Hi Eileen…yup, your gut is right. It’s all about what they can get away with….

Years ? Nothing to a narcissist

Hi Andrew! I hope you are doing okay….remember you can email me anytime. It was great to speak with you and I would love an update:)

Hi Hannah,

Thank you for sharing and yes they do know exactly what they are doing. I would definitely pull yourself out of any and all projects that involve him for your own sanity and peace of mind. If you can do this, do it today! I wish you the best sister and thank you so much for sharing…

Zari xo

Hi Zari,

thank you for your post and thanks to everyone who share their stories. We all have a common traumatic experience and it is very encouraging to see that we are not alone in this.

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for over a year and it has now been 6 months since I ended the relationship. I blocked him on all social media and did not read or react to any of his messages for around 4 months. The first months were hell. Despite all the terrible abuse he subjected me to I missed him terribly and I was extremely depressed. As we work together on several projects I was obliged to meet him twice over the last 2 months and it was always very difficult.
He is of course again extremely charming and if I did not read all the horrible things he had written to me, if i did not make an effort to remember all the horrible things he had done to me, if I did not remember that I had acted against all my fundamental values because of him, I would really think that I am the person to blame for the failure of the relationship!

The last time we met he even sent me a text message declaring his love to me and acted in front of others as the most affable of men. Despite all I know about him I really had to hold back with all my strength and will-power to prevent myself from writing back and believing him. I was already doing well and in less then two days of personal contact he almost lured me in again. I felt like watching someone else and could not believe that I was actually re-considering my opinion on him. As other people write on this site, the narcissists have incredible charisma and their capacity to deceive us probably has no bounds. They have the same effects like hard drugs and it is very very hard to get them out of our lives.
They are accomplished liars and comedians, they have no morals and I really do believe that Zari is right in writing that the narcissist comes back only to make sure that we never move on and that we do not recover from the pain he caused.
Everyone who has not been contacted by her ex-narcissist should consider herself very lucky. It is almost impossible to resist them when they come back because deep down we all hope that the illusions and lies were true, that the romance and the love were true. We desperately want to believe that somehow, we were special for them. And it kills us that it was not true. And they fucking know that. They are perfectly aware of their charisma and charm and they know all our weaknesses and they will never hesitate to use all this to hurt us again.

In less than a month I am obliged to see him again for 3 days because of a project we both take part in. The only thing I know is that I will never be totally safe from his charm and that he will always come with something I do not expect. I am afraid of this meeting and I am considering pulling myself out from all projects that would involve him in the future. But it means considerable harm to my professional career. Nevertheless, it is probably the only way to protect myself and it is the price to pay. Otherwise, I would always nourish a hope that he would change and still be waiting for some miracle to happen.

Thanks again for this space for sharing and I wish happiness, strength and success to all people who go through the same difficult process of freeing themselves from a dangerous and toxic person.

Best

Hannah

Hi Bel,

What you suffer from is what I call “emotional residue” and I have an article on this website about that very thing. I hope in the time it has taken me to respond, you have pushed through it and come out the other side. I know it’s not easy but as you can see by the stories told from all who visit here that you are not alone. There is nothing normal about the relationship with a narc so there is nothing normal about the break-up. You WILL come through this, sister, I promise. Please send me a new post with an update and I’ll be sure to look for it. You deserve to be happy…

Zari xo

Hi Angie,

I am playing catch up right now and I apologize for the delay in responding. Look, this guy obviously has a history of driving women to the brink…what does it matter if he reaches out after? Consider yourself the lucky one. And you don’t REALLY know what happened in his past relationships…only what that one girl told you. Do you think she told you the absolute truth about everything…no, of course she didn’t. Is this really someone you want to go back and forth with, wasting your life away. Now, I don’t know your whole story so it seems that much was left out. I’d like to hear more and I can offer you more of a sound opinion. Except for the ending, I do not know how it all played out. I do know that he doesn’t sound like a life partner and that it’s time for you to move along so you can be happy. You’ve made it this long…it takes a while to shake the dirt out of our heads when we’re involved with these people.

Please write again, girl, and let me know how you are doing….

Zari xo

Hi Babs,

Keep in your mind that a narcissist doesn’t much care if they are with us physically as long as they are in our heads. Thus, the weird encounters where he says nothing. It’s all about giving you something to think about and guess what? It worked! Alas (sigh), it always does….Do not have second thoughts. In any relationship, this is NOT acceptable nor is it normal behavior.

I’m 28 and he was my first serious relationship. We were together over three years, a short stint for him, and he carried on like nothing had happened. An interesting thing that my therapist (and mother, who was also once married to my N father) pointed out about the discard, was that he said one thing (‘I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore’) but then behaved in another by following me around frantically as I packed my bags, or staring at me creepily from his car as I continued to remove myself from his life. He continued to text me that whole weekend about when I’d be gone and how much moving would cost me (the sweetie offered me money to help get me out). I didn’t beg or grovel to stay like I had three times in the past. He sounds like a real winner, huh? And yet here I am, almost a full calendar year waiting to be hoovered. I know it won’t ever be like it was with him. But for some reason I’m relying on that text or email or call to validate what I’ve been feeling and I guess prove what he really is.

I made the mistake of talking to one of his exes, probably the most significant one in his life until me. She let me know that she, and the others, had all left him (after he pushed them to the point of no other option) and he ended up reaching out/hoovering each and every one of them AND getting back together (or tried to). So NOW, I feel like this worthless clod of a woman who really actually meant zip and didn’t impact him or make his life mean anything in anyway, thus I’m lesser than these exes. I will say though, that each one of them left an opening for him. They all kept some kind of line open for him to reach out, whether it be posting to various forms of social media or commenting on his pictures or sending messages, you get the point. I haven’t done any of that. To me, that would be giving him the attention he so craves. Why would I ever give that to someone who so casually dropped the ‘love of his life’ out of an airplane and then wished her ‘a safe trip’ back across the country?

So, after this very long post which I’m sure didn’t just confuse the hell out of me, my question/s is/are: will he reach out even though all this time has passed? Am I stupid for wanting him to reach out and stupid for feeling lesser if I don’t get that contact that all those other girls got? Why am I still so hung up on it? I was doing so well for awhile, but as I get closer to the one year anniversary of being thrown away like a used diaper I’m back to that first month where I don’t eat and can’t sleep without dreaming of him. Thanks so much to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to my novel.

-Angie

I am so thankful I have reached this article. For the longest time I feared there was something wrong with me until I read about NPD. For almost a year I was involved with a man who definitely had NPD. In the beginning things were great but he quickly dismissed me after a few weeks. I tried harder to win him over and we had a strictly sexual relationship for months. He was possessive of me, jealous of the men near me(we sadly work together), egocentric, all characteristics of a narcissist. He blocked me on all social media and messaging systems and would only unblock me to get what he wanted. I was in denial throughout the time I was with him. I hoped he would change but at the time I didn’t know about NPD. 7 weeks ago he pushed me too far and I realized I was his backup supply. The whole time he was entertaining and sleeping with other women and lying to me. I have since been doing the silent treatment and no contact, to as much as I can in a work environment. However I noticed he unblocked me on a messaging app from the start of my no contact and silent treatment. He used to have me blocked while I was his supply. I wonder why he left that line of communication? Lately I’ve noticed he also hovers around me and coincidentally tries to run into me at work or check in. He doesn’t speak to me. Why would he do this? Is he trying to come back? Does he want me back? I’m starting to have second thoughts about leaving him. Please help.

-Babs

Hi Johnny

I apologize for the delay in responding, my friend. I am sure much has happened since you’ve written. In my opinion, you do not have to be polite about anything and that usually doesn’t work with a narc anyway. Please write again and I will look for it. Did you respond to the hoover?

I just sent you a copy of my book about the female narcissist to your email in hopes that it will help you get a full understanding of what you have been dealing with. Enjoy and stay strong!

Zari xo

Thank you so much, Anne! Enjoy! I’d love it if you left a review on Amazon:) Would be so appreciated…..xo

Your book is awesome! Best thing I ever purchased! Thank you

Hi Anne,

He contacted you to see if you’d respond which you did. It was a twisted hoover and you took the bait. When narcs reach out in a hoover, they just want, initially, to see if we’re in the queue. This is why blocking their number and all the ways for them to contact you whenever they feel like it is the only way…

Zari:)

A little boredom and sanity will be well worth it in the long run. Thank you so much for sharing and don’t ever give up!

Ive been reading so much on your site. It had helped me in so many ways. Ive been in a narcissistic relationship for 3 years. He up and left me with no closure, just disappeared. He finally emailed me after 20 days of disappearing. His email was full of exaggeration to make me seem crazy. It read: ” Ask yourself the question,”why?” Or should I just copy and paste all your ranting for 3+ days and late night bitch sessions about a key?

I would have called if you would have remained somewhat bearable to talk to, however, you were acting like a lunatic and by no means am I obligated to call you after all that.

So, thanks for everything and I hope things work out for you, Jake, and your mom and best of luck with all your endeavors. ” so, like a idiot i wrote back ” what went so wrong after vacation? What were you going to tell me when you called?” And his response was “Well considering Virginia just left 2 days ago and only hung out for less than a day it would have been just a hello. Anyways, I’ll write when I get to it. Until then just stop. ” i didnt respond. Virginia is an ex he still talked to and she was coming into town to visit- is what he told me. My question is…. why would he contact me in this manner if he has already discarded me? Thank you

Hi MissK,

Wow…girl, if you read any of my books, you will see that we were both in relationships with the same guy. Mine, too, started with the silent treatments after about a year with each one being a little longer than the last and all of them starting for no good or apparent reason. I remember being surprised just like you when one day, after a few weeks of devastating silence, he simply opened the door as if nothing had happened. I did 13 years of that. In my opinion, once a person is prone to subjecting people to silent treatments, this never goes away. They will do it until the end of time. All I can say to you is to be strong and keep moving. I have an ominous feeling that one day, your ex will just push that reset button and reappear, hoping to pick up where he left off with no repercussions. This is what these people do. They vanish without a trace and with no explanation so that doors are left ajar. Leaving “partners” in limbo land ensures a narcissist that they will always have old supply to fall back on or at least reach out to when they need to.

I can tell that you have a clear vision of who this person is and how futile any future would be with this person. When I read your post, even though it was very sad, I felt good about that. Most people struggle with this insight or at least it takes a long to get to that point after what we think might be the final discard (which technically is never final). No, you could NEVER have “fixed” him…there was absolutely nothing you could have done. Ever. Don’t worry about getting him help because he wouldn’t appreciate it nor would he agree with you that he even needed it. He will breeze through life just fine, sister, even while hindering your own progress. Make this a clean break and do not fall for any relationship reset events.

Again, read my first two books if you can. You will be stunned at the similarities. I allowed it to go on for thirteen years because it was too much for me to wrap my head around (his behaviors). Much of it is so passive-aggressive that it catches us off guard. The truth, however, is that it is mean and disrespectful. Narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit – and that is about as unfixable a mindset as it gets. You are doing the right thing and blocking his number so that he can’t some lame attempt to reel you back in at some future date would be even better.

Stay strong and thank you for sharing…

Zari xo