Comments on: Reflections on 13 Months of No Contact (Re-post)

By: loubelle

loubelle — Sat, 23 Feb 2019 00:04:01 +0000

i had the same. 5 years of it. i paid for majority of things, he was tight. he promised we would move in together when he moved out his parents (he was 35). i cooked three course meals for him….bought him stuff as he said he never been treated like it before…yeah yeah; after 4 years together he moved out his parents (he could afford it then because i paid for everything for 4 years so he had a little nest egg whilst i was skint by then (also he was expecting a few thousand payout, which i feel he didnt want to share, he planned it all until he had enough money. He moved in a house alone and tried putting me off moving in with excuses (thank goodness). He used me. i was a stand by until he got on his feet ( i felt this from the start tbh). Then he goes onto a woman who knows nothing about him and his past and he can make out he has money lol. He had alot of baggage. His family were narcissists and co dependant. hated me (because i showed independence and they hated that i may take him away) i spoiled them too and all they would say is ‘we will give it away’. horrible people. i do have anger but it is a good anger, it means no way will i fall for that again. If he lives at ‘home’ its a no go. If he blames all his probelms on the women he has been with,run. i realised what he told me they did to him, he did to me. he said they fleeced him dry of money lol i now believe that to be rubbish, its exactly what he does to women. he also isnt a prize catch, looks wise or anything else. i now see it…i didnt then. He future faked me from the start. He emotionally cheated, he had to be surrounded by other women, he lied to me about being with other women..he went out with single women who knew fancied him. i am so glad we are over, however i still struggle with his deceit and how he pulled wool over my eyes as i see myself as quite strong but after 5 years i was a shell of who i was, now im building myself back up,i do not wish him well. i wish him…. nothing. trust your instinct and gut feeling i wish i had.

By: Yvette B

Yvette B — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 11:14:36 +0000

Hi Zari. I have spent at least 2.5 years working on detaching and during this time there have been discards and silent treatments and whatever but the last 4 months he has been attentive, affectionate and no longer angry. About 3 months ago he had a baby (with another woman) so maybe that is why he has been love bombing me (I realised over Christmas that is probably what’s been happening) but since Christmas it has inevitably turned to shit coz I have been unhappy with his lack of consideration for me and how he has handled this baby thing (in regards to me and him), for about 3 weeks. This baby thing has made it easier for me to detach (I’m not quite there yet but better) as I have realised that he will never involve me in this part of his life (which I was happy to be a part of as I have no kids of my own plus other reasons). So now I can see that hoping that we will be together is futile, but I have a huuuuge problem … I don’t know how to let go of the sex. I have slept with lots of men and I know that the majority aren’t physically what I want and the majority can not keep up with my stamina. This is a real problem for me and a priority. I have never been in a committed relationship (I met the N when I was 35, 10 years ago) as I was never really interested in much more than the sex so, even though me and the N were never “together” (good excuse for him to sleep with all the other women) the N relationship is the closest I have had to what others would label “a committed, long term relationship” and the sex has become familiar and even at 40 yo he can still go for hours. How can I let that go? I tell myself that my mental health needs me to go NC but it is hard for me to believe that I will find someone who I will be happy with sexually and since it is a priority for me, this thought causes me fear and anxiety. Any ideas on how to overcome this would be awesome. Thank you.

By: cuckoo4cocopuffs

cuckoo4cocopuffs — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 23:16:00 +0000

In reply to Zari Ballard.

Thanks Zari- for responding to my rambling – LOL!
Just read it and could see what a state I was in, trying not to fall down the N rabbit hole~
Luckily I’m on a trip to Europe with little time to consider him, though even with everything going on N still manages to infiltrate my thoughts. The blog on Quora is so helpful, usually an account to help N targets through a ‘patch’ of mind control and onto self-promoting ideals.
I’ve known a LOT of Ns doing film work and get a kick out of their stories, even dated one at arm’s-length on and off for years but I was too busy to truly get hooked and bored with the charm-neglect-reject-charm cycle. This is the first N in my home on a daily basis, to tilt my world on it’s axis. I feel for those who’ve gone through a long-term physical relationship as I know this 6-7 month in-home employment will take a bit more to sort out in my head. Long term + physical would require a sabbatical around the world and meeting plenty of kind-normal people.
I do feel wiser and more aware that there are toxic N’s along with the ones that carelessly, obliviously create havoc. I keep those in constant check- if they cancel or fail to show up for a scheduled get-together (because something shiny flies by and distracts them) I won’t make plans with them again. The N I wrote you about is 7 levels more cunning and deceitful, also able to stay the course, exceed expectations as an employee- at least for 6 months of showing up on time and completing most tasks – of course while observing, wearing me down, making each day an escalating drama about him.
I will think about putting out the garden tool, but I’d like my movie set case back, not enough to call him though. The resignation I sent for him to sign indicated he agreed to return the case and pick up the garden tool. He is likely waiting (cat for a mouse) for me to ask for the case again. I’d bet he’s hoovered for the garden tool which I brought inside and told the new employee not to give to him – unless he brings the movie set case. Perhaps I’m being short sighted and should be content about ‘no contact’ at any expense, and put out the garden tool?
Oh no~ I’m still rambling – LOL!
Thanks again for your reply, your blog has easily helped hundreds of N targets.
All the best,
cuckoo4cocopuffs

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 22:15:11 +0000

In reply to cuckoo4cocopuffs.

Hi cukoo4cocopuffs (love the name! lol),

Will he “darken” your doorstep? Possibly..if for nothing else than for that garden tool! All you would have to do is not answer even if that means putting your fingers in your ears to block out his poor, pathetic knocking. I did it for months at a time. Eventually, the time between hoovers gets farther and farther apart, It sounds as if you are doing okay so i would just stay on that path and never waiver, day by day. One day, the clouds just move away and the sun comes out and you realize the spell is broken. The way your situation ended…the “best interest” firing…is perfect and should postpone any hoover for awhile as it obviously has. But then there’s the issue of that damn garden tool!! Hmmmm….would it make a good temporary lawn decoration or is there a piece of dirt out front you can stick it in so if he does happen to come by, he’ll get the message, take it and slither off? haha!

You are doing great so far and I so appreciate you sharing your story. The shenanigans of these idiots never cease to amaze me. I wish for nothing more than your heart to heal….

Zari xo

By: cuckoo4cocopuffs

cuckoo4cocopuffs — Thu, 16 Aug 2018 21:45:27 +0000

Hi Zari,
I’ve really enjoyed and healed quickly by reading your sage and often comical (love the potty mouth) advice and accounts.
I’m young for a disability I have and hired a ‘wonderful’ Frenchman with a background in care-giving to help me not do things that would hurt my health. A few weeks later he brought the drama of his marriage-divorce-immigrant abuse situation into my house on a daily basis, along with a lot of charisma, and I spent precious time helping him to remedy it – until I’d had enough and asked him to not tell me about stressful or negative things unless I could do something about. He watched and listened like a cat studying a mouse, including going from saying he didn’t believe in a higher power to talking about God like I did and your N did, such mockery but I thought it harmless if he was ‘trying on God’ for size. He received more and more time off with pay for his dramas, counseling, sleep deprivation, ect. and quickly came to believe it was owed to him- though this went unspoken. I encouraged him to spend some time on film sets as this is my background and I thought he could make a career in it, also benefit from the creative atmosphere ans ‘new people’. Suddenly his truck broke down on the way back from a recurring role he landed and he forced a 2-3 day 48-72 hour shift with a high need client onto my delicately planned schedule, declaring he needed the money to replace it- and showed his first fangs of arrogance when I said I’d accept his resignation by asking why I was jealous of the other client and complaining about how much work he did on this job compared to being paid to sleep on the other job. He even issued a veiled threat about my occasionally watching friends pets while they were on vacation and his helping me there (which I never forgot)- laughable since my coordinator had originally met me there and thought it was great that I had a change of venue to such a lovely place. When that got him nowhere, he changed his tune suddenly and took me out to lunch, made up for some money he owed me for movie set wardrobe and begged me to be patient while he ‘got caught up’. He’d had the audacity to ask if I needed a loan when I originally requested the money back for the set wardrobe back (which I never forgot either). When I didn’t fire him he continued with the other client weeks after we had spent hours creating an e-mail detailing dates he would not be available to accommodate my pre-set (months in advance) schedule and asking for him be a fill in rather than a main team member for this client. Instead of sending the e-mail he e-mailed me report of how the client offered to up his pay and benefits, along with buying some of his artwork and allowing time off for filming- sending me into a state over my upcoming plans. When I asked if he was resigning, he replied that he would ‘honor’ (agg!) his emotional commitment and work with me over the other client’s generous offers. Luckily I’d saved replies from an employment post a month ago when I meant to fire him or accept his resignation – between the arrogance, threat, not sending the Dear John letter and the bribery e-mail, I longer believed him. I had created a pro-con list before the bribes came in that had instigated the Dear John e-mail which was never sent. At the time he concluded long term employment and ability to perform the recurring role were better than the short term employment, long shifts, and no possibility of film. I came to understand that the situation was completely all about him and that he’d gone from benign to malignant N when he took casting calls with less than 24 hours notice and had worked 8 days of the past 12 outside of employment with me and was harming my health, also not caring how I was going to account for 40 hours of pay with his paystubs reflecting other work on the same dates. I reconnected with an employment candidate and sent of the paperwork late on a WED, still deciding in my mind if I was being fair while the package was received and processed- but 85% sure I was doing the right thing. My coordinator had thrown in an evaluation which would determine the hours I could offer and I told him not to send the Dear John letter (3 weeks after he promised to and my belief in him was waning along with my health) – so I’d done a new spreadsheet including the bribe offers of the other client plus the stand-in, recurring role and other potential income from film film and television if the other client was ‘sincere’ about letting him off for it. Nobody in their right mind would choose this job over the other client with the new offer- YET he still maintained that he wanted to work for me, planned to send the Dear John e-mail (gee, only 5 weeks later) and would even give up film if it didn’t work with my schedule and didn’t care if there were less hours. When I let him go last FRI, he was shocked, angry outside of any normal firing and called me a ‘liar’ for not telling him ‘what it was really about’ repeatedly demanding what it was. I assured him it was about the other offers being better, my declining my health, almost no help and that the anxiety hadn’t left my chest for too long a time. He also called me ‘manipulative’, ‘selfish’, said ‘everything was all about me’ and that I was making him give up on everything, including his citizenship and that he would go back to France because ‘people here’ had treated him so badly. He held his head in dismay when I told him it was the best account of projection that I’d experienced, since none of those insults had anything to do with the generosity I’d shown him. I’d gone to my neighbor who had also come to like him the night before for some brotherly advice, who himself had an abusive x-wife in his past – also had offered advice to N, and he gave me an entirely different story from N about how he and his wife met. Apparently the story he told me was the one they-he used with immigration, that they’d met via mutual friends who’d rented from him in France, whereas they’d met on the internet and he’d come to the US to marry someone he’d never even met. He’d also lied to me and said he didn’t have a motorcycle because I’d had 2 friends barely recover from accidents, then viola! he shows up with the motorcycle when his truck broke down.
So I’m proud to be the lying, selfish, all about me, manipulative fake friend he claims I am. After some thought, I think he felt I’d uncovered a side affair he was having on his wife somehow and that I for some reason was jealous of it and fired him for it. The week before firing him my Windows 10 tablet went ballistic with security alerts and locked itself,during the time he was working. He acted like a caught 4 year old saying he didn’t even have a USB with him (with a wounded lower lip out) and came up with all sorts of ridiculous accounts for what had happened. I checked my log and found his cell phone was attached to the USB rejection notice. Obviously he hadn’t studied me carefully enough to know how computer savvy I am. I’d played back a short story I’d written in Final Draft and was going to let him animate it for the son he never sees in another country. I guess the temptation was simply too much for N to resist ‘lifting’ it.
The anxiety I was mortally concerned about left my chest immediately, slept through each night ever since – and I’ve been on the high you mentioned though have experienced patches of missing the time and friendship I thought I had with him. N’s can overwhelm you with both good and bad experiences which are difficult to sort out even after you’ve kicked them out or they’ve moved onto the next source. Since I knew I was dealing with an N, I made letting go be all about his best interests (which were true, if the bribes were true) offering my continued friendship and an employment recommendation (saying he resigned) if he needed it. Even though there is a void I’m dealing with, I hope the silent treatment and the ‘I’m not signing a resignation letter. You fired me- have a good one’ is the last of it. Although – he still has my movie set case and I a garden tool of his, so there is a chance he will darken my doorstep, and I do mean ‘darken’.
Any recommendations on how to conclude the healing process for 6 months of N?

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 06:45:06 +0000

In reply to Linda.

Hi Linda,

It was hurtful and confusing enough that now I wish him a permanent splinter in his scrotum. I love it! You speak for all of us. Thank you for the congrats on the five years….I actually had to think about that when I read that but you’re right…it has been that long. LOL I’m so sorry about the loss of your husband and also, of course, about your experience with a narc. But the fact that you’re done and don’t blame yourself…it’s all good with me because THAT is the perspective to take..and ya gotta laugh about it because these people are just over-the-top. So, I celebrate YOU as well:) Thank you for sharing and I wish you nothing but happiness, sister.

Much Love!!

Zari

By: Linda

Linda — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 01:21:45 +0000

Hi Zari,
Congratulations on your five year anniversary of freedom and strength! I can only imagine how miserable many years with an N can be.
A year after losing my wonderful husband of 35 years, I met a man (online) who I now suspect to be a card-carrying Narc. It was hurtful and confusing enough that now I wish him a permanent splinter in his scrotum. After doing much reading here and elsewhere, I have to laugh at all the red flags I missed. I forgive myself for being sucked in by realizing how naïve I was. I never called him first, but I’m sure he sensed weakness in me. He swept me off my feet, burning up my phone with calls, texts, flattery, future-faking, etc. He fast-forwarded me into including him on a vacation and straight into the bedroom. BTW, this jerk is 70 years old, proof that douchebaggery knows no age limit. While he was never verbally or physically abusive, the managing down of expectations started within a few months (cancelled plans, lame excuses, disappearing for weeks). Still, I never lost my cool or initiated contact., I started learning about tactics these assclowns used, so for observational purposes I didn’t block him (Okay, at first, maybe a tiny part of me thought he’d beg to come back or at least apologize. Damn you, “closure fairy”!) Then presto, right on cue, the hoovering began. I was polite but always “too busy” to get together. For a year, I could almost set my calendar by his check-ins (every 2-3 months). I wouldn’t take this fool back ever, but I still haven’t blocked…I just ignore him now. I don’t know if he’s really a Narc (curious to know your thoughts), but I’m sure he’s a manipulative, self-centered, lying sexual predator, so I celebrate my good fortune every day! If nothing more, he taught me a valuable lesson in human behavior. Thank you so much for your wonderful insightful writing, and again, I celebrate your strength and success!

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 21:57:40 +0000

In reply to Dawn.

Thank you for that, Dawn! Amazing how once we are done – and I mean REALLY done – how the world just opens up. You ARE a freaking genius and don’t you forget it. Thanks so much for sharing…love the inspirational message:)…xo

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 21:45:23 +0000

In reply to Dawn.

oh ps: The first week after he moved out… he was robbed of all his stuff while at work.. and all I could think was “I may not know where you live…but karma does..”

By: Dawn

Dawn — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 21:39:34 +0000

I never thought I would share this…however…I spent years escaping from my childhood abuse, then relationship after relationship of controlling men. I finally had a career I did well in 10 years (yep 10 years when I thought I wouldn’t make 10 days …because of low self esteem from previous mentioned abuse….I started a lease to own on a home that wasn’t extravagant but suited me… I got my own vehicle…worked on my credit and felt like a kick ass woman finally… Then I met the N. *sigh*
Systematically over 2 years he with-held affection until I was crying and wondering if I was crazy…Started a search for a new house to buy because he found something wrong with mine every time we talked about it… though it would be manageable for us.
He came n strong in the beginning… it was like something out of all the romance books I read… happening to me…soul mates… belong together…we were on the same page…until he turned the page..
He made me so sad and I felt so alone with him there… that I began having a beer here and there..something I hadn’t done for 8 years when i met him. Everything was a contest or as I like to call it d*ck measuring contest. If I wanted him to cut the grass he would do it a week later because he and I quote “wasn’t going to be told when to cut grass.” 2 years he cut the grass 3 times. I had to pay people to help me…and speaking of pay…he never paid his half for 2 years. Which i knew was wrong, but he kept — I don’t know making me feel sorry for him.Sad eyes, tears… one minute I was the love of his life..the next day he spent 12 hours on a vdieo game like i didn’t even exist… conflicting…very conflicting…I started wondering what was wrong with me.. I tried getting him gifts he showed an interest in something..I thought- it will show him that I love him and the money wasn’t important… luckily I had a support group who softly mentioned it didn’t seem right… that I paid everything,,,, then one day he told me he was leaving. Apparently the money he didn’t spend was enough to fund his now “place I love”…. I spent a whole weekend in my friends house so as to not watch him leave me..he took everything I ever bought him…then even the toilet paper and food with him. I didn’t understand.. why didn’t he love me… why why why? Because he is incapable…
17, 000.00 later and a broken heart that left me feeling like jumping off a bridge…he would text when he felt like it…and did it because he knew it hurt me… then one day I told him i was done accepting crumbs from him in hopes we could work something out–yeah I apologized for everything I might have did and began rebuilding my life..hoping we could work it out. When i told him i was done accepting his behavior… he sent me a message with 5 words “I am not yours to command.”
Well that did it…now I was pissed and I began to tell him I hoped he didn’t mentally torture the next gf in his life, but to never talk to me again…because I wasn’t trying to command him… I was trying to figure out what went wrong when the beginning was so damn good. I went on to tell him I was on to him… and embarrassingly enough , the last thing I told him I wanted to tell him “was to go F himself. ” and get mental help from a professional. I have not contacted him, blocked social media… changed my number so he couldn’t text me the occasional “good morning beautiful” and I just started concentrating on work, my kids, my grandchildren, writing and life in general. I can’t tell you how quickly my self esteem came back.
Don;t torture yourself with the whys… its because he is a jerk, has no empathy for anyone…and loves control. It was awful. It was like the most horrible, terrible breakup for me. I have had some doozies… I am 50 now. I still loved him. Yet I knew love was an action word…not words that didn’t have any value attached to them. I read everything I could to remind myself I am doing the right thing..I deserve better..I am worthy…and hell..I am woman hear me roar. Thanks for listening… like I saw- I am sure my friends were tired of the story…. peace.
That girl who learned a valuable lesson…at 50.

If mistakes make you smarter..I should have been a freaking genius.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sun, 16 Apr 2017 09:33:29 +0000

In reply to Julie. Hi Julie, No contact is the only way to escape the madness. Mine, too, would find a way to get back in touch but you have to stay strong and eventually the time between his making contact will get longer and longer. They always have something else to keep them busy. If you can, read my books...you will see yourself in my own story and you will see that a recovery is possible. I am also here to speak with if you need me. Sometimes just speaking with someone who "gets it" can make all the difference. There are so many stories on this website in the comments under the articles just like yours. In this life and with these people, our lives become all but interchangeable. You can do this, I know you can! Stay strong, sister.....xo

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 08 Apr 2017 07:27:47 +0000

In reply to Alex.

Hi Alex,

Well, he sure seems narcissistic to me! The very fact that you found your way to my website and others like it tells me you know the answer to that. If your counselor didn’t think he was narcissistic, then what the hell did she think was wrong with him? You don’t deserve to be treated like that under any circumstances…that is the bottom line. The hot and cold bullshit will kill you, I guarantee, and he’ll never get tired of doing it. Before you know it, another year will have passed…and another and then another. Nothing ever changes. His “bad” is as good as its ever gonna get, girl.

Look, at some point, does it even matter what he is or isn’t? Re-read your post…all the behaviors…all the awfulness…who fucking needs it?? Some people are JUST NOT GOOD FOR US. There’s nothing confusing about this. What we allow will continue unless we stop it. The game for him will never get old. Life is too short and you’ve already wasted far too much time with this jerk as it is. Time to be happy…

Zari xo

By: Julie

Julie — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 19:48:39 +0000

My grand finale terrified me, it was calculated to perfection. The image of his eyes in stuck in my head, cold blackness with smug pleasure whilst he anhilated me, he followed up in a cruel email of attacking insults and blaming me. I did nothing was innocent.

Having no previous experience or any knowledge of dangerous personalities until I began to google i struggled to come to terms with my trauma, the hoovering did happen much to my horror. I had blocked but he found a way to get back in touch.

I live in fear just seeing his name makes me anxious, whilst he is a weak man who lacks courage he is capable of personalised attacks & reminding me of his ‘power’ .
Can I lose him mentally and when, I spent only two years in this relationship yet the thoughts stay with me, there are no happy memories at all.

By: Alex

Alex — Fri, 24 Mar 2017 19:37:45 +0000

Hi Zari,

First, I almost got hoovered by your ex N. I thought I’m safe with my N (no contact) for almost 3 months, but reading this just made me realized, how much power he can have over me.
My ex and I were together for 4 years. Commitment seemed to be his biggest issue. He “blamed” this on his failed marriage (his wife cheated, and actually this is a fact)…I just question her motives now, bc if he treated me the way he treated me, I don’t blame her. He had really hard time telling me that he loves me, and saying that he doesn’t always feel like he loves me, it was more like I had to deserve to have his love to be admitted. But he didn’t treated me great, when he wanted to. Each time after hoovering and getting back together, we were actually getting a step closer, e.g. One night after being out together with mutual friends, he got very jealous over one of the guys, who was giving me lots of attention, but nothing was going on, left me in a club alone and threw out all my belongings out of his apartment. Then he followed up with nasty name calling e-mails accusing me of cheating, when in fact, he was standing in an arm reach from me (completely crazy accusations). I responded to him, that nobody ever treated me like that, neither name called me before. He got back with me after couple of days (hoovering) that he made a mistake and he consulted all of the situation with his gfs (I think it was only one) she told him, that he doesn’t love me, if he was calling me so many names and treated me like this. He did succeed in hoovering me, but he never ever, called me names again, or going nuts like this again.

My problem with my ex is, that I thought for a long time that he is a N, as he had turn my life up side down regularly. Especially after it’s been quite good for sometime. Usually, finding reason that doesn’t even make sense and I’m just left confused. If I question him about his “wrong” doing, he would turn an argument against me, usually ending with very hurtful words. All that is list it as a N behavior matches him:
– it was always everything to his liking
– constant hot & cold behavior (mood swings for no reason)
– all my complains turned into his complains (mirroring)
– easily offended
– different behind closed door and out around people
– discarding, hoovering (he always knew how to get me back)
– his family, usually didn’t’ know about our on and off relationship, he pretended that we are fine all the time
– extremely high standards for me and others, but not really lead by example
– feeling that I need to constantly prove myself to be worth to be with him
– everything was put in more importance than me, work, school, etc.
– putting me down, trying to control me, when I opposed it, discarding
– never spoke about his childhood (he just mentioned that it was not easy)
– extremely high self importance
– his family, is somehow freaked out when he acts moody, none of them ever reached to me, after our breakup,

…but there are some that totally are not:

– I don’t think, that he was cheating on me. I thought so, bc of these breakup, so was checking him at home while no contact, searched his phone (yes, I did that) after getting back together, no trace of cheating,
– He never changed his phone, no weird phone calls, etc.
– We were mostly hanging out at his place (for his convenience)
– He attended counselling with me (even tough he stated that he would never do that cuz there is nothing wrong with him, he even liked it) …but this happened when I gave him an ultimatum, so I realize that it could be to shoot my mouth for a bit
– He seemed to care about others me, my son, his family
– He absolutely loved my dog, when with my dog, showed extreme vulnerability…admitting love, complementing all the time, etc. (she is super cute though 🙂
– He was in contact with his ex and I called him on it, he showed me all conversations and it was nothing except common exchange of what was happening in their lives…but he never mentioned me in his life, asked him to end it and he handed me phone and asked to write whatever I wanted and sent it.
– Met his entire family, and most of his “friends” (although, he doesn’t have friends that he hangs with regularly, only for bdays, sport events, etc)
– mostly he had female friend’s but I knew them
– he is very OCD and committed to his work and studying (perfectionist)

I’m sure, there are many things are didn’t mention, but yeah, as much as I believe he is a narc, people I know are saying that he is not, including our counselor, but I always thought, he wrapped her around from the start. She only, drop her hands when I told her why and how he left (discarded me), that she mentioned he will never commit. But I do know, that nobody really knew me the way I got to know him.

…so my question is, is my ex a Narc or just a broken man, who has commitment problem? I do not want to protect him, as this is over but I’m still so confused and this drives me nuts.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 00:10:31 +0000

In reply to Minnie. Hi Minnie, Oh yes, they have no problem threatening you with calling the police. In my book, I talk about how my ex, during a long silent treatment, had me served with a temporary restraining order ON XMAS EVE and I didn't even know where he lived. Why did he do that? Because, on a hunch, I had sent an anonymous FB message to a girl I had a suspicion about. He literally wrote on the order that he was in fear for his life. Needless to say, my suspicions were right (LOL)...and two weeks later he was back at my door, breaking his own restraining order as if it never happened. Wacko is right! Zari xo

By: Minnie

Minnie — Sat, 11 Feb 2017 22:10:00 +0000

Holy that’s amazing his texts about the cops. I showed up at his house after texting and fighting and he lost it. Threatened me with cops lol. I literally just knocked on his door. A d then left. He texted for hours. Horrible name calling threatening police. Wacko

By: Kuldeep

Kuldeep — Wed, 02 Nov 2016 16:36:57 +0000

I left a narc about 3 months ago. The first few weeks was hard, I realise now what he was about. A face for the community and a face behind closed doors. Toxic environment and often scary when he went into a rage. Glad I broke free. Still will take time to heal and forget about him.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 08:23:48 +0000

In reply to Siol.

Hi Siol,

It’s possible but the truth is that there were thousands of incidents just like this one throughout the 13-years – texting and verbal encounters where I “had my say”. I made it very clear two years before that I knew EXACTLY what he was and what I thought he was up to and it really made no difference at all. I would say that the majority of people who visit here have had their “say” and that you probably have too. But closure just never happens – we have to make our own. It’s all about understanding how the narcissist really thinks. When I “got” that, I realized my closure had already happened. I was free.

Zari:)

By: Siol

Siol — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 02:53:08 +0000

Do you think the fact that you actually had a chance in your texts to make it clear to him that you finally saw thought him, helped in letting you detach? You got to have your say; to be heard. I think that is something most of us crave. At least it is for me. I feel foolish, stupid, used. Like he won. He got away with playing this out and using me until he no longer needed to and walked away unscathed. And I allowed it. That is partly what keeps me stuck. That and the fact that on a daily basis, I question whether or not he even is a narcissist.

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 00:38:27 +0000

In reply to Daisy Collins.

Hi Daisy!

Don’t give it a second thought about that email. Forget it. Act like it didn’t even happen. We’ve all done it and who cares what he thinks? Just be grateful he didn’t respond. Now, BLOCK his number/email so that he can never contact you ever. You must do this and it WILL deter you from doing it in reverse any more. Keep going in your recovery…six months is along time and you are well on your way. All you did was stub your toe for a second and it means nothing in the big picture!!

Zari xo

By: Zari Ballard

Zari Ballard — Sat, 10 Sep 2016 21:31:41 +0000

In reply to Laura Stewart.

Hi Laura,

Thank you for your kind words! I had to chuckle when you wrote…my head was spinning thinking of the best answer…how true is that?? They send three benign little words and we’ll be CONSUMED trying to think of how to answer it JUST RIGHT!!! Best thing to do, of course, is to block him so that he can’t so that whenever he feels like it. For him, this game just never gets old.

Stay strong, girl! I’m here to support you…

Zari xo

By: Laura Stewart

Laura Stewart — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 17:25:46 +0000

Thank you Zari, I received an “are you ok ” text this morning. My head was spinning thinking of the best answer. Although reading enough about narcissists to know no contact is the best response. So I googled to narcissist website and came right to your hovering article. Thank you so much for your eloquence and empathy toward those of us who need it. This is truly something no one can understand unless they’ve been a victim. I still scratch my head and can’t understand how I let someone treat me that way. Not to mention my friends and family not being able to understand.
Thank you so much for your knowledge and advice.

By: Daisy Collins

Daisy Collins — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 08:34:14 +0000

Dear Zari, I have maitained No Contact now with my abusive ex for 6 months, he too has not contacted me once. During this time I sent him one short email about 3 months ago, mainly because I felt sorry for him feeling that he was a damaged soul. He did not reply. I feel that I let myself down by sending that, though at the time it gave me huge closure that I needed. His ignoring it confirmed to me he was an ass! But I keep regretting the fact that I broke NC this one time. I dont intend to contact him or anybody that he knows again. He has not hoovered me at all, i wish he did!

By: Diana

Diana — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 04:55:14 +0000

In reply to Lisa. Omg, i feel your pain i wish i could help. But im in the same dam boat.

By: Ollie

Ollie — Thu, 26 Nov 2015 02:17:18 +0000

Hello
I have recently broken up with someone who I believe to be a narcissist. it went through the various stages of idealisation, devaluation. I eventually got the strength to break up with him.
He lied to me so many times, I now believe everything he said was a lie
He lied about
1) having cancer
2) knocked over by a car
3) having depression
4) being evicted from his house
5) tried to get my attention saying he was in a car accident
6) lied to me about what he got me for Xmas
7) suicide threats – came out of the bathroom with a mark round his neck
8) passport was stolen in Galway and made a whole fuss over it on facebook
9) accused me of cheating

I lost 2 stone within one month of being with.him. After I finally caught him out on his lies. He sent me a picture of a rope round his neck with a message “I told you I’d do it”
He also sent me suicide poems and threats. I am currently going through a smear campaign which is scary. As he knows a lot of my friends I have found them not to speak to me at all.
It’s like he has totally forgotten about me. He is going on like i didnt exist.
I get a lot of the flash backs and Im prone to stress a lot more now

During the break up
I got a hateful message from his aunt telling me that I am an awful person and that I should be ashamed of myself treating the narc like the way I did. That message dropped my self esteem even.more.

I am currently no contact 9 months now. And I’m gradually getting myself back. But I am still prone to ptsd symptoms