Good for you RJ! You are so right about life going by in an instant…no need to waste what little time we have left on this earth with people who can’t or won’t reciprocate the love we feel. It just is what it is. Thank you!

Thank you, Kendra…I’m glad you’re here:)

I know it’s really hard to deal with things once you finally have the real truth about someone you love. You will probably be in denial on and off until you have had enough and then you can start to move on an heal eventually once you take your life your heart, your mind back into your own hands (with God’s help even better) and the self respect you deserve and once you start to finally move forward you will get to a point where instead of feeling dismayed and victimized the people who treated you so awful and targeted you , will start to be laughable. Their tactics will be laughable. It will be okay not to feel any empathy or sympathy for their bullshit anymore. Just keep that for yourself though you don’t want to invoke anger in them if they try to get back in your life. If you have to have a person with a major personality disorder that can’t be fixed or changed like sociopaths and narcissists you can still get to this point, it just might take longer. Hang in there and keep your heads up. Feel free knowing you are NOT problem and it’s NOT your fault so stop beating yourself up.

Hi Rachael,

Honestly, I’m not going to answer your question does my man has a personality disorder? Please re-read your post to me and you’ll have your answer. When I read stories like yours, whether or not he has a “personality disorder” becomes a moot point. Does it even matter? HE’S SICK IN THE HEAD. Grab your children and go to the nearest shelter when he’s not looking. First, have him served with a retraining order so that you have something legal in your hand in case he shoes up. Go get some services to help yourself. You are NOT incapable of working. There are plenty of single mothers out there who struggle to support themselves but at least they’re trying. Please don’t give up on yourself because of this bully. Pack a couple of bags for you and the kids and run for it. ANY PLACE YOU END UP IS BETTER THAN WHERE YOU ARE NOW. There are shelters, food stamps, job services…..do what you have to do and don’t let anyone tell him where you are.

You don’t have any other options, girl, you really don’t. You’re going to have to bolt to begin life over and to provide your children a better life. Please let me know how you do…

Zari xo

Hi Open,

It takes a while for us to get to a point of acceptance (where we accept that the narcissist is a narcissist and that he/she can’t be fixed). Recovery and everything that goes with it starts from that point forward. If we really sit down and commit to our boundaries, we put a barrier around ourselves that no one can cross. And just like the last narcissist who saw in us a weakness to target, the next narcissist we encounter will recognize the barrier and lose interest probably before we even know who he is. In other words, if we get right with ourselves (i.e love ourselves, like you say), we won’t have to work so hard to make sure it never happens to us again. It just won’t.

I can tell that you know you’re heart. Stay strong, stay on the right path, and keep your eye on the prize. You’re happiness is all that matters right now.

Zari xo

Hi Zari. Thank you for you reply. Yes you are right about the fact that this people choose beautiful intelegent and good women but in order for them to get us attached to them there needs to be something to stick on. We all need love and affection and acceptance and yes this people prey on this. But my point is that we need to love ourselfes more than the other person that comes to our lives. Or as you say it we need to have our boundaries in place. And when we protect and keep our boundaries? When we love ourselfes more than the N in this case. I do not say that we are damaged or not perfect. But reading for days everything here i came to a conclusion that all woman who put and keep their boundaries up are over with the N and came to a conclusion that their peace is worth more than the crumbs of the guy. And that is choosing US and not THEM. And that is self love. Yes we learned the hard way and with sooo much pain but eventualy we choose the right person. US. And i am so glad that you are doing this and help so many people. After findin this page i understood what is going on and that is not my fault whst happened to me. And that i am worthy of love and that when i turn to me first and love me most than i can be more careful in choosing who will come into my life and to whom i will give my love and attention. And that is your point too. Not to make the same mistake and see upfront who is good for us and who is not. I agree with you completely. Self love or boundaries up is the way to go in the future relationships. And no contact for the Ns we had but stil thanks to them in a way because they made us stronger and more aware of everything.

Hi Open,

I agree that we should try to find a life lesson even in the worst relationships but I disagree with the idea that when we meet these people (narcissists) we are somehow flawed individuals and this is why it happens or why he is attracted to us. The truth, in fact, is the exact opposite. Narcissists are NOT attracted to needy people who are desperate for love. Not at all! I have never met nor corresponded or even heard of a victim who wasn’t intelligent, strong, confident, and self-sufficient when she first met the N. It is THESE qualities that attract the N. He is attracted to the very qualities that he can never have and then, later, he uses those qualities against us in malicious and manipulative ways. The narcissist is attracted to women who are in control of their lives because they see the potential for getting a whole bunch of things that they want. Later on, of course, the game then becomes how he can destroy the confidence and spirit in a way that is as covert as possible. When narcissists meet needy women, they RUN in the other direction because that’s the LAST thing they need. Do you understand that?

When I counsel people here or on the phone, the first thing that I tell them is “YOU are not and never have been the problem. YOU are perfect just as you are. Now that he is gone, you simply have to find a way back there by understanding that he was the devil himself.” The only lesson to be “learned”, in my opinion, is how NOT to let it happen again. It’s not our “fault” that we got involved with the N…that somehow we had a flaw that made it happened. The fact is that we were LIED to from the get go. Having never experienced a narcissist, how can we blame ourselves or our personality for daring to believe that someone we cared about was telling us the truth?? It’s complex and even in recovery, we have to find a balance somewhere in that or we may be afraid to love again.

So, to reiterate……when we meet the narcissist, we are pretty fucking perfect or he wouldn’t have given us the time of day. It’s what he does after that when we’ve fallen for the lie that is the biggest crime of all. That’s the biggest lesson of all. Make sure you give yourself the credit you deserve, my friend:)

Zari xo