In an 8 year relationship 4 which we were married. Of course I was trauma bonded & doubted my own intuition! This man abused me
In every way! I left once and he was persistent. We married & started becoming ill. I was raising his kids from 4yrs to 10yts until they were 12 & 18. The year prior to our divorce I moved out & stayed gone for 8 months. I noticed I was feeling better, no longer had memory issues, my lupus flare ups
Suddenly were gone when they had been
So frequent I had to retire after 30 years of
Nursing & go on disability. I found out
Later he lied about what he made and had more
Than
Half of his pay going onto a credit card all
While not paying our debts. I couldn’t figure out where our money was going. He was supposedly working 6 days a week yet we are out of money when he made
13k a Month with my 3k. He convinced me he had changed, he signed up for anger management & couples counseling if I moved home. I came back to rent being 4 months behind, caught it up to be treated the worst
I had ever experienced he incorporated his children and with the years. Of him being absent they were happy to have his attention I didn’t blame them they had to be his children forever!
Then: I started planning my final move & ended up having to obtain a protection order and have Him removed from the home just so I could pack
My things & be safe: I suddenly realized I was in danger & the judge even stated this is how I know your trauma is real! Bc u had no clue u were in danger until now! That still resonates today the realization of it. I had been gone 8’monhhs & Bc he wanted to do the discarding & wanted me to catch up his bills I was sought after! The day I went to the court house to file for divorce he was sitting there giggling and happy as if he was on the best date ever! Lied over abs over when I asked for the truth! Just stare with the black
Soulless eyes that he never cheated in his life he never lied! Truth was she existed before we married! She had been waiting on the sidelines tor him to leave me for years! It suddenly didn’t matter all that mattered was putting the pieces back together & not wasting any more of my life on someone unworthy of my love or loyalty. So she is his new soulmate! Which is my fun way of referring to the luck of him having multiple soul mates every year! The days she was in turmoil would of been my good days &’ vice versa. It’s been 3.5 years and as far as I know they are still together but I know she knows down deep I wasn’t the problem, everything he claimed i did I am sure. I didn’t pay his bills just like he told me his ex didn’t pay taxes on his business 2 years & he lost his business! Nothing to do with cocaine and alcoholism, gambling or prostitutes or his financial irresponsibility. Nope nothing at all to do with that! It was all his ex! I m sure He said I was the reason for all his problems or why he has to have your money or help! I will admit it was all true except the role reversal trick! I was crazy tho! I was suffering from stole Holmes syndrome, npd abuse trauma, CPTSD, Codependency, disassociation that developed when I became really ill from the constant consistent abuse! I was a career nurse! I obviously had nightingale syndrome! I was naive to evil existing in people! I excused the red flags that were flying high & him the director of the red flag convoy! I allowed him to treat me disrespectful in the beginning until it was the new Norm! Violating my boundaries sleepless nights! My life is now peaceful & I am 3.5 years post narc. Went on my very first date Friday, red flag presented & that was the last date also! I didn’t explain myself, just told him thank u but I don’t think We are compatible & I blocked him,
He was stattimg on excuses & I don’t have any time or room for chaos. I made it thru tho I m
No longer having panic attacks or turning around when I am expected some place! I thank god every day I was with him during the pandemic. I know I look younger now at 52 than I did at 48! A gf of mine said she saw them both &’ that she looked really unkept on maintenance & he now had MS, so I karma is a real thing & I am a thriving warrior! Thanks for the words! Anyone questioning whether to leave or if they will change, if u are even thinking about it there is a reason! Leave Bc they can not change without having accountability & that isn’t going to happen as long as their are sources of supply! U are worthy of the life u deserve! And the woman who said she is too old to have anyone or have a life! U can have the life u chose to have & don’t allow him stealing your years, steal your future! U are now in control of the story! U are writing the narrative! Xoxo

Along the way, I found out he was seeing another person on the side. I left him. He married her and now I’m his side piece…I found the courage to leave him two times, but am back with him and this has gone on for 35 years in total…and in the meantime, I have been married for 21 of those years myself.

The trauma bond is real, which I didn’t even know was a thing until recently. I couldn’t understand why I would go back to or stay with a person like this, or risk everything to be with him, until I learned about it. All the manipulation all the gaslighting, all the coersion, everything, I get it now. I get why he’s a hypochondriac, to get attention.

He hoovers when I am at my lowest iwith my spouse and swoops in and makes me feel better about my marriage, he’s even given me advice on how to improve it! WHAT? I have recently truly woken up to who he is.

I am now trying to find the strength to get out, but now he has blackmail material and has actually hinted at it, he’s hinted at calling my college-age son, he’s doing his best to make sure I stay put. He’s angry as hell that I left him two other times. He determined to make me pay and make me stay.

I know exactly who he is and he hates that I tell him, “I know you”. I do. I have stopped showing emotion when he tries to upset me. I laugh at him more than I ever have, in his face. I know him inside and out and I know he’s a snake and evil. I want to expose him so badly. The good thing is I do have the fact that he’s 14 years older than me, so maybe time will ultimately be on my side. But I’ve been involved with him since I was 18. I’m 52 now.

I grew up with a Narc Mother…so I went from one Narc to the other. I don’t even know what is real. I’ve lived an allusion my entire life. I feel like an imposter in my own life.

This is so very similar to my story. 4 1/2 year relationship. I was single for so long after my divorce. I am 51. I went back and regret it. Even got engaged. Only he has not tried to Hoover me although it has been less than 4 months and he has a new supply that he was grooming before the break up and I assume they are still together. I see him on the road almost EVERYDAY and it sucks. I’ve lived in my town for 30 years and he’s only been here 5 years. I vacillate between anger, sadness, acceptance. I’m done with the denial and bargaining. I pray he stays away. It’s been a lot better for me since I blocked him and he new supply on Facebook. So I wouldn’t look! Strength and peace in healing.

Thank you Blondy! I appreciate you stopping by and finding some strength in my words. Makes my day!

Hi Chris, on our side, of course there is love. It’s not abnormal for us to WANT TO BELIEVE that the person we love is telling us the truth even when they are spewing lies. Narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be who they are. You will be okay and yes, recovery has to be a team effort because no one else will ever understand the dynamic of what we go through. I have other articles here about that residual feeling we get even though we don’t want the narc back and they will explain what you are feeling. It’s all normal and part of the process of acceptance. Being free is always better….xo

Hi Wonda….how about you work on your marriage and forget the narcissist? Don’t spend your time trying to bust him now because he just doesn’t care. As for all the other ladies, that is their problem. You have your own life to lead. Don’t take his calls and do not respond to texts. He already messed up your marriage once and he will happily do it again because THIS IS WHAT HE DOES. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Better to walk away on this one and let him go about his merry business without you in the queue. Blessings, sister….xo

Hi Leatitia, you CAN heal! The fact that you are going through a divorce…good for you. Life is too short for all this narcissistic nonsense and a narc will waste your life away if you allow it. Do not be intimidated throughout the divorce process because it is only a tactic. Keep reading and learning how to deal. There are so many survivors and we all come out the other side better for the troubled journey……xoxo

Hi Michael, I wish for you the best. The web of lies runs deep and we WANT TO BELIEVE. It’s hard to wrap our head around the reality and this is why we get stuck. Knowledge is power and you are not alone. Married to the narc or not, our lives are all but interchangeable. Thank you for stopping by, brother….

My covert malignant narc was a married woman. Something that I thought I would not do either, but she was a relentless predator. She also had some psychopathic traits. The love bombing was intense and her lying was so smooth. Both went on for most of the 2+ year relationship, especially whenever she felt me pull away. We are NC now, I am trying to get on with my life, but I am careful not to provoke narcissistic rage.

She triangulated me with her husband and he befriended me (very awkward). Initially, I didn’t know she was married. Thankfully my job moved me away and I blocked her from all of my social media, but her husband and I are still FB friends. I don’t want to unfriend him because he may start asking questions and I don’t want to lie to him again. His wife will definitely lie (rage) about me — then I may get in real trouble; which is crazy because as far as I can tell, she is still hooking up with several guys quite often (weekly; she did it while she was with me too, I ignored the signs at the time).

Such a crazy mess. It seems like most of us find out the truth after the fact. At least that was my case. Yes, there were red flags (other than being married), but she was quite young and attractive and so I put on my rose colored glasses, the special ones made for men, and fell for the love bombs.

I’m happy that you have a supportive husband. That’s cool. I have my supportive therapist and friends (who were clueless and then appalled when I told them about covert narcissism).

I think healing is slow. I alternate between remembering and missing the romantic times (at least they were romantic to me) and wanting to see her meet her demise – being outed — maybe having her husband return home early from a business trip to a driveway full of cars and a “party” inside. Sadly, her skills are so good and he is so emeshed that she could probably convince him that nothing is wrong.

As for me, I will continue therapy and rebuild the self-respect that I gave up to be in that relationship. My heartache is decreasing daily, but as I told her in our last contact – 100 showers could not wash the stain of you off of my soul.

Sorry for this rambling response.

.

Hi Becky,

You are not alone and you are not crazy. You need to understand that HE is the problem and he will never change. Don’t judge your self-worth by the bad behaviors of another person. It just makes no sense. His job ion life and especially in your relationship is to distract you from what HE is doing so that you don’t pay attention. You just need some tough love. Book some time with me and I’ll give it to you straight. Life is so short and he will waste your life away if you allow it. How can YOU be so wrong when HE is the one juggling and ruining multiple lives? It’s all about changing your perspective:) You can do this!

Zari xo`