Verification: 7240dec21618b03b

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist (& the Agony of Defeat)

The only thing harder than breaking up/going No Contact with a narcissist is breaking up/going No Contact with a narc who also happens to be your baby daddy/momma. Based on the countless emails and comments that I receive from victims (both male AND female) who struggle to co-parent with a narcissist ex, it’s clear to me that there are no easy solutions. In fact, up until I began to write this post, I was beginning to fear that perhaps there were no solutions but this answer simply wasn’t acceptable to me. How am I supposed to help if there are no solutions? So, I gave the subject a good deal of thought and decided tom put a slightly different spin on this very unique co-parenting scenario. Ultimately, what I decided was that co-parenting with a narcissistic ex AND having a peaceful life can happen because it must and that the Agony of Defeat was not insurmountable.

Zari’s on YouTube –Subscribe!

Can a Narcissist love his/her children?

When-love-is-a-lie
Click Image to Order via Amazon

This is the big question, of course, and I believe that the answer to that is ‘no’ – at least not in the way normal people love their children. In fact, it’s not even close. The truth is that a narcissist can no more love his or her children than he or she can love a partner, friend, family member, or anyone else.  I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve never read about it happening. I’ve never heard about it happening. It’s just not possible.  An N is an N is an N. If history showed that even the slightest possibility existed  that narcissists could, in fact, love their own children, I’d be tempted to think that narcissism perhaps was fixable. But there is no history any where that does this…no history, that is, that is based in fact and not in wishful thinking. No, narcissists do not and can not ‘love’ their children.

Now, having said that, do not be misled into thinking that narcissists do not find their children useful under certain circumstances because…oh yeah…they most certainly do. In fact, the N who is a combination “ex-partner” and “co-parent” has the luxury of circulating, surviving, and thriving at levels of evil far beyond that of the typical narcissistic asshole. The narcissist co-parent is indeed a SuperPower in his own right! Yes, he/she who holds this coveted position is awarded the type of false entitlements that a single non-parent narcissist only dreams about. And for the victim partner who wants to get away, a break-up with this narcissist superpower appears too often to be a hopeless situation…a brand new narcissistic show of chaos that promises to be far more damaging than the first, second, and third. And, this time, it is the children who get bumped to the top of the N’s hit list.

Get the Book That Could Change Your Life!
Download When Love Is a Lie from Amazon
Today – Only $7.99!

 

Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?

No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with co-parenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth when children are involved? You can’t. How do you flat out refuse to communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you can’t even defend yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?

narcimpressBecause the N is not a normal human, he/she is going to use the children as a narcissistic tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to the very bone. Since the N has no conscience, dragging the children into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you. The N will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even threaten you – either with CPS or by saying that he simply won’t be bringing them back. Granted, the latter scenario isn’t likely because a typical N honestly can’t be bothered (but the thought is nonetheless horrifying since you know the boundaries that this person will cross both in court and out).  Sadly, you will now have to watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the children. Since the narcissist (again, male or female) can no longer Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological relationship agenda upon the children. It’s likely he/she will make plans with the children and then not show up.  The N may promise to call and then conveniently forget – for days, weeks, or longer. He/she may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be with a “new” ‘victim’ family and partner. He will relish the thought that even now, with the relationship being over, he can still continue to torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least while they’re young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy again!

So, what is the answer?

The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How much time did the N really spend with the children anyway? Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when there’s an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your advantage. You are a good person. He is not.

As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower! You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit, commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text, email, and the sporadic phone call…and it must only concern sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how many of those can there be that have to involve the N?). Above all else, do your best to react to nothing (the point of the N’s game, after all, is to make YOU the psycho co-parent) unless it’s life threatening to the children and even then pay no attention to him/her specifically.

Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trash-talking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all day long if he/she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave – and he will dig it because he just won’t be able to help himself. Take comfort in the fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will come out the winner. The mask always slips and that’s a fact.

From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes… this we already know so where else can we really go but up?  You must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over. You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for this very day….setting the stage for this break-up because he knew it would come…it had to come. The narcissist co-parent counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you still fear what he could do, might do, will do.  He counts on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!

For a Limited Time, Get 2-4-1:
When Love Is a Lie  & Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
for Only $5.99!

Turn it around by having no more fear. It’s time to up the ante.

First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this but that’s too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to “the others” all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids unless you at least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached minutes about Suzie’s sort throat. If you show that you’re willing and actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin behaving immediately to ensure this never happens – and that’s fine too (it’s what we want). I’d be willing to bet that, within a short amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a message to the N that says: I don’t care about you anymore.

Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions. You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life. Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you – as the co-parenting ex victim – will be stronger than any of us who have embarked on this journey.  Your decision to end it with the N despite the fact that you have children together will always be the right decision.

I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. It’s going to be a challenge but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his/her own purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is over!! Don’t allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to stay connected with the N.  Instead, beat the co-parent narcissist at his/her own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you can!

 

(Visited 96,958 times, 1 visits today)

169 Comments

  • Adam

    December 2, 2015 at 1:40 pm Reply

    Just finalized my divorce from a narcissist. It took a year but in the end the inevitable happened and she let the mask slip in front of the guardian ad litem. Now I have primary custody of our 8 year old daughter (I’ve been the one taking care of her her whole life anyway) and the concern for future battles has come. I feel that this article has really given me some great strategies to use in the future and for that I am thankful. To all those in the midst of a fight with a narcissist: put in the time and do the research, there is so much great advice available. Remember that underneath the grandiose front that narcissist work so hard to present, is nothing more than a sad, broken person who’s whole life is built on shame. Don’t let that fool you into thinking they are any less dangerous though, at the end of the day a cobra is still a cobra and if you get bitten again you have no one to blame but yourself. Stay strong, follow the rules, keep a cool head and focus on the best interest of the child/children.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 29, 2015 at 8:59 pm Reply

      Adam wrote...at the end of the day a cobra is still a cobra and if you get bitten again you have no one to blame but yourself. Stay strong, follow the rules, keep a cool head and focus on the best interest of the child/children. Well said!!!!

      Hi Adam,

      I am so sorry that it took me so long to get to your post. Thank you for sharing and I’m going to send you my book about female narcs to the email that you used to write your post. It’s called When Evil Is a Pretty Face and it expands upon the strategies noted and also will give you some pretty deep insight into the female narc. Please feel free to write anytime…I’d love to hear from you and I promise a quicker response time!

      Enjoy the book and Happy New Year, brother! I’m here to support you…

      Zari xo

  • Samantha Stone

    November 29, 2015 at 12:40 pm Reply

    This is completely wrong. How can you sit there and say that the children will be fine?? Has your son hit his sister? Has your son pushed you? Has your son been disrespectful and told you that everything is your fault? Has your son shown signs of every narcissistic abuse tactic under the sun? Has your son refused counseling and screamed everyone else needs it but him? Projection, gaslighting, shaming, intimidating and then the abuse cycle of eventually coming around only to do it all over again. There’s NO help for moms with this type of teenage son. And your site here doesn’t even acknowledge that a child could possibly be acting like the narcissistic parent. Children may be smart someday…when? 40 years from now when it’s too late? I have 6 years to figure this out or he will become a narcissist. All research says I have until he’s 20. And no tools to help me get him the help he needs let alone people who even recognize that maybe the child does take after their father and not the sane one.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 1, 2015 at 1:28 pm Reply

      Hi Samantha,

      Let me say that I’m very sorry for what you are going through and I can hear your frustration. However, my article is not “completely wrong” at all. Whether you expected me to respond, I’m not sure, but because I’m a straight-up kind of person and I have an opinion about this, I’m going to offer my opinion. First of all, this website is about speaking from our own experiences and there are hundreds upon hundreds of women and men who post here about their relationships and co-parenting experiences with a narcissistic abuser. Your experience is, indeed, extreme and without knowing all the details, I hesitate to make an observation…but hear me out for a minute. What I can tell you is that I don’t subscribe to the psychological psycho-babble of research about narcissism at all. To me, any “theory” or written research that suggests that a parent has until a child is twenty to “fix” him/her so that he/she doesn’t “become” a narcissist is ludicrous. Narcissism can’t be “fixed” or even “prevented” and to say otherwise is telling a lie. It just is what it is. Particularly with males, narcissistic qualities don’t even surface until way into adulthood and only after discovered by a wife or girlfriend who becomes baffled by the passive-aggressive weirdness. Up until that point, there are no signs of it. With girls, it’s a little different and the traits can start much earlier because society is more accepting of the behaviors (because they’re girls). I have definitely done my research on narcissism (which is what prompted me to write my own book focusing on the personal side of it) and I’ve also written several papers on the subject and everything that I’ve studied states that narcissism develops within or becomes the precursor for future behavior between the ages of 3 – 6 when the cognitive state is at it’s most vulnerable. This makes sense to me. Usually, during this time, there is one parent who is a narcissist and there is much strife within the home that causes the child to withdraw. The parents, of course, aren’t even aware that the state of their marriage or the dysfunction is affecting the toddler-age child in that manner because no one is even thinking about “narcissism”. I am not a psychologist and I hate psycho-babble about anything but from my own experience and from my consultations and correspondence with hundreds of people involved with narcissists who have children, I stand by everything in my article.

      Now having said that, I am fully aware of what it’s like to have a troubled teenage son. My son was diagnosed with child-onset schizophrenia at the age of TEN (he’s 26 now) – a diagnosis that tipped our world upside down. As a toddler, he had anger issues and, of course, was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medications at a very early age. At the same time, I was divorcing his very mentally abusive father (not the narcissist of my books and who I refer to in articles) and this greatly affected my son. As you can imagine, watching my son have a psychotic break at ten years old was the end of my world. In my mind, I saw his entire future go up in flames. He was in and out of hospitals, on every medications under the sun. I spent much of his adolescence scared out of my mind that I would come home from work and find him hanging from a belt in his closet or that he the Voices would tell him to jump of our third floor balcony. Now, mind you, it was just me and him (no other kids) so we lived in this horrific world. (THEN, enter the narcissist of my books for the next 13-years who just couldn’t be a man at all – but that’s a whole other story). Anyway, like you, I researched schizophrenia until I was blue in the face and I thought “there has got to be another way to approach this”. I was bound and determined that somehow he would have a life. One night my son and I were lying in bed crying (the Voices in his head were so loud he could barely hear me talk), and we made a pinky-swear that we would never give up, he would never kill himself, and that we would love each other and see it through. I refused to accept that my son would be a statistic. From that day forward, I TOOK CHARGE OF MY SON’S CONDITION. I called the shots, held meetings at the school and at the doctors office. I was an advocate for my son – we worked as a team but I was the Boss. I decided what meds to try and when to try them. On his own, he developed coping strategies for controlling anger and anxiety. Today, my son is 26 and he’s the most amazing person I know. We try to help others with mental illness, speaking to groups, telling our story. I am currently finishing a book about the experience. It’s been a long-ass journey to hell and back – but we’re back!

      Now, what does all that have to do with you and your son? A lot. If I can get through THAT, you can get through THIS and you can come out okay. But first you have to calm down and look at this logically. My question to you is WHY you think your son is on his way to being a “narcissist”…because his father is a narcissist? You say that your 14-year old son is projecting, gaslighting, and shaming but I’m suggesting to you that something else is going on. Sure, a 14-year old may “pick up” some of his dad’s behaviors just like he may “pick up” some of your behaviors but that doesn’t mean he’s “going to become” either of you if you don’t hurry and “fix” it. Do you worry about your daughter becoming a narcissist?…because girls female narcissists are as evil as they come. The way you describe, he already IS a narcissist and it’s too late. You’ve already set his fate and decided there’s no help for either of you. It sounds to me as if he has some serious anger issues but to specify that he gaslights and projects, shames and intimidates, is projecting his dad’s narcissistic qualities onto him. I might be tempted to do that myself but please don’t. It seals his fate even when it’s unlikely it’s his problem. Something else is wrong here. When we’re talking teenagers, those behaviors mean something entirely different. You’re his mother but you’ve got to be his advocate as well. Don’t allow him to “gaslight” you or project onto you or shame you…what does that even mean when you’re talking about a 14-year old? Please do research elsewhere and don’t focus on narcissism as being his “disorder” – that’s not how narcissism works. If it did work like that and narcissism could be “caught” early, there wouldn’t be over 3 million narcissists walking the planet. This is why you feel like there’s no help – because there isn’t! The truth is that narcissism isn’t a teenage disorder. And don’t give yourself a time limit (6 years) to “fix” him – please don’t buy into that psycho babble. You’re his mother – you have all the time in the world to help him. I pray that you will work it out. Sometimes you just have to change your perspective of the situation with children when we’re doing it alone. It’s so very hard…I know that…and I’m here to support you.

      Please take care and write anytime…

      Zari:)

  • Alexander Bird

    November 18, 2015 at 1:01 pm Reply

    Just Checking in things are going here. Just need a quick Narc to English translation. “Every time you start a new job you treat me so bad”. And “I’m not concernerned with the past all I care about is the future.” That was a responce when I told her that I am nolonger playing her passive agressive manupaltion games. Any way after being dianosed with Borderline personalty disorderer and haveing it being documnted, the back ground investagators and the Sherrif at the Local Sherrifs Office threw her statements out about the domestic vilonce and I was picked up where Im living so no four hour move to Orlando.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2015 at 3:02 pm Reply

      Hi Alex!

      Thanks for checking in and congrats on getting picked locally – too cool! As for her diagnosis, I was not liking that at first because, of course, it gives her an excuse but now that you tell me about the DV being thrown out, I’m okay with it. I’m just telling you that just because she has been “diagnosed” as such and such is no excuse for anything that she’s done or anything she’ll do in the future. Most doctors/therapists/psychologists don’t recognize a narcissist (much less a FEMALE one) and, thus, will give a different label. That being said, calling it a borderline personality disorder is close and at least validates what we already knew to be true about her.

      Okay…here’s a Narc to English translation:

      1. NARCSPEAK: “Every time you start a new job you treat me so bad”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION: “Every time you start a new job where there are new people who think you’re a great guy (because they don’t know you) and probably a whole lot of women that you flirt with all day (because that’s the kind of guy I know you are), you get all full of yourself and treat me like shit”.
      MY OBSERVATION: She’s feels threatened/jealous when you’re around new people who are NORMAL

      2. NARCSPEAK: “I’m not concerned with the past all I care about is the future.”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #1: “All you ever do is bring up the past and how bad I was. It’s like you’re
      obsessed or something. Get over it!”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #2: “I hate when you bring up all the horrible things I did. I don’t care about that. I’m too busy
      thinking up all the NEW bad things I can do in the future.”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #3: “It’s unfortunate that you’re such a negative person. My focus is always on the future. Too bad
      you can’t be more like me.”
      MY OBSERVATION: Since she accepts no blame for the past, the fact that you bring it up is very annoying to her.

      Hope that helps! Don’t fall for any bullshit, brother.

      Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2015 at 3:05 pm Reply

      Hi Alex!

      Thanks for checking in and congrats on getting picked locally – too cool! As for her diagnosis, I was not liking that at first because, of course, it gives her an excuse but now that you tell me about the DV being thrown out, I’m okay with it. I’m just telling you that just because she has been “diagnosed” as such and such is no excuse for anything that she’s done or anything she’ll do in the future. Most doctors/therapists/psychologists don’t recognize a narcissist (much less a FEMALE one) and, thus, will give a different label. That being said, calling it a borderline personality disorder is close and at least validates what we already knew to be true about her.

      Okay…here’s a Narc to English translation:

      1. NARCSPEAK: “Every time you start a new job you treat me so bad”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION: “Every time you start a new job where there are new people who think you’re a great guy (because they don’t know you) and probably a whole lot of women that you flirt with all day (because that’s the kind of guy I know you are), you get all full of yourself and treat me like shit”.
      MY OBSERVATION: She’s feels threatened/jealous when you’re around new people who are NORMAL

      2. NARCSPEAK: “I’m not concerned with the past all I care about is the future.”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #1: “All you ever do is bring up the past and how bad I was. It’s like you’re obsessed or
      something. Get over it!”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #2: “I hate when you bring up all the horrible things I did. I don’t care about that. I’m too busy
      thinking up all the NEW bad things I can do in the future.”
      ENGLISH TRANSLATION #3: “It’s unfortunate that you’re such a negative person. My focus is always on the future. Too
      bad you can’t be more like me.”
      MY OBSERVATION: Since she accepts no blame for the past, the fact that you bring it up is very annoying to her.

      Hope that helps! Don’t fall for any bullshit, brother.

      Zari xo

  • Scott

    September 29, 2015 at 7:55 am Reply

    I wish these articles didn’t always say he. I am divorcing a female Narsasstic Sociopath right now and she is everything in this article

    • Zari Ballard

      September 29, 2015 at 9:32 am Reply

      Hi Scott,

      Sorry about the reference to “he” but I’ve tried changing it to he/she in every sentence and it ruins the flow of the article. Since I do write about based mostly on my own experience, I chose the “he”. However, I do think care about you guys and I just published a book about the female narcissist called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. It’s downloadable from Amazon and I guarantee you’d see yourself on every page. Female narcissist are actually so much worse than the male narcissist because society, for the most part, allows her bad behavior. And, as you know, she learns how to work the system.

      Check out the book….it’ll validate everything you’ve ever experienced with her!

      Zari xo

  • mike

    September 26, 2015 at 9:38 pm Reply

    was with a covert closet narcissist for 20 years, 4 kids later, what living emotional hell, utter emotional torment, she is a mentally ill, only found out about narcissism last October 2014, five months after she discarded me, found out after, she was hooking up with co workers, who ever, she just dragged me through the mud, damn I feel so foolish, everything became clear, realized wasn’t me who was messed up, have to take responsibility for my reactions though, she just totally manipulated me, was totally blind, didn’t know how evil this disorder actually is, she is heartless, she has no conscience at all, nothing was ever her fault, I was always made to feel bad about everything, 90s were the worst, cant believe I stayed with this person for so long, she fed off me, even after she caused fights, usually after a quick fling, she would come and start her sick mind games, I loved her, she didn’t love me at all, my kids are suffering still, they are having a tough time adjusting to everything, she has manipulated my youngest daughter against me, now im co parenting with this monster, be years before I get into another relationship, all I can do is try an be the normal parent for my babies, hope this nightmare comes to an end one day, seems there is no winning with a narcissist at all, cant go no contact because my kids need me.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 3, 2015 at 12:32 am Reply

      Hi Mike,

      Give yourself a break because 20-years is a very long time. Female narcissists are the worst of the worst and you guys suffer far more than we do when it comes right down to it (and we suffer a lot!!). Please, if you can, go to Amazon and download a copy of my book When Evil Is a Pretty Face which is all about how the female narcissist behaves in relationships. It’s a cheap and easy read and you don’t need a Kindle to download it. There is also a chapter on co-parenting inside with some good advice about how you can lesson the pain of each interaction. Have to deal with them relative to the kids is always difficult but it is far from impossible!

      Stay strong, brother, and please try to read the book. In the interim, feel free to write anytime. I am always here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Annie

    September 24, 2015 at 9:14 pm Reply

    I’m in a very overwhelming situation me & my narcissts ex have 2 daughters together 9 & 11. I have done the no contact & so have the children. Both kids have their own cell phones & although most texts (most I believe aren’t even written by him) are simply threats & put downs about me, my daughters refuse to answer a call or text him back. I’m going back & forth with courts & the children have a law guardian who they told that they don’t want to see their father. I’ve tried to be reasonable when we first broke up (mind you this was our second break
    up) I was willing to give him visits with the children 3 days a week…..he never showed! He is now living with another woman (an old friend of mine) which yes hurts me so much cause friends should have been off limits, but it’s not only that she was my friend but since she starting dating my ex she lost custody of her own 2 little girls & has to have supervised visits with her mom to see her girls. I can’t come to terms to ever look this woman in the eyes & discuss the well being of my children with her when I don’t respect the parent that she is. I’m afraid that he may get visitations & be able to bring this “bad mom” around my kids. I’m losing my mind I have no clue what to expect when we go back to court. He is the ultimate narcissts….this isn’t my first time going through this with him. But not only is he a N he’s also a drug user & so is his girlfriend. Supposedly she’s in rehab for the past 5 months & her ex feels the same way….he doesn’t want his girls around my ex. Even with the no contact he still manages to try to get to me. He’s called acs on me he’s stalked my fb to find out info about me made threats & belittled me to no end. I have since the break up gotten a job and picked up the pieces of mine & my daughters lives & started rebuilding, without his help! Hasn’t paid a dollar toward court ordered child support & is now is arrears $37,000 & told mutual friends of ours that he has no intensions on paying & he won’t pay because he don’t see his kids. I’m lost do I force the kids to go with him because even after all the times he promised to come & get them & take them places now he really wants to see them. How many times do I allow him to break their hearts???

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2015 at 2:06 am Reply

      Hi Annie,

      I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this but you actually have the control here. First of all, if he is court-ordered to pay child support and he’s in arrears $37K, why isn’t his paycheck being garnished? My son’s dad got behind almost $58K and he, too, refused to pay and I MADE the state go after him, his paycheck, his bank account (and his girlfriend’s/now wife’s). It took a few years of hell but eventually I got it all. The child support division is so busy that you HAVE to bug them, write them, email them, go down to the local office but once you get the ball in motion for enforcement, it doesn’t stop. Tell them you want his paycheck garnished although his SS# should be flagged by now. You should be getting his Federal AND state tax returns EVERY YEAR if he files for them. If he’s not working or if he’s working under the table, too bad…tell them you want them to go after his driver’s license. Push, push, push. You can make things happen but you have to be your own advocate. By the way, what the hell is a “law guardian”? I wouldn’t trust that at all. There will be days that your kids won’t want to see their dad and if you feel you can do it, make an excuse to keep them home. He’ll get over it. Does he physically abuse them? If not, then they really need to go – girlfriend or not. I know the situation with your ex-friend is awkward but her parenting skills are not going to affect your children. She’s got her own problems and I’m sure she’s not happy about it. No one enjoys having their children taken away – it’s devastating. Unless you think she physically abuses them, don’t use her being there as an excuse to make your ex miserable and keep the kids home. The courts won’t like that if it should come up.

      Secondly, aside from the child situation, he can’t get to you if you don’t let him. Who cares if he stalks your FB? Block him and block everyone who knows him. Delete the account. Stay away from social media – it’s unnecessary and causes nothing but problems. Why is he threatening you? What is he saying? Record it or journal it. It’s very important that you get a grip on things and calm down. You should show only DETACHMENT AND INDIFFERENCE when interacting with him and all interactions should be limited to ten minutes. If he texts mean things to the kids, save the texts and block him from their phones. This is not out of your control. Live your life and be happy. Your children are resilient. I would refrain from talking bad about dad in front of them EVEN THOUGH HE IS DOING IT ABOUT YOU. You can’t control his behavior but you can control your reaction to it. And if your kids don’t want to see him most of the time anyway, how can he be breaking their hearts? I went through all this and my kid turned out great. Believe me, my son knows who was the good parent and who was the bad parent. Just remain detached and indifferent and be the best mom you can. Don’t worry what he’s doing or up to or who he’s with. Get on with the good life you’ve created for you and your children. before you know it, your narcissist ex will dig his own parental grave – they always do. Just stay strong on your end.

      Zari xo

  • Alexander Bird

    September 18, 2015 at 2:41 pm Reply

    It been about a year since the first court date and things are going well the harassing phone calls have stoped for the most part. Baby mama has been diagnosed with Borderline personlty disorder. Me and my daughter are palnning a trip to disney for my Birthday in November. And on antoher good note i will be getting fitted for uniforms with Orlando PD while I am visiting Disney. . About once a week I do get a phone call becouse Evelyn wont go to bed and I have to listen on how baby mama has to be up in the morning.. Last time I told her that she could drop Evelyn off at my place. did not recive that call this week.

    5thanks for every thing

    Alex

    • Zari Ballard

      September 19, 2015 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Hi again,

      Sorry that it took me so long to respond to your first post! Oh, yeah, it looks like those calls about Evelyn not being able to sleep were more about HER and not so much about the fact that your little girl was up late. As soon as you said she could bring her over, it all stopped. You “get it”, that’s for sure!

      If I’m ever happen to be in Orlando, I hope you pull me over! Ha-ha! Have an awesome time in Disney – you’re a wonderful daddy:)

      Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      September 19, 2015 at 5:46 pm Reply

      Had to say one more thing…I can not believe it’s been a year since that first court date. OMG. Look how far you’ve come and all that has happened. You are inspirational, my friend, to me and especially to all of the fathers out there who suffer at the hands of the female narcissist. It’s proof once again that all is possible. Thank you for checking in with me – I truly appreciate it and I’ll always be here to support you:)

      Zari xo

1 2 3 4 5 6 … 11

Post a Reply to coach Cancel Reply

Get Zari's Book