Hi Lynn! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Damn! It sure is a lot of work, isn’t it??? I’m grateful you are FREE!!…xo

Married for 17 years, he broke my heart before we tied the knot, but I was pregnant but for all the reasons listed above I wanted my marriage to work. I tried to have a normal relationship and asked for intimacy but got anger and stonewalled only. Years went by and although I was in pain I made the decision early on to not rely on him emotionally. This affected his supply. After some time of being neglected, emotionally abused and physically threatened I began to use his tactics on him: ignoring, evasion, withholding but of course, one who is not a narc cannot compete. I would tell him what I was doing, and why, and how he could change it by changing his own behaviour toward me. He never did. His OCD increased. We both drank too much.
Then I went out with a friend who wanted to leave her husband. She told me of her troubles and I thought, “shit, if only that was all that was wrong with my marriage!” I knew that I couldn’t live with my husband forever or I would go crazy but I did for so long because of the kids. I had mentioned separation in the past to him but nothing came of it and he told me I should leave, or said things to make separation more difficult. After seeing my friend and realizing how bad my situation was I said to my husband “I hope we never separate” knowing that he always does the opposite of what I want. Within a couple of weeks he mentioned divorce for the first time when he was upset with me.
We had no sex for the last 10 years of our marriage (at least). I never enjoyed sex with him because I felt like an object. There was no intimacy, no humour, no connection. I told him one day I didn’t want to have sex and I think that he started punishing me by ignoring me and withholding any communication. That went on for years and I was going to talk to him about it but decided not to because I knew it would be fruitless. Also I wasn’t interested in having sex without intimacy so why should I start the conversation?
Anyway, I knew he would find it elsewhere eventually. He became interested in a young psychologist at work, started going to the gym for hours, changing his diet, getting fit. I knew the stronger he became the weaker I would get. He completely ignored me, like I didn’t exist. He would say “good morning” (nothing else), to deny/justify what he was doing. After a while I googled silent treatment and found an article that described my life perfectly. I sent the article to him with the words “This is what you do. Stop doing it, or leave”. For the first time ever he left work and came home to “talk” I was in such a state at the time I refused to talk (something that I did regret in the beginning, but now I think it was for the best. He would have just tried to gaslight me anyway. Because he had a new source set up he agreed to leave the house. Evidently changing his behaviour was never on the agenda.
I did not know at the time about his new supply and he started being “normal” after he moved out. He would come over a lot to see the kids, have dinner and do his laundry. It was like nothing had really changed and he was being nice so I thought “wow, this is how it could have been.” I started to have feelings for him again. A year later I found out he was seeing someone but hadn’t bothered to tell me. When I asked him and he couldn’t avoid the question any more he said “why do you need to know?” Says it all really. Since then I have pursued a formal searation agreement, and have no contact other than email. There is more, of course, more to this story but these are the bare bones.
To get your narc to leave first you must emotionally disconnect from them. Cut off their supply of adoration/attention/sex. And last, make them think you don’t want them to leave. Difficult, but it may just work.

I moved into my own home two years ago as a means of relieving the intensity of his moods.
Thought I was still the spirited independent me I’ve always been. However I am physically no longer that person.

I know at 42, 52, etc., he and I would be history. Being together 17 years (married) and me dependent (even on his cooking), I know that no matter his mood state, when I am unwell he shows up immediatelly, and yes, I am well aware that feeds his needy ego.

Most of my ‘friends’ are deceased; forcing me to wonder if I can keep myself ‘comfortable’, yet ignore the ‘narc pieces’ that show themselves every 3 weeks or so…

Never before needy!

Hi Suzanne,

I apologize for how long it has taken me to respond. Yes, 13 years is a long time to be holding on but that’s exactly how long I held in there too…13 years. And I held in there for the sex as well which was great all the way up until the last day. Still, to this day and even after I wrote books about our relationship, he still sends me FB friend requests. So yes it’s hard but here’s the deal: the relationship is just not sustainable. It comes down to that. He threatens you. He’s a piece of shit and has no intention of ever being yours – ever. You have no other choice. It can’t work girl! Sure, the age thing may have a lot to do with it and I was 51 when I got out too (hmmmm…are you ME? lol) but you’ll never have a chance of EVER finding anyone else if you stay – and we know how fast the years fly by. Do not wait…you only have one life and he will waste it away if you allow it. He just doesn’t care.

You are in a predicament. Please book some talk time with me so we can work it out. I have helped many many people get out of it. It’s all about changing your perspective. Although it’s no easy fix, having a cheerleader on your side (me) is a big boost up and out of the darkness. You CAN do this…

Zari xo

Hi Rob, yup…we become addicted to the very drama that we hate. It’s a normal feeling when you’re with a narc.. Now, however, you have to be confident in the truth that you ALREADY know….that being what she is and what she did. AND that you ended it. Good for you…stay free, brother. You saved your own life…..it’s just a matter of your heart catching up with your head and it sounds like it almost there. Re-training your brain back to normal doesn’t happen overnight. Best of luck to you, brother:)

Zari:)

Thank you, sister! I am proud of everything you have done throughout our time together. It’s all you, girl….you did it all:)

Love & Hugs,

Zari xoxo

Hi Zari,
I wanted to thank you for your ongoing support since 2015. All of our phone sessions have helped me be narc free without guilt or shame. I know once you attract a narc especially if you are an empath they all come out the woodwork. I appreciate you taking time out of your damn near booked schedule to listen to new prospects I was dating and decide if worth pursuing. Your right our suffering changes nothing! You are my hero and an expert in this field. I thank you for count less phone sessions while juggling so many others caught in similar if not worse situations. You made lemonade out a bad situation and ladies and gentlemen we can as well. I had to stop in 2018 to say happy New Year and thank you again for not only narc therapy but being a business professional friend.

This so totally right! Its the reason i keep thinking about my ex (female), even though i ended the relationship because of her being a malignant narcissist. Somehow i regret not being able to play the game anymore…indeed predicting her moves and seeing how she manipulated me (in surprisingly cheap ways btw) getting it all her way. In a way i was fascinated with it. So predictable…so surprisingly selfish…so strange. But more evil then i expected, more cruel, more selfish then a normal person can even imagine.

Playing the game with her, yes it fascinated me and got me addicted,……but not a wise thing to do; in the end she used my addiction against me without even knowing it . And its just to hard to be close to someone you consider your partner…. and not wanting to see good things and love. So you always trick yourself to love again. Even when you know the game, you always lose, simply because creating an addiction never was the plan in the first place. But that’s all you do in a relationship with a narcissist; creating an addiction.

Why so hard to get out: addicted
Why so hard to recover and let go: addicted

Did anyone plan to create an addiction; no

That is why your mind is so screwed up when its ended. Sad.

Thanks for your blog and info!

Hi Diana,

I would be happy to speak with you, girl…I speak with people all the time from the UK using the Viber app. Go to this link and book some time and I will work out the time difference and send you some times to choose from. No worries….lets figure it out:)

Zari xo

Hi Judy,

Please, please forgive me for being so late in responding. Your story is so sad and so awful and he is a horrible man but you ARE SO YOUNG, SISTER!!! Do you live in America? For some reason, I feel that this awful woman who was to be your mother-in-law does not live here, am I right? OF COURSE it was the eight page email that caused this mama’s boy to change his mind and this makes him an absolute COWARD. Is it at all possible to go back to the state that you came from to stay with one of your friends?? Can you call your old job?? How about your ex? I truly feel that THIS GUY was the gold digger who saw a wonderful girl with a little bit of money he could steal for a car. What a creep!!! Is your name on anything because yes he does absolutely owe you that money but I doubt you will ever get it. Your mental health is more important at this point…God! What a complete narcissistic jerk!

Judy, you DO know how to start a new life all by yourself…you just do it like you did before. You are only 37!! That is so young you have no idea. Save your money…in fact, HOARD it and give him NOTHING. In the meantime, call the people from your old life and make a plan. You made a mistake…so what…so many of us have done it. You must have a friend FROM YOUR OLD LIFE that you can trust…

Please feel free to write me using this page…I really care and want to know how you are doing, my sad sister…..Stay strong and know that you can have a wonderful long life with a bright future…you really can!!!

Zari xo

Hi Janice,

At some point, what does it matter if there is a label to define him? Awful is awful. Stay away from him. If you hadn’t of been spotted (translation: if you hadn’t busted him red handed), he’d still be hanging out with his live-in girlfriend. Who cares what he learns in therapy? In my opinion, therapy is to make him actually look as if he gives a shit. Why should you put your life on hold while he supposedly figures out why he is such a pathological lying cheater. What a crock of shit on his part. OMG. Nothing redeemable about anyone who does that, narcissist or not.

Zari xo

So Mr New Guy I thought was admiral in this, and his reasons for not being with her was that they continually argued, she felt that she had a full time job and therefore was not looking after Son and Partner so they all fended for themselves, I was also told that she was not welcome in his family there had been some really bad blood years prior to the birth of their Son, this was collabrated by his Brother and Wife, his Dad and other friends of whom I met and spend time with on a fairly regular basis, and no-one seemed to think that we were not a couple, and other members of his family told me that he was single, that he left her, that things were not good at their home, and that he had moved out and was living on his own, which I was aware of, during our first year he met with my children and all was really good, after two years he moved in with me and one year later moved out, we did break up through our own means, then some 5 months later he calls, and hey heart does somersaults and we are back in a relationship – taking it slowly. I move, hoping he is moving with me too but a couple of excuses, work related, so I let these go, and now look back it was year upon year upon year. Then in May this year, for whatever reason, I just dont know I decided to drive past where he lived, not there, and so where ‘she lived’ and hey guess what he is there. So before I get the urge to storm in, I am spotted and he comes out, telling me we need to talk, having a total meltdown we return to my house separately and here he drops the bombshell I moved back with her some 2 ish years ago!!! OMG life has now hit rock bottom.

Talking for days on this, because, me couldnt say this is the end, it was more of why, and why did I not see this! So the upshot became he is in Therapy, trying to find out why he led two separate lives, and me – a total wreck, still giving him a chance – is this wrong is he a narcissist, and why did I not know, see signs etc, we are, at present, split as he agrees we are making each other ill, and he has texted and said just give him time he will make this right, and will be there for me! When!.

Hi Bojana,

Getting even with a narc rarely works because their revenge on your revenge will always be worse. It sounds to me that your best revenge is to pretty much appear to vanish off the face of the earth. Block him and absolutely REFUSE to speak or communicate in any way. It’s the only way. Do not give him the opportunity to hurt you ever again. You can do this!

If you want some one on one support and validation, book some time and talk with me. Sounds like you need some advice on how to deal with this…his shenanigans and his bullshit hoovering behavior. He is so not worth it…you deserve to be free:)

Zari xo

Hi Elle,

So sorry that it took me so long to moderate your post:) The cartoon must have been excellent in order to get him so mad!! LOL Bet you caused a little narcissistic injury with THAT one – good for you:) If you can, Elle, read my book When Love Is a Lie. You will relate to all of it as it is my story and how I finally found my way out. Our lives become all but interchangeable when we love these types of people. Come here any time and write as much as you like. Recovery is a team effort!

Zari xo

Hi Joy,

We sure do know what you mean, sister…and it is not unusual to still feel bad after all this time. Hopefully reading up on what you went through and knowing that you are not alone will help with the sadness and with moving forward. Thank you for reading my book and I’m grateful that it helped. Please leave a review on Amazon if you can..it really helps get the word out to others seeking support:) Hang in there and stay happy. Write here anytime….

Zari xo

Hi everyone! I am happy to discover your website and read all the stories here. Although English is not my mother tongue I can get by and hope you can also understand my English.
To start with I will say that just yesterday I read Zari’s book “When love is a lie”. I read it in one day… without putting it down. Great job, Zari! Thank you. Of course, there was a reason for me to read it. Just guess which one? Lol You are right… I was in a relationship with a narc for 3 years. And that relation wore me totally out. One and the half year ago I dumped him but I am still hurting. Like hell! Believe it or not only a week ago I found out that he was a narcissist. I suspected it before but had some doubts. How naive I was. Since I learnt who he was (and definitely still is) I started to feel a bit better. Finally I understood why our relationship did not work and stopped blaming myself for being guilty that I couldn’t manage everything better. I decided to join this forum to share my experience and tell you about the things that happened to me. Some of those “things” still make me sometimes cry, some of them laugh. So ridiculous it was. Thank God, now I know it was not Real. Everything was Fake. Maybe I can find a confort in this… if you know what I mean.

I would like to Thank every one of you for sharing-Thank you so much for all of your courageous stories on this website.
i hope we all recover!
At least we know the truth now! Someone told me about trauma bonding which led me to this website some months back! Thanks in large part to Zari and this eye-opening website, I am trying to recover from a 10 year relationship with an “N”!
I am now broken up with him! The hardest part now is all the money he owes me that I will probably never see!
I told him to leave this time. He is usually the one to discard me and Hoover back in!
I am attempting to stay no contact.
I was in the dark for 10 years-I believed all his charming lies! Then a girl that he propositioned for sex told me he tried to have sex with her!
He denied it and verbally abused me for it at first!
Then he texted me saying it was true after I broke up with him!
I was always aware something was wrong but he lied and charmed me so good. I know NOW how to trust my instincts-this is something he did very well-He would make me question myself why I was suspicious!
He used to say that I was making up assumptions when I questioned him on his absences!
He used the word assumption so many times while dehumanizing me. Now I know that my assumptions were not assumptions at all and my instincts can be trusted.
I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t find this website!
I would still be alone in the dark!
My sense of humour gets me through some of it too. I made a cartoon out of him in the end! I told him years ago that if he didn’t stop mocking me and cursing me that I would make a cartoon of him one day!
A Magpie is a scavenger bird that is very beautiful to look at. Just like him! I made a cartoon and drew him half human/half Magpie!
He hated the cartoon and went on a rant about it for months!
Seriously though, Just Knowing there are other women who go through this exact thing out there takes some of the sting out of this nightmare for me!
Zari shared about the N making you puke!
Mine made me puke too!
We really don’t deserve that ladies!
That is just a terrible thing to do to another human being, but they do!
Heartlessly!
I hope you all find recovery!
The men out there too!
Thanks again:
Hope you all find the healing you deserve!