Comments on: Narcissist Abuse & the Deafening Sound of Silence

By: Danielle

Danielle — Fri, 10 May 2019 14:25:58 +0000

Your articles have been such an eye opener! I never realized that the person I was with is a narcissist and the more I read, I felt like you were talking about him – all the characteristics is totally him. We have been dating for 6 months. 2 weeks ago he just suddenly told me he needed “alone time” and after that, deafening silence. No text, phone calls, avoiding me like the plague. Mind you, the day before he abandoned me, we had great sex and we seem to be getting closer together because we had a long conversation about so many things. He is a very private person and it took a while for him to open up to me and share so I felt good that we were getting to a place where “we” are getting more serious. So imagine my surprise and confusion once he dropped me like an unwanted thing the next day. He told me he had too many things going on in his head, that it had nothing to do with me and all he needed was alone time (you get the drill). So, because I cared for him very much, I left him alone and told him that I am here if he needs me. I was expecting him to at least have some sort of limited communication – an occasional hi or some sort of like “dont worry, i will be ok, just bear with me” – however, there was nothing at all. The worst part is that we work at the same office. He totally avoids me – and when I see him in the hallway, he doesn’t even look at me – like I’ve been erased from existence. I felt very hurt and was a mess the 1st week, I couldn’t concentrate at work and was crying in my office and at home almost every day. I asked for advice from friends (both men and women) and all of them told me he is probably cheating on me and interested in another woman, that he is an asshole and a coward.

Now that I’ve had time to think, it dawned on me that he has done this to me before. The 1st time was Valentine’s Day. He disappeared on me suddenly and said he is going through something and needed space. I was hurt and confused because I was looking forward to spending it with him but after a few days, I told him we needed to talk because I wasn’t sure if he still wanted to go on or not. We were early in our relationship so I was still trying to figure him out at this point. I asked him if he is still interested and he said yes so we both decided to try to be better. I specifically remember having an agreement with him that if either one of us wants to break it off, that we should be honest with each other and just tell each other face to face and not play games. After that, everything was great. Now, his birthday comes along 2 weeks ago, and BAM! he does it to me again. Another special day that I was looking forward to spending with him. After the 1st week of trying to hang on, I decided to reciprocate with NO CONTACT. Why should I chase him, right? This is before I came across your website. I was trying to find some answers as to why people like him do this and when I found your articles, it’s like I found the holy grail. I felt like you were telling me that I am doing the right thing with the “no contact rule” and now, more than ever, I feel more empowered to stick to my guns. No one should ever treat me this way. I am not having it.

I’ve decided that I want nothing to do with him and if he re-establishes contact and decides to talk to me again, I will ignore him. I don’t even want to know why he did this – any explanation from him at this point is unacceptable and unnecessary. I have erased him from my phone and erased all of his pictures. He has been working out and building muscles so I am pretty sure that it has gone to his head and fed his ego a lot – thinking he is so hot now that he is probably getting some attention. I am also pretty sure he has been on multiple dating sites and apps recently because a friend of mine found him.

His narcissistic ways are definitely the reason why his marriage failed and that all relationships thereafter didn’t last very long. I think his threshold is 6 months – given his history. I can see clearly now for what he really is – a piece of garbage. I am fortunate to be smart enough to draw the line and say enough is enough. What resonated with me the most are your words “The silent treatment is a break up in disguise”. Whenever I falter and start thinking about us and what happened, I repeat this phrase to put myself back on track.

Thank you for all your enlightening articles. It has helped me greatly….

By: Maria

Maria — Sun, 06 Jan 2019 16:37:46 +0000

Hi
I too am a victim of a narcissist. Almost 5 years I was played I am sure. My own fault getting involved with someone when I am married but at a very low point in my life self esteem wise. He found me on Facebook. It has been tumultuous to say the least. I had tried to go no contact but yes once he disappeared and then re contacted by email and Hangouts Google with a poem after 12 months of no contact. I had blocked him on FBook, phone and messages but email I had not.
So it started again. 10 months later having an affair again via texts, phone calls and even meeting up, one last message on Whassap from him and then silence. Nothing. From messages everyday to nothing. It’s been 11 days now since we last spoke and 7 days since last message. I blocked his phone number in my phone, blocked on Whassap, blocked on FB (both accounts as he has one in his real name and one as a pretend account).
In the beginning he expressed our similarities and ‘twin flames’ soul mates etc and blamed my husband for my self esteem and marital problems…! He really came over as genuine, opened up to me shared intimate personsl information about his life, he did refer back to his ex a lot though come to think of it, more fool me, my poor husband. He did not deserve to be put second best because of this arsehole. My husband has forgiven me, but I am paranoid now that this man may try to contact my husband for revenge if he cant hoover me back. Never again! I havent heard from him thank god even though I did send him an email expressing my confusion that he just stopped communication and said to ‘take care’. That’s just my empathetic nature… still cared about him enough to send him an email probably because I want closure.How to block him from my email that is the hardest thing. I dont want him hoovering me back in.
Advice?

By: Vee

Vee — Thu, 06 Dec 2018 22:50:33 +0000

I was discarded 5 weeks ago and blocked on everything, due to a narcissist injury that he blames me his family knows about his abuse. Is he gone for good?
I know he’s online FB, IG and dating sites flirting with women and telling them he’s done with me.

By: Indra

Indra — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 03:54:01 +0000

Thank you for your book and your articles. It is so true, that I still can not believe I was into it all with all myself. Silent treatment is really painfull and energy draining, it really makes your mind twist around. However, I am just three month past the real nc – even though we have to communicate about selling the house, I know what I know now and will never be backin that misery. My question is:

How to recover to the extent that makes it possible to built a new normal relationship?

By: Daisy

Daisy — Sat, 06 Jan 2018 09:09:48 +0000

Am sorry to say I am getting a silent treatment from narcissist partner, of 10 yrs, who is in hospital. Had not really seen him over christmas as my daughter who is 19 and traumatically left home at 18 was home with me for christmas. He has had a heart condition diagnosed since 2016 and recently collapsed at my house, it was very frightening. He was giving me the hurry up after xmas as I had to drive my daughter to an airport 2hrs away and when I came back was caught in all the slow holiday traffic and took
hours to return home. Then when I did not make it over to his house which is another 20km away from mine after 5hrs in the heat and traffic he turned up the next morning at 5am demanding sex and saying he was sick of waiting for me etc and got up to abruptly leave. I blew him up and said I was sick of seeing evidence of his cheating at his house etc & on his phone and I was very angry and just so tired. Then he said he’s not coming back and he’s going to hospital right now. Have found out only from two hospitals that he has been admitted transferred and then transferred back to the hospital in my hometown- no word at all from him for almost a week – this has been one of the worst silent treatments.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 00:55:14 +0000

In reply to Daria.

Hi Daria,

We’re never going to ever be able to wrap our head around how these people think because we can never feel that nothingness. What you are seeing is who he is. You can call me and I will tell you honestly whether he is or he isn’t but the fact that you have found your way to my website is a good indication. When the dots connect, you simply can’t ignore it. And hindsight is always 20/20. The fact that you figured it out is a very good thing.

Zari:)

By: Daria

Daria — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 05:33:09 +0000

Absolutely true, thank you for the article!

It is devastating when someone you thought was the love of your life treats you like that. I was in relationship with one for year and a half. The worst part is that I believed in him and he used the victim card to cover up. He could dissepear for weeks and then when I finally saw him he told me he was severely depressed and had suicidal thoughts. Then he moved to another state for a job that he told me he would save money for our future house and started ignoring me once again, the last time we talked he said he wants to break-up due to his depression. I was devastated and wanted to be there for him. He told me he would call back and then I haven’t heard a word from him. I thought he was in pain while he was enjoying the pain he caused me. Only when I finally read about narcs I connected the dots. Apparently he didn’t move for a job, I found out that all his achievements were a lie and there is no way he was offered the job he told me about right after college ( oh, he also wasn’t attended college as he told me) but because of the girl and depression was just a lie.

It is hard to put the feelings into words. I still experiencing a cognitive dissonance and in unbelief that the person I thought was my soulmate played me. How much do you have to be heartless to let someone who loves you so much think that you may kill yourself and then go completely silent? I even flew across the country thinking he is in pain and even then he didn’t care to say anything. How to get rid of the feeling of the need of closure and cognitive dissonance? I found out about npd months after I truly believed he was in depression and it caused his behavior and months of being in pain that he may kill himself and him not saying a word. I feel like I have an inner fight of seeing that there was a pattern of narcissistic abusive relationship but thinking what if I am wrong and he is indeed a good person that I once knew he was? Is it common to feel this way? I would be happy if you could give me any advice!

Silence treatment is abuse and I just wish I knew about it way before.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 07:14:00 +0000

In reply to Celia.

Hi Celia,

I can’t really say it much better than that, sister. They will waste your life away if you allow it. They have no problem with that AT ALL. Sad but true. I hope you are out for good….

Zari:)

By: Celia

Celia — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 18:44:30 +0000

I hate that I understand all of your articles completely. It is true the narcissistic will let the cycle repeat indefinitely. Mine reappeared after 9 months one time to start the relationship over because he had forgiven me. (Forgiven me for his 9 month discarding and silence?) I fell into the trap and wasted another 3 years with him, desperately trying to escape the entire time. Literally, they will continue this forever…..the only way out is no contact on your end that you NEVER break. They will waste as many years of your life as you let them. They never change.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 05:59:37 +0000

In reply to Elizabeth Fleming.

Hi Elizabeth,

Not that every narcissist fits the EXACT pattern because they don’t. I’d have to know more but perhaps he isn’t a narcissist. Maybe he is just a jerk, know what I mean? If you want to let me know more so I can reply accordingly, please do…

Zari:)

By: Elizabeth Fleming

Elizabeth Fleming — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 10:36:17 +0000

Help I’m confused my husband is a bit of a condradiction, yes he does have a lot of the spectrum but he does not flirt and is to lazy to chase other women.. so where does that leave me with the silent treatment?
Elizabeth

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 09:36:50 +0000

In reply to K.T.

Hi K.T.,

Yes, he is hoovering you. You should have blocked his number 8 months ago…do it now so he can’t text you AT ALL. Ignore this bullshit. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. And that is the ONLY reason…

Zari xo

By: K.T

K.T — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 16:36:02 +0000

8 months of no contact I get a call from terminx that my phone number somehow was associated to his house ( lived with him for 4 years never once got it). Didn’t say anything to him. Then two weeks after that I get a text that was meant for his sister. So I waited a day and then said sorry wrong number. No response from him.. I don’t know if he is done with this or if this is just the beginning..

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 12 Jun 2017 01:47:25 +0000

In reply to Yolanda.

Awesome, Yolanda! It really is ALL ABOUT all about changing your perspective…that’s what I figured out many years in and wished I’d done it sooner. You’ve got it now so don’t lose the feeling. Be confident in the truth that you know and go forth:)

Zari xo

By: Yolanda

Yolanda — Sat, 03 Jun 2017 02:44:59 +0000

We were high school sweethearts, we broke up. Two decades passed, we reconnected in 2/14 via fb. On 2/27/17, I found out that he was cheating. I attempted to confront him via text & call…I got no response. He ghosted me aka silent treatment. I’m one of those people who WILL not continue to attempt to communicate with you IF you’re not responding to me. Its been 3 months, I still haven’t heard a word from him. I swear on my life that I’ve never tried again to contact him since 2/27. I bestowed the same courtesy as he bestowed upon me, I blocked him immediately from my social media accounts. I’ve blocked him in my cell phone AND WORK phone. I’m still going through the motions because its excruciatingly painful. But not as bad as before. Any “man” that gives a woman the silent treatment is a coward…a pussy! I already got one, so I don’t need another one!

This article has really helped to put things into perspective for me. You’re amazing Zari! Thank you for everything!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Thu, 04 May 2017 06:00:05 +0000

In reply to Helen Torrenson.

Of course he went silent. They always ramp it up, texting or calling everyday and then – NOTHING. Then, when you can’t stand it (the intention!) and YOU call HIM, he doesn’t answer. Typical narc manipulative behavior!

By: Helen Torrenson

Helen Torrenson — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 19:20:43 +0000

Truth!
After a year of bullshit I figured out he,was a narc. I ended it with him. He proceeded to call me daily. 2 days ago his bday. I phoned him. Now nothing for 2 days. Not a peep. I thought yesterday at the 24 hr mark. Good! This AM i laughed and thought this is now NC. Sorry you sad, sick, pathetic fuck stick. Goodbye!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 00:19:47 +0000

In reply to JoJo. Right on, JoJo! xoxo

By: JoJo

JoJo — Thu, 09 Feb 2017 13:06:24 +0000

One month today. No contact after I did make his silent treatment and disappearing act his last after 2.5 years of narc abuse. 12 January I asked him to remove his motorbike from my garage or I would have a tow truck delivered to it. It hurt like hell, and I still miss him from time to time. But radical blocking and my mind is finding peace; my health is improving and my friendships growing. The satisfaction of ME calling it is my revenge.

By: Me

Me — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 04:02:47 +0000

I am so glad I found this website.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 05 Dec 2015 21:42:21 +0000

In reply to Rose.

Hi Rose,

Because I am getting to your post so very late, I’d like you to update me so that I can respond appropriately. It sounds as if he is a textbook case and that you have suffered greatly at his expense. I would be happy to offer you my opinion so, if you still need me, write again and I will look for it. I’ve read your story all the way through but a lot could have happened in a month.

Stay strong, girl, and I will look for your name in coming posts.

Zari xo

By: Porselene

Porselene — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 21:45:45 +0000

In reply to Zari Ballard.

Tnx.

Definitely am fine.Nobody can detect i went thru this unless I tell you.I am lucky to have a firm hart. I can move on immediately after a breakup.Even my girlfriends have asked me in the past how I usually live happily and even attend social events inspire of relationship issues.

The bullshit there is that we see everyday at work unless any of us goes on leave,he stares shamelessly,i pretend not to see him around,the other day he stared at me even while I was going to the ladies.He is a jerk.

I guess the Muslim guy studied my kinda person and made sure he hid things cos he knows me too well not to settle for less.He knows i don’t give cheats 2ndchance.When we dated i respected my self so much, i never stalk him even till now,i was not clingy.He gave me his phone password then and I asked for mine so we can play with our fones but i told him i wanna respect his privacy.

He says am too stubborn and egoistic and does not tolerate any shit because in the past i have dumped him and he keeps bugging my line and tries to track me every corner around our office ,i still ignored him then he gives me like 1 or some wks to ponder,then com back begging that he can’t live without me.I accepted him back but this time I won’t take him back because he lied,cheated and stringed me in a relatnshp.

It’s unfortunate he messed up,he was the best i have dated and about never loved any man the way i felt about him.He respects me,cared and was nice 101%.He usually get jealous like any guy .we talk n chat 24/7,when we 2geda,all attention on me like am a 3d view TV.He said he has never connected with any chick like me.He may be ryt bcos
Our level of connection is strong,we talk about everything,our hopes,fears and future.We even talk and joke dirty a lot and even created some slangs only used by us when we crack jokes.Our sexlife was 10/10.We were not ashamed to talk about our sexual fantasies.

Sure the Muslim gurl is surely a pathetic chick with low esteem.She said he always ignore her everytime she is in his crib,all he does is to play with his fone and always complaining of being tired not knowing he is spending his energy on another chick .She said he is not making any serious move to marry her,she said She is tired

I wish I can get another job asap or he should get another job or be transferred to another dept cos I don’t want to see his shadows around me.

By: Healing

Healing — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 14:28:42 +0000

Ok – YOU are awesome!!! Love this. Thank you!!

By: Rose

Rose — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 13:30:35 +0000

I was in love with my N from highschool but he was a player had an older woman who provided all his needs,we spoke over the phone he told me he wants to be with me then I see him an his older woman kissing I was devastated,I got into a relationship with an older man that very same day it was arranged by my family,9years later we get in touch through facebook he tells me he has left her,changed left the town to get away from her,now I have 2kids still with my kids dad we have issues he’s there for we used to chat for hours,he was so good and understanding I really fell for this guy once again until his lies creep in as time went I knew deep down something was wrong I would ask him if there’s anyone else he would tell me no its all in my mind he doesn’t I’m his 1and only love we meant 2b together leave my kids daddy get a place so he came move in with me,once I told him not to chat to 1lady cause I felt like its going 2go all wrong he told me he won’t I did suspect he was he denied until I met her when I went on holiday she was my brothers friend she then told me they best friends I was very upset crying like crazy couldn’t believe how he lied I told him how I’m feeling he told me stop nagging its the holidays can’t u be happy u going on and on over nothing it was just a white lie I’m sorry ill never speak to her again,he then told me that she wanted him he blocked her but behind me he was talking to her I went and made myself a complete idiot by other girls cause I was so insecure and jealous even though I look much more beautiful compared to these woman it happened over and over he would give me the silent treatment when ever I said something he didn’t like I would be in pieces not studying literally being in bed most of the time this happened he would come back like nothing happened and or say let’s start again after actually deleting me like trash where ill beg him to take me back until everything started to knock on my door about this guy we would talk and he would say he was never ever was in love but he did tell me he loved me,it still carried on highs and lows this guy never worked he stayed with family a 32year old he would spoil him with clothes on his credit card asking me to pay his bill which I never did until few days ago I told him we can never be I want someone who will love me in the right ways,that puts God before everything else and right now I’m too focused on my career,my kids he started to tell me negative things saying u don’t have ur own car he started to laugh and say good luck with ur journey like in a manner meaning ill never make it and disappeared I’m really glad he’s gone I can think clearly feeling not obligated to beg oh at first when we started to chat he told me to steal a huge some of money and runaway with him but I’m not that kinda person my kids dad is really old we not married have issues cause I’m not in love with him but its not doubt he loves our kids I want to leave the relationship but the N came to fill my mind with going about it the wrong ways putting pressure on me so he can be comfortable at my expense his entire life he never kept down a job more than 6months doesn’t feel bad to use people with his sweet charm making himself good and I’m bad he always said he fears me I knew he didn’t and why must he I’m no monster I never met him or slpt with him only online we spent time I asked him what’s his dreams he said right now u are my only dream cause he couldn’t have me since I told him ill never have sex with him being with someone else its out of the question he pretended saying its not a problem he will work towards it not forcing me too

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 17 Oct 2015 09:45:59 +0000

In reply to Porselene.

Hi Porselene,

Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry it happened, I really am. However, at eight months, you’ve been given the opportunity to cut your losses early – as you surely know. It’s unfortunate that you have to work with this loser and I hope it’s not a situation where you have to see him all the time. If you do happen to cross paths, show no reaction whatsoever. Do not give him the satisfaction.

Is he shamefaced? No, probably not. Is he sorry? Just that he got caught. Did he really love you or did he just use you? Well, he obviously was attracted to you because that’s how it all started but love? No, because these assholes don’t feel love at all. The only they feel is the satisfaction of having an abundance of good narcissistic supply to which he can always be putting something over on. That’s all it is. This is why he has just shrugged his shoulders and moved on – most likely with the Muslim girl who, in all probability, will stay for cultural reasons (and for those same cultural reasons, he will continue to treat her like shit. Culturally, Muslim men don’t have the best reputation when it comes to how they treat women. Sure, at first they can be quite charming but the end of the story, from what I know, is always ugly.

The bottom line is that he’s likely a narcissist…a player…and everything in his entire life revolves around what he can get away with day to day. Stay strong, don’t give in, and you will get over this quickly and move on to a happy life. I wish you nothing but the best, sister!

Zari xo