So true, my sister! xo

Hi Thabi,

Yes, the Holiday Houdini…I know him well. So not worth the trouble. I don’t know how you can be at the same gym (I’m hearing that a lot lately!) together and still stay sane but more power to you. Just stay clear and far, far away and have a dumbbell ready to hurl if you have to.

Stay strong & thank you for writing!

Zari xo

You are spot on.
The narcissist in my life was a complete cow during the Christmas season for 2 years.

It also happens that he was born on January 2. He refused to celebrate huis 35th birthday with me after I’d wanted to make He was unavailable on Christmas, this is 3 weeks after we had enjoyed a cruise holiday together as a “couple”.

I called it quits with him on January 8…I was fed up after the he pulled a Houdini…we no longer talk…thats a good thing.
Although we go to the same gym, we walk often past each other like strangers. He greeted me the other day…I responded in kind….he’s never greeted me again since….and I’m cool with that

Hi Esmer1974,

He’ll never be gone for good so you are going to have to figure out a way to NOT let him under your skin. The power is yours as to whether he destroys you or not. Just say no. Don’t answer texts. I can’t remember if you said you had primary physical custody. If you do, you can take your paper to the school and tell them he is not allowed to pick her up. I did that. You might even go talk to them anyway. Have someone else show up to pick her up if you can’t. Intercept him. Do not be afraid. He is obviously not worrying about anything…just doing what he wants to do. You need to do the same. It’s okay, girl. This is just a game to him. It will get farther and farther apart (the visits) and the pain will diminish if you allow it. He ain’t nothing but a stupid narc. See him for the bug that he is.

Thanks for the update…keep them coming:)

Zari xo

Hi Zara, well its been a month of bliss.. no contact nothing. not even a Christmas or birthday card from him, his daughter turned 9 and he ignored it. on the 18th he showed up at school as if nothing had happened pick her up from school, he has had a letter from my solicitor to state his daughter has no wish to see him at this moment in time. So several Txt messages later and a lot of abuse from him, I will be back to see my solicitor, I was hoping he was gone for good.. but he really is wanting to destroy us.

Esmer xx

Hi Kim,

Haha! Love the comment about the money! 21-years is such a long time to put up with the bullshit that these monsters bring into our lives. Hopefully, you know now that YOU were never the problem. he will never admit to that, obviously, but there comes a point that we simply have to be confident in the truth that we know. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or even what those who don’t “get it” think. We will never get our closure that way so don’t wait around for it. The game for them just never gets old and therefore justification never happens. Although they do know right from wrong, their brains are simply not wired to give a shit. So, do what you have to do but be sure to be confident in WHAT YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE because THAT will be the only truly worth anything at the end of the day. It’s hard to walk away without him conceding but it will never happen. The best revenge is for you to be happy and free which is something he will never ever be.

Happy New Year, sister!

Zari xo

Dear Anne,

Of course he is a narcissist but the truth is that, even if I told he wasn’t, that he was just an asshole, would that make all of this okay??? OMG no. Get rid of him and move on with your life. This guy is a player and a pathological liar and he doesn’t deserve the time of day. His behavior is almost sociopathic. You know that this isn’t good for you and for your life. He needs to be BLOCKED everywhere…the phone, FB, and all avenues of social media. He will never change because he likes this just the way that it is. All he does is get his girlfriend pregnant to shut her up and then he tells you a lie to do the same. I am sure there are many more in his web that you don’t even know about.

As sad as it is, this must all end. You deserve to be happy and he could care less if you are EVER happy as long as he can have his cake and eat it along with all the other cakes out there. Start the new year off right and kick him to the curb once and for all.

Stay strong and do the right thing…

Zari xo

Hi Lara,

That situation does NOT sound fun at all. It would be one thing if he admitted at least to her behaviors but it appears he is blindsided. How does he get along with his ex? I suppose I could understand being blind to the daughter because it’s his daughter AS LONG AS he sees the mom for what she is. But if he appears to be oblivious to both of their flaws…blind to the suffocating narcissism, I’d REALLY have a problem with that. For you, it must be very difficult to stay quiet…I know it certainly would be hard for me. How is your relationship with your husband other than that? Fill in the blanks for me and I can give you a little better advice. Do you have to see the daughter a lot? Do you call her out and he defends her, thinking YOU are in the wrong? Once you are through these holidays, there is a new year and you can plan a new strategy to save your sanity. You deserve to be happy:)

Zari xo

Hi Esmer1974,

Okay, now the picture is a little clearer. Look, the truth, and I may have already said this, is that narcissists will ALWAYS dig their own parental grave – this is a GIVEN. It sounds to me as if he is in the process of doing this. You may want to see your lawyer if for no other reason than to say the exact things that you wrote to me to see what he thinks. Wouldn’t it be great if he just stopped coming around and gave you both a break this holiday season. Make a commitment to yourself to NOT allow to intimidate you or your daughter in 2017. Stick to your guns and he will fade away out of boredom and disinterest. This is really all about riling YOU up, girl, so show NO EMOTION when dealing with him. Showing only DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE IS KEY to your sanity. keeping all interactions between you two to ten minutes and under (even if you have to use a stopwatch). Don’t talk about him at home and hopefully he will be out of sight, out of mind for your daughter. I know it’s hard, believe me but YOU CAN DO THIS. If you ever want to talk about it, I do provide consultations and perhaps we can get a strategy going. I’m more than willing to help in any way that I can:)

Zari xo

Hi Esmer1974,

Don’t be sad, girl. You’ve got to a grip on what he is doing right now and not let it get to you. As you know, this is really nothing new under the sun. He’s going to react the way he’s going to react – no matter what you say or do. Does it say in the visitation order that he gets her Xmas Eve? Does he pick her up and drop her off when he’s supposed to? In other words, does he stick to HIS schedule? Why doesn’t she want to go? Why is she scared of him? No matter what, he shouldn’t be allowed to text her and say that…that you’d broken the law. When you told him she didn’t want to go, was he okay with it and THEN texted her saying he wasn’t? Has your daughter told him that she doesn’t want to go? Sorry about all the questions…I’m just trying to get the story in my mind so I can think of a way to help you deal with it. Write back if you can…

Zari:)

Hi Lu,

Thank you so much for such a sweet message…it made my day, girl:) In these types of relationships, I do believe that recovery is a team effort….without a doubt. Unless someone has lived this nightmare, they can never understand the level of the betrayal…and this is why we must all stick together as we move through recovery. I am inspired every day to continue the mission by you and everyone who comes here to share stories and comment on articles. You are all very special to me:)

And I agree…this is a time of spiritual warfare on this planet and we must choose on the side of goodness and love. There is power in knowledge and in numbers and – together – there is nothing that can stop us from moving forward. Thank you again, sister, and have a wonder holiday season…

Zari xo

I doubt that you will remember me, but this time last year, I had found your site (which lead me to discover narcissism) and shared my story with you under one of your posts. I explained how I met two narcissistic girls online, and how the second friendship managed to destroy me even through social media. We exchanged a few comments, and in one of them you told me that you believed I was “a force to be reckoned with.” Last December, that was the complete opposite of what I was–I was beyond a mess. This December, a full year later, that’s exactly what I am–and more. It was a hard journey, but my life is happy and free as never before. I’ve come by to drop a comment here because it’s my birthday today and I simply wanted to let you know how grateful I am for not just your comments to me, but also for running this blog the way you do. You and your blog played a very big part in convincing and encouraging me (and many others) to take control of my life and to get rid of the narcissist that had been poisoning me last year. I don’t want to write too much, so let me just say a massive thank you. You’re a wonderful person and I hope you’re doing well. Keep doing what you’re doing, and thank you once again.

Luluka xo

Hi Jennifer,

Congrats to you for making the two years mark! Stay focused and strong and keep on right path. I’m am grateful to be able to help you in any way that I can, sister:)

Zari xo