Zari:)

Hi Agatha,

I’m grateful that you got away but girl, PLEASE consider booking consultation time with me next time because I can help where these loser therapists can not. I marked your post as important because I agree, there are many many therapists who don’t get this at all and it’s horrible. They either get it or they don’t…there seems to be no in between! When it comes to this weirdness, only someone who has been there, done that can guide a person out of the rabbit hole.

EVERYONE: If you’re determined to speak to a “therapist” to recover, PLEASE perform due diligence and find the right one. If you just want to get better quickly, book some consultation time with me. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, and I’ll set you straight. Guaranteed.

Zari xo

Zari, your blog is amazing and it is being very helpful for me. Thank you!

I was involved with a narcissist, in a long-distance-relationship, for 3 years. During the “relationship” I broke up and moved back with him for thousands of times, however, last January I broke up with him for good. From time to time, we develop some work together. Last April, I met him again and finally realized he is a narcissist. All of his behaviors, compartmentalized life, triangulation, cell phone game, lies, manipulations, abuses, grandiosity and lack of empathy made sense for me at that time. He never assumed me as his girlfriend and one time when we were discussing that, he said: don’t you think you are too old to demand that from me? I will never be able to forget his cold eyes when I was crying and he refused to support me and just said “I am being honest with you”.

I think most of the times, therapist can’t help after the narcissist abuse, but in my case was even worse, because the therapist practically threw me on the arms of the narcissist. After a very painful break up with a non-narcissist boyfriend, I decided to make psychotherapy. In the meantime, I met the narcissist with who I was involved. Different from my ex, he was charming, successful and highly educated. My therapist said with these very words “finally you met a man for you”. He told me that he was not divorced, but was separated from his wife for 10 years. I didn’t see any red flag at that moment. He used to visit his family every 2 to 3 months, because they live in different states, and at the beginning I naively imagined he used to be hosted in a hotel. However, in the first Christmas during “our relationship” I discovered he used to stay in the house with his wife and kids. He said he didn’t sleep with his wife, but anyways, for me, this was a huge red flag. When I learnt that, I had already bought a plane ticket to visit him and I considered giving up of the trip and of the “relationship”. However, my therapist convinced me to go and she used arguments like that – if he is separated, he is not going to have an affair with his own wife; he is a successful man, then I can conclude that he is an honest person; everyone changes and soon he will be assuming you as his girlfriend; if he doesn’t do that, you will break up with him.

The therapist was not aware that narcissists are charming, have a very compartmentalized life and that they search for success to supply their egos. And worse, she was not aware that, after be hooked by a narcissist, there is a possibility to be addicted to them. And she knew that I had some co-dependent traits, because we discussed that.

I don’t know if my therapist hadn’t say that, if I would be brave enough to break up with him before that visit and if I would keep my decision for good. However, what I know is that this “relationship” was the most painful experience I had in my life and that I am now much more aware of whom I am than four years ago. And what I can say for sure is that some therapists are not prepared to recognize a narcissist and help their patients to avoid them.

I kept wavering with “no…yes….no….yes…” and ended with a “hell no!” She doesn’t understand just what we have dealt with from the narcs, but will never admit that. She just gets all chirpy and peppy and says I’ll be fine…which I will, but I resent the tone/attitude about it.

Does everyone find themselves re-evaluating all their other friendships after going NC with a narc?

Hi Dr. Roberts,

No rules broken and thank you for sharing…..

Zari xo

Hi Christine,

Yes, it is my experience in speaking and corresponding with soooo many people who have tried professional therapy to get through this that they either get it or they don’t. There is no in between. I believe my books will help because they will absolutely validate you. I am not surprised at all that bad therapy can send you right back to the beast that was hurting you…after all, he created it…we assume he can fix it. But he can’t. This is the saddest part of all.

Keep in mind that I do provide phone consults that are very different than any therapy you’ll ever find. I help you to change your perspective…to see it for what it is…to see the ABSURDITY of the narcissist’s behaviors and how it is NOT your fault. The last thing you’ll want to do when you hang up the phone with me is call the N – LOL. And that’s the whole point! We’ve got to help each other until the medically profession updates itself. I do think it’s getting better and that there are great counselors out there who do (and have taken the time to) understand this dynamic….but they are still far and few between.

Good luck to you, sister! I’m here if you need me…

Zari xo

Hi Rosemary,

Yup, that’s it…sorry that you had that experience. It really is difficult to find someone among our immediate circle that has experienced it to give us support. Then, when we put our faith in a therapist, it can take a very bad turn if the one we pick doesn’t get it. We feel bad enough going in, right? Just so sad.

Zari xo