Comments on: Narcissist Abuse Recovery: Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

By: C

Mon, 16 Apr 2018 00:16:11 +0000

That’s an intriguing thought—that closure doesn’t exist. I had a narcissist in my life years ago, and it’s only now, with articles like these, that I am beginning to understand it—I mean, who knew that all this existed? I always tried to get my head around the discard by apologizing and saying something profound that would bring about some kind of mutual respect and understanding—it never happened. I never got the closure I was looking for. Now I’m thinking, maybe closure doesn’t exist because the emotional relationship didn’t really exist. If it was a lie from the moment you were targeted as a source of supply, your emotions were played, and it was not your fault. The emotional relationship didn’t exist, so you can’t close it out with the narcissist no matter how hard you try. But I do find healing in realizing that someone duped me emotionally from the get go, and so the fake relationship and however it ended was not my fault—no matter how naive I was. Even if you are at fault for being in love with love, and not reality, someone was saying false things to encourage that. As for revenge, well, karma always helps—that moment years later when you realize that the person who hurt you has gotten precisely what was coming to them, through a weird set of coincidences. It does happen.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 09:22:08 +0000

In reply to Deanna Phillips. Good for you Deanna! You CAN ignore his existence! You've come way too far to turn back now, girl!....xo

By: Deanna Phillips

Deanna Phillips — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 02:11:38 +0000

In reply to Zari Ballard.

PS – Just purchased your book on NOOK. I was really glad to find this site and read all of your blogs to get me through the past few days. There were so many things that I couldn’t make any sense of….this site has made it clear that I never need to glance backward or feel another “what if”. Thank you for putting this info out for those of us who need to find it.

I escaped two weeks ago…put everything in storage and left town. Had to return today — albeit to new apt — and needed to bolster myself in case I ever run into this mofo. I haven’t stopped replaying the past in my head yet, but I think I can ignore his existence now.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 00:49:08 +0000

In reply to Deanna Phillips.

Oh I think that those are just the “happy endings” he deserves – the ones he has to pay for. The happy endings we get from the world once the narcissist is gone and we have moved on are absolutely free and abundant!…xo

By: Deanna Phillips

Deanna Phillips — Sat, 08 Apr 2017 18:57:10 +0000

“…How can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence?”

I’ll tell you how….I found out my ex was visiting massage brothels on a daily basis as a regular part of his work day. He was paying for the “happy endings”.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 17 Dec 2016 02:22:50 +0000

In reply to Elke.

Hi Elke,

Well, your revenge should have been your closure. For most of us, it would have been. Like you said, the “sorry’s” don’t come with any sincerity and you definitely can’t expect to ever get them now on any level after outing him. LOL The fact that you had cold hard facts and you did something with him that basically put him in his place…exposed him to his family…even though I don’t condone revenge per se, this sounds like closure to me. It also sounds like validation and “justice” that he is what he is. Sure, he has a “disorder” but he’s a grown-up. I don’t cut them any slack on that. The fact is that narcissists know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. THAT’S whats hard to wrap our head around.

I would move on and be happy, girl. You got more closure, validation, and justice than most of us here put together!

Zari:)

By: Elke

Elke — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 22:57:24 +0000

I have had my revenge (I unmasked my N in his professional life and he lost his job because of the information I had and shared from him , and I exposed him in his family life sending sex video’s and evidence of his cheating on me to his family) and it felt good in a way although it also made me feel bad about myself because I normally do not believe in revenge and our values and believes make us think that revenge is a bad thing.
However, I still felt/feel the need for closure even after having had my revenge. The nagging feeling is still there. The need for closure is more than the need for revenge to me.
It is the need to be validated. The need to hear “sorry”, the need to talk to the N after seeing things clear again, the need for justice, the need as a victim to be recognized as a victim and to be validated as a person really. To get acknowledgement for just existing.
But we all know that will NEVER happen with these people. NEVER! For me, it is still difficult to realize that people like this do exist, it still gives me the shivers that I was so intimate with somebody so evil and so deceptive, actually enjoying the process of destroyiny somebody. How sick is that. As a normal person I still catch myself thinking sometimes that I must have dreamt all of it and one day he will come over to say sorry. I KNOW this will never happen. But even knowing that, there is this completely wrong “hope” that maybe a final conversation with him would change his perspective on things and he would apologize. Hilarious. I would never take him back. Not in a million years. And no, break-ups are never easy and only in rare occasions go smoothly. But not even having a break-up momentum, not even having a break-up conversation, no talking responsibility for the hurt that was caused, etc, is one of the most difficult things I had to do in my life. Asking for closure with a N is like asking a man with no legs to go out and have a walk with you. Those people are sick. They have a mental disorder. Accepting that and fully realizing that was my starting point to heal. Accepting who they are (without any excuses for their behaviour ofcourse). Sick. With no perspective of getting better. We can and will get better.
Good luck to you all!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 03 Dec 2016 09:16:14 +0000

In reply to Me.

Hi Me,

I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been there…and so have so many others here. We’ve all gone back in to see if the fire still burns and it always does. Look, it doesn’t matter how smart we are or how much we read while we’re going through it. You can’t force the ending but I assure you it can happen. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it explains everything that you feel and how I got past it and survived. You can be a survivor too! Your happiness – which will happen (I promise) – is so very important. I wasted 13-year and I discovered what he was in the 8th year – and I still stayed! So, you are not alone, my sister.

If you need to talk, book some talk time and we’ll work it out. You have it all going on…don’t allow this guy to waste anymore of your life. And yes, a wonderful life is the BEST revenge but it’s a process to recovery. Why waste anymore time?

Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

Zari xo

By: Me

Me — Thu, 24 Nov 2016 09:59:31 +0000

I am still suffering from PTSD after being completely used by a Swedish narc. He promised me the world but took everything from me. Being a career woman with a high salary, lots of time and love for his children… I ended up sick, a maid and nanny for his enjoyment.
I am out … I packed my stuff and ran.. forgot to bring a few things (very pricy things) and he is holding them hostage. This has been the worst experience in my life and very few people around me can understand why I suffer.
I am almost free… but after new contact to get my belongings I am back in the darkness.
All I can say is … what the @:):( happened? After reading everyday online about this type of disturbed personalities I still cry and miss the idiot!!!
Hopefully soon I will get back my life and I will have my revenge… A wonderful life .. and he will be stuck with his horrible life and choises.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Tue, 27 Sep 2016 18:22:43 +0000

In reply to Andrew.

Hi Andrew
Your experience sounds very similar to mine with my ex N. He promised me everything at first and seemed to be so loving and sincere but the red flags started appearing and I just ignored them. He flirted with other women on text and social media behind my back and possibly cheated too but I don’t know.
He’s now targeting someone else as I won’t take his crap and cut off his supply, but he’s still tried to keep me as an option with the most sickening smarmy fake sincerity *puke*.
He has no conscience and nor does your ex. As hurt as I’ve been by him I’ve had to choose not to let him break me and not to let him ruin my future by leaving me unable to ever trust anyone again.
Read up on Narc’s if you feel yourself missing your ex – it helps to remind yourself that they’re not worth anything and will never change. Focus on the fact that you’re a good person and you have morals and values in your relationships.
Have pity for your ex as she will continue to be a horrible prospect in relationships and she is EMPTY inside.
You’ll be fine and all this will pass.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 25 Sep 2016 23:30:24 +0000

In reply to Andrew.

Hi Andrew,

Thank you for sharing your tale of woe…we’ve all got one and they are pretty much interchangeable. I’ll be the first to tell you that the female narcissists are absolutely the worst of the worst. I’m convinced that they have their male counterparts beat hands down in the evil department. I’m glad that you’re getting away from her and I’d be sure to run as far as I can because for the narcissist, the game never gets old and it never ends. As for the BP diagnosis, I never buy that. It’s a convenient excuse for horrendous behavior and they’ll use it at every turn. Because she’s a therapist, she knows EXACTLY what she’s doing and what she needs to say to get some slack on her hook. Narcissists know right from wrong, Andrew…they just don’t give a shit.

Please consider booking a consultation with me to help you through this. It’s very painful and I talk to men all the time all over the world who are going through the same thing. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help you do that. You’d be amazed how empowering a simple conversation can be when you’re speaking with someone who has been right where you’re at. You WILL survive it…trust in the truth that you know and make a game plan to get the hell out of dodge:)

Stays strong!

Zari:)

By: Andrew

Andrew — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 01:52:43 +0000

Well, Im a 44 year old man, just got over a year long relationship with a really damaged woman. Lots of family, sexual and drug trauma. For a year I thought she was sincere. I fell for every game and became a victim. She said I was the abuser, only because I became one after all the games she would play with me. I was acting in self defense. Telling her to be accountable, have integrity, be trustworthy but all her actions spoke louder than her words. I saw the flags flying early and being co-dep I keep looking past the issues. All the complaining, the you dont love my 16yr old son (pain in the ass) you are never nice to us….so I became on of them. Its sucks because I eventually starting going to therapy and then she cheated on me three time. Went into her womens liberation and free will, I can be a slut and you can’t shame me shit. All the while its excuse after excuse. DO this and do that for me and my son. Never giving anything back but BS. I was never good enough. Well now I see she is also bi-polar (poor thing) and has a few other traits but keeps telling me see love d me and if I was nicer to her son it would be all ok. I actually believed it. So after realizing she is BP, has sex issues, social anxiety, excuses for everything I am on the road to getting out of her life. Its been so painful for me. As a man with good qualities, means well and would bend and compromise if I was in the wrong. Yet she continued to make me feel like I was the problem. She is a flirt (yet says is normal) I told her flirting is because she is insecure and when you love someone you dont flirt. If your partner has a problem with it you stop. Instead its my problem and I’m jealous…and can’t trust her. Ahh duh. Im finally seeing the patterns and running for the hills. To boot she is a therapist herself and it makes it all so real and humiliating. You would think she would see she is BP and N and get some help at the Hospital she works at. So I know I am rambling, but I want to ask some of the women here what they think? Im really struggling with all this. Its really fucked me up good and I need to get away so I can feel better. I do miss the Ex but know its never going to work. She even tried the lets be friend thing and I know its only to keep me around because she knows I am good source for her. I really fell for her but now I know it was a mistake….help someone get me out of here.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 10 Mar 2016 03:55:17 +0000

In reply to Fluffy.

Hi Fluffy,

It’s my privilege to help in any way that I can:) I hope you enjoy the books and may they continue to empower you until (and long after) you climb out of the rabbit hole. I am sure that you will see yourself on every page…my story is your story. Be sure to stay educated about it so that the possibility of going back defies all logic. These monsters will use, abuse, and manipulate us until the end of time if we allow it. The game for them just never gets old.

Stay strong, sister…and know that I’m here to support you:)

Zari xo

By: Fluffy

Fluffy — Sun, 06 Mar 2016 18:15:17 +0000

In reply to Zari Ballard. Your website has become a sort of daily meditation for me, and has a lot to do with being able to stay strong. I was so head-over-heels in love with his fake persona that it was almost physical torture to cut him out of my life, but I had to. He was killing my psyche, slowly but surely. I just ordered your books, and I can see them becoming my "bibles" for a little, or perhaps a long while. Whatever it takes. Thanks for all you do to help me rediscover my sanity. ????

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 01:55:52 +0000

In reply to Fluffy.

Hi Fluffy,

Yup, closure is a made up word…it’s the stuff movies are made of. In real life, closure comes from within. When it’s a narc we’re dealing with, the only closure we need is to close the fucking chapter and be done with it. I, too, believe that eventually karma will kick them in the ass but even if it doesn’t, the hope is that, by that time, we’re at a place in OUR lives that we just don’t give a shit (about them or what ever happened to them).

Stay strong!

Zari xo

By: Fluffy

Fluffy — Sat, 27 Feb 2016 04:48:03 +0000

It took me almost 6 years to dump my Narc, but better late than never. I cannot tell you how much all of your articles have helped me, and ESPECIALLY this one. I could go on and on about all the stupid shit he's pulled over all these years, but it's nothing new. The urge to see him burn is pretty strong, even though I will probably never see it. I do believe in karma, though, and at some point he will be hit by a reallllllly bad boomerang. Would love to be there when it decks him, but on the other hand, why the f**k would I want to even be in the same zip code with such a pathetic asshole.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 03 Oct 2015 07:24:34 +0000

In reply to Ines.

Hi Ines,

Yeah, unfortunately the closure we imagine (and save all that evidence up for!) isn’t much closure at all. That’s why I say that “closure” is actually a made-up Hollywood word that only occurs in love stories with bittersweet endings. The truth is that even if the narcissist in question admits to ALL of it and begs to be forgiven, he/she will just commit the crime again and probably quicker and more efficiently than the time before. But hey, at least you tried and so now you know! LOL We’ve all done it!

Keep reading and staying educated and you’ll get stronger and stronger. The way I see it, recovery is a team effort and we need to stick together!

Stay strong and know that I’m here to support you:)

Zari xo

By: Ines

Ines — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 11:57:56 +0000

For me closure was about confronting him with all my secret evidences of his lies, then declaring assertively “that really hurt, why did you do that?”. Similar to Desmond Tutu’s truth commissions after apartheid abuse in South Africa. I was expecting some kind of explanation and apology? That would have been closure, we could depart as friends and have nice family dinners with our children every now and then. So I convinced him to go through a period of therapy first, hoping that would “fix” him so he could handle the truth commission situation, and we could avoid drama and circular discussions.
So, I finally did it, few days ago, I confronted him: Ulf, you used me as rubber doll to test whether you could enhance your sexual wings using blue pills, in order to take the step and go to bed with your staff member whom you were flirting with. You could have just broken up with me first, then gone over to her, and simply ask her whether she would like to test blue pills with you. You left me, then came back and hoovered me, but all the time you were in a relationship with her. And you denied it blatantly every time I asked you about that situation. So what do you have to say? And the reaction was … you got it! More intense narcissistic behavior. Diffuse denial or sudden amnesia, “I don’t remember whether I slept with her after I returned home (hoovering). I really don’t remember … ”. After this he moved out because he feels bad after our conversations, and now applies silent treatment.
So no, that closure hasn’t given me any closure … But at least I tried …

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 05 Sep 2015 04:05:16 +0000

In reply to Louise. Louise wrote...N’s really don’t love, they are so dishonest but they do say odd little remarks which offer insight once you have removed yourself from the crazy world U found yourself in. Hi Louise, You are so right, my friend. I wrote an article about that very thing right here. Narcissists are like children who can't help but give themselves away. They wear us down with their bullshit but if we just sit and listen, we can ultimately learn everything we need to know and every reason why we should leave. Do not give in to the hoover. Narcissists only return again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain they have caused you. I'm sure you know this but I must give a reminder just the same. Let him stay someone else's problem and always remember that you deserve to be happy! Zari xo

By: Louise

Louise — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 02:37:03 +0000

ive been hoovered 3 times by my ex.
1st discard by telephone after a 2 month silence.
New girlfriend + some friendly texts whilst he was with her.
2nd declared great love told me of childhood abuses etc.
2nd discard, pure abuse.
I’m vulnerable, no apology arrived but some. “I miss u” “I’m sad” “xxx” type texts.
I was hoovered for the final time.
It got seriously bad very very rapidly. He was raging the final time to the point where I was sick, in shock & very frightened.
Not a word from him, new lady for him one month later. They’ve been an item for 9 months.
Hoovering 4 has begun on me, I’m not responding as he would really like. Just simple polite responses. Luckily he gave me the 9 months to recover myself & rebuild my life. My self esteem was so low and I’d lost the habit of visiting my friends.
I feel sad for the latest victim, she has 2 very young children who will be affected by the discard.
N’s really don’t love, they are so dishonest but they do say odd little remarks which offer insight once you have removed yourself from the crazy world U found yourself in.

By: Belle

Belle — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 03:50:15 +0000

I have been involved with what I now think is a narcissistic sociopath for almost 6 years. I am NOT young, I was 61 when we met in his antique shop. Within three months time, even though I was married, he had love bombed me to the point that he convinced me we were ” meant ” to be together! He flattered me like no one EVER has, said God sent me into his shop. Promised marriage in two months time after my divorce! He paid for a condo for me yo live in, paid living expenses, but he moved in with me. He had another huge house and I foolishly thought he would live there until we married! After my divorce NOTHING was ever mentioned about marriage! I was SOOO upset, I was dependent on him, he had me work for him telling me I needed to be a team player! I had very little money, no family, no children and no place to go to! He says I caused our problems because I had a bad temper and was jealous! He flirted with all the attractive women customers and eventually tried to have an affair with another married woman who began working for him one day a week WHILE I was still living with him! He denied it, made me think I was crazy! He finally literally threw me out. I had no house, I got one in my divorce but he told me to sell it because we weren’t ever going back to that town. He took the money I received, $10,000, from the closing because he then told me he shouldn’t have to pay for my divorce, said it was just a loan! I never heard that remark when we were at the attorney’s office and the fee was discussed and he said he would just pay it with his credit card! Anyway, I moved in with a girlfriend, had a one day a week job, was devastated and felt like such a fool. Four days later, calls and says he made a mistake, begs me yo come back. I loved him but Zi said I needed an engagement ring! Three months later I got one, but it lasted only two months. He asked for it back because we argued about me working for him more days, and him telling me he was a decorator too and I said I wanted my own place to decorate! He said if that was how I felt bring the ting back. I did 2 weeks later and there was his longtime ” friend” as he always told me in his shop. I found out he was giving her a copy of his will and making her the executor. Of course at the time he lied about why she was there! We never hit re engaged, we dated, but he cheated, unbeknownst to me though! He has been with this woman, his do called friend, who everyone in town thinks they are a couple for 25 years. I didn’t know all this when we met, he said he was single and just friends with her! After another year of dating, breaking up, back and forth, out of the blue he calls and says he can’t see me for a week because his sister was visiting! I pleaded with him for us ALL to get together! I discovered his “friend” was back serving him and this went on for THREE years! He finally said he was just going to date HER. However he continued to Dailey text me, come down to my hometown and spend the nights about once every two weeks. He alwYs kept saying how he didn’t love her, never even held her hand, but she probably did feel differently about him! I let this insulting behavior go on for all these years. I knew about her, but he didn’t want her to know about ME. I can’t understand how I allowed this. BTW, he had two year long affairs with other people while he was with her before I came along. She knows he cheats but she always takes him back! Now last year, out of the blue, he calls and says he’s BROKEN up with her and wants to see me! I am so weak that I agree. Meanwhile I TRIED to move on but he was still in my life. I was dating a nice man but I ended it with him then. Now this narcissist tells me he just wants us to date, and go slow and have fun. Says life is all about fun! Like a fool I agreed. We have broken up MANY times during these 8 months. I always try to end it. I am so frustrated, he doesn’t want to marry, yet when I end things, he writes me saying he wants marriage, promises me that if I come back. Of course I but nothing changes! Every time we break up he goes right back to seeing this woman every night. She cooks dinner for him every night, I am very upset about this but he acts like its nothing, says I am the reason he goes back to her. I am too emotional, to demanding, too jealous, says I am crazy, bipolar! I always call him after I try to break up and stay away! He says he knows I will be calling him soon. This time he went to a pottery show for ten days out of town and we weren’t talking at the time. Before he left I called and tried to explain why I am so upset with him, why I never feel secure in this relationship. I offered to go to that show either him but he said she was going and was helping him. I said well if they are JUST friends then it won’t matter. He lied yo my face, said she had her own room and was driving up to Ohio by herself. Of course it was not true. He stopped texting me, told me he was too busy yo talk. I discovered she stayed with him, in his room for the ten days, they drove up together! I was SO upset! He returned and when I told him I KNEW all this he acted like it was NOTHING. Said he asked her to stay in his room because it saved her $700. Says nothing happens! I accepted THIS AGAIN, what’s wrong with me?…I have read everything I all I can find about this, he fits the profile of a narcissist I think but I am beginning to think he’s right, that I am crazy. I break up with him, I know he lies, he cheats, I try No Contact, but I can’t stick to it! Now, after this trip, I ended it again, I actually had a date with someone else. I was still texting him though! He tracked me down at my dates house and left letters on my windshield at his home!! I talked to him again and we started dating AGAIN for a week. I am pretty sure the ” friend” was still out of town and now all of a sudden, he leaves me a long text saying all the same things, how everything I do is wrong, I don’t eat right, I just want him to marry me, I want someone to just take care of me, on and one, I am bipolar etc. and he is not going to see me anymore!!!!! This is the third day! I blocked him, I know he is not normal but I am having such a hard time with this. I thought we actually loved each other, I know logically no one treats someone this way and loves them. I am 66 years old now, no children, no family, alone and feeling like such a fool to have ever believed all his lies! I need help!!! I want to KNOW that he is a narcissist, and I want someone to help me stay away from him and try to have a normal rest of my life!!!!!!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 05:32:37 +0000

In reply to Shoshannah. Forwarded post to Marta.... Must say, though, there's not a whole lot that's "sweet" about a narc or "hilarious" about his behavior. It's completely disrespectful. No doubt he's hanging on to the clothes just in case his newest target doesn't work out for him...then he'll have an excuse to show up on your doorstep. Zari xo

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 05:27:51 +0000

Shoshanna wrote to Marta.....Marta, my case is even worse, because it’s not me who has his clothes, but the other way round – he has mine! And he refused to see me, hence to give me my clothes back. (eventhough I tried, I was at his doorstep, saying that I only want my clothes and that he can even throw them through his window, if he doesn’t want to see me so badly. no result) So not only he vanished, my clothes vanished too. …sometimes I think our sweet narcs are just hilarious. Isn’t it funny that this hypnic jerk cannot give me my clothes back? oh well…

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 05:07:50 +0000

In reply to Shoshannah. Shoshanna wrote...First time he did it, the silence took 2 months. Now, it might be longer… And I’m trying to use this time to prepare myself for not letting him back in (we work in the same field and he is a great professional contact for me so it can be a little tricky). Hi Shoshanna, Great post. In my second book, Stop Spinning, I talk about I had no clue what a "silent treatment" even meant until my ex did it to me. I thought for sure he was dead! When I discovered it was deliberate, I was sick to my stomach. It felt as if I had been erased. The silent treatments almost killed me, happening literally hundreds of times over 13-years and lasting anywhere from 1 week to 4 months. Even though the silence is a break-up in disguise, the narcissist knows that he actually keeps us hanging and unsure, thus leaving him a foot in the door. And you can always be sure that when he returns, someone else is getting the silent treatment. A narc is never alone even though he is a master at making it look that way. Great post...stay strong and find other contacts professionally. It's obvious this one is a piece of shit. Zari xo

By: Shoshannah

Shoshannah — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 03:50:33 +0000

Marta, my case is even worse, because it’s not me who has his clothes, but the other way round – he has mine! And he refused to see me, hence to give me my clothes back. (eventhough I tried, I was at his doorstep, saying that I only want my clothes and that he can even throw them through his window, if he doesn’t want to see me so badly. no result) So not only he vanished, my clothes vanished too.

…sometimes I think our sweet narcs are just hilarious. Isn’t it funny that this hypnic jerk cannot give me my clothes back? oh well…