Comments on: Why a Narcissist Creates Chaos

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 08 May 2022 08:59:40 +0000

In reply to Julie Wilkinson. Hi Julie, Peace happens after the creator of the conflicts exits. So true! When people understand that the narc CAN NOT BE FIXED, only then can set themselves free. Until then, we choose to KINDA believe the lie because it's so much easier than truly believing that it is the con that it is. You were right to make a plan and to stick to it. Thank you so much for writing....

By: Julie Wilkinson

Julie Wilkinson — Thu, 13 Jan 2022 03:09:32 +0000

I did almost 14 years in a sham excuse for a marriage to a covert narc. I found that he had been running hardcore porno on his phone & a laptop during the entire time I lived with him. While I was scheduled for 2 major surgeries he refused to take any time off work to help me & our 2 daughters. I ended the relationship over that. 6 months later his buddy sent me a pic of the ex with a very ugly looking woman & some of the craziest comments I have ever suffered to see. He tried to act like a fat & bad looking drinker was better than a size 8 non drinking Catholic Mom of 2 kids, Furthermore he told me that I should go jump off a bridge. I responded liar if you ever contact me again I’m going straight to the police. He wouldn’t contact me again, but he continued encouraging my ex toward the ugly woman.

I am now in year 10 divorced from him. What sits in my mind for the past 10 years while divorced is the belief that there is no bigger liar than a person who will break their marriage vows. I feel very fortunate to have survived a sham from a guy who was a lying to me from start to finish. I will never sign another contract while I wait to start collecting a social security check in 10 years that will be based on his earnings. A Judge ordered him to drop off the deed to my home & ordered him to pay off the mortgage. He also ordered him to pay me alimony for the rest of life.

My interest in outing this sorry story of what was done to a Mom & 2 kids is to tell women who are in a situation with narcissist to start making detailed plan to get free him. I made a detailed plan & stuck to it & told no one what I was going to do about running off a sham. Nobody needs to think they are stuck & will have to continue tolerating the abuse. They need to think I’m going to find a way to live free of a horrible acting nut. Since the time the nut left our home it’s been peaceful. When he left he took his bags of bs with him. Peace happens after the creator of the conflicts exits.

If you are in suffering because a chronic liar & manipulator won’t stop creating drama then it’s time for you to make your plan to get free. Nobody else is going to do it for you. If you do not have money to pay in full to start divorce proceedings then find an Atty with enough compassion for you to give you a payment plan that will allow you to pay off the balance in a 6 month period. There is no fixing Narcissists. Fix yourself after you dump him exactly on his rear end for disrespecting you & causing you problems. You are not the problem.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 20:24:59 +0000

In reply to SonicBell. Hi SonicBell...you're too easily offended. If you've spent any time on my website, you would see that I have articles - and a book (When Evil Is a Pretty Face) - written specifically for the male victim of the female narcissist and that I have stated LOUD AND CLEAR countless times that I feel the female narcissist has the male narcissist beat hands down in the evil department. That being said, I write based on my own first hand experience with a male narcissist so that is how I mostly frame it although I do try to add he/she or him/her or a disclaimer where I can. I'll try to do better.

By: SonicBell

SonicBell — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 13:36:36 +0000

Your use of the word “he” is offensive, 53% are women.

By: OrangeSun

OrangeSun — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 19:29:44 +0000

Thank you so much for this entire site regarding N’s!! I have been off and on with one for 10 years. We get just close enough to be considered a couple and he pulls away. Mainly because he has a GF whom he is not happy with and is leaving – or so claims. I just barely found out about her FYI. He lives hours from me now – he had s job change. In reading this I had to relate how when I was in the ER after having an severe allergic reaction , I texted him. I was scared and needed him. He never responded to my text! In fact he hid and wouldn’t answer me at all until my best friend saw him and called him out on it. He finally agreed to meet me and claimed he loved me, and was so sorry that he hadn’t gotten the text and his life is extremely chaotic. His bullshir excuses over the years have been very ongoing. His latest was to disappear for 5 months – I think I got 4 texts and never a reply back if I did respond. He suddenly said he had to have surgery and would call me and tell me what happened. He never did. Two weeks went by and he suddenly flooded my phone with how he had surgery and he was miserable and how he needed to talk to me. I just don’t understand his mentality? He claimed again how he’s always loved me and never once did he apologize for anything. Right now I am just in a horrible place because I need to get rid of him but he’s like a drug and I don’t know how to separate myself .. i yearn to hear that text tone and something inside thinks he will be different when he finally shows up. Sigh.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 01:25:17 +0000

In reply to Janet MacIntyre.

Hi Janet,

Do NOT sleep with any man who makes you feel and act this way. It’s as simple as that. If he leaves, then good riddance to bad rubbish. Sure, in a perfect world this would be the answer but it’s not a perfect world and we are not perfect people. As for the sex, I’m pretty sure that 99% of us here were NOT treated like crap BEFORE we slept with this person the first time. LOL Narcissists make sure of this and usually don’t start the devalue until they’re confident we are hooked.
As normal humans, it is NOT ABNORMAL for us to want to believe that the person we are sleeping with, dating, married to, engaged to, hanging out with, is telling us the truth when they speak. The alternative to that is that we walk around this planet assuming that everyone who speaks to us or apologizes or cries or says “I love you” is lying first until proven otherwise. We’re human so we’re just not going to do it. I’ve also come to the conclusion that there are so many polished narcs and con artists on the planet that we’re simply never going to know them right off the bat. The trick is to learn from our mistakes an get out quicker the next time. Everyone stays for their own reasons so it does no good to feel angry at women in general for doing it. Love is love and many of feel invested and don’t want to quit and the next thing you know another year has gone by. It happens to men with female narcs as well – even worse! We know that we’ve got to get out at some point and we will but it often takes time. You have to have been involved with a narcissist to understand the dynamic of this type of relationship. It’s different than all the others.

Zari:)

By: Janet MacIntyre

Janet MacIntyre — Wed, 11 Oct 2017 00:42:33 +0000

Hello,

I hate to write this, since I’ve done the same thing with more than one SO, but I read these stories, and frankly it’s shocking that any woman would keep seeing a man after the first couple of times the man acts this way. Unless you’re married and in some way dependent (no job/money or a small child) there is no excuse for a woman to not dump one of these losers immediately. And I’m saying this as much to myself as to anyone else.

The fact that there are countless stories of the narc who KEEPS abusing/disappointing/betraying a woman over and over and over…well, being in “love” is no excuse to stick around and letting him come back over and over and over.

The fact that anyone sticks around during the “devaluation” stage long enough to get to the “discard” phase is troubling.

We’re “training” these d-bags as much as they’re “training” us, but all they’re learning is that they can mistreat strong, intelligent women to their hearts’ delight and take us for all we’re worth before tossing us aside like a used condom, and we’ll TAKE it. No wonder they mistreat us…they must assume we’re masochists to put up with their $#^%.

Sorry for the language. It just makes me angry that we do this to ourselves.

Do NOT sleep with any man who makes you feel and act this way. It’s as simple as that. If he leaves, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

Men are like buses. Another one always comes along.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 07 May 2017 18:34:22 +0000

In reply to Linda torres.

Hi Linda,

Listen, after reading your story, I would have to say that it doesn’t even matter if he’s a narc or not. Who cares? He is a complete asshole. Kick him to the curb. You are wasting your life with this jerk. He is a freeloader, a user, and a disrespectful one at that. What is even slightly attractive to you about this guy? I don’t see a single redeeming quality and I’m not sure why he is able to make you question ANYTHING about yourself given that you’ve done everything to make his life easier than it already is. I am so grateful that you didn’t marry him…OMG. That was the best thing that could have ever happened, sister.

No, you are NOT a narcissist but HE is and then some. He is disgusting and I wish for you that you wake up one day and have forgotten that you ever knew him. Peace and blessings to you:)

By: Linda torres

Linda torres — Tue, 02 May 2017 20:25:58 +0000

Hi, sorry I sent it too early. I have been with a man for many years. I am 30+ now and since he gave me the ring 1.5 years ago, I thought he was serious about moving to my house and comply with everything we had agreed on. 2 years stable, thought he had changed. It has been years of chaos and I realized things were not better these last 3 years as I wanted to believe, they were just wrapped in a nicer paper of a more ” mature man”. We applied for his visa to marry me 2 times! Took me 3 years of my life to work on that. Spent a lot of money, and when he finally arrived, he acts like a spoiled child. He complained from the first day and nothing I proposed was good enough. He blamed me indirectly of having given up his job for me to move and “obey to the queen”. He complained about not having money and no income and that my country doesnt give him anything from the day he came, even though he insisted on moving here 1 year before (when he was unemployed and came in a rush that time)This last time when we actually got the visa approved I applied for almost 50 jobs for him and he pushed and preassured every day about how unhappy he was, how bad things were, and how I owed him big time for giving up his future and studies for me.He did not go out and refused to set his clock to local time. He bearly applied for jobs and every single saturday after I had worked from 8 to 4 the whole week to pay all bills and food+ housing ( which was part of the plan until he got a job) he would say: What are we doing this weekend? Where are you taking me? Well, if you had a car we would be able to travel. If we stayed at home, it was bad. Just depressing and lots of complains, so I had to come up with something every weekend, and he turned down 9 of 10 suggestions. He made me feel insufficient and used. He stayed up playing play station all night every night and refused to adapt or to even try to learn the language, which he so happliy tried to learn the first time. When he got drunk he would confront me on all things, and tell me how cheap I am, how controlling I am, how my family is crazy, what a nazi I am and how I treat him badly, his family badly etc etc. Until I break into tears and he makes fun of me and laughs with hiostility. No surprise…this happened before the wedding too. First he leaves my country after 2.5 months of “looking for jobs” then goes back home to finish a business in his country..and our valuable visa of 6 months is on count down. He said he would stay 1 month and return to marry me, but stayed there for 3 months. I asked for a pre nup 3 weeks before the wedding was taking place here, because we had agreed to marry to be able to live in my country and since he has a child and debt, a friend strongly adviced me to do so. He went all nuts and flipped everything around. He pushed it to the limit with no communication sitting on the other side of the globe, until 2 days before the seremony! He said it was time for me to move over there, to move my ass (as if the visa process hadnt taken soo much effort, time,dedication to meet income requirements etc. I was even legally responsable for supplying him. It was like a joke but he ment it. He refused to sign any pre nup. But a loving husband with a child would suggest a solution himself??.why was I the only one who even asked the question what if….how could he feel entitled to get my house without any contribution and make me almost bankrupt in a divorce? I had already canceled and explained to friends and family that we had to wait. People got their gifts back. I take the blame of not having asked about a pre nup earlier, but his respond was totally out of proportions and he pushed me to the breaking point saying I could burn in hell etc. He says he was not going to come, and that I am an evil person and how could I ever believe he would actually move here! That it was neever part of his plan. He just wanted to get married and push me to go to his country he confessed under stress.Then suddenly a week later he comes as a surprise having travelled for 26 hours. He said we had to work things out. My boss gave me sick leave and my hormones made me physically ill etc etc. I was sick due to stress. He showed up all sweet. He did not touch the topic and when I tried he was not in the mood to talk. His visa was about to expire unless we married. He postponed to talk. I had family birthday and he refused to join as usual. On my way there, he sent me messages saying he was in tears and breaking down at my place. It ruined the entire day. When I rushed home, he was drunk on a Sunday afternoon. There was smoke in the apartment since he forgot the stove turned on. He was angry and mean. Said he had made a fight at a bar. He started verbally confronting me again. He said he did not want to marry me, that I am cheap, spoiled etc. 2 days before our last chance of marriage, he says: so..should we do it? And I said: we sort of blew it off. We have no appointment now and you clearly said you did not want to. Then he goes all angry with silent treatment.
1 day before the visa expired I asked about his ticket back home. He went all mad and said he wanted to stay longer and blaming me for obeying the law too much. That they dont check. That he wants to stay illegal for at least a month.. That I exagerate and that I push him to pay the most expensive tickets so close up to the date to go home.He leaves me on the street in rage because I want to obey the law. I spend my last savings on the ticket feeling guilty. Almost 9 years with him! I worked so hard to get him here. I was faithful and my family worked hard to make him feel welcome. I bought him books to learn the language, applied for jobs and organized the wedding myself. I bought the rings, the dress and it was all a big lie. I went to live with him 4 times …taking internships, exchange programs and spent all my vacations at his house ( hid father’s house). He dreams about being an entrepreneur and cant stand the thought of a 8-4 job. Its just not his thing. So he owes a lot of money to his friend, some to the bank, to the university.He never graduated, said he did not want to until recently when he used it against me. My parents got him a job when he was broke and we figured out how to get him the visa for work that time. We paid. Paid 3 visas for him..2000 usd aprox.Paid many trips. Lent him money and when I asked them back, he threw them at me one time. His parents were great with me and most of the time, he was loving too. But. 3 times I have needed him when sick. He left me helpless one time with huge pain. The other time he left me because he got bored of waiting while I saw the doctor, and the 3 time, when I came out in tears, he told me how much of a headache it gave him to wait. When drunk he would leave me at the bar while I went to the ladies room. He disappared drunk and I had no where to go and not a car to get home. Another time he locked me out one night at 4am. He pushed me for sex, unless he would not spend easter with me( when I was 24 and alone in his country)He would throw a tantrum at the super and just leave if I answered the phone to my mom. I walked home with the food he was going to eat. He was very jealous. He used to live for free with his ex and with his dad. The list goes on. 2 years not paying child supprt because he could not sink so low as to take a normal job.
He used to live by” never ask people, just do”. Or” you should never apologize, its like admitting mistakes”.
He would not please people by going to boring birthdays or weddings. He loved to be unpredictable. He cheated on all his girfriends and drove his ex so sick that she ate pills for depression and lost one job. I took 1.5 year more to finish my career because of all his lies, disapparings, chaos. At least he liked to keep the house clean.I have started to search for answers. Was he a Narc? Could I be a narc? I feel free, scared.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 08:49:52 +0000

In reply to Janie doe.

Hi Jane Doe,

Please don’t despair, sister. I do hope you buy the book because it will empower you. Also, consider booking some time with me so that we can talk about a sanity strategy. Right now, with each booking, I am giving away a set of my books in PDF or an audio book download. The more information and ammo you have under your belt the better.

It is clear that he tries to intimidate you whereby creating a culture of fear so that you don’t move forward. Narcs are so so good at this. However, there are ways to deal with this, girl. Don’t be so sure that YOU will look like the fool in court. Document everything…start making a diary of his behaviors with the child, his disappearances, dates, etc. What is there for him to lie about? HE is the abuser. You’ve got to realize your power in this and show no fear.

Unless someone has experienced this type of weirdness in a relationship, they will never understand. If you can, let’s talk, and I’ll tell you exactly how to handle this. It’s time that you took your power back!

Zari xo

By: Janie doe

Janie doe — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 08:09:30 +0000

I could cry reading this. I don’t even have the energy to explain how spot on every word you write details what I am dealing with. I avoid people because it’s to exhausting to even explain what I am dealing with. My situation is unique. He has me trapped. The chaos he creates when I try to get him out of my life is so overwhelming and traumatic to my kids parents and family in general that I give up. It’s easier to let the chaos stop and he continues to manipulate. I finally broke down and explained this to my mother after 10 years. It is to exhausting…I can’t even get into details they’re racing through my head. I cant keep in contact with any of my friends. They all know me as strong. One friend I tried to talk to said “I don’t understand your the last person I’d imagine in this situation.” I was a social worker. I spent years studying psychology.. I saw red flags immediately…huge red flags…I guess I’ve always made excuses for his disgusting obnoxious behavior because he is clearly ill and had a horrible childhood. I always thought he was trying ..he no longer tries. He toom over my home and doesbt work or try to work….now we have a 5 year old child together and he knows threatening to steal my child is my weakness..he says i should have thought of this before i had a kid with him
..like having a kid gives him a ticket to mooching off my family forever. I have filed for emergency custody numerous times (and granted temporarily) then he disappears so he can’t be served and the case is dropped…now I look ridiculous going to court. I’m fearful f court because he will make up whatever lie he can to try and get my kids taken away. When we fight he makes up lies to tell my family… he will stop and apologize then in his next breathe call me disgusting names… he has no care for who is around ..it’s traumatic for me to have my father hear a man call me names. I don’t know how this happened to my life or how to fix this. … I dont know where to turn. I consider having him arrested when he acts crazy but Im scared for my child to not have his father who he loves… im scared for him to have his father also. Im also afraid he will manipulate the cops … what a mess. There is actually so much more but ive already written a frantic novel for you lol.
I’m going to buy your book ..clearly you know what your talking about. Maybe I’ll get some ideas. I didn’t realize there were any other people in the world that could understand what I go through. This gives me a little hope so thank you.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 01 Mar 2017 07:01:56 +0000

In reply to Lisa.

Hi Lisa,

You ARE a BAD-ASS WARRIOR, sister! After surviving two cancers, the narcissist ain’t SHIT!!! Rock on and be happy…you so deserve it…..you’re a survivor to beat all survivors!!!

Zari xoxoxo

By: Lisa

Lisa — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 08:14:23 +0000

My narc managed down my expectations from the start. He always had to make sure the plans were “his way”. My gut was telling me it was a red flag, but my head was telling me I was overreacting. It always was his restaurant choice, his movie choice, his hiking spot, his sexual position.

He was NEVER there for me! Three weeks after my breast cancer diagnosis, I caught him with another woman. He had no remorse or empathy. All these games at his 53 years on this earth. He never even called my mom to ask him I did through surgery. I caught up with the other woman and found out the entire year I was with him, he had her. Actually, he had her as FWB for the last 18 years!! She was shocked that I existed, because in the past he would stop seeing her when he had a girlfriend. We confronted him together on the phone, but in all honesty I doubt she could ever break her addiction to him. And that is okay; she can have the toxic bastard. I will never forget what he did to me. It’s now been 17 months, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what he did. I got rid of two cancers; so I’m feeling like a bad-ass warrior.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 22:20:34 +0000

In reply to Karen.

Hi Karen,

Yup, you are right on every point. We can’t wrap our head around it so we keep hanging in there hoping it’s not what we think. And, yes, the narc just keeps us confused. Nothing he does is ever random – he does it ALL with intention. He KNOWS right from wrong…he just doesn’t give a shit!! haha! Basically, that’s all we need to know! Seems to easy in hindsight, doesn’t it? Thank God we have each other:)

Stay strong!

Zari xo

By: Karen

Karen — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 14:18:05 +0000

In reply to Melissa.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter.

Seek financial provision for her (3rd party; maintain NC). Don’t allow her to be a pawn, and don’t hold out an olive branch waiting for him to demonstrate paternal love – paternal love will not land on that olive branch and he is s****ing on it from a great height.

You are not responsible for his relationship with his daughter. He is.

You are responsible for her well-being. Show her what love really is by your words and actions. Be careful not to make her responsible for your feelings.

Demonstrate to yourself and to your daughter what love is:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

The truth is that you are out of that relationship. NC. Forgiveness is not the same thing as going back onto relationship. NC.

Love. NC.

By: Karen

Karen — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 14:07:32 +0000

In reply to Zari Ballard. When I read of the repeated behaviours, it makes me wonder why repeatedly put up with them. I think you're right about managing down expectations. I think it's also about shock and not believing it's really happening, and giving repeated opportunities for someone to redeem themselves. As if somehow this time it will all click into place and make sense. Meanwhile the N is working hard to make sure it never does make sense.

By: Karen

Karen — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 14:00:14 +0000

In reply to Lena.

Whether he is or not is almost irrelevant. Please use this as an opportunity to free yourself emotionally and physically.

You “know” he is going to be unkind, ungenerous, spiteful. You know this because he has done it repeatedly. Repeatedly.

This is not love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Please don’t twist all of that to mean that you now need to show him how to love. Or give him opportunities to make it up to you.

Get out and demonstrate that you understand what love is because you make the choice to live in loving relationships (where you are loved and are loving, in equal measure) as per the above definition of love.

The past 8 months were melodrama – not passion, not love. You have a lifetime of love in front of you.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 07 Dec 2016 00:59:19 +0000

In reply to Melissa.

Hi Melissa,

I apologize for the delay in responding, girl. It sounds as if you have quite the situation. If he has “moved on”, let it happen. You say you can’t go no contact because of your daughter but it appears that he doesn’t see or care for her anyway so it shouldn’t matter If you allow him to interfere with your life by texting and calling, he will do it until the end of time. Does he pay child support? Because if he doesn’t, he should. Take it to court and have the money come right out of his paycheck. No, they don’t care about their children. They pretend to so that the outside world doesn’t see the truth but it is all a lie. What is happening to you is a perfect example of that. Do not allow him to get out of it financially. There have to be consequences to what these creatures do but measures are rarely taken by the distraught partner. Don’t allow this to happen to you, sister!

Stay strong,

Zari xo

By: Melissa

Melissa — Sat, 26 Nov 2016 14:43:05 +0000

Hi Zari. You really opened my eyes. I’m married to an narcissist and I never knew it. He has again left right before my birthday Nov 7. Before Thanksgiving and Christmas of course. Does just about every year. He left told me and my 4 yr old daughter to get out of the house he’s giving it back to the landlord. I’m in a new town which I moved to for him. I know no one. I had to put an ad on Craigslist for a place to live. Charity of strangers I was so scared. He didn’t care. Told by him to go to a shelter. He says it’s over and I cannot believe I’m crushed even though of what he did to his own child is unforgivable. He says he’s done and rubs it in my face how happy he is. He’s encouraging me to date all the time which makes no sense. But then he will act jealous accusing me of having sex with men. It’s killing me how extremely happy he is and rubbing it in my face. It’s been a month this time we have been apart. How can someone move on so fast. He doesn’t see his daughter hasn’t in a month and rarely calls her. But will text me all the time now. Doesn’t ask about her. Just me. I’m so confused. I try to do NC but having my daughter it’s hard. He will flirt with me one minute then tell me how done he is. Is this normal? How do I handle it? I’m dying inside trying to survive. After he left I found out he wasn’t even paying for my car. I lost it. Do narcissist care at all even about there children? He’s always bragging about his new girlfriend, new clothes he bought and how good he looks, about his new car and just how happy he is. Is he really happy? I’m so confused. Any advice from anyone would help. Been dealing with this for 7 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 23:57:40 +0000

In reply to Lena.

Hi Lena,

Trust your intuition and always be confident in the truth that you know. You owe him no explanation for you going No Contact. get your head together and realize that this is your chance to fly. If you don’t do it before he returns, he will happily waste another eight months of your life and it will pass in the blink of an eye. There is no time to waste!

Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. You deserve to be happy….

Zari xo

By: Lena

Lena — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 14:01:28 +0000

When I read this it just makes me open my eyes. N and I are on silent treatment again. I had several very bad situations. One in which I lost my house and would have been homeless. He wouldn’t let me stay over at his place. Luckily my friends took me in.
Another one my dog died and I asked him if he could stay over because I was really heartbroken. He wouldn’t even answer my calls. And told me the next day that he loved that dog even more than I did and that I’m just trying to get his attention and he had to punish this behavior. That’s what he always says. He creates drama, gets my ex husband involved, my job and then tells me he punishes me because he rejects drama.
We have been on/off since 8 months. The last time I saw him he told me he can’t be with me anymore, so I ended that date and went home. Last week he called me and tried to have me come over again. He won’t leave me alone.
He’s in Germany (my native) right now and I know exactly once he comes back he is going to rub it in my face, so I blocked him everywhere. I hope I’ll stick to it this time, but I have been doing my research and I’m convinced he’s a N.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 09:17:21 +0000

In reply to Lisa.

Hi Lisa,

I’m so sorry you went through that…it hurts to the very core. I can’t count the times that my ex did that to me but this one time really did it. I felt in such danger and he could have cared less. This was when I realized that he did not and would never have my back no matter what. Even as a friend. It’s very hurtful and I’m sorry you had to feel that. These are the times in any relationship with a narc that you realize that you are truly on your own. Love isn’t supposed to be that way….it’s supposed to feel safe and, with these jerks, it truly doesn’t.

Stay strong, sister!

Zari xo

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 11:19:35 +0000

Zari – when I read this I got tears in my eyes, as I had an almost identical situation with my car breaking down and it was during one of the “silent treatment” times. I was calling and leaving messages as I was stuck near the Mall as my car was overheating and had had problems with it and needed coolant. My Narc would not pick up the phone and I was asking him just to go get some Coolant to help me so I could at least drive home or to the mechanics shop. He never responded. NEVER! I then waited for an hour until my car cooled down and was able to get to the next exit and then it happened again. He still would not answer his phone and even after leaving repeated messages that I needed help. Again, I waited on the side of the road for the car to cool down and called my sister who stayed on the phone with me until I was able to drive another mile to my father’s house. I then was able to call a good friend to come and help me. He too, when he was ready called me and never mentioned a word. I am in the 2 week period of a 6 year relationship and finally am enforcing the No Contact and determined to now discover me again and have a better life, a life that I deserve without misery, anxiety and craziness. Thank you for all your great articles as they are helping me so very much.
“

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 00:06:28 +0000

In reply to Cindy Ellen Glass. Hi Cindy, Thank you for writing and I want nothing more than for you to feel relief from this pain and confusion too. And while we're at it, let's get past this cancer thing too. Once you survive that, the narcissist will look like the peon pebble on a beach that he is. I, too, read "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck many, many years ago and, in fact, recently found a copy at a used book store for 50 cents and bought it to read again. So funny that you should mention that. I read Peck's book in the very beginning of my relationship, never thinking that my ex would ever be like that. How wrong I was. Look, I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a PDF copy of all three of my books. Please read them because I believe they will help you look at all this bullshit just a tad differently. None of this was you - it was ALL him and he can't be allowed to do this to you any more. You have far more important things to deal with. Look for the books, sister. I just sent them from my yahoo email to the email that you used to login to write your post. If you don't see it, check your SPAM folder. If that doesn't work, write me again here and I will send from gmail. I wish you nothing but the best and never hesitate to write me. I'm here to support you:) Zari xo

By: Cindy Ellen Glass

Cindy Ellen Glass — Fri, 10 Jun 2016 09:53:07 +0000

My former N never made him self available unless it served his ego well and soothed his guilt and shame. After my cancer diagnosis he thought making amends by finishing what he had started in my home and then driving me to my new home in Florida would make me grateful forever.

That was the end of November and we had kept contact since. My cancer has worsened and my hormonal system is a mess. Crying is an understatement, more like a tropical storm.

I never understood his resistance and fighting everything and everyone until now.
Monday night was the last contact and after I told him it was done for good I smiled but am still far from thoughts of him and wishful hopeful thinking. He was texting and calling me while out for the weekend with his new victim. I read “People of the Lie”, Scott Peck, back in the late ’80’s. He is one of those cruel people.
I am in therapy and we are just tapping into the tip of the iceberg.
I just wanted to belong and be loved. I hate him for what he has done to me. Trauma Bonding is like being chained to a dump truck wheel that keeps backing up over me.
I want nothing more than relief from this pain and confusion and I want it yesterday.