Hi Debby,

Yes, there’s really no way to judge the other woman because he manipulates her just as he manipulated you. Everyone has to learn on their own. The good news is that YOU’RE FREE. Don’t think about whether or not he’ll return at some point. You have to continue your life as if he’s not ever coming back. The more time that passes the better. Block him from being able to call and don’t answer the door – that’s really all we can do. Hopefully, this new girl will keep him busy enough that he won’t have time to be bothering you. Enjoy the silence and the peace and stay strong…

Zari xo

That was August. He’s been “hoovering” since November, and he finally got a response from me in March. I regret being so cordial and letting him know, politely, that my life has been simply wonderful since then and I’d like to keep it that way. Which is the truth. I ended up contacting the other girl, and apparently he’s been doing the same with her too! Around the same time and saying the same things to her too.

The problem though now is that I know he’s a sociopath, but sometimes my mind doubts it, and I wonder if he really is, or just someone whose dumb and had two girlfriends at one time, and thought he could get away with it. We were 21 when we met, and now we’re both 25. But then, I think about all the little things — the manipulation, lies, and how he acted when I found out — and really there was no remorse on his part on what he was doing. I find myself still angry at the situation, and how he could do this, and really WHY? I seldom find myself missing him, it’s more of the companionship (and physical aspects) that I miss – not him as a person.

I’ve been moving on and I know I’m doing much better than I was 7 months ago – but it’s really hard. I am also so scared to meet/trust new people. I wonder what my chances are to meet someone like him again. I’ve been training my mind to think of other things, or think of things differently when I begin indulging in thoughts about him. But, the anger has not subsided.

I also catch myself wondering when he’ll contact me again. I don’t think he will – but he might. Ultimately, I’m sooooo much happier when I don’t hear from him. Once I do, it ruins my mojo.

So true. But I made a mistake in trying to get others to run too by exposing a truth which of course she denied. I tries sending an email to another innocent victim because if I were her I’d want a heads up on this sociopaths background. But who got and intercepted that e mail from getting to the new victim ? That’s right you guessed it. They seem to be able to sense every next move that’s coming because they are like witches. So yeah in retrospect the best plan is just walk away and start running as soon as you get out the door.

Hi Carrie,

Thank you for writing and how right you are! Move along, girl, as far as you can away from the quicksand. The farther you run, the more distant the memory.

Zari xo

Hi Jeana,

Thank you for writing and it hurts me to ready just the little you wrote. You are allowing this guy to control your every move when all you have to do is change your number or not answer the phone. You didn’t say when exactly he was getting out but I’d keep an eye on that and then get a restraining order right before his end date to be served to him he’s walking out of the prison. Or move. Everything that’s happening is because you are allowing it. What are you so sad about? When narcissists go to jail for any length of time, that is GOOD NEWS. It’s a sign to get your shit together and – hell- the Universe even removed him from the situation! You say he RIPPED your entire life and family apart…again, what are you so sad about? HE’S IN PRISON! Go out, get a job, enjoy your life…fuck him and his pathetic controlling phone calls from fucking jail. Perhaps you’re mistaking his control for love? Sorry, it’s not even close. Narcissists and sociopaths don’t have a clue what “love” is so to say he “loved” you is delusional. He controlled you and he’s still controlling you and you allowed it. Stop visiting. Stop answering the phone. Live your life.

I don’t know what else to say to you…only YOU can fix this and you better do it now while you have the chance. Build your confidence up so that you can deal with this idiotic felon BEFORE he even gets out – restraining orders or moving or SOMETHING. Go be with your family…open up to them. You deserve to be happy and he’s never gonna do it for you. His “bad” is as good as it’s going to get – ever. If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will empower you to make the right choices. Give yourself a chance.

Stay strong and always know that I’m here to support you…

Zari xo

Hi Felicia,

Girl, he sounds so much like my ex. I was with mine for 13-years and every so often he would throw out that me and my son were his “family”. Oh yeah, right, is that how you treat “family”??? Makes me sick. Send an update so I can know how your getting along.

Stay strong, sister! I’m here to support you:)

Zari xo

The hardest thing for me has been letting go. Even though my logical mind knows this guy is an extreme narcissist and BPD I can’t quite cut the cord completely. I’m getting closer every time I don’t do what he wants and his true colors come through. I almost considered meeting with him again until We spoke on the phone for the first time in a couple months and as always he barely has time to talk and has to hang up to take calls then call me back just end the conversation anyway. If he’s not talking sex in bed with his euphoric voice and his hand on his dick he just has nothing to say in a normal conversation except that he just went to work or left work or is at work and is pulled off in a parking lot to talk. He got furious when I texted him after we hung up that I do not want to meet with him again. Told him he barely has time for me anyway. He called back immediately and started spewing his venom about how there is something wrong with me and my brain and how he is the one who always contacts me and can’t understand why I reacted like that after our “nice” conversation. When said he loves my son and doesn’t want to lose him too it finally registered. He doesn’t love me and he probably never did. It’s all words. How could he love my son, he only met him once when this started 4 years ago. I know he’s a liar, a cheat and one of the most evil individual’s that I have ever encountered. But I feel like he got his wish with me because it’s like an addiction I can’t shake. That’s what he wanted and I realize I’m dealing with something bigger than me. I don’t know how to get out. I really don’t. ????

Hi Felicia,

Thanks you for sharing your story, girl, and you are so much better off without this bastard. Don’t think for a minute that he actually wanted you to leave your family but even if he did (and you did it), imagine the nightmare of a life you’d be having right now. A narcissist only wants what he wants and that’s your suffering. If your not suffering, it’s just no damn fun. For this reason alone, it all must end. THE INSANITY MUST STOP AND ONLY WE CAN STOP IT. As you know, he will hoover here and there until the end of time just to keep you in the queue. It’s a waste of life, time, and anything else in our life that we care about. A narcissist will take it all without an ounce of remorse…and then blame YOU for the fact that he did it.

Keep reading and staying educated and write anytime. I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Stay strong, sister, and always know that I’m here to support you:)

Zari xo

After the first year he moved 250 miles away so then i really couldnt track him. Of course he chose me because i am a married woman and 14 years older than him and it was kept a secret. We would meet at night or for an overnight, that,s it. He could come and go so much easier that way since we were a secret. I got the silent treatments, the hoovering, the triangulation and especially the cell phone game. Almost the entire affair were conversations (mostly texting) from that fucking phone!! 2 years in I starting backing off and he started hoovering even more. Ive only seen him twice in the last 2 years but just cant seem to keep him blocked from my phone. How stupid that this is the strongest attachment. I would do good for a few months then unblock him just to see if he was gone for good. Its like he could sense it and within a few days would be contacting me again. All he ever wants to do is meet up or have me leave my life behind.. my family…my good job my friends…mainly destroy my life to move in with him and basically be his slave. The last conversation we had was a nightmare. He was so disrespectful and degrading it made me sick. Called me a bitch 4 times. So I finally called him and asked him to answer honestly if he ever really wanted more than sexual relationship with me. He hesitated and tried to turn the conversation around on me. You know, asking a question with a question! Then he said he wanted me to be there when he got home in our kitchen, we,d go for walks and to the store and spend holidays together and of course the main one is i would be in his bed. Then he tried to tell me he’s had many girls (gag-heard it before) i got stern with him and said “what’s your point?” He blew up and started spewing obscenities and his nastiness at me. I hung up on him then texted him and said thanks you answered my question, dont ever contact me again and that he’s the sorriest excuse for a man as I’ve ever met and I despised him.

God help me this time that i can let him go and stay NC. It is truly like letting go of a horrible addiction! That’s the way they like it. Ugghh!!

Hi Amanda,

If he’s a narcopath, why would you want him back? There may be many reasons that an N doesn’t hoover and long distance may be one of those reasons. The fact that you are always hoovering him may be another. It’s hard to tell. It could also be that the relationship is simply over…that he has moved on, went back to a former girl/wife/baby momma. Relationships do end just because they end.

Don’t forget that there’s a fine line between a narc and someone who’s just an asshole. Maybe this guy was just an asshole and not a narcissist, per se, at all. Either way, please don’t spend a whole lot of time worrying about why he didn’t behave in this bad manner or that bad manner. The point of all of these blogs and books that survivors write is to discourage you from wanting him back. In other words, we’re not so much worried about why he didn’t hoover…we actually go No Contact so that he doesn’t even get the opportunity! Please don’t miss the point, sister…

Stay strong and move on. Don’t waste a minute more of your precious time!

Zari xo

Carolene, I personally am not familiar with the theology on Satan having relations with Eve, however, I will study that. I do want to validate, and tell you, you have many insightful insights on the correlations of this subject and spiritual warfare. As I turn a question over to God….which was…how does the phycology of sociopath/narcissist being incurable relate to your word which says “with God all things are possible”? There is to much, and would take to long to share what all was revealed to me. In short it is demonically driven, as you know, and keeping strict boundaries, no contact if possible is ideal. We are to pray for the strong holds to be bound and cast down (including generationally), I personally also ask that He put a hedge of thorns between them, and who they seek to exploit. He emphasized the important armor we are to wear, and know well. This is one of the reasons we are to pray for our enemies. I thought I had a grasp on what it is to be a “prayer warrior” after all these years, I now understand I’m barely a kindergartener at most. Praying for their salvation, and, or those their lives come in contact with. Anyway, thank you for realizing that as wonderful psychology is a gift, and it so is, this is a spiritual battle to be recon with.

Who knows. From NY? Ha ha. But these guys really are so much alike wouldn’t be surprised either way

Now, Carolene, ya gotta be careful about being too preachy! LOL

I’m fairly certain that we all know what we’re dealing with and what evil lies within. However, my take on the Narcissist & Sociopath is that these particular human beings are basically two of God’s few mistakes. Imagine an assembly line of humans all getting hearts and souls and emotions like empathy and sympathy and love and so-forth. Well, the narcissist and sociopath are the flawed body products…the kind that gets picked off the assembly line and tossed to the side. Eventually, they make it out into the world but without all the good stuff. problem is…because they’re not empaths (emotional humans), they view the world through a very objective lens and this is actually a weird little gift and it’s how they get to be so good at learning to mimic the emotions of the “others” to get what they want. Basically, they are nothing but frauds, con men and women, grifters, users…whatever you want to call them but they ARE human. And they can never be fixed because they never had what they needed to begin with. Maybe it’s a test for us, who knows? Either way, lets not give them too much power by presuming that they’re not of this earth. There are far eviler demons that we need to be worried about but that’s a whole nuther topic for a whole nuther blog! LOL

Zari xo

This is concerning Mr. B. I think that you should have never allowed Mr. B. to cause you to react to him, especially letting him cause you to move your family away from their home because you feared for their lives, when you could have contacted the police and at least gave them the name of Mr. B. and your reasons why you believed that it was he that was harassing you. Because a sociopath and a Narcissist rarely want to commit murder, and I believe they mostly harm the people in their family because they feel they can get away with it. You showed this Mr. B. that you were afraid of him and that he had power over your life and decisions, by running away, and letting him know that you care too much about how others saw you and your family. This is what gave him the power to hurt you, you should have let Mr. B carry out the threats, of trying to ruin your reputation, and had faith in those who knew your character to stand by you and not believe anything that he said. or at the least let your character speak for itself among those in your circle and those whom you meet. you can’t change what people say about you or your family, but you can refuse to allow monsters to have this kind of control over your life, and you could have done this by ignoring the email and explaining to the persons who he sent them to, that this is a mentally challenged person, and even given them some information about what he has done to his own family, then no one in their right minds would take Mr. B. seriously. You can’t run from crazy hateful people, if you do they never stop the harassment because they have learned from you that it works.

Hi Riya,

Well, you’re right…he sure sounds like he has the worst of the narcissist traits that all of us here are familiar with. You can recover your soul and everything within your heart that you lost. All it takes is a change of perspective. In the grande scheme of things, he’s just not that important. YOU are the important one and you must commit to your own happiness.

Riya, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will confirm for you what you already know to be true. It explains what happened to me and you will recognize yourself in my story, I guarantee it.

Stay strong and write me anytime. Forgive me for taking so long to respond and know that I am here if you need me:)

Zari xo