It breaks me that he’s my first love and that I was just a victim and to think he never really loved me. I’m finding it hard to let go because I love him but after reading everything and searching for many different answers it seems like there’s literally no cure or treatment and I will just be expecting for the impossible. Honestly as a victim I have started to see everyone as narcissist as bad as it sounds it has turned me away from people I have trust issues with everyone. And it continuously puts me in fear of losing him when he’s not even mine. I suffer from anxiety because of him and so much more. I have been through everything with him in such a short period of time and it hurts to think my love means nothing to him and at the end he will only remember me as a stain in his memory even though I wasn’t the bad person. I know I need to cut ties with him completely in order for me to move forward no matter how hard it is. I just don’t understand how the victim should actually heal?

I want to keep him in my life regardless because I learned he’s never going to change. It’s just the attachment that I want to still see him here and there but I know he doesn’t value me in his life enough to actually keep me around if it doesn’t benefit him.

Hi Kristen,

It seems to me that you are the only one asking a dumb question here. I assume you are referring to the post title since it’s the only question asked in the entire post. As a NAR Coach who speaks with people every day about their relationship with a narcissistic abuser, the question “Does the narcissist miss me?” is the most frequent question I get asked and therefore I wrote an article to answer it. Obviously I am not the one asking the question because if you spent any time at all on my website, you’d know that I clearly know the answer to that. The question itself, by the way, has nothing at all to do with victim-blaming…it is simply a question. If you knew the answer, all you had to do was move along to the next website for some more pertinent information to whatever it is you were searching for.

Thanks for sharing…

Zari

Zari why are you asking dumb victim- blaming questions that are not helpful or supportive when you know the answers yourself from your own posts? She has a trauma bond that he built with her on purpose and a codependency of hope. Wow.

Hi Jean,

I’ll of course tell you that a narcissist never changes but first let me ask how you could be planning an “anniversary” if you knew he had another girlfriend or that he was a serial cheater? If he had, instead, showed back up after supposedly “telling his girlfriend” would the anniversary celebration still been on? My point is that forget the anniversary…what on earth was there to celebrate? This guy is not going to change. Do you honestly believe that he is NOW suddenly going to be monogamous?? Of course he isn’t! The good news is that it’s not your problem anymore. He actually gave you the PERFECT anniversary present by NOT picking you, girl. Did you really want to spend your life chasing a serial cheater and pathological liar? There’s nothing to rationalize. Everything worked out perfectly. Now you are free to live a normal, narcissist-free life.

Zari xo

Hi Jillian,

Is it possible for you to book a consult with me? Your story is horrible and there is so much I want to say. The girlfriend and her friends terrorizing you is so bizarre, I can not stand it. That is worse to me than than what HE did and is doing – although he certainly should be shot for that. What about your house??? Is your name on it? Don’t you have a family member or a friend who would be willing to make the trip back with you so that you can get your things? These people can not be allowed to get away with this. Forget about the fact that he never loved you – you can deal with that fact later! Right now you need to be MAD not SAD,…do you understand this?

If your name is on that house, you have LEGAL rights here. You could, for all intents and purposes, drive back, walk right in, and call the police to kick these people out. Is there a lawyer you can talk to? I truly believe that this guy is beyond narcissism…he is a sociopath…and this girl and all of her friends have become his flying monkeys. I would fly back, rent a U-Haul, and go to that house and take your stuff out of it – ALL OF IT. You have to change your perspective of this, girl. Who cares if he didn’t care! We’ve all been through that and, believe me, you WILL get over that. Right now, in my mind, it’s all about the house, your pets, and your belongings! You don’t have to accept any of this. To a narcissist, every day is all about what they can get away with and – man oh man – he is sure getting away with it. What a complete asshole!

Please consider booking a consultation so that I can give you a confidence boost to start getting things done. Enough is enough already. You must push past the sadness and get to the anger and fast. He’s counting on you NOT doing that and you need to catch him off guard. I am so sorry that you are going through this but there are things that you can do – there has to be!

Let me know how you are doing . I would be happy to speak with you so please keep that in mind…

Zari xo

I’m so glad I found your site and bought your book. I spent the last four years of my life degrading myself to someone who really didn’t deserve me or care about me as much as I thought. I met my N in 2012 and we instantly fell madly in obsessive love (one that I was sure was mutual). Within six months he pulled away bit by bit but always sling shooting back afterwards. A few months later, after he had already started to convince me I was mentally unwell, I moved across the country to live with him. Long story short, the next four years were him doing things that I knew weren’t right (staying out all night, texting female “friends”, picking fights and leaving on vacations without me). It started with him picking fights leading up to all of these things then saying that if I had acted differently he wouldn’t have gone places without me, or his silent treatment was in response to my attitudes. It always led to me feeling bad and apologizing and internalizing that I was in the wrong. One time, he actually spent a week in Vegas with a female friend claiming he needed it because I was causing him too much stress. I felt awful that I could do this to someone I loved and genuinely believed I was too much of a nag.

This past summer we moved and bought a house together, and to no surprise I did all of the work moving and spent all of my money furnishing a home that he was spending less and less time in. Over time he convinced me that my emotional outbursts (often in response to his actions IE STAYING OUT TILL 7 AM ON A WEEK NIGHT) were the reason he chose to spend so much time outside the house and that he would never leave me for another female but I was driving him away. He convinced me to see a psychiatrist who reluctantly but me on medication however verbalized concern for the environment that I was living in. He involved my parents and his to try to intervene saying that I was “unstable” and he was “scared” to be around me. Meanwhile, I was the most loving and supportive partner through his peter pan party ways and each time he lost a job (four in four years). He was a good provider while employed and made me feel like because of this, I had no right to question what he did. His favorite line is “I’m going to do what I want.” I am convinced in years to come it will be on his tomb stone.

After truly convincing me that I had a mental illness causing paranoia, anger and anxiety issues, he told me the only way it was going to work for us was if I drove back across the country to visit my family “and find myself” again. I was devastated! How could he be asking me to leave my home?! But I loved him so much that I convinced myself he was correct and I packed up very few of my belongings and drove 22 hours home. He was a bit standoffish but none the less still present. On the day I was set to drive back to our house, I found out through social media that he had moved a 21 year old female into our house and had begun a relationship with her!!!!! He’s 33!!!!!!!! After four years of promising me we would be getting married soon, having me be a part of his family and me adjusting to life in a new state, he left me without a second look back. Once I confronted him about it he told me I should have known and it wasn’t up to him to justify this to me. All over text!!!

I was devastated and am still trying to pick the pieces up. I have not gone home to get my belongings because I know I’m not mentally strong enough. He has refused to give them to my friends as well. Meanwhile, his 21 year old girlfriend and her friends have been harassing me on social media, sending me pictures of them wearing my clothing, holding my pets etc. I have also heard rumors of him turning to cocaine with his new found younger crew. I have not heard from him other than him ripping me apart via text and telling me my belongings are on their way….its been two months and I haven’t received even one box. I am at a point where I don’t make any contact, nor do I look at their things on social media. When I was, he was posting things like pictures of her at my favorite restaurants, sporting games we used to go to etc. Its awful.

I am dealing with the fact that after four years, he never cared. He never loved me. He changed me like a pair of shoes and isn’t doing the whole hoover back this (yet). He has let this young woman terrorize me and she has now let me know they are having my pets sent to a shelter because they want their own. I know Narcissists exist, but this is truly truly shocking.

I don’t know if I will ever be the same.

Hi Esther,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through, girl! However, I am THRILLED that you will be leaving the state. As a parent, he will likely drop off eventually anyway…and this includes with the new woman. It’s all the same to a narc!

Listen, though, I have to say this: narcissism is NOT a mental illness. People with mental illnesses would give anything to be better and there are medications that can help to manage the symptoms. Neither apply to the atrocious evil narc who feels perfectly entitled to do what he does whenever he wants at anyone’s expense. So while narcissism is definitely a DISORDER, it is no where near a mental illness and to think that, even if it gives you peace, is to give him a free pass. A narcissist absolutely KNOWS right from wrong, he just doesn’t give a shit. And that’s a fact.

Stay strong for your children but know they will be perfectly fine without him in their lives. Make sure you get the financial support that he now OWES you and move as far away as possible. If he wants to see his children, make him work for it. Read my articles here on co-parenting because I went through it too and my son turned out awesome. Just be the great mom that you are and keep doing what you are doing.

I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you something so please look for it. I will send it to the email (tuscany….) that you used to submit your post. I think you can use a boost right now, my sister:)

Zari xo

Thanks, Shelby! I’m grateful to be able to help and I appreciate you!

Zari xo

Hi Tina,

Your welcome and congrats to you for making it out alive! Please feel free to respond to comments and share your wisdom here with those here who need it. To me, recovery is a team effort and we have to stick together. The more survivors, the better!

Zari xo

Dear Roli,

What a horrendous story but the good news is that YOU MOVED OUT OF STATE. Wow! That’s amazing. After everything you went through, I can’t even imagine what the straw was that finally broke the camel! But you did which shows how strong you really are!

There’s no use in retaliating. There’s no use in trying to defend yourself even against the claims of him or his family. All it does is give them more fuel for their fire. Without you feeding into the smearing, it will all slowly die out…it has to because it will have no where else to go. What I don’t understand is why you are even keeping up with anything that is happening over there. You should not EVEN be speaking with him or to anyone that has anything to do with him. You moved out of state and there was a reason for that. There isn’t a single reason why you should care what he is saying to anyone over there. Let him talk all he wants. Let his family talk all he wants. You obviously know that he is not someone you can ever go back to. He tried to kill you. He caused you to lose a baby. He is dangerous and nasty and he needs to be in jail but we all know that will never happen. I’m sure he is far too clever for that.

His “attachment” is nefarious and you know this. The only reason he is “coming back” is because YOU LEFT and he is going to punish you for that until the end of time if you allow it. You say you were divorced and if this is true then you don’t have a single reason to talk to him ever again. If you must, get a restraining order to keep him from harassing you. Change your phone number. Vanish off the face of the earth relevant to him. You did the best thing possible by moving away to another state and you have to know and believe that.

Stop worrying about what he is saying and doing. Who cares!! If you cut off the communication with him and with anyone associated with him you won’t have to hear anything any more. In this case, what you don’t know really won’t hurt you!! You have the power here, not him. He is continuing to manipulate you but the truth is that YOU WON. He’s smearing you because HE LOST and he hates that!! Do not speak with him anymore. Begin your new life free of this nightmare. Life is too short and there is no time to waste, sister.

Stay strong!

Zari xo

Hi Zari—Thank you for the response and yes I suppose where there’s one hoover another one is probably not far behind. These scum bags are very crafty and after years of practice, it’s no wonder how seamlessly they can slither their way back into your life. It’s also interesting how things seem to tie together. For example, my ex-turd is a banker for a major banking institution that is currently under the microscope for a scandal involving questionable sales tactics. I remember her constantly bugging me to open up accounts that I really didn’t need to help her meet her quota. Now it all makes sense. After all, what can you expect from a Narc banker?

Thanks again and rock on sister,
Maxie

When he had no work, needed money or other problems, he was his nicest… He moved a lot, four times in four years. Gave up a apartment four months ago at the time he broke up with who he was seeing, she ended it. The time between he and I flew. I now reconcile four years gone, I never paid attention to time… I wonder what he will do.

Hi Maxie,

Yup, the “guitar return” is an absolute hoover, my friend. These turds never change and they never prove me wrong. Watch out…where there’s one hoover, there will definitely be more. Yikes!

Zari xo

Hi Mellisa,

We DO overthink things. My ex (narc) once said to me “You make me way more complicated than I am. I’m just a simple man” and he was right. I talk about this in my books…simplified evil. I’ve concluded that it’s not as if they sit down and figure out all these awful things to do to us…it only APPEARS that way. The truth is actually worse than that. All those bad behaviors come naturally. It’s just what they do. It’s who they are.

Zari:)