Thanks Amanda!

Yes, it is absolutely available on Amazon, Tatyana, and I am sure it will help you. Here is the link…

Zari:)

very best,
Tatyana

HERE IS A REPLY FROM LB (he sent to me by mistake) You can respond to him above at his post if you like:)

Domo-

I went through the exact thing as you..It’s been two days now since I broke it off. He was older married but “separated” and had found the love of his life in me. He asked me if we could move in together when things were good and so we did. Then he cheated on me with his ex and came back home, laying on my couch texting multiple other women. I didn’t want to believe it and never listened to my intuition even though I knew very clearly what was going on.
He had a weird hold on me that I just couldn’t come to terms with confronting him or believing it. Eventually my body language gave me away and me avoiding him raised some suspicion in his head. He made me feel so great the night before like everything was going to be okay and then BOOM he dropped me the next day. I hurt so much and NC for a month and then he started creeping in again. This time would be different he said, he was going to get his own place, get everything with the divorce squared away etc. Few weeks later after bringing a few clothes over and creating a life that we had before he moved back in. He lasted few He lasted few weeks and cheated again with the same ex. He cried and wailed and said he’s messed up etc. and that this was it, it was a big awakening call to see what he was about to lose etc. shamefully, I accepted it. Three months went by and things were fine. But it’s funny because even though they are supposed to be great liars, they aren’t really that great if you just listen like Zari mentions. I watched and listened, very very patiently and would watch him change like i’m a burden in his life, irritated, not interested etc. when there was someone else. This time I wanted to be the one who left him so I just played along, until I had a massive panic attack and flinched every time he came near me to comfort me. It was the first time something like this happened to me. He gave up comforting me and left me to take care of myself giving me no explanation for what was going on in his mind or the messages that popped up on his phone from another woman. Fast forward to last week, per the divorce papers he was supposed to go over to his previous house to get it ready to put it up for sale. One night he stayed over there “arguing” until 2:30am. I had cooked for him and was waiting at home to have dinner with him. I called him multiple times but nothing. When he walked in he apologized and said we were arguing. What is there to argue about? Isn’t it done? That’s when I made my decision. I wasn’t going to be the loser this time, I was going to win and the only way to win was to discard him and wipe his ass out of my life. I told him I was going to leave and asked him to move out but he needed me until the divorce was final and so he was very sweet and said we could work it out, we should let her (ex) win, we were a team and that I was about to quit on us etc. But NO not this time. I stayed for 2 days and on the 3rd day I saw her calling him late at night. I flipped and he asked him to leave if not I would call the cops. He left (obviously went to her) and didn’t come back. He said some extremely hurtful things to me especially after I’ve helped him out so much and then called me the next day to apologize. July 4th, he spent the night there and of course he slept with her. July 5th I came back home and knocked all his stuff out and threatened him got him to leave and even while he was at the door he was trying to sleep with him. I shut him down gently instead of going through his raging tantrums and then he looked at me and in a month when all this is done maybe we can……

I stopped him and said thanks for the keys- good luck with your life and walked away and never looked back.

Today- I feel like SHIT and empty but I am going to be strong. We feel this way because they consume every minute of our lives that when they are gone it’s almost as if our “supply” has been taken away as well. No other relationships make you feel like this because we are drawn toward trying to make a wrong right and dealing with normal intelligent people is almost too easy. That’s how him and his ex worked for 20+ years…they played with each other’s mind.

Zari’s book helped me so much to understand that it’s NOT me. I am NOT crazy and I am VERY capable of having a normal relationship with someone who loves ME and not with someone who can’t even love themselves. They are just envious of you and bring you down so they can feel superior about themselves. Thank your stars and erase everything! Good Luck!

Domo-
I went through the exact thing as you..It’s been two days now since I broke it off. He was older married but “separated” and had found the love of his life in me. He asked me if we could move in together when things were good and so we did. Then he cheated on me with his ex and came back home, laying on my couch texting multiple other women. I didn’t want to believe it and never listened to my intuition even though I knew very clearly what was going on.
He had a weird hold on me that I just couldn’t come to terms with confronting him or believing it. Eventually my body language gave me away and me avoiding him raised some suspicion in his head. He made me feel so great the night before like everything was going to be okay and then BOOM he dropped me the next day. I hurt so much and NC for a month and then he started creeping in again. This time would be different he said, he was going to get his own place, get everything with the divorce squared away etc. Few weeks later after bringing a few clothes over and creating a life that we had before he moved back in. He lasted few He lasted few weeks and cheated again with the same ex. He cried and wailed and said he’s messed up etc. and that this was it, it was a big awakening call to see what he was about to lose etc. shamefully, I accepted it. Three months went by and things were fine. But it’s funny because even though they are supposed to be great liars, they aren’t really that great if you just listen like Zari mentions. I watched and listened, very very patiently and would watch him change like i’m a burden in his life, irritated, not interested etc. when there was someone else. This time I wanted to be the one who left him so I just played along, until I had a massive panic attack and flinched every time he came near me to comfort me. It was the first time something like this happened to me. He gave up comforting me and left me to take care of myself giving me no explanation for what was going on in his mind or the messages that popped up on his phone from another woman. Fast forward to last week, per the divorce papers he was supposed to go over to his previous house to get it ready to put it up for sale. One night he stayed over there “arguing” until 2:30am. I had cooked for him and was waiting at home to have dinner with him. I called him multiple times but nothing. When he walked in he apologized and said we were arguing. What is there to argue about? Isn’t it done? That’s when I made my decision. I wasn’t going to be the loser this time, I was going to win and the only way to win was to discard him and wipe his ass out of my life. I told him I was going to leave and asked him to move out but he needed me until the divorce was final and so he was very sweet and said we could work it out, we should let her (ex) win, we were a team and that I was about to quit on us etc. But NO not this time. I stayed for 2 days and on the 3rd day I saw her calling him late at night. I flipped and he asked him to leave if not I would call the cops. He left (obviously went to her) and didn’t come back. He said some extremely hurtful things to me especially after I’ve helped him out so much and then called me the next day to apologize. July 4th, he spent the night there and of course he slept with her. July 5th I came back home and knocked all his stuff out and threatened him got him to leave and even while he was at the door he was trying to sleep with him. I shut him down gently instead of going through his raging tantrums and then he looked at me and in a month when all this is done maybe we can……

I stopped him and said thanks for the keys- good luck with your life and walked away and never looked back.

Today- I feel like SHIT and empty but I am going to be strong. We feel this way because they consume every minute of our lives that when they are gone it’s almost as if our “supply” has been taken away as well. No other relationships make you feel like this because we are drawn toward trying to make a wrong right and dealing with normal intelligent people is almost too easy. That’s how him and his ex worked for 20+ years…they played with each other’s mind.

Zari’s book helped me so much to understand that it’s NOT me. I am NOT crazy and I am VERY capable of having a normal relationship with someone who loves ME and not with someone who can’t even love themselves. They are just envious of you and bring you down so they can feel superior about themselves. Thank your stars and erase everything! Good Luck!

Nope, got kicked back from my Gmail as well. I’m out of options.

Girl, I sent the book again (from my Yahoo address) to the email that you used to post here but it is getting kicked back to me and undeliverable. I will try to send from my Gmail and see if that makes it through.

Just sent it from my Yahoo email. Enjoy!…xo

Thank you, Zari! I sent you an email and would LOVE your book! But I don’t see it and I looked in my spam. Is there a search term I could use to look for it in there?
Divorcing these psychos is hell!!

Hi Wendi,

You CAN get through the process and keep your sanity at the same time. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, you should. If you want to send me a message using the Contact Me page, I’ll send it to you for free. It’s a quick and easy read and it will show you how I did it. It’s all about changing your perspective. They don’t have to have the control. How is it happening that you are not receiving any money for the kids? There’s got to be a way….

Zari xo

If I were to advise the person receiving unwanted gift cards, As a victim of a narcissist myself, I would call him stingy, and say I want more. They can’t stand looking like a cheap person! Then , spend , spend. You probably would get rid of him faster! They are real sick people who could get help, but won’t.

Hi Domo,

So sorry you are going through this but it sounds as if your intuition – your gut feeling – finally started making some decisions. I don’t know why we doubt our intuition because it IS NEVER WRONG. We boot them to the curb because of a gut feeling then take them back after doubting ourselves only to have it happen again. Then we rinse and repeat. Yikes!!!

I’m grateful that you find this site helpful and keep in mind I am available to speak with if you feel it would help. I talk with guys every day who been through the same exact thing as you so you are truly not alone. It’s a process to move forward but I am here to tell you that it WILL happen. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help with that. Recovery is a team effort!

Stay strong!

Zari xo

My wake up call was getting phoned by a woman he was also dating, who got into his phone, discovering six other “exclusive” girlfriends.

Shortly after, yet another woman surfaced. I knew there were others but he always denied it, saying I was paranoid (due to the past cheating, which he denied but was verified by the other woman). had a new Facebook friend, who was friends with a woman I never met. My guy had said he had 1 date with her but they didn’t click. Logging on, I was stunned to see that woman, posting about MY boyfriend by name, with roses he gave her, gifts, etc. He was dating her for 9 months while with me, and not casually–they took a trip together! When I confronted him about the deception, he said I was crazy and why was I jealous, it was just sex! Yet he never gave me a single gift or remembered special days with me, which led to several fights. Yet he never corrected those issues, and now it’s obvious why. I was good enough to use but not to treat like a real girlfriend! I treated him well, and lovingly. That did hurt, and he is history. Now he is bad mouthing me to friends as his crazy jealous ex, but they are on my side. Some knew of the connection and we’re concerned.

Don’t waste yourself on these monsters. They are nothing but drama with NO benefit.

Hi Jonni,

To answer your questions:

is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? Nope, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.

if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Nope…again, it wouldn’t have made a single bit of difference. Nothing – but nothing – makes them happy except YOUR SUFFERING.

Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes? Wouldn’t have mattered. She would have found something else to complain about.

Lock the doors, block her phone number, and get on with your life. She may return but that will only be to ensure that you never move on from the pain she has caused you. It will just be a check to see if you’re still in the queue and then she will do it all over again. I guarantee it. Now that you’re free, stay that way and live your life. You deserve to be happy!

Zari xo

My ex was diagnosed with NPD a while ago, but she refused treatment and denies that she has any issue.

I started dating her exactly a year ago, back then i used to live in another state but we decided we should live together in her city. At first everything was extraordinary: she was respectful, gorgeous, treated me kindly everyday, understood my issues and tried to help me solve them. Until one day she started complaining that i stopped giving her the attention and admiration she needed, and all of a sudden, the housework soon became of my responsibility. She would blame me for the house not being clean enough, for not having enough time or money (i was currently working from home and not making a good amount of money). She would often triangulate (back then i didnt know that’s what she was really doing), telling me things her parents told her about me, that I should change this and that about myself, or have more money. She would often call me lazy, filthy, unattentive to her needs and feelings. I used to wake her everyday with her depression pills and a glass of water, the same before we went to sleep. I was always prompt to do anything she asked, and when I couldnt, she would say things like “if you were to do it later, i’d do it myself”. I always helped her with her studies, and i was always there when she had any kind of issue.

Thing is, sometimes I got really angry at her, sometimes even to the point of calling her names. I’d often blame myself for that behavior and everytime it happened i always promised I wouldn’t do that again. Until she needled me again and over and over. Soon i became her puppet, she would tell me how to look like, what to wear, what I should or shouldn’t do in public or around her family. She would forbid me to smoke (which actually is a good thing, except that her only reason for this was that she didnt wanna be seen dating someone who smokes). With all the stress, insecurity and low self-esteem, i couldnt quit smoking so I would often smoke while she was not around, and lie to her about it, because i couldnt tell her the truth, or else she would threaten to end the relationship, or give me the silent treatment. Soon i started to have many issues at work and consequently with money, too. She would ask me to buy her a horse, a new car, or pay for some vacation trip she wanted. I always tried to tell her we should first save some money before spending everything right away. She would never undestand, and say that it discouraged her to be in this relationship, but when we started dating i made it very clear i wasnt able to spend much, because one my kittens was sick and i needed to save for the treatment. That kitten died, and i spent a whole week in bed, without speaking to her because i was really depressed. Meanwhile, she invited one of her friends to our house and was hanging around with him instead of being supportive. Then, i found out she was talking bad about me to one of her girlfriends, that’s when I snapped at her and we had a huge fight.

Sometimes, she would start an argument, and in the middle of it, she would often grab her phone and start ignoring everything i was saying, i always tried to ask her camly to put her phone down and listen to me, and after a dozen times, i sometimes would take her phone out of her hands, which eventually lead to her hit me, or threaten she would smash my notebook, and even one time she tried to choke me, all because i didnt wanna give her phone back until she listened to what i had to say.

Aside from that, I didnt have any mood for any kind of conversation, with her and everyone. Didnt have any will to go out and have fun, or to talk about shallow daily things.

She likes to help abandoned dogs, and soon i found myself taking care of the house, working, taking care of the 6 pets we had and also trying to be the perfect boyfriend. We lived in a not so hude apartment, and of course 6 pets was a little too much.

At our first anniversary, i had literally no money and couldnt meet her (she was in another city for a month). I didnt send her any message nor did i call her, because i was expecting she would come to our house and spend the day together, she refused to come, saying she didnt wanna spend the day inside our house doing nothing. I had to ask one of my clients to pay in advance so I could meet her, and in our way back home, she started arguing about something silly that i said, telling me “i cant stand to listen to you anymore”. When we got home, after 8 hours, and of course, with all the 6 pets SHE wanted, our house was smelly. She then started screaming at me saying i was filthy, lazy, that i couldn’t keep the house clean enough, and that she wanted to break up before she cheated on me. I had to lock the doors because she wanted to leave and it was 3am and i was afraid she would get involved in an accident (she was stressed and sleepy), or that she would kill herself. 1 day after we broke up, i found out she had already planned a trip later that week.

So, what i wanted to ask:
is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes?

Thanks!

Hi Peppermint. I so can empathasize with your post and trying to rid ourselves of the ghostly enduring pain that lingers when you are in the midst of N/C this I have found one of the most difficult things to navigate. It punctuates are whole daily existence. As I to am at rudimentary stages of my another attempt of intiaiting N/C (all other tries have been more silent treatments to illicit responses), what I have found that works today is the “postpone and pretend” a technique Zari recommends which puts the all consuming hurt and wanting to reach out on hold just for a moment. Then subsequently pretend to be ok and do something else, work, organise the kids, watch a programme that way I think we get a little stronger and delay any addictive response. I absolutely am with you on the hooks from emails that leave you yearning to respond with every sinew of your body and mind. Read Zari’s books there lies a road back to a free and non obsessive life. Zari – Really looking forward to our first real time conversation your reprogramming of my rose tinted, addicted mind-set is much needed to help me through the agony of a truly committed N/C

Thank you for the kind words, Peppermint! Years ago, I made my discovery about what/who I was dealing with by googling about the silent treatment as well. This was my narc’s favorite tactic and it nearly killed me. If you get a chance, please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it is my story and you will see yourself all over it, I guarantee it:) YOU CAN DO THIS…xoxox Zari