completely unsustainable and would destroy the life that you've built all these years with someone else has to be enough to keep you away. It just wouldn't work. We can love and miss things that are broken but we still have to do the right thing even if it's painful. The pain will pass if you just look at this through the proper perspective. I do offer phone consultations and would be happy to talk with you. Think about that. Begin your new year with a clear mind and move forward. Try to mend the damage in your marriage. No one wants to be alone in this world and if you already have someone who loves you the right way by your side, do your best to keep it together. Block the N at all costs and do not allow him to intrude on your life ever again. He was never a sweet young boy...he was just a monster-in-the-making...and he basically came back to ruin you. It's all he knows how to do... Stay strong, Zari

By: Amy R.

Amy R. — Fri, 09 Nov 2018 06:35:45 +0000

Hi Zari. At 16 I met my N, he was 18. We were both abused and broken already. We dated for 5 years, he was my world. The love of my life, like I needed him to even breathe. I was almost obsessive with him. Because he couldn’t control my bad behavior (I drank, but him doing drugs was perfectly acceptable) he broke up with me. Standing outside his apartment as I watched him close the door, I sliced my wrist wide open. He saw this happen, wrapped a towel around my wrist, put me in a car and drove me to my Mothers house and said “I think she needs to go to the hospital” He then left. I was admitted to a psychiatric unit. He came to see me once. After being released, I went to his place. No one knew where he was. For months he was either not home or wouldn’t answer the door. I became so depressed and riddled with guilt that I spiraled out of control. It took a couple of years before I was “over” him. Just when I thought I was doing good, he would pop up out of nowhere long enough to draw me back in, then disappear again. The depression cycle would start all over. This happened several times. I was in my mid 20’s the last time I saw him. Fast forward, I’m now 46 and have been with my second husband for 14 years. It’icegs not been a perfect marriage, we have grown apart emotionally and physically the last few years, and I felt lonely but he is the other love of my life. Last March, my N contacted me. We began talking on a regular basis and he said everything I wanted to hear. I began seeing my N every chance I could. My husband found out and when he confronted me, I told him every thing. I couldn’t choose one over the other because I loved them both. My husband agreed to let me continue to see my N under certain conditions. For a while I stuck to the agreement. But N wanted me with him 24/7. Even though I knew the general meaning of NPD, I never realized the emotional trauma I would feel after coming face to face with it. It took several months before it dawned on me that the sweet young boy I remembered was now a monster. I began researching NPD and I was shocked at how many of the traits he displayed. I finally broke it off with my N. I have returned to my husband. Because of this, I have all but destroyed my marriage and hurt us financially. My husband is of course hurt and angry. We are trying to put the pieces back together if that is still possible. I still love and miss my N, but I can’t tell anyone how empty I feel.
If you have any advice on how I can move forward, I would appreciate it from the bottom of my broken heart.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 26 Oct 2018 20:10:03 +0000

In reply to christene. Hi christene, I would be happy to speak with you. If you can, book some time and I'll help you get a strategy together to save your sanity. You are not crazy, girl. HE is the problem or you wouldn't be on this website and others looking for answers. Zari:)

By: christene

christene — Mon, 22 Oct 2018 18:51:08 +0000

desperate to talk to someone. feeling as if i am going crazy and know i am being made this way by him

By: Janet

Janet — Sat, 15 Sep 2018 19:48:21 +0000

This made my stomach hurt to read. It almost sounds like we were with the same man. I remember one thing that always puzzled me about him was how turned on he seemed to be immediately after a big argument. I could be standing there sobbing with tears streaming down my face and suddenly he would be kissing me very passionately and pressing his erection up against me to show me how horny he was.

By: "Love-Bombed"

"Love-Bombed" — Wed, 15 Aug 2018 13:13:41 +0000

After many years of being apart, I was contacted by an old boyfriend, whom I had dated for three years, decades ago. I was divorced and he was in the final stages of his (third) divorce. I was thrilled to hear from him, and we rekindled our romance. He called me several times a day, and professed his “love” for me. Saying such things like he had “wasted decades without me; we would now be together forever; how could he have lived without me.” He “would never let me go again”. We met and spent two weeks together and had a wonderful time. He was extremely affectionate and the sex and attention was intoxicating, addicting and the “Hook”. I was being “love-bombed”. He said that we were in an “exclusive committed relationship”, even though we live across country from one another. He said that we should both sell our homes and buy one together and be together forever.
He bought me a ticket and insisted that I spend several weeks at his home, which I did. I immediately realized that he had a “Harem” (his words} of neighbor women,(married and widowed} and ex-wives, etc. They called constantly and he took the calls privately. If they didn’t call him, he called them. He spent hours on the phone with his “Harem”, talking sexy to them, and even interrupting our intimate times to take their calls. When I complained to him, he said that if we ever broke up, it would be because I couldn’t get along with his “friends”. We had to socialize with his Harem a lot. One instance that was upsetting to me was when he and one of the married women (whose husband was gone) kissed on the lips several times, while embracing. When I complained to him later, he told me that I’d better get used to her, because I would be seeing a lot of her. On my next visit to his home, and after I had explained to him how bad the kissing incident made me feel, he promised NOT to kiss her again. When we went to a neighborhood gathering, that is exactly what he did and twice! He ran up to her, they embraced (with bare legs and arms wrapped around each other) and kissed several times, twice! When we got home, I told him to take me to a hotel and he refused, saying that he loved me and that I am his “future”.
Another one of his “Harem” called constantly and insisted on driving us to bars and restaurants, even though I objected. Once we got there, he totally ignored me and they talked affectionately to each other. When I told him that I didn’t want to be with her again, she called and invited herself along to breakfast with us, even though I was leaving that day. Once again I was ignored and they only had eyes and flirtations for each other, causing me much heartache. When I complained to him later, he totally denied it and said that I am crazy, saying that she and the other neighbor women had NO interest sexually in him, and vice versa. However, he sees this woman practically every day and/ or night. She took him to the airport when he was flying to visit me. When I picked him up at the airport, it looked as though he had had sex, by the “rash” on his face and chest . However, I did not mention it, because I could not prove it and he would say that i was “delusional”,(which is what he says when I ask him about other women). He kept covering his lower face with his hands, either trying to draw attention to the rash or trying to cover it. However, I said nothing. Then when we were in bed. he mentioned her. He said: “She only weighed 160 when she was sitting on my face”! (How was that cruel comment supposed to make me feel? Hot for his program? Jealous enough to make me love him more? I think not!) Then when I started to cry, of course I was “jealous and delusional” and “she would NEVER have sex with him and vice versa!” Oddly enough, this is the same woman whom he says is “stupid and boring”. Meanwhile, the great chemistry and great sex that we had shared in the past, was now gone! (Prior to this cruel and abusive comment, we had had sex, if you can call it that. It certainly wasn’t “making love”. There was no foreplay, no after glow or cuddling. Not even any kisses or hugs. It was about as romantic as shoving a quarter in a parking meter. Hey, a man can have sex without even touching or holding the woman with his hands. “Look Ma, No Hands Sex”!). Therefore, he was/is withholding the love-making and affection that hooked me in the first place. However, when we visited his friends, he kissed the women and hugged them. He showered other women with affection and compliments, while ignoring me (at best) , and making derogatory comments about me, disguised as “jokes”. When I complained about the mean “jokes” and especially the comment that “She weighed 160 when she was sitting on (his) face”; he said that he was only “joking” and that I am “jealous” and “delusional”. Meanwhile, since he has returned to his home, he is spending time with the woman who in his cruel joke “sat on his face”; but of course, I am “delusional” for even suspecting or asking if they have sex! Yes, I know that our relationship that started out to be a “great romance”, has now disintegrated into a crazy-making nightmare. Of course, I long for the “love-bombing” romance that we once had, but of course, knowing what I now know, I pray for love and peace.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 07:59:19 +0000

In reply to Tamara.

Hi Tamara,

First of all, 25 years is a long time so give yourself some credit for anything that you’re feeling. You don’t say that you are separated but since you are trying to heal, I imagine that you are. The kids…well, you can’t do much about that. They are adults and you can’t protect them forever. I’m assuming they’ve grown up with him so they KNOW him. He likely has ALREADY manipulated them and they have learned to mitigate it or simply put up with it. You have to let this go and just be the best mom you can be so that if they come to you, you will be there with all your wisdom and be able to help them through it. Kids – young and adult – are very resilient and you need not worry:) I wish you the best….xo

Zari:)

By: Tamara

Tamara — Mon, 06 Aug 2018 01:19:47 +0000

Dear Zari.

You have described my 25 year’s of marriage to a narc to perfection. First he traped me into thinking we’ll be together then used the withholding sex method.
But when I found him out, everything for me fell in to place I can see everything clearly.
Thing is we have children between us and it tears me apart when my adult children spend time with him because I know how much of a lier, manipulater, cheater, deceiver that he is, I don’t want them to get hurt again or be manipulated treated the way he did me.
Trying to heal.

By: Kellie

Kellie — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 16:51:02 +0000

H, i Everyone, I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I was in it for 42 years. For people who say why did you stay so long, they
have no idea what it is like, We are brainwashed. I had NO self worth after being told no one would want me. I would rather be on my own and lonely because I was soooo lonely living with the abuser. His physical violence became so bad I feared for my life after being pushed down the srairs and picked up by my ankles and thrown outside I knew I had to get out. It is not easy but YOU can do it with help nd support from the right people. NEVER GIVE UP

Kellie,

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 21:52:38 +0000

In reply to Broken.

Hi Broken,

I don’t know what you mean by you “have no where to go”. Do you have a place to live and a job? If you do, that’s all you need. You can start your life anywhere and the farther away you get from your situation with this jerk, the better. And by the way, he may have told you that his wife will never leave but the truth is that he has no intention of leaving her and never did. This is how the married narcissist rolls. Leave his ass and see how your health improves once the fog of sadness has lifted. I have seen this happen over and over again with the people who contact me or write here. You can do this…

Zari xo

By: Deb

Deb — Thu, 17 May 2018 05:04:44 +0000

And yet you stayed…how long?

By: Broken

Broken — Sun, 29 Apr 2018 02:25:15 +0000

How do you leave the situation if you have no where to go? I am the mistress. Together for over a decade and cycled through every part of what you or others have written about and kept holding on. I now have no friends, family is broken, financially no way to move or change my life or prospects. He on the other hand has a high paying job, several real estate, wife who will never leave and even more codependent than you could describe. He has friends and family and social to a tee. He glimmers and glows whilst I burn in the hell created and stuck in, suicidal repeatedly, cancer stricken too on more than one occasion and at a total loss.

Is there really an out ???? Is there really an hope at all ????

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 24 Apr 2018 01:17:18 +0000

In reply to Kirsten Jamison Squitieri. Thanks Kirsten! I appreciate you....xo

By: Deb

Deb — Mon, 16 Apr 2018 20:42:39 +0000

The above comment by “Deb Codding” was posted by Kim Barwick. She is welcome to post her thoughts using her own name. It is understandable that she is angry and bitter, but harassing the women surrounding the man she can’t have in any legitimate way by posting comments or making fake profiles or calling/texting people representing herself as another person is not “telling the truth” but playground bully behavior. If she is truly happy with the man as she claims, she would instead, invest that energy into enjoying living in the moment and not worry about what he does when he CHOOSES not to be with her.

By: Deb

Deb — Mon, 09 Apr 2018 18:01:19 +0000

We met on plenty o fish. He asked to be exclusive almost immediately. I soon realized he still had his profile up and was a pathological liar. Several women contacted me, angrily asking why I was texting their boyfriend! It turns out he was seeing six of us at the same time, lying to all of us that we were “a real couple”.

By: Kirsten Jamison Squitieri

Kirsten Jamison Squitieri — Mon, 09 Apr 2018 13:14:09 +0000

Thanks Zari! It’s such a relief to find you. I don’t have anyone who could possibly ever understand this like you do! Keep up the great work. xoxo

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 09 Apr 2018 09:23:31 +0000

In reply to K.

Hi K,

Look, whether we find that person who “does it” for us the way the narc did…well, that’s difficult to say. What I can tell you is as time passes, so does the experience. When you think of the sex, you suddenly start thinking about all the bad things that went with it. The memory doesn’t have the same thrill – a thrill that was deceptive anyway – and this is a good thing. Trust me, it happens and when it does, you’ll be looking around. Better love is definitely out there.

Zari xo

By: K

Sat, 07 Apr 2018 21:53:11 +0000

Hi Zari,

Thank you for this website! I too was in a relationship with a narcissist where the sex was incredible. It kept us going for 7 years despite the abuse. My question is this….will I compare the sex in all my future relationships to the sex with my ex? Are the memories going to hold me captive and nothing will ever be better? It is a fear i have.

By: Gee

Gee — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 17:15:22 +0000

My narcissist took another woman on a swinger vacation to “Nawty in Nawlins” (world’s biggest swinger convention) in New Orleans for 8 days, after telling me he was working in Florida. (We had never traveled together, he always claimed He was broke. He actually told me once he did not like long trips and if we went anywhere it needed to be under 5 days and West Coast, not East Coast)! This discovery came out when a friend saw it on the other woman’s Facebook and realized we must be dating the same man exclusively. I found out two days after I said “No more disloyalty or lies, got it? NO MORE or you’re history. “ That should have been the cue to step up and tell me about his secret girlfriend and their vacation. I knew she existed, but he had claimed they barely knew each other and she was too sick and obese to date. Yes, that was the end. Trash!